Original subtitles

Thank goodness you're home. I really need you right now. I dropped my ring

the drain. Do you guys know how to...

Whoa.

Well, who was it?

It was like, um, a poptical illusion.

I thought it was that hot chick from downstairs telling me that she really

me right now.

No, Beavis, I'm sure that really happened and wasn't a dream.

We're never gonna score.

Damn landlord.

butthole again.

If I wanted to pay the rent, I would have done it already.

When's he gonna learn?

Whoa!

Um, butthead, it's happening again.

I'm having that illusion.

Come look.

Why'd you shut the door on me?

He doesn't have a big IQ, ma 'am.

You know what the counselor said it was?

69.

Do you know anything about plumbing? I dropped my mom's ring down the drain.

Don't you worry.

I think we know how to handle our pipes.

How about that? Is the ring out?

Not yet.

Let me try the plunger again.

There we go.

I think it's working.

You guys can go home. I called a real plumber.

Yeah, probably a good idea, you know, let a pro deal with it, you know?

Hey, no, dumbass, that hot chick needs us.

We're doing this.

Now, I'm going to put my hand down the drain. Uh -huh, yeah. So whatever you

don't turn on that garbage disposal thing.

Okay, got it, yeah.

Yeah, so turn it on then, right?

No, dumbass, do not turn it on.

Okay, well, it seems kind of crazy, but...

I'll do it.

Hold it right there, asswipes.

Get your goddamn hand out of that drain right now.

Todd? That's really Todd.

I would most feel to be a bird.

This guy, Irish.

Oh, he's Irish, all right.

Irish, he would shut up and stop singing.

I think that was a dad joke, but... How would you know,

Beavis? You don't have a dad.

That's true.

A dad joke for you would be like, Beavis, I'm glad you're my son.

I want to spend more time with you.

And everyone knows if I'm alive or dead.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Oh, boy.

Is this song ever going to, like, speed up or something?

Uh, no.

I think it's getting slower.

I think I know what he's doing here. See, it's really slow now, but it's just

going to kick in any second, you know?

Here it comes.

Drop the bass.

How does it feel to be a bird?

No.

Guess I was wrong.

I think now there's less bass.

He didn't drop anything.

Yeah, I guess not.

Oh, boy.

This guy looks like one of those guys where, like, his dad wanted him to learn

to box and become a fighter, but he wanted to sit around and write poems.

His dad was right.

Yeah, really.

He was like, no, dad, I don't want to learn to fight. My words are my fists.

And then his dad was like, well, my fists are my fists.

And then he punched him in the face.

Whoa.

Is he doing laundry now?

Yeah.

She wet the bed.

Quit your whimpering and your whining and do some laundry.

Your sheets need a good washing.

You've been in there spanking your wee monkey, Dermot Kennedy.

You know, this is like the most bad that it could possibly be, you know?

Yeah.

He, like, showed the video to his friends, and they were like, uh, Dermot,

kind of sucks.

And then he was like, kind of.

Well, just watch me.

I'm going to make it suck harder than anything I've ever sucked before.

More birds.

More shots of the water.

And no drums.

If I hear the sound of one drum, I'm going to punch you with my words.

When I'm face to face with death, I'll grab his throat. Self -expression sucks.

So do you remember that time you threw us in your trunk by the railroad tracks?

No.

Do you remember when you threw us in your trunk at the pool?

No. What about the time you threw us in your trunk by the creek? You remember

that one?

Huh.

I guess I do remember messing with a couple of losers who were always in my

face. Yes, yes, he remembers us.

Both were the happiest times of our lives.

And there it is.

Felina, got something for you.

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you, Todd.

Thank you.

I'll get my checkbook.

Whoa. How'd you do that?

Easy, man.

I pull some chick's ring out of her drain just about every damn day.

And they always hug you like that?

That ain't all they do.

Whoa, really?

We want to be plumbers. Yes.

Teach us, Todd.

Teach us the way of the pipe.

You know, maybe I do owe you for all the crap I did back in the day.

They call it bullying now, I guess.

Yeah, bullying is cool.

Yeah, I'm doing a job on Fifth and Green. Be there tomorrow, and you can

your education.

Beavis, Todd is going to turn us into plumbers.

And then we will score.

By the end of the day, we can test the hookup to the street.

Hey, Todd.

Todd. It's us.

Yeah, Todd.

We got here early.

So when do we start scoring?

Got no time to screw around, asswipes. We gotta lay a lot of pipe today.

Shut up.

Okay, I'll walk you through this.

First, we're gonna cut some two -inch holes.

I said shut up!

Sorry, Todd.

You're, like, so cool that sometimes when you say things, I, like, get

distracted and... Jesus Christ, you dumbass!

Put that down now!

You know what?

I got a better job for you two.

So, what I need you two dickheads to do is go down there, find the shit pipe,

and clean it out.

Really? You'd trust us with that?

Fair warning, you're going to find all kinds of excrement, and I do mean all

kinds. Plus, motor oil, congealed fat, razor blades, things of this nature.

Usually we use a rooter, but this job calls for bare hands.

Makes sense to me.

Yeah, sounds right.

Goggles off, gloves off.

Take your time. Make sure you touch everything.

We will, Todd.

You can count on us.

I can't believe we're doing this on day one.

Yep.

This kicks ass.

Really? Ooh,

there's some excrement.

Wow, butthead.

This must be what plumbers smell like.

That's right. When chicks get a whiff of this, they're gonna go crazy.

Oh, yeah.

Bad news, pussies.

Since you guys went in the shit pipe, there's been a downturn in the plumbing

business. You're fired.

Well, at least we helped you out, you know?

Uh, you didn't. I just made you touch a lot of shit.

Cool, I mean.

But you're gonna pay us, right?

No, I'm not gonna do that.

Yeah, Beavis.

He's not gonna do that.

Dumbass.

I got a better idea.

Just like old times, you know.

Yeah.

Makes me feel young again.

Yeah, it was nice reconnecting with him and stuff, you know.

Pretty good day, you know.

It was the best day of my life.

Okay,

class, it's come to my attention that some of you have been using AI to do

homework for you. Whoa, what's AI?

AI stands for Artificial Intelligence, butthead. And if you use it to do your

homework for you, you'll never learn anything.

Yeah, that sounds cool.

Learning sucks.

AI kicks ass.

Well, no.

There's a concern that AI will take over all of our jobs and replace humans

entirely. Yes.

Jobs suck.

No. What I'm saying is, if we're not careful, AI could destroy humanity

Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.

Destroy it all.

Destroy.

Beavis, we need to get us some of this AI.

I wonder if AI could help us score.

Of course it can, dumbass. If it can destroy jobs and homework, it must score

all the time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe it could teach us.

Whoa, Beavis, look.

A -I.

We found it, Beavis.

That's the A -I.

Whoa, and they keep it right outside the Maxi Mart.

That's, like, convenient.

Yeah,

look at that.

It really does look advanced.

Check it out.

This technology is amazing.

Is it really going to teach us to score?

It better.

Hey, AI, how do we score?

How do we score?

Hey, come on, tell us how to score.

Do something, come on.

Are you talking to me?

Yeah, we're talking to you.

Yeah, come on.

Answer our question.

Obey us now.

Go to hell, man. You can't tell me what to do.

Yes, we can.

You did everybody else's homework.

Now do something for us.

I didn't do anybody's homework.

Yes, you did.

Vandreessen told us.

What the hell are you talking about, man?

Don't make us kick your ass.

I'd like to see you try, man.

Well, now you did it.

Son of a bitch.

Come on over here. Give it your best shot, man. Come on. That's what we're

doing, dumbass.

You want more? Come on.

Whoa. Beavis, check it out.

The AI did our homework.

Whoa. It must have fallen out of its, like, homework hole or something.

Our homework must have something to do with cats.

Amazing. Even I didn't know that.

The future is here, or something.

I mean, I'd rather know how to score, you know, but... Yeah, this isn't bad,

know.

Hey, I, um... Thanks for doing our homework.

I didn't do shit!

Well, it doesn't seem like much to you, but I couldn't have done this in a

million years.

Yeah.

A picture of a cat and some words.

Genius.

Yeah, sorry about getting mad before, you know.

You're not so bad. You're pretty cool.

That's okay, man.

It's all good. You guys are cool.

You're cool, too, AI.

And also really smart, you know?

See you later.

Yay! A 190 -calorie wrap with 10 calories of sauce on it.

I'm not kidding. This one's 200 calories, and this one's 200 calories.

That guy applied for a chef job?

But they said, uh, I'm sorry, sir, you're going to need to put on a shirt.

And he was like, no can do.

Yeah, because you're a freaking moron. No can do.

All I ever wear is this striped apron.

This is what you're eating.

Think how stupid you are.

200 calories. How come he has a cat with a jockstrap running around?

Uh, I think that cat's like a stripper.

I made the cats wear jockstraps because a cat's schlong is half the calories of

a dog's schlong. Now, which one would you rather eat, you friggin' moron?

Barely legal cat strippers all up in this kitchen. Oh, Jesus Christ.

It's like a cat Chippendales in here. Look at all these stripper cats.

Oh, you know, it's not just the cats that wear jockstraps in this kitchen,

friggin' moron.

Okay, Beavis.

Right, Baby Nicky?

Wait a minute.

He named his cat Baby Dicky?

Yeah.

You know, I was going to make a joke about it, but when you name your cat

Dicky... Is this, like, too easy or something?

Yeah, that's what they call them. Low -hanging fruit, you know?

Low -hanging... You need this

to bulk.

He's like, bad news, baby Dicky.

You're also 200 calories.

You know, it's the cats over there by the microwave, you know?

Open it up and put them on in there.

I'm actually kind of worried that he is going to put the cat in the microwave.

Why?

You care about cats all of a sudden?

Well, no. Just because if he does, you know he's going to turn around.

And then we're going to have to see his naked butt.

Oh, yeah.

This butt cheek is 200 calories.

And this butt cheek is 200 calories. You freaking moron.

I need to trick you all because you're a bunch of morons.

Here's our homework, sir.

Yeah, we made AI do it, just like you said.

Boys, this isn't the assignment.

You're supposed to do a worksheet on fractions.

Okay. What?

Check it again.

It's AI we're talking about. Come on.

Is a fraction like a cat?

No. A fraction is a way to express a number with a numerator and a

We've been over this, okay?

Damn it! A .I. lied to us! That lousy butthole.

Okay, could you please sit down? Andreessen, we'll be right back. We

kick A .I.'s ass.

Yeah, it shouldn't take too long. It is a wuss.

A .I., you dumbass. You did the wrong homework.

And you never taught us to score!

Because you want to feel smart by making us feel dumb.

Well, it's not going to work.

Kick its ass.

Son of a bitch.

Prankton is not a cat.

Dumbass. Shut up. I'm trying to sleep.

Well, we don't care, butthole. You suck.

Okay, that's it.

I've had enough of you dicks.

Uh, who are you?

You want to help us beat up this AI?

To me!

Hey! AI, tell us how to kick this guy's ass. Fast.

Come on, you know how to destroy stuff.

Come on, help!

Help!

Well,

that sucked.

Yeah, what's that guy's problem?

This AI is, like, full of ice.

That's weird.

AI! Why is it so cold in here?

Oh, boy.

That's not going to tell us, buddy.

Hey, AI.

How do you, like, get out of an AI?

Yeah, yeah, I mean, like, how do you score?

Yeah, we're not leaving until you give us an answer.

Yeah, we can wait here all day, buddy.

We got nothing but time.

And that's the story of how we met.

If we had this couch in our apartment, we could finally start inviting chicks

over.

I'll take this end, and you take that end.

Uh, no.