Original subtitles

Oh! You went out with Gaz! That's me.

Till he shagged your best mate, who's pregnant. Enough about me!

Me and Donna were talking about all the things we've both done. Oh.

Funny I should walk in then!

And I'm really pregnant, and really getting married soon and I really want you to be there.

Really? Really.

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakeys. #

Jonny, I like Fanny.

I see. Well, if that's how you feel, I should pack my bags and leave.

I mean as a name for the baby.

No son of mine is being called Fanny!

Says you! The man who wants to call the baby Churchill! Churchill's different!

That dog's a national institution.

Maybe I'll ask the hen night girls if they've got any ideas.

You're not having a hen night! Why not? You're having a stag night.

Yes I am. The rowdiest, most kickingest, most top-tastic stag night in history!

But I'm not with child. So what?

You can have a little tea party IF you stay in and have it here.

We're hens, Jonny! You can't keep us cooped up!

You can keep hens cooped up!

You know why? To protect their little eggs.

Stop tricking me with farmyard metaphors, Jonny.

I just want to have a bit of fun before the wedding!

There's no point going out.

You can't drink, can't smoke, can't dance... Why does being pregnant mean I can't dance?

Who said it's cos you're pregnant?

Maybe I could stay in and have a baby shower?

It's a party where you fool stupid women into bringing presents for the baby.

What presents would you give to a baby? Oh, I know!

Gold, frankincense and myrrh.

You're so greedy, Jonny!

Always wanting myrrh.

Look at the present I've sorted out for Friday.

Oh! I thought you'd forgotten! Forgotten...?

My court appearance! It's tradition to buy the accused something.

Jewellery, something small in case I need to smuggle it up my...

Before you go further, it's for Janet, for the wedding.

Ew!

You must really hate her!

No. We've made friends, and she's sorry and I've forgiven her.

What about my last night of freedom?

for a crime I did not commit.

But you did commit it. You had Jonny shot through the leg.

Don't blind me with your legal jargon.

You won't get sent to prison, you'll get a fine.

It's got to be the best night out ever -

booze, violence and meaningless sexual activity.

Ooh! That's not like you!

I know, but I've got to cram the rest of my youth into that evening.

After the trial, there'll be no more sexy young boys for a while.

So, fellow stags, we start with a few pints here,

then go-karting, a Ruby Murray and then a club.

Sounds good! Not forgetting to embarrass and humiliate Jonny at every given opportunity!

So we'll remind him of the time he wet himself watching Gentle Ben!

Yeah, or that time he got savaged by that badger!

Oh, and the time he got run over by that milk float and nearly died!

And the time you shagged his missus!

No, no, no!

How do you know that? Everyone knows that, Gaz!

Jonny doesn't, keep that to yourself, all right?

No chance after a couple of beers!

It's bound to come out. We'll let it slip, or make a little joke...

Or show him our T-shirts.

It's subtle, like, but I think he'll get it.

So go on, when is his stag night?

Dunno. Isn't finalised. It's this Thursday.

No, it isn't! Yeah, it is, you booked the bar!

No, I haven't!

Lads, whenever the stag night is, it's not this Thursday.

Don't come here this Thursday. There'd be no point in coming here this Thursday.

It'd be a complete waste of time.

Gives us time to get the billboard arranged. See you next week!

I'll cancel the booking then, shall I?

No, it is this Thursday, I just can't invite people who know about me and Janet.

Well, everyone I talk to seems to know!

I say, "Did you know about that Gaz sleeping with that Janet?"

If they say no, me lips are sealed!

Well, who told you?

Munch. He said, "Did you know about that Gaz sleeping with that Janet?"

I said, "No." He said, "My lips are sealed."

Which Janet's obviously weren't.

Yes, well, could you please not mention it to anyone else?

Mention what? About that Gaz sleeping with that... Goose!

I made love to a goose.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Right - stag night. Are you gonna humiliate me?

Oh, yeah! Really? Are you gonna make me cry?

We'll certainly do our best.

Just saw Lee and Ste, are they coming?

They can't make it! They've...

they've gotta go to hospital.

God, what for? To have a testicle removed.

Both of them?!

Lee...is having it removed...

and Ste's donating one to replace it.

Gaz, I think you're planning something!

I could be!

Nothing too raucous, though!

but some are over the top.

Yeah... They go all the way, take everything off, everything!

They treat you like a sex-object, it's obscene! Yeah, I know.

They rub their oily bodies all over you,

and thrust their greased nipples in your face.

It's disgusting! I agree, Jonny.

I've got phone numbers for really dirty ones.

So you know what to avoid. I'll leave them here, next to your phone.

Two cups of tea. I've warmed

Cheers. Do you want a biscuit? A cake? A casserole?

No. I'll get you some anyway, in case you change your mind.

She can't relax.

It's sweet she's so worried about my trial.

It's me she's worried about!

Ever since I forgave her, she's been fussing round me.

Here we go!

Bakewell tarts, mini rolls, digestives.

Oh, no. They're not good enough for you, Donna.

Janet, calm down! Stop treating me like some sort of vicar!

I'm not! More tea?

No! WE'RE supposed to be treating YOU!

I don't deserve to be treated, Donna, I'm a horrible person.

I'm so glad you're my friend again.

Not this again! We've moved on, remember?

It's Gaz I'm angry with, not you, stop being sorry.

Sorry. I mean, sorry.

Now, I know it's not your wedding just yet, but...

I've got you a present.

Oh, Donna, it's too much.

No, it isn't. She's right, Janet, it isn't.

MUSIC BOX PLAYS

Donna, it's beautiful!

It was mine when I was little.

I used to listen to it at night to drown out the sound of Mum doing her pilots.

Pil-a-tes! No, they were definitely pilots.

I was saving it for when I have kids... but since I haven't got any...

and all men are bastards,

and since the world's crushed all hope of me ever finding happiness,

and I'm gonna die...

..a lonely spinster...

shunned by a society that cannot comprehend the magnitude of my grief...

Ta da!

Donna, I'm so touched.

And this box will symbolise our everlasting friendship.

Well, if you're that impressed by something Donna pulled out from the back of a cupboard,

wait till you see this!

Oh! A collage of photos of us!

Louise, that's brilliant!

Must've taken ages! It did!

Aha! There's you on that carousel at the fair!

You last bonfire night.

You building a snowman. You playing crazy golf.

You wearing a cowboy outfit... they're all of you, Louise.

It's to remind you of me while I'm rotting away in prison.

Head down, nose clean, doing me bird.

Five to ten in a pen.

Louise, you aren't going to prison.

So your hen night better be good!

Come on, Donna, let's find some drugs.

I'm not having a hen night now. I'm gonna have a baby shower.

Why can't you have a proper English hen night?

Stagger round Widnes with an

blow jobs to herpes-ridden bouncers?

Delightful as that sounds, I'll stick with the baby shower.

Brilliant. So I'll spend my last night in a room full of women

talking about potties.

That's how I might be spending the next ten years!

Just cos we're staying in doesn't mean we can't have fun.

We can play records and board games.

Come on, Louise, help me dig out Game Of Life.

God help me.

See you later. Mmm.

MUSIC BOX CRUNCHES AND TINKLES

Oh, my shit!

Hey! Wahey!

ALL CHEER

Hello, all right? Wow!

Ready for your big night? It's brilliant, Gaz!

All these people! ..Um, who are they?

What do you mean? They're the stags!

Here for an evening of beer and mayhem.

But I don't actually know any of them.

You do! You remember Greg!

Glen. Glen.

We were in the same year at school!

Sorry, I don't recognise you. Well, I lived in Nottingham at the time.

You remember Dave Barrett, who we'd play football with after school?

Yeah.

This is the fella who cuts his hair!

Right...wow(!) What about the rest of the footie lads, are they coming?

Sorry, Jonny, that was a long time ago.

Many of those lads are now...dead.

Paul Buxton isn't dead!

Well, he's...in prison. For life.

No, he isn't! I saw him in the chippy last week!

He said he was a web designer.

Well, he's not exactly... Unless he escaped and made that story up

so I wouldn't report him, then he got caught again.

Hard to believe, I know! Complaining about your stag night already?

No! What else have you arranged? For me to know and you to find out.

Just don't make any long-term plans

In case you need it, timetable of trains to Edinburgh.

That one's non-stop.

Let's not peak too soon, we've got catching up to do with you guys.

But first...there you go!

Cheers!

To Jonny! TO TOMMY!

Hi!

I've brought booze, balloons, and some of Mum's pills, in case things need pepping up.

This is it?! This is my last night of freedom?!

But you haven't done anything!

I have! I've flushed the toilet.

Anyway, you're early.

Well, I thought I'd make the most of my last night, but if this is it,

I may as well wander down to prison and see if they'll let me in early.

Things'll pick up.

They'd better.

Who've you invited?

Ah.

Oh, brilliant. So it's you, me and Donna, same as every other blooming night of my life.

I'm really sorry, Louise.

The thing is...you know the music box that Donna gave me?

I thought it was tacky, to be honest. I stood on it. Oh, good!

Does it still play?

Sort of.

MANGLED MUSIC PLAYS

Let's have a look at it.

There you go! That's killed it!

Louise, I wasn't trying to break it, I stepped on it by mistake!

Oh. This box was supposed to symbolise mine and Donna's friendship and I've broken it!

She'll think friendship means nothing to me now.

Hello! Donna, hi! Hi!

Careful, you're not going to be all nice to me? No, you big witch!

Good. Stick it up your bumhole! Thank you, I will.

I hope you die! Yeah, all right. Sorry, I went too far. Sorry.

Welcome to the party.

Look at all the wonderful preparations Janet has made. Have you flushed the toilet?

Yes. Well, what more do you want, fireworks?!

Where we going? Is it paintballing?

No, laser quest, that's the best!

It's go-karting. Go-karting's the best ever!

This is me best stag night ever! Get on!

Hang on, there's too many of you. What?

You're exceeding the capacity of this vehicle. Three have to get off.

Is there anyone who doesn't mind getting another cab?

It's fair enough, I suppose. They are all mates and that.

Let's have a beer and follow on in a bit, eh? I'll phone us another cab.

Some of the lads knew what you did with Janet.

I told you to stop discussing it!

It's all right, Jonny doesn't know. Least, I don't think so.

Shall I find out? Oi! No!

You nervous? No, why should I be? I've done nothing wrong!

I meant about the wedding.

Oh, yeah! Yeah. With everything that's happened...

Y'know, you and me and Jonny...

We've been through so much. I feel all sentimental now!

Get your box out.

Beg your pardon?

No, the music box. Let's have a listen, me and you.

Um, no. It's my music box now, you can't have it.

I only wanna listen to it. Well, you can't. Janet!

I've...sold it. What?

No, I haven't. I've lost it.

No, not that either, that'd be terrible...

Um...it's been stolen... that's right, by thieves.

Janet, remember when I was about six and there was a fire at my house?

All that alcohol and peroxide, bound to happen.

The one possession of mine that survived was that box.

It's the only link I have to my childhood. I just wanna see it.

I've got us a party guest.

He was asleep on the pavement.

Doesn't speak any English, but he seems like a laugh!

What are you looking so miserable about?

Janet won't give me the music box. You may as well, as you've smashed it!

You've what? Smashed it, yeah. She stamped on it.

You two keep this one entertained, I'm going for some more guests.

Cheers! Cheers!

Cheers! Cheers! This is great, innit?

Any sign of that taxi yet? Munch is flagging one down, but you know what it's like round here.

Yeah, dead easy, there's that taxi rank just round the corner.

So...any second thoughts about tomorrow?

You are pretty young to have a wife and a kid.

I'm not! There's girls I went to school with that have got kids that are older than I am!

How's that even possible?

No, I'm ready to settle down. Or at least I will be after this one night of madness! Cheers!

Cheers!

Two more over here, Kelly.

Lager's off, and the bitter. Those lads finished it all.

What've you got? I could get you a couple of white wine spritzers!

Can we go now, Gaz? I think I'm ready to start being humiliated!

OK, Jonny, you've asked for this.

I'm gonna beat you at dominoes!

I'm really sorry, Donna.

And I'm not just sorry

Let me break something of mine to make it even.

I'll smash these sunglasses.

They were my sunglasses.

Oh, God! Sorry...um... my mobile then.

Also mine.

Sorry. Um...

This pot dog? That's yours.

And he's the most treasured possession I own.

I've had him yonks.

Break, pot dog, break! Janet, what are you doing?

Must smash pot dog. I can't be friends till I smash pot dog!

It doesn't matter about the music box!

It does! It's all over! You hate me!

It doesn't! The thing is...it's not quite as special as I made out.

What?

Well...all that stuff about it being my mum's...

and the fire...I exaggerated a bit... What do you mean?

I bought it from a jumble sale last week for 50p.

Donna! I wanted to give you something sentimental,

but I haven't got anything, Mum pawned all the valuables for drink.

So I made something up. You cow! It's the thought that counts!

It bloody isn't! I haven't slept trying to fix it!

I didn't know you were gonna stamp on it! That's such a mean trick!

I'm sorry. You don't look very sorry!

That's because I'm glad you're acting normal again.

Oh, yeah, I am, aren't it? You bastard!

You clumsy bitch!

Cheapskate twat!

Come in, come in!

Help yourselves to nibbles. I'll get some music going.

Louise? Who are all these people?

Oh, I managed to flag down a minibus full of boys.

Janet, this is Greg. Glen. Louise, I'm not sure about all this.

Don't be a spoilsport! Just imagine what the stags are up to!

Jonny's probably under the table.

Oh, no, it's a double three. I'll have to knock.

S'pose we missed the go-karts then?

MOBILE BEEPS

Yes, but...guess who that is pulling up outside...

Santa!

No!

Ooh, I wonder who that could be(!)

It's her! It's me stripper!

I wonder what she'll be dressed as!

School mistress! Policewoman!

Fireman!

I'll just go and get myself started.

I'm looking for a patient called Jonny.

If he's getting married, he'll need his injections!

Hang on, I thought this was a stag night.

I don't do one-on-ones.

No, it is a stag night.

Are you some kind of pervert?

Yes, since you ask.

That's not the point. Listen, when Jonny comes...

Hey! I know you! You're Gaz Wilkinson, aren't you?

Yeah. You're the one who shagged your best mate's fiancee!

How d'you know?! Never you mind.

Hi, Kelly! All right, Sandra.

Don't tell me he still doesn't know! I'll have to say something!

You won't! You'll do what you're paid for!

I don't think so! I can't let the wedding go ahead if he doesn't know.

Can't let the...

That's one step up from a prostitute!

Right, I'm definitely telling him now!

Where is he?

MUSIC: "The Stripper"

MUSIC STOPS

That was brilliant, Gaz.

Really...good.

First rate.

Just wanted to give you a surprise, you know.

Something you wouldn't expect.

Yeah, cos I was expecting a really fit girl.

And that was loads better.

Cheers, mate.

I think I might... go and have...a wash.

That was crap, Gaz.

Even I'm not aroused.

No...no, actually, I am.

I'd better change that drip tray.

Yes. Admittedly, it isn't the best stag night I've ever been on.

If you were a real friend, he'd be on a train to Edinburgh by now, with no eyebrows and "nonce"

tattooed on his forehead. I know, you're right.

Hello, is that Greg?

Glen! Not Greg, it's Glen!

What is it, Gaz?

So you got your big night out after all!

It turns out the music box was just a crappy piece of jumble sale tat! So we're all happy!

Not quite. On my last night of freedom, there's still one thing left to do.

Oh, Slobodan!

I think I owe you an apology, Jonny.

It's the worst stag night in the history of marriage!

No, it wasn't.

We had a good time.

Spritzers...dominoes...

..crisps...

I thought you wanted ritual humiliation.

Nah!

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. See, that's a shame, because...

You all set for tomorrow then? Last chance to wrap your belongings in a tea towel and run away!

Jonny'd never get over it. He loves that tea towel.

Janet told me about that music box.

Oh, right. You didn't get it from a jumble sale. I did.

You didn't! It had your name

It was a family heirloom, wasn't it?

Only your family would be that tacky.

Don't tell Janet, will you?

Course not. Much better this way.

Janet's happier, she doesn't feel guilty...

She thinks your present's better than mine... Exactly! Everyone's a winner!

Oh, thanks for the baby shower, Louise. It was a riot!

No problemo.

Come on, Slobodan.

Bed!

Night, Lou!

I think I'm gonna smash Louise's collage into bits now!

To prove you're friends with her as well? No, cos it's shit.

This is the best EVER!

I can't believe you're not even slightly concerned about me!

It's my trial today. Sorry, but Janet's wedding takes priority.

Kelly, have you seen Jonny? There's no point, she's not here.

Where did you last leave him? He was chained to a lamp-post naked. Oh!

Oh, God, what if they don't get married!

Kelly! Have you seen Janet? No.