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1
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,140
Aaaaaah!
2
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:11,744
Aaaaahhhhhh!
3
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:20,218
♪♪
4
00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:23,555
♪♪
5
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:32,897
[ whispering ] it's okay.
6
00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:34,232
Daddy just has to work.
7
00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:36,568
♪♪
8
00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:48,580
♪♪
9
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,790
♪♪
10
00:00:57,792 --> 00:00:59,257
♪ super-dope,
fresh with the lingo ♪
11
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:07,732
♪♪
12
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:12,136
♪♪
13
00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:14,272
So, vladimir putin --
you hear about this guy?
14
00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:16,541
More like vladimir "poopin'."
15
00:01:16,543 --> 00:01:19,077
He went into chipotle,
and he played his own game
16
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,745
Of russian roulette.
You know what I mean?
17
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:23,482
He made russian dressing.
18
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:26,885
I mean, his asshole was raw
after that burrito bowl.
19
00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:30,222
He rushed into -- what did
he rush into? Crimea?
20
00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:31,623
Yeah, "crimea" river.
[cry me a]
21
00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:33,358
Am I right, putin?
22
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,494
Anyway, I think he's doing
a heck of a job.
23
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:37,362
And guess what.
He's still my president.
24
00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:43,836
It's time to go to school.
25
00:01:43,838 --> 00:01:45,237
[ distorted voice ]
♪ oh, yeah ♪
26
00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:47,972
All right. So let's fill
all those in and see how you do.
27
00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:49,641
Those are questions about me.
28
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:51,043
[ up-tempo music plays ]
paper...
29
00:01:51,045 --> 00:01:53,178
Hey, teach, what's up?
What's up?
30
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:56,448
[ whispering ] sorry. It was
taco Tuesday in the cafeteria.
31
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,250
What'd I miss?
Can I copy off of you?
32
00:01:58,252 --> 00:01:59,784
If you're finished,
raise your hand.
33
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,119
Okay.
We've got one that's finished.
34
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,787
Hey, you want
to play basketball later?
35
00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,256
And then you say
the language.
36
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:06,658
You want to play basketball
later?
37
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,126
Later. Later.
We're on number four now.
38
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,728
"for the average person..."
39
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,997
A-plus!
40
00:02:12,999 --> 00:02:14,666
Hi.
Oh, that's my pizza.
41
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:15,934
Perfect.
Thank you, brother.
42
00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:18,136
Oh, shit.
43
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,272
Want some pizza
to calm your nerves?
44
00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:21,874
You want a cigarette?
45
00:02:21,876 --> 00:02:22,808
Cigarette?
Teacher: Yes, ma'am.
46
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:27,812
♪♪
47
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:30,415
We have iaps.
That's where you go to school.
48
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:32,217
Ooh! Ooh!
[ grunting ]
49
00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:33,218
♪♪
50
00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:34,152
All right.
51
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:37,022
Sick! Oh, shit.
52
00:02:39,226 --> 00:02:40,358
I'm a new character.
53
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,427
...The answer,
raise your hand.
54
00:02:42,429 --> 00:02:43,495
Fierce!
55
00:02:45,031 --> 00:02:46,899
[ ringtone playing ]
oh, I've got
to take this, guys.
56
00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:49,968
[ door closes ]
guys, now we can do
a senior prank on her.
57
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:51,703
All the test papers are here.
58
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:53,838
If I burn them,
we'll all get a's.
59
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:57,041
We're all gonna get a's
if she loses the test, dude.
60
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,448
Lorena, where are you going?
61
00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:04,849
[bleep] you.
62
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:06,318
Lorena.
63
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,452
[ echoing ] lorena.
64
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,454
Shit.
65
00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:11,856
♪ every day that you're gone ♪
66
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:17,262
♪ I can't carry on without you ♪
67
00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:21,199
I found my kids
on instagram and facebook.
68
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,402
That's how you found
your kids?
Mm-hmm.
69
00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:26,138
Ladies and gentlemen,
the white idris elba,
70
00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:27,539
Jon hamm.
71
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:32,344
Wow! What a handsome,
handsome man.
72
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:33,612
Come here. Come on.
73
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:36,415
Ohh!
Oh, my god!
74
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,018
[ distorted voice ]
the hamm man.
75
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,554
[ normal voice ]
jean-claude van hamm.
Hamm!
76
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,557
Sit down, you guy-smiley-
looking [bleep].
Thank you.
77
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,160
You could play woody
from "toy story" on broadway.
78
00:03:48,162 --> 00:03:49,828
Do you get that a lot?
I would like to.
I would like to.
79
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,297
Jon! Jon!
80
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:55,167
Hey.
Hey.
81
00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,901
You don't remember me?
82
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,237
It's me -- malik!
83
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,973
Malik!
84
00:04:00,975 --> 00:04:02,374
Hmm?
85
00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:05,577
We went to school together.
Come on, jon.
86
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,245
Yeah, mr. Hollywood!
87
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,847
Do you know him?
88
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,849
Uh, no.
[ applause ]
89
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,917
And you're married
to ellie kemper or something?
90
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,186
Nope.
91
00:04:14,188 --> 00:04:16,388
Now, you were in
"baby driver."
92
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:17,990
I was.
With kevin spacey.
93
00:04:17,992 --> 00:04:19,124
Yes.
94
00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,725
What was it like
to blow the whistle
95
00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:22,527
On that scenery-chewing
[bleep]?
96
00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:24,596
Wow!
[ laughs ]
97
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:27,199
Was he elbow-deep
in teenage boys
98
00:04:27,201 --> 00:04:29,468
The whole time you guys
were turning around cameras?
99
00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:30,735
I have to --
100
00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:32,871
I did not witness any...
Impropriety.
101
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,407
We heard that you witnessed
a lot of it.
I...
102
00:04:35,409 --> 00:04:36,541
And you encouraged it.
103
00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:38,477
I also did not do that,
at all.
104
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:40,945
Oh, well, the jury's out.
The jury's out.
105
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:42,681
Nah, jury's in.
The jury's out.
106
00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:44,149
I mean,
the jury came back.
107
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,884
Here's the thing --
jury is out, jon.
108
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,152
The jury came back --
hey, what happens
on "baby driver"
109
00:04:48,154 --> 00:04:49,754
Together:
...Stays on "baby driver."
110
00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:51,490
I mean...
You want to see a trick?
111
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:52,957
I'd love to.
All right,
check this out.
112
00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:59,231
Whoa!
113
00:04:59,233 --> 00:05:02,167
Watch this, my man.
Oh, okay.
114
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:07,506
Aaaaah!
115
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,974
Oh, god! Oh, god!
116
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,744
[ screaming ]
stop! Stop it!
117
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:13,645
Oh!
118
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,517
Magic sucks.
119
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:29,994
...Now and at the hour
of our death.
120
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,263
Amen.
121
00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:34,332
Good evening.
Good evening.
122
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,801
Do you have any sins
you'd like to confess today?
123
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:41,273
I have not spoken to my mother
since the beginning of the year.
124
00:05:41,275 --> 00:05:43,275
I have a confession
of my own.
125
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:50,148
Oh, my.
126
00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,817
Pleased to meet ya.
127
00:05:52,819 --> 00:05:54,520
This wiener is kosher.
128
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,289
Okay.
129
00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:59,357
Ladies and gentlemen,
you know her from black,
130
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,625
You know her from china --
131
00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:03,161
Blac chyna!
132
00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:05,698
Blac chyna, everybody.
Come on.
I'm here.
133
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,567
Blac chyna!
134
00:06:09,636 --> 00:06:11,636
You smell good.
You smell like baked cupcakes.
135
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:12,637
Ooh, thanks. Hi.
136
00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,773
You look like cleopatra.
Thank you.
137
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,441
From egypt.
Queen of the nile.
138
00:06:16,443 --> 00:06:18,243
I literally just
cut my hair off.
139
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,112
Blac chyna, you are
the mao zedong
140
00:06:20,114 --> 00:06:21,446
Of reality television.
141
00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:22,314
Thanks.
142
00:06:22,316 --> 00:06:23,982
So, where did you get
your start?
143
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,751
Let's see...Um...
144
00:06:28,122 --> 00:06:31,390
Started out in 2008.
I moved to miami.
145
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:40,865
And, um...
146
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:46,939
[ laughing ]
you are crazy.
147
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,476
She's a funny lady.
148
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,144
Ahh!
149
00:06:52,146 --> 00:06:56,615
Hey, can you believe
they're selling this to kids?
150
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,083
Really?
Isn't that [bleep] crazy?
151
00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,285
No, it's --
that's absurd.
It's absurd.
152
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:03,288
Why would they sell
this to kids?
153
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:04,556
Hey.
154
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,225
[ audience oohs ]
oh...
155
00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:08,560
It's too much sugar.
156
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,562
They want to give this
to our children?
157
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:11,764
Before bedtime?
158
00:07:11,766 --> 00:07:13,231
Nah, they can't
be doing that.
159
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:16,034
Were you born black or did you
come up with the stage name
160
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,502
And get a ton of surgery?
161
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:18,771
I came up with it.
[ bell dings ]
162
00:07:18,773 --> 00:07:20,104
Oh, I got
more questions.
163
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,573
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
164
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,176
Okay.
165
00:07:24,178 --> 00:07:25,177
Okay.
166
00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:26,645
Is there a vaccine
for you?
167
00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:28,647
'cause you infected
my heart.
168
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,382
[ audience awws ]
aww.
169
00:07:30,384 --> 00:07:34,052
Ooh, why would you want
to be vaccinated from all this?
170
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:35,520
I didn't even get
pfizer or moderna.
171
00:07:35,522 --> 00:07:37,255
I didn't -- I don't even
want to get vaccinated
172
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:38,323
For coronavirus.
173
00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:40,592
I mean, you don't have to.
Just be safe.
174
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,394
Any needle
that's going in me
175
00:07:42,396 --> 00:07:44,663
Better have heroin in it,
fauci.
176
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:46,799
Mm.
177
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,882
I'm just messing
with you.
178
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,350
I was like, okay.
179
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:06,685
[ screams ]
shit!
180
00:08:13,227 --> 00:08:14,693
Oh, look,
we have another one.
181
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,294
Hey.
182
00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:18,697
Um...
[ farts ]
183
00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:23,435
[deep voice] why would people
get the wrong impression of you?
184
00:08:23,437 --> 00:08:25,303
I feel like a lot of people
just don't know me,
185
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:27,906
So they just have
their, like, own perception.
186
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:30,775
They're just projecting
their own insecurities on you.
187
00:08:30,777 --> 00:08:32,511
They're using you
as a proxy,
188
00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:36,581
As an avatar for their own
psychological issues.
189
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:37,850
Exactly.
190
00:08:37,852 --> 00:08:39,251
[normal voice]
maybe it's them
191
00:08:39,253 --> 00:08:42,587
Who need to hold
thy mirror to thyself.
192
00:08:42,589 --> 00:08:43,988
Take a picture,
193
00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:47,059
'cause the picture
is worth a thousand words,
194
00:08:47,061 --> 00:08:50,462
And words are more meaningful
than pictures.
195
00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:53,465
And blood is thicker
than water,
196
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:56,201
And water is beautiful,
197
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:59,337
And beauty
is only skin deep.
Skin deep.
198
00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:02,207
And jesus walked
upon water.
Water.
199
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,076
And he turned water
into wine.
200
00:09:04,078 --> 00:09:07,212
And he turned applesauce
into weed.
Into weed.
201
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,547
[ applause ]
wow.
202
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:11,216
Chyna, you can't even name
a single chinese city.
203
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:17,756
One?
Not one.
204
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,023
Nope.
[ applause ]
205
00:09:19,025 --> 00:09:20,959
[ clears throat ] you were
saying something about --
206
00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:27,432
When it comes to selling homes,
207
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:29,234
I'm a little unorthodox.
208
00:09:31,706 --> 00:09:33,739
Hey, how you doing?
Bruce ellington.
209
00:09:37,511 --> 00:09:39,043
Exciting house.
210
00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:42,380
Real hardwood floors.
Great sunlight.
211
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,786
Huh! That is weird.
[ chuckles ]
212
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:50,122
So, what are you...
213
00:09:50,124 --> 00:09:52,157
Um, what's that?
214
00:09:54,395 --> 00:09:57,663
That is a leak, and I will
have that fixed right away.
215
00:09:59,734 --> 00:10:00,933
It does look like blood.
216
00:10:00,935 --> 00:10:03,268
Well, that's the master bedroom.
Check that out.
217
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:12,277
♪♪
218
00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:19,685
What's going on?
219
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,555
There's a man
on a bed
220
00:10:23,557 --> 00:10:25,490
On all fours, that
doesn't have any clothes on.
221
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:28,160
Do you want to put a bid
in the house or...?
222
00:10:28,162 --> 00:10:29,161
Who, me?
223
00:10:29,163 --> 00:10:34,633
♪♪
224
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:36,335
Blac chyna!
225
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:40,105
I like that michael jackson
had a team of doctors
226
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,507
Take him to the edge
of death every night.
227
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:45,377
[as jackson] hoo-hoo!
Gimme some propofol, y'all.
228
00:10:45,379 --> 00:10:48,046
I want to knock on
the grim reaper's door.
229
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:49,648
Hoo-hoo!
230
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:50,783
[normal voice]
speaking of which,
231
00:10:50,785 --> 00:10:52,785
Do you mind if I rim
the grim reaper?
232
00:10:52,787 --> 00:10:54,853
What do you mean, rim?
233
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:56,721
Give him a rim job.
234
00:10:56,723 --> 00:10:57,856
♪ rim the reaper ♪
235
00:10:57,858 --> 00:11:00,392
Every lick adds a year
to my life.
236
00:11:00,394 --> 00:11:01,726
♪ rim the reaper ♪
237
00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:03,528
[ retching, slurping ]
238
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,464
♪ rim the reaper ♪
239
00:11:05,466 --> 00:11:06,598
[ farts ]
ugh!
240
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:07,800
♪ rim the reaper ♪
241
00:11:09,736 --> 00:11:10,869
Oh, my.
15269
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