Original subtitles

THE OLD RANGER: And now,Death Valley Days.

♪♪ [ trumpet ]

Hyah! Yah!

Yah! Yah!

Howdy, folks. I'’m the Old Ranger,

and I have another interesting true story for you

about the historic Death Valley country.

I got out the dictionary the other day,

as I was mulling over this particular story,

and looked up the definition of the word "beard,"

and this is what it said.

"The hair on the face of a male adult.

"Specifically chin whiskers. A tough"--

Tough, my eye.

They never saw the fella I'’m gonna tell you about.

The man who claimed to have...

His name: Barnaby Taylor.

Occupation: small-town lawyer

in a Western mining district.

Distinguishing feature:

a beard which has been growing uninterruptedly

for 25 years,

and which now, on this spring day in 1893, measures--

Well, let'’s guess.

Barnaby himself stands six foot tall.

MAN: Barney!Well, Ed, Jack.

We were just talking about you.

We'’ve got a proposition to put up to you, Barney.

A wonderful idea.Mm, what is it?

Let'’s adjourn to the privacy of your office.

Sounds important.Oh, you'’ll think so when you hear.

You'’re suggesting that I run for Congress?

It'’s high time this district had a proper representative in Washington.

Someone who'’d really put us on the map.

Maybe boost the price of silver.

Think what that would mean to all of us.

Well, yes. Certainly.

But I'’ve never been active in politics.

That doesn'’t make any difference.

You'’ve got what it takes.

Gentlemen, I'’m flattered that you think so highly of my abilities.

[ laughs ] It'’s not what's inside of your head, Barney.

It'’s what's outside.

It'’s your beard. That beard will get you elected.

There'’s no beard in the state can compare with it.

In the whole United States of America!

In the whole world.

But...

is that enough to get a man into Congress?

What does a beard stand for in the minds of people?

Manhood. Virility. Isn'’t that right?

Well, yes.

Look at all the great leaders of history.

Bearded. Every one of them.

The kings, the prophets,

the generals, the presidents.

Grover Cleveland.

A mere mustache.

But what do you expect from a Democrat? [ chuckles ]

You'’ll run on the Republican ticket, Barney.

We'’ve got the campaign all figured out.

[ claps hands ]

"Barnaby Taylor for Congressman.

The candidate that represents the strength of the West."

I like virility better.

I agree with Barney.

Stand up, Barney.

Magnificent.

If that doesn'’t inspire confidence in a constituent,

I don'’t know what will.

Oh, come now. Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Then you will run, Barney?

Well, you really bearded me in my den.

[ laughter ]

I accept the candidacy.

Now you'’re talking, Barney.

[ rings ]

[ gasps ] Oh!

Good afternoon, young lady. Is Miss Trent in?

Oh. Oh, yes, sir. Won'’t you come in?

Thank you.

Oh.

She'’s right in there, in the parlor.

May I take your hat?No.

Watch this.

Mr. Taylor.

Miss Trent.

Forgive my manners.

But I just wanted to announce to you that my hat'’s in the ring.

Mr. Taylor, this is so sudden.

As United States Congressman from this district

in the forthcoming elections.

Congressman. Oh.

GIRL: Is that the same as a senator?

MISS TRENT: Run along, Cora.

And, uh, read over the Constitution before supper.

Article One.Yes, Miss Trent.

Now, what is this about Congress?

A delegation waited upon me in my office this morning

and persuaded me that it was my duty to run.

It'’s high time this district had a representative in Washington

who will really put us on the map.

You'’re just the man to do it.

You'’re able and honest and--

And I have virility.

To wit: think back over the history of the world, Miss Trent.

And what have all the great leaders had in common?

Beards.

Beards?

Kings, prophets,

generals, presidents.

Not George Washington.

Oh, well, that was in the days of wigs.

When wigs came in, beards went out, and vice versa.

What does a beard signify to most people, Miss Trent?

That you'’re a man.

A strong man, a virile man.

And that will be the keynote of my campaign.

" A vote for Barney Taylor is a virile vote."

I, uh, rather like that alliteration, don'’t you?

"Virile vote"? It'’s an unusual platform.

Uh, my managers feel that it'’s a very sound one.

I hope you'’re elected, though we'’ll miss you here.

Miss Trent...

Frances, would you consider accompanying me to Washington...

as my wife?Mr. Taylor!

It would make me very proud and happy.

You honor me, Mr. Taylor.

Please. Barnaby.

But I'’m already wedded.

To my career.Oh. Is that all?

"All"? I'’ve spent years building up this school.

Not easy-- a young ladies seminary in the West.

I couldn'’t abandon it now.

Does that mean you'’re never going to marry?

Oh, I wouldn'’t go so far as to say that.

Perhaps someday.Then I can still hope?

There is no man for whom I have a higher regard than yourself, Mr. Taylor.

But I think you'’d better just concentrate

on politics for the time being.

It would be a great help to me to have a wife of your charm

and intelligence by my side.

You have your beard.

The work of the United States Congress

is man'’s work, my friends,

so don'’t send a boy to do it![ slams hand down ]

Send a man. A man of strength and vigor.

A man who will bring to the tasks at hand

all the stamina and virility that are associated with the West.

The candidate who stands before you

is such a man, my friends.

That should be plain to every one of you.

On the face of it. Ouch!

[ laughter ]

What'’s the idea, boy?

Just wanted to see if it was real.

Well, you found out.

Now, is there anyone else who'’d like to satisfy himself?

[ laughter ]

Yes, yes. Step up, folks.

Prove to yourself it'’s the real McCoy.

All wool, and a yard long.

Yard? Why, it'’s over four feet.

[ laughter ]

And still growing.

[ laughter ]

I thought he'’d be mad, but he wasn'’t.

He invited anybody who wanted to

to come up and tweak his beard.

Cora, I hope you didn'’t.

Oh, I longed to, Miss Trent.

It'’s so thick and curly.

But, no, I didn'’t.

Thank goodness, for the sake of the school'’s reputation.

I wonder what it would be like to be married to a man with a beard like that.

The bell will ring for study hour in just a minute, Cora.

Be kissed by him... Cora!

Oh, yes, Miss Trent?A girl of 15 shouldn'’t harbor such thoughts.

Or tarry on the street, listening to campaign speeches.

Oh, it was a wonderful speech.

All about manhood and virility.

I wish you could'’ve heard it.I have, in this very room.

Don'’t you like Mr. Taylor?

Mr. Taylor is a very estimable man,

but I think that beard of his has gone to his head.

The campaign'’s coming along fine,

but we mustn'’t let it bog down now.

What we need at this stage of the game

is something to give it that final boost.

You'’ve got any ideas?We'’ve got a pipperino.

The greatest campaign stunt ever pulled.

But it'’ll involve a little travel.

That'’s all right with me.

It'’s time I got out and stumped the whole district.

[ chuckles ] We'’ll go farther than that.

How far?

By the time we get through,

you'’ll be the best advertised candidate in the United States.

The whole nation'’ll be betting on your election.

That'’s very gratifying,

but you still haven'’t told me the nature of this... stunt.

You leave that to us.

♪♪ [ calliope ]

Well, Barney, I guess the time has come

to tell you why we'’ve brought you here.

You'’ve just seen exhibits from the four corners of the earth.

The greatest collection of marvels ever staged by man.

That'’s right.With one exception:

the longest beard in the world.

And that'’s where you come in.

You mean, put myself on exhibition?

More than that. Issue a challenge to all comers

to prove that your beard is longer than any other living man'’s.

Why, that'’s preposterous. Sure it is.

It'’s the greatest campaign stunt in the history of American politics.

Why, your picture will appear in every newspaper in the United States.

We'’ve alerted the Associated Press.

You'’ll be famous from coast to coast.

"Barnaby Taylor, Candidate for Congress."

Barney, win this contest, and you can run for president.

Yeah, but suppose I didn'’t win it?

That'’s impossible.

Nobody in the world has a beard as long as yours.

Still, we don'’t know it'’s the longest.

Barney, do you, or do you not want to be elected to Congress on the 7th of November?

You know I do.Then stop this backing and filling.

You'’ve got to win.

We'’ve already got a concession here on the midway. Let'’s go.

♪♪ [ calliope ]

Ladies and gentlemen, the beard of the claimant to this title

measures four feet, two and one-half inches,

certified before a notary.

[ cheering ]

All right. Let'’s see the challengers. One at a time.

[ soft chattering ]

[ jeering ]

[ laughs ]Hooray for Barney!

[ laughing ]

Next contestant, please.

[ murmuring ]

Three feet, nine and a half inches.

[ laughter, chatter ]

Next.

[ laughter ]

Well, I'’ll be!

A bearded lady.

Hey, that'’s not fair.

It'’s a beard, ain't it?Yes, madam.

But...

it is only two feet, 11 and one-quarter inches.

[ laughter ]

Yay for Barney, our new Congressman

from El Dorado District!

Barney![ cheering ]

Are there any more contestants?

[ chattering ]

Then, ladies and gentlemen,

I have the honor to announce

as holder to the title

of the Longest Beard in the World--

Monsieur, wait a minute. [ speaking French ]

Monsieur, s'’il vous plaît.

Who are you?Henri Charpaud...

the man who has the longest beard in the world.

[ people exclaiming ]

You have heard of Charpaud'’s Elixir for the hair, no?

Here'’s the result. Magnifique.

[ murmuring ]

We will measure.

Three feet, nine,

ten,

11.

Four feet.

Four feet, one inch.

Four feet, two inches.

Four feet, two and a quarter inches.

Four feet, two and a half inches.

Exactly the same length as yours.

The Frenchman'’s beard, ladies and gentlemen,

measures four feet, two and three-quarter inches.

The winner by a hair! [ applause ]

Vive la France!

[ applause continues ]

"Barnaby Taylor, candidate for Congress from El Dorado,

"tripped on his much-vaunted beard

"and went down to defeat in a hair-raising contest

at the Chicago World'’s Fair."

These smart aleck reporters.

"The politicos are now predicting

that Barney will take it again on the chin at election."

What does that mean?

That he'’ll be defeated.

Just because his beard is a quarter of an inch shorter

than some Frenchman'’s?

Because it was a silly platform to run on in the first place.

But I do feel sorry for him.

Oh, I wish I was a man, so I could vote for him.

If you were 21, you could vote anyway.

I could?In this state.

It'’s one of the very few states where women can vote. This year, for the first time.

Oh, dear. But I'’m only 15.

And Election Day is getting close.

It says here that his platform was nothing but a hair mattress.

Will you deliver this note to Mr. Taylor, please, Cora?

Me? Oh, yes, Miss Trent!

At his office.Yes, ma'’am.

Everybody'’s laughing at me, pointing the finger of derision.

I can never show my face in public again.

You never have shown it.

I'’m gonna have to move away.

What do you mean?

Do you want my advice, Barney?

Well, yes.

Cut it off.

Cut it off?

Clean. Come right out in the open and let people see what you really look like.

I couldn'’t!Why not?

Well, it'’d be admitting total defeat. This--

This beard is the badge of my campaign.

It'’s the appeal to the virile vote.

Change your slogan to "A clean sweep for Barney."

Now you'’re mocking me.No.

I wanna help you. Truly.

I could never get elected without this beard.

Well, it'’s worth trying.

Don'’t you dare!

Barney, you remember the day you sat here in this room and asked me to marry you?

Yes. And you rejected me,

just as the voters will reject me on November 7.

You shave off your beard, and I'’ll say yes.

Miss Trent. Frances.

Is it a bargain?

You mean shave it off, entirely?

Well, if you can'’t have the longest beard in the world, why have any?

I could never grow another one like this.

Not at my age.

Well, of course, if you prefer the beard to me.

You wouldn'’t settle for a Van Dyke?

Not even a mustache.

You...

You Delilah!

[ door closes ]

[ sighs ]

[ grunts ]

[ sighs ]

[ chattering ]

Well, at least he'’ll get two votes-- yours and mine.

Yeah. I wouldn'’t give you a nickel for his chances.

What time is it?Oh.

8:25. Too early to learn the returns.

How much easier to look at your watch

than when you had to go rummaging through your beard?[ chuckles ]

Well, I still feel rather exposed without the beard.

You look 20 years younger, and very handsome.

Frances. And another thing.

You'’re not nearly so pompous.

Was I pompous? Insufferably.

Well, I have nothing to be pompous about now.

Except, of course, the one factor.

The one bright light in my life at this moment.[ sneezes ]

Who'’s that?

Oh, excuse me.

I just wondered if you'’d heard yet how the election came out.

Not yet. You should be

at campaign headquarters when the results are announced.

I already know the answer.

I'’ll go with you.

Oh, can I go too?

Please?

Mm, if she wants to join the mourners.

Oh, goody. I'’ll get my things.

[ clock ticking ]

What happened to the mirror that was on this wall?

BARNABY: I took it down.

[ ticking continues ]

I don'’t know why it has to take them so long.

There was a record turnout this year, I understand,

with women voting for the first time.

Oh, those suffragettes. Yes.

They'’ve got the results! It was a landslide!

There he is!Congratulations, Barney.

[ men chattering ] Our next Congressman, gentlemen.

And, ladies,

it was the women'’s vote that swing it.

Well, what do you know about that!

[ chattering continues ]

You'’re gonna do fine up there in Washington.

Frances, you'’re the only person who hasn'’t seemed surprised.

I knew you'’d be elected.[ chuckles ]

Bless you for your faith in me.

It was more my faith in women.How do you mean?

I figured if I liked you better without that beard, so would they.

It was a fabulous beard.

It was pretentious, unsanitary, and scratchy, I'’m sure.

So that'’s why you had me shave it off-- to get more votes.

You were taking a long chance, my dear.

The longest chance in the world.

After that story, I wonder...

Do you think if I shaved off this muff,

I'’d get more customers among the ladies? [ chuckling ]

♪♪ [ trumpet ]