Original subtitles

You're not important, you're impotent. That's it, rub it in.

Murder? No, that's too much.

Armed robbery? Tick.

Donna! Gaz!

You see my girlfriend again and I'll smack you.

Jonny Keogh, master criminal.

Not so dull any more.

Don't shoot me.

Why do you think I wanna shoot you?! The gun.

What gun? The one in your trousers.

I can feel it.

Put the gun down, Mr Keogh. I haven't got a gun.

This is just a Crunchie.

No!

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakeys. #

Shoes...

now which shoes say "death"?

Jesus sandals!

DOORBELL RINGS

Louise.

The car will be here in a minute.

I know.

You OK?

I don't think so, I'm numb. Well, you did insist on ribbed ones.

I don't know why it's affected you like it has.

You're just so horny!

I'm sorry, Gaz.

I don't mind. I just thought you'd have wanted to spend the day crying rather than sat on my mouth.

Well, grief affects us all differently.

CAR BEEPS LOUDLY

It's the car!

Are you ready for this? As I can be.

Hold on, shouldn't the driver have knocked! That's a bit disrespectful.

"Beep, beep! Coming through, body in the back." Well, he isn't getting a tip.

Hearses aren't like taxis. They only have one drop-off point.

They're not likely to say "You'll never guess who I had in the back."

What are you looking at me like that for?

I can't believe Donna's late.

She must be grief stricken.

I think we all are.

Will there be food later?

All rise, please!

FUNEREAL MUSIC

Woo-hoo!

Sit down! I think you'll find you can't do much else when you've been shot through the knee, Janet.

You can't arrive hanging off the back of the coffin!

Flo had enough men hanging out of the back of her not to mind another one.

We'll begin with the Hail Mary.

Check this out!

< PRAYER BEGINS

I'm the local fool. I'm famous.

What do you expect? You got shot.

Of course you're going to make the front page.

Last week's headline was "Marmite Yum".

Amen! ALL: Amen.

I think it's great Jonny got shot.

Why would you think that?

Because...he's got all this lovely fame.

Free hair products.

The best table in the cafe.

Besides, nobody got seriously hurt.

So, no-one's to blame.

Jonny nearly died. Of course someone's to blame.

That's right. No-one's to blame.

< DOOR BURSTS OPEN

Sorry. Sorry.

I can't believe you made me late for my own mother's funeral.

Don't blame me. You're the one who's been affected so brilliantly by it.

...at 19 and pursuing her goal to be a full-time mother and housewife.

"Mummy"?! She's the least mummyish person I've met in my life.

Was there a mistake with the flowers?

I wanted "whore hound" but the florist wouldn't go for it. Amen!

ALL: Amen.

There you go!

"To Ada, a lovely dear, from that idiot boy, Jonny."

Big kiss!

Jonny, stop exploiting this funeral for your fame.

You're like Elton John.

Louise is right, this fame's brilliant.

I'm going to milk this for all I can.

And now Jonny Keogh will do a reading.

I didn't want any readings.

"Police were under fire last night following the shooting of local fool, Jonny Keogh" -

that's me!

Jonny, how could you?

Shall we move on to our first hymn?

"Freak Out" by Le Chic.

MUSIC STARTS

It's what she would have wanted.

I've not seen you in 23 years.

Not since they brought you home from the hospital swathed in blankets.

Her husband never knew.

Flo thought it were best. Sorry, do I know you?

I wish I could have known you better.

I've not seen you in 23 years. Not since... Oh!

Lovely day for a funeral, Donna.

Are you ready to go, babe?

I think so, it's been a tough day.

I might stay for a while, make sure everybody's...

Oh God... You, home!

Not again! There's mourners to behold!

What's going on?

Ever since Flo died, right...

Don't say died, use a euphamism.

I call it the truck splat... phst! ..incident.

Well ever since then, she's been a whirling dervish of dirt.

I know. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I get sad and then all these stirrings start.

And just have to...

I would have jumped on Father Downey if he'd kept talking about his erection.

It's "resurrection".

Miss Henshaw.

God, your hands feel so damn good on my skin!

Whoa! Sorry, Vicar.

It was a lovely service, Vicar.

I'd not seen her in 23 years.

Janet?

Janet, it happened again.

Jonny!

Stop trying to prove the Daleks wrong.

Louise, can you get me my pen?

Certainly!

You should be resting, what do you need a pen for?

That woman asking for my autograph got me thinking.

Jonny's a celebrity now, isn't it great to have been shot!

I'm going to sign these photos.

It's such a drag when you're in a restaurant or just hanging

and some punk wants a piece of you.

I'm like "Just chill!"

So, in future, I'll hand

What... You're not... People are just interested.

You're tomorrow's chip paper, Jonny.

Oh, Janet. That hurts.

I didn't ask to be born.

I'm going to my trailer.

Br-rm, br-rm! You should stop giving

He's had his leg half blown off.

Can I get you some form of infusion, Jonny?

Yes. Tea and bag would be lovely.

I think you should enjoy the fame

and perhaps be grateful to whoever it was who caused the shooting.

And if one day you do discover who it was,

I think the beauty that is you would find it in your heart to forgive them. Thank you.

Why can't you be more like that? I want you to get better.

You won't if you're Christine Hamiltoning it up all over the place.

It's all I've got. I can't work,

I can't walk,

I can't whistle.

What's whistling got to do with anything?

It just upsets me.

ATTEMPTS TO WHISTLE, DOORBELL RINGS

Anyway, I want you to support me in my fame.

Physio says I can get out of the chair in a day or two.

I'm thinking press conference - "The Raising Of Jonny".

I'm thinking auction of scabby bandages.

Jonny... Oh, the police, they're back for more.

Oh, oh! Oh God, oh God, oh God!

That's her.

Louise Brooks, I'm arresting you on suspicion of incitement of GBH.

You don't have to say anything but if you do, it will be taken

Did you get that? That was "ah!"

What's going on?

Help me, I'm being Louise-napped.

Seriously, hold on, you can't just barge in here and...

Hey, aren't you Jonny Keogh?

Why, yes I am.

For God's sake! My mate shot you! Dave. Dave from Preston.

Short fellow, wonky eye. Do you remember?

Strangely not but then I was more concerned with the huge hole he'd blown through my knee.

He's a nutter all right. Come on, let's get this one banged up.

Help Janet, they're banging me up.

And not in a Pete Tong way.

Oh my God, GBH.

See, he knew who I was.

I wonder if they'll do security at the press conference.

Ah! Hang on, hang on!

Wait, stop a minute. I can't do it.

Come on, it's easy, a monkey could do it.

Granted he might fling it at you

No, wait! I can't. It won't go hard.

For God's sake, what do you mean?

It's very easy to understand, Donna. It won't go hard.

Well, give it here. Hand it over.

No, it's shy and shrivelled.

Why now?

I don't know,

maybe I feel unmanlified by the funeral.

"Unmanlified"?

Yeah, unmanlified.

It's like unqualified but instead of certificates you get notches.

You've never been so tacky as to carve notches in your bed...

Oh my God, I've not noticed them before.

They're not notches, they're teeth marks.

Fine, you're going to have to clear off then, I've a very important job to do.

You can't ask me to clear off just so you can...

shuffle the deck.

It's just impolite.

February 19th, the week I had flu,

you made me sit on a freezing balcony for 20 minutes

while you did it.

It was only six and a half if I'm honest.

I was just trying to impress you.

Gaz, I'd just like to get on.

I could offer you some expert advice.

For example, will you be using pornographic material?

Possibly, I may just rely on my own imagination.

Be careful! Why? Because using your imagination will be fine for a while

but the danger is someone friendly pops up right on the crest.

Really?

You could be happily frottering away thinking about me in trousers

when "Hello vicar!", Father Downey appears behind a bouncy castle.

Well, I'm glad we had this little talk. Nature calls.

Any more advice you need, I am here to help.

Actually what do you do about the vague, hollow sense of guilt after you've finished?

I fill it with food.

Out!

Guards?

Guards!

I want a latte.

At least give me my hat back, it completes my outfit.

Me, arrested. Can you believe?

I know Jonny Keogh.

He could get you killed.

Note to self - "don't threaten to kill police."

Leave me alone. If you like her, just go and ask her out.

I can't. She's way too good for me.

She's dreamy!

Hello, Donna, yeah, how's it going?

I just remembered, if you stare very hard at Bruce Forsyth, he starts to resemble the testes.

I just thought that might be useful to you.

Hiya! I can't believe Jonny Keogh

He's fit.

Hey, I know him, I know him dead well.

He says I smell like a badger.

But that was when I'd been wrestling with a badger.

Do you think you could introduce me?

To the badger? Sadly, he's no longer with us.

No, to Jonny Keogh.

I work with his missus at the bakery. She don't like me. Women don't.

I threaten 'em...

with knives and stuff.

Oh, I could introduce you, on one condition.

Oh yeah, what's that then?

You want free Vimto? Two conditions.

See you in a bit.

Better now? They say people change towards you when you're celebrated but I never thought it of YOU.

And back we go. Wait wait wait wait wait!

What would the public think if they saw me sprawled on the floor

like some drunken Pop Idol. You are not famous!

You're just on the front page for one day.

And I'll be on the front page tomorrow.

I've called a press conference.

I've invited all the press Gaz,

The Runcorn World, The Runcorn Weekly News. All both of 'em.

My convincing disguise!

Look, I asked you here to erm...

I've got a problem. It's a big problem, but...

I can't talk to you if you're acting stupid and starry!

What kind of problem? Worse than nearly having your leg blown off?

No one wanting to know, when you just want to talk about how close you were to dying,

and the only one who cares

is a snotty reporter who wants to take pictures of your open wounds

Is it worse than that Gaz? Is it?

Yeah.

My...

MUFFLED: ..(impotence) is back.

Eh?

My...

MUFFLED: ..(impotence) is back.

Pardon?

My...(impotence) is back.

SHOUTING: Your impotence is back?

Christ that is worse! Yes, I know!

I would rather have both legs shot off and eat a grenade sandwich than

In fact, I would rather have been born without legs.

Then have pioneering surgery to attach bionic legs,

then have them chewed off by hungry ants than that.

I do know this. I need to know what I can do about it.

Well to me, you need to think back

to what cured your...(impotency)

in the first place and it would work again, wouldn't it?

That's the problem, it was Philip that cured it.

You know, dark guy.

Fancied Donna.

I got angry at him and inflamed myself.

Cured my impotency.

0h, him!

He was fit. If I was Donna I would have gone off with him.

He was just gorgeous, and brainy too. He was just perfect.

Anything going on down there?

No, but I'm not nearly so angry that you fancy him, Jonny.

That's what you have to do, get yourself angry at him again.

Yeah, you might be onto something there.

Maybe I could get him round the

Not fully erect, just...

Exactly.

Now if you'll excuse me I have a press conference to prepare for.

And I need to convince Janet to let me do it.

And I have pilates in half an hour. I can't wait to find out what it is.

OK, fellas.

Who's first?

To me, to you.

Louise, I'm so sorry.

Oh, Janet!

It's been terrible.

I hadn't realised you were still

What with the funeral and Jonny's stupid press conference.

And the memorial fountain for his leg.

I just thought someone would have bailed you out by now, your mum or Donna.

Mum said she quite liked the house without me in it.

She says she could eat as many of

I'll get you out of here.

Really? Will you dress me up as a washerwoman and smuggle me out in

I was just going to put the bail

But we can still play that when we get home.

What I don't understand is what you did.

They mentioned something about GBH, incitement? Erm...erm...

What is an incitement? Is it taping the top 40? Cos I am buggered.

What did you do?

Janet, get me out of here

before they give me some more of that stuff they call "grub".

Good, you're out of bed.

Put that pornography down,

These are pictures of my mother.

0h, so they are, yeah.

I am so very sorry.

Well she does look kind of sexy in them.

I suppose from a distance it could look like porn.

No, it's not that,

I just spent a large portion of last year masturbating over them.

Anyway Donna, I've reached a decision.

I want you to phone Philip.

I think if you can get him to leave a message on our answer phone,

I'll get so angry with him that... Uh!

You know.

OK.

If you're sure?

Yep.

Hi Philip, it's Donna.

Look, can you phone back because my oven just pinged. Thanks, bye.

My oven pinged?!

PHONE RINGS

'You've reached Donna and Gaz. My mum's dead.'

CRYING

ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

'Donna hi, I am really sorry about your mum.

'Jesus, I didn't know.

'Look, if there is anything I can do, anything, even if it's just getting in some shopping or mowing the lawn.

'Phone me if you need me, OK?'

So did it work?

Are you angry and horny, like me?

How could I be angry with that?

What?

How nice he was being, his little voice, it was lovely.

I just wish we had a lawn for him to mow.

Watch the hair, I've got a press conference to think of.

For God's sake Jonny, fame is not important.

You being healthy and well is what

Gordon Burns wants to do an interview

Oh my God, I love him. So you're

What am I going to wear? Is my hair OK?

Will they send a car? Gordon Burns! So it's OK?

Gordon Burns, Gordon Burns! Finally, thank you! Thank you.

Ahem! Excuse me, don't I get a big thank you?

Being shot in the leg could be the best thing that ever happened to us.

God bless offensive weaponry.

Excuse me, don't I get any credit?

Not for getting me shot in the leg, no.

That was Dave, Dave from Preston. Short fellow, wonky eye.

Thank you Dave!

Dave? I am not having Dave getting all my credit. Or this Gordy.

What do you think I am?

It's me that deserves the praise

Me, me, me. Come on, all hail Louise.

What? Oh!

Janet, come back!

Have you seen Bad Girls? Have you seen Prisoner Cell Block H?

Have you seen Fame Academy? It's good isn't it?

Hello, Gary.

Aaah!

Donna! What are you doing?

I am not Donna. I am Philip

and I am the man that wants to sleep with your girlfriend, ha ha ha!

Are you angry yet?

Angry? I'm a bit puzzled.

Oh yes,

We'll see about that.

I'm far, far more intelligent than you,

some may even say better looking.

Hold on! That is just hurtful.

Sorry love. ..You must admit that I am far cleverer than you,

and that is what Donna really wants. Or is it?

No is not, it's bloody not,

she wants sex and my stupidity goes hand in hand with sex.

I'll do anything and will do it for hours.

And can you do it now?

Look - yes I can!

It worked, my plan worked!

I guess it did.

I took a leap of faith there, Gaz,

that could have put you off me for life.

But no, ha ha, I am sex itself.

I cured you and we didn't even need Dr Ruth or Raj Persaud,

or freeze frames of body wash commercials.

You're a genius Donna, the mask was a godsend. You're a proper genius.

Oh, yeah!

Are you ready?

To face your public? Yeah.

Yes, of course.

I can't wait to get recognised.

"Spotted, Janet Smith, walking on hill.

"Spotted, Janet Smith, shopping for peas."

Come on then, I want to see what sponsorship deals we can get.

Janet and Jonny, faces of sports.

Where are they?

I don't know. They said they'd be here.

0h no, now I'm not going to get to record that cover song.

RAPS IN R&B STYLE

Shall we give them 10 more minutes?

No, it's over for me. I'm waning. Let's go home.

You can still do your standing up for me, if you like.

Fame was never that great, anyway.

Not even when that girl offered me a blow-job.

That was me.

What shall we get you for your tea?

Can we have egg butties?

Yes.

Yes. What's for afters?

Some sugar in sandwiches.

And can we play Rummikub and get bladdered on cider?

Yes. Oh, the simple life!

Here in Runcorn, the crowd is awaiting the arrival

of the unexplainable hero, local fool, Jonny Keogh.

Join us again later, when we'll bring you highlights

of this unfathomable little man and this unfathomable little town.

Gordon Burns, North West Tonight, Runcorn.

Munch, do you believe in ghosts?

They're out there, Janet. I can't leave the house.

Why can't you just leave me alone?

Police sniper!

What are you doing? Ah!

No-o-o-o!

I want to live with you, I want to be with you,

I just can't live my life scared.