Original subtitles

You made me late for Mum's funeral. "Mummy"?

Made a mistake with the flowers? The florist wouldn't do "Whore-hound".

Being shot in the leg could be the best thing that ever happened to us.

Excuse me, don't I get any credit?

Not for getting me shot in the leg, no. It's me that got you shot.

Me, me, me! What? Oh!

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I wanna cold black glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I cann't handle anything stronger now

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of plain, please. #

Look at all this stuff. I don't know where to start.

Listen, I know this is going to be emotionally hard,

clearing you're mother's things.

Oh, no, Gaz.

It's all right. If you need me,

I'll be watching the telly with a beer. OK?

You're supposed to be my tower of strength.

I have been, them ashes are bloody heavy!

That's a jar of biscuits!

Is it?

I spent days being scared of that.

Where's Mum then? Her remains are on the mantelpiece, but her soul is all around us.

All around us? Yes, she's everywhere.

Everywhere? Aww.

Look at these photos.

Me and my Dad, and me with Uncle Sven.

Me with Uncle Maudikai.

Me with Uncle Chi Sam Woo.

These men are all your uncles?

They used to buy me sweets when my Dad was away.

Mum would show them an embroidery and they'd have arguments about how good it was.

Oh my God, she slept with them all!

There was a letter for you this morning.

It looked important so I opened it in case there was money in it.

It says you have to see your mum's solicitor, Mr Walker.

Good old Uncle Walker.

Are you making this toast?

I'm starving. I'm still doing your special topping.

I've picked the coloured ones out of your Hundreds And Thousands.

There. Just the chocolate ones left.

Yummy! Hundreds And...

Oh, just hundreds.

This isn't enough chocolate.

You're my only source of sustenance.

Oh!

I don't see why you can't walk to the shop and get your own sustenance!

The physio said it would do you good to get exercise.

You don't understand, Janet.

There's all sorts of horrible things out there.

Policemen with guns, rabid dogs...

Darius.

What's that on your hand?

It's an all-seeing eye.

With this eye, I see all.

Clue's in the title.

It's to ward off danger.

What does it see, exactly?

Mostly we just watch telly.

Police Academy 6 on Living at the moment.

Like Police Academies 1 to 5, only with a look of "We're doing this for the money."

How can you watch that after a police sniper shot you?

The policeman who shot me was a violent maniac.

These are nice, jokey police.

Oh look, she just sprayed mace in his eye!

He'll go blind!

Oi! Come on, come shopping with me.

We need more food and you need the exercise.

Come on! If you sit there all day you'll turn into that obese man we saw on the Cook Report.

You know, Roger Cook.

I won't.

They'll kick me with their big-boy footballs.

Come on! Look, just try.

OK, I'll come to the park.

But only if you get me a 99.

No, a Funny Feet!

No, a Nobbly Bobbly!

Brilliant, your knee will thank me.

If any big boys come near me, I'll put my evil eye on their balls.

Keep that to yourself.

Police sniper!

What?

They're out there, Janet.

I can't leave the house.

Your solicitor has referred you to me for counselling, Louise.

Do you understand why? Yes.

I caused Johnny's shooting by changing his records.

I did quite a good job of it, actually.

Because of me, he is officially a cat burglar,

a diamond smuggler, and Thailand's tallest prostitute.

What we need to establish is what made you do what you did.

Why don't you tell me a bit about your childhood?

Well, I came from a loving and supportive home.

My parents adored me.

Mum? Dad?

Oh, looks like they moved again.

And your relationships with men?

How have they been? Oh, I never have any problems with men.

I'm Miss Congeniality.

Only I'm not a shite Sandra Bullock film.

All the men in my life loved me.

Johnny kissed me. Blaarg!!

You taste of lard!

You see, the thing is, Louise...

Raaarrrh!

Voulez-vous couche avec moi, ce soir?

Where you going? I'm going home.

HIGH-PITCHED: Ah! Ah!

Well, see ya.

So, why the animosity towards Johnny?

I can't help think Johnny has done something to make you,

subconsciously perhaps, want revenge.

Not really.

I actually quite like the fetid old fool in some ways. And you like his girlfriend?

Yeah, but just recently she's been a bit off with me.

I can't think why. Could you be repressing a memory?

Hmm...

Why've you got no clothes on?

Erm...

Why are you wearing Gaz's T-shirt?

Er...

Eww, what's that condom doing there? Erm...

I'm celebrating my singledom!

And breathe.

CREAKING

Hold on.

My coffee.

I didn't leave it there.

I left it there.

CREAKING

Flo?

CREAKING

Flo! I know it's you!

And I'm not scared! Cos when you were alive you'd never hurt me, and now you're dead you're...

You're with Satan, aren't you?

Why can't you just leave me alone?

Is it because when you died I took this spatula from your house?

What you doing? AH!

I'm just making a sandwich.

Why did you jump 10ft in the air when I came in?

I thought you were a gho..gho...a burglar!

A go-go burglar?

I'm not comfortable here.

Can we just clear up and go home, please?

We are home. Are we? Where's the porn?

This is so exciting. Mum left the house to me in the will.

There's just one condition.

What would that be? Having high tea every Friday with Uncle Fester?

Aw, Uncle Fester.

We can't open the cupboard under the stairs,

but we never did anyway.

Woah. What's in the cupboard under the stairs?

CREAKING

Shh!

Did you hear that?

Like... the sound of a hundred headless horsemen galloping down the stairs?

No.

Don't you hear what I'm saying? I own property.

Please Gaz, for me.

All right, let's just get this paperwork sorted and we can go to the pub.

Where I'll be spending a great deal of time from now on.

Oh, my God! What is it?

You know you said she was everywhere?

Yes, she lives on in all of us. She lives on in this bloody box!

Nails and eyelashes. And teeth!

Urrg, a scalp!

Nothing actually burned, most of her is still here.

I can feel her watching us now.

Well, she will be able to see us, Gaz, because we've still

Louise.

It's been nearly three hours.

Sorry, Doctor.

I had a flashback.

Janet, Johnny's girlfriend, and Gaz.

Was this flashback of a sexual nature? Yes.

Then you must be as forthcoming as possible!

I found them and they'd obviously just had sex.

Why didn't you come out and tell

Because I blocked it from my memory.

I was subconsciously repressing my trauma.

And when I altered Johnny's records, I was being kind.

I was saving him from pain by having him shot.

Do you feel you would like to confront this trauma now?

By telling Johnny the truth?

Some would say that's a way for you to progress.

Well, it's either that or shooting him again.

Whichever's easiest.

Hiya. Hi.

Have you still not been out yet?

No. But I watched Countryfile. It's the same thing.

I'm going to get you out of this house if it's the last thing I do.

Agoraphobia has its advantages, Janet.

There are support groups for people like me.

Sadly, I'll never get to meet them.

Hello Johnny, I'm the world's most perfect biscuit.

Oh, my God, you're beautiful!

On the outside I'm a haughty Hobnob, but on the inside I'm just a dirty Jammy Dodger.

What's your name?

Er, Vanessa.

Come over here and a lick my jammy centre! Oh, baby!

Dip my buttery crumbs in your brew!

Noooooooo!

Go after her, Johnny, she's calling you.

I can't! I can't go outside!

To me, she'll always be the one that got away.

For God's sake.

Oh, here you go.

She's good. But she'll never be Vanessa!

I'm sorry, Johnny. Look, I do understand. It's OK.

We'll work through this together. Don't you worry.

Here you go, love. I'd better get going to the Asda.

I might be able to get a doctor to come to me.

I can't see me staying inside forever.

I'm a strong-minded bloke, I can overcome anything.

Ok. I'll see you in a bit.

I love you.

Police sniper!

Munch.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Yeah, I see them all the time. Loads of them. Nearly every day.

Always at the same time.

Seriously? Do they scare you?

They can do.

But Scooby always sorts 'em out.

I see.

I've got this problem at Donna's mum's. What with?

There's this cupboard under the stairs,

and it's haunted. There's something in there, and I think it's the spirit of Donna's dead mother.

There's all these weird creaks.

Tell me I'm not crazy. You're not crazy.

Thanks a lot, that means a lot.

Kelly.

Do you believe in ghosts? Oh, aye.

Yeah. There's one in the pub.

He lives in the cellar.

He's an old Indian war bloke or something.

Like Moira Stewart?

He's really there.

That's why I can never go down to the cellar on my own.

I always have to have a man with me when I go down there.

Would you look at that!

We've run out of pineapple juice!

I hate running out of pineapple juice! Bane of my life!

No, I mean, what should I do?

Read a book. No, join the Army.

Be the best!

I mean I need to go down to the cellar, but I can't go down there without a man.

Or, you could listen to music.

I personally like the musical stylings of Jimi Hendrix.

Although he was never as good when he left the Village People.

Look at all this stuff.

I was starving.

You are a good nurse to your little mental patient.

No time for that. We're going to role play. Oooh!

No. Imagine you are outside.

Uh! OK,

You're buying margarine.

I hate margarine!

I'll only play if I can have I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter IS margarine.

See, this is why I don't go out!

Why is the world so confusing?

You're in the supermarket and people are grabbing things and bumping into you.

But you're not scared - oh, no. What do you want to buy?

I want to buy a jar of onions. Silverskin, if you don't mind.

OK. Hurry up, put it on the belt.

Good morrow, sir. You look marvellous, being out of the house and all.

They never say that. They do in my supermarket.

I see you wish to purchase some pickled onions. A wise choice.

How good it is to be out on such a pickle-buying day.

To be fair, the woman in Tesco with the hair-lip has said that to me.

That will be £12 and 50 shiny pence. How do you wish to pay?

I'm not paying that!

Hurry, sir, a queue is forming. I haven't got all day.

I'll report you to Trading Standards.

These are organic pickles,

fashioned by Andalucian onion-herders.

I'm not paying. Then I'll call security! You do that.

Security!

And what is going on here, on such a fine day to be out of the house?

Conflict is good Johnny, use it.

That twat on the till tried to rip me off on these pickles!

You'll find these pickles are fairly priced.

Let me have one. No, they're mine.

Give them here. No, they're a rip-off! See how good and healthy this is?

Yeah, I feel more and more stable. GLASS SMASHES

For God's sake.

I'm going to take all the food away.

That's it! I'm going to starve you out the house.

Yes, what a good idea, to starve a thin person

Hold on! These aren't Andalucian!

Thanks, Munch.

I couldn't have done it without you.

That was the scariest thing I've ever done.

Why did you ask to meet me, Louise?

You nearly killed my boyfriend.

Unless you apologise, there is nothing you can say to make me listen.

I'm going to tell Johnny about you and Gaz.

Maybe I'll stay for one drink.

In order for me to progress emotionally,

and so I never get him shot in the knee again,

I need to stop protecting him.

I need to tell him.

I mean, you weren't that attached to him, were you?

We've been together over five years.

I thought it was just one of those convenience things, like Yogi and Boo Boo.

No, it's not.

He's the most important thing in my life.

That's why I'm starving him.

I love him, Louise.

I hadn't realised.

I could reconsider.

Maybe I won't tell him.

It could be like our secret.

Like a friendship thing.

A bond between me and you no-one else has got.

Yeah! Not even Donna!

I could be your favourite!

Come on, do it. Fine.

Make friends, make friends, never, never break friends.

If you do you'll catch the flu and that will be the end of you!

Yeah, and I'd like that 12 inches, please, thin crust.

Ooh, and hot wings!

Ooh, and some curly fries!

Ooh, and some onion rings!

Could you can nip to the Chinese next door, and get us a set meal for two?

Yeah, it's It's Johnny Keogh, number nine...

What do you mean, Janet's blacklisted me?

No, I'm not coming out.

Those two are so cute. They've got a little secret.

Aw.

Secrets are indeed cute.

I bet he's kissed her on the cheek or something.

Bless 'em, they're like a couple of little school kids.

"Can you keep a secret?"

"Yeah, you're my best friend."

"Make friends, make friends. Never, never break friends."

Good one. It's, like, childish.

Secrets aren't childish.

They are. It's like they've not progressed, emotionally.

Ah!

What you doing? Christ!

Will you stop creeping up on me?

I thought you were going to the pub.

So, you thought you'd pack and move out while I was gone? Thanks a lot.

Donna, I want to live with you, I want to be with you.

I just can't live my life scared.

Not this again. Yes, this!

I've not been able to sleep!

I fell asleep under a Nissan. Munch thought I was dead.

He asked Dad for the mechanic's job and everything.

But it's not my mum, she's not living in the cupboard under the stairs.

But there is something.

Just come and listen to it.

It creaks as if there's someone in there.

Someone who's not been oiled.

ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE PLAYS

Ice cream! Mmm!

99s, Funny Feet, Nobbly Bobblies!

Open it. No, I'm not going to open it.

If we open it, we could lose the house.

Only a complete idiot would want to open it.

Open it!

Come on, Donna. I can hear things in there!

CREAKING

Oh, my God, Gaz, you're right!

I think I know what it is. The thing that we fear above all else. Sheep.

This is killing me. Either you open the cupboard or I'm not living here.

OK, we'll open it together, right?

Whatever's in there, we'll face together. OK.

Cheers, mate.

Look, I'm outside!

EXHAUST BACKFIRES

Donna, wait.

If we don't make it through this, I wanted to know how much I've cherished our time together.

Especially those precious moments when I was banging you senseless.

That's nice.

OK.

It's empty.

It's empty?

It's empty, we can move in.

CREAKING

Oh, I see.

The door was supporting the lintel.

Ah, that doesn't matter.

This'll cost a fortune! We've broken the house!

It's just the lintel on the stairs. I'll fix that, piece of piss!

I'll be off down the builder's yard, then.

Still hungry?

I need to tell you something.

Buggery! While you were out, the most amazing thing happened...

I can't take it any longer. I need to progress emotionally.

Shut up! You're not listening to me.

Louise fell and sustained concussion.

Anything she says from now on is a lie. Not true!

See? Johnny, I saw...

Shut your mouth, Louise. He needs to know what I need to tell him!

Johnny! No! Janet slept with Gav!

My God.

Johnny. I'm so sorry. I...

Where's he gone?

Hiya!

Where did you just get those from?

I went outside. I'm cured.

Well, in that case, Johnny, there's something I have to tell you.

She doesn't do dairy.

There's something I want to ask you.

Will you hold my cornet for me? Yeah. That's not the question, by the way.

Janet, I don't want to waste any more of my life.

Will you marry me?

Oh, my God.

Please say yes.

My knee is killing me.

Yes! Yes, definitely!

Let's celebrate!

Police sniper!

I can't believe it.

I think I need someone more cleverer.

Someone more like you.

What was it that made your day so hard if it wasn't me?

Oh bollocks! In for a penny, in for a pound, eh?

Gaz, I need to see you now.

I am SO turned on!