Original subtitles

THE OLD RANGER: And now,

Death Valley Days.

♪♪ [ trumpet ]

Howdy, folks.

I'’m the Old Ranger,

and I have another interesting,

true story for you

about the historic Death Valley country.

Have you ever met anybody by the name of Bottle?

B-O-T-T-L-E?

Well, you'’re about to.

William C. Bottle,

known familiarly as "Bill" to his friends

in the mining camp of Darwin near Death Valley.

You'’re going to meet him, and a raft of his relatives,

on the occasion of...

And this is the young lady whose name

Bill would like to change to Mrs. Bottle,

if he could just get up his courage to ask her.

[ knock on door ]

Bill!

I happened to be passing by

and thought I'’d say howdy.

Well, come in.

It'’s all right in my digging clothes?

Oh, I only draw the line at burros.

I was just tidying up my accounts.

You know, I always said the first year I made

$2500, clear, that is, I'’d change my sign

from "dressmaker" to "modiste."

But, I don'’t know.

You think that sounds kind of high-falutin'’, Bill?

Have you really cleared that much this year?

Gosh.

That'’s four times what I'’ve earned.

MISS DALY: With you it'’s different.

A prospector doesn'’t have steady business.

I'’ll say he don't.

That'’s why most of 'em stay single.

There'’s always a chance of striking it rich.

And when that happens, the world'’ll be your oyster.

I don'’t care much for oysters.

Well, whatever it is you want, you'’ll get it.

Provided some other man ain'’t already grabbed her.

Oh.

So that'’s it.

I'’m 35 years old, I'’ve got a birthday

coming up in a couple of months,

and if I'’m ever gonna get married,

it should be now.

But...

I just gotta have something to offer a wife.

Money isn'’t everything, Bill.

Depends on who'’s got it.

I'’m sure a girl would wait for you.

If she knew you loved her.

She don'’t.Why don'’t you tell her?

The way things are, it just ain'’t feasible.

Well, I just dropped in to say howdy.

Oh, stay, Bill, and let me make you some coffee.

I'’m heading out again tomorrow,

I gotta start packing my outfit.

Madge--

Madge Daly, you fool.

Bragging about how much you made.

He was all set to propose.

Eloise!

We'’ve struck it!

Paydirt, old girl!

Bill Bottle'’s hit it at last!

MAN: Hey, Bill.

What'’s this I hear about you being in the chips?

Yes, that'’s right. I sold my claim

to a San Francisco syndicate for cash.

How much? Uh, not that I'’m curious.

$100,000.

$100,000?

Baron Rothschild, himself!

I might even take a trip to Europe

to meet the old boy, who knows?

Anything'’s possible now.

Madge!

MADGE: Bill!

Why, I-- I hardly recognized you,

you look so grand.

Oh, this.

Just a ready-made suit I picked up in '’Frisco.

The tailor-mades are being shipped down.

Uh, be seeing you later, Bill.

Oh, at the Shoo-Fly? I'’m setting 'em up.

Oh, fine.

So your dream has come true, Bill.

Yes, I'’m sitting right on top of the heap.

Bank balance of six figures,

and like somebody once said, "the world is my oyster."

It was I who said it.

And you know the first thing I did

after I closed the deal?

Went over to the Poodle Dog Café

and ordered me two dozen of '’em on a half shell.

Oysters!Bill, I--

I thought you didn'’t like oysters.

And what do I find in one of them but a pearl.

Just goes to show you.

BILL: Them as has, gits.

And now, I suppose, the next thing you plan to do--

BILL: Celebrate!

The boys are waiting inside there now.

Oh.

Otherwise, I'’d be happy to see you home.

BILL: Well, don'’t work too hard, now.

[ chatter ]

Here! Quiet, quiet.

To Bill Bottle, the greatest guy

in the seven deserts.

To man'’s best friend, a Bottle.

[ laughter ]

♪♪ [ piano ]

Where'’d you get that name, Bill?

My folks, of course.

Didn'’t know you had any folks.

[ chuckling ]What'’d you think, the stork brought me?

Hid me under a cabbage leaf?

[ scoffs ] Sure, I got folks.

He was a Bottle baby.

[ laughter ]

I haven'’t seen any of them since I was a kid.

Father and mother both died.

Left home when I was only 12.

Just a half-pint Bottle, eh?

[ laughter ]

I don'’t see anything so funny in the name Bottle.

Bottle is an ancient and honorable name.

I'’m proud of it.

And they all ought to be proud of you, Bill.

Hey, to Bill'’s birthday!

Cheers!

Hey, six weeks off yet.

You'’ll throw a big party!

Yeah.

Yeah!

That I will.

A family party.

I'’ll round up all my relatives.

Where are they?

I don'’t know. All over.

How would you locate '’em?

Put a notice in the paper.

What paper?

All the big city papers.

'’Frisco, Denver, Chicago, New York,

Washington D.C.

You think there might be a Bottle in the Senate?

[ laughter ]

There might.

The Bottles are a fine old family.

Make no mistake about that.

I'’ll invite 'em all to come here to Darwin at my expense.

Take over the Bonanza Hotel lock, stock, and barrel.

I can afford it.

[ scoffs ] Be a joke on you

if none of '’em showed up.

They'’ll come, you wait and see.

To the Bottle family reunion.

To the Bottles!

[ knock on door ]

Good evening.

Oh. It'’s you, Mr. Crispin.

Well, who were you expecting?

My wife told me to come by and pick up her new dress.

I'’m just taking out the last bastings

and it'’s all ready.

Are they still celebrating?

No, party broke up.

Bill had to go home and write a notice

for the newspapers.What notice?

He'’s planning a big blowout on his birthday.

October the 19th.

Yeah, but you'’re not invited

and neither am I.

Nobody in Darwin'’s invited.

This is gonna be strictly en famille.

What do you mean?

Bill'’s putting a notice in all

the leading newspapers in the USA

inviting all his relatives, anybody by the name of Bottle,

to come to Darwin at his expense.

And he'’s gonna put '’em up at the hotel.

Then he'’s gonna throw a real ring-ding-bang of a banquet

with champagne and everything.

What do you think of that?

Why...

it really takes my breath away.

Well, I'’ll tell you what I think

and what the rest of the boys think.

We think that Mr. William C. Bottle

has suddenly got himself a bit of a big head

since he came into that $100,000.

His old friends aren'’t good enough anymore

to celebrate his birthday with.

He'’s gotta go dig up his long-lost fancy relatives.

Are they fancy?

There was a Bottle came over on the Mayflower,

there'’s Boston Back Bay Bottles,

Philadelphia Bottles, Virginia Bottles.

I had no idea he was so well connected.

Well, he kept it kind of dark while he was poor.

But now he wants to show off.

Well, I-- I suppose it'’s only natural.

I mean, blood is thicker than water.

He don'’t have to be so blamed exclusive.

Here'’s your wife's dress.

Yeah, after all, money isn'’t everything.

It all depends on who'’s got it...

as someone once remarked.

This is a surprise.

I-I was beginning to think I'’d never see you again.

Well, I'’ve been so busy the past few days.I know.

Oh, you'’ve heard about my birthday party?

It'’s the talk of the town.

I put a notice in all these papers.

You'’ll be swamped.

Oh, no, Bottle isn'’t so common.

Not like Smith or Jones.

Or Daly.Yeah.

Well, what I mean is--

How do you know a lot of Smiths and Joneses,

and Dalys, won'’t read this notice

and pass themselves off as Bottles?

Oh, they'’ve got to produce evidence they'’re related.

Copy of the family crest?Or something.

Now you'’re making fun of me.

Oh, no. Indeed I'’m not.

I think the whole thing is perfectly wonderful, Bill.

It'’s a lot of relatives I'’ll be meeting all at once.

I'’m counting on you to help me out.Me?

I want you to receive with me.

Sit beside me at the head of the table.

Oh, but I thought this was to be strictly

a family affair.It is.

All Bottles.

By birth or by marriage.

Bill.

Will you, Madge?

Are you, by any chance, proposing to me?

I know it'’s kinda sudden.

Sudden? After two years?

But I thought, with this big party coming off

and all these guests arriving,

a man in my position needs a wife.

It would be a convenience.

Sure would, I just gotta get me one.

I didn'’t mean it that way.

Gosh, I'’m making a botch of this.

I think you are.

Madge, I love you.

BILL: Ever since I first saw you.

Do you want me to get down on my knees and ask you?

No, don'’t!

Ow! MADGE: There'’s pins on the floor.

You'’re right.

Madge, will you marry me?

Maybe I'’d better wait till I'’ve met your family.

Oh, they'’ll like you.You think so?

And I can tell you one thing.

There won'’t be a better-dressed woman among '’em.

Even if you do make your own clothes.

Give me a little more time, Bill,

to think it over.

Well, all right.

But don'’t take too long about it,

the 19th isn'’t so far off.

And by now, that notice is already in the hands

of some of my relatives.

I'’ve had 17 acceptances so far, from all over the United States.

Well, we can take care of as many as come.

Pack '’em in.No three in a bed, now.

Not the Bottles, they'’re used to the best.

And I want clean sheets.You'’ll have 'em.

The banquet will be on the night of the 19th.

Six courses.

I understand Delmonico'’s in New York serves ten.

With toothpicks it'’ll be seven.

Well, all right.

Champagne'’s been ordered.

It'’ll really flow.

You want brandy for the gentlemen?

And cigars, the fifty cent kind.

I guess that'’s all for now.

I'’ll keep you posted with the numbers.

Just one regret so far, from a cousin in Oregon.

He'’s got an appointment on that date that just

can'’t be broken unless the Governor sees fit.The Governor?

Oh, the Bottles move in high society, believe me.

Just look at some of these credentials.

Here'’s one from...

Ambrose Bottle, one of the Washington Bottles.

This is his estate.

MADGE: Why, it must take a dozen gardeners

And he says this is only his summer home.

Here'’s another picture. You recognize him?

A racehorse?

Ran in the Kentucky Derby last year.

And who'’s that holding him? Sylvester Bottle.

Some of these aren'’t so interesting,

just diagrams of the family tree

proving relationship.

But here'’s one...

MADGE: "The Tabor Grand Opera House."

Denver.

You have an opera singer in the family?

Her name is Crystal.

Crystal Bottle.

How pretty.

I'’m hoping she'll sing for us at the banquet.

Madge, you and I will be travelling in fast company.

Bill, I...

I'’m not coming to the banquet.

BILL: Oh, no, Madge.

No, I mean it.

I'’m honored that you asked me

out of all the folks in Darwin.

You'’re the only one I care about.

I'’m sorry.

You don'’t have to make up your mind

now about marrying me, Madge.

You can wait till later.

But, come to the dinner, anyway, just as a...

as my guest, please.

I wouldn'’t belong. the company'’s too fast for me.

A mining camp dressmaker, I'’d be a fish out of water.

MADGE: It'’s your family, Bill.

And I don'’t blame you for bragging about them.

But, you entertain them. Alone.

So, this is the great day when the clan gathers.

That'’s right.

Where'’s the red carpet?

Here comes the stage.

Henry, stand back. All of you.

What'’s the matter, can'’t we breathe the same air?

Mr. William C. Bottle?Yes?

I'’m your cousin, Ambrose, from our nation'’s capitol.

CRISPIN: The senator?

[ laughter ]

Welcome to Darwin.

Thank you. Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.

[ gasps, whistling ]

You ain'’t seen nothing yet.

[ laughter ]

Mr. Bottle, I presume.

Yes.

I'’m your little cousin, Crystal.

From Denver.

The Rocky Mountain Canary.

You go to blazes.

[ laughter ]

[ chuckles ]

Charmed to be here.

♪♪ [bugle: "Call to Post"]

Mr. Bottle?

MAN: It'’s a pleasure.

Sylvester Bottle.

From the Cavanaugh Stud Farm.

Did you ever see such a collection in your life?

Deadbeats and floozies.

[ giggling ]

Look, a Chinaman.

You Mr. Bottle, William?Yes.

Me Mr. Bottle, Thomas.

What?

Very proud to meet you.

Are you sure?

"Thomas Y. Bottle."

"Knob Hill, San Francisco."

CRISPIN: A Chinese Bottle!

[ laughter ]

Me make mistake?

[ laughter ]

No mistake.

You'’re very welcome, Thomas.Thank you.

I'’m sure you must all be tired after your journey.

BILL: Won'’t you step inside and make yourselves at home?

It isn'’t commonly known, but the President comes to me,

quite often, for advice.

Very good food.

Beg your pardon, sir.

SYLVESTER: Oh, that'’s all right.

You should come to Denver sometime, cousin Bill.

[ everyone oohs and aahs ]

That'’s for me. That'’s what I like.Oh, it'’s lovely.

♪♪ [ Singing "For He'’s a Jolly Good Fellow" ]

[ all shouting "speech" ]

This is the first birthday party I'’ve spent

with any of my family since I was a kid.

I know we all get homesick, now and then,

for our own flesh and blood.

That'’s why I asked you here.

I certainly appreciate your coming here.

BILL: I hope you'’ve enjoyed yourself.

I'’d like to propose a toast.

To the Bottle Family.

Wherever they are, whoever they are.

My friends.

This food, tonight, should have choked me.

AMBROSE: This liquor should have strangled me.

For I have no right to be here.

I am not a Bottle.

AMBROSE: I am a faker. An imposter.

A pretender.

A humbug.

I invented my genealogy.

AMBROSE: Forged my credential

and had every intention to take further advantage

of my host,

who I regarded as a sucker.

But, my friends, I was wrong.

Bill Bottle is a thoroughbred.

One of nature'’s noblemen.

And if I had any wish in this world tonight,

it would be that I could claim relationship to him.

[ all cheer ]

Happy Birthday!

I'’d like to say something

before anyone yells, "Get the hook."

I wanna say that this is the most wonderful party I ever attended.

CRYSTAL: I'’ve had it pretty rough all my life.

Been kicked around plenty.

But this is the first time I can remember

when I was made to feel as good as anybody.

A regular lady.

I wish I...well, I wish I didn'’t ever have to go back.

I'’m a fake, too.

Please...

Thomas Y. Bottle make speech too.

Me no born Thomas Y. Bottle.

THOMAS: Me houseboy for Mr. Thomas Y. Bottle.

Take his name.

Mr. Thomas Y. Bottle president of Bank San Francisco.

Live in big house Knob Hill.

Own horses, carriages, steam yacht.

Wife with diamonds and sealskin coat.

Thomas Y. Bottle great man.

But not so great as our Mr. Bottle.

Our Mr. Bottle have something greatest of all.

A great heart.

ALL: Hooray!

ALL: Hooray!

Blow out the candles on your cake, Bill.

Make a wish.

[ all agree ]

♪♪ [ Singing "For He'’s a Jolly Good Fellow" ]

Well, where are you heading?

Out.

Quitting town, eh?

Well, I should think you would.

The laughingstock of Darwin.

You know, if I were you, the next town I settled in

I'’d change my name.

News travels fast [ cackles ]

Oh, Bill!

[ Madge yells, thud ]

[ moans ]

My ankle, I twisted it.

Here, let me help you into the store.

Oh, no, I'’d rather go home.

If you just give me an arm

I think I can hobble that far.

You don'’t think it'’s broken?

No, just a bad sprain.

I'’ll go get the doctor.

MADGE: Oh, Bill, no.

You really ought to have it bandaged

before it starts swelling.

Wait!

But his office is right on my way,

I can send him back.

Bill, please!

Madge?

Your ankle.

There'’s nothing the matter with my ankle.

I only pretended.

I just wanted a chance to see you.

Why? Rub it in?

Bill, last time you were in this room

you asked me to marry you.And you were smart.

You said "you'’d better wait until you'’d seen my relatives."

And now I'’ve seen them.

Lucky escape for you, all right.

You mean the offer doesn'’t hold anymore?

Madge, I know I acted like a fool about my relatives.

Until they actually turned up.

Then you were magnificent."Magnificent?"

Oh, Bill, I was so proud of you.

You received them as though you were

really glad to see them.

You made them welcome.

Well, gosh, I'’d invited them.

That'’s just what I mean.

I'’m not apologizing for them now.

They were a funny lot, I grant you.

Like all relatives.

But most of them were better than they looked.

I'’m sorry, now, I didn't get a chance to meet them.

My future in-laws.

Madge. Madge! You mean--

Do I have to get down on my knees and ask you?

There are pins on the floor.

You'’re willing to become a Bottle?

As long as it'’s Mrs. William C. Bottle.

You'’re the only one that matters, darling.

How soon will you marry me?

Oh, right away.

Before you see any of my relatives.

And the moral of this story is,

the Lord gave us our relatives,

but thank the Lord we can choose our own wives...

and husbands.