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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,083 Kaia. 2 00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:02,459 I'm gonna stand. 3 00:00:02,460 --> 00:00:03,627 I will not stand, or you're gonna have 4 00:00:03,628 --> 00:00:04,920 to move this show to the dark web. 5 00:00:07,048 --> 00:00:09,008 OK, players. Show your cards. 6 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,676 Boom! 7 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:11,844 Oh! Full house! 8 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:13,303 - Oh, my-- - Kaia wins again. 9 00:00:13,304 --> 00:00:14,763 This is not how I wanted this to go 10 00:00:14,764 --> 00:00:17,141 or how any of you will have wanted this to go. 11 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:20,269 OK, Seth has to take another item of clothing off. 12 00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:22,146 But before you're out of this game completely, 13 00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:23,814 is there anything you want to promote? 14 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,232 Well, as you can see, I'm promoting 15 00:00:25,233 --> 00:00:27,651 that my boxer shorts are from Kirkland 16 00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:30,654 and that my circumcision is from Rabbi Bregman, so... 17 00:00:30,655 --> 00:00:32,948 and he didn't do a great job, if I'm being honest. 18 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:35,993 Stop stalling. Take your shirt off. 19 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:37,244 Mm, I vote boxers off. 20 00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:38,996 - Ooh! - "This is the End," Seth. 21 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,831 Time to show us that "American Pickle," 22 00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:42,666 your "Sausage Party." 23 00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:44,501 Every movie I've done is a dick joke. 24 00:00:44,502 --> 00:00:46,378 I'm about to be the first white male comedian 25 00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:48,505 to expose himself to a bunch of women, but someone 26 00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:49,965 had to break that barrier. - Oh, yeah. 27 00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:53,844 - Whoo! - Ready? 28 00:00:57,265 --> 00:00:59,600 I'm not getting canceled today. 29 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,810 Never. You're never gonna get me. 30 00:01:04,689 --> 00:01:05,689 Do this all night. 31 00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:12,404 So I hear congratulations are in order. 32 00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:15,365 Something very exciting happened to you. 33 00:01:15,366 --> 00:01:18,368 Yes, I saw Jeremy Piven texting and driving. 34 00:01:18,369 --> 00:01:21,872 No, I'm talking about something else. 35 00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:23,665 You became a grandmother! 36 00:01:23,666 --> 00:01:25,959 Oh, that's right. 37 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,211 That happened, too. 38 00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:28,837 Would you like to see a picture? 39 00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:31,298 Yes. 40 00:01:32,967 --> 00:01:36,053 I kind of see a resemblance, don't you think? 41 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:37,888 Oh, I'm just kidding. 42 00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:39,556 Here he is. 43 00:01:39,557 --> 00:01:41,767 audience: Aw! 44 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:46,063 That little peanut is my grandson, AJ, Aidan, Jr. 45 00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:49,608 So what do you want your grandson to call you? 46 00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,735 Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought, 47 00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:54,696 and I finally arrived on... Aunt Deborah. 48 00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:57,574 All right, well, 49 00:01:57,575 --> 00:01:59,827 this one goes out to little AJ. 50 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:01,662 Welcome to Earth, little dude, 51 00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:04,373 from your Aunt Deborah and Aunt Dance Mom. 52 00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:05,874 ♪ But you been so out of touch ♪ 53 00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:07,417 ♪ Touch, touch, touch, touch ♪ 54 00:02:07,418 --> 00:02:08,585 ♪ Thought about you way too much ♪ 55 00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:10,170 ♪ Much, much, much, much ♪ 56 00:02:10,171 --> 00:02:12,923 ♪ Over overthinking us, us, us, us, us ♪ 57 00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:14,466 ♪ 'Cause you been so out of touch ♪ 58 00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:16,051 ♪ You could have had my love ♪ 59 00:02:16,052 --> 00:02:17,971 ♪ But you been so out of touch ♪ 60 00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,600 Oh. 61 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:29,690 Yeah. 62 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:31,733 I got a Mr. Heauxmeaux on line one. 63 00:02:31,734 --> 00:02:33,360 Ms. Cece. Put her through. 64 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,366 Hi, Cece. How are you? 65 00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:41,285 Hi, Jimmy. Strictly a work call. 66 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:43,370 We don't have to acknowledge we matched on Hinge. 67 00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:44,663 OK, will not. 68 00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:46,248 Just wanted to share some big news. 69 00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:48,792 Old Navy wants Dance Mom to be a brand ambassador. 70 00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:50,502 Are you serious? That's huge. 71 00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:52,504 She's been such a hit on the show that they're also 72 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:54,506 committing to a major ad buy-in for the show 73 00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:56,842 through the end of the year. - Ah, that's amazing. 74 00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,468 Deborah's gonna be thrilled, although I know 75 00:02:58,469 --> 00:02:59,928 she doesn't like the color navy 76 00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:01,638 and she hates the word "old," but still. 77 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:03,432 You'll need to hammer out the details for her fee. 78 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,100 But knowing their past deals, I think it'll be 79 00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:07,227 a big payday for you guys. 80 00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:09,062 Shit, Jimmy. 81 00:03:09,063 --> 00:03:11,607 Sorry, I have to go put out a fire over at "Chicago Fire." 82 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:13,275 Well, if you ever want to get dinner-- 83 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,987 What sucks is, I think I got sick 84 00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,698 from the thermometer itself. 85 00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:20,782 Was it a butt one? 86 00:03:20,783 --> 00:03:21,950 Oh, my God! 87 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,785 Oh, the ratings! We're in third. 88 00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:25,370 We're not last. - We're not last? 89 00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:26,455 We're not last. 90 00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:27,664 - Fuck, yeah! - Oh! 91 00:03:27,665 --> 00:03:29,499 I mean, this can only help with talent bookings, right? 92 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:30,500 Definitely. 93 00:03:30,501 --> 00:03:32,127 I'm gonna circle back with Ariana's people. 94 00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:33,503 Oh, great. Great. 95 00:03:33,504 --> 00:03:35,130 In more good news, the studio wants 96 00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:38,175 Ethan Sommers to come on to promote "Shadow Soldier." 97 00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:40,636 Seriously? Isn't he a serial pervert? 98 00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,930 Alleged serial pervert. 99 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:44,681 Oh. OK. 100 00:03:44,682 --> 00:03:46,850 Well, um, is there anyone else? 101 00:03:46,851 --> 00:03:48,518 You know, we should have a stand-up on the show. 102 00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:50,187 You could really change someone's life. 103 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,898 At this point, our priority really should be inviting 104 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:57,527 guests with built-in audiences 'cause that helps build us up. 105 00:03:57,528 --> 00:04:00,030 Let's just concentrate on our musical guests for now. 106 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,698 Perfect. 107 00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:04,785 I saw that Gucci Mane is in town, 108 00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:07,663 if anyone wants to come with me or has an in. 109 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,878 I don't know, I just think it's fat shaming. 110 00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:17,547 And I think that's fat-joke shaming. 111 00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:19,716 - Let's just do the alt. - OK. 112 00:04:19,717 --> 00:04:21,343 Oh, what are you wearing to the Christening? 113 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:24,388 Oh, probably a bulletproof vest and a hard hat. 114 00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:26,682 The church has been after me ever since I told that joke 115 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:29,351 on "Comic Relief VI." - Oh, yeah. 116 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,561 My whole set was about how being an altar boy 117 00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:33,730 seems like a great way to meet older men. 118 00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:35,565 Yeah, they're not gonna like that. 119 00:04:35,566 --> 00:04:37,401 Yeah, well, I can't believe DJ's 120 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,569 raising my grandson Catholic. 121 00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:41,905 They stalk me. They dox me. 122 00:04:41,906 --> 00:04:43,824 Mark Wahlberg still sends me a rosary 123 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:45,575 every year--as a threat! 124 00:04:45,576 --> 00:04:48,537 God. 125 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:49,788 There you two are! 126 00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:51,415 Oh, Stacey. 127 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,542 Stacey, thank God you're here. 128 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:54,751 We've been looking for you everywhere. 129 00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:56,253 We were stuck. - We were lost. 130 00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:58,130 Neither of you two thought to move the chair 131 00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,464 that's wedged in the door? 132 00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:02,551 - Whoa, that is weird. - Yeah, we didn't see that. 133 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:05,595 That'll do it. - This is a real fire hazard. 134 00:05:05,596 --> 00:05:07,889 I'm gonna have to report this to Buildings and Safety. 135 00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:11,268 - That's terrible. - So much paperwork. 136 00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:12,936 Fiddle! 137 00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:20,485 How did she find us? 138 00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:23,322 And background and action. 139 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,949 What is it, Lassie? 140 00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,659 Mama's arm got caught in the loom? 141 00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:30,287 Oh, no! 142 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,664 And cut! 143 00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,791 She was good. That girl's good. 144 00:05:34,792 --> 00:05:36,585 It's dark, this thing, though. - Hey, here you go. 145 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,587 Oh, what's this? 146 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:41,590 Um, that is a coconut and La Roche-Posay. 147 00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:43,467 OK. Uh, thank you. 148 00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:45,635 Yeah, Ms. Schaefer says skin cancer runs in her family 149 00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:47,721 and it's my job to keep her alive. 150 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:49,639 So, since you're covering for her, 151 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,183 I thought you might like them. 152 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,477 Is that young enough for you? - What are you talking about? 153 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,479 Ms. Schaefer gets upset when the coconut isn't young enough, 154 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,189 so we just try to keep her happy. 155 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,607 Because if she's not happy, 156 00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:00,442 does she go into any sort of mode? 157 00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:03,153 - Half-gorilla mode, yeah. - Yeah, got it. 158 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:06,406 I'm good. Thank you so much. - OK. 159 00:06:06,407 --> 00:06:07,949 Hey! 160 00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:09,576 Why aren't we filming? We're losing daylight. 161 00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:10,994 Kayla, where have you been? 162 00:06:10,995 --> 00:06:12,621 I've been covering for you all morning. 163 00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:14,915 Some people are doctors. Have fun! 164 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:16,291 Also, I was gonna say thank you, 165 00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:17,834 but you're too busy complaining, 166 00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:19,961 sucking down my coconut, using all my La Roche-Posay. 167 00:06:19,962 --> 00:06:21,630 Yeah, speaking of which, you can't be demanding 168 00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:23,215 stuff like this just because you're a producer. 169 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,841 All these PAs are afraid of you. 170 00:06:24,842 --> 00:06:25,967 I asked one if they'd seen you. 171 00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:27,844 He looked like he was gonna pee his pants. 172 00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:29,846 Who cares? Show him where the bathroom is. 173 00:06:29,847 --> 00:06:31,181 Call it a day. - OK. 174 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:32,391 Well, that doesn't answer my question. 175 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:33,517 Where have you been? 176 00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:35,477 I was basically babysitting Dance Mom. 177 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:36,812 She went out partying again? 178 00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,522 This woman is celebrating way too hard. 179 00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:40,482 I mean, she almost had to get her stomach pumped. 180 00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:43,360 But that mama really knows how to boot and rally. 181 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,820 Oh, my God. 182 00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:46,363 I took her phone, deleted her posts, 183 00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:47,989 got some Taco Bell in her system, 184 00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:49,449 cheesy bean burrito. 185 00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:51,368 Now she's back home sleeping like she's dead. 186 00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:53,203 But she's not dead, right? 187 00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:56,039 I mean, she was snoring like a foghorn out of both ends. 188 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,749 Had to get out of there. - Oh, my God. 189 00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,876 Dance Mom cannot be acting like this. 190 00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:02,671 She's a brand ambassador now, and we're responsible for her. 191 00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:03,922 This is--Ow! 192 00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:05,882 Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! 193 00:07:05,883 --> 00:07:07,384 - Bad Lassie! - Lassie just bit me! 194 00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:08,844 Medic! Medic! 195 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:10,887 Fuck, I cannot believe this is happening again. 196 00:07:10,888 --> 00:07:12,514 What do you mean, again? 197 00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:14,224 Please don't be mad at me, OK? 198 00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:15,851 But, yeah, you're the third person she's bitten on set. 199 00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:17,894 What? That's a liability issue, Kayla. 200 00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:19,229 Yeah, I know. It's really bad. 201 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:20,689 She's, like, crazy super violent. 202 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,482 But we only have four days left to shoot, 203 00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:24,568 so we can't put her down yet. 204 00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:25,944 Ow. Ooh, ow. 205 00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:27,612 God, she really got you! 206 00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,614 By the way, her owners are anti-vax. 207 00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:32,075 Yeah, you're gonna need a lot of shots. 208 00:07:32,076 --> 00:07:33,368 ♪ You gotta fight it ♪ 209 00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:36,246 ♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo ♪ 210 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:37,622 ♪ Fight, yeah ♪ 211 00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:39,249 ♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo ♪ 212 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,084 ♪ Yeah ♪ 213 00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:43,753 Here you go. 214 00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:47,257 Yeah. - Oh, my God. 215 00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:48,592 Hi, little fella. 216 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:50,427 You're much cuter in person. 217 00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:53,763 I'm your grandma... 218 00:07:53,764 --> 00:07:55,557 Aunt Deborah. 219 00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:57,309 Well, you know you're gonna have to give him 220 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,602 self-defense lessons. 221 00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:00,729 You know, 'cause if he becomes an altar boy, 222 00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:03,440 he's gonna have to be ready. - Can--all right. 223 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,775 This is very important to Aidan and his family, OK? 224 00:08:05,776 --> 00:08:08,153 I'm not gonna negate my husband's entire belief system 225 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:11,406 'cause you had some ancient beef with a dead pope. 226 00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:12,532 All right? 227 00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:15,285 Can you please just be cool, just for one day? 228 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,286 Yeah, absolutely. 229 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,871 I will be cool with you 230 00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:19,873 turning this innocent baby into a papist. 231 00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:21,249 Thank you. 232 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:22,459 Which, interestingly enough, 233 00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,127 is just one letter away from rapist. 234 00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:25,962 OK, we are not doing this today. 235 00:08:25,963 --> 00:08:27,672 - OK. - No, we're not going to. 236 00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,132 We're not gonna do it today. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 237 00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:30,300 I was just trying to help. 238 00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:32,135 OK, well, if you want to help, go steam the bonnet. 239 00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:34,179 Yeah. I can do that. 240 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:37,265 Guess what. Guess what. 241 00:08:37,266 --> 00:08:39,684 I want to introduce you to someone special. 242 00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:43,522 Meet your Auntie Ava. 243 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,316 Ooh! 244 00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,276 Oh! 245 00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:52,989 Oh. Holy shit. 246 00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:56,826 Beautiful baby, hot husband, thriving career-- 247 00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:58,245 women can have it all. 248 00:08:58,246 --> 00:08:59,955 I mean, bitches need to stop complaining. 249 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,790 Totally. Look, as a single, childless woman 250 00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,333 who lives in a mall, I agree. - Right? 251 00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,252 Anyway, I did not come empty-handed. 252 00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:07,837 I bought AJ some baby books. - What? 253 00:09:07,838 --> 00:09:10,966 Let's see what we got. "A is for Allyship." 254 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,759 OK. 255 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:16,096 "One Fish, Two Fish, Gay Fish, They Fish." 256 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,347 Huh. 257 00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:19,474 And the little one, "Ronny Goes Potty Where?" 258 00:09:19,475 --> 00:09:22,310 is about gender-neutral bathroom use. 259 00:09:22,311 --> 00:09:24,145 I cried when I saw it at the bookstore. 260 00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:26,982 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 261 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,149 Well, I love it. 262 00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:29,359 Thank you so much for the gift. 263 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,694 And you know what? 264 00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,404 I actually have a gift for you, too. 265 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,825 Aidan and I wanted to see if you would be AJ's godmother. 266 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,536 Oh, my God. Are--are you serious? 267 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:40,829 Is this real? 268 00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:42,706 As real as the topaz on my limited-edition 269 00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:44,708 D'Jewelry cross. 270 00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:46,835 Oh, my God, I-- Wow. 271 00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:47,919 I-I'm honored. 272 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,879 I would love to. Yes, I accept. 273 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,381 Yes? Yay! 274 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,549 Oh, yay. 275 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,845 I'm gonna get him a teeny, tiny little jacket. 276 00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,096 OK. 277 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,395 Hi. 278 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:08,398 - Oh! - God, Kayla! Jesus Christ! 279 00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,817 - You scared me! - You scared me! 280 00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:13,570 How did you get into my house? - We share a cleaning lady. 281 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,905 What, like, I'm not gonna have her make me a key? 282 00:10:15,906 --> 00:10:17,240 OK, this is a violation. 283 00:10:17,241 --> 00:10:19,409 We got to hire an HR person today. 284 00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:21,328 It's urgent. Did Cece CC you? 285 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:22,746 Did Cece CC me? 286 00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,539 Did you check your email? 287 00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,499 Kayla, you know that I don't look at a screen 288 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,668 until after I have a full glass of lemon water. 289 00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:30,253 OK, diva. Well, guess what. 290 00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:32,130 Old Navy is revoking their offer to Dance Mom. 291 00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:33,923 - No. What? Why? - Yeah. 292 00:10:33,924 --> 00:10:35,759 Because they said that they found some "troubling posts" 293 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,928 on her social media that don't mesh well with Old Navy values. 294 00:10:38,929 --> 00:10:40,764 I thought you scrubbed her social media. 295 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,766 I did! But I missed her Pinterest. 296 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:45,101 Excuse me, how can a Pinterest board be troubling? 297 00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:46,728 The stuff she was pinning was nuts! 298 00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:49,105 Softcore BDSM, hardcore ASMR, 299 00:10:49,106 --> 00:10:50,649 women throwing peanut butter on themselves-- 300 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:53,109 I hope it was peanut butter. - Ew, what? 301 00:10:53,110 --> 00:10:56,446 Cake farts, a lot of rugby fails. 302 00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:57,947 What is a rugby fail? 303 00:10:57,948 --> 00:11:00,116 It's when a rugby player falls and one of his balls 304 00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:01,993 pops out of his tiny shorts. - Fuck. 305 00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,453 All right, we got to go take care of this. 306 00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:05,080 Let me just get my water. - OK, hurry! 307 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:06,581 Also, you're having a rugby fail. 308 00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:07,957 What? 309 00:11:07,958 --> 00:11:10,710 Marcus. OK, pretty in pink. 310 00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,712 Holy Trinity is back, baby. 311 00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:14,798 Oh, I'm the ghost one. 312 00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:16,132 Congratulations, Deborah. 313 00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:17,634 Thanks, sweetie. 314 00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:19,636 Oh, I see Aidan. I should go say hi. 315 00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:21,262 Yeah, good. 316 00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:24,224 So? You don't call? You don't write? 317 00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:25,642 I texted you yesterday. 318 00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,643 You did? 319 00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:28,228 Oh, my phone's been on silent. 320 00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:30,730 Well, I want a good seat, so I'm going in. 321 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,692 You look great and relaxed. 322 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:34,984 Oh, thank you. 323 00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,486 My hair's starting to grow back. 324 00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:38,321 Oh! OK. 325 00:11:38,322 --> 00:11:40,281 Wow, yeah, that's-- I can--I believe you. 326 00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:41,825 It's just baby hairs for now, 327 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:43,284 but it's definitely regenerating. 328 00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:44,786 Yeah, totally. 329 00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,663 Hey, pretty soon, you'll have dandruff like me. 330 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:49,541 Can you believe DJ had a fucking kid? 331 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,792 No. 332 00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:16,359 I baptize you, Aidan Callum Paladecki, Jr., 333 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,487 in the name of the Father 334 00:12:19,488 --> 00:12:21,990 and of the Son 335 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,783 and of the Holy Spirit. 336 00:12:26,203 --> 00:12:29,497 This priest has no stage presence, am I right? 337 00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:32,041 Total snooze fest. 338 00:12:32,042 --> 00:12:34,377 Behold the Lamb of God. 339 00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:37,672 Behold Him who takes away the sins of the world. 340 00:12:37,673 --> 00:12:40,925 Blessed are those called to the supper of the Lamb. 341 00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:44,012 congregation: Lord, I am not worthy that you should, 342 00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:48,642 but only say the word, and my soul shall be healed. 343 00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,903 - Body of Christ. - Amen. 344 00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,537 Body of Christ. - Amen. 345 00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:12,415 - Blood of Christ. - Body of Christ. 346 00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:13,833 Amen. 347 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:16,586 - Blood of Christ. - Amen. 348 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:19,131 - Body of Christ. - Amen. 349 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,259 No. 350 00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,595 No, Mom, you may not receive Communion. 351 00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:28,765 When the hell did you become a Eucharistic minister? 352 00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:30,683 How do you even know what that is? 353 00:13:30,684 --> 00:13:32,727 "Know thy enemy." That's from the Bible. 354 00:13:32,728 --> 00:13:34,103 No, that's from "The Art of War," 355 00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:35,855 which I know because you made me read it 356 00:13:35,856 --> 00:13:37,106 when I was in the fourth grade. 357 00:13:37,107 --> 00:13:38,733 That's right. You're welcome. 358 00:13:41,403 --> 00:13:42,779 Body of Christ. 359 00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:45,573 There you go. 360 00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:47,617 - Body of Christ. - Blood of Christ. 361 00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:49,118 Mm. 362 00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,456 Ugh. Ooh, that's not bad. 363 00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:55,250 Mo-- 364 00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:57,126 - Mm. - Mom, come on! 365 00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:58,419 Stop it. - Let go. 366 00:13:58,420 --> 00:13:59,754 - Stop it. - Let go. 367 00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:01,506 - Ladies, please. - Those crackers are dry! 368 00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:02,799 Speaking of dry-- 369 00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:07,095 Jesus fucking Christ! 370 00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:09,305 Sorry. Sorry. 371 00:14:09,306 --> 00:14:10,932 You know, if you believe that magic, 372 00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,600 you can get your guy to turn that back into water. 373 00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,477 - Mom! - What? 374 00:14:14,478 --> 00:14:17,272 Forgive us, Father. 375 00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:21,193 We'll be right back. 376 00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:26,322 Just let go. - That's it! You listen to me. 377 00:14:26,323 --> 00:14:28,074 You listen to me very carefully. 378 00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:31,077 All my life, you have ruined every major event... 379 00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:32,620 - Wha-- - Every birthday party, 380 00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:35,164 prom, the grand opening of Wet Seal! 381 00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:36,958 But you know what? I'm fine with it. 382 00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,251 I've made my peace with it. 383 00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:41,629 But you will not ruin anything for him. 384 00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,006 Do you understand me? 385 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:45,675 The cycle of narcissism stops here. 386 00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:46,843 Or else. 387 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,511 Oh, you're threatening me? 388 00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:50,471 You sound just like Pope John Paul II. 389 00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:52,348 Yeah, I am, 390 00:14:52,349 --> 00:14:55,059 because if you ruin anything for my gorgeous, 391 00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:57,562 perfect genius baby, so help me God, 392 00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:00,523 I will go something known as LC... 393 00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:02,817 low contact... 394 00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:06,529 or NC, no contact. 395 00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:09,157 And you will have no relationship with him 396 00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:11,534 or me, period. 397 00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:13,036 You understand? 398 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,496 Don't answer! 399 00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:19,667 You're in time-out, little girl. 400 00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:40,813 "Jurassic Park." 401 00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:55,829 - This is Dance Mom's rental? - I know, right? 402 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:03,795 Oof. 403 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:05,213 - Hi. - Hey. 404 00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:07,256 Hey, you guys. 405 00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:08,257 Come on in. 406 00:16:08,258 --> 00:16:10,426 OK. 407 00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:12,929 - Oh, my God. - Place is huge. 408 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:15,390 Yeah. 10 or 12 bedrooms, I think. 409 00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:18,434 Um, you might want to close your robe a little bit. 410 00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:19,727 We can see your chichas. 411 00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:21,896 I'm just airing everything out. 412 00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:24,023 Frederick's of Hollywood just rides up 413 00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:26,776 and suffocates the goods. 414 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,945 Holy shit. What is the rent on this place? 415 00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,446 25K. 416 00:16:30,447 --> 00:16:33,032 You're spending $25,000 a month? 417 00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:35,910 - No, a week. - Oh. 418 00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:40,456 I'm renting from Adam Levine and Behati... 419 00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:41,457 Behati. 420 00:16:41,458 --> 00:16:43,251 Adam's been really cool. 421 00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,044 I just have to Venmo him if I want to extend another week. 422 00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:47,922 And we've been... texting. 423 00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:49,966 - Oh. - Oh, my God. 424 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,010 Maybe just direct deposit him or something? 425 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:56,097 - Yeah. - Looks like you had a party. 426 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:57,473 OK. 427 00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:58,641 So what's going on? 428 00:16:58,642 --> 00:16:59,642 More good news? 429 00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,477 Bad news, actually. 430 00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:04,981 Old Navy is revoking your deal because of your social media. 431 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:06,482 Oh, well, their loss. 432 00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,151 No, our loss--your loss. 433 00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,987 They just took back $1 million. 434 00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:13,114 Sucks for them. I already spent it. 435 00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,199 You already spent a million dollars? 436 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,452 Yeah, girl, it's not hard when you're living it up. 437 00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:19,162 It's been 48 hours. 438 00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:20,747 LA is expensive. 439 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:22,999 Shit. - Oh, my God. 440 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,251 Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Stop! Stop! 441 00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:27,171 That's bad! That's bad for you! 442 00:17:35,262 --> 00:17:38,306 Steve Nash. 443 00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:40,099 That's really dangerous, OK? 444 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:41,517 And think about your children. 445 00:17:41,518 --> 00:17:42,852 What kind of example are you setting for them? 446 00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:44,687 Oops, I guess I should tell you, 447 00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:46,981 I don't have any kids. 448 00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:50,318 - What? - That I know of. 449 00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:52,570 Yes, you do. You're Dance Mom. 450 00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:53,988 That's just my screen name. 451 00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:56,657 I wanted to go with Mother of Dance, 452 00:17:56,658 --> 00:18:00,203 but that was already taken by some Janet Jackson freak fan. 453 00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:03,206 And so I'm Dance Mom. 454 00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:05,875 It's not my fault if people assume I have kids. 455 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:08,002 Sorry, but it's absolutely your fault. 456 00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:09,712 You are constantly talking about how much 457 00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:11,380 you love your kids in your videos. 458 00:18:11,381 --> 00:18:13,758 I'm talking about my dances. 459 00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:16,260 My dances are my kids. 460 00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:19,680 I'm Dance Mom, Mother of Dance! 461 00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:23,684 What are you not understanding about this? 462 00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:29,899 I'm so sorry. 463 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,026 I haven't offered you anything to drink. 464 00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:34,570 Y'all want a BuzzBall? 465 00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:39,033 I have green and white flavor. 466 00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:40,993 I mean, I guess I'll take a green. 467 00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:42,411 No, thank you. 468 00:18:42,412 --> 00:18:44,330 We're not having a BuzzBall. We're good. 469 00:18:44,331 --> 00:18:48,084 That's my new Ducati. 470 00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:50,753 Adam says he wants a picture of me on it. 471 00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:52,046 Ew! 472 00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:54,257 Oh, my God. 473 00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:56,467 It's a hard choice, I know. 474 00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:59,137 Why don't you pray on it? 475 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,597 Blessings. 476 00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:08,062 May I be taken out of time-out? 477 00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:09,814 Depends. 478 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,150 What do you have to say for yourself? 479 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:16,112 That I've heard you, and I would never, 480 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:19,574 ever ruin anything for him. 481 00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:20,783 Good. 482 00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:24,287 And if that is true, then you may remain in RC, 483 00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,747 regular contact. 484 00:19:26,748 --> 00:19:29,125 You know, DJ, I know you think that this is all 485 00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:33,254 about my personal beef, 486 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:36,465 but there's a lot about all of this 487 00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:37,967 that I am not wild about. 488 00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:39,427 Yeah, I understand that. 489 00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:41,429 But, listen, I just want to give my son 490 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:42,722 what I wish I had as a kid. 491 00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:44,432 I gave you plenty of access to gay men 492 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:45,808 in robes who loved singing. 493 00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:47,143 I didn't have a community 494 00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:48,311 growing up like Aidan. 495 00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:49,937 And I was a really lonely kid. 496 00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:51,814 You were surrounded by comics 497 00:19:51,815 --> 00:19:54,025 in every greenroom we ever visited. 498 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:56,152 I mean, you and Dennis Miller were pen pals. 499 00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,695 - And that was weird! - Why? 500 00:19:57,696 --> 00:20:00,031 Oh, ugh, you know what? Let's just--let's stop. 501 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,657 Let's stop talking about that, OK? 502 00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:03,201 - OK. - The bottom line is, 503 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,036 this is important to Aidan and his family. 504 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:07,455 And I don't think that you should be criticizing people 505 00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:08,831 for believing in something 506 00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:13,669 when you have never believed in anything. 507 00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:15,213 OK. 508 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,840 Um, look, I mean, maybe I don't. 509 00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:21,552 I--but, I mean, do you believe in this, really? 510 00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:23,471 Oh, no. 511 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:27,016 No. No, I believe in this. 512 00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:29,477 A... 513 00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:31,771 chunky crucifix. 514 00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:35,024 No, this gorgeous cross made out of hematite. 515 00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,275 Now, hematite 516 00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:38,527 is just a normal-looking mineral, right? 517 00:20:38,528 --> 00:20:40,446 But if you toss it in a tumbler for a few days, 518 00:20:40,447 --> 00:20:42,865 it turns into this beautiful, shiny stone. 519 00:20:42,866 --> 00:20:44,533 Right? - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 520 00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:47,828 Did you know they found hematite on Mars? 521 00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:49,705 I mean, what does that even mean? 522 00:20:49,706 --> 00:20:51,123 I-I don't know. 523 00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:53,376 And did you know that seashells 524 00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:56,212 grow in the same pattern as the Fibonacci sequence? 525 00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:57,546 Mm. 526 00:20:57,547 --> 00:20:59,257 Are you seriously gonna tell me 527 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,675 that there's not a higher power 528 00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:04,428 when we are surrounded by all of this crazy, freaky, 529 00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:05,888 natural hidden beauty? 530 00:21:05,889 --> 00:21:07,556 This still doesn't explain why you became 531 00:21:07,557 --> 00:21:10,434 a Eucharistic minister in a Roman Catholic church. 532 00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:11,727 Oh, that's marketing. 533 00:21:11,728 --> 00:21:13,271 Oh, yeah, I'm getting face time with new customers 534 00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,689 every single Sunday. 535 00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:16,232 I've sold more product in two months 536 00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:18,109 than I have in the last three years combined. 537 00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,945 Whoa. OK, I-I can get behind that. 538 00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,697 Oh, yeah, these Jesus freaks, 539 00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:25,241 they come with a lot of cash for the collection basket. 540 00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:27,076 They're sitting ducks. 541 00:21:27,077 --> 00:21:28,869 Why didn't you tell me this before? 542 00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,162 I don't know. 543 00:21:30,163 --> 00:21:32,248 Maybe my religion is pissing you off. 544 00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:34,917 Hmm. That would explain the eye shadow you're wearing. 545 00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:36,919 You looking to go back to NC? 546 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,546 Mm-mm, no. I like RC. 547 00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:40,548 OK, I'd walk away before you say something stupid. 548 00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:41,674 OK. 549 00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:43,259 Why don't you hit that confessional booth? 550 00:21:44,761 --> 00:21:47,221 Dude, being in a Catholic church 551 00:21:47,222 --> 00:21:49,265 is just reminding me of all the stuff 552 00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:51,559 I just do not fuck with-- 553 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,562 the ingrained misogyny, the rampant abuse, 554 00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:57,148 forcing children to read Latin. 555 00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:58,441 Oh. 556 00:21:58,442 --> 00:22:00,985 But don't tell anybody, 'cause I'm the godmother. 557 00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,278 That's major. 558 00:22:02,279 --> 00:22:04,113 My godfather, Scott, was the best. 559 00:22:04,114 --> 00:22:05,948 He was so smart and accomplished. 560 00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:07,575 He taught me long division early, 561 00:22:07,576 --> 00:22:09,785 so when we got to it in school, I secretly already knew how. 562 00:22:09,786 --> 00:22:11,787 Just destroyed everyone in class. 563 00:22:11,788 --> 00:22:13,956 Bam, bam, bam! - Whoa. 564 00:22:13,957 --> 00:22:16,083 I haven't done math in, like, nine years. 565 00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:18,169 I'm more of a verbal-skills bitch. 566 00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:20,254 Huh. 567 00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:23,591 And he helped me figure out how to come out to my family. 568 00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:25,801 I don't know what I would have done without him. 569 00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:28,596 OK, this is sounding like a lot of responsibility. 570 00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:30,389 You're kind of freaking me out. 571 00:22:30,390 --> 00:22:31,891 Oh. 572 00:22:31,892 --> 00:22:34,268 Ava, honey, there is no reason to be freaked out. 573 00:22:34,269 --> 00:22:36,479 You'll never be as good as Scott. 574 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,647 He's a member of Mensa. 575 00:22:38,648 --> 00:22:41,650 OK, OK, OK, enough. Let's--let's go back inside. 576 00:22:41,651 --> 00:22:43,069 You go. I'ma head out. 577 00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,820 What? No! 578 00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:46,655 You cannot get me high and then ditch me. 579 00:22:46,656 --> 00:22:47,823 We're in this together. 580 00:22:47,824 --> 00:22:48,824 We are not. 581 00:22:48,825 --> 00:22:50,910 I just realized I can leave. 582 00:22:50,911 --> 00:22:52,828 There were so many years where I would have to be 583 00:22:52,829 --> 00:22:56,457 right back in that church, but now I don't. 584 00:22:56,458 --> 00:22:58,793 See you around. - Marcus. 585 00:22:58,794 --> 00:23:01,670 No. 586 00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:05,007 Thank you guys so much for coming, again. 587 00:23:05,008 --> 00:23:06,801 - Of course. - We really appreciate it. 588 00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:07,968 Yeah. Bye. 589 00:23:07,969 --> 00:23:10,137 Hey, I'm really sorry to renege, 590 00:23:10,138 --> 00:23:11,347 but I do not have what it takes 591 00:23:11,348 --> 00:23:13,015 to be a single working godmother. 592 00:23:13,016 --> 00:23:14,517 What are you talking about? 593 00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:16,227 I'm not stable at all. I'm a lunatic, OK? 594 00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:17,686 I had a psychotic break at work. 595 00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:19,522 I smoked weed at a baptism-- this one. 596 00:23:19,523 --> 00:23:21,816 I can't do long division at all. 597 00:23:21,817 --> 00:23:23,401 I'm so sorry, but the deal's off. 598 00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:25,236 I don't need you to teach him long division. 599 00:23:25,237 --> 00:23:26,821 I'm not raising a nerd. 600 00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:28,406 Still, if you guys die, 601 00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:31,200 I am not the right person to be his spiritual guide 602 00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:32,701 or his legal guardian. 603 00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:34,370 I don't need you to be his spiritual guide. 604 00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:36,163 He's got me. 605 00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:38,624 And if we die, Aidan's parents are gonna take care of him, 606 00:23:38,625 --> 00:23:39,667 not you. 607 00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:42,378 Oh. OK. Yeah, that's better. 608 00:23:42,379 --> 00:23:44,296 I asked you to be his godmother 609 00:23:44,297 --> 00:23:46,215 'cause you understand my mom. 610 00:23:46,216 --> 00:23:48,050 Oh. 611 00:23:48,051 --> 00:23:51,846 You believe in a version of her that I never could. 612 00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:55,141 I want him to know that version, not mine. 613 00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:58,352 It's too clouded with my own bullshit with her. 614 00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:02,022 I wish I could have the relationship 615 00:24:02,023 --> 00:24:05,192 that you guys have, but I can't. 616 00:24:05,193 --> 00:24:08,404 So I think you'd be the perfect person for the job. 617 00:24:10,615 --> 00:24:12,241 OK, I can do that. 618 00:24:17,372 --> 00:24:19,790 My mom's nuts. 619 00:24:19,791 --> 00:24:21,375 Hey, can you sneak back in there 620 00:24:21,376 --> 00:24:23,127 and fill this with holy water for me? 621 00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:24,753 Holy water? 622 00:24:24,754 --> 00:24:26,589 My next line of D'Crosses that I'm designing 623 00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:28,257 has little vials of the stuff in it, 624 00:24:28,258 --> 00:24:30,426 but I can't risk getting caught, you know, 625 00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:32,761 and getting stripped of my Eucharistic ministership. 626 00:24:32,762 --> 00:24:36,348 They're very strict... about some things. 627 00:24:36,349 --> 00:24:38,184 Godmama got you. 628 00:24:38,185 --> 00:24:39,518 Thank you. 629 00:24:49,571 --> 00:24:53,115 What's wrong, Aunt Deborah? 630 00:24:53,116 --> 00:24:57,286 Oh, DJ accused me of not believing in anything. 631 00:24:57,287 --> 00:24:59,205 I don't know. 632 00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:02,082 I was just thinking about that. 633 00:25:02,083 --> 00:25:04,126 Well, everybody believes in something. 634 00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:06,420 Like, what do you think happens when we die? 635 00:25:06,421 --> 00:25:08,464 Well, I don't believe in heaven. 636 00:25:08,465 --> 00:25:09,465 Totally. 637 00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:11,300 But I do believe in hell. 638 00:25:11,301 --> 00:25:13,802 - What? - Oh. Oh, yeah. 639 00:25:13,803 --> 00:25:16,096 No, there's got to be a place where truly wicked people-- 640 00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:18,766 and I'm talking, you know, pedophiles, murderers, 641 00:25:18,767 --> 00:25:20,351 tax auditors-- 642 00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:22,978 are punished for their horrific crimes here on Earth. 643 00:25:22,979 --> 00:25:24,772 Heaven is fake, but hell is real. 644 00:25:24,773 --> 00:25:26,148 We need that on T-shirts. 645 00:25:26,149 --> 00:25:27,525 Great. 646 00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:30,152 That T-shirt will be my legacy. 647 00:25:30,153 --> 00:25:32,321 Give one to little AJ. 648 00:25:32,322 --> 00:25:34,532 It'll be the only thing he learns from his grandmother. 649 00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:36,409 What do you mean? 650 00:25:37,827 --> 00:25:41,163 My grandson is gonna be a Catholic 651 00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:44,751 living in another state with somebody else's last name. 652 00:25:49,756 --> 00:25:52,007 I promise you, he will know you. 653 00:25:52,008 --> 00:25:55,469 Well, I hope I'm around long enough that he gets to. 654 00:25:55,470 --> 00:25:56,845 You will be. 655 00:25:56,846 --> 00:25:58,681 And you have this incredibly rare thing. 656 00:25:58,682 --> 00:26:01,016 You have an amazing body of work that he can always see. 657 00:26:01,017 --> 00:26:03,435 That's another way he'll know you. 658 00:26:03,436 --> 00:26:05,437 That's why we have to be sure we're making 659 00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:06,898 the best show we can. 660 00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:11,360 What about you? What do you believe? 661 00:26:11,361 --> 00:26:12,403 I don't know. 662 00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:14,196 I think, when we die, 663 00:26:14,197 --> 00:26:17,324 our bodies just become useless husks. 664 00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:19,243 That's why I'm always saying, fuck my corpse. 665 00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:20,744 Excuse me. What? 666 00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:22,496 OK, sorry. 667 00:26:22,497 --> 00:26:24,665 Make love to my corpse. 668 00:26:24,666 --> 00:26:26,584 OK, you can get out now. 669 00:26:26,585 --> 00:26:29,337 OK, could you just drop me off by that Aritzia? 670 00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:32,590 Well... 671 00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:35,217 Peace be with you. 672 00:26:35,218 --> 00:26:38,012 And also with you. 673 00:26:40,348 --> 00:26:42,850 You know, I think you do believe in something. 674 00:27:17,218 --> 00:27:19,136 My name's Ahamed Weinberg. 675 00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:21,221 That's my real name. 676 00:27:21,222 --> 00:27:23,098 My dad's a Jew who converted to Islam. 677 00:27:23,099 --> 00:27:26,268 He's the only one to do that. 678 00:27:26,269 --> 00:27:29,772 My mom's white, too. She converted from Catholicism. 679 00:27:29,773 --> 00:27:31,440 The answering machine in my house growing up 680 00:27:31,441 --> 00:27:33,817 was, "As-salaam alaikum. You've reached the Weinbergs." 681 00:27:33,818 --> 00:27:35,944 That's true. 682 00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:37,112 "Please leave a message." 683 00:27:37,113 --> 00:27:39,448 Nobody left a message ever. 684 00:27:39,449 --> 00:27:40,699 Have fun, dude. 685 00:27:40,700 --> 00:27:43,369 Hey. 686 00:27:43,370 --> 00:27:45,579 - Uh, hey. - Great set. 687 00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:46,789 Thank you so much. 688 00:27:46,790 --> 00:27:48,457 It's--it's so nice to meet you. 689 00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:50,292 You're welcome. Nice to meet you, too. 690 00:27:50,293 --> 00:27:52,461 What are you doing Friday? 691 00:27:52,462 --> 00:27:54,630 Does anyone here believe in God, by the way? 692 00:27:54,631 --> 00:27:56,090 - Yeah! - Whoo! 693 00:27:56,091 --> 00:27:57,633 OK, a few guys. 694 00:27:57,634 --> 00:27:58,926 Does anyone here believe in ghosts? 695 00:27:58,927 --> 00:28:00,719 Yes, sir! 696 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:02,304 Way more. That's so weird. 697 00:28:03,598 --> 00:28:04,807 That's very LA. 698 00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:05,974 Do you believe in God? No. 699 00:28:05,975 --> 00:28:07,476 Do you believe in ghosts? Oh, yeah. 700 00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:10,270 Dude, I don't believe in a man in the sky. 701 00:28:10,271 --> 00:28:11,647 I'm not stupid. 702 00:28:11,648 --> 00:28:13,649 But there is a guy in the kitchen, for sure. 703 00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:16,985 All right, guys, that's my time. 704 00:28:16,986 --> 00:28:18,654 Thank you so much. Really appreciate it. 705 00:28:18,655 --> 00:28:19,988 Thank you. 706 00:28:19,989 --> 00:28:21,615 Come over! Come over. 707 00:28:24,703 --> 00:28:28,372 Give it up for Ahamed Weinberg! 708 00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:44,471 ♪ That's how the good Lord works ♪ 709 00:28:44,472 --> 00:28:46,598 ♪ That's how He works ♪ 710 00:28:46,599 --> 00:28:53,188 ♪ That's how the good Lord works ♪ 711 00:28:53,189 --> 00:28:55,315 ♪ That's how He works ♪ 712 00:28:55,316 --> 00:28:59,945 ♪ We must not question the good Lord ♪ 713 00:28:59,946 --> 00:29:04,116 ♪ Have faith in God and trust His word ♪ 714 00:29:04,117 --> 00:29:05,534 ♪ We don't know how ♪ 715 00:29:05,535 --> 00:29:07,536 ♪ We don't know when ♪ 716 00:29:07,537 --> 00:29:09,371 ♪ To see this day ♪ 717 00:29:09,372 --> 00:29:13,041 ♪ Whom we shall serve ♪ 718 00:29:13,042 --> 00:29:17,588 ♪ We must not question the good Lord ♪ 719 00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:22,050 ♪ Have faith in God and trust His word ♪ 720 00:29:22,051 --> 00:29:23,594 ♪ We don't know how ♪ 721 00:29:23,595 --> 00:29:25,387 ♪ We don't know when ♪ 722 00:29:25,388 --> 00:29:27,097 ♪ To see this day ♪ 723 00:29:27,098 --> 00:29:30,893 ♪ Whom we shall serve ♪ 724 00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:37,441 ♪ Ooh ♪ 725 00:29:39,611 --> 00:29:46,241 ♪ Ooh ♪ 726 00:29:48,536 --> 00:29:55,042 ♪ Ooh ♪ 51914

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