Original subtitles

I shouldn't have tried to tell Jonny about...you know...you and Gaz.

La-la-la-la-la!

I want to go on holiday. OK. Where?

Two weeks...

hiking in Ecuador.

Would I be right in thinking that's in Wales?

You've done a test? I'm having a baby. There's your news!

What made your day so hard if it

She wanted to tell Jonny about me and Janet sleeping together.

# Hey, Mr Bartender

# Give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# That doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I want a pint of lager, please! And a pack of flakeys

RADIO IS ON

Where...where's me duvet?

Me vase!

Me Habitat lamp!

Where's me cushions?!

Oh, my God, I've had gay burglars! Donna!

Oh, my God, they've taken her too!

No-one's taken me, I've moved my

More convenient for what? Not seeing your lying bastard face ever again!

I didn't lie. I just didn't tell you something.

Should I tell you every single thing I ever do?

Like...like yesterday, I had Smarties for dinner. Last night I had a dream about a giraffe.

Last month you had sex with my best friend and forgot to mention it.

It didn't mean anything. It just happened.

Maybe the same can be said for our

We're going to Ecuador!

I've already packed.

I'm still going. I'll tout your ticket at the airport.

Can you stop being calm?! Can we have a row?

For a row, you need two opposite points of view. I think you're

I am truly sorry I slept with Janet.

It only happened once.

Well, three times. But all in the same go, so it only counts as once.

It's the stupidest thing I've ever done. If you forgive me, we'll be OK.

Gaz, come here.

I bought this as well!

SHE SINGS ALONG TO RADIO

Turn that bloody racket off! It's your favourite!

I'm practising for when I'm a dad.

I don't mind Busted, cos at least they play their own instruments.

You'll be great with a baby.

I've decided to be a strict father.

I shall summon the children

Woe betide them if they make

You won't be strict. You're a big softy. I'm not.

I'm growing a moustache. Might be

It's great you're doing all this,

I've already done one. You've got a job?!

Don't be daft! I've bought a car.

What kind of car?

Dunno. Gaz has sorted it. Must be

But you can't drive. You haven't got a licence.

So what's this?

Cycling proficiency.

And it says you failed.

Gaz is going to teach me.

I want everything to be ready for

LOUISE: Is anybody in?

Just to let you know, I've finally sorted out my courtroom appearance.

You've got a lawyer? No, I've got a dress! Look!

It cost a fortune, but it makes me look innocent.

I'll leave this here for my solicitor. She's coming tomorrow to hear Jonny forgive me.

Forgive you? What for?! Nearly

Oh, yeah. Partly that, but mainly

Proves I can be a useful member of society again.

Again?!

I know Jonny forgives me. He's such a big softy!

I'm not a big softy, I'm a grown man. No-one tells me what to do!

He's cute when he has a tantrum! How cute is this? I don't forgive you.

Jonny. You've got to! I forgive you. What for?!

For that haircut.

For being lazy and a bit stupid.

I don't think that's helping.

How can I make you forgive me, then?

Not by waltzing into my house without wiping your feet and asking cheeky questions! Go to your room!

But... Ah!

But... Ah!

But... Ah-ah-ah!

Oh!

Mmm, wow. That was quite masterful.

Like I said, once I'm a dad, I'll need to start being serious.

Perhaps it's time to think about getting a job.

MUSIC BLARES

Flat seems so empty without Donna.

Awww. Would you like me to come round and shag you in it?

No! The last thing I want to do is upset Donna even more.

Oh, but I want a boyfriend.

Munch was all right for a bit, but I was afraid of snapping him.

Look, babe, you're a lovely girl...

I want Donna back. It's cos of me clothes, innit?

Me mum always said I wasn't slutty enough.

She's a prostitute.

And some Fox's Glacier Mints for long journeys.

It's only my first driving lesson. I don't think I'll need all this.

You never know. Where did you get it?

It was my granddad's before he died. Oh.

In a terrible car crash.

Off you go, then!

See you later, baby mother.

Hi, Jonny. I'm off for a driving lesson off Gaz.

Hurry or he'll teach someone else to drive behind your back(!)

OK.

Hiya.

Oh, God. Jonny driving a car!

Doesn't seem like yesterday he was

Well, it was yesterday!

Donna? I know what happened.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry! I'm glad

Er, can I just check... what is it you actually know?

You and Gaz.

OK, then. Sorry, sorry, sorry! Oh, God, how did you find out?!

I think my first clue was something Gaz said.

We were just lying in bed, chatting about this and that, and he said,

"I've had sex with Janet."

Yes, I think that was it.

It only happened once. Three times.

All in the same go, so it counts as once.

Oh, God! Donna, I am so sorry.

I'm glad you know. I've felt terrible about this.

Ah, have ya? Ahhh. How can I make things right?

You could tell me you're sorry and that it'll never happen again.

Or remind me of the great times

But that wouldn't work. I think the only thing that might make me feel a tiny bit better... Yeah?

Is if I beat you up. Beat me up?

Physically kick the living shit out of you.

I don't think that'd make you feel any better. Oh, I think it will.

We can't pick up our friendship

Can't we...? It's for the best.

I'm pregnant! Well, great. Yeah!

Now I can't even twat you!

Right, where's Herbie?

Who's Herbie?

Me name for the car. Jonny, only girls name their cars.

But I like Herbie. Then make it a special name for your penis.

He's already called Quentin. You can make it a special name for my penis.

That's a far more masculine thing to do(!) Let's see her then.

The car, Munch! Oh, right you are.

Gaz...

Gaz, it's beautiful.

Yeah, well it isn't a Rolls Royce or anything... Isn't it?

Isn't it?

That's the beauty of knowing mechanics. We can do it up for you.

I've started already. Look - electric windows.

Wow. I'm so lucky.

New car, engaged to Janet.

I wasn't gonna tell you this yet,

but Janet's pregnant.

What?! Well, since when?!

Four weeks. I know what you're thinking, it was four weeks ago I dumped Kate and got back with Janet.

Otherwise Kate might've taken the bullet.

Yeah. And it's thanks to you that me and Kate split up,

so in a funny sort of way, it's

Oh, no it isn't! It is, Gaz!

HORN BLOWS

Go on, Munch. Back it out for us.

BLEEPING

"Stand well clear. Vehicle reversing."

You should still punish me, Donna. I deserve to be punished.

You could scratch me.

Bite me?

Um...give me a Chinese burn.

A really bad one.

Or...a dead leg.

God, I hate dead legs. They kill.

I know what I'm gonna do.

You shagged Gaz. I'll shag Jonny. Tit for tat.

That's silly! Silly. Be silly to shag someone else's boyfriend.

Silly, silly, silly! I'm such a silly sausage!

Donna, no! Shave all my hair off. Shave it off and I'll eat it!

Bye!

Donna!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa!

Don't worry about it. It's always a bit jerky on the first lesson.

I'd agree if I was the one driving!

Whoa! Are you sure you're OK? I'm fine!

You've been acting weird since I mentioned the baby. No, it's brilliant about the baby.

What's bothering me is that Donna's left me.

You must've done something terrible! I slept with someone else.

Gaz, who was she?!

You don't know her.

I know everyone round here. She's not from round here. She's...

She's a Gypsy. Wow!

That's why Donna was in such a bad mood! You've seen Donna?!

Did she tell you about...the Gypsy?

Don't keep calling her the Gypsy! She's got a name! Yes.

Consuelo. Well, she didn't tell me.

She's probably still there. I'll go and get her. I'll get her.

ENGINE ROARS

Rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr.

HE SCREECHES

Hi, Jonny. Are you going my way?

Donna?

Janet.

Gaz.

Are you, er...

Yeah, I'm...

Look, er, Jonny told me about the...

Oh.

I mean. It's OK.

Well, there's no way it could be...

Good. So Jonny's the...

Yeah, he's...

You know, for... Yeah, um...

Good.

Can I have a...

It's good we can talk about this.

Yeah. It's always best to be...

Yeah.

Gaz, why did you have to tell her?

I don't know. It just came out.

If you hadn't spilled the beans to

It's when I spilled my beans to you, the problems started. Where is Donna?

She's gone looking for Jonny. To tell him about us?! No!

To have sex with him. What?!

It's for revenge. Don't worry, she won't persuade him. She's not selling raffle tickets, Janet!

She's offering her pink, young flanks up for his pleasure!

Her pink what?!

Flanks! She's got amazing flanks! If Jonny sees them, he'll want a piece.

No, he isn't! That's never gonna happen. People don't just shag

You can put her in gear now, if you like. OK.

You'll have to move your hand.

Jonny, I want you to take me, right here, right now.

I knew this'd happen.

Did you? Oh, yeah.

I said to myself, "Jonny, as soon as you get some wheels, you'll be peeling off the women like scabs."

That's what's got you going. Whatever. Just take me.

I'm sorry, Donna. This is a family car and I'm a family man

with one careful lady owner. What?

It's a dream to make love in a car

He's a good bloke. You should forgive him.

Jonny...

You really are a very lovely man.

No doubt about it, Herbie.

You're a sex-mobile.

GEARS GRIND

Jonny, there you are! I've been desperate!

Bloody hell, it works! I've thought of a way to make you forgive me.

I'm going to bribe you... with biscuits. Well, that's just stupid.

What kind?

What did she do to you, Jonny? She

Did she touch you?

She's upset about you and Consuelo, but we had a little talk and I think she might come round.

HE WHISPERS

GEARS GRIND

Gaz?

I'm not stupid, you know. There's something going on back there.

What?! A tapping noise at the back.

Could you ask Munch to do something about it? Course, sorry, Jonny.

MUNCH! Stop tapping!

"The most vulnerable road users are pedestrians, cyclists and motorcyclists."

And hedgehogs.

Hello, Jonny. I've got something for you.

I won't be bribed! It's not a bribe.

This time it's more of a threat.

Herbie! What have you done to him?!

If you don't read this forgiveness speech to my solicitor,

your precious Herbie will be in for a CRUSHING disappointment.

Eh?

I mean he's going to the crusher, Jonny!

You're a monster! Not at all. My

Obey me and you'll be back behind the wheel before you can say, "I

Ciao!

Fine. Crush him! I don't care!

What are you doing here?

Um...

Can I borrow me tin-opener back? Just for a minute.

Been trying to open these hot dogs with a shoe, but it's not happening.

Still not forgiven me?

For lying to me?

For betraying me? For tearing my

Yeah. No.

We can still be friends though, eh?

Forget about me, Gaz. You've got

Haven't you figured it out?

Janet's having your baby. No, it

A) Janet's slept with Jonny a million times and not got pregnant. Even his name's a contraceptive!

But one squirt from you and suddenly she's up the stick.

B) If you wanted to shut me up, you just had to say you used a condom.

You did not say that, therefore no condom.

We used a condom. Bit late for that.

C) It's a fact that strange sperms

That's just nature's way of being a right bastard. That's bollocks.

Yes, but a load of whose bollocks?

Piss off now, I've got a plane to catch.

What, today?! We weren't going for weeks!

Moved it forward. No point hanging

I know that, Gaz. That's why I'm

No, no!

I forbid you to go to the airport. Do you hear me? I forbid you.

Huh! Tough!

April fool.

What? It's just a big practical joke.

I didn't really sleep with Janet.

Just pretended for a laugh.

You should've seen your face!

Please, just take what you want and leave.

Whatever I want? Yes!

Don't make it difficult. I know this is hard for you, Gaz.

There's no way you're gonna change

Good!

On our journey through life,

we are privileged to meet maybe one

Such a person was Louise.

Enter Louise, drawn by two stallions.

I wrote it for my funeral, but you get the gist.

I'm not saying this! I think you

Or your Herbie's coming home in a glove compartment.

Fine. Fine.

Crush him. I will.

I don't care. Neither do I.

DOORBELL RINGS

It's Herbie! He's escaped!

Oh, it's you. Hi, is Janet here?

JANET? It's all right. I'll go through.

Nine minutes, Jonny.

Tick...tick...tick.

Tick!

Gaz. Have you seen Donna?

Yeah, just now. She still thinks I'm the... Why?

Because I've got strange sperm.

It can't be as strange as Jonny's.

His is fizzy, for one thing.

It's not yours. You can't know for sure. Yes, I can.

I've had a test.

Have you? Yes. What happened?

I took some of Jonny's sperm while he was asleep, and, um...

I took it to the clinic - the fatherhood testing clinic -

and they put it in a jar with some chemicals and it came up to say Jonny was the father.

Oh, thank God for that!

Yeah. Anyway, what else did Donna say?

Not much. She was on her way to the airport. What? We've got to stop her!

S'OK. I already have. A little souvenir of our time together.

You stole her passport?! It was the only way I could stop her leaving!

You might as well lock her in a cupboard! Why did you do it?!

Because...! I didn't think of the cupboard idea.

Gaz, don't you think we've screwed up her life enough already?

I'm taking it back. You can't!

She'll hate us even more! You have to let her make her own decisions.

Janet, no! I forbid you, Janet. I forbid you to go to the airport.

Why does that never work?!

Just off to the airport, Jonny. OK. Have fun.

Just off to kill myself, Jonny.

OK. Have fun.

Don't be a fool, Jonny. My solicitor will be here any minute.

I haven't been a fool. Actually,

What do you mean? I can't give in to blackmail or any time you wanted anything, you'd nick me car. True.

But I could forgive you... I mean, really forgive you...

if you could forgive me.

What for?

You know that dress you left here?

The one you were going to wear in court?

I gave it to the Cancer Shop.

DOORBELL RINGS

So, you forgive me, I forgive you,

Do come in. Hello, I'm...

We appreciate this. There must've

Yes. Though to be fair, there were

What would you like to say to Louise today?

Um... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Louise was a shining star in all of our lives,

a source of spiritual as well as physical beauty.

She will be sadly missed.

Oh...and I forgive her.

OK, well, that could really help our case.

It demonstrated that she acted out

Louise.

You bastard!

I beg your pardon. You evil, vindictive piece of shit!

I'm glad I got you shot, Jonny. I just wish I'd done the job properly.

OK, that might actually be something that we need to work on.

Ticket? Ticket? Round-the-world ticket, sir? Madam?

Round-the-world ticket? £20 your ticket. Ticket?

I'll buy it. Why are you here?

I want you to stay and forgive me and Gaz. Go away! I'll follow you

Until you do forgive me. Janet,

I'm not going away to punish you.

Are you sure that's what you want? Yes.

All right. You're gonna need this.

Where did you get that?

Gaz took it. He thought it'd stop you leaving.

Right. So you followed me down here to give it back to me? Yeah.

So what was all that, "Donna, I don't want you to leave!" stuff?

I don't. Funny way of showing it.

Donna! At least Gaz tried to get me to stay. You can't wait to get rid

It's not like that! No, cos I'm not going. What?

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm

Don!

Tickets?

£10 your tickets!

Don't look at me like that. I never thought she'd actually do it.

Cheers, Herbie.

Do you like me new dress?

£3.50 from the Cancer Shop!

Do you mind? I'm having a moment here.

We'll have you back on the road in no time. No time at all.

Oh!

Don't tell anyone. I haven't had sex since Donna left.

Go on then. We'll have to be quick.

I am really worried about Donna.

I've had some bad news. Bad news?

I could be Donna's lifestyle coach.

Just after she found out you'd slept with Gaz. She was suicidal.