Original subtitles

♪♪

♪♪

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♪♪

♪♪

[ up-beat music plays ] here we go!

Here we go! Here we go!

♪♪

[ record scratch ] hey, what the [bleep] now?

Get back there, get back there. Get back there.

Band: 5, 6, 7, go!

♪♪

Come on, come on!

I'm the new nigga in this mother[bleep]

King kong ain't got shit on me!

What's good, my goon? Let's get it!

Let's get it, let's get it, let's get it!

[ cheers and applause ] let's go! Let's go!

Okay.

Hey, reese. Anybody ever tell you

You look like barbra streisand

[bleep] a klingon.

That's [bleep] up.

You look like [bleep] medusa drowned.

[ laughter ] a'ight.

Quick impression of reese witherspoon.

[ farts ] that's what you sound like.

That's how you sound like to me, also.

You sound like a post-chipotle fart to me.

Damn.

And you basically look

Like mother[bleep] --

You look like the cowardly lion from "the wiz."

Nah, you look like, oh...

You know who you look like?

You look like a cracked-out...

Uh, what's -- what's --

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, buddy. No tow trucks here. What's that?

See that sign? No tow trucks.

I gotta tow you, brother.

I gotta get my stuff.

My bag's in there.

Yo, where you going, mad max?

Well, I gotta get my stuff.

I don't need excuses. I need you to read the sign.

Well, I read the sign.

Tell me what it says.

It says no tow trucks. Well, there you go.

Listen, buddy, it's yom kippur.

By sundown, I gotta be at home eating with my wife.

Eh...

I get all the high holidays off.

Well, it is what it is. You know, I'll just...

How about this?

We will take your truck off the tow right now

If I can watch you kiss your wife.

Huh?

I don't have to touch anybody.

I'll be 12 feet away.

I have a girlfriend.

I can send an uber right now, pick up your girlfriend,

I watch you guys kiss,

And what I do is my business.

Let me call her real quick. Hold on.

[ dialing tones ] call her up.

Hello? Woman: Hi.

Uh, hey, babe. Sorry to call right now,

But there's some weird stuff going on over here.

This guy's trying to make a deal with me

That they will take the truck off the other truck

If you are willing to come over here and kiss.

What?

That's -- that's --

That's the deal he's making.

They want -- they want me to come over there...

Yes. He says he just wants to see my girlfriend kiss.

He'll send an uber over.

I'll drive.

[ fanfare plays ] you'll drive?

Send me the address.

I'm coming down, so what is it?

Eric: We're gonna have fun tonight, baby!

Ladies and gentlemen, chanel west coast!

♪♪

Hello! What's up, sunshine?

How you doing, my little biscuit?

Have a seat. What's up, chicken mama?

You a big ol' chicken mama.

[ laughs ] [bleep] I love that bitch.

Your birth name is chelsea greenberg leventhal,

And you changed it so you would seem less jewish.

No, my real name is chelsea chanel dudley.

And then your grandfather was bugle boy alaska.

No. So, you're a trust fund kid,

And you just basically inherited all your money

And chanel west coasted your way through life?

No, I had a single mom.

Ooh! Yummy!

You want some?

Can you identify this body?

Oh, lord.

Um... I cannot identify the body. You know him?

You know him? I don't know him.

I-is he dead?

I ain't dead yet, mother[bleep] chanel: Oh, my god.

What?

[ cheers and applause ] shit.

Look at him. That's my son! Oh!

Doing good, son. Doing good.

Look at him! Watch this.

It's no nips November.

Wait. What the [bleep]

I have no nipples.

That has to be just makeup.

No, I have no nipples. What?

I've never shown you this?

Why do you not have nipples? It's a genetic thing.

Incredible. [ chuckles ] [ applause ]

That's reese witherspoon.

Wait, what? I am reese witherspoon.

That's who exactly I am. [ applause ]

Man: [ muffled ] can you hear me?

Hey, can you get me out of here, please?

Let me out of here, please!

I've been in here! I'm stuck!

[ sobbing ] can you hear me?

Shut the [bleep] up.

[ laughing ] wha-- man: Oh, please.

[ gunshots ] oh!

How you doing? Hey. How you doing?

Can you help me just rake some of these leaves?

I'm just trying to build a pile here.

My partner dropped out on me.

It's rosh hashanah, so he took the day off. Right.

Be careful, them [bleep] got thorns on 'em.

Hey, could you do me a favor?

'cause I can't reach it. See that?

Yeah, yeah. Grab that and push it.

Right now. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it!

Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it!

Turn it! Which way?

Turn it the other way!

Turn it the other way! Turn it the other way!

Oh, shit!

God damn, man!

Why did my partner take off for rosh hashanah?!

Man, come help me, mother[bleep]

Turn it the other way. God damn. Let me go get help.

No, no, no, no! Aah!

I don't know how to turn it off. Oh, shit!

Help me!

God damn!

Greenberg valley chippers -- quality since 1973.

This guy was a writer on "30 rock."

Donald glover.

God, you look [bleep] handsome.

You get over here, you son of a bitch.

Donald "jp morgan" glover.

Now, you grew up in atlanta,

Or that's just a bit for the show?

I grew up there.

Or you're from glendale?

No, I grew up... I grew up in atlanta.

Prove it.

I... How?

[ spits ] what's the last nice thing you did for your mother?

I hung out with her...

Can you not gender your parents, either?

I mean, be a little more progressive.

I'm so progressive,

I don't even know which one of my parents is my father

And which one is the white one.

Are men white and women are black?

I don't think that's how it works.

Oh! Shit! Damn.

I didn't know you like to get wet, player.

I don't...

Man, you really got me.

Hey, I just scratched my butthole.

Is that what smells like that?

Yeah, I shit on my hands.

You know what I mean?

I know... Baby boy!

I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna do that.

You know what I mean?

Oh, people know you from the time

That you shat in a toilet in a home depot display.

It wasn't me. It was someone else.

So, you were just watching another man defecate?

It was a kid. We weren't men.

You were watching a child defecate.

I was also a kid, so it was okay.

You were also filming it? No.

So, you were just staring.

You were locking eyes with this young boy.

I'm gonna say 7-year-old boy.

But I was a kid when it happened.

17, 18?

No. Like 10 years old. Okay.

So it wasn't like a d.C. Sniper kind of relationship.

No. That would be bad.

Free the d.C. Sniper. Right?

[ cheers and applause ] no, I don't wanna do that.

Come on, man, stay black. Stay black.

I really don't want to be a part of it.

At least say "free r. Kelly" to camera.

I'm not doing that.

Free my man putin. Free putin.

He's not in jail. Free putin.

Well, when he goes to jail, free him.

Why is the black power sign for putin?

Putin's black. Putin's black.

He's not black.

Me, I support black people.

You? I don't know.

Yeah. Okay.

Now, your father is danny glover,

And your mother is donald rumsfeld.

What's it like being a hollywood insider

And a washington insider?

No. Like, I mean, my dad is -- was donald glover.

Hoo-hoo!

You want some breast milk?

No, I'm okay.

You sure? It's organic.

Mmm. [ slurps ]

-Makes my mouth water. -Mmmmm.

-Ugh. -[ slurps ]

Ugh. Ooh, gosh.

-That's yummy. -Hey, hey.

They're just gonna touch you up. Hey, boss.

Gonna touch you up today. Come on, pop.

I don't really... Let me put a little makeup on you.

I'm -- I don't -- I'm, like...

I got you. Oh, okay.

I got you. You're okay.

Now, we just gonna touch you up a little bit right here.

How come you all sweaty? What you pullin'?

Ain't you one of those milli-menials or whatever?

[ scoffs ] what?

You got any blow?

No, I don't have any blow.

Check your pockets a minute. I definitely don't.

♪ hey, hey I've got this song in my head.

I gotta get this shit.

We don't believe in covid on this set.

No one's tested.

[ coughing ] she looks great.

-See you all later, huh? -Alright.

I'll be out of here. [ applause ]

♪ get some blow today, hey, hey, what do you say? ♪

♪ I'm gonna get some blow today ♪

♪♪

What up, y'all? Lil' lep in the building, y'all!

Yes, sir, he's gonna grant you 69 wishes.

You guys match, kind of.

Y'all try to hit this shit.

We're still good. Bro, this is a four-leaf clover.

No, I'm -- I'm good, man.

You a bitch, though. You ain't tryin' to hit.

Hey, come on, man.

I just don't smoke as much as I used to.

Are you trying to get me high?

I ain't no fairy tale, you know.

That's very clear. You're very real.

Man, y'all pussies, man!

Oh, my favorite rapper's here. What up, buddy? ♪ I'm a mad man

♪ never had green eggs and ham, damn ♪

Nobody gonna get my gold!

He's got gold? I'll get you one of these days, lil' lep.

-You'll never catch me! -Yo, shit.

Just a pussy.

Forget y'all, then! Alright.

-Aah! -I'll be out.