Original subtitles

♪♪ [ trumpet ]

Howdy, folks. I'’m the Old Ranger,

with an exciting new story of real life in the Old West.

With the outbreak of the War Between the States,

the federal government began recalling its troops from Arizona,

and the Apaches soon ruled that territory uncontested.

Now, ranchers, miners, and prospectors

were either killed or had to get out.

That is, all except one rancher named Pete Kitchen.

Our story is about this rancher'’s heroic stand

against the Apache horde--

his last stand,

which took place, strangely enough, on...

Pete had arrived in Arizona from his native Kentucky back in '’54,

homesteaded a thousand acres of rich bottomland,

and set in raising crops, and his pride and joy-- pigs.

Within a few years, his pigs had grown famous.

Stores in Tucson, 58 miles to the north,

advertised Pete Kitchen Hams.

And his tasty bacon was equally famous.

The Apaches had raided him time and time again.

But there on his ranch,

he'’d stayed unconquered and unconquerable

up till this, the day of his wedding.

[ horse neighing ]

She should have been here by now, Deacon.

Well, patience, Pete, my boy.

It'’s a long, hot ride from Tubac.

Saw a raiding party earlier this morning

heading towards Tubac.

The good Lord will take care of His own,

especially such a beautiful, young angel as she is.

Just her and her brothers.

What chance would they have against the Apache?

MAN: Mr. Kitchen! Mr. Kitchen!

Cloud of dust to the north.

Can'’t tell yet whether they're wearing hats or not.

I says there'’s at least 50 of '’em.

Spread the alarm. North wall, boys! Let'’s give them a welcome!

[ pigs squealing ]

They'’re behind a rise over there.

I can'’t see nothin' but their dust.

But they'’re still comin'.

Same as always, boys.

Shoot any son of a bronco that ain'’t wearing a hat.

MAN: They'’re coming into the open now.

[ horse neighing ]

Hold it. They ain'’t Apaches! Them'’s soldiers!

A whole company of '’em.

Supply wagon. Civilians too!

[ horses snorting ]

The main bunch is going right on by,

but there'’s somebody cutting out this way.

It looks like just one of them. No, it'’s two.

[ horse neighing ]

It'’s Dona Rosa!Hallelujah!

The boss sure cuts a fancy picture

in his wedding outfit, don'’t he?

Yeah. People dress the same way for a burying.

[ sighs ]

[ chuckles ]

MAN: Wow! [ men laughing ]

Welcome.

You poor dear. You must be plumb wore out.

Come, we'’ll all help you get ready. Come on.

Did you bring something old and something new?

Some of you menfolks bring in her things.

[ men laughing ]

Uh, Captain, you sure gave us quite a start.

We weren'’t expecting a cavalry escort, but I do thank you.

It'’s my pleasure, Mr. Kitchen.

We were scheduled to pass by here today,

so we thought it best that the young lady come with us.

Before I get back to my company, I'’d like to have a word with ya, if I may.

Oh, certainly. Come on in the house.

[ chuckles ]

Sit down, Captain.

Uh, I'’ll get right to the point, Mr. Kitchen.

My men out there on the trail

represent the last of the federal forces leaving Arizona.

Now, there are some civilians accompanying us--

miners, prospectors, uh, ranchers like yourself--

Captain, for two years,

the Apaches have come at me with everything they got.

They ruined my crops,

turned my prized pigs into perambulatin'’ pin cushions

with their cussed arrows,

tried to set fire to this house--

There'’s a graveyard out there that'’s full, and all of them ain'’t Apaches.

But, Captain, I ain'’t no closer[ stammers ]

to runnin'’ today than I was two years ago.

Yes, but-- Now, sure, I pay my men double wages,

but most of '’em would stay on anyhow.

As for the Deacon... [ chuckles ]

well, he don'’t want to go outside.

Not since the Apaches caught him, uh, circuit ridin'’

and chased him through my gates some six months back.

Mr. Kitchen, I hadn'’t expected you or your men

to accompany our withdrawal.

I was mainly thinking of your fiancée.

I understand she has relatives well east of here. Yeah.

Well, I think you should at least compel her to join us.

Rosa.

[ sighs ]

Rosa!

[ door opens ]

Rosa! [ door closes ]

Rosa, the captain here has a question.

About joining your withdrawal, Captain?

Yes, ma'’am.

You already know my answer, don'’t you?

Yes, ma'’am, I'’m afraid I do.

Now, Rosa...

Captain, I do wish you would stay for the ceremony.

That would be a real pleasure, ma'’am,

but I must rejoin my troops.

Mr. Kitchen, you are indeed fortunate.

Aside from being a lovely lady,

your fiancée possesses, in no small amount,

that same indomitable courage and--

all due respects to you, ma'’am--

cussed stubbornness with which you, sir,

are so abundantly endowed.

I wish you both a happy marriage.

[ chattering ]

[ door opens ]

♪ [ wedding march ] [ door closes ]

DEACON: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

to witness the joining of this man and this woman

in the bonds of holy matrimony.

Now, the good Lord hath said,

"It is not good for man to live alone."

Therefore, He said,

"I shall create him a helpmate."

And for this cause,

man has left his father and his mother

and has cleaved with his wife. [ knocking on door ]

MAN: Mr. Kitchen. Mr. Kitchen.

[ knocking intensifies ]

Doggone it.

You'’re doing a good job, Deacon.

Excuse me.

Apaches?Not yet, but you better come with us right now.

[ gunfire ]

They'’re beyond there. [ gunfire continues ]

It'’s a cavalry outfit.

You can'’t see 'em from the tower.

They'’ve been going at it hot and heavy.

Tapering off some now.

All right, boys. Let'’s go give them some help.

Hold on! Listen!

[ silence ]

The shooting stopped.

Yeah.

Aw, probably just a stray pack.

Those soldier boys made sure work of '’em.

Maybe.

Deacon, you take care of her.

I'’ll be back as quick as I can.

All right, Pete.

Maybe the soldier boys took care of '’em,

or maybe they just scared them off.

But if the cavalry didn'’t finish 'em,

they'’ll be back to take a crack at us.

Slim, you and Shorty ride out there and have a look.

We better get extra sentinels posted,

check our weapons, and let'’s get the pigs under cover.

MAN: Hyah! Hyah! [ hoofbeats departing ]

[ squealing ]

Plenty more ammunition in the house. You'’d better get some.

Well, I guess we'’ve done everything we can.

You two will both be up in the tower.

The moon will soon be bright enough to see real good.

Oh.Oh!

Pardon me.Excuse me.

Any word yet?Nope.

She had the ladies brew up a nice hot cup of coffee for the boys.

Yes, sir! At a time like this,

there ain'’t nothin' better for a man

than a good hot cup of coffee.

Along with some good, hard prayin'’, of course.

Well, I can'’t spare Jake and his fiddle.

He'’s guarding the north wall.

But Apaches or no Apaches,

we'’re gettin' married this night.

Deacon? You ready?

Well, then, if you two will just step right over here, we'’ll get along with it.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here to witness the joining

of this man and this woman

in holy wedlock.

If anyone, therefore, can show just cause

why they may not be lawfully joined together,

let him now speak, or else forever hold his piece.

Pete Kitchen, wilt thou have this woman--

SHORTY: Mr. Kitchen! Mr. Kitchen!Oh, doggone it.

[ knocking ]

I hate to bust in on you like this, Mr. Kitchen,

but we'’ve brought back somebody that we think you ought to talk to right now.

[ breathing heavily ]

He'’s the only one left.

And that ain'’t all.

You tell Mr. Kitchen what you told us.

What is it, son?

They killed them all.

Every man, woman, baby.

Then they set fire to our wagons. All except one.

SLIM: It was a powder wagon, Mr. Kitchen.

The Apaches took the powder wagon with them.

Ain'’t much question what them red heathens gonna do with all that powder.

That'’ll give them Apaches their best chance yet of blowing you to kingdom come, Mr. Kitchen.

They'’re camped a couple of miles from here.

They likely ain'’t gonna wait much past sunup.

Saddle me a horse.No, Pete.

Give us time to saddle a couple of fresh ones too.

No, I don'’t expect you boys to ride with me.

Ain'’t enough money in the world to pay for that kind of work.

All the money in the world ain'’t gonna do nobody no good.

Not if them Apaches have that powder wagon tomorrow morning.

I'’m riding with you, too, Mr. Kitchen.

All right, boy. On your way.

Pete-- Pete, there must be some other way.

Oh, you mustn'’t go out there.

Rosa, there'’s no other way. You heard what the men said.

I'’ve got to get that powder wagon.

Don'’t you worry none.

I'’ll be back quick as a hog'’s grunt.

Pete!

[ scoffs ]

[ chuckles ] Quicker than a hog'’s grunt.

Yah, yah, yah!

[ yells ]

Hyah!Hyah!

[ Indians whooping ]

[ whooping continues ]

We better go the rest of the way by foot.

[ sputters ]

♪ [ drumming ]

♪ [ chanting ]

[ whooping continues ] ♪ [ continues ]

[ gunshot ]

[ gunshot ]

[ whooping continues ]

It'’s old Red Sleeves hisself. Come for the kill.

Pete Kitchen! Good-bye!

He speaks English.Better than you or me.

He'’s spent a lot of time with white people.

Mostly bad ones.

He hates all white people now like crazy.

[ gunshot ]

There'’s our passport to doomsday.

At least three guards.

Like flies around a hog trough.

We ain'’t gonna be able to get close enough there to do nothing.

Not unless they get awful careless.

Or maybe liquored up! [ gunshot ]

What good'’s that gonna do?

Ain'’t gonna make no difference if they get liquored up.

We still ain'’t gonna get close enough to that rig to do nothing about it,

pied or not.

Well, what are we gonna do, Mr. Kitchen?

We'’re gonna just sit tight for a spell and wait.

[ gunfire ][ whooping continues ]

My legs hurt so much, I can'’t hardly move.

If we stay like this much longer, we ain'’t gonna be able

to get ourselves out of here, forget about that wagon.

No use arguin'’ about that.

Come on.

[ inaudible dialogue ]

[ gunshot ]

[ gunshot ]

Hyah! Hyah!

I sure hope it works.

I know Apaches, son.

It'’ll work.

It'’s got to.

[ whooping continues ] [ gunshots ]

Be daylight soon.

We still have some time.

[ leaves rustling ]

[ squealing ]

My prized four sucklings.

All right. You boys know what to do?

Yes, sir. We all set.All right. Get goin'’.

[ whooping continues ]

Boy?Yes, sir.

Well, let'’s get on with it. Put that around your hand, son.

Here we go. Slow and easy.

Come on![ squealing ]

[ squealing continues ]

[ Indians shouting, whooping ]

[ neighing ]

Hey! Yah!

[ whooping continues ]

[ Indian shouting ]

[ gunshots ]

[ blow lands ]

[ squealing ]

[ whooping ]

Come on! Ride!

[ whooping continues ]

[ whooping stops ]

Pete!

Well, we sure took care of the powder wagon.Well, hallelujah.

Yes, but they'’re gonna be hot on our trail in a few minutes,

so let'’s get on with the marriage ceremony.

What, right here, right now?Oh, Deacon, please.

Well, I haven'’t got my good book with me.

But, well, no matter.

Well, we haven'’t much time.

Dearly beloved...

Uh! From where we left off, please.

Oh. Uh, Pete Kitchen,

will you take this woman here for your lawful wedded wife?

Will you promise to love, obey,

cherish, and comfort her

for as long as you both shall live?

I will. Dona Rosa,

will you accept this man as your lawful wedded husband?

Will you promise to love him--

There they come!

And all of the other questions that I just asked him

just a few moments ago as long as you both shall live?

I will.

Join your right hands together, please.

Inasmuch as you'’ve decided and determined

to become wedded in holy wedlock,

then I now pronounce you man and wife.

[ horse snorting ]

Hey, that'’s a flag of truce!

Hey, they'’re carrying a white flag of truce!

I don'’t trust 'em.It is. It'’s a white flag.

He'’s carrying a white flag. The one in front.

You keep '’em covered with your rifles, boys.

I'’ll go try to find 'em something to answer with.

You, stay with the Deacon.

Oh, I am.

Pete Kitchen!

You come out! Alone!

Pete Kitchen!

Keep those rifles on '’em.

Wait!

No guns.

We have come to make terms.

What kind of terms?

From now on, we will not come more than half mile from your ranch.

You, Pete Kitchen,

will stay away from Apache stronghold forever!

Agreed?

Agreed.

[ cheering ]

[ cheering continues ]

OLD RANGER: From that day on, the Apaches ignored Pete Kitchen.

At times, raiding parties would pass within sight of his house,

but never closer than half a mile.

Pete had more than proven himself

as an enemy worthy of their steel.

And his victory, one unparalleled

in the entire history of Apache warfare,

was final.

Ah, hallelujah.

You done it, Lord. Thank You.

This is a .50 caliber Sharps carbine,

for which I have the greatest respect.

So did the Apaches.

This is the actual gun that Pete Kitchen carried

in the Apache warfare,

taken from his saddle by his brother-in-law, Manuel Ronquillo.

It was loaned to us by Colonel Gil Procter,

the present owner of the Pete Kitchen Ranch--

the old ranch house that now houses the Pete Kitchen Museum.

Oh, yes, the original stronghold is still standing,

just off the U.S. Highway 89 between Tucson and Nogales.

A landmark to the memory of a doughty pioneer

who refused to be driven out.