Original subtitles

[Clanging]

You keep out of my clean house, you hear me, ortho.

That sign there says "clean and honorable,"

and you ain't the one or the other.

Don't come out of your class with Mamie Scully, ortho.

Don't you know that?

Well, I ain't noticed her putting on

no vanilla extract for you.

You just stand back and give me room.

Courtin' is my strength.

[Shouting]

I've told you a thousand times

to stay clear of my roof, Skinner Graydon.

And take your posies with you.

It'd take a whole wagonload of roses

to cover the smell of mules about you.

But mamie, darlin'...

Well, 'tisn't like you ain't exactly

in her class neither.

Looks like you're gonna have to trade them mules of yours

for a wagon load of roses.

[Chuckles] "Mamie, darlin'."

You went and done it again, didn't ya?

Dancin'?

Major.

Do you men realize there's a war on?

You should be loading supplies for General Taylor.

I thought I told you to--

good evening, Mrs. Scully.

Major Roberts.

How very nice of you to ask me for dinner.

Come in. Come in.

Thank you.

Brass button uniform.

It'll spark a widow every time.

"Don't you men realize there's a war on?"

[Scoffs]

Brass button don't never won no war that I know about,

but it sure come to a whistling stop

if they're wasn't no mules, I'll tell you that.

[Sighs]

Howdy, folks. I'm the Old Ranger.

During the Civil War,

the great battles of Bull Run, Antietam, and Gettysburg

overshadowed anything that happened

west of the Mississippi.

Yet history tells us that when the confederates of Texas

invaded the territory of New Mexico,

an incident occurred--

one of the most bizarre of the Civil War, called...

Here.

Take that. It'll make it all better.

Ah, attagirl.

Girl?

Since when they got girl mules?

Well, you know she ain't and I know it,

but she don't know it.

Somethin' kinda sad about bein' a mule.

Not bein' neither a male or a female,

gives them the melancholies.

Think of all the problems they ain't got.

The way you fuss over 'em gives me the melancholies.

Well, maybe you'd better fuss with that wagon a little more.

Give it a handful of grease and a couple of stovebolts.

It's about to rickety away.

Squeakin' wheels ain't what draws

these blasted flies around here.

Smart aleck.

I ain't never had me no kinfolk...

Till I got me some mules.

I wonder who's winnin' the war back east.

I don't know, and I don't care.

Well, you're a soldier, ain't ya?

I mean, we're both against the rebs, ain't we?

Haulin' supplies every now and again for the army,

ain't what I call "soldierin'."

I ain't mad at nobody.

There's a fella that come through the port the other day,

said they is fightin' up a storm, back east.

You'll never catch mules doin' anything that stupid.

Fred, now you stay where you are.

[Mule brays]

That mule sticks closer to you

than a foxtail in a sock.

Been that way since he's three-days-old.

I'm the only kin he ever had.

I always figured there's a mite of jackass in you.

I told you, down in front of Mamie's house,

not to say "jackass"--

--that word in front of my mules,

and I mean it.

I saw Mamie this mornin' over at the blacksmith's.

Say anything about me?

Said that we was to quit fussin'

in front of her house every night.

That if a fella wanted to call on her proper,

he had to dress, act, and smell like a gentleman,

and not roll around in the street,

afore he got there.

[Scoffs] Brass buttons--

that's what she's shined up to.

But ortho...

Ain't she just about

the prettiest thing you've ever saw?

You're kinda high on her, ain't ya?

I'm fixing to marry me that little Irish gal

one of these days.

Skinner!

Major Roberts wants you and ortho

ready to move out at a minute's notice.

Where we goin' to?

Well, the whole platoon's leaving now.

You and ortho are to meet us at Wild Walnut Grove.

What's in the wind?

Well, there's a detachment of renegade rebs

moved into Valverde Gap,

blocking off our supply line to town.

You told me there weren't no rebs in Mexico.

You better get crackin'. Come on, baby.

When I...

Offered to help out the army,

I didn't figure on no fightin'.

I-I don't fight to kill.

Me neither.

Hey!

Maybe this'll give me a chance to prove to Mamie

I can be somebody.

Whoa.

Here, hold my mules. I'll be back in a minute.

A man could get his head broken

in less time.

Mamie?

Be right there.

Skinner Graydon, how many times am I gonna have to tell you?

Take your mule hide away from my buildin'.

Now, wait a minute, Mamie darlin'--

get!

But Mamie...

I'm goin' off to war.

War? You?

Yes, ma'am.

Major Roberts and me,

we're movin' to stop the rebs at Valverde Gap.

It's true then.

The Confederates are in New Mexico?

Renegades are comin' up the Rio Grande.

Heaven have mercy.

Why are you joining the Major?

You're not in the army.

I'm tryin' to tell you,

the "U.S. of A." Army are puttin' me in command

of the supply party.

Good luck to you and your supply party.

That all you gonna say?

With you and that pack of mules out ot town,

maybe a decent body will get a breath of fresh air

for a change.

A man could get hurt, you know.

Maybe even killed.

Skinner Graydon...

Hold your ground.

Skinner...

It's not that I don't like you.

It's just that a decent woman wants

a man she can be proud of,

a man who can take her out among friends,

not a grizzly old mule, Skinner,

who'd just as soon sleep in the same stalls

with the beasts as not.

Golly Bill, they got feelings too.

A woman has got to respect her man.

He's got to try to be somebody.

Oh, he does, does he?

Well, I'll be somebody.

I might just decide

to become a dadgum hero at Valverde Gap!

Now, what do you think of that?

A man don't need no brass button uniform

to be a dadgum hero.

They got themselves nicely dug-in

down there at Valverde Gap,

cutting off the road to town.

I don't understand, Major.

Rebs-- what are they doin' way out here?

This town is the most important supply dept

west of the Mississippi.

And those rebs are mercenaries,

profiting off the war, ransacking towns.

What do you figure on doing, sir?

I don't know.

They got a decided advantage.

We try to attack them, we expose ourselves

to crossfire on both flanks.

In the meantime, all they gotta do

is just sit down there and block off the town from supplies.

Starve us out.

[Wagon approaching]

You're late, Graydon.

Can't make no speed pullin' the square-wheel wagon.

Square wheels?

It can't move no faster than them jackasses--

ortho, I told--

that's enough of that!

You bring the supplies I ordered?

Yes. Dynamite?

Yes, sir.

It's in the-- that thing.

Corporal, get that wagon unloaded.

Lend a hand here.

When do the fightin' commence, Major?

I cannot order men to suicide.

Unless I can figure out some way

to get those renegades out of that gap below us,

there will be no fighting.

No fightin'?

You mean we made this whole trip for nothin'?

We're not gonna start any fight until I know we can win.

Smart aleck.

No fightin'.

Don't look like I'm gonna get myself

a chance to be no hero.

Appears like.

Skinner?

If you was to be a hero and marry Mamie,

you'd have me over to supper a lot, wouldn't ya?

And our freightin' partnership would still be on, wouldn't it?

Of course it would, ortho.

It'd still be your wagon and my mules,

just like it always has been.

Mamie's house would be your house.

Sure don't look like it's gonna happen, though,

us goin' back with our tail 'tween our legs, and all.

Well, we could always tell her a lie.

You watch the mules.

Uh, Major Roberts, sir?

Yes, what is it?

Uh, Skinner had hisself a idea.

Yeah?

He said...

What if he was to strap that dynamite

onto them ol' mules of his,

light the fuses, and send them on into the Reb camp.

Oh, I don't know.

Them mules would go any which way he tells 'em.

[Sighs]

We'd have to time the fuses just right.

Could work though.

They wouldn't be expecting it.

Why not?

Like Skinner says, why not?

Skinner, that's a great idea.

Sir?

The mules.

Putting the dynamite on your mules

and sending them into the Rebs' camp.

Dynamite? With my mules?

You look after your mules, I'll see to the dynamite.

Just back off now. I won't forget this, Skinner--

wait just a minute now-- you will be a hero.

I don't care if I'm a--

I will?

You will indeed, sir.

Well, Major, I was just thinkin',

wouldn't that dynamite have more of a jar to it,

if we put it all in one big hunk?

You got a point there.

Well, then why don't we just

go to work and stick it all in the wagon?

Now, just a minute--

I think you're right.

Get your wagon loaded up again with that dynamite.

But Major-- hurry it up!

But that's the only wagon i--

"well, why don't we just

go to work and stick it all in the wagon?"

We ain't got time for this.

We're under orders to the U.S. of A. Army.

Why'd you have to go

draggin' my mules into this thing?

You want to be a hero, don't ya?

What's more important to you, mamie or these blasted mules?

I want 'em all!

'Sides, you know Fred can't stand no loud noises

since he caught that cold in his ear.

Well, get him ready.

I'll load the dynamite.

Yes?

We're about ready, Major.

All right.

There's a slope on that road, right above Valverde Gap.

That's the spot to light your fuses,

because it angles right down into the Rebs' camp.

Once you get this wagon started the rolling,

you pull back on the double, you understand?

Yes, sir.

You, uh--

you sure you don't want me to send a few men with you?

Well, maybe I could use one volunteer.

All right. Here's your man.

But I ain't no volunteer.

You are now. Congratulations.

Good luck, Skinner. You too.

But Major--

move out! Cover them.

Come on, Fred.

They've reached the road down to the gap.

Fred...

I'd rather cut off my right arm

than do this to you.

Bye, Irma. Rupert. Henry.

It's lit, Skinner.

Try not to look back.

I feel bad, too.

I had many a mile in that wagon.

Wagon ain't nothin' but wood and ore,

not flesh and blood.

Wagon's starting down the slope, Major.

Good.

Holy jumping catfish!

Those mules-- they're turning back!

What?

Oh, no.

Hey, Graydon! No, quiet!

Don't want to alert those rebs.

Skinner doesn't realize those mules are following him.

Like I told you, Ortho,

them mules is the only kin I ever had.

I know.

Sure ain't easy.

Fred-- bless his little heart.

He's followin' me.

He's followin' me!

Skinner's running back toward the mules!

Fred, shame on you now.

Come on.

Now, you get goin', Fred!

Go on!

He's got the wagon headed back down the road.

But wait!

The mules are turning around again.

Skinner!

He's doin' it again!

Fred, I'm real disappointed in you.

You're gonna get somebody hurt.

Get out of there, Skinner!

She's gonna blow any minute!

Now, you get away from there, you idiot!

Skinner's fooling around with the wagon.

Yeah?

Why doesn't he get rid of that fuse?

He's gonna get killed!

Now the wagon's on its way.

Yah, Fred! Move! Yah!

[Shouts]

[Shouting continues]

Whoa, Fred.

Whoa.

[Mule whimpers]

He did it.

He did it! By gosh, he did it!

[Both laugh]

What's left of them is retreating, Major. They're leaving.

They're ours, men! Come on! Charge 'em!

Well, I hope you're satisfied.

Perfectly good wagon just blowed to smithereens.

Skinner, that was a brave thing you did.

You could have got killed. We're mighty proud of you.

You've made a vital contribution

to the war effort.

You probably saved the whole town

from those renegades.

You sure the coat is all you wanted in payment?

Major, much as I caught into

that brass button jacket,

I'd rather get a wagon for Ortho,

if you and the U.S. of A. Army could spare it.

That wagon was all he had in this world...

Except maybe me.

If you take this order down to the supply depot,

they'll fix you up.

Thank you, sir.

Skinner.

Yes, sir?

Take the coat with you, too.

Thank you, Major, sir.

Well, would you look at the brass button prairie dude,

all shined up like a wet eyeball?

If you'd quit being such a smart aleck

and take this over to the supply depot,

they'd give you a new wagon.

New wagon.

We're in business again.

We sure are.

Now, me, I'm goin' courtin'.

Would you put my mules in the corral, Wagon Boy?

You know somethin', Fred?

We're about to lose us one of the...

Best mule skinners in the business.

Wagon boy.

Well, for the love of Mike.

Skinner Graydon all scrubbed and gussied up.

Why, you old renegade, you're almost handsome.

I heard tell you were a hero today.

Ain't you gonna invite me in?

That I am, Skinner. That I am.

We'll leave the door open.

What would my fine neighbors say?

A handsome devil of a man

calling on a helpless widow woman?

[Mule braying]

[Mamie] Get that smelly beast out of my parlor!

[Objects clattering]

And stay out, the both of you!

But Mamie!

"But Mamie darlin'"?

[Chuckles]

Oh, you had to go and do it again, didn't ya?

[Yells]

Wait-- wait-- wait a minute--

so it was that a mule Skinner named Graydon and his mules

participated in the civil war in new Mexico,

a hundred years ago.

And today, a small town named muleshoe

is constructing a life-sized monument

to commemorate the mule's contribution

to a American history.