Original subtitles

OLD RANGER: And now,Death Valley Days.

♪♪ [ trumpet ]

Hyah! Yah!

Yah! Yah!

Howdy, folks. I'’m the Old Ranger,

and I have another interesting true story for you

about the historic Death Valley country.

There'’s nothing like a rivalry between mining camps--

each of them trying to be the first in ore output

and the biggest population.

I even knew of one Gold Rush town

that boasted of having the largest consumption of liquor.

But the towns of Tonopah and Goldfield topped them all

with a contest over...

And so, folks, because this contest

over who is the homeliest man is real important,

we'’ve been real careful in selecting the judges.

First, Mr. Joe Scarlatti.

Mr. Scarlatti is the town sartorial artist from Carson City.

Mr. Sydney Janks.

A traveling photographer with the eye of a camera.

[ laughter ]

And third, Miss Faye Catrell of Beatty.

[ applause ]

An expert when it comes to men.

[ laughter ]

[ laughing ]

And now for our contestants.

Mr. Lou Witherspoon of Tonopah.

[ crowd jeering ]

And Mr. Clem Scobie of Goldfield.

[ crowd cheering ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

the unanimous choice of the judges

as the Homeliest Man in Nevada is...

Mr. Clem Scobie of Goldfield.

[ cheering ]

[ applause continues ]

[ chattering ]

I'’m gonna have to lead the grand march.

Yeah? Who'’s the lucky girl this time?

[ laughs ] Lacey.

Oh. I'’m taking Winnie.

Of course, she'’s no beauty, but, boy, can she trip the light fantastic.

Pretty good.[ laughing ]

What girl are you bringing to the dance tonight, Clem?

Why, uh--Aw, what girl would go with him?

Oh, I don'’t know.

Hey, he may be right, at that.

There'’s that nearsighted female

works down at the telegraph office.Yeah.

If he catch her some time with her glasses off, she might say yes.

[ laughter ]

Now, wait a minute. Is that a nice way to talk?

Clem here'’s a world-beater, a title-holder. [ laughs ]

Yeah, but it ain'’t the kind of title that gets you a girl.

[ laughs ] Hey, Clem, you ever had a girl?

Uh, sure.

When?

Why, I got one now.

Yeah? What'’s her name?

Oh, you wouldn'’t know her. She'’s from away.

When did you meet her?

Uh, last time I was down in Beatty.

She'’s the prettiest girl west of the Rockies.

You got a picture of her?

What difference does that make?

Well, we'’re from Missouri, Clem.

Well, I'’ll show ya.When? When are you gonna show us?

Soon.

Tonight? The dance?

Uh, maybe.

Well, that'’s fine. We'’ll be waiting for you.

I-I said maybe.

Now, look, Clem, if you don'’t turn up at the dance tonight with this girl,

you'’re gonna get another medal pinned on you--

a medal that reads: "I'’m the Biggest Liar in Nevada."

[ laughter ]

[ chatter, laughter ]

[ chatter, laughter continue ]

WOMAN: Help! Help!

Help!

Let me go! Somebody help me!

You all right, ma'’am?

Yes, I-- Oh, thank you very much.

Suppose you let me walk you to wherever you'’re going?

But I don'’t know where that is.

You see, I just arrived her on the evening stage,

and, well, I left my luggage at the depot until I find a place to live.

You got no friends in Goldfield? No.

Well, I'’d recommend Mrs. Axton'’s on Crook Avenue.

"Crook"?Don'’t let the name scare you.

She'’s a very nice woman.

Runs the best hotel in Goldfield,

as well as the best restaurant.

Restaurant? Maybe she'’d give me a job as a waitress.

Won'’t do no harm to ask her. [ chuckles ]

You'’ll like Mrs. Axton. They don'’t come any better.

Mrs. Axton! Mrs. Axton!

Be there in a minute!

Sit down if you have a mind to. I'’ll turn up the light.

Oh!

Where did you come from?

Why, from Emporia, Kansas.

My name is Mona Sherman.

And I'’m Clem Scobie.

I know.You know?

Yes. I-- I saw your picture

in the Emporia paper, with the medal you won.

You did?

I never knowed the news traveled that far.

Oh, it'’s you, Clem.Yessum.

This here'’s Mona Sherman, just arrived here from Emporia, Kansas.

How do you do?How do you do?

I told her there wasn'’t a better place in town to stay,

and-- and that you might give her a job as a waitress.

Have you ever worked as a waitress, dear?

Yes, ma'’am. The Harvey House in Emporia.

Oh, the Harvey House.

I was there for over a year.

The only reason I left was because I wanted to come West.

If you worked at the Harvey House,

that'’s recommendation enough for me.

It just so happens I can use a waitress,

and it just so happens I have a room.

Oh, that'’s wonderful, Mrs. Axton.

You wait here, and I'’ll go get my keys.

Well, this looks like your lucky day.

I'’m terribly grateful, Mr. Scobie.

I'’m just glad I happened along.

I don'’t know how I can ever thank you enough.

I'’ll tell you how.

You can go to the dance with me tonight. Dance?

Well, I know we just met,

and it sounds nervy of me,

but, well, the truth is,

I'’ve got myself in a jam.

Told the boys I'’d be there tonight

with the prettiest girl west of the Rockies,

and you'’re it!

So, if you will help me out,

then it'’ll be my lucky day too.

Mr. Scobie has just asked me to go to a dance with him tonight.

Oh, I hope you do.

It'’ll give you a chance to meet the young folks.

Well, I-- I'’ve only known Mr. Scobie for such a short time--

My dear, I can vouch for Clem.

You'’ll be as safe as in church with him.

After all, he is the Homeliest Man in Nevada.

[ laughing ]

I'’d be very happy to go with you, Clem.

♪♪ [ upbeat tempo ]

So we rigged up a medal that says, "I am the Biggest Liar in Nevada."

[ laughter ]

And when he shows up, we'’re gonna give it to him.

Hi, fellas.

Clem, it'’s good to see you.

Yeah. We was wondering where you were.

Here'’s Clem, folks.

Never seems like a party without good ol'’ Clem.

Uh, this is Miss Mona Sherman.

Friends of mine.How do you do?

Pleased to meet you.How do you do?

♪♪ [ continues ]

My, that'’s certainly good dance music.

Trouble is, Clem doesn'’t dance. You don'’t?

But I do.Uh, me, too!

May I have the pleasure? [ chuckles ] Oh!

Why, the son of a gun.

He'’s got a lot of crust.

That'’s what I was thinking.

Just when I was gonna ask her.

Clem sure hit the nail on the head.

Oh, she sure is the prettiest girl this side of the Rockies.

Mm. I wonder why she left the dance so early,

when it was just the shank of the evening.

She was tired, that'’s why.

Well, it'’s Mona you'’re talking about, isn'’t it?

Yes.She'’d had a long journey.

All the way from Beatty.

All the way from Kansas.

Kansas?Emporia.

She was a Harvey Girl there.

Are you sure?

She told me so herself when I hired her.

You mean she'’s working here?

Starting today.

Well, how do you like that?

Clem saying she was his girl from Beatty.

He never laid eyes on her before.

Yeah. He sure pulled a fast one on us.

Hey, we gotta think of something to get even.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

What are we sore about?Huh?

When you find a good claim that hasn'’t been filed on, what do you do?

File on it.

Right.

[ chuckles ]

[ clears throat ]

Oh, hello, Clem.

I thought if you weren'’t doing anything tonight...

But you are.I'’m afraid so.

Bruce Courtright is picking me up in just a few minutes.

Oh. Well, how about tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night I have an engagement, too,

with, uh, George Boyd.

Night after that?Let'’s see. That'’s Tuesday.

Oh, that'’s the night I said I'’d save for--

what'’s his name-- Luther Grummond.

Boys sure ain'’t wasted any time, have they?

Wednesday?

Every night this week is filled.

I'’m terribly sorry.

There'’s a miners' picnic next Sunday.

I know. Bruce is taking me.

Again?

I mean...

Well, you'’re going out with Bruce tonight.

You bet she is.

How are you, beautiful?

Oh, just fine, Bruce.

I am sorry.So am I.

Well, see you later, handsome.

Yeah.

[ sniffs ]

Good morning, gorgeous.

MONA: Oh, it'’s you, Bruce.

Are you responsible for these?

Do you like them?Oh, I love them.

[ sniffs ] [ chuckles ] I'’m glad.

They just suit you.[ sniffs ]

MONA: Thank you very much, Bruce.

Hello, Mrs. Axton.

Hello, dear. Have a good time?

Oh, wonderful!

Oh! [ inhales sharply ]

Oh, does that feel good.

[ inhales sharply ] My feet are killing me.

Standing on them all day.

Dancing on them all night isn'’t exactly restful.

[ chuckling ] No, I guess not.

Oh! I have to polish these for the picnic tomorrow.

Polish is in the cupboard on the back porch.

[ yawns ] Not tonight.

I'’ll just put them right over here under the table,

do it first thing in the morning.

I'’d better light your way so you won'’t stub your toe in your stocking feet.

[ door closes ]

I just sort of happened to overhear what Mona said,

and I'’m pretty good at shining shoes.

[ chuckles ]

Oh, all set for the picnic, dear? All set.

Oh, she sure looks pretty, doesn'’t she?

From the top of her curly head

to the tip of her polishedshoes.

Oh, yes. You know,

I left them over there last night to polish this morning,

but when I came down to get them, this is the way they were.

I don'’t know who to thank for it.

Well, if you don'’t know who to thank, thank me. [ chuckling ]

MONA: Thank you. You'’re welcome.

You know, I'’ve never been to a picnic like this before.

Well, you'’ll have fun. I'’ll see to that.Oh...

[ laughing ]

I tell you, Duke, you'’ve never seen a homelier guy in your life.

[ laughing ] Oh, there he is now.

Look, go on up to him and ask him to show you his medal.

Go on. Have some fun. [ laughing ]

Well, hello, handsome.Hello, ya horse thief.

[ laughing ]

Call me a horse thief!

Then don'’t call me "handsome."

That'’s telling him, Clem! Defend your honor!

You didn'’t think I meant it, did ya?That'’s why I didn't like it.

You see, when folks I know poke fun at the way I look,

I can grin at it and figure they'’re joking.

But when a stranger does it,

then it'’s an insult, and I don'’t like insults.

Well, then, you sure must hate that face of yours,

'’cause it's the biggest insult I ever saw.

[ men shouting ] MAN: Hit him!

Oh!

That'’s Clem! Oh, my God, Clem!

Cover your nose!

MAN: Hit him!

[ men shouting in encouragement ]

Come on!Don'’t take it on the chin!

Let him have it! MAN: Hit him!

Come on! Get up! Ohh!

[ shouting in encouragement continues ]

Come on, Clem!

Get up! Get up!Get up!

Ohh!

Get up!Come on!

Get up!Hit him, boy!

Get up! Get up!Come on, Clem!

[ laughter ]

[ chattering ]

I'’ve had enough.

[ laughter ]

Clem...

[ chattering ]

You look somewhat the worse for wear, Duke. [ laughing ]

Yeah, we'’ll have to give Clem another medal... for fighting.

MAN: Yeah. [ laughter ]

You oughta be ashamed of yourselves.What did we do?

You had something to do with it. I know that.

You'’re always laughing at him,

holding him up for ridicule, humiliating him!

No. He loves it.

Would you love it,

having your picture in the paper as the homeliest man?

Always being reminded of it?

Something you couldn'’t help?

I think it'’s cruel and contemptible.

And if I'’d have been Clem, I--

I would'’ve knocked the daylights out of all of you!

[ knocking on door ]

Who is it? It'’s me, Mona.

Well?

Clem, I'’m so sorry.

Sorry that I won?

I just gave Bruce and the others a piece of my mind

for the way they'’ve been treating you.

Treating me how?

Making you a laughingstock.

On account of my looks?

But I am funny.

I laugh myself every time I look in the mirror.

Oh, Clem, don'’t.

Why, I'’m the Homeliest Man in Nevada.

Haven'’t you heard? Not even a mother could love a face like mine.

One look at me, and the kids all run home to bed with the screaming meemies!

Now you'’re being ridiculous.

Now I'’m ridiculous, am I?

In addition to being hideous, now I'’m ridiculous!

Hideous, ridiculous! Ridiculous, hideous!Stop it!

Stop it! You'’re feeling sorry for yourself.

Oh, I am, am I?

My face-- I don'’t mind it. You see, I'’m behind it.

It'’s people like you that I jar!

When you'’ve lived in a mining camp longer, honey,

you'’ll understand how the fellas carry on.

I could never get used to it.

Blackguarding each other.But it'’s all in fun.

The boys are fond of Clem.

Then why do they hurt him?

Because he is hurt deep down.

I don'’t care how he tries to laugh it off.

I believe you'’re fond of him yourself.

I feel sorry for him.

Well, there'’s no doubt how he feels about you.

All the nice little things he does for you--

bringing you flowers, polishing your shoes, and--

Clem?

Oh, I-- I thought it was Bruce.

It was Clem.

[ explosion ][ gasps ]

What was that? An earthquake?

[ alarm blaring ]Mine explosion!

[ alarm continues blaring ]

Where did this happen, Bruce?

The south drift.

Bruce, what are you doing up here?

I was lucky. I was transferred to the day shift, starting today.

[ alarm continues blaring ]

Who is it, George?

Clem.[ gasps ]

Dead?

No. But he might as well be.

Explosion got him right in the face.

[ sniffles ]

[ no audible dialogue ]

[ sighs ]

You mean you forgot all about our date?

I'’m afraid so, Bruce.

Is that all you care about, going out with me?

Oh, please, Bruce. I don'’t feel like arguing.

Mona! What'’s come over you?

What'’s gone wrong between us?

Do you really wanna know?Sure.

There'’s the reason.

But I don'’t see anything wrong.

No. You wouldn'’t.

It'’s just that I can'’t stand

that handsome face of yours anymore. Mona!

And the conceit that goes with it.

The complacence!But I--

You never get in fights.

No. Nor mine explosions.

Or anything that would mar that manly beauty.

Mona, listen.I haven'’t got time.

I'’m taking the first stage out of here.

Where you going?To Los Angeles.

To the hospital to see Clem Scobie.

Nurse, will you straighten my pillow, please?

Hello, Clem.

Mona.

They said I can only stay five minutes.

What brings you to Los Angeles?

What do you think?

You didn'’t come all the way from Goldfield just to see me?

Yes.Not much to look at but bandages.

The boys send their regards. Thanks.

They really feel terrible about you, Clem.

Well, better it happened to me than anyone else.

At least I had nothing to lose.

Don'’t say that.

And I got a lot to gain.

I'’ve been talking with a doctor here.

Uh, what do you call '’em?

A plastic surgeon.

He'’s gonna make me a whole new face.

Honest?

It'’ll take time, of course,

and a lot of operations,

but he says it can be done.

I'’m gonna order a square chin

and a Grecian nose.

I'’ll be better-looking than Bruce.

You'’ll never recognize me.

[ sighs ]

Mona, what'’s the matter?

Oh, it'’s just that I'’m gonna miss your old face.

The ugliest mug in Nevada.

Not even a mother could love it.

I love it.

Mona, you don'’t mean you could love a fella looks the way I look?

Oh, yes, I do.

Oh, Mona honey.

Well.

Patient'’s feeling better, I see.

Doc, you don'’t know how much better.

I'’ll come back later.

Tell me, Doc,

how do you go about this face-building business?

What do you use for a guide?

A photograph of the patient, generally, if there is one.

There is. If you'’ll look in my wallet,

in that drawer.

[ drawer opens ] That'’s a medal I won.

The newspaper clipping with my picture tells what for.

It'’s a wonder that face of mine didn'’t break the camera.

We don'’t necessarily have to follow this.

Maybe we could improve on nature.

Hang it, Doc. She likes my face.

I see.

So, if it ain'’t too much strain

on your surgical skills, Doc,

I'’d be much obliged if you'’d turn me out of here

looking just like the guy that won that medal.

I like that story. Makes me realize

there'’s no such a thing as the homeliest man or woman.

It all depends on who'’s looking at 'em.

♪♪ [ trumpet ]