Original subtitles

Aaaaaah!

♪♪

♪♪

Woman: Eric, do you remember me?

-Hello! -Hello!

♪♪

♪♪

Oh! Ah!

I'm the real eric.

You gotta believe me!

What? No. I am! He's an imposter.

♪♪

Ooh!

Uh, not to get political,

But I'm tired of the patriarchy.

Man: Hike!

The new England patriarchy, that is.

[ laughs ] I'm just kidding.

I love all football teams equally.

Why can't every game end in a tie, right?

And what does "cte" even stand for?

Cool teams everywhere? Huh?

Aah!

The [bleep] you guys doing?!

Oof. That was my gatorade, man.

I was saving that for us, like a treat.

Football -- watch it every day on tv.

What?

[ laser shooting ] I'm from google.

♪♪

How's it going? I'm from google interior.

Oh, I see.

Do you accept cookies?

All right.

Oh! Son of a gun.

Hey, you got a screw loose? What's going on?

Open your mouth.

Scanning your body. All right.

Processing.

Your nude image is now uploaded all over the world.

Google it bing, only on quibi.

♪♪

May I de-vaccinate you?

No, no, you may not.

If you fuck with me with that needle,

I guarantee I'll whack you with that thing.

You'll never get up. I guarantee it.

Give it a try.

Ladies and gentlemen, tinashe!

Hey! [ gun clicks ]

What's up, baby?

Sti-rike!

That's pretty good.

Tinashe guevara, you are a revolutionary in music.

How does it feel being the number-one artist in the planet?

Whose head are you taking off next,

And what [bleep] wall are you gonna mount it on, sister?

I don't know.

My nemesis would probably be the major label system.

The craziest thing that I've done

Is just release these albums without their support.

Ooh!

Who do you have beef with?

Chris brown. Really?

Yeah, one time he said I looked like a hobbit.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Aah! [ screams ] oh, yeah.

[ laughs ] what was that?

Tinashe, you are a weird cat.

There's a bunch under your chair. Oh!

Do you think your parents are still, um,

Making love?

Um... [ clears throat ]

When's the last time your dad 69ed your mom?

What's going on?

Oh, shit. Oh, watch it!

[ laughing ] oh, my god.

[bleep] was that about?

Are you okay?

I love your music! We love you so! We love you so!

We love your music! Thank you.

Yeah!

Tell me about your performance on "rent."

That was really fun. That was sick.

I like your outfit. All brown.

Looking like a little blunt.

Yeah, exactly.

What you getting into lately, huh?

You know, making new music.

You talking about --

Aah!

On this week's episode of...

-Hey. How you doing? -You have perriers?

Yeah, yeah. Right there.

Oh. Ooh. Uh.

[ deepening voice ] hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

That'll be 3 bucks.

Uh-huh.

Oh! What do we got going on?

Oh, wow!

Don't tell anyone, okay? Oh, no! Wow.

I could get in a lot of trouble.

Nah, I don't have nothing to do with that.

Sorry. Uh, w-we're just friends.

Hey!

Got reports of criminal activity at this store.

You see any crimes being committed?

[ whispering ] don't tell him. You can't tell him.

No, I didn't see anything.

Did you see anybody sucking dick?

Yeah. Well, here. [ cash register dings ]

Keep your mouth shut.

Yo! What the hell is this?

You got a loose dollar?

Yeah. What is this stuff, though?

He probably was playing with it,

Putting it in pussy holes.

You want, um, loose gatorade?

This is homemade gatorade.

No, no, thank you.

Do you want to have some fun with this?

No, thank you, man. I -- put that thing away.

Okay. Damn, man.

You got my hand all shaking and stuff like this.

This store sucks.

This store sucks! You know what?

I got good news. You're on "grocery goofs"!

Oh, wow. What is going on here? Oh, my goodness.

Man: How do you feel about being on the new "grocery goofs"?

Oh, they got me. Grossy goose.

Ladies and gentlemen, championship fighter

Chuck liddell!

Oh! Hey!

Yo!

[ bones cracking ] yeah!

You got a grip like a friggin' coconut crab.

Holy shit.

Now, you're from santa barbara?

Born and raised, yep. Not to get too political,

But I heard you used to get a lot of that santa barbara bush.

Man: Yeah! [ laughs ]

I did okay in my day.

Hey, it's sam jay.

My friend sam.

Hey, sam, this is chuck.

How you doing?

Hey, yo, how many fights have you lost in court?

-In court? -Yeah.

I don't know if I lost any. Um...

Man: Yeah! Never break it down before.

Right.

Eric: In your ufc days,

They said you were a devastating striker.

Yeah.

What is going on? No, don't tell him to keep rolling.

What are you doing? Why are you so close to him?

Cameraman: It's a close-up.

Yeah, no, I know it's a close-up,

But we -- you can just zoom from back there.

Why would you run up here?

-Get up. -What the fuck is going on?

-Come on. -We got the close-up.

You sweatin'. Get up. Get up!

-Yo! -Just let me catch my breath.

-Come on, now. -Get out of the shot!

-Get up! -You're blocking the others.

And you're boning my shot. Get the fuck --

They told me to come and boom the shot.

Well, they were wrong.

-Y'all gotta tell him about it. -They were wrong.

Y'all gotta tell him. He said move now.

I'm very sorry for the interruption.

Uh...

And thank you.

Aaaaah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Aaaahhhhhhhh!

If I was in the ring, I'd be like...

-Phew! -Yeah!

You vaccinated? Um...

Look, I respect people's opinions --

Let's vaccinate chuck, y'all!

Are you ready to get vaccinated?

No, I'm not. No one's giving me a shot right now.

Oh, no! It won't hurt, I promise.

Oh, yeah, I -- I don't need it. So we're good.

-It'll be real quick. -Real quick.

-Not gonna happen. -In and out.

Not gonna happen.

-We got moderna. -Not gonna happen.

We got the one from russia

That doesn't work that well, too.

No, thank you.

Okay. You change your mind...

I'll let you know. ...I'll be right here.

Okay. Not gonna happen.

♪♪

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

No, dude.

I tried to bungee off the building, bungee jump.

Call the ambulance, man!

I don't have health insurance. I don't wanna --

Doesn't matter! Doesn't matter!

Your bone show!

Eric: Yeah, I know the bone show.

-No. I don't trust the doctors. -Then go!

I thought this was a sprite building.

-You want to kill yourself? -No!

Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.

You can help me if you give me a sprite, maybe.

-My arm! -Oh, god, it hurts.

Get off the leg. Get off the leg.

Ooh, that hurts.

Get off the leg! You have a compound fracture.

-Does it look bad? -Very bad.

I gotta get back up to the building.

-No, no, no. -Okay.

-Oh! -There you go, there you go.

Stay. Don't move.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I don't even smoke. I-I like sprite.

Sprite!

This was the diorama of the stunt I was trying to do.

-You all right, man? -You need help?

-You know what it is? -Sit down, please.

It's my leg that's killing me.

I was going off the adrenaline.

Oh! For pete's sake.

Do not move that leg at all.

Yeah. Ohhhhh, god!

Aaaaaah! Ooh!

Sprite!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Wocka "ayahuasca" flocka flame!

♪♪

'bout to [bleep] cry.

Flocka!

♪♪

Ah, [bleep]

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