Original subtitles

I had a flashback. Janet and...Gaz!

I found them...

and they'd obviously just had sex.

Mum left the house to me in the will.

You nearly killed my boyfriend. Unless you apologise,

there's nothing you can say to make me listen.

I'm gonna tell Jonny about you and Gaz.

Janet, I...

..will you marry me?

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakeys. #

And then as we say "I do",

all the pageboys'll fall from the sky like so many cannonballs.

I can't wait to tell everyone, they'll be so excited.

You don't have to go to massive lengths to make our wedding happy.

Just us both turning up sober would be enough.

I can't promise that. What I can promise

is a 21-gun salute, an ice sculpture and a man in a very tall hat.

And what will he be doing?

Catching the bluebirds to swarm round your head.

It's gonna be huge.

The wedding, not your head.

People might not even want to come. It's just one wedding.

It's not ONE wedding.

It's one's wedding.

People are tired of us getting engaged. They'll only think we'll split up again.

Look, we missed out last time because...

Well, you dumped me like a cruel bitch from Hades, but...

this time, we can really make it special.

It'll be special whatever we do

because WE'RE special.

Don't overdo it. You don't know what's round the corner.

The pub. Which is where I'll be if you need me.

But...if you waited here, there might be even bigger news.

What's bigger than us getting married?

Unless... Yes?!

You've got us a canoe?!

No.

I'll see you later.

God, I hope I don't piss on my hand again.

# Duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!

# Duh-duh!

# Duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!

# Duh-duh! # And then they get him in this seat, like - a big leather seat,

and they interrogate him, right?

But they're asking him questions about Cardinal Hume, and when he gets one wrong. Bam!

Duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh!

That's not a film. It's Mastermind.

Anyway, how are you and Munch getting on?

I don't know. He's nice and everything, but... But what?

I think I need someone more cleverer.

Someone more like you.

Although, you know, he does write lovely poetry.

Listen to this what he wrote us in the Asda.

Vimto, Vimto, processed cheese,

Head & Shoulders, Rice Krispies.

So, he's quite deep, I suppose. How's your bird, with her poor dead mother?

What, Donna? She's...bearing up.

Hard-faced cow.

No, no. She isn't. She's dead sensitive. Over-sensitive.

They say that about me.

Ladybird.

No. It's been two weeks now. You'd expect her to have come out the other side,

but, no, she's still crying all the time, picking things up and going "it still smells of Mum".

And she sleeps with a face on her like this...

I'll tell you summat, grief is dull.

It'll pass soon enough. When my mum

Oh, she isn't any more. No.

The prison service brought her back alive. Fake mum didn't like that one bit.

If she WAS actually dead, would you comfort me?

If you like.

The point is, Donna isn't gonna get over this death for a long, long time.

# When you're smiling When you're smiling

# The whole world smiles with you

# When you're laughing... # Ha-ha!

# When you're laughing... #

Oh, my God. I can't believe it!

Oh, oh, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Here, have some Ribena.

Oh, bugger, that was wine.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry!

I'll make it up to you.

Oh, God. I'm a terrible mother.

Janet!

What do you want? You were so out of order yesterday.

I know and I've come to apologise.

I shouldn't never have tried to tell Jonny yesterday about...

you know, what I saw. You and Gaz... La-la, la-la, la-la, la!

..on the couch in all your glory...having sex...

La-la, la-la, la-la, la!

I promise, I'm never going to tell Jonny.

You won't? No, because then I wouldn't have anything on you.

As it is, I can get you to do anything I want.

I am not your slave. Maybe I'd like to see you squeal like a pig. I am not your sl...

I'll tell Jonny. Wa-a-argh!

Yay!

This is blackmail. Well, maybe, I want to practise counselling on you, now that I'm a trained counsellor.

You're what? Well, I've been having psychotherapy from Dr Yark for a while now.

Well, since yesterday. But I think

I've got bigger things to think about.

Well...then let's explore these issues...

with my box of tissues.

NO! I'll tell Jonny about you and Gaz.

It all started with my mother... Yay!

Morning.

Get out, you freak!

Bitch wanted wheat-free.

It's Kelly, isn't it?

Your Munch's mate? Any friend of Munch's is a friend of mine, unless they do him wrong then I bun 'em.

What can I get you? Nothing.

I'm bunned up. It's just that...

I've got a bit of news. I love news.

It's my second favourite show after Enjy Benjy.

Right, me and Janet,

right, get this? Yeah?

We're getting married!

What, again?

Listen... # When you're smiling... #

Wait. Donna, it's really good to see you with a smile on your face.

But would you stop singing that stupid song?!

I can't. I've not felt like this for...

Well, you know, since... Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop that. Happy Donna, come on!

I won't let it spoil my mood today. Why's that?

I've had the house valued, and even with the stairs broken, guess how much?

Well, it's a tenuous market, and

required to the property would lead me to guess...

I haven't got a twatting clue.

£99,000.

Marry me?

What me, a woman of property marry a commoner like you?

Why, my dear fellow, you're not fit to enter my potting shed.

Are you going to put it on the market?

I reckon so. It's

You know what Mum used to say to me when I was a little girl? Fetch the gin?

No. She said, "Never hang onto the past, Donna.

"You go for it. And if that means selling my death nest

"from under my still warm corpse, do it." Paraphrasing, obviously.

From now on, it's spend, spend, spend. And we can afford...

a takeaway.

This time I'm getting chips. Large. ..I've already thought

So have I. Didn't you hear? Chips, Donna. I want to go on holiday.

I've never been further than Warrington, and that's only cos I fell asleep on that skip wagon.

Ooh! OK, where do you want to go? Ibiza?

Faliraki?

Wales?

Two weeks hiking in Ecuador.

Would I be right in thinking that's in Wales?

No. A proper holiday, me and you. Give us your phone. I'm going to phone the travel agents.

MOBILE RINGS

Ooh, maybe that's them. That'd be weird, wouldn't it?

Yes. Yes, it would. Hello?

Gaz?

I need to see you now.

Louise is driving me insane. Janet!

Ink-blot test. Tell me what you can see.

That's my granny's last Christmas card

covered in Ainsley Harriot's sauce.

Mmm, Freudian.

Gaz...are you still there?

Look, I need to see you now!

Louise is threatening to tell Jonny about when she caught me and you,

you know...doing IT! # La-la-la!

# La-la-la, la-la, la-la-la! Oh, shut up! #

It's Vodafone. It's a courtesy call. Stop offering me 150 free texts each month

with reduced-rate evening and weekend calls.

They're insatiable. I'm gonna go the travel agent's. Get some brochures.

I'll bring you back a balloon.

Janet? No, I can't meet you!

Yes, I know you need me and, to a certain extent, all women do.

..Because there's no way in the world I can be alone with you.

And what if things happen?

Naked things.

Look, I can see what... # La-la-la! Shut up! #

Is that Vodafone?

Yeah. Do you want a drink?

All right. Look, I'll meet you round mine in ten.

Don't you dare be naked.

Hiya! Guess what! All right, look

Make it quick. I've got to go.

Me and Janet, right? Drum roll.

We're getting married!

HE MAKES NOISE LIKE CYMBALS

What, again? Where are you going? I've got to meet...Vodafone. Alone.

Aren't you staying to celebrate?

To be honest, Jonny it's old news. I've got to go. I've not been alone

Wish me luck.

Janet!?

Where's Janet? Oh, she's gone to the park to squeal like a pig for me.

I'm going to go and find her. Don't go, Donna! Come in. Take a seat.

Well, I've been the travel agent's.

I've got the whole world in my hands...plus a little donkey.

I'm just like God.

Meglomania infused with Donkeyphilia.

OK. Hey, I've put my mum's house on the market. Guess how much?

Do you think you're ready to tell me? Are you shocked by huge buggering amounts of cash?!

99 grand!

And, er...

how does that make you feel?

I feel great, to be honest.

What are you writing?

Just some case subject notes.

These are pictures of spiders.

Oh-h!

You need my counselling.

Let me practise on you.

Have you always had suicidal thoughts? Never. Come on.

I'd be suicidal if my counsellor were so much prettier than me.

Louise, there's nothing you can say to me to make me cry. I'm just not in the mood. Fine!

What about if we talk about that time your mother got squashed

And before she was even cold, you sold her house, so you could enjoy yourself.

How does that make you feel?

Gaz. Look, we need a plan.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Don't you point those things at me, Janet.

Gaz, what are you talking about?

Me and you. We can't be alone together! Ever!

We can't control ourselves. What if the nakedness returns?

That's not going to happen. You won't be able to help yourself, Janet, I mean, look at me!

We're not safe. You've seen the goods.

Gaz, I'll prove it to you.

Do you feel anything?

Yeah, boobies.

I mean, do you feel anything... you know?

Do YOU feel anything?

Not at all...but it has made me appreciate Jonny wearing mittens

What did you phone me up for, then?

Women only ever phone me for sex and to tell me my tea's ready.

Is my tea ready?

Huh! ..No, look. It's Louise. She's blackmailing me. She says she'll tell Jonny about us

if I don't let her counsel me. We have to think of something.

Why? Just let her counsel you. She'll

But what next? I'm her slave. She

Ooh(!)

Come on. We need to think of a way to stop her once and for all. Please think.

I can't while your nipples are still pointing at me like that!

I can't concentrate. It's like reading Braille off your bra.

We could confront her. Together.

Two.

Bound.

Or we could say that it never happened? That might work(!)

Except for the fact she walked in on us naked. We weren't naked.

We'd finished by then. We had some clothes on.

No, we hadn't. We were both naked.

Louise walked in, she smiled, her negligee fell off...

..then she said "Ooh, it's hot in here. Where's the ice?"

That didn't happen. That's how I remember it.

At least, if that had happened, we'd have something to blackmail her back with.

Don't you have anything? I thought you girls tell each other everything.

D'you know what? There is one little skeleton she wouldn't like getting out.

What? What? What is it?

Summat really fruity?

Something involving negligee?

In school, right... I've never told anyone this.

Oh, yeah!

Naughty, was she?

Yeah. 15 years old,

hormones a-blazing!

She...

failed PE.

Oh...

Oh, my God! If that's the "everything" you girls tell each other, I'm glad to be a man.

Listen! She's dead bothered about it. The BAGA assessor thought she was pissed.

She's always told me never to bring it up again. We've got it!

She's bound to stop now!

Hey!

DOORBELL RINGS

I think your anger management needs a little work. Argh!

If you dare mention my mother again, I will kill you WITH MY BARE HAND!

No, no. Gloved hands, polyester gloves.

Oh! And when you get to heaven, my mum'll be there and she'll kill you, as well.

And when you come back...AS A RAT,

I'll buy you from the pet shop,

And then I'll kill you WITH MY BARE HANDS!

You...

Janet!

I'd love to come, but...

I-I'm just in session at the minute.

DONNA MOUTHS

I think that's all the time we have for today.

All right. Hiya!

I'm stuck. Got any goose fat?

Er, no, sorry.

Then...I guess this is home.

I like moving. It's exciting.

So, you'd be excited if I had some, like, really big news?

Oh, bloody hell. That's brilliant! Top man. Yeah? You think so? Yeah.

As long as it weren't you were engaged again. That's so passe.

OK.

This is the deal. We sit her down.

We look stern at her like this.

Demand she stops blackmailing me and then -

and here's the clever bit - we threaten her with her own sordid little secret. Ha!

Actually, that's what I'm going to say at the end. "Ha!"

OK. You just go through that again. I don't really listen to girls.

Louise. Glad you could make it(!) A-hem(!)

The day I've had!

You know, your girlfriend is quite the Don Quixote with her donkey.

We have some demands. Ha!

I thought you were saving that for the end. It's addictive.

Louise, we have a little bargaining chip we'd like to offer. Ha!

I don't mind admitting, Gaz,

I have Paolo parts in places straw should never exist.

Hello?! My demands.

She's the worst subject I've encountered since PE.

God, do you remember me failing that at school?!

Funny story. I tell it to everyone.

Oh, bollocks!

That's it. I'll just have to tell

I only tried to be nice to her about her mum and encourage her suicidal tendencies.

Imagine if I'd done something really wrong.

Imagine. Like snagging one of her revolting cardigans or smoking her last roll-up, or...

Did you see that?!

Are you mad? You've just made everything ten times worse.

She grabbed me and kissed me.

Oh, my God!

Well, I, for one, sure hope Donna doesn't find out about that.

Oh-h-h(!)

So do I.

Louise, will you be telling the frightening and hurtful Donna about kissing her boyfriend?

I am so turned on.

Let's phone Donna.

Oh, God. Don't tell Donna.

Please don't tell Donna.

Are you going to tell Donna, Gaz?

Well...I might be persuaded to keep it quiet.

Janet?! I won't tell Donna...

if you don't tell Jonny about me and him.

Of course. Definitely. I'll never bring it up again,

if you're sure you won't tell Donna a thing.

BOTH: Yes.

Thank you, thank you!

Ah, by God, it was worth it!

Ha!

Hello. What are you doing here?

Calming down. Bloody Louise!

She just makes feel me so...

GRUNTING: Fuh-duh...!

That's the only word for it.

Fuh-duh!

I would love to be thought of as...

fuh-duh!

Everyone round here seems to think I'm...

MUMBLING: ..muh...muh!

Oh, it's not her fault.

My life is such a mess.

So's mine. The most exciting thing in the world's happening to me and

My mum's died. And I can't use her money for travelling because I feel guilty.

You win. So, where is it you want to go? Hiking in Ecuador.

Day trips to Wales aren't that expensive.

That was only the beginning. I wanted to travel the world, Jonny.

Louise has made me think I'm being selfish, selling Mum's house to go travelling.

Well, you ARE. What's wrong with that?

It's sick. I should be sat in her house moping. I should be at her

And Flo'd like that, would she? She never spoke about it. She always

She was never a grave-tending, mopey woman.

She was a slave-vending, gropey woman.

I know, but...Louise made me feel I should be the dutiful daughter.

But she'd want you to be happy.

You'd be granting her dying wish if you went travelling. Do you think?

Although her actual dying wish was probably, "I wish that truck wasn't

You're right, you know. I'm going to book this trip. Do it! It'll be great.

I will! And not just to Ecuador.

You should! I'll phone 'em now.

I've never been so excited. Do you want to hear something even more exciting?

Yes. I'm getting married!

What, again?

Norma's just said she saw you kissing that little squeaky biffa.

Why her and not me?

What? I mean what's up with me, eh? Is it because I rammed your brother into that swing?

Aw! I couldn't help it. He was annoying me. "Higher, higher!

"Faster, faster!" I just can't shag that quickly.

No. I didn't want to do it.

Then you just don't fancy me?

Nobody fancies me.

Why not? What's wrong with me, eh? I'll never get a boyfriend.

I've already got a girlfriend. Donna. You think I'm ugly.

SHE WAILS

SHE CONTINUES WAILING

Oh, bollocks! In for a penny, in for a pound, eh?

Hey? ..Hey?

Nobody cares. Always the bridegroom, never the bride.

Jonny! Hello. God, what a day. I know. Nobody cares about us

It's not news to them. The point of news is that it's new...Z!

We've been engaged before.

And I'm thinking we should just not get married,

until I can think of something that'll make 'em go.

"Wow! That's some news, Jonny. Check out those tidings.

"Ahoy! Call the fire brigade. This is hot".

We don't know anyone that speaks like that, other than you.

Like, we could do it underwater.

That'd be news. Been done.

At a football stadium?

Been done.

On fire! Not been done.

But resulting in death.

At least it'd be news.

We could do it while I was pregnant.

Now that IS unoriginal.

What would be news is if the groom was actually the father.

He is.

Jonny.

What? Y...

Yeah. Four weeks.

Four weeks old.

You've done a test?

It's not like before when you got your dates mixed up?

Or like when you got a craving for Big Macs and it just turned out you were a greedy bastard?

No, it's not like that.

I'm having a baby. There's your news.

Corinthian.

We shall name him Corinthian.

After our Action Man.

Would I be right in thinking that you pissed on that?

It's ace, Donna. It really is.

You'll really come with me? You'll be able to get time off?

Yeah. I reckon so.

Munch should be pretty competent...

once he gets out of that swing. I can't wait.

After all the bad news, it's great

I know. After the day I've had, I'll be glad of a trip to Wales.

It's my fault, isn't it?

I'm sorry my mum's death made me such a nightmare.

Ooh, I sound like Liza Minnelli.

You grieve as much as you want.

Go ahead. I'll look after you.

Thanks, Gaz. So what was it that made your day so hard,

It was that bloody Louise.

She wanted to tell Jonny about me and Janet sleeping together.

It's a bloody nightmare.

She's got a right gob on her, hasn't she?

I am truly sorry I slept with Janet.

Donna?

I know what happened. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry!

The flat's so empty without Donna.

Would you like me to come round and shag you in it?

We can't pick up the piece of our friendship

until you've picked up the pieces of your teeth.

I'm pregnant!

Haven't you figured it out?

Janet's having your baby?