Original subtitles

Come straight to the point, Sheriff. Yes ma'’am.

Disagreeable as it may seem,

we'’ve been appointed a parents'’ committee,

augmented by Miss Laura to find out

what you intend to do about Mr. Bilger.

Do about him?

Are you going to rid this town of him or aren'’t you?

How can I run Dorsey Bilger out of town?

He'’s committed no crime.

Because he'’s a delinquent, that'’s why.

And he'’s making delinquents of our children.

Oh, come now, Mrs. Kitchen.

Now that is a pretty broad statement, honey.

You'’ll have to admit the man is a bad influence.

He seldom draws a sober breath.

Or changes his clothes.

He hasn'’t got any other clothes.

He'’s filled our young ones'’ heads

so full of lies they hardly know the meaning of truth anymore.

If you mean those yarns he spins they'’re just fairy tales.

Fairy tales are part of a child'’s education,

aren'’t they, Miss Dora?

Well I...

Yes, I guess you could say that.

Miss Dora, tell him about the latest.

It'’s only the boys, not the girls.

He'’s been teaching them to expectorate.

To what?

Spit.

Oh!

Well, maybe I had better have a talk with Dorsey.

You'’ve said that before, Sheriff.

This time the parents want action.

You know, there'’s an election coming up next Tuesday.

So?

So, unless you have Dorsey Bilger

out of town before then,

you'’ll be turning your badge over to a sheriff who will.

Howdy folks, I'’m the Old Ranger.

In the year 1889,

the population of Totem, Idaho was 167.

Not counting Dorsey Bilger, of course.

I say of course,

because in the eyes of the adults of Totem,

Dorsey wasn'’t worth counting.

And the sooner he took his undersized self,

somewhere else, the better.

With the children, it was different.

They loved Dorsey, and he loved children.

And for this, he was rewarded with...

[ dog barking in the distance ]

[ Dorsey chattering ]

And I jumped right on there into the river.

And then the Indians come and they rushed in

and they took all those little girls.

And they took them and they grabbed them

and they run them off to the camp there together.

And I seen them myself.

And they built great big fires and they took that boy

and then the Indians come and they rushed in.

Oh, there were some terrible rough men where I come from.

Yes sir, now you take me for example.

I come riding in to Totem here on the back of a grizzly bear.

With my Bowie knife as a saddle

and a live rattlesnake for a whip.

I had a full grown wildcat under each arm

and I had my pockets full of scorpions.

I often wondered how you come to be in Totem, Dorsey.

DORSEY: Morning, Sheriff.

I was just telling the young folks--

Yeah, I heard what you were telling '’em,

but I think Miss Dora is looking for them

in school hours.

Oh gosh that'’s right.

Well run along children.

You don'’t want to be late for school.

Now go on.

Now next time I'’ll tell you

how I whooped old Chief Sitting Bull

and his whole tribe,

with just one strand of barbed wire

and a wooden cooking spoon.

[ school bell dings ]

Dorsey.

Come on in the office, where we can talk easier.

Yes, sir.

You got some kind of a problem, Sheriff?

I'’ll be glad to--

Those pesky women.

Oh, what did they do now?

Dorsey, they think you'’re a bad influence

on the kids.

Me?

The kids in this town look up to you.

They think you'’re the greatest man on earth.

They do?

Well they shouldn'’t.

Y-You'’re shiftless, you're dirty, you booze, you lie.

Not a thing in the world I can do about it.

Well, that'’s not exactly a sheriff'’s problem, is it?

The parents'’ committee seems to think it is.

They paid me a call last night.

They want me to send you packing.

[ laughing ]

I ain'’t got nothing to pack.

[ laughing ]

You'’re serious?

Sheriff, this is where I live.

This is where all my friends are.

I'’d hardly call them your friends.

Well they may not exactly be my friends,

but I always felt I was theirs,

and that gives a man a good feeling.

It makes him feel like he belongs.

I guess that doesn'’t make much sense.

Yes, Dorsey, it does make sense.

Sheriff, I wouldn'’t harm them kids

for nothing in the world.

I wouldn'’t even say a dirty word in front of them.

I know.

Well if you tell me I got to go,

like I said, it won'’t take me long to pack.

You, uh--

You still sleeping over the livery stable?

Yeah, I sneak in whenever Peavey ain'’t looking.

Well, I'’ll walk over with you.

I'’ve got to pick up my horse anyway.

Curtis wanted me to ride out to his ranch today.

He'’s been missing some cattle. It'’s rustlers.

Wait a minute, Sheriff.

Morning Mrs. Kitchen, Mrs. Stockton.

Dorsey, would you tell Peavey to saddle my horse?

I'’ll be along directly.

Yes sir.

Well?

I see you had it out with him.

Yes'’m.

How soon is he leaving?

He'’s not leaving.

Not leaving?

But you just said--

I changed my mind.

Nobody'’s running Dorsey Bilger out of Totem

as long as I'’m the sheriff here.

Ladies.

Under the circumstances, that won'’t be very long.

Now you remember, lay low till I get back here.

Yep.

Keep out of sight of the women folk.

And then stay away from the kids.

Alright, alright.

Did you eat today?

Not yet.

Yesterday?

Yeah, I think I did. Yesterday.

Here, get yourself a meal.

Well, I sure thank you, Sheriff.

I'’ll get some ham and eggs down at the Totem Pole.

I don'’t care what you get, as long as it'’s solid.

Okay, okay.

Bye!

[ music playing in saloon ]

Hello.

Hello Dorsey, the usual?

Oh, no, thank you, Billy.

I'’m on the wagon.

Hey!

What'’s the idea, mooching a meal?

Well it'’s free, ain't it?

That'’s what the sign outside says.

With drinks.

With drinks?

"Paid-for" drinks.

You know that, Dorsey.

Gosh, what do I do now?

I can'’t unswallow that bite.

I guess I'’ll have to buy a drink to make it legal.

Give me a whiskey, Billy.

Now just forget it.

No, no, no, no.

Nobody is gonna accuse Dorsey Bilger of mooching.

If I have to drink in order to eat, I'’ll drink.

The usual, Billy.

Thank you.

We'’ll miss you around here, Dorsey.

Well, I ain'’t gone yet.

[ chuckles ]

[ music stops ]

What'’ll it be, stranger?

Whiskey, in a clean glass.

Make sure it'’s clean.

Stop that music.

[ shouts ] I said stop it!

[ music stops ]

I don'’t like noise.

[ laughs ]

[ laughing ]

What are you laughing at?

Nothing.

You laughing at me?

No sir, I wasn'’t.

Nobody laughs at me, you understand?

Nobody.

Yes-- no sir.

You know who I am?

I'’m Charlie Winslow, that'’s who I am.

And I'’m here to see your sheriff.

That crawling coward that gunned down my brother.

The Sheriff'’s out of town.

You'’re lying.

No, no I ain'’t.

He'’s out of town.

Must have heard I was coming.

Run scared.

You know why?

Because I'’m the fastest gun that is, that'’s why.

Anyone here care to dispute that?

No.

Got no reason to doubt you, we know all about you.

We'’ll take your word for it.

I don'’t want you taking my word for it.

I'’m going to prove it to you.

[ gunshot ]

♪

Well, didja ever see anyone faster?

Well?

No! No, I never seen nobody faster.

[ gasps ]

Grease lightning.

Greased lightning.

Set them up, Billy.

Coming at you.

You sniveling slob, look what you'’ve done.

I'’m sorry, I--

[ gunshot ]

Alright, don'’t anybody move.

You move and I kill you.

[ gunshots ]

CROWD: He'’s a killer!

[ gunshots ]

[ Children murmuring ]

Quiet, sit down.

I'’ll go see what--

[ gunshots ]

MAN: Stop him!

Stop!

He'’s a killer.

[ gunshots ]

♪

[ gun clicks ]

[ children screaming ]

Somebody do something.

[ children crying ]

[ gunshots ]

Alright, get over there and stay over there.

Anybody tries to get out of here I'’m gonna stop them with this.

[ children whimpering ]

Where'’s the sheriff?

Sheriff'’s out of town, he went up to the Curtis Ranch.

Now move back, folks.

Get off the street.

That mad man starts shooting again,

you'’re right in the line of fire.

Now move back please, before somebody else gets hurt.

Come inside the store.

But the children, what about our children?

Get inside, we'’ll figure out something.

You fellows stay and keep an eye on the school.

In case he makes a break or something.

Now don'’t be frightened.

Everything'’s going to be alright.

Frank, would you come here?

Try to keep the little ones quiet

while I have a talk with our visitor.

I'’ll be right back.

What are you trying to pull, sneaking up on me like that?

I'’m sorry, I was only going to ask you--

You get back over there, lady, and you stay over there.

And you keep those kids quiet.

I can'’t stand kids crying.

It gets on my nerves.

[ laughing ]

He claims to be the fastest gun in the West,

and doggone if I don'’t believe it.

What are we going to do?

Well, don'’t you think--

Now, the main thing is not too excite him.

The least little thing ticks him off.

All I did was spill some beer on his sleeve

and the next thing I knew,

Earl was laying on the floor dead.

Do you suppose we could bribe him?

Offer him money and a horse to get away on.

Let Earl'’s killer get away?

He wouldn'’t get far, Tom.

Sheriff will track him down, you know that.

It might work.

Be worth trying.

Anything-- anything to get him out of the school house

away from the children.

That'’s the important thing.

Yeah, I guess that is the most important thing right now.

Well, here'’s all the cash I got on me, if it'’ll help.

BILLY: I'’ll get the money out of the safe in the saloon.

MAN: Alright, anything you got, folks.

Everybody'’s two bits will help save our kids.

Alright, here'’s mine.

I had a dollar, but I spent it.

[ child crying ]

Lady, how many times do I have to tell you

to keep those kids quiet?

I'’m sorry, I'’m doing the best I can.

Well, that'’s not good enough.

They'’ll quiet down when you get out of here.

Well I ain'’t getting out of here.

And I can'’t stand bawling kids.

Drive me crazy.

[ crying continues ]

Alright, now shut him up.

You shut him up or I'’m going to kill you!

You hear me?

BILLY: Winslow, we want to talk with you.

Can you hear me, Winslow?

[ gunshot ]

[ laughing ]

We'’ll come out, show you we ain'’t armed.

We want to make a deal with you.

Winslow, listen.

We want to give you a horse.

You stay where you are.

Come one step closer and I'’ll blow your heads off.

We'’ll leave him right here for you.

Just come and take him.

And make myself a clay pigeon for the lot of you?

Yeah, sure.

Alright, I'’ll take you up on that deal.

Only the schoolmarm goes with me.

And if you trick me,

you'’ll have a pretty corpse on your hands.

We can'’t let him go off with Miss Dora.

He might take it into his head to hang onto her.

Ain'’t for us to give a yes or a no to a thing like that.

That'’d sort of mess up your plans, wouldn'’t it?

You don'’t need any hostage.

Nobody'’ll try to stop you.

Just ride away.

We got something else for you, too.

Money, here.

Nearly $300, and it'’s all yours.

[ gunshots ]

[ laughing ]

He'’s a mad man alright.

Stark raving mad.

Look, he'’s got some wild idea

he'’s the fastest gun in the world.

Maybe if he was challenged.

Somebody real fast, of course.

We couldn'’t let any one man risk that.

Not against a maniac like that.

MRS. KITCHEN: If nobody'’s going to go over there and do anything,

I'’ll go myself.

MAN 1: Now you stay put, Maude.

MRS. KITCHEN: Maybe a woman would have a better chance.

MAN 1: That man would kill his own mother.

MAN 2: He'’s a madman, don'’t you realize?

MRS. KITCHEN: Well I'’m going anyway.

I can'’t stand it another minute not knowing.

Maybe he'’s killed them already.

Now you stop it.

Sit down and shut up.

Don'’t you tell me to shut up, Dave Kitchen.

I said shut up, you hear me?

Shut up.

Now, now, don'’t panic, folks.

We'’ve got to keep our heads.

DORSEY: You think you'’re a gunman, do you?

Let'’s see what you can do against a real top gun.

Fastest gun in the West, huh?

Well I can outdraw the likes of you with my hand in a sling

and a gun in my hip pocket.

All you'’re good at shooting at empty whiskey glasses.

How'’d you like to face a loaded gun, huh?

You coming out, or you scared?

I ain'’t even in my prime and I'’m sober

and I got you scared.

Come out from behind them kids

and I'’ll let some of the yellow out of you.

You'’re asking for it, you old rum pot.

Alright, I'’ll kill you.

I'’ll kill you

I'’ll kill you just I killed all the others.

I'’ll kill you so fast you'’ll never even know

what hit you.

Words, just talk.

If you'’re the fastest draw, holster your gun.

But get away from that school.

I don'’t kill no kids, I just kill men.

And I'’m beginning to doubt that you are one.

Alright mister, this suit you?

It better, because whether or no, I'’m gonna kill you.

[ gunshot ]

[ gunshot ]

SHERIFF: What happened?

It was Longhorn Charlie Wilson, Sheriff.

Real weird.

Killed Earp Nip and holed up in the schoolhouse with the kids.

Poor old Dorsey taunted him into a shootout.

All he asked for was just a sip of the milk of human kindness.

And all you gave him was a sponge full of vinegar.

Sheriff Ed Lick and the town of Totem

have been gone for many years.

But the Sheriff'’s wife still lives in Idaho.

Among her most prized possessions

are this old gun and holster,

the same ones that were carried by Dorsey Bilger

on the day he died

to save the children of the town

that planned to banish him.