Original subtitles

I am truly sorry I slept with Janet.

The flat seems so empty without Donna.

Would you like me to come round and shag you in it?

I know what happened.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry!

We can't pick up the pieces of our friendship

till YOU've picked up the pieces of your teeth. I'm pregnant!

Haven't you figured it out?

Janet's having your baby.

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakeys. #

Kelly, what's the strongest drink you've got?

Er...absinthe?

Pint of that, then.

All right, John?

Not really.

Gaz, I've had some bad news.

Bad news?

What, is Janet all right? It's not the baby, is it?

No! I've been banned from the off-licence.

What, again? Is that all?

I won't be able to do my youth work.

Your youth work buying cider for 10-year-olds?

It's important. I bring joy to the community.

Once they get a couple of cans down them,

you should see their little faces light up.

Some of us have got real problems -

don't tell anyone this,

but I haven't had sex since Donna left me.

Oh, my God(!)

Four days of abstinence.

You're a modern-day Gandhi.

96 hours! I mean, you don't want to be there when it blows.

Oh, you poor, deprived child.

What can I do to help?

Er, not very much!

I could help.

Cool. No, you couldn't.

I could. I could shag you over a barrel in the car park.

Nah, that's sweet but it would only remind me of Donna.

It's one of those old-fashioned ones

Nah, that's sweet, but it would only remind me of Donna.

Buggery.

Yeah, that's sweet, but it would only remind me of Donna.

I thought you wanted sex?

The problem is not that I can't get sex, Jonny.

I could walk into any club in this town and get a woman like that.

A flamenco dancer?

The problem is that I'm keeping myself pure for Donna.

It's killing me, Jonny. It's killing me.

Four days?! Janet once gave up sex for Lent!

I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday.

Rejected, rejected, rejected.

Enough job rejection letters to paper the walls of a palace.

And they come up with feeble excuses.

"Too young", "too short", "no pilot's licence".

Well, they all mean the same thing -

You get one person shot in the knee and suddenly you're a criminal.

There are lots of successful ex-criminals. Like who?

Johnny Vaughn.

Nelson Mandela.

Ronnie Barker.

Ooh - chocolates.

Er, don't touch those, I'm sending them to Donna.

"Please forgive me, Donna-Dons

"For causing so much pain

"But I only shagged your boyfriend once

"And I defo won't do it again."

Well, I say this for it, Janet - it's crap.

Yes, I know - hence the chocolates.

I know, I could work as a lifestyle

She was a wreck the last time I saw her.

When did you see her?

Just after she found out you'd slept with Gaz. She was suicidal.

Haven't spoken to her since. Wonder what she's been up to.

Louise, I've not seen her, either.

I took some flowers round there and there was no answer.

When I rang the factory, she hadn't turned up.

Do you think that means...

Oh! No, let's not jump to conclusions.

..there's a job going at the bucket factory?

Louise!

Don't shout at me, it's you that drove her to it!

Oh, God! I just thought she needed time to cool down.

Well, if she's killed herself, she's probably cooled down quite a bit.

Right, I'm sending round an ambulance.

Have you tried phoning her?

Of course I have, there's no answer.

Why don't you try letting the phone ring twice,

then hang up, and then dial again?

A secret ring.

She didn't want me to tell you.

Oh, that was always our secret ring to avoid...

Who?

No-one.

CROAKY VOICE: 'Hello?'

Donna, it's Janet, please don't hang up.

I'm just phoning to see if you're all right.

'Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?' Well, I don't know.

You're lucky you caught me, actually. Cos I was just off out...

..to the ballet.

'OK, Donna.'

And then I've got some friends coming round to play Pictionary.

'Oh, what friends?'

Jane. 'Jane who?'

Jane Fridge.

'Jane Fridge?!

'Oh, I haven't spoken to her for ages, put her on.'

I've got to go now, cab's here.

'Donna, wait, please, I'm glad you're OK. I'll see you soon, yeah?'

Yep.

Yeah, well, don't patronise me with your pity, Janet Smith.

I'm happy, happy, happy, tra-la-la and I do not need friends like you!

'OK, Donna, fair enough.'

OK...

OK, Donna.

You're gonna get your act together now, girl.

Smarten yourself up, chuck out your mum's alcohol,

get back out there and show the world you've not given up,

you're a survivor.

'Donna, who are you talking to?'

Maybe I should avoid temptation

and go somewhere far away from attractive women.

Bootle.

I'd go off and become a shepherd

if it wasn't for my crippling fear of...

..those of whom we do not speak.

Sheep?

Don't say it!

Or you could become a monk.

Like St Francis, or the Dalai Lama.

Or Yoda. HMMM!

Yeah...

Imagine if monks really existed...

Gaz, they do exist. They make the honey Janet buys.

You're thinking of bees.

And they brew beer. And pray.

Yeah... I could be a monk.

Spend all day praying for Donna to come back

and all night drinking beer - belting! Huh!

Hey - do you reckon monks watch porn?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, every morning in the foothills of the Himalayas,

they rise at five, for a day of quiet contemplation, fasting,

and a group-wank over Tit-Fest 3000.

Oh yeah, that's another thing, I'm not masturbating any more.

Which adds about three hours to my day.

You shouldn't have let me think Donna was dead.

That was horrible.

Oh! Horrible, am I?

You're the one who slept with her boyfriend.

Yeah, I know. Sorry.

Oh! Mean, was I?

Wasn't it mean to sleep with Jonny's

Yes. Yes, you're right.

Er - can you wipe that up?

Oh! Wipe it up, can I?

You weren't so fussy when you...

Yes, all right, Louise, you've made your point.

Donna not here?

No. Why should she be?

Cos she just split with her boyfriend.

I've just listened to Gaz whinge for ages.

Thought you girls'd do the same.

Nah, girls aren't really like that any more.

Haven't you heard of women's lib?

We play rugby and go coal-mining, don't we, Louise?

Have you and Donna fallen out?

No. We were never bezzie mates or anything.

We've just drifted apart a bit.

In a week?!

Yes.

Anyway, you're back early.

Yeah, I thought you could entertain me instead.

How? In that special way only you know how.

Eww!

With some warm milk and a Wagon Wheel.

Oh, I thought it was going to be something disgusting.

It is.

Right, I'm off, then. I won't find a job hanging around with you two.

I know where there's a job going. I'll take it!

Young lady, I like your spunk, you can start tonight. Tonight?

What kind of job?

In the wines and spirits industry - working as a buyer

on behalf of clients traditionally excluded from the market.

Be with you in a minute, kids.

£1 mark-up on cans, 15% on wines and spirits.

Get the cash, up-front.

Jonny, this isn't a job. You said I'd be working in an office.

I said you'd be working in an "offy". Well, I'm not doing it.

Come on, they won't serve me cos they worked out what I was doing.

Good. I'll have a tiny baby to provide for soon,

just think about that.

If you've got any sense of decency,

you'll go in there and buy those children some liquor.

Jonny, it's immoral, we'll turn them into alcoholics. Like that bag-lady.

Hiya, Donna.

Hi. What's in the bag?

Nothing.

Sounds like vodka. It better not be for the kids.

Stay off my patch. I'm gonna throw 'em away, honest. Don't tell Janet.

I'll have to, Donna. Janet and I don't have secrets. Ha!

She probably won't be bothered, though.

I mean, it's not like you're best mates or anything, is it? No.

Bingo.

Louise, you can have the night off.

Come and get it, kids.

Hello. Hello.

Bet you're surprised to see me in here. No.

Just thought I'd better get back out there, you know,

show 'em they've not won.

Make some new...friends.

Right.

Who are you?

Oh, sorry. Donna Henshaw, hi.

Pleased to meet you.

Oh! You're the one that were going out with Gaz.

That's me. Until he shagged your best mate, who's now pregnant and...

Enough about me.

What are you up to these days?

Do you still fancy him?

No, I don't care about that bastard any more.

He were in before. What did he say? Did he look sad?

Yeah, I offered to cheer him up,

but he said no, he'd only have sex with you.

That's a very moving story.

Oh, it's OK, the drayman came at three, so I did him instead.

Lovely.

What's that?

Gin -

I'm not a broken woman. Can you get me an orange juice?

OK. It's in the other bar, as is the drayman.

Donna.

I saw you come in, so...

Been to the crematorium, have we?

Yeah.

You all right?

Fine. Out making new friends.

It's all right, Donna. I'm suffering too.

You know, since you left, I've not had sex with anyone.

Big wow(!)

Not even meself!

Really?

No... N... Not on purpose, anyway.

Well, there was the moment yesterday

when the bus went over a speed-bump and...

And there was one when I pulled on some pants that I'd just ironed...

Right.

There was one when this little cat jumped on me, I went "ooh"!

See, you're missing the point there.

You're supposed to be faithful IN a relationship,

not when it's finished.

But it hasn't finished. Huh!

Oh!

GAZ MOANS ECSTATICALLY

I really wish you hadn't done that.

God, you're disgusting!

Donna, please. If you don't come back soon,

I'll have to start shagging other women.

I don't want to, but they'll make

Well, good!

Have anyone you want, have 'em all!

Just stay out of my bastard way, for ever!

Donna, I don't want 'em all, I want you! Donna!

Wow.

Why do you love her so much?

I don't know.

The way she looks, the way she smells, things she says.

Like "stay out of my bastard way, forever"?

Hits you right there, doesn't it?

All set?

I suppose so.

Hang on, if I'm doing all the work here,

what are you doing?

Taking photographs.

You ARE not.

Not of you - of the kids, drinking.

Then I'll sell the photos to their parents.

We're actually providing an important service.

You're a very strange person, Jonny.

Come on, mate, I'm thirsty!

I am not your mate.

You are. Aah!

No, I quite understand. Bye.

Where's the drink?

They wouldn't serve me, Jonny.

Why not?

They don't believe I'm old enough.

Must be because I look like a teenager.

Or because you sound like a chipmunk.

Oi, mate, where's me Thunderbird?

You'll have to wait a bit.

How long? Until time takes its toll on my complexion.

Could be years. No way!

I'm spitting feathers here.

Um, you couldn't go in for us, could you?

Go on, I'll give you 50p. No!

And if I don't get some alcohol soon,

I'm gonna tell my dad that you were taking photos of us from the bushes.

Basically, Janet, I've moved on, I've got new friends now.

Donna, she's not a friend, she's a tribute act.

She's a very nice girl.

We've had some great times together,

But you've only been friends for a day.

Great times.

I...remember...

..Kelly cleared out the ashtray for me...

and I filled it back up, again. Great times.

Do you remember the first time we came here?

We were about 12 and we thought we got drunk off wine gums!

Yeah, but we weren't.

It was the half a litre of vodka we drank at my mum's that did it.

You were sick on the jukebox.

No, you were. I had to clean it up.

Well, it was you that was sick on the pinball machine.

Yes, but that's easy to clean.

Not like the pool table.

All six pockets.

Still smell it on a warm day.

See, Donna, so many lovely memories.

So many happy times.

Hello.

Hiya.

Me and Donna were just talking about all the things we've both done.

Oh!

Funny I should walk in, then!

Why?

Well, you both done ME, you know?

Well done, Gaz, that was really tactful.

Sorry!

Hey, forget I came in, go back to being friendly.

Are these people bothering you, Donna?

No, we're not.

Donna... Donna, you love us, remember? You love ME!

Right that's it. You're barred.

What?!

What?

That's sexual harassment of my customers and I won't stand for it.

So get out, the both of you!

What?! I haven't done anything.

You were upsetting her! Get out!

Stay out of my bastard way, forever!

I've done you a favour, there, Donna.

If I wasn't careful, you might have

Yeah, cheers, Kelly.

Donna?

Donna.

Can we borrow some of your dead mother's alcohol?

I don't think she's in.

Maybe she's drunk herself unconscious.

Or choked on her own vomit.

Either way, she won't answer the door.

I wonder if there's a key around here somewhere.

Jonny, there was actually a key underneath that brick.

I know.

Right, Louise - you get the carrier bags out,

I'll clear the cocktail cabinet.

Jonny, this is immoral.

Look, Louise, if the kids don't get their drink, I don't get my photos.

The parents don't get evidence of the kids drinking,

my business goes bust.

Janet leaves me, the baby goes on eBay.

Is that what you want, Louise, is it?!

I'll get the bags out.

Cool.

That's weird. There's no booze.

My God, Jonny. We've broken into the wrong house!

Come on. Think, Louise.

Where would you keep booze if you were a dead alcoholic slag?

Kelly, I think you're a great girl.

And I know that you're in love with me.

I'm what?!

You're in love with me.

I'm not in love with you, you're a girl!

But...the clothes.

The hair.

The use of foul language.

That's because Gaz fancies you.

If I copy you, well, maybe he'll start liking me instead.

Oh! To be honest, I think you're a bit of a loser.

But if you fancy Gaz, why have you just barred him from the pub?

Bugger!

You made me do that. Get out! What?!

Stay out of my bastard way, forever!

All right, Kelly, you win.

You can have Gaz. Can I?

Yep, I'll give you his phone number.

And...

I'll tell you the one trick

that drives him absolutely wild!

How do you think Donna looked?

Drop-dead gorgeous.

Nah, I mean, like in herself.

Spiritually, emotionally.

Oh, she looked drop-dead well-balanced.

Don't say "drop-dead", I'm still worried about her.

We were getting on all right till you turned up. Sorry.

Oh, I'm going back.

There's no point. Her army of clones won't let you in.

MOBILE BEEPS

Well, then I'll wait at her house. She can't stay in the pub for ever.

Jonny, what's happened?

Kids today. They're like animals.

I blame the parents.

Well, they do let them run riot.

No, I mean, I blame the parents - it's them that beat me up.

And I threw him a couple of sly digs.

You what?!

Right, you're fired.

You can't fire me, I quit.

Fine. Fine.

Can I get a reference?

Yeah, I'll email it to you.

Ciao.

Why did they beat you up?

I don't know.

I very calmly explained that we were

so as to take incriminating photographs, and they went mad.

Well, I've got no sympathy for you,

I'm just off to Donna's.

Donna's?

Um...you might find the place is a bit of a mess.

Yeah, it's all right.

She probably just hasn't done much housework. Yes.

That's what I meant.

So, Donna still not taken you back, then? No.

MOBILE BEEPS

And now other women are moving in like vultures.

Look, that Kelly's somehow got my number.

She's texted me to go round the pub.

Well, maybe you should just go for it.

You're right. For Donna's sake, I should get meself some easy sex.

Brace yourself, Kelly. He's on his way.

Oh, my God, Donna.

What's happened to you?

I'm so sorry.

Bleach.

No, I can't let you keep that.

A knife!

Oh, my God!

There's no way I can let you keep that in the house.

BANGING OUTSIDE

Oh, oh God. Um...

Hello?

Hello, Janet.

Hello.

What are you doing?

I was worried about you, Donna.

So, you broke into my house

and hid in the dark with a big knife?

Well...yeah.

Well, that's very reassuring.

No, really, Donna. I know I'm really, really stupid

but I feel really, really bad...

I know you feel bad and I know you're really stupid.

..and I'm really pregnant and I'm really getting married

and I really, really want you there.

Really.

Well, so much for me making new friends.

Well, if you want one of your old ones back...

What are you doing?

Helping you tidy up.

Hello, love.

Well, you've worn me down.

Here it is.

Quiet in here, tonight, isn't it?

That's because I've barred everyone.

Tonight, it's just you and me.

And I've arranged for a "friend" to join us.

Ooh, yeah!

Donna told me that it was your ultimate sexual fantasy.

OK, why not? The more, the merrier.

Great. Well, I'll go and untether her.

Belting!

Right, just this once. Then I'm definitely saving myself for Donna.

Better not let the word get round, they'll come flocking.

Baa! >

Ah! Ahhh!

Jonny, I like Fanny.

Get your box out.

If he's going to get married, he'll need his injections.

I've got you a present.

Donna, it's beautiful.

MUSIC BOX STOPS

Oh, my shit.

I think you're planning something.

I could be.