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1
00:00:02,020 --> 00:00:04,140
I am truly sorry I slept with Janet.
2
00:00:04,140 --> 00:00:06,700
The flat seems so empty
without Donna.
3
00:00:06,700 --> 00:00:09,260
Would you like me to come round
and shag you in it?
4
00:00:09,260 --> 00:00:10,580
I know what happened.
5
00:00:10,580 --> 00:00:12,180
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry!
6
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:14,620
We can't pick up the pieces
of our friendship
7
00:00:14,620 --> 00:00:18,220
till YOU've picked up the pieces
of your teeth. I'm pregnant!
8
00:00:18,220 --> 00:00:20,380
Haven't you figured it out?
9
00:00:20,380 --> 00:00:21,940
Janet's having your baby.
10
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:29,540
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
11
00:00:29,540 --> 00:00:33,180
# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
12
00:00:34,980 --> 00:00:39,100
# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
13
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:41,580
# Just think I'll wait a while
14
00:00:41,580 --> 00:00:44,380
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
15
00:00:44,380 --> 00:00:48,140
# And a pack of flakeys. #
16
00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:56,940
Kelly, what's the strongest drink
you've got?
17
00:00:56,940 --> 00:00:59,100
Er...absinthe?
18
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,420
Pint of that, then.
19
00:01:02,660 --> 00:01:03,780
All right, John?
20
00:01:03,780 --> 00:01:04,900
Not really.
21
00:01:04,900 --> 00:01:07,420
Gaz, I've had some bad news.
22
00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:08,540
Bad news?
23
00:01:08,540 --> 00:01:11,140
What, is Janet all right?
It's not the baby, is it?
24
00:01:11,140 --> 00:01:14,060
No! I've been banned
from the off-licence.
25
00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:16,620
What, again? Is that all?
26
00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:18,740
I won't be able to do my youth work.
27
00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:23,540
Your youth work
buying cider for 10-year-olds?
28
00:01:23,540 --> 00:01:26,540
It's important.
I bring joy to the community.
29
00:01:26,540 --> 00:01:28,620
Once they get a couple of cans down
them,
30
00:01:28,620 --> 00:01:31,460
you should see their little faces
light up.
31
00:01:31,460 --> 00:01:34,980
Some of us have got real problems -
32
00:01:34,980 --> 00:01:37,580
don't tell anyone this,
33
00:01:37,580 --> 00:01:40,220
but I haven't had sex
since Donna left me.
34
00:01:40,220 --> 00:01:42,660
Oh, my God(!)
35
00:01:42,660 --> 00:01:44,260
Four days of abstinence.
36
00:01:44,260 --> 00:01:46,340
You're a modern-day Gandhi.
37
00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:50,820
96 hours! I mean, you don't
want to be there when it blows.
38
00:01:52,340 --> 00:01:54,140
Oh, you poor, deprived child.
39
00:01:54,140 --> 00:01:55,420
What can I do to help?
40
00:01:55,420 --> 00:01:56,700
Er, not very much!
41
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,580
I could help.
42
00:01:58,580 --> 00:01:59,860
Cool. No, you couldn't.
43
00:01:59,860 --> 00:02:03,420
I could. I could shag you over
a barrel in the car park.
44
00:02:03,420 --> 00:02:06,420
Nah, that's sweet but it would only
remind me of Donna.
45
00:02:06,420 --> 00:02:09,780
It's one of those old-fashioned ones
46
00:02:09,780 --> 00:02:13,060
Nah, that's sweet, but it would only
remind me of Donna.
47
00:02:13,060 --> 00:02:14,660
Buggery.
48
00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:17,980
Yeah, that's sweet, but it would
only remind me of Donna.
49
00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:20,300
I thought you wanted sex?
50
00:02:20,300 --> 00:02:22,740
The problem is not that I can't get
sex, Jonny.
51
00:02:22,740 --> 00:02:26,180
I could walk into any club in this
town and get a woman like that.
52
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,500
A flamenco dancer?
53
00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:32,220
The problem is that I'm keeping
myself pure for Donna.
54
00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:35,020
It's killing me, Jonny.
It's killing me.
55
00:02:35,020 --> 00:02:38,620
Four days?!
Janet once gave up sex for Lent!
56
00:02:38,620 --> 00:02:42,540
I learnt the true meaning
of Palm Sunday.
57
00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:52,540
Rejected, rejected, rejected.
58
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:56,180
Enough job rejection letters
to paper the walls of a palace.
59
00:02:57,540 --> 00:02:59,540
And they come up with
feeble excuses.
60
00:02:59,540 --> 00:03:02,260
"Too young", "too short",
"no pilot's licence".
61
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:07,820
Well, they all mean the same thing -
62
00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:11,860
You get one person shot in the knee
and suddenly you're a criminal.
63
00:03:11,860 --> 00:03:15,180
There are lots of successful
ex-criminals. Like who?
64
00:03:15,180 --> 00:03:17,460
Johnny Vaughn.
65
00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:19,580
Nelson Mandela.
66
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:23,500
Ronnie Barker.
67
00:03:23,500 --> 00:03:27,140
Ooh - chocolates.
68
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,780
Er, don't touch those,
I'm sending them to Donna.
69
00:03:29,780 --> 00:03:32,100
"Please forgive me, Donna-Dons
70
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:33,820
"For causing so much pain
71
00:03:33,820 --> 00:03:36,300
"But I only shagged your boyfriend
once
72
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,140
"And I defo won't do it again."
73
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:44,660
Well, I say this for it, Janet -
it's crap.
74
00:03:44,660 --> 00:03:48,260
Yes, I know - hence the chocolates.
75
00:03:48,260 --> 00:03:51,100
I know, I could work as a lifestyle
76
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:53,140
She was a wreck the last time
I saw her.
77
00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:54,220
When did you see her?
78
00:03:54,220 --> 00:03:58,020
Just after she found out you'd
slept with Gaz. She was suicidal.
79
00:03:58,020 --> 00:04:02,780
Haven't spoken to her since.
Wonder what she's been up to.
80
00:04:02,780 --> 00:04:05,020
Louise, I've not seen her, either.
81
00:04:05,020 --> 00:04:07,900
I took some flowers round there
and there was no answer.
82
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,300
When I rang the factory,
she hadn't turned up.
83
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,020
Do you think that means...
84
00:04:12,020 --> 00:04:14,220
Oh! No, let's not jump
to conclusions.
85
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:17,580
..there's a job going
at the bucket factory?
86
00:04:17,580 --> 00:04:19,020
Louise!
87
00:04:19,020 --> 00:04:21,500
Don't shout at me,
it's you that drove her to it!
88
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:24,780
Oh, God! I just thought she needed
time to cool down.
89
00:04:24,780 --> 00:04:29,820
Well, if she's killed herself, she's
probably cooled down quite a bit.
90
00:04:29,820 --> 00:04:32,180
Right, I'm sending round
an ambulance.
91
00:04:32,180 --> 00:04:33,740
Have you tried phoning her?
92
00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:35,660
Of course I have, there's no answer.
93
00:04:35,660 --> 00:04:38,540
Why don't you try letting the phone
ring twice,
94
00:04:38,540 --> 00:04:40,700
then hang up, and then dial again?
95
00:04:40,700 --> 00:04:42,700
A secret ring.
96
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:44,460
She didn't want me to tell you.
97
00:04:44,460 --> 00:04:47,420
Oh, that was always our secret ring
to avoid...
98
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:48,660
Who?
99
00:04:48,660 --> 00:04:50,540
No-one.
100
00:04:53,140 --> 00:04:54,420
CROAKY VOICE: 'Hello?'
101
00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:56,620
Donna, it's Janet,
please don't hang up.
102
00:04:56,620 --> 00:04:58,860
I'm just phoning to see if you're
all right.
103
00:04:58,860 --> 00:05:02,300
'Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?'
Well, I don't know.
104
00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:06,140
You're lucky you caught me,
actually. Cos I was just off out...
105
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,980
..to the ballet.
106
00:05:08,980 --> 00:05:10,580
'OK, Donna.'
107
00:05:10,580 --> 00:05:14,300
And then I've got some friends
coming round to play Pictionary.
108
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:17,140
'Oh, what friends?'
109
00:05:17,140 --> 00:05:20,100
Jane. 'Jane who?'
110
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:22,060
Jane Fridge.
111
00:05:24,380 --> 00:05:25,500
'Jane Fridge?!
112
00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:28,100
'Oh, I haven't spoken to her
for ages, put her on.'
113
00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:30,020
I've got to go now, cab's here.
114
00:05:30,020 --> 00:05:34,540
'Donna, wait, please, I'm glad
you're OK. I'll see you soon, yeah?'
115
00:05:34,540 --> 00:05:36,300
Yep.
116
00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:39,500
Yeah, well, don't patronise me
with your pity, Janet Smith.
117
00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:43,460
I'm happy, happy, happy, tra-la-la
and I do not need friends like you!
118
00:05:43,460 --> 00:05:45,980
'OK, Donna, fair enough.'
119
00:05:50,380 --> 00:05:51,660
OK...
120
00:05:51,660 --> 00:05:53,940
OK, Donna.
121
00:05:53,940 --> 00:05:56,380
You're gonna get your act together
now, girl.
122
00:05:56,380 --> 00:05:59,020
Smarten yourself up, chuck out your
mum's alcohol,
123
00:05:59,020 --> 00:06:01,820
get back out there and show
the world you've not given up,
124
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:02,860
you're a survivor.
125
00:06:02,860 --> 00:06:04,540
'Donna, who are you talking to?'
126
00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:15,620
Maybe I should avoid temptation
127
00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:18,220
and go somewhere far away
from attractive women.
128
00:06:18,220 --> 00:06:20,260
Bootle.
129
00:06:21,660 --> 00:06:23,300
I'd go off and become a shepherd
130
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,380
if it wasn't for my crippling fear
of...
131
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,500
..those of whom we do not speak.
132
00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:30,940
Sheep?
133
00:06:30,940 --> 00:06:33,420
Don't say it!
134
00:06:33,420 --> 00:06:35,460
Or you could become a monk.
135
00:06:35,460 --> 00:06:38,260
Like St Francis, or the Dalai Lama.
136
00:06:38,260 --> 00:06:40,900
Or Yoda. HMMM!
137
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,660
Yeah...
138
00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:45,300
Imagine if monks really existed...
139
00:06:49,220 --> 00:06:52,460
Gaz, they do exist.
They make the honey Janet buys.
140
00:06:54,820 --> 00:06:56,660
You're thinking of bees.
141
00:06:56,660 --> 00:06:59,660
And they brew beer. And pray.
142
00:06:59,660 --> 00:07:02,180
Yeah... I could be a monk.
143
00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:04,620
Spend all day praying for Donna
to come back
144
00:07:04,620 --> 00:07:07,780
and all night drinking beer -
belting! Huh!
145
00:07:07,780 --> 00:07:11,220
Hey - do you reckon
monks watch porn?
146
00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:15,460
Yeah. Oh, yeah, every morning in
the foothills of the Himalayas,
147
00:07:15,460 --> 00:07:19,140
they rise at five, for a day of
quiet contemplation, fasting,
148
00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:21,820
and a group-wank over Tit-Fest 3000.
149
00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:27,060
Oh yeah, that's another thing,
I'm not masturbating any more.
150
00:07:27,060 --> 00:07:30,100
Which adds about three hours
to my day.
151
00:07:33,980 --> 00:07:36,500
You shouldn't have let me think
Donna was dead.
152
00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:38,180
That was horrible.
153
00:07:38,180 --> 00:07:39,380
Oh! Horrible, am I?
154
00:07:39,380 --> 00:07:41,660
You're the one who slept with her
boyfriend.
155
00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:44,860
Yeah, I know. Sorry.
156
00:07:44,860 --> 00:07:46,260
Oh! Mean, was I?
157
00:07:46,260 --> 00:07:49,740
Wasn't it mean to sleep with Jonny's
158
00:07:49,740 --> 00:07:51,380
Yes. Yes, you're right.
159
00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:53,700
Er - can you wipe that up?
160
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:55,580
Oh! Wipe it up, can I?
161
00:07:55,580 --> 00:07:57,300
You weren't so fussy when you...
162
00:07:57,300 --> 00:08:00,140
Yes, all right, Louise,
you've made your point.
163
00:08:01,340 --> 00:08:02,820
Donna not here?
164
00:08:02,820 --> 00:08:04,820
No. Why should she be?
165
00:08:04,820 --> 00:08:06,900
Cos she just split with her
boyfriend.
166
00:08:06,900 --> 00:08:09,100
I've just listened to Gaz
whinge for ages.
167
00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:10,820
Thought you girls'd do the same.
168
00:08:10,820 --> 00:08:13,220
Nah, girls aren't really like that
any more.
169
00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:15,100
Haven't you heard of women's lib?
170
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,820
We play rugby and go coal-mining,
don't we, Louise?
171
00:08:19,460 --> 00:08:21,380
Have you and Donna fallen out?
172
00:08:21,380 --> 00:08:25,060
No. We were never bezzie mates
or anything.
173
00:08:26,620 --> 00:08:28,860
We've just drifted apart a bit.
174
00:08:28,860 --> 00:08:29,940
In a week?!
175
00:08:29,940 --> 00:08:31,060
Yes.
176
00:08:31,060 --> 00:08:32,740
Anyway, you're back early.
177
00:08:32,740 --> 00:08:35,220
Yeah, I thought you could entertain
me instead.
178
00:08:35,220 --> 00:08:38,740
How? In that special way
only you know how.
179
00:08:38,740 --> 00:08:39,780
Eww!
180
00:08:39,780 --> 00:08:42,500
With some warm milk
and a Wagon Wheel.
181
00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:45,780
Oh, I thought it was going to be
something disgusting.
182
00:08:45,780 --> 00:08:47,340
It is.
183
00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:51,100
Right, I'm off, then. I won't find
a job hanging around with you two.
184
00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:53,500
I know where there's a job going.
I'll take it!
185
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:56,780
Young lady, I like your spunk,
you can start tonight. Tonight?
186
00:08:56,780 --> 00:08:57,820
What kind of job?
187
00:08:57,820 --> 00:09:00,540
In the wines and spirits industry -
working as a buyer
188
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,780
on behalf of clients traditionally
excluded from the market.
189
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:09,700
Be with you in a minute, kids.
190
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:13,100
£1 mark-up on cans,
15% on wines and spirits.
191
00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:14,860
Get the cash, up-front.
192
00:09:14,860 --> 00:09:18,460
Jonny, this isn't a job. You said
I'd be working in an office.
193
00:09:18,460 --> 00:09:21,460
I said you'd be working in an
"offy". Well, I'm not doing it.
194
00:09:21,460 --> 00:09:24,660
Come on, they won't serve me cos
they worked out what I was doing.
195
00:09:24,660 --> 00:09:27,060
Good. I'll have a tiny baby to
provide for soon,
196
00:09:27,060 --> 00:09:28,260
just think about that.
197
00:09:28,260 --> 00:09:30,060
If you've got any sense of decency,
198
00:09:30,060 --> 00:09:32,860
you'll go in there and buy those
children some liquor.
199
00:09:32,860 --> 00:09:37,700
Jonny, it's immoral, we'll turn them
into alcoholics. Like that bag-lady.
200
00:09:39,060 --> 00:09:40,100
Hiya, Donna.
201
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,980
Hi. What's in the bag?
202
00:09:42,980 --> 00:09:45,340
Nothing.
203
00:09:45,340 --> 00:09:47,860
Sounds like vodka.
It better not be for the kids.
204
00:09:47,860 --> 00:09:52,220
Stay off my patch. I'm gonna throw
'em away, honest. Don't tell Janet.
205
00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:55,220
I'll have to, Donna.
Janet and I don't have secrets. Ha!
206
00:09:56,580 --> 00:09:58,700
She probably won't be bothered,
though.
207
00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:01,820
I mean, it's not like you're best
mates or anything, is it? No.
208
00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:06,420
Bingo.
209
00:10:06,420 --> 00:10:08,580
Louise, you can have the night off.
210
00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:10,060
Come and get it, kids.
211
00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:22,020
Hello. Hello.
212
00:10:22,020 --> 00:10:25,180
Bet you're surprised to see me
in here. No.
213
00:10:25,180 --> 00:10:28,020
Just thought I'd better get back
out there, you know,
214
00:10:28,020 --> 00:10:29,420
show 'em they've not won.
215
00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:31,020
Make some new...friends.
216
00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:33,180
Right.
217
00:10:33,180 --> 00:10:34,580
Who are you?
218
00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:37,900
Oh, sorry. Donna Henshaw, hi.
219
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:39,140
Pleased to meet you.
220
00:10:39,140 --> 00:10:41,860
Oh! You're the one that were going
out with Gaz.
221
00:10:41,860 --> 00:10:44,700
That's me. Until he shagged your
best mate, who's now pregnant and...
222
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:46,260
Enough about me.
223
00:10:46,260 --> 00:10:48,260
What are you up to these days?
224
00:10:48,260 --> 00:10:49,740
Do you still fancy him?
225
00:10:49,740 --> 00:10:52,100
No, I don't care about that bastard
any more.
226
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:54,780
He were in before.
What did he say? Did he look sad?
227
00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:56,740
Yeah, I offered to cheer him up,
228
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:59,460
but he said no,
he'd only have sex with you.
229
00:10:59,460 --> 00:11:01,620
That's a very moving story.
230
00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:05,460
Oh, it's OK, the drayman came
at three, so I did him instead.
231
00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:09,140
Lovely.
232
00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:11,220
What's that?
233
00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:14,700
Gin -
234
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:17,820
I'm not a broken woman.
Can you get me an orange juice?
235
00:11:17,820 --> 00:11:21,380
OK. It's in the other bar,
as is the drayman.
236
00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:28,700
Donna.
237
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:31,540
I saw you come in, so...
238
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:35,260
Been to the crematorium, have we?
239
00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:37,100
Yeah.
240
00:11:38,820 --> 00:11:40,540
You all right?
241
00:11:40,540 --> 00:11:44,340
Fine. Out making new friends.
242
00:11:47,220 --> 00:11:49,700
It's all right, Donna.
I'm suffering too.
243
00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:52,860
You know, since you left,
I've not had sex with anyone.
244
00:11:52,860 --> 00:11:54,220
Big wow(!)
245
00:11:54,220 --> 00:11:55,820
Not even meself!
246
00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:58,060
Really?
247
00:11:58,060 --> 00:12:01,340
No... N... Not on purpose, anyway.
248
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:05,140
Well, there was the moment yesterday
249
00:12:05,140 --> 00:12:07,300
when the bus went over a speed-bump
and...
250
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:14,100
And there was one when I pulled on
some pants that I'd just ironed...
251
00:12:15,420 --> 00:12:16,620
Right.
252
00:12:16,620 --> 00:12:20,020
There was one when this little cat
jumped on me, I went "ooh"!
253
00:12:20,020 --> 00:12:22,020
See, you're missing the point there.
254
00:12:22,020 --> 00:12:24,780
You're supposed to be faithful
IN a relationship,
255
00:12:24,780 --> 00:12:26,060
not when it's finished.
256
00:12:26,060 --> 00:12:28,300
But it hasn't finished. Huh!
257
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:34,940
Oh!
258
00:12:34,940 --> 00:12:37,380
GAZ MOANS ECSTATICALLY
259
00:12:37,380 --> 00:12:39,940
I really wish you hadn't done that.
260
00:12:41,660 --> 00:12:43,340
God, you're disgusting!
261
00:12:43,340 --> 00:12:45,540
Donna, please. If you don't come
back soon,
262
00:12:45,540 --> 00:12:47,660
I'll have to start shagging other
women.
263
00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:50,980
I don't want to, but they'll make
264
00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:52,140
Well, good!
265
00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:54,100
Have anyone you want, have 'em all!
266
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:57,020
Just stay out of my bastard way,
for ever!
267
00:12:57,020 --> 00:13:00,540
Donna, I don't want 'em all,
I want you! Donna!
268
00:13:00,540 --> 00:13:02,180
Wow.
269
00:13:02,180 --> 00:13:04,180
Why do you love her so much?
270
00:13:06,860 --> 00:13:07,980
I don't know.
271
00:13:09,660 --> 00:13:14,380
The way she looks,
the way she smells, things she says.
272
00:13:14,380 --> 00:13:17,380
Like "stay out of my bastard way,
forever"?
273
00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:22,580
Hits you right there, doesn't it?
274
00:13:25,660 --> 00:13:27,100
All set?
275
00:13:27,100 --> 00:13:29,060
I suppose so.
276
00:13:29,060 --> 00:13:32,100
Hang on,
if I'm doing all the work here,
277
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,700
what are you doing?
278
00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:34,860
Taking photographs.
279
00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:35,980
You ARE not.
280
00:13:35,980 --> 00:13:38,220
Not of you - of the kids, drinking.
281
00:13:38,220 --> 00:13:40,540
Then I'll sell the photos
to their parents.
282
00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:43,220
We're actually providing
an important service.
283
00:13:43,220 --> 00:13:45,740
You're a very strange person, Jonny.
284
00:13:45,740 --> 00:13:47,620
Come on, mate, I'm thirsty!
285
00:13:47,620 --> 00:13:49,380
I am not your mate.
286
00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:50,940
You are. Aah!
287
00:13:57,820 --> 00:14:01,300
No, I quite understand. Bye.
288
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:03,060
Where's the drink?
289
00:14:03,060 --> 00:14:05,180
They wouldn't serve me, Jonny.
290
00:14:05,180 --> 00:14:06,540
Why not?
291
00:14:06,540 --> 00:14:08,660
They don't believe I'm old enough.
292
00:14:08,660 --> 00:14:11,340
Must be because
I look like a teenager.
293
00:14:11,340 --> 00:14:13,500
Or because
you sound like a chipmunk.
294
00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:15,900
Oi, mate, where's me Thunderbird?
295
00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:17,660
You'll have to wait a bit.
296
00:14:17,660 --> 00:14:21,500
How long? Until time takes its toll
on my complexion.
297
00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:23,300
Could be years. No way!
298
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:24,980
I'm spitting feathers here.
299
00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:28,940
Um, you couldn't go in for us,
could you?
300
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:33,340
Go on, I'll give you 50p. No!
301
00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:35,340
And if I don't get some alcohol
soon,
302
00:14:35,340 --> 00:14:39,660
I'm gonna tell my dad that you were
taking photos of us from the bushes.
303
00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:46,140
Basically, Janet, I've moved on,
I've got new friends now.
304
00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:50,780
Donna, she's not a friend,
she's a tribute act.
305
00:14:50,780 --> 00:14:52,060
She's a very nice girl.
306
00:14:52,060 --> 00:14:54,940
We've had some great times together,
307
00:14:54,940 --> 00:14:57,300
But you've only been friends
for a day.
308
00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:59,180
Great times.
309
00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:01,180
I...remember...
310
00:15:02,580 --> 00:15:04,860
..Kelly cleared out the ashtray
for me...
311
00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:08,260
and I filled it back up, again.
Great times.
312
00:15:08,260 --> 00:15:11,180
Do you remember the first time
we came here?
313
00:15:11,180 --> 00:15:15,020
We were about 12 and we thought
we got drunk off wine gums!
314
00:15:15,020 --> 00:15:16,260
Yeah, but we weren't.
315
00:15:16,260 --> 00:15:19,740
It was the half a litre of vodka
we drank at my mum's that did it.
316
00:15:19,740 --> 00:15:21,980
You were sick on the jukebox.
317
00:15:21,980 --> 00:15:23,980
No, you were. I had to clean it up.
318
00:15:23,980 --> 00:15:26,820
Well, it was you that was sick
on the pinball machine.
319
00:15:26,820 --> 00:15:28,460
Yes, but that's easy to clean.
320
00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:30,540
Not like the pool table.
321
00:15:30,540 --> 00:15:32,860
All six pockets.
322
00:15:32,860 --> 00:15:36,460
Still smell it on a warm day.
323
00:15:38,740 --> 00:15:41,580
See, Donna, so many lovely memories.
324
00:15:42,940 --> 00:15:44,500
So many happy times.
325
00:15:45,460 --> 00:15:46,700
Hello.
326
00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:48,540
Hiya.
327
00:15:48,540 --> 00:15:52,180
Me and Donna were just talking about
all the things we've both done.
328
00:15:52,180 --> 00:15:53,660
Oh!
329
00:15:57,340 --> 00:15:59,260
Funny I should walk in, then!
330
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:05,500
Why?
331
00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:07,300
Well, you both done ME, you know?
332
00:16:09,220 --> 00:16:12,100
Well done, Gaz,
that was really tactful.
333
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:13,980
Sorry!
334
00:16:13,980 --> 00:16:17,220
Hey, forget I came in,
go back to being friendly.
335
00:16:17,220 --> 00:16:19,260
Are these people bothering you,
Donna?
336
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:25,380
No, we're not.
337
00:16:25,380 --> 00:16:28,580
Donna... Donna, you love us,
remember? You love ME!
338
00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:30,660
Right that's it. You're barred.
339
00:16:30,660 --> 00:16:32,260
What?!
340
00:16:32,260 --> 00:16:33,340
What?
341
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:36,860
That's sexual harassment of my
customers and I won't stand for it.
342
00:16:36,860 --> 00:16:38,580
So get out, the both of you!
343
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,380
What?! I haven't done anything.
344
00:16:40,380 --> 00:16:42,060
You were upsetting her! Get out!
345
00:16:42,060 --> 00:16:43,940
Stay out of my bastard way, forever!
346
00:16:49,460 --> 00:16:51,380
I've done you a favour, there,
Donna.
347
00:16:51,380 --> 00:16:54,660
If I wasn't careful, you might have
348
00:16:54,660 --> 00:16:56,620
Yeah, cheers, Kelly.
349
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:00,740
Donna?
350
00:17:01,940 --> 00:17:03,300
Donna.
351
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:06,340
Can we borrow some of your
dead mother's alcohol?
352
00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:09,860
I don't think she's in.
353
00:17:09,860 --> 00:17:12,020
Maybe she's drunk herself
unconscious.
354
00:17:12,020 --> 00:17:14,460
Or choked on her own vomit.
355
00:17:14,460 --> 00:17:16,540
Either way,
she won't answer the door.
356
00:17:16,540 --> 00:17:19,220
I wonder if there's a key
around here somewhere.
357
00:17:26,580 --> 00:17:29,940
Jonny, there was actually a key
underneath that brick.
358
00:17:29,940 --> 00:17:31,660
I know.
359
00:17:40,420 --> 00:17:42,740
Right, Louise - you get
the carrier bags out,
360
00:17:42,740 --> 00:17:44,540
I'll clear the cocktail cabinet.
361
00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:47,020
Jonny, this is immoral.
362
00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:50,620
Look, Louise, if the kids don't get
their drink, I don't get my photos.
363
00:17:50,620 --> 00:17:53,260
The parents don't get evidence of
the kids drinking,
364
00:17:53,260 --> 00:17:54,460
my business goes bust.
365
00:17:54,460 --> 00:17:57,100
Janet leaves me,
the baby goes on eBay.
366
00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:01,620
Is that what you want, Louise,
is it?!
367
00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:03,900
I'll get the bags out.
368
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:05,380
Cool.
369
00:18:10,020 --> 00:18:12,780
That's weird. There's no booze.
370
00:18:12,780 --> 00:18:17,860
My God, Jonny.
We've broken into the wrong house!
371
00:18:17,860 --> 00:18:19,140
Come on. Think, Louise.
372
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:22,260
Where would you keep booze
if you were a dead alcoholic slag?
373
00:18:24,260 --> 00:18:28,980
Kelly, I think you're a great girl.
374
00:18:31,740 --> 00:18:35,820
And I know that you're in love
with me.
375
00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:38,180
I'm what?!
376
00:18:38,180 --> 00:18:40,020
You're in love with me.
377
00:18:40,020 --> 00:18:43,740
I'm not in love with you,
you're a girl!
378
00:18:43,740 --> 00:18:45,300
But...the clothes.
379
00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:47,140
The hair.
380
00:18:47,140 --> 00:18:49,060
The use of foul language.
381
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:51,580
That's because Gaz fancies you.
382
00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:55,180
If I copy you, well, maybe he'll
start liking me instead.
383
00:18:55,180 --> 00:18:57,860
Oh! To be honest,
I think you're a bit of a loser.
384
00:18:57,860 --> 00:19:02,100
But if you fancy Gaz, why have you
just barred him from the pub?
385
00:19:03,260 --> 00:19:04,420
Bugger!
386
00:19:04,420 --> 00:19:07,420
You made me do that. Get out! What?!
387
00:19:07,420 --> 00:19:09,500
Stay out of my bastard way, forever!
388
00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:12,860
All right, Kelly, you win.
389
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:15,460
You can have Gaz. Can I?
390
00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:20,420
Yep, I'll give you his phone number.
391
00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:22,260
And...
392
00:19:22,260 --> 00:19:24,460
I'll tell you the one trick
393
00:19:24,460 --> 00:19:28,500
that drives him absolutely wild!
394
00:19:33,460 --> 00:19:35,140
How do you think Donna looked?
395
00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:37,820
Drop-dead gorgeous.
396
00:19:37,820 --> 00:19:39,860
Nah, I mean, like in herself.
397
00:19:39,860 --> 00:19:41,380
Spiritually, emotionally.
398
00:19:41,380 --> 00:19:45,300
Oh, she looked drop-dead
well-balanced.
399
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:48,460
Don't say "drop-dead",
I'm still worried about her.
400
00:19:48,460 --> 00:19:51,660
We were getting on all right
till you turned up. Sorry.
401
00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:52,940
Oh, I'm going back.
402
00:19:52,940 --> 00:19:56,500
There's no point. Her army of
clones won't let you in.
403
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,060
MOBILE BEEPS
404
00:19:58,060 --> 00:20:01,700
Well, then I'll wait at her house.
She can't stay in the pub for ever.
405
00:20:05,020 --> 00:20:07,140
Jonny, what's happened?
406
00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:10,340
Kids today. They're like animals.
407
00:20:10,340 --> 00:20:12,420
I blame the parents.
408
00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:14,100
Well, they do let them run riot.
409
00:20:14,100 --> 00:20:18,620
No, I mean, I blame the parents -
it's them that beat me up.
410
00:20:18,620 --> 00:20:21,580
And I threw him
a couple of sly digs.
411
00:20:21,580 --> 00:20:23,580
You what?!
412
00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:25,060
Right, you're fired.
413
00:20:25,060 --> 00:20:28,340
You can't fire me, I quit.
414
00:20:28,340 --> 00:20:30,620
Fine. Fine.
415
00:20:32,220 --> 00:20:35,100
Can I get a reference?
416
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:36,900
Yeah, I'll email it to you.
417
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:38,620
Ciao.
418
00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:40,300
Why did they beat you up?
419
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:41,340
I don't know.
420
00:20:41,340 --> 00:20:44,620
I very calmly explained that we were
421
00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:48,340
so as to take incriminating
photographs, and they went mad.
422
00:20:48,340 --> 00:20:50,540
Well, I've got no sympathy for you,
423
00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:52,420
I'm just off to Donna's.
424
00:20:52,420 --> 00:20:53,500
Donna's?
425
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:56,980
Um...you might find the place
is a bit of a mess.
426
00:20:56,980 --> 00:21:00,380
Yeah, it's all right.
427
00:21:00,380 --> 00:21:03,180
She probably just hasn't done much
housework. Yes.
428
00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:05,620
That's what I meant.
429
00:21:08,620 --> 00:21:12,020
So, Donna still not taken you back,
then? No.
430
00:21:12,020 --> 00:21:13,180
MOBILE BEEPS
431
00:21:13,180 --> 00:21:16,260
And now other women
are moving in like vultures.
432
00:21:16,260 --> 00:21:19,460
Look, that Kelly's somehow got my
number.
433
00:21:19,460 --> 00:21:21,460
She's texted me to go round the pub.
434
00:21:21,460 --> 00:21:24,060
Well,
maybe you should just go for it.
435
00:21:24,060 --> 00:21:29,420
You're right. For Donna's sake,
I should get meself some easy sex.
436
00:21:29,420 --> 00:21:32,860
Brace yourself, Kelly.
He's on his way.
437
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:44,860
Oh, my God, Donna.
438
00:21:44,860 --> 00:21:47,060
What's happened to you?
439
00:21:47,060 --> 00:21:48,900
I'm so sorry.
440
00:21:50,940 --> 00:21:52,500
Bleach.
441
00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:54,780
No, I can't let you keep that.
442
00:21:57,260 --> 00:21:59,180
A knife!
443
00:21:59,180 --> 00:22:00,540
Oh, my God!
444
00:22:00,540 --> 00:22:03,260
There's no way I can let you keep
that in the house.
445
00:22:03,260 --> 00:22:04,380
BANGING OUTSIDE
446
00:22:04,380 --> 00:22:07,340
Oh, oh God. Um...
447
00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:24,220
Hello?
448
00:22:36,620 --> 00:22:38,540
Hello, Janet.
449
00:22:40,260 --> 00:22:41,540
Hello.
450
00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:44,020
What are you doing?
451
00:22:44,020 --> 00:22:46,700
I was worried about you, Donna.
452
00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:49,140
So, you broke into my house
453
00:22:49,140 --> 00:22:52,220
and hid in the dark
with a big knife?
454
00:22:54,220 --> 00:22:55,860
Well...yeah.
455
00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:58,540
Well, that's very reassuring.
456
00:22:58,540 --> 00:23:01,340
No, really, Donna. I know I'm
really, really stupid
457
00:23:01,340 --> 00:23:03,140
but I feel really, really bad...
458
00:23:03,140 --> 00:23:05,780
I know you feel bad and I know
you're really stupid.
459
00:23:05,780 --> 00:23:08,820
..and I'm really pregnant
and I'm really getting married
460
00:23:08,820 --> 00:23:11,220
and I really, really want you there.
461
00:23:11,220 --> 00:23:12,660
Really.
462
00:23:13,820 --> 00:23:16,220
Well, so much for me
making new friends.
463
00:23:16,220 --> 00:23:20,260
Well, if you want one of your old
ones back...
464
00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:24,540
What are you doing?
465
00:23:26,460 --> 00:23:28,060
Helping you tidy up.
466
00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:35,100
Hello, love.
467
00:23:36,260 --> 00:23:38,180
Well, you've worn me down.
468
00:23:38,180 --> 00:23:40,020
Here it is.
469
00:23:41,940 --> 00:23:44,620
Quiet in here, tonight, isn't it?
470
00:23:44,620 --> 00:23:47,260
That's because I've barred everyone.
471
00:23:47,260 --> 00:23:50,220
Tonight, it's just you and me.
472
00:23:51,700 --> 00:23:55,300
And I've arranged for a "friend"
to join us.
473
00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:57,460
Ooh, yeah!
474
00:23:57,460 --> 00:24:01,740
Donna told me that it was your
ultimate sexual fantasy.
475
00:24:01,740 --> 00:24:04,780
OK, why not? The more, the merrier.
476
00:24:04,780 --> 00:24:08,620
Great.
Well, I'll go and untether her.
477
00:24:12,860 --> 00:24:14,100
Belting!
478
00:24:14,100 --> 00:24:17,700
Right, just this once. Then I'm
definitely saving myself for Donna.
479
00:24:17,700 --> 00:24:21,860
Better not let the word get round,
they'll come flocking.
480
00:24:22,860 --> 00:24:24,700
Baa! >
481
00:24:35,620 --> 00:24:37,780
Ah! Ahhh!
482
00:24:39,820 --> 00:24:42,260
Jonny, I like Fanny.
483
00:24:43,260 --> 00:24:45,340
Get your box out.
484
00:24:45,340 --> 00:24:49,940
If he's going to get married,
he'll need his injections.
485
00:24:49,940 --> 00:24:52,300
I've got you a present.
486
00:24:52,300 --> 00:24:54,980
Donna, it's beautiful.
487
00:24:54,980 --> 00:24:56,260
MUSIC BOX STOPS
488
00:24:56,260 --> 00:24:57,620
Oh, my shit.
489
00:24:57,620 --> 00:24:59,540
I think you're planning something.
490
00:24:59,540 --> 00:25:00,740
I could be.
35630
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