Original subtitles

Hey buddy, check it out.

I got a caramel apple.

Caramel apple.

You're eating fruit?

No, it's good. The caramel, like, kills the apple taste.

Plus, um, it's like got a stick up its butt.

That's cool.

I want a bite.

Um, I don't know, butthead, what about your braces?

I don't think you're supposed to have, like, sticky foods or something.

Don't tell me what to chew, butthole.

Whoa.

That's funny, butthead. Your braces are stuck.

I'm sorry, butthead. I can't hear you because you've got, like, an apple stuck

in your mouth or something.

No,

I don't think that's going to work, butthead.

I'm just going to try to get the apple off.

Burt, I will kill you.

You're welcome.

It's pretty stuck, Butt -head.

But don't worry, I've got an idea.

Okay, Butt -head, now I'm... Now, like, I'm... Like, stand very, very still.

Remember,

hold still.

And...

Whoops. It's not my fault. You moved. I told you.

Let me try again.

Okay. I think maybe this time I'm going to

close my eyes, you know?

Kind of like a piñata.

Whoa.

What happened?

What are those things that look just like your braces?

Wait a second.

I'm beautiful.

going on guys shane here man oh yeah i've seen these guys before yeah it's

and ant but i first want to remind you guys that violence is not cool fighting

should only wait a minute violence is not cool who told him that no they got

that wrong but violence is cool especially when it's unprovoked i think

a law where like you have to say violence isn't cool and then once you do

like, totally okay to do violence.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that figures.

Thanks again, fat cat.

This is, like, a good video to learn how to fight a person who's just standing

completely still, making a stupid face, and not fighting back at all.

I mean, not me.

I do see people like that sometimes.

You know, I guess I could kick their ass.

It's going to be when you're a little closer, when you're clenched up. I think

Ant's mom is like going out with Shane's dad.

And she was like,

you know, Ant, Jim's son also makes YouTube videos. Maybe you guys could go

the park and make one together.

And then Ant was like, do I really have to hang out with him?

And then she's like,

now look, Ant, I love his father very much.

I know you don't like him. But just give it a chance. Come on, I need this to

work. This is my last chance.

Aunt, I know I told you it wasn't your fault I divorced.

But it was.

So don't screw this one up.

You owe me, aunt.

You were an accident anyway.

Mom, do I have to call Shane's father dad?

You call him whatever he wants. You call him your lord and master if he asks for

it. Because I'll tell you what I call him. I call him all I've got left.

Yeah, my mom always told me it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as

a poor man.

Except when you have a son like Ant screwing it up for you. Now, come on.

Now, just go down to the park and let that twerk punch you in the throat. Just

do it.

I can take care of the rest.

Settle down, Beavis.

That'll carry it away. Fight it. Fight it.

You really do look different without your braces, butthead.

That's because I'm hot now, Beavis.

I mean, I was hot before, but now I'm, like, even hotter.

Whoa. So, um, so what's it like?

You know how it's, like, cool when you see a chick's butt?

Um, yeah, yeah.

Well? I'm like that now, Beavis.

I'm like a chick's butt, but to chicks.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Whoa.

That's cool.

Are you going to sit down?

No, I am not.

I'm way too hot to sit with you.

I'm going to go sit at the popular table.

Okay, yeah, that's cool.

Don't worry, Beavis.

I'm not going to forget the little people.

The little people who are also ugly.

Oh, good, good.

That's a relief.

Hey.

Like,

what's up? Or something.

I'm like one of you now.

You can't sit here, dumbass. This is a cool table.

Yeah, but they all left.

That's because they're not cool enough.

There'll be cooler people coming.

Okay, but can I just sit at this table until they get here?

No. You have to go over there and sit with Cody.

But Cody sucks.

That's why you have to sit with him.

Everyone has to sit with people at their own level.

Okay.

I don't make the rules, Beavis.

It sucks.

People have been telling me to get a slow -mo camera because it'll look great

when I'm doing stunts.

This guy thinks it's, like, really funny if he shouts the first part of every

sentence.

This guy is really weird looking, buddy. Did you notice that?

It's like somebody took a dork's head and sewed it on the body of a really

ripped guy.

Yeah, it's like that other guy, you know, he's got a dork head and a dork

and he just looks like, you know, like a dork. Yeah, but not this guy. He looks

like whoever made him screwed up.

I wonder if like...

His body makes fun of his head.

Yeah, the body's like, I'm going to go score, and you're not allowed to look.

Go score with your own schlong, or your nose.

You're like, well, I got shot in the butt, but, you know, I'll get eight

so it'll be worth it.

Those ripples remind me of when you're standing next to a lake, and you pick up

a rock, and then you throw it.

And then it hits somebody's bare butt cheek and it looks just like that.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Very peaceful.

You know, if he shot that pellet, like, down the center of his butt, you know,

it would not bounce back.

And, I mean, you know what else? And if you played it backwards, it would look

like he was having, like... A tiny little blue pellet poop.

And then he would fly out of his bunghole and into that guy's gun.

I don't know how your mind works, Beaver.

I'm sorry.

Hey, baby.

How's it going?

Okay. What's up, bros?

Scoring with chicks?

We know what that's like.

Hey, Butt -head.

School's over. Wanna go, uh... No, Beavis. I'm very busy.

I'm looking at something.

It's a shame I can't score with myself.

Damn it, Butt -head! I'm tired of this crap!

I knocked your braces off the bat, and now I'm going to use a bat to knock them

back on.

How are you going to put my braces on with a bat?

Are your braces back on?

No.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

I don't know why I thought that would work.

Well, they managed to get most of your teeth back in. That's pretty cool.

Yeah. And now I have to wear these braces until I'm like 25.

Yep. And you still never scored.

That nurse said I'm still beautiful on the inside.

Yeah, that means you're ugly, I think.

I know, Beavis.

Shut up.

Butthead, can I put the bags in your basket there?

No.

The basket is for my personal items.

I forgot.

Oopsie -daisy.

Oh, boy.

Here we go.

Hurry up, butt -head. Come on. Hang on.

Gotta take my little rest.

A lot of stairs today.

I always have to wait for you on the stairs because you're fat.

Shut up, Beavis.

Riding on that scooter took a lot out of me.

Damn it, butthead, get moving, you fat slob.

Come on.

Okay, okay.

See?

See, that wasn't so bad.

my chest.

I can't breathe.

That's cool.

My left arm is numb.

Oh, you know what you should do?

You should spank your monkey. It'll feel like someone else is doing it.

Oh, yeah.

Good idea.

I can't.

No, that sucks.

That would have been cool.

Beavis, you dumb... I'm having a heart attack. A heart attack?

Okay.

Damn it, Beavis. Get some help or something, or I'm gonna die.

Oh, yeah, okay, yeah.

Here I go, yeah.

And don't worry, butthead.

Everything's gonna be fine, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, butthead. I had it in backwards.

Okay, now here I go.

Oh, backwards again.

Classic Beavis.

I'm gonna die.

Wrong way.

I think it's this way.

We used to do that. Uh, I don't know. I don't give a goddamn!

I don't give a goddamn!

I didn't catch that. He doesn't give a goddamn about what?

Uh, about, uh, dumb ass or something?

No, I think it was about me. I think he said, uh, about me.

Eh, it doesn't matter.

These are, like, the best lyrics I've ever not been able to understand.

We could, like, go to one of these concerts and, like, crawl around and eat

dirt.

You know, it's probably really, really loud, too, you know.

And I'm already hard of hearing. So, you know, I'll just finish the job, you

know.

That's right.

Better done.

Huh? According to what?

This video, like, takes me back to a simpler time.

Back when we just, like, sit on the couch, watch stuff like this. Not a care

the world.

Yeah, yeah, those were the days.

Now I have to go to the unemployment office, and I gotta go get my ABT card.

Adulting.

Is that a suitcase full of scrambled eggs?

Yeah, yeah.

It's like scrambled eggs is the most metal way to cook eggs.

Yeah, yeah.

Somebody's like, I'll have my eggs over easy, please.

No, I don't give a goddamn about your over easy.

Your eggs will be scrambled by the Lamb of God.

All these people stabbing each other, they all have white privilege.

Yeah, who gets all the knives first?

Surprise, surprise.

The white people.

White people.

Okay.

Gotta save Butthead.

Let's find someone who can help.

Somebody to help Butthead.

I need a doctor right now.

Have you seen Dr. Jaspen before?

Yeah, I was like eight years old, I think.

Okay, have a seat and fill out these forms.

Oh, okay, yeah, thanks.

That's cool.

Don't worry, butthead.

I'm going to write as fast as I can.

Oh, my God. Sir, are you okay?

Is there anything I can do?

Yes.

There is one thing you can do.

What? What is it?

Me.

Creep!

I'll get this book. What happened to the caterpillar?

Who's this moth?

See, this is why I never read.

Mr. Beavis, come with me.

Finally. Save Butthead.

So, how have you been feeling?

Well, pretty good, I guess.

I've got this one toenail that's bothering me. Mm -hmm. Last week, it was

getting, like, all swollen and fat and gross, and I'm... Wait a second.

Swollen, fat, and gross.

I'm here because my roommate Butthead needs help.

What seems to be the matter with him?

He's fat, and he doesn't feel good.

And he can't even spank his monkey.

He tried so hard.

It's really sad.

Well, if your friend's overweight, he might be at elevated risk for heart

or stroke.

Stroke.

That's what he can't do, you know what I'm saying? So he should make sure he

eats right and gets plenty of exercise.

Yeah, got it, yeah.

Thanks for driving through.

Butt -head, butt -head.

I'm here to save you.

The doctor said you have to eat right.

Like as many cheeseburgers as you can.

No.

Your life is at stake, butt -head. You've got to eat cheeseburgers. Come

If you finish that, I'll give you some fries.

I mean, I got them for me, but... Yes, that's okay.

And then the doctor said you have to exercise.

What? Come on, right now, butthead. Get up. Come on. Jumping jacks. Come on.

Come on. Dig deep. This is why you're having a heart attack right now, because

you're lazy.

Come on. Get it. Yeah. Come on.

Jacks.

Okay, butthead. Now finish strong with a jog around the block. Come on. Let's

go.

I think he's going to be all right.

That kid's a fighter.

A neighbor called about someone having a medical emergency.

Everything's okay, sir.

All taken care of.

He didn't finish his cheeseburger.

Well, more for me.

Yep.

Beaver, you earned it.

Hold it right there, asswipe.

Pod, do you remember that time you threw us in your trunk?

I do remember messing with a couple of losers. Yes, yes, you remember that.

Beavis and Butthead, a new episode is coming up next on Comedy Central.

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