Original subtitles

♪♪

Aah! Aah!

♪♪

Aah! Aah!

[ clang ] ohh!

Ow! Ohh!

[ sizzling ] aaaaah!

Who put that there, man?

Ohh!

♪ gimme the mic, I'm gonna fight ya ♪

♪ gonna fight ya, gonna fight ya ♪

♪ gimme the mic, I'm gonna fight ya ♪

♪ gonna fight ya, gonna fight ya, fight ya ♪

[ applause ] check this out.

There's no such thing as coincidence.

You didn't stumble upon this show by accident.

Ah, ah, ahhh!

Life... [inhales deeply]

...Is an illusion.

Hey, man. Drink that candle.

The beginning...

A conclusion.

[ slurps ] argh!

Man: Yeah!

Welcome to sexy season six.

[bleep] you.

I regret giving birth to you.

[southern accent] howdy, y'all. I'm a goober driver.

Do you mind sitting in the back?

How you doing? Pretty good.

Now, you need a charger? Uh...

A charger? Yeah.

Hey, buster brown. Check out my booger collection.

I have a little bit of sugar in a bag,

Got some corn syrup...

Drink this stuff straight up.

Why?

[ gulps ] mm. I'm from america.

Oh, shit, my cajun dispatcher's calling me.

[ tires squealing ] whoo-whee!

[ laughs ] I told you I could do it!

Oh, dang, I dropped all my skittles.

Hey, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Is you doin' that or is it me?

-Stop! -Stop!

Goober! [ radio beeps ]

Wait, wait, wait. No, no.

That's not safe. That's not safe.

Stop! Put on your brake!

I want to go in the back with you.

No, just -- stop!

No! Stop!

♪ goober driver, dang dun' do ♪

♪♪

Oh, oh, oh!

Our next guest started in porn.

Mia khalifa!

Get yo' black ass out here, girl!

Mia, mia, pumpkin eatah.

Had a wife, but couldn't khalifa.

Mia, thank you for being here.

Want some lotion?

Mm, you first.

You gotta moisturize your insides.

[ gasps ] no!

[ gulps ]

Oh, it's rough.

[ sniffs ] oh!

Well, you're a professional.

You're a staunch anti-masker.

No, I'm not.

That's what it said in my notes.

That's not true.

It said it online. No.

Do not spread malicious rumors like that.

I'm not an anti-masker. It says right here in my notes

That you're anti-mask. I'm triple vaxxed.

I saw one of those sex ed videos you did.

[ audience awws ] sure, I learned a ton,

But what high school is buying those?

Oh. Ohh.

You were a muslim woman in a porno.

And then isis threatened to charlie hebdo you.

[ laughs ] yeah.

And then you tweeted back at isis,

"you can take this hijab and shove it."

I did not! [ laughing ] how did you come up with that?

I did not!

[bleep] you're gonna get me killed!

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Hey! Help me!

Excuse me. Can you help me? Come on over! Need a hand?

I'm short-staffed, and I've got to get him to the van.

I just need you to help me out with him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[ horns honking ] uh! Ooh!

Grab that!

Grab -- hold his hand. Why?

I'm sorry, man. It's my first day as an ems.

Hold this upright.

Oh, jesus. His taurine levels are low.

-Taurine him. -His what?

No, you shouldn't even do that.

Aah!

Putting monster in this thing.

[ blows landing ] right in the balls, dude.

Can you help me? I-I can't.

I'm not trained for that. Can you [bleep] help me?

Or are you just gonna stand there?

Look, I'm telling you, I'm not trained for that.

Jesus. Whoa, whoa!

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. [ man groaning ]

Shit. Help me, man! Do something, man. I'm gonna call 911.

I am 911!

I just need my heart medication.

Ohh! Ohh!

Why are you taking the medication?

Well, I got to take them 'cause I'm nervous.

So, what do you want me to help you do?

Get him in here! Alright.

The guy's a mess. Help! Help! Help us!

Help us, help us!

Press on his chest. Press on his chest.

I've got to give him cpr. I just need my heart medica--

Ah, god! Making these paddles too long!

Don't you die on me! Clear!

I don't know what the [bleep] I'm doing.

Hold his hand. Hold his hand.

Say a prayer. Massage his scalp or something!

What, why do you want me to massage his head?

Lift his legs! What's going on?

Oh!

Sir, it's against the law to interfere with a medical operation.

No, we're not interfering. He's asked us for help.

Yeah, he's asking us for help.

No, I don't know these guys! They're strangers.

You asked me to help you! I did not ask you to help!

Does this guy look helped?

Look, he's drinking blood. I'm [bleep] starving!

Announcer: "I'm not trained for that!"

Only on fox.

Woman: I'm not trained for that!

Don't call him steve urkel.

He's sick of it.

Jaleel white.

What's up, wild man?

-What's up, man? -Good to see you.

-Urkel. -Huh? -Urkel.

-[as urkel] did I do that? -Yeah!

Now, jaleel shaquille o'neal white!

I heard that steve urkel's just your larry king impression?

Now, you're 420-friendly.

I'm chill, man, I don't -- I don't want any problems, man.

No, no problem. We're not cops.

Ah, you know... It's legal now.

I'm starving, man. I'm on this weird diet.

What the hell is going on, man?

[ laughing ] wild! Oh, amazing.

[ audience oohs ] mmm!

These things take time. You know what I mean?

There you go.

My man!

Tastes like ass.

-[ gulping ] -now you're starting something!

You want some turkey? I can see it now.

You got a whole turkey under there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, man, it's wild.

[ alarm beeping ] oh, shit.

Man, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Burnt! Ah, shit.

Whoa!

That turkey wasn't that color

When he opened it the first time.

Felipe: Got to buy a new timer.

The turkey was not that color.

I think it's like a slow and low at 350,

And I cranked it up to 500.

This a scary set.

And it really smell burnt up here now.

Okay?

I burned it. I'm sorry. Hey, are you okay?

[ bell tolls ]

He's dialed in.

I think -- [ clattering ]

Aw, shit.

Come on, player.

Come on, player. Come on, player.

Sorry, he's -- our boom guy. It's alright.

You're making the guests uncomfortable.

He's a little strung-out, you know, it's not his fault.

Get out of here. You're high.

My bad. [ applause ]

Now, you met bill clinton.

Chair: Don't put your leg on me, man!

Oh, man. All day!

Come on, man. We good. We good, man?

We good?

What -- what we doing, man?

What a powerful chair.

Oh. You're good.

This is a different kind of show, man.

That chair is chill.

Hey, jaleel. You look like an actor.

Ah, you know... Let me help you, touch you up.

What you wiping on me, dawg?

Some good stuff.

Here, you need a little powder too.

What you -- what you doing, dawg?

I'm powdering you up, taking that shine off.

Eric: You're a little sweaty. I'm a little sweaty?

Yeah, he's dumbing down your shine.

I don't want to be looking crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's making you look better.

I know I look crazy now. No, no, you look great.

-You're like idris elba. -You look beautiful.

-Yeah, yeah. -I'm not going out like that.

You look real pretty, though.

Eric: Yeah. You know what?

You can jerk off anything on this set to completion.

What? Like, look.

Isn't that crazy?

Every single thing on this set. Look at this one.

Oh, not that one.

Yeah. There you go. There you go.

Look at this one. Huge...

♪♪

♪♪

Don't take my customers. [ man groaning ]

[bleep] is the matter with you?

Hey, you saw nothing, okay? Here, here, here.

Here's a dollar. Here. Here's a dollar, here.

Ma'am, you saw nothing.

I still see nothing.

That's right. [ siren chirps ]

Excuse me, ma'am. Did you see this?

You alright? Just take it easy. Don't try to move too much.

[ radio beeps ] yeah, dispatcher, I got a --

I don't [bleep] around with anybody.

I'll steal this [bleep] cop's wallet.

I get mines. You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, baby.

Announcer: Only on buskerzz!

Hey, do you think scottie pippen looks like osama bin laden?

Ooh! Ooh! A little bit, if you dressed him up.

I've seen crazier things. I can imagine...

Yeah. [ applause ]

Whoa, it's penis and sir weiner williams.

Wow.

♪♪

We're ready for wimbledon.

It's penis and sir weiner williams --

No, I heard you, bro. You got it? You got it?

I heard you, bro.

I've got next.

Them niggas really didn't have no drawers on.