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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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[FILM REEL CLICKING]

[GRUNTING_]

[FARTING]

Greetings not from Tromaville.

We were trying to think long and hard

about a hellish place in which to open our little film.

A cold, empty and soulless place that only the damned call home.

Yes, it's a land whose inhabitants willingly allow

their bodies to be surgically altered

and their minds steam-cleaned of all emotion and humanity.

And what is this metropolis of the living dead?

What is this hell where all souls are sold for a car

and a good looking suit?

It's, it's, it's Hollywood.

Yes, it's Hollywood.

Home of the glamorous $150 million

movie about a jive-talking kangaroo.

Hurray for Hollywood.

Where at this very moment many, many,

many multiplexes are being built for fewer and fewer films.

But never fear.

There is always a small cadre of hardworking people

who are going to change things, who are fighting

the good fight for independent art, who are fighting

for independent cinema.

Those artists who are protecting our freedom of choice,

our freedom of art, our freedom of emotion.

People like, like, like, like-- why it's James Gunn.

[APPLAUSE]

James.

James.

James is the writer of Troma's highly subversive $350,000

movie "Tromeo and Juliet", a true, true idealist.

How's it hanging, brother?

Lloyd, It's been going great.

I've been looking all over for you.

The people at The Red Roof Inn told me you were over here.

So listen, here's the thing, I have been really, really happy

since I moved to Hollywood because I

did the niftiest, neatest, coolest thing.

I totally sold my soul to Satan.

I had to kill a young child to do it,

but it's awesome because ever since I've done it,

I've been totally rich.

I made "Scooby Doo".

I've got two more movies going into production in April.

What's one kid when it, you know, comes to all my talent

that I have to share with the world?

People say bad things about the Dark Lord,

I think he is a sweet and swell guy.

So anyway, I just got a new deal with Disney

to create a movie called "Phlegm Wallaby"

about a jive-talking, rapping wallaby made of phlegm.

[LAUGHTER]

Everyone I tell that to laughs so hard at everything I say.

In fact, when I talk, people are pretty much

laughing all the time, ever since I sold my soul to Satan.

And anyway, praise Satan, I would like

to fulfill my dream project.

And tell us about your dream project, James.

It's called "Et tu, America".

It's a story about Irish immigrants coming

into the United States in the early 1900s

and having to face the harsh realities

of our great, great nation.

They also happen to be jive talking.

It stars Meryl Streep and Sean Penn.

And I found out something really-- is that Prada?

I think I wore the same thing to the Oscars

last year, only in red.

Oh, by the way, this is my assistant Elizabeth.

I mean, I call her my assistant.

Really she's just a girl I have sex with

and I pass her around from friend to friend.

Sucks a mean cock.

She's a sweetheart.

You made the short list, Lloyd.

LLOYD: What?

The short list of directors.

What she's telling you is that they want you,

and I want you, to direct the $200 million

universal epic film "Et tu, America".

Lloyd, what do you say?

I am not Lloyd.

I am the Crap Keeper.

You can have the titles read however you want,

directed by the Crap Keeper.

That's perfectly fine.

So Crap Keeper, would you like to direct this movie?

Make my day.

All you have to do is kill a little kid.

It's great.

Will you do it?

We at Troma abide by the words of Shakespeare,

"To thine own self be true."

Whether it's 200 million, 400 million,

a billion, a kazillion, it doesn't matter.

We do things that are of great significance

to the heart and the soul.

Idealism is what we're about.

And now we are going to present something far more important

than Meryl Streep or Sean Penn.

We're going to present--

[GRUNTING]

[FARTING]

Tales from the Crapper.

Hey, James--

You know, I didn't want you anyway.

Meryl wanted you, I didn't.

I wanted Chris Columbus.

He'd do a much better job.

You suck as a director.

Everybody thinks so.

Well, why don't we watch our first mind-bending story.

[CRACKING] -Ow.

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

What the hell's wrong with you?

God damn it.

James.

NARRATOR: Warning.

The following film contains scenes that do not feature

gratuitous sex and or nudity.

For your viewing pleasure, the aforementioned scenes

to have been altered for the nudity impaired.

Please enjoy "Tales from the Crapper"

now in glorious Boner Vision.

Brought to you by the fine folks at the MPAAA,

The Masturbating Perverts Amalgamated

Association of America.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

JOSEPH (VOICEOVER): Do you want to know about

the night that changed my life?

[UFO WHIRRING]

JOSEPH (VOICEOVER): My name is Joseph Deluca III.

That's me, gentleman club barker by night, aspiring

Ashtanga yoga instructor by day.

It started out as a typical evening, me

on the street craving a hearty bowl of guacamole,

but something caught my eye.

[UFO WHIRRING]

JOSEPH (VOICEOVER): It looked like a giant bowl of guacamole

flying in the night's sky.

At first I thought it was a hallucination brought

on by the AIDS cocktail I was taking,

but then it crash landed and I knew it was real.

I remember something my dear old da once told me.

Son, he said, if aliens should ever crash land in Los Angeles,

be sure to try some of their guacamole.

Supposedly, they have the best.

But there was a fire and I thought, oh no.

I hope the guacamole's not burnt to a crisp.

I had to investigate further.

I could smell the guacamole.

There it was, a light shining through.

Hello.

Are you all right?

If you are OK, may I trouble you for some guacamole?

[THUDDING]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

MALE VOICE ON TV: We interrupt "The Lesbian Cannibal Hoedown "

to bring you this special news bulletin.

This just in.

Spaceship lands in Los Angeles.

E-News Daily rolls out the red carpet and no one

seems to care.

You know who I like?

That Steve Kmetko.

He is hilarious.

Isn't he funny?

He's an improv wizard.

I'd say actually he's more of an improv sorcerer.

And I would go one further and call him an improv Merlin.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

SAM (VOICEOVER): This is where I come in.

That's me.

Sam Black, Private Dick.

I was hired to find out what happened to Joe

and I had a hunch that it all led to the Shimmering Beaver.

I had to be stealthy, like a fart in a thunderstorm.

[YELLING]

SAM (VOICEOVER): But that was easy for me

because subtlety was my middle name.

Fucking A, bring on the bitches.

[APPLAUSE]

SAM (VOICEOVER): As soon as she walked up on stage I knew she

was trouble with a capital P.

Yeah.

SAM (VOICEOVER): And ending with a U S S Y.

She had a pair of gams that would make you want to kneel

down and thank the good Lord that the glory hole at the YMCA

was nothing but a bitter aftertaste.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

SAM (VOICEOVER): It didn't take long for yours truly

to see this dame was all class.

Yup, she reminded me of my mother all right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SAM (VOICEOVER): This was the kind of dame that

makes men wish he was born a shiny strip club

pole instead of being little Schlomo Walansky, a rusty pole

from Warsaw.

ANNOUNCER: All right, put your hands together and get

your dollars out for Chandra.

SAM (VOICEOVER): As soon as she walked up on stage

I could tell she was trouble starting with a capital C.

Yeah.

SAM (VOICEOVER): And ending with a U N T.

This little piglet had a set of honey-glazed ham hocks

that would make even Rabbi Goldberg ram

his milk-filled matzo balls into her steamy rump of pork

and call it kosher.

Yeah.

SAM (VOICEOVER): Real kosher.

Yeah.

She was just like my donkey.

[APPLAUSE]

MALE VOICE: Yeah.

ANNOUNCER: All right guys, now on the stage is Larry.

SAM (VOICEOVER): As soon as I saw the bulge in her panties,

I could tell this bimbo was hiding more than just

weapons of mass destruction.

She had more shaft than Richard Roundtree

and Samuel L. Jackson combined.

Yup.

She reminded me of Burt Reynolds all right.

Get ready, Mr. Happy.

Get ready for take off.

Yeah.

SAM (VOICEOVER): I had my hand gripped firmly

on my pistol, the knowledge I might

have to open fire any minute.

Shoot.

I'm ready to shoot.

[YELLING]

I'm going to give you all of it, baby.

Yeah.

[SQUIRTING]

MALE VOICE: Hey, that old guy's jerking off.

[YELLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

SAM (VOICEOVER): But that wouldn't stop me from getting

to the bottom of this case.

No sirree.

Sometimes a little surveillance can be just as effective.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh baby, yeah.

SAM (VOICEOVER): Yup, nothing beats a good stakeout,

and I had my stake out and I was beating it real good, see.

I had to tenderize the meat.

[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[YELLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

[YELLING]

[THUDDING]

[APPLAUSE]

MALE VOICE: Watch the hair.

That's my chair.

MALE VOICE: Oh, your seat?

I don't see where it says asshole seat.

Beat it, bitch.

You're in my chair.

[SLURPING]

Now you got the AIDS, baby.

Oh shoo, princess.

Oh my god.

Get back here, bitch, with that bag.

Where did you get that?

I must have one.

Don't you worry, baby.

You'll get yours.

Ow.

Now my wrist is really limp.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Oh man.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SQUIRTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SQUEALING]

Oh yeah.

[MOANING]

How about some breakfast, honey?

[BURPING]

Hey.

You were in some mood this morning, huh?

I do think I need some therapy, so.

I don't know, you're fine really.

Are you sure?

I'm a little bit touched.

No, really, you're fine.

I'll tell you, whoever's responsible for these murders

is a sick bastard.

I need to be on this case with you.

I'm sick of being on the beat.

You love It.

Hey, I read your reports.

You and your partner love that street violence stuff.

Yeah, well not as much as you love working

undercover at a strip bar.

Well, maybe if you were stripping.

You'd love it anyway.

All those little titties bouncing around

and those g-strings in your face.

Don't give me any trouble.

Well, it does have its pros and cons.

Lots of peaks and valleys, if you know what I mean.

Mhm.

You know what I can't understand, though?

Is why Chief Doublestump won't put me on this case.

I think that thing in his pants is

really screwing with his brain.

What do you think that really is?

Well, honestly, I think the man has two penises.

Wow.

[MUSIC ON TV]

MALE VOICE ON TV: We interrupt "The Cannibal

Lesbian Hoedown" to bring you this special news bulletin.

Good morning.

This is Sally Smirks reporting to you live from downtown.

It is rumored that yet another strip club

murder occurred last night.

Chief Doublestump did say that he has no intentions of closing

down any part of downtown, claiming that he

has the killer in his sight.

Yeah right, taking all the credit for your hard work.

You know, I've got a hunch about this other club.

I'm going to go check it out.

You be safe, bunny.

I love you.

Bye.

Thanks.

Thank you.

BRUCE (VOICEOVER): And this is where I come in.

Bruce Cougan, professional bad ass

and All-American pussy magnet.

After a long day of whooping ass,

there's nothing I like better than straddling my hog

and going over to the Shimmering Clam

for some down and dirty poontang.

There's Chang, always asking me for the password.

I got your password right here, buddy old Chang.

Of course he lets me in.

MALE VOICE: What do you think about that killer?

Stop trying to change the subject.

It's still $50 to lick my stink hole.

Hey man, can I get a beer over here or what, man?

BRUCE (VOICEOVER): Ugh, what is up with this place?

It's dead.

Hey sweet cheeks, how about a dance over here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

BRUCE (VOICEOVER): Let's see what we got here.

Play with that pole for Brucey.

You're going to get naked, right?

Oh yeah, there we go.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, baby.

Oh, here we go.

Take it off for daddy.

OK.

That's a little bit better.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Turn it on for daddy.

Making my cock real hard.

Making it--

[FARTING]

Damn, I got to piss.

When I come back, I want the best lap dance $10

is going to get me.

RUSE (VOICEOVER): Oh, oh, jeez.

Oh god.

Oh.

Oh, oh, here it is.

Oh, oh god.

Oh, it burns.

Oh, the stones.

Oh, I should have brought my strainer.

Oh my god--

[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[YELLING]

Oh, who's that?

Oh, you brute.

You brute, stop it.

You brute.

[GROANING]

[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[GROANING]

[THUDDING]

Chief Doublestump, Chief Doublestump--

Whoa, whoa--

It's Sally Smirks with--

What are you doing here?

I heard that there was another strip club murder in this bar

last night and my public wants to know why Sergeant

Ivanna isn't on the case?

I have no comment about that, and I have no comment

about Sergeant Ivanna.

Everyone knows, Chief Doublestump, including you,

that Sergeant Ivanna is the toughest

crime fighter in this city.

If you want to keep on pushing this

we can maybe go over there and talk

about this a little in private.

You know what I'm saying?

Doublestump, why do you have to always do that everytime I

come up here to interview you?

Huh?

This is Sally Smirks with Action Six to News signing off.

[FARTING]

You need to holster your weapon there, Chief.

I don't want to hear it, Popo.

She's right, sir.

Ivanna is the toughest cop in town.

Why isn't she on the case?

You still don't get why that loose cannon

isn't part of this extremely sensitive case?

First of all, she can't arrest anybody

without breaking them down.

Maybe that's what this town needs.

Shut up, Popo.

Let me explain.

That serial rapist--

MALE VOICE: How do you like this, lady?

I'm going to give it to you good.

[SIRENS]

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

MALE VOICE: See you later, bitch.

Freeze. [YELLING]

Freeze.

MALE VOICE: You'll never catch me.

I will shoot you.

I will shoot you.

Get down right now.

MALE VOICE: I was just--

Check him for a hard-on.

Whoa.

[SHOUTING]

MALE VOICE: That's what you think.

She was raping me.

Get on the ground, on the ground now.

MALE VOICE: Wait, wait, wait.

Let me explain.

Hands behind your head.

Do you know who my father is?

Get down.

MALE VOICE: Do you know who my father is?

Get down, stay down.

Yeah, police.

MALE VOICE: She was asking for.

[INDISTINCT YELLING]

MALE VOICE: She fucking deserved it.

[ALL YELLING AT ONCE]

Don't you ever do that to a woman.

You tell him.

You're a bad man.

You don't have to leave.

You go to jail.

MALE VOICE: All right.

Forever.

Son of a bitch, I'll show you what it feels like.

[GROANING]

Enough of this.

We're going to clean up our city.

No more rapes.

Nobody gets [INAUDIBLE], you understand?

Yeah, all that working out is paying off, man.

I'm telling you, it's all paying off now.

Ain't nobody going to get away with murder around here.

I'm bad.

[GUNSHOT]

[SCREAMING]

Kick him, I'm going to stop him.

[GUNSHOT]

[SCREAMING]

Get an ambulance.

Maybe I was a little rough.

Yeah, she caught the guy.

That was a good bit of police work from all I hear.

Right, stuffed an orange cone up his ass.

He's in the hospital bleeding out of the rectum right now,

law suits.

You know, everybody makes mistakes once.

Right.

Purse snatcher.

She got that guy too.

That purse, you bitch.

Hi ya.

[SCREAMING]

MALE VOICE: Take that, you bitch.

[SIRENS]

There, freeze. [GUNSHOT]

[YELLING]

[MOANING]

Bitch, taste of your own medicine, you cocksucker.

Want to eat my ass?

Want to eat my gun?

What the hell do you think you're doing in my city, huh?

MALE VOICE: That was my purse.

How dare you do that to people?

MALE VOICE: She stole it from me.

Cocksucker piece of shit.

Ow.

Lay on your stomach.

Take me to a hospital.

[GROANING]

MALE VOICE: Whatever you do, don't stick

your nightstick in my wound.

Give it to him, baby.

[GROANING]

[THUDDING]

MALE VOICE: God, stop it, please.

Whatever you do, don't stick a gun up my ass.

[GUNSHOTS]

Uh oh, another one bites the dust.

[CHEERING]

Call the meat wagon, cocksucker.

[GUNSHOTS]

[SCREAMING]

We rule the city, bitch.

Yes we do.

[YELLING]

Get some more boogers going downtown, keep it safe.

In my place, out of my face, give me some space.

Emptied her clip in his ass.

Twice, it's a tough town.

No, she's not going to come near this case.

So where she she?

She's on ice.

Traffic detail downtown.

She's not going to get in any trouble there.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: OK guys, up to the stage now is Larry.

CHIEF DOUBLESTUMP (ON TV): Popo, hey, get out of here.

What are you doing? Huh?

We are not discussing the details of this case

but I assure you that we are closer than ever

and doing everything we can to bring this sick son of a bitch

to justice.

All I can say is that we've got the best people on the case

and there is no reason to panic.

No, no, no.

If anything, the night life is livelier than ever.

That's it. Get out of here.

The interview is over.

I'm taking you to jail.

[FARTING]

[CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER: All right, guys, up to the stage now is Ginger.

Hi, would you like some privacy?

We have two private chat rooms to serve you.

Not now.

Maybe later.

Oh, come on.

Hey, do you live around here?

Shh.

Don't talk.

Let me give you a lap dance.

You don't know all the locals, do you?

[FARTING]

Have you seen anything unusual?

[FARTING]

Unusual?

This is a nudie bar, dude.

Weird shit happens all the time.

Do you remember the night the old man was murdered?

Look, do you want a lap dance or do you want to talk?

I like a lap dance just fine, I just like talking too.

I know what you need.

Two girl fantasy.

Come with me.

I'll get Boner.

So go on in, be patient.

I'll get Bono, we'll be right back.

Be a good boy.

Oh.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[SCREAMING]

[SQUIRTING]

This guy looks like he has a lot of money.

Maybe he'll pay for my operation.

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

MALE VOICE ON POLICE RADIO: Attention

all cops, attention all cops.

Murder at the Shimmering Beaver, murder

at the Shimmering Beaver.

Possible officer down.

Not my bunny.

[CRYING]

[SIRENS]

Jeez, I hope this isn't Detective Dance.

I call his wallet.

It's him.

Its Travis.

[COUGHING]

Is that his head?

No Chief, I think it's over there.

He said he had a hunch about this place.

Looks like he was right.

Well, let's call it in.

[COUGHING]

[SIRENS]

[INAUDIBLE]

[YELLING]

God damn it, that sounds like Ivana.

Pope, get out there and stop her.

She can't see Travis like this.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You don't want to go in there.

He's dead, isn't he?

Yeah.

And somebody took his wallet.

My god.

[SOBBING]

[YELLING]

What the fuck happened?

Ivana, I am so sorry.

Save your condolences, Double Dick.

Travis is dead and he wouldn't be dead

if I was on the case with him and you know it.

No, Ivana.

Don't say shit to me.

I'm telling you, I'm on the case starting

right this fucking minute.

You're upset.

Let's talk about this down at the station.

No shit I'm upset.

Let me see what I can do.

I'll tell you what you can do.

You can take your fat ass and your double dick

and get the fuck out of here.

Because I'm coming back, I'm getting naked

and I'm going to fuck shit up.

You stay the fuck out of my way.

MALE VOICE: Hey lady, I don't mean to butt in or anything,

but a good way to get over the death of your husband

is to go home and have a naked training montage that all

the little 14-year-old kids with the DVD players

can jerk off to.

And then they won't be like they wasted their money.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What do we have here?

You little bitch whore.

[PANTING]

[MOANING]

You stay here and you don't say a word.

ANNOUNCER: All right guys, since it's National Comic Book

Appreciation Week, ladies put your hands together

for the amazing Spider Cunt.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHTER]

Man, I would love to sniff your panties.

Well, guess what handsome?

I'm not wearing any.

Hot damn.

MALE VOICE: Gross.

Vagina.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MALE VOICE: Oh, you know, I would have thought you'd

have been shaving down there.

-Yeah. -Really?

Yeah.

Watch this.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

[GASPING]

What the fuck is she doing in there?

Fuck.

Ow.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

What are you doing?

What do you mean what am I doing?

Ow, my nose.

my nose.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, miss?

Excuse me, but is there a reason why you're

chasing my customers away?

I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous.

[SCOFFS]

What do you have to be nervous about?

I'm here to ask you for a job.

Oh really?

I want to be a dancer.

You want to be a dancer?

Then get on stage, show your tits, bitch.

OK, I'll get my costume on.

Thanks.

ANNOUNCER: All righty, guys, this is her first time

on stage so be kind.

This is Ivana.

When Ivana's not stripping, she's an undercover cop

posing as a stripper.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MALE VOICE: Hey Larry, am I getting a bald spot?

[FARTING]

ANNOUNCER: All right guys, can you believe that this

is Ivana's first time on stage?

Yeah, so can I.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

So do I got a job?

[SIGHING]

Yeah, you got it.

Yes.

Thank you so much.

I won't let you down.

God, what is she doing?

IVANA: All right, well, how about [INAUDIBLE].

I'm into some kinky shit and I hope you guys like it rough.

Oh yeah.

Rough.

Yeah.

Hi sweetie.

Uh, excuse me, Deke, we don't want any trouble, man.

Nobody has to worry about trouble as

long as you learn how to relax.

[GROANING]

Just let go.

ANNOUNCER: All right, guys, entering the strip club is

Deke, our resident red herring.

This could be him, Popo.

You sure?

ANNOUNCER: His interests are confusing

viewers, combing his hair, and taking his coat off.

Dance? Dance?

Anyone want a dance?

No, you didn't.

That's my pretty pink bikini, bitch.

Get the fuck--

[SLAP]

Oh, you scummy cunt.

I'll slice you up.

You better give that back.

I paid hundreds of bucks for it and your fat ass

doesn't work in it anyway.

You're not killing anyone else, pal.

ANNOUNCER: Hey guys, put your hands

together for the poorly-choreographed Kung Fu

fight.

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHTER]

We got him.

Let's go. He's mine.

All right.

Where?

He's over there, over there.

Freeze.

Party's over, scum bag.

[EXCLAIMING]

Cuff him, Popo.

I've got you.

[YELLING]

[GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

[GUNSHOT]

Oh, no, no, not in the package.

Oh yes, daddy.

Oh, put it to my temple.

Put it in my mouth.

I should have fucked you when I had the chance.

MALE VOICE: Get up.

Are you responsible for the murders?

I'm the murderer, baby.

I killed them.

[GROANING]

I'm not playing any more games with you guys.

Oh yeah, tie me up, baby.

I told you this was a fun place.

Yeah, tie me up.

Make it real tight.

Damn.

Mhm.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like it tight too, don't I?

Hey, what the fuck are you doing, bitch?

Give that back.

[GROANING]

Bitch, what kind of fucking lap dance is this?

IVANA: It's the kind of lap dance

where you tell me what I want to know.

Fuck you, bitch.

We ain't telling you shit.

And you can suck my dick.

How about I make you boys my bitches?

[GROANING]

[SIRENS]

How long are we going to make her stand

there and degrade herself before we

tell her we caught the killer?

Not yet.

Are you kidding me?

After all the headaches she's caused me?

I've been waiting for the opportunity to get back at her.

[LAUGHTER]

Every dog has his or her day.

[LAUGHTER]

Who knows what kind of degrading acts

Ivana's subjecting herself to right now.

[GROANING]

Ooh, hot.

Oh shit.

[PANTING]

Now tell me who the strip club killer is?

What?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Tell me who the fucking murderer is.

What the fuck are you talking about, lady?

We don't know anything, lady.

Keep those hips moving.

Cum.

Come on, Chief.

It's been long enough.

OK, OK.

I'll cut her loose.

Yeah, Doublestump.

We apprehended the strip club killer.

Someone get word to Ivana immediately.

Happy?

Very.

That's why you put up with me.

Mulch all over the place.

There are zoning laws-- OK.

This is just coming into me.

Thank you, Luis.

It's Ramon.

Ramon.

Just in, strip club killer apprehended.

No.

Yes.

Tromaville Action News will be live on the air 24 hours a day

to bring you, the viewing public,

live coverage of every angle of this breaking story.

We'll be interviewing the killer's neighbors, his mom,

his grade-school teachers.

His reflexologist.

[BEEPING] [YELLING]

We don't know anything.

[BEEPING]

[PANTING]

Now don't you tell anybody about this, you butt-fuck.

You hear me?

People won't know shit, asshole.

[FARTING]

Oh well, thanks for nothing, guys.

At least you're in touch with your own sexuality now.

[PHONE DIALING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Doublestump.

Where did you find a guy?

The Shimmering Beaver.

I was at the Beaver.

When did you find the guy?

I'm going to come down there and check the fucking files myself.

Around 11:30, OK?

You must have been in the back room.

You left me in that chat room for half an hour?

Are you sure you've got the right guy,

because I'm coming down there to question him myself.

No, no, no, no.

That won't be necessary.

Damn, I'm mad.

Fuck.

I hate that Doublestump, dick, prick, piece of shit.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: OK guys, the girls are always

available for private dances.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: And we have a special for all you

guys with fake pimples, but you must masturbate into your wigs.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[YELLING]

What the hell?

[YELLING]

Oh my god, somebody call 911.

Oh.

[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[SCREAMING]

[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]

VOICE ON POLICE RADIO: Multiple murders in progress

at the Shimmering Beaver.

Fuck, I knew it.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Yes, this just in.

The strip club killer not apprehended.

It is not the guy.

False alarm, people.

However, we will continue our 24-hour coverage of this event,

because quite frankly, we've got nothing better to do.

I have some Zoysia grass to grow.

I had a date tonight that was canceled.

Cancelled.

And I'm here and you know, if she wants

to be a woman about it, she'll call me

instead of sending me an email.

Yeah, that's weak.

A mass email.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What the fuck?

[ROARING]

Let her go.

[GUNSHOTS]

[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

VOICE ON POLICE RADIO: Multiple homicides in progress

at the Shimmering Beaver.

Chief, did you hear that?

Looks like we might have the wrong man.

No.

Holy cannoli.

No, that guy's got it all wrong.

Hope Ivana didn't go back there by herself.

I'm the one that killed those bitches and I'll do it again.

Sergeant Dance, Sergeant Dance, come in.

Someone's taking credit for my shit.

Ivana, do you read me?

Shit, I think she went back there by herself.

We better call for backup.

Hit the lights.

[SIREN]

Doublestump, officer in need of assistance

at the Shimmering Beaver.

All units respond.

[SIRENS]

Ugh, you guys have me.

Where are you guys going?

The jail is the other way.

I want to get ass raped by Aryans.

I want to drop the soap.

I've always heard it's so much fun.

I want to drop the soap.

[YELLING]

Oh, oh my god.

[RATTLING]

God.

[YELLING]

[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[YELLING]

[SHRIEKING]

[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[RATTLING]

What are you doing laying there?

Get up and show me what you got on stage.

[RATTLING]

ANNOUNCER: All right, guys.

Up to the stage right now is the topless praying mantis

monster and Ivana.

[BELL RINGS]

[MONSTER SHRIEKING]

Yes.

[GROWLING]

Travis.

Ivana?

[GROWLING]

Are you OK?

Am I OK?

Am I OK?

What the hell happened in here, Ivana?

What happened?

You've got some big time explaining to do.

The killer, I killed the killer.

That's what happened, I killed her.

Right there, bitch.

I did it for Travis.

[CRYING]

I did it for Travis.

Popo, call the meat wagon.

Tell the boys they're going to pick up some overtime tonight.

This just in--

Strip club killer has been caught.

And it's a female.

It's a female killer.

Oh my god, the public's going to love this.

Thank god.

By public, I mean--

Midgets.

And Jews.

But wait, wait, it gets better.

She's not just a woman, she's a stripper alien mantis creature.

Dude, jackpot.

Give me some claw.

Touchdown.

Eh, eh.

Yes, we will be live on the air 24/7

to give you this exclusive coverage

of the stripper alien mantis creature massacre.

And stick with us after the break

when our very own Jonathan Gotley explores a new level

of underground animals.

Titled--

What's furry down by my foot?

Holy Molerstein.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[DING]

[STRAINING]

[FARTING]

Oh god damn.

[FARTING]

Oh, you know, every day I get letters just like this one.

[FARTING]

[SIGHS]

"Dear Crap Keeper, please stop calling

my home or I'll have you shot.

Best Wishes, Hillary Rodham Clinton."

Eh.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

But every once in a while I get a letter like--

[STRAINING]

[FARTING]

[EXHALES]

Ah, like, like this.

Ooh.

"Dear Crap Keeper, your films are so

fucking retarded how do you get investors to continuously fund

your garbage?

I hope you drown in your own shit

and die a long and horrible death.

Sincerely, Little Jimmy Picknoser, Topeka, Kansas.

PS, I hope a dog digs up your corpse and pees on it."

Oh well, oh well, Jimmy.

Thanks for your great interest in independent film production.

Now today we're going to show you how you, little Jimmy,

can make your own damn movie.

Yes, "Make Your Own Damn Movie".

It's the hot new book by my good handsome friend.

Lloyd Kaufman.

Available at Barnes and Noble's, Borders, and fine bookstores

everywhere.

And you know what you're going to need,

Jimmy, to start your film?

You know what you need to begin making your own damn movie?

You need a script.

Yes.

A script is a blueprint for your movie.

Everything must be just so with a movie that Jimmy makes.

Now let's see what kind of a script we're going to get--

[FARTING]

[EXHALES]

And Jimmy, your script is going to be "What Women Want"?

No way.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

You know, John Cassavetes always said a good movie

comes from the heart.

So little Jimmy, we're going to improvise.

Yes little Jimmy, you're going to be improvising your movie.

Now what do you need next?

You need a location.

Locations are places where you produce your movie.

Your location might want to be a sunny and exotic place.

So Jimmy, let's produce your movie in--

[SCREAMING]

[BOUNCING]

In sunny Jamaica.

Uh, in a sunny crack house.

Now your film is going to need a protagonist, a hero.

Someone that every man can identify with.

Can say, you know, that could be me.

And let's see now, what-- the protagonist-- hmm-- hero--

perhaps, I don't know, maybe, maybe your protagonist

could be, say a gorgeous lesbian art

student with an insatiable yearning

for sexual gratification.

I'm a gorgeous lesbian art student

with an insatiable yearning for sexual gratification.

Wow.

And what's a protagonist without a love interest?

I'm another gorgeous lesbian art

student with an unquenchable yearning

for sexual gratification.

Excellent, yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOANING]

Can't wait.

[STAMMERING]

You know, your story's going to need some kind of a conflict.

A conflict.

That's the important thing.

You need something that the heroes can overcome,

an insurmountable goal perhaps.

Now your car, your car has broken down

and you don't have a phone and you have to call for a tow.

Our car has broken down.

And we need a phone to call for a tow.

Now what kind of story would this

be if we didn't have a villain?

We need to have someone to stand in your way, your heroes.

We need a moreority for your homes.

A yin for your yang.

Whatever.

And of course, the yin to every lesbian's yang

is a crackhead totally hard up for voyeuristic

lesbian activity.

Ta da.

Yeah.

Ew.

No likey?

But did I mention that the surly crackhead just happens

to be a pre-op transsexual?

[SNORTING]

[COUGHING] I'm a surly crackhead, totally hard

for voyeuristic lesbian experience.

Did I mention that I'm a pre-op tranny?

[MOANING]

Over there.

Harder.

[PANTING]

Now, you film students look carefully, this is a gun,

and whenever the occasion arises,

put a gun in your movie.

Audiences always are interested in guns,

especially American audiences.

Whether you're doing a movie about a raccoon family

or about pre-op transsexuals, put a gun in your movie.

Now pre-op transsexual, take this gun and on with the scene.

OK, hurry up, hurry up.

Scene, scene, scene.

[PANTING]

What do you pussy seekers want?

Our car broke down and we need to use your phone.

You need a fucking phone?

I've got a phone for you, bitch.

Great.

OK, now, now, now we need even more conflict, more conflict.

Uh, uh, more conflict, do you hear that?

Come on, come up with some conflict.

All right, ready? Let's go.

Go. Action.

Act, act, act.

We don't have any money.

No money?

No.

No money, no phone.

you cunts.

Well, there must be some way we can pay you.

I think we could arrange that.

I'm smelling some nice dripping wet pussy.

[FARTING]

Mm, smells like fine fudge-packed ass.

I think we could arrange something, cunts.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Take your fucking clothes off now.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOANING]

Blondie, I want your clothes off.

Take her clothes off.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Suck her tits.

Touch your ass.

How do you like that ass?

[MOANING]

Do you like it?

Yeah.

[FARTING]

Ah, now I'm a Hollywood brown nosing filmmaker.

[MOANING]

You know, this is probably a very good time

to talk about the musical score because your movies

are going to need music.

You know, films and music are very, very related.

A symphony has rhythm, a movie, editing has rhythm.

I think that I've picked out some very,

very appropriate music.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

How about this?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOANING]

[PANTING]

[SCREAMING]

[GUNSHOTS]

Now most films would probably end the scene right here,

but this is a Troma movie and we don't

know the meaning of overkill.

Yeah, I'm being serious.

We've never looked it up.

We don't even have a dictionary.

But I digress.

I don't even know what digress means.

You know, to make this a Troma movie,

we've got to come up with a certain twist,

something unexpected.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

No, no, not that kind of a twist, you wisenheimers.

I meant the filmmakers have to put

in an unusual twist in the film, something

the audience is not expecting.

A twist, uh, the lesbians are vampires.

No, no, nah.

Vampires are much too trite.

This movie is going to have yet another twist.

We're going to have something that you, the audience,

is never going to forget as long as you live.

Action Winky.

[HEARTBEAT]

[GASPING]

[ROARING]

Get over here, bitch.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

And that, little Brian McGrath, is how

you make your own damn movie.

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, you know what would put this film over the top?

A topless 500-pound candygram.

[GONG BANGS]

Candygram for Crap Keeper.

Candygram for Crap Keeper.

Everyone, let's get freaky.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

That's what I call disco.

And fade out.

NARRATOR: Every year, Hollywood produces many films

with masterful acting, great art direction, wonderful scripts

and limitless production value.

This is not one of them.

Now let's see some titties and gore.

Woo ha.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SQUISHING]

[CRASH]

I--

[POPPING]

Yeah, take it off of me.

[GASPING]

Huh?

[SCREAMING]

[THUDDING]

[SQUIRTING]

[SCREAMING]

[THUDDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

Baby.

What are you looking at?

[CRASHING]

[LAUGHING]

No, that chick's butt.

[LAUGHTER]

Ew.

[LAUGHTER]

MALE VOICE: I'm mad at you.

I'm expecting some shit in the mail.

What?

Money for school.

MALE VOICE: That means we're celebrating tonight, right?

I guess we should, huh?

All right, I'm out of here, guys.

Back here in an hour?

Yep, an hour.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: And so Timmy returned home expecting

a letter from his dad.

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): Dear Timmy,

had an accident at the factory the other day,

my arms were ripped off.

Since we have no health care, I guess I can't pay

for your college tuition, boy.

But cheer up, looks like all those letters you receive

from various scholarship programs you applied to, well,

I'm sure they'll pay for college.

So you and that fat kid should have a great time.

Oh yeah, and also that skinny guy, the other guy.

Have fun with him too.

Who the fuck casted those idiots anyway?

That fucking shit-ass casting director.

I'm going to kill him.

Love, Dad.

I'm off to the gay bar now.

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): We regret to inform you

that you are not qualified for financial aid due to the fact

that you're white.

Shit.

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): You have qualified

for a full financial scholarship.

That's what I would have said if you were an aborted fetus.

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): You're not special enough.

Fuck.

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): Declined for drinking too much beer.

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): Not eligible.

Rejected.

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): Not black enough.

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): Homosexual

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): Too gay.

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): You're a loser.

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): You stink.

Go back to Jersey.

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): Not qualified.

[PHONE RINGING]

Tim can't come to the phone right now--

DAD (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Hey tiger, it's your dad.

They found my arm in a field in Texas

and I'll be using what little savings

we had to get it stitched on.

So I certainly can't pay for your tuition.

Yup, there's still 30 minutes left to this movie.

Maybe that fat kid, he'll come up with some plot to raise

the money for your tuition.

Tim, calm the fuck down, you homo.

Hey, what are you doing?

That table's an antique.

Fuck college.

Who cares if all your friends will

be more successful than you?

In fact, you don't care if you never have sex in your life,

do you?

Anyway, I'll call you the next time there's a hole

in the plot of this movie.

[PHONE RINGING]

DAD (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Hey Timbo, it's Dad again.

I forgot to tell you, don't drink the Jack Daniels.

I pee in it.

[BELCHING]

DAD (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Just kidding, kid.

I peed in the beer.

[INAUDIBLE]

[SIGHING]

Have you been bad?

I've been very bad.

Private shows $50.

I've got $50.

NARRATOR: And so little Timmy ordered a stripper.

TIMMY: Fucking loser.

Oh, everyone's going to school except you.

[LAUGHTER]

And me, you have a stripper coming.

[LAUGHTER]

[KNOCKING]

All right.

[KNOCKING]

Who is it?

STRIPPER: Candygram.

What have I done?

NARRATOR: Doh, you ordered a stripper, you moron.

Hi, I'm Demanda, and this is Guardo.

Guardo, why don't you wait in the car?

I'll handle this boy all by myself.

Don't forget to get the cookies and milk first.

Mm.

Look at you.

I could eat you alive.

NARRATOR: She reminded me of that girl from the last movie,

only this one was trouble.

Trouble with a capital V, a V for vampire.

Oh wait, did I just give away a crucial plot point?

Uh, never mind.

Fresh meat.

[GULPS]

[SLAP]

[EXCLAIMS]

So what's your pleasure?

Some rough stuff?

Some S&M?

[SQUEAKING]

[MOANING]

Finger in your ass?

Or some anal beads?

[FARTING] -Execution.

[PHONE RINGING]

How dare you talk back, you piece of shit.

DAD (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Hello, it's Dad again.

I want to remind you to tape the hockey game.

How do you like these?

DAD (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): And maybe

you can wear a pair of pants that'll cover your stink hole.

You never know when some crazy stripper's going to come a long

and shove a whip up your ass, right?

How do you think I met your mother?

Stop, lady.

Stop.

[SMACKING]

You've been a bad, bad boy.

Stop.

You didn't study for your exam, you piece of shit.

[GROANING]

[SMACKING]

I'm going to be sick, lady.

Stop.

[PANTING]

Hey, I wasn't done yet.

[GLASS BREAKING] -Where are you going?

TIMMY: I'm sorry, the money's on the table.

Hey, hey, come back.

[RETCHING]

What the fuck?

Piece of shit's lunch money?

God damn it.

[KNOCKING]

Hey, what the fuck?

[VOMITING]

[KNOCKING]

If you don't come out, I'm going to leave.

TIMMY: Oh god.

I'm sorry.

You can go ahead and leave.

The money's on, on the table.

[VOMITING]

Yeah, what is this, a tip?

[VOMITING]

[GLASS BREAKING]

I'll be back. you fucking book worm.

[VOMITING]

TIMMY: Oh, I feel like Karen Carpenter.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, here's $50 for starters, I'll get the rest.

You stupid bitch, what did I tell you?

Get the cookies first.

I said I'd get it.

Do you think hair grows on trees?

Get the fucking cookies.

Don't go fucking rank on me, Guardo.

I'll kick your ass.

No cookies, no ride.

Fuck you in your ass.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Shit, fuck you.

Fuck you.

[VOMITING]

Come on out of there, buddy.

We need to talk.

Money my ass.

[YELLING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Piece of shit.

[BEEP]

DAD (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Hey Timbo, it's Dad.

This scene is really boring.

Let's put some Boner Vision the screen.

Easy, bitch.

I'm hammered.

You need to come up $250.

$250?

And cab fare.

When did you come up with that number?

The ad says $50.

[WHIMPERING]

$50, carpet cleaning, $250 private shows.

Oh my god, lady.

I am so sorry.

You'll be sorry when I'm done with you.

You'll never have--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'll think of something, I promise.

[LAUGHTER]

[SHOUTING]

Guys, don't leave.

Don't leave.

What's going on here?

You boys need to come up with some cash

or your buddy here is dust.

$250 bucks plus cab fare.

What does he owe you for?

I dance and do role playing scenarios.

Get it?

Nice.

You mean you come in here and kick the shit out of him.

Oh, well, I'm not usually this rough

but I've just been ripped off.

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

What, what?

All his funding fell through.

You're fucking kidding me.

This means you can't come to college with us next year, Tim.

I know.

This fucks up the whole plan.

I need a ride home, right fucking now.

What are you guys talking about?

And my money.

Yes.

DEMANDA: Do you understand?

Yes, yes I do.

Why don't you come with us.

DEMANDA: Get the fuck out of my way, you weasel.

Yes, yes ma'am.

Hey, maybe if there's time you can finish your performance

for me and Bill.

Yeah.

I fucking think not.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

We've got to figure something out.

[FARTING]

We can't just let him stay here.

[FARTING]

BILL: We'll figure something out.

So how much you make on a good night?

I don't know, a grand or so.

[FARTING]

Whoa.

They fucking what?

Guess how much she makes on a night of doing this shit.

I don't know, $500, $600?

Try over a grand.

[FARTING]

You thinking what I'm thinking?

NARRATOR: Yes, the boys were thinking the same thing.

[BELL DINGS]

NARRATOR: With the exception of ten pounds of mozzarella

and 30 naked school boys.

Yep, the guys deduced that the only way to get Tim to college

was to form an elite society of gay ninjas

that would overthrow the government.

[LAUGHING]

NARRATOR: But we couldn't find any ninjas in the Topeka area,

so the guys decided to throw a fundraising party where

Julie and friends would strip and the proceeds would

pay for Tim's college tuition.

I'm selling tickets for an all-night stripper bash

at Tim's house tomorrow night.

[LAUGHTER]

NARRATOR: That's what I just said.

Would you do it for two?

$2,000 and you got a deal.

Here you go.

NARRATOR: And there goes Julie's strange vagina,

paid for by the good people of the Bush Re-Election Committee.

You'll never find me, American swine.

NARRATOR: Back at the vampire mansion,

Poontang, the studio's Vietnamese vampire art student

was performing her interpretive dance on the fall of Saigon

and how napalm causes vampirism.

Did you bring the marshmallows?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, hello, Demanda.

Welcome home.

Where the hell is Guardo?

He's out back.

[GASPING]

Ow, watch the hair, bitch.

You don't even know what bitch means.

Ow, oh, what's in here?

[DOOR SLAMS]

DEMANDA: Motherfucker, how dare you fucking

leave me in a place like that.

Did Demanda forget the cookies again?

[SIGHING]

Yup.

And she headed straight for Guardo's room.

[WHIMPERING]

DEMANDA: I'm going to make mincemeat out of you.

That's what I'm going to do.

You're going to be sorry that you ever laid eyes on a woman

like me, you bald-head piece of shit,

goatee-wearing, motherfucking tattooed piece of ass fucker.

You pissed me off.

I'm sorry.

I fucked up, OK?

Jesus.

He's so fucked.

I know.

What's eating her, anyway?

Should I cut your dick off or should

I just aim for your guts?

Mm? [THUDDING]

[SCREAMING]

My shirt.

Woah.

You come here.

Stupid piece of shit.

Did you just do what I think you did?

I hope so.

He was creep.

Stupid piece of shit.

Let's get these clothes off you.

[FARTING]

Oh, that's so sexy.

It turns me on.

OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello, my name is Oliver Stone.

I'm a filmmaker.

Some people say I directed this scene here in "Tuition

of the Terror Twat".

And the feeling I was going for was

to really evoke the emotion--

Come to mama, baby.

OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Of what

it means to be a vampire in today's

modern oppressive society.

What I did was, uh, I decided to light it

in this horrible green light and make it completely unwackable,

which is sort of what I was going for here,

to show the sickness of being a lesbian and being a vampire.

And I think the emotion I got was repulsion,

sensuality, motion sickness.

And um, assholes.

It was important to get the shot of the woman's ass

to show that we really are at the end, so to speak,

of existence.

And the asshole is sort of a symbol of sort

of the apex of where we're all headed

into this small black hole.

And we don't know what's going to come out of it,

or what's coming into it.

As the poet laureate Dan Schnerman

said in his famous poem, "Shitty,

shitty lighting, shitty lighting, oh,

how it ruins a shitty movie."

I think it-- Oh, OK, we're rounding it up

and we realize that the vampires clothe Julie Strain

and it was very interesting to work with them.

We didn't need him anyway.

We didn't?

Hell no.

Tomorrow night we work and we feast.

Really?

We'll tease and we'll taste.

I'm hungry.

Soon your teeth will be biting into

their thick, buttery flesh.

Me so hungry.

Why don't you girls go and get a little appetizer.

[FARTING]

Pupu platter?

There's enough of Guardo to go around.

[BELCHING]

I saved the big pieces for you two to fight over.

Yes.

But don't forget to eat the bones.

I don't feel like digging any holes tonight, except my own.

[SHUDDERING]

Fucker.

Where's the duck sauce?

[INAUDIBLE]

[PHONE RINGING]

BORIS KAMINSKY: My name is Boris Kaminisky.

I director of photography.

Idea for a scene here, make look very ugly.

We shoot bad framing, bad light, focus on wrong character

and shoot against open window.

The idea was to make it look very amateur.

It have to look shitty.

We're throwing a stripper party here tonight.

Are you guys on fucking crack?

It's your scholarship party.

Yes.

I told you, I didn't get a scholarship.

Dude, we're raising money.

No, don't, don't start--

Don't, don't, don't, don't worry about it, Tim.

We won't tell anybody.

I don't know, guys.

This doesn't sound like a good idea at all.

[LAUGHTER]

What are you worried about?

I'm going to get my ass kicked if my dad finds--

Your dad's going to kill you when he figures out

you're not going to college because you

missed the fucking deadline.

When he finds out that I had a party

and not getting into school--

It's worth throwing a stripper party for to you.

OK?

And you're getting into college.

This has nothing to do with college.

You're getting people here-- you just want to see strippers.

This is for you going to college.

You're getting pussy, you're getting laid,

you're getting fucked up every night for four years,

and then you're going to get a fucking degree, baby.

With us, moving to King.

This is going to rock.

MALE VOICE: It's a Shaq attack.

Check it.

What's up, fellas?

[LAUGHTER]

What are you doing?

What's up?

Y'all want to see some fine-ass bitches tonight?

Yo, do you know this guy?

If they start kicking us out, I'm leaving.

Don't be leaving me hanging, you know what I'm saying?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Y'all want to come to this party or what?

[LAUGHTER]

Get lost.

Fellas, for 100 bones, intimate contact with three fine-ass

bitches.

Check it.

Let me see that.

Check it.

All right homeboy, but I'm not going anywhere

with you talking like that.

[LAUGHTER]

OK, OK.

Oh, fuck.

You got me, you got me, you got me.

Thank you.

And she's going to be there?

Yes.

OK.

Fellas, I'll see you then.

[LAUGHTER]

All right.

Whitey.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What do you think?

All right, stop.

Let's go raise some money for Tim.

Let's make some fucking money.

Hey man, we're going to have a stripper party.

Do you want to come.

Hey buddy, want to see some strippers?

Hey, Jews for stripper parties?

Hey, come to my, um--

[FARTING] -Strippers.

Want to help a poor white boy go to college?

Come to my party tonight.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

Do you think maybe there will be

bongs at your stripper party? -Oh yeah.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

Are there going to be comic books there?

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

Strippers. [CASH REGISTER DINGS]

All you've got to do is pay $100 bucks.

Are you showing your cute little butt?

Hm? -Yeah, yeah.

I'll strip for you if you're paying.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

Yeah, here's $100.

I'll see you later, complete stranger.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

NARRATOR: $33?

That will totally pay for college.

Shareen, why did you turn off the editing machine?

The movie is great.

What's wrong with you?

We've got to hurry up.

Michael Herz is going to kill us if we don't finish this movie.

This story doesn't make sense whatsoever.

What are you talking about?

This script is perfectly logical.

Do you think this kid is going to collect that kind of money

from some stupid lame-ass stripper party?

[BOING]

Who the hell would pay over $100 for some stupid party

when they can go out and get a blow job for a mere $20?

This story is a big pile of shit.

OK?

The conflict of the story is bogus.

Why couldn't he just go out and get a student loan

or go to a community college?

Or for god's sakes, go and get a job.

This story is a big pile of shit.

It's crap.

It's shit.

-You, you want shit. -No I don't.

You want shit.

The Crap Keeper is going to give you shit, Shareen.

Here we go.

Here we go.

[STRAINING]

[FARTING]

[SCREAMING]

[PANTING]

[LAUGHING]

Look at it.

It's warm, and it's wet, and it's for you.

[LAUGHTER]

You're going to die.

[CLAPPING]

OK, Debbie Rashon, now I think it's

your turn to be the new editor.

[BOING]

Let's go back to editing "Tales From the Crapper".

OK.

-Let's go. -Yes, yes.

-Let's go. -Here we go.

OK.

I say that if we do the long shot over there--

[LAUGHTER]

This is going to be the greatest party.

Yeah, we'll see.

This place is going to get trashed.

I'm going to get in trouble.

Dude, relax.

I've got Jimmy covering the door tonight.

What?

You're kidding, Jimmy?

Yeah.

Not your brother Jimmy.

Why not?

Dude, I know he's your brother and all,

but that guy's the biggest fucking loser.

I mean, come on.

All he does is talk about how much pussy he gets

and how big his cock is.

BRUCE FANCY (VOICEOVER): Hello, I'm Bruce Fancy.

I was the um, set designer here on this film.

In this scene I just want to talk about the bucket

in the middle of the frame.

I felt that it was important to put a bucket in this movie.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at the Hall of justice--

MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): This movie costs how much?

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at the hall of big-breasted lesbian

vampires that are going to kill our heroes-- uh, I mean, whose

mysterious plans are unknown--

You girls ready?

Not really.

Hey, I was wondering if vampires menstruate?

NARRATOR: Why, yes they do.

In fact, vampires often drink each others menstrual blood.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ROOSTER CROWING]

[COW MOOING]

[SCREAMING]

[CRASH]

Cock sucking faggots sucking each other off right now.

Piece of shit.

Fucker.

You guys are here early.

[FARTING]

I smell shit.

Oh I--

What's your name?

Sunshine.

OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello, this is Oliver Stone again.

This is my favorite scene in the movie.

Without a doubt, the best scene.

It's a Ron Jeremy improv comedy scene where we just let

the cameras roll and he uh-- [LAUGHTER]

See that?

I mean, look at that.

He's great.

We just let the cameras roll and I'm still laughing

about it, just how good he was.

Uh, and was given a rough skeleton--

[LAUGHTER]

Look at him, look at him.

He's great.

And everything he did was just from his own mind.

I don't know why you guys want to listen

to my boring, monotonous commentary

when you have Ron here.

You really should switch over to track one and just

listen to what he has to say because this,

this is comedy folks.

[LAUGHTER]

He's very funny.

Um, you know, we were actually-- look at that.

See? Isn't he good?

Kudos to Ron.

Kudos to the crew.

[LAUGHTER]

Kudos to my lighting guy for lighting that giant halo

over his head there.

[CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER: Attention party goers.

Today's party attendance is a record 2,000.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CROWD CHANTING "CHUG"]

Fucking chug it, you will suck it.

[CROWD CHANTING "CHUG"]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Barney Gumble's a very big agent

and this family comes into Barney Gumble's office,

and it's a mother, father, daughter and a son

and their dog, right?

This really happened.

[CRUNCHING]

Where's the fucking salsa?

[CRASHING]

I need some fucking salsa.

Barney Gumble says, what do you guys do?

And they said, well, let's just show you.

And the dad takes down his pants and the son starts

sucking the dad's dick, right?

Which is weird.

Hey.

[KNOCKING]

Shut up in there.

Shut up in there.

And then the mom gets down on her knees

and starts fisting the dogs ass, right?

[BOING]

[MOANING]

Come on, don't be shy.

Silicone doesn't hurt.

[GIGGLING]

How about a shaved pussy?

I don't know about that.

Um, guys.

Shut up, Tim.

And then the son takes a crap on the floor.

The mom takes the son's crap and smears it

all over the daughters ass, which

then the dad eats out, right?

[KNOCKING]

This is great.

You stay right there.

Oh yeah.

Watch me pull a rabbit out of my ass.

Oh wow.

I'm going to teach you--

You're getting tied up.

Eats that, the shit's on the floor, the jacks off the son.

The son cums all over the dog.

The daughter licks the cum off the dog.

The dog then takes a shit on the son-- no,

I'm sorry-- the dog takes a shit on the daughter.

Wait, no, let's start over.

Hey boys, resist and stay put while we

go dance for your other homo friends out there.

We'll have a big surprise for you when we get back.

Keep those cocks hard--

[GASPS]

Or we'll cut them off.

Fucking ass.

LLOYD KAUFMAN (VOICEOVER): Greetings from Tromaville.

This is Lloyd Kaufman.

Now, in this scene, I actually had a bit of a dispute

with the editors.

They had this weird idea that we should move the story along,

and uh, what the heck's that all about?

I felt that whilst the women in this film

are rather attractive, the lesbian scenes just don't

have the magic, the spark.

And we got lucky.

During some re shoots, the winner

of the Beat the Geeks "Get Killed in a Troma Movie"

contest, she happened to enjoy being with the nice buffed gal

on the left.

And hey, what's better than that?

Who needs story?

Who needs plot when you've got the hot lesbian action?

Look at that. Now that filmmaking.

[ZIPPER UNZIPS] [SLAPPING]

LLOYD KAUFMAN (VOICEOVER): Look at, look

at, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm a good director.

Oh, oh.

[SQUIRTING]

LLOYD KAUFMAN (VOICEOVER): Um yes, well, I

guess I'm finished with my commentary

and let's go back to the stupid movie now.

Anybody got a Kleenex around here?

[CHEERING]

[SPANKING]

Come on. [KNOCKING]

Got to show my cock to somebody.

Come on.

[KNOCKING]

Dude.

These chicks are wild man, I'm telling you.

The dad's balls, right?

And the son goes down and starts jacking off the dad.

The dad goes down and starts fisting the daughter.

The daughter's getting fisted also by the mother.

The mother stops and shits all over the floor.

The dog--

I wonder what's going on out there.

I don't know, but it's making me horny.

[FARTING]

Guys, I'm free.

Dannon, what are you doing?

Tie yourself back up, bitch.

Sit your ass back in that fucking chair.

Father spits the dog cum in the mother's mouth.

The mother shits the dog cum out on the daughter.

The brother licks it off and then

they all jump down in the shit, and piss, and cum

and just fuck and suck the shit out of each other.

And then they finally stand up and say, ta da.

And then the agent says, well, that's an interesting act.

What do call yourselves?

And the father says, The Aristocrats.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[LAUGHING]

[CHEERING]

Hey, this isn't the Lipschitz, Bat Mitzvah.

But they've got some strippers over there.

[CHEERING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

Those strippers are vampires.

[SCREAMING]

[HISSING]

[SCREAMING]

The Aristocrats. You get it?

It's a joke.

[SCREAMING]

Sausage for my guts, sausage for my guts.

Put some fucking sausage in my guts.

[GLASS BREAKING]

[SCREAMING]

Was that a scream?

Yes, that was a scream.

Oh man, these girls are good.

[SCREAMING] [ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

MALE VOICE: Look out for that chicken.

It's headed straight for the stink hole.

[GASPING]

[SCREAMING]

MALE VOICE: Oh my god, he's got a cock in his ass.

[CLUCKING]

[SCREAMING]

Oh shit.

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

There's something going on.

I've got to check it out. [SCREAMING]

[DOOR SQUEAKING]

[SCREAMING]

[CROWD CHANTING "CHUG"]

What the fuck are you doing, bitch?

[SCREAMING]

Oh my god.

[SCREAMING]

[CROWD CHANTING "CHUG"]

[SCREAMING]

Oh my god, please don't fucking touch me, OK?

Stop that. Stop.

Thank you.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

[CROWD CHANTING "CHUG"]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[GURGLING]

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHTER]

The fuck is going on?

Ah.

What the fuck?

Hey Timmy, what the fuck is this?

Get out.

Guys, get out.

Timmy, what's going on?

I don't like the looks of this.

This sucks.

[KNOCKING]

Come on.

[GROWLING]

Please ladies, stop it.

[HISSING]

Really.

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

[GURGLING]

[GROWLING]

Why's it so quiet in there?

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

It's dead in there.

Hey.

[KNOCKING]

Come on, a beer or something.

It's about time.

MONSTER VOICE: Hey.

Oh god.

MONSTER VOICE: Are you Ron Jeremy?

Oh god, oh god.

[GROWLING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[BEEP]

DAD (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Hey Tim, it's your dad,

and hopefully this will be the last time you hear

from me in this shitty movie.

Got some news for you.

Grandma's dead and she left you a few million dollars

for school.

So whatever you do, don't have a stripper party.

Hope this message gets to you in time

so we can have an ironic twist in this movie.

And I'm still going to kill that fucking casting director who

put that fat kid with a raccoon in this movie

and that other kid.

Love, Dad.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So what do you say?

Let's eat.

OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello, uh, this is Oliver Stone again.

Now uh, we are at the closing of the uh, film.

You may have some questions as to why I chose it to end

in such a obscure, oblique way.

And I guess, I guess my answer is, uh, time

travel movies never make sense,

Well, we've reached the conclusion to our merriment,

"Tales From the Crapper".

And I'll tell you that in the anals of history,

there has never been a motion picture

like "Tales From the Crapper".

And what more fitting a location for the climactic

ending up of "Tales From the Crapper"

but the ground zero of independence cinema,

Park City, Utah, land of the Sundance Film Festival.

And we believe that Robert Redford himself has personally

selected "Tales From the Crapper"

to be the opening film of the 2000-what Sundance

Film Festival.

Well, that about wraps it up.

I, I don't think there's anything else left to say

except-- ah, there it is.

[SIGHING]

[GROANING]

I've been eating a lot of asparagus

up here in the mountains of Sundance

and my pee is just the right color.

Mm.

[FARTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

OLIVER STONE (VOICEOVER): Hello, this Oliver Stone.

I'd like to state for the record,

I had nothing to do with this film, "Tales From the Crapper".

In fact, this is a poor imitation of my voice

and it's further proof that it was, in fact, Lloyd Kaufman is

the naked Indian who killed President Kennedy on the lawn

that fateful day, December 32nd, 1922 in Dallas

while listening to The Doors.

[FILM REEL CLICKING]

[STRAINING]

[FARTING]