Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong

language and adult humour # Make a date,

don't be late cos you know it's going to be great # When the irrepressible

Browns come to town # To begin, just tune in and you'll wear a new grin

# Watching Agnus and he can act the clown # You're scared of feeling

depressed # They'll have to make you feel

best # So it's All Round To Mrs Brown's.

# APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round

To Mrs Brown's. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.

Stop it, now. Thank you so much.

You're all so kind. Thank you very much.

Well, you're welcome to another Saturday night at my house.

LAUGHTER I spend most of my Saturday

nights here, now. Yeah. - AUDIENCE: - Oh!

- Oh, God, I wasn't like that when

I was a younger girl. Oh, God, no. Oh,

God, I went out every Saturday night and sowed me wild oats. LAUGHTER And

then went to Mass on Sunday and prayed for a crop failure. LAUGHTER I

met my husband, Redser, I met him at a

Saturday night dance. I didn't like him at first.

He tried to be so cool.

I used to get a cigarette and he was over

like a flash and clicked his lighter. LAUGHTER He just went, "Bond, James

Bond." I went... Off, Feck off!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Get well soon.

I'm not sick.

Any time I feel like I don't want to clean the house, I put

these out in case anyone calls. Oh, she's too sick to clean.

Yeah, yeah, where was I? Oh, Redser, yeah. I'll never

forget his last words. "Oh, fuck, it's a bus." LAUGHTER Yes. And all he

left me was a litter of kids and this old fart.

- I had him at the doctor today. AUDIENCE:

- Oh!

- What did he say? He said, "You're not going to make

it." LAUGHTER There you go. And you're

in for a great treat tonight. Now, Cath has been causing quite a stir

with her video blog. She told me that

she got 50,000 likes last week. I thought

she said licks. I nearly passed out.

LAUGHTER Chef Aly has become quite a star

with his continental accent and that twinkle in his eye. Dermot and Buster

are still trying to get their celebrity

tours off the ground but the best of

all is that there's you, the audience.

You're going to be a huge part of this show.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Let's see

if we've anybody interesting in tonight.

LAUGHTER We've been taking notes.

- Angus McDermott? Hello, how are you?

- Hello. It tells me here that you've got a sheep farm.

Oh, she's telling him to stand up.

Stand up. I've been chasing sheep for 50 years now. You've been chasing

sheep for 50 years?! I can see why. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Do you have the

dogs and do you do the whistling the dog and all that?

- Yes...

- I've got four dogs. Give me an example.

Give me an example. How would you get a

dog to turn right? HE WHISTLES - AUDIENCE:

- Oh! - That puts the dog to the right.

- I bet it does. And what was the dog to the left? HE DOES A

WOLF WHISTLE LAUGHTER I bet you could make a U-turn. Nice to meet you,

nice to meet you. APPLAUSE - Winston Jefferson.

Where's Winston Jefferson? - Hiya. Now it says here that

Winston is a male model.

- AUDIENCE: - Oh! Fronts a campaign called,

Are You Getting Enough? LAUGHTER We have a photograph of you.

Look at this. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Stand up, stand up.

- AUDIENCE:

- Ooooh! You handsome bastard! LAUGHTER

So, give me your best Blue Steel look.

Let me think. That gentleman, there, with no hair. You stand up and

give us a Blue Steel look. Let's try your Blue Steel look.

- AUDIENCE:

- Whoo! Winston, there's so much you could

learn from him. Lend him your cowboy hat.

- Where's Andy and Mary Millen? - Hi. - Hi, how are you doing?

- Good, thank you. Stand up, both of you,

because I want to see you. Look at them.

- Now, you're an ABBA tribute act.

- Yes. - Yes.

- There's four in ABBA. LAUGHTER - The other two are at home.

- Oh, do we have a picture of them? Oh, look at that.

From behind. So, are you getting much work?

Getting a lot of work? - Yes, pretty busy, uh-huh.

- Uh-huh! LAUGHTER So, what's your favourite number to do?

What's something you like doing? Oh, I like a bit of Dancing Queen.

- Oh, would you mind giving us a bit of Dancing Queen?

- Of course. Ladies and gentlemen, what's it called?

- Dancing Queen. - I know... LAUGHTER - What's the tribute act?

- Oh, we're called FABBAlous. Ladies and

gentlemen, singing Dancing Queen... FABBAlous.

# You can dance you can jive # Having the time of your life # Ooh, see

that girl watch that scene # Digging the Dancing Queen. # APPLAUSE AND

CHEERING Mary, that was fantastic and I love it.

You didn't open your mouth at all.

I can't get a word in edgeways.

Welcome to my world. Do sit down,

thank you very much. FABBAlous, ladies

and gentlemen. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What time is it? Maria was supposed

to pick up the guests. Well, one of them had to trade ages ago and

bring him down to Wash And Blow. - Hi, Mrs Brown.

- Hello, Maria. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello, Mrs Brown.

- This is Ross. CHEERING

- You're popular. - Not at home, I'm not.

- It's good to see you. Maria, were you not

supposed to bring him down to Wash And Blow?

Nobody told me. I have to go. No, but you're supposed to bring him

into Wash And Blow - and get him ready...

- Lovely to see you, Ross.

- Lovely to see you.

- Maria, Maria... - Bye, Mrs Brown.

- Well, don't leave... Don't leave...

LAUGHTER Now I know how Tiffany felt. LAUGHTER

- Can I get you a cup of tea? - I would love a cup of tea.

How do you take it? I like the water boiling, I like the

teabag to be squeezed for about three seconds, then removed and then about

3mls of milk placed on the top. LAUGHTER

Yeah, you're a bit confused. I meant, do you want a cup or a buckin' mug?

LAUGHTER I'll have a mug. APPLAUSE Motherfucking barista. So, Ross, it's

lovely to see you. What's the latest travels?

I've just come back from

Israel/Palestine and before that, I was

in Libya and Iraq, Syria, Mongolia, Mozambique, the Philippines and I got

home for Christmas. You must be a barrel

of laughs at a fuckin' party. LAUGHTER

Hello, Rory, love. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- How are you, Mammy?

- I'm good, I'm good. I thought this guest

was supposed to drop into Wash And Blow

ages ago and he hasn't turned yet. How are you? Argh! LAUGHTER

Rory, Rory, this is Ross.

- Hi, Rory.

- Oh, hello, how are you? I'm great. Cathy

says I have to touch up. Rory, Rory.

You're like a battery with jump leads on.

Rory, you have to take Ross down and get him ready for

the make-up, - all right? Good luck, see you later on, Ross.

- See you later, Mrs Brown.

- Ross Kemp, ladies and gentlemen.

- See ya. APPLAUSE Rory! You're supposed to

bring him down to Wash And Blow. I don't

know what you're going to blow. LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, Winnie.

Well, if that was one of Rory's clients, I think he took a bit too

much off the top. MRS BROWN LAUGHS No, it's one of Cathy's guests

for her video blog. Ross Kemp. - Oh. - Yeah, he was born like that. - Ah.

- Well, I just popped over to ask you a quick question.

- OK. What is it? - What's vertigo? - Vertigo?

- Yeah. I think it's how you ask for directions in Germany.

- Why, what about it? - Well, Dr Flynn thinks I could be

suffering from it. I mean, sometimes

during the day, Agnes, I forget everything

and I don't know where I am. Sure, that's you most of the feckin' time.

THEY LAUGH I just popped over to ask you a quick question.

- Jesus, Winnie, are you all right? - Ha-ha! Got you! APPLAUSE Bitch! Get

out of here, get out! APPLAUSE That one Winnie

McGoogan, she makes me laugh, you know.

- Are you there, Ma?

- Oh, Dermot. Hello, son. Hello, Buster.

APPLAUSE Hello, Mrs Brown.

Why are you so sad? HE LAUGHS Let's do it again!

- Are you there, Ma? - Yes, son.

- Hello, son. Hello, Buster.

- Hello, Mrs Brown. You look a bit... You

look very down, love. Are you all right?

This celebrity guided tour business.

I just want it to be a huge success.

Oh, yeah, yeah. DERMOT SNIGGERS Well, I know how you can make it a success.

Why don't I go into the kitchen and you fucking start again? APPLAUSE

- Are you there, Ma? - Oh, Dermot, love. Hello.

- Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Buster.

Dermot, you look a bit down. What's wrong?

This celebrity guided tour business.

It's tough, Ma. Especially with Buster as my business partner.

- He's right, it's really tough.

- I just want it to be a huge success. A

wildlife adventure tour with a genuine

celebrity wildlife expert. Well, it was

never really going to work, Dermot, with

that celebrity you got. He couldn't

even speak to the animals. I said to him...

HE BARKS HE BLEATS He just looked

at me like I was stupid. Shut up, Buster.

Maybe you spoke the wrong language.

Why didn't you speak like a giraffe? - How does a giraffe speak?

- You were there, I wasn't, love.

- Anyway, what happened, son? - It's a long story. Well,

I've got plenty of time, love.

HARP PLAYS APPLAUSE MUSIC: The Circle Of Life by Elton John

- Buster, hurry up, he'll be here any second.

- Sorry, Dermot. Nearly finished.

HE FARTS TARZAN YELL - You know, there's a

toilet just over there. - Sorry, Dermot. Right,

this celebrity animal expert better hurry up.

- We've got customers waiting.

- Ah. Here he is now.

- Cue the music. MUSIC: Welcome To The Jungle by Guns N' Roses

- APPLAUSE - David Attenborough? - No, Buster. I told

you, David Attenborough wouldn't do it. He said this kind

of thing was beneath him. So this is Steve Backshall. He's

nearly as good anyway. # In the jungle, welcome

to the jungle # Watch it bring you to your...

# # Kn-n-n-n-n-n-knees... # # It's gonna bring you down Huh! #

- Hi, Steve. - Steve, this is Buster.

- Hi, Buster.

- Hi, Steve. So you know all there is to know about animals?

- Well, no-one knows everything.

- What's the most dangerous one? - I guess snakes.

- What do you do if a snake bites you?

Well, the first thing you do is you bite the wound site

and you - suck the venom out. - What if it bites you on the willy?

Well, then I guess you find out who

your friends really are. You're my friend, aren't you, Dermot?

Not that kind of friend, Buster.

# I got the eye of the tiger # A fighter, dancing through the

fire # Cos I am a champion # And you're going hear me roar... #

- Steve, is that a real animal? - They're giraffes! Isn't the

baby one lovely? What does he taste like, Steve? Steve,

are there any animals

here that have not been discovered yet?

No. Driver! Animal! On your right...

Your right. Yeah, your right.

..you will see a rhino. THEY CHEER - I think. Is that a rhino, Steve?

- Yes. The two big horns at the front there, those are a real giveaway.

How big is a rhino's horn, Steve? Have you ever held one? APPLAUSE Hey,

everybody, look, a tiger! THEY WHOOP THEY HUM: Eye Of The Tiger by

Survivor Take it away, Steve. # It's the

eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the

fight # Rising up to the challenge of our

rival # And the last known survivor...

# HE HUMS APPLAUSE So, we have come to the end of the safari tour,

ladies and gentlemen. THEY GROAN We hope you enjoyed your adventure

with us today. THEY CHEER If you did, then please show your appreciation

by giving us a tip. If you had a good tour, give a bit more. THEY CHEER

- A fantastic trip deserves a good...?

- ALL: Tip! Pay at the front and don't be a...?

- I'm not saying that.

- THEY LAUGH Scrooge, Steve. Scrooge.

That is the tour finished. If you can,

please make your way slowly off the bus.

Move it, come on! Well done today, boys, we did great.

We done 82 quid in tips.

So, 30 quid for me, 30 quid for Buster

and 22 quid for taxes and charges. But you said you'd give me something

for the animals. RUSTLING Here. You're idiots. That's the

circle of life, Steve. APPLAUSE HARPS PLAYS It sounds like

you were doing your best, son. You'll get

there in the end. And I am proud of you.

- Thanks, Ma. - Come here.

- Thanks, Mrs Brown.

- Feck off. I went on holiday once to a safari park with my Redser. The

things we got up to. SHE LAUGHS He said I

was an animal in bed. A hippo? - AUDIENCE:

- Ooo! Let's go, Buster. APPLAUSE #

It's the eye of the tiger... # SHE HUMS

- Hello, Cathy. - Hiya, Mammy.

- What are you doing? - Oh, just some guest research.

- Oh, yeah. I met that nice young man who does

the gang-bangers. It's not gang-banging,

Mammy, he infiltrate gangs. But, yes, Ross Kemp is on my show tonight.

And Kevin Bridges, I'm really excited.

- He's hilarious. - Yeah.

- Yeah. Well, listen, maybe I can help. Between

us, I'm sure we can come up with a few decent questions.

- Like what? - Well, "Ross, who have you

styled yourself on today? "Humpty Dumpty?" And what about this?

"Oh, Kevin, you're so fair skinned.

"I'd say you sunburn easily.

Do you? Do you burn, Bridges?" APPLAUSE

No, thank you, Mammy, I will not be asking any of those questions.

Well, you mightn't, but I'll just

hang on to them later, in case I need them.

When Chef Aly gets here, will you give him that from me?

Chef Aly's in, is he? And he's cooking a very special

dish for one of my guests tonight. And this is the recipe. So please

remember to give it to him. I will

remember to give it to him! Sometimes you

speak to me like I'm five. Sometimes you

act like you're five, Mammy. Goodbye. (Bitch!) Oh, hello, Chef Aly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello, Mrs Brown.

- Hello, Chef Aly. Reggae! # Mr

Boombastic tell me fantastic # Touch me

on me back she say I'm Mr Ro... # ..mantic.

Call me fantastic... # MUSIC

STOPS ABRUPTLY Well, Chef Aly, I've got

to give you this list of ingredients. - You're cooking a dish for

Kevin Bridges, I believe? - Yes. So what are you going to cook?

Something special? - Yeah... - What is it?

- ..very special. - Oh, lovely. What is it?

- Lasagne. - LAUGHTER But with a twist.

- With a twist? - Yeah.

- It sounds delicious. And we have a picture of it to

show you at home. Have a look. - AUDIENCE:

- Ooh! Ooh! Do it again, Chef. Go on.

- AUDIENCE: - Ooh!

- Look, I'm going to leave you with it.

- Yep. But before I go...reggae. # Mr

Boombastic tell me fantastic # Touch me

on me back she says I'm Mr Ro... # ..mantic

call me fantastic. # # Touch me on me...

# MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY See you, Chef. Chef Aly. CHEERING AND

APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE SHE SIGHS Agnes, why is it so hard for a

woman to be successful in business?

Well, because she doesn't have a wife.

- Yeah.

- AGNES LAUGHS You're very wise, Agnes.

Well, Winnie, compared to you,

that fucking beer mat is wise. LAUGHTER

- A lot of people think so, you know? - Yeah. - Oh, yeah, and people are

still writing in with their problems. - Oh!

- Yeah. Here, you take that one, I'll take this one.

- OK. - What have you got?

- This one is from Deborah Hancock and

she writes, "I have two window cleaners but can't decide which one

to use "for fear of hurting their feelings."

- AUDIENCE: - Aww!

- Now, where are you, Deborah? I know, it's a tough one, isn't it?

- It is. That girl beside you looks like

she came on a motor cycle. So, Deborah,

you know, window cleaners are hard to get.

You know, I'd go for the one

with the biggest cock. OK, who have we got?

Mark Wilson. Where are you, Mark? - How are you, Mark? How are you?

- Fine. Mark says, "The local football

team play at the side of my house "and

they keep banging their balls off my wall.

"What should I do?" Send them over to my fucking house. Thank you, Mark.

What have you got, Winnie? The last one.

What have you got? Yeah. This is from Haley Matthews.

- Hello, Hayley. How are you? - I'm good, thanks.

- Nice to see you. Good to see you.

- And she says, "Dear Agnes, I eat a lot of soya beans..."

- Oh!

- "..which in turn means I get a lot of wind."

- Oh! "My hold-in pants don't work any

more "as my stomach continues to grow

"with all the tea and biscuits I eat. I'm

at my wits' end..." Do you know what? We'll start again, Winnie, and

try and read it - like it's not a chapter out of fucking Genesis.

- Well... - "Dear Agnes..."

- Yes. "I eat a lot of soya beans, which

means I get a lot of wind." Right? "My

hold on pants don't work any more. What should I do?"

- "I'm at my wits' end." - Where's she again? Fart.

- Oh, my God! What time is it? Winnie, I have to go.

- Oh! - I don't want to miss Cathy's Show.

- Right. Five, four, three, two, one...

# Lights aglow Here we go # The Cathy Brown Show!

# Hello, there again and welcome to The Cathy Brown

Show with me, Cathy Brown. I'll be

giving you the uninterrupted inside scoop

on celebrity news and the world of show business. I'm so excited to have

my guests on tonight. Please welcome

the brilliant Ross Kemp and Scotland's

king of comedy Kevin Bridges!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- You're very welcome. Sit down.

- You want me to go here? Who's this guy?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Really? Buster, what the hell are you dressed

like that for? I did it for Kevin. - I love you, Kevin.

- I love you, Buster.

You're looking well, mate.

- Buster, get the lights. - Oh, sorry!

- Thank you, Buster. - AUDIENCE: - Ooh! Freedom! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SHE LAUGHS APPLAUSE I thought I was going to be too late.

- Hello, Kevin. How are you? - Hello, Agnes.

- Lovely to meet you.

- Good to see you. What a lovely boy.

- Hello, Mrs Brown.

- Hello, again. - You made it, Mammy. Yay!

- Yeah, I did. I did, I did.

- I thought I was going to be too late.

- Oh, well, unfortunately not.

- So, Kevin...

- Yes? ..we all know you're one of the hardest working comedians.

Tell us about your next tour. Where are you off to next? I'm going to be

doing some warm-up shows soon. I'm going

to Australia first, which is where

I first met your mother. We met as well.

We met together in Australia - Melbourne. She was standing

at the urinal beside me. LAUGHTER It's an old family trick.

So I'm going to be starting there - and

then New Zealand as well, hopefully. - Fantastic. Ross, what drew you

to tackling such tough subject matter in your documentaries? What

brought you down that road? A long time ago I was asked to stand in to

present a documentary about America's

relationship with guns and I met a guy

who was in the Bloods gang. They told me before I met him he'd

been shot 26 times. I didn't believe anyone could

be shot 26 times and survive and, apart

from being a very lucky man, he was a very bright man and I

couldn't help thinking if he'd been born somewhere else...

He wouldn't be like a sieve. LAUGHTER Can I just ask you something on

Cathy's behalf? Is he single? No, he's got a wife and a lot of kids.

So I went home, I rang up some people that I knew and I said I've got

an idea of a programme called Ross Kemp On Gangs, very obviously.

- And we made 27 of them. - Wow! APPLAUSE

- So it was quite by accident? - Yes, a sort of fluke.

Yeah. Not on purpose.

Well, the best things, you know,

happen by accident. LAUGHTER Thanks, Mammy.

Ross, I'm sure my viewers would be interested to know - you've

been in some really, really scary situations but is there anything that

actually scares you? I would say airports but I spend a lot of time in

jungles, a lot of time in the desert and

snakes are particularly something - that I don't like.

- And it's never changed? - Like, you haven't...? - No.

- You're not going to get over it? We were

in East Timor and they've got 22-metre-long snakes there.

- Not nice.

- Oh, God, no! No, I wouldn't like that.

LAUGHTER Kevin, what are you scared of?

I don't like insects. Cats kind of freak me out a little bit.

- Cats are evil.

- I don't trust them.

- No, I don't trust them.

- There's something sneaky...

- Yeah. I like dogs. - I love dogs.

- I love dogs. - You have a lovely dog.

- I do. He's a golden retriever, allegedly, but I think he's been

crossed with something that is far bigger -

something like a wolf. I've seen a photograph.

Have a look at this. This is him here.

You've got the same sort of face.

That's a golden retriever crossed with a donkey.

- And, Kevin, you have a rescue dog.

am I right?

- That's right. Aye, I got a dog at the

Dogs Trust, that's the jail for a dog that's

done a bit of prison time. I think Ross

has actually done a documentary - - Glasgow's Toughest Dogs.

There she is there.

- Aww! The dog's, kind of, a bit drunk there.

LAUGHTER Well, Ross, it would be rude while you're here -

not to ask you about EastEnders. - Of course. I mean, we

all loved you in it. I mean, how much did you enjoy

the last trip to Albert Square? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute,

he was a bastard! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - But, Mammy...

- No, I still get upset for Tiffany.

Oh, for God's sake, Mammy! You

have to get over that! - I wish he'd have got over it.

- Oh! Did your family enjoy you being back

in EastEnders? My mum did. My dad doesn't care, I don't think, and my

wife's Australian and she's never, ever

seen EastEnders. So she didn't know who you were when she met you? She

didn't know I was Grant Mitchell, no.

She didn't know I was Ross Kemp either

because it was a bit of a blind date. So you got her purely on personality?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My charm and good looks. - And, Kevin...

- How did you meet your wife? I'm not actually

married yet, so I don't know. - LAUGHTER

- I don't know. Oh, Mammy, no, don't!

Mammy, stop.

- Do you know? Cathy's not married.

- Mammy, please. We talked about this.

Please, do not do this to me.

- OK, just open a button, open a button.

- Stop it! - Kevin, sorry about that.

- That's all right. You've kind of caught

the acting bug yourself, haven't you? - You had a role in Rab C Nesbitt.

- Aye, that's right. I played a guy

that lived in a lift and I only had one

hand because a dolphin bit it off, that was the story, and

I had two lines. So,

aye, I definitely caught the acting bug.

So... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Finding material must be difficult

with stand-up. What... Where do you get most of your material from? I

don't know, that's a difficult question.

Some days you'll just get ideas, they'll just come to you. Some nights

you'll go to bed and you end up awake

for three or four hours because you're

getting ideas. I bet your father gives you a lot of material, does he?

My dad's good, aye. It's not the best of stuff but he thinks it's funny,

so sometimes you'll chuck a few in. My mum... She's the, kind of,

an unconscious comedian. - My dad's good...

- OK, so your mammy's like my mammy - - she inspires you. - Exactly.

- AUDIENCE: - Aww! Well, as you know, one of my

guests every week is joined by their - mammy...

- Yes.

- ..and we're very lucky that this week we

have your mum, Kevin. Please welcome the beautiful Patricia! CHEERING AND

APPLAUSE How are you, Mum? - Mum, this is Ross Kemp.

- Nice to meet you.

- This is Ross Kemp... AUDIENCE: - Ooh! - He cheated on Tiffany.

- Oh, stop! So, Patricia, we've read all about

Kevin and his generosity, I mean, paying

off your mortgage, taking you away on holidays.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- When did this generosity start? Well,

he's always been a kind-hearted wee boy.

- Wee boy. - Well...

- 30 years old. And what was the favourite

gift he ever gave you? - Oh, a wee Scottie dog... - Aww!

- ..that he got at a jumble sale. Aww! He

probably stole it. LAUGHTER And, Kevin,

you brought your Mammy to New York, I believe?

- For your 60th, remember that?

- Yeah, yeah. On the Saturday it was her

actual birthday and we did the Sopranos

tour and part of the Sopranos is to take you to the Bada Bing strip club.

- For her 60th...

- So you brought your mammy? - We went to the strippers.

It was good, wasn't it? - Yeah. Oh... LAUGHTER It went from a

60th to a stag weekend. It was... Do you mind?

Do you mind? I have a couple of questions to ask, - so

I'm going to ask them...

- Sorry... - For who?

- ..if I may? For me... Well, one for Ross.

SHE SIGHS Do you ever get

jealous of your brother? Yeah, Spandau

Ballet is a fabulous band and he's more my successful than you.

- They're not brothers.

- They're not brothers? - No. Kevin... SHE LAUGHS

- Do you have any groupies? - Erm...no. Usually just

middle-aged nutters I get... - ..at the stage door.

- Yeah, I just want to point out that - twice I went to see you and...

- We did. Yes, and I was at the bucking stage door.

Mammy, will you just go

and check how Chef Aly's doing? Patricia,

would you like to come with me and

we'll check - and see how Chef Aly's doing?

- Yes.

- Come on. We'll go over where the grub is and leave

them together. APPLAUSE - Are you all right, Aly?

- Yes, I'm good. We're just going to have a quick chat.

- This is the Scottie dog. Come

up here and talk to me. - Oh, right, OK.

- This is the Scottie dog that he got you.

- That's it. - Look at that. - AUDIENCE:

- Aww! Isn't that lovely? What was he like as a young child?

He was quite shy as a wee boy.

- I'm just looking... - And he...

- I've got to school report here. Wait

till you hear this! "Kevin has developed

in confidence "and is adopting

to a more mature attitude. "He is trying

hard to overcome his nervousness."

- AUDIENCE: - Aww! He was 28. LAUGHTER

- Look at that. AUDIENCE: - Aww! Look at our Kevin. Look there!

- He was a very handsome child.

Was it a bad accident? - Erm...

- A lot of people used to say he was like a cherub.

- A cherub? - Yeah.

- Those little chubby angels? - Yeah. - Aww!

- I read his autobiography.

- Ah-ha? He talked about when he lost his virginity.

- No! - Did you not read that page? - No!

- He booked a tart out.

I skipped that chapter!

- He's a lovely, lovely boy.

Come over and meet Aly.

- OK. Now, this is the meal that you reckon - is Kevin's favourite meal?

- Oh, yeah. So what are you doing? You're doing a lasagne? - Yeah.

- And what's the twist? The twist is we have Italian sausage.

- So is this Italian sausage here.

- Yeah, it is. Let me have a look at this Italian sausage.

I've seen worse on a Friday night.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Reggae! # Mr

Boombastic tell me fantastic # Touch me

on me back she says I'm Mr Ro... # .

.mantic tell me fantastic # Touch me...

# MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY - Follow me, Patricia.

- OK. Come on, let's go back in and see how they're doing.

APPLAUSE You're back. Sit down. So,

Ross, you've had to survive some of the

most dangerous places on earth. So you

must have picked up some combat - and survival skills along the way?

- Little bits, yeah.

- Oh. Give us a demonstration.

Here, come round here.

- Show me. - No...

- No, no, show me, show me.

Here Ross, show me.

Now, I have to warn you, Ross, I am trained.

LAUGHTER So let's say I'm coming at you with... With a...

- A fully-loaded banana.

- OK. And I go... APPLAUSE Sorry about that.

No... Not at all. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You missed. That's given you

something to build up an appetite, eh?

Let's see what Aly has cooked for us now.

And here we go. Look at this! Chef Aly, everybody! APPLAUSE We've got a

nice lasagne here for Kevin Bridges. I do it with a twist, with Italian

sausage, - and you can see with a little bit of meatballs on the top.

- What's this? - The surprise dish.

- The surprise dish. Is that a dessert?

Yeah, it's passion fruit with chopped mango and strawberry and

we can call it CRK. - It's called CRK? - Yeah.

- What's CRK? Cream Ross Kemp.

Cream Ross Kemp!

APPLAUSE They look delicious.

Come on, tuck in, everybody.

- Yeah, try that, Ross.

- OK, thank you. You've got to try a Cream Ross Kemp and, Kevin, give your

mother some of the lasagne and I'll try this.

I'll come over to you. Why don't you try that? Aly, thank you. Well,

it's got 10 out of 10 up here. - What do the guests think?

- Very nice. I never thought I'd be eating my own cream,

but there you go. LAUGHTER Tastes good!

APPLAUSE - What do you think, Patricia?

- It's absolutely beautiful. And does it work with the Italian sausage?

- Even better than my own.

- Better than yours? - Yeah, definitely. This is

absolutely gorgeous. I never thought I'd

be eating Ross Kemp's cream either. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I've never been

lost for words but that is too funny. Wrap it up, Cathy. Wrap it up.

Well, that's all we have time for on The Cathy Brown Show. A huge

thanks to all my guests tonight... - Ross Kemp... - Thank you.

- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you. ..Kevin Bridges...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - ..his mammy Patricia...

- Yay! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And, of course, Chef Aly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Join Cathy

next week when she'll be joined by Robert

Redford and Rocky Balboa's mother.

No, we won't, Mammy. We'll see you soon.

But we'll go over now to St

Jarlath's Church for Thought For The Day.

Goodnight, everybody. ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS Oh, hello there. Welcome to

Thought For The Day. A little religion

to send you off to bed with some happy thoughts.

Guess what I'm cooking for dinner? Go on, guess. Damien, I'm in the

middle of something. Go on, I'll give you a hint. Damien, were on air

- Thought For The Day.

- Sorry, I was just doing the dinner.

- Damien, shush. I know to some of you at home

today the world seems to be getting

more and more fearful. Things that were

once so simple - now seem to be complicated.

- Tell me about it. You have to use three different

remotes for the telly. What's that about? LAUGHTER

- That's the phone.

- 'Hello, is anybody there?' And that's your mother.

Hello, Mum. You'll hear terms like "alternative facts".

There are no alternative facts, only lies.

- Gobble.

- What? That's the hint for dinner - gobble.

- Turkey.

- Is right! Oh, right! (Sorry.) To Jesus, life was simple and

what he wanted was to make - the path to heaven simple for everyone.

- Everyone. Like when Jesus said, "I bring you a message from my father.

"Forget all the old rules, I give you just want rule

- "love thy neighbour."

- Simple. - Simple. So take that to bed

with you tonight - love thy neighbour.

Sleep well. Here's another clue...

Buck, buck, buck!

- Chicken.

- No, mushrooms. - Goodnight.

- Nighty-night! That was a chicken. Well,

then, you do a mushroom. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, well, well... It's not

easy being a mammy, which is why we want to reward some mammy every week

with this, the Mammy of the Week award.

AUDIENCE OOHS You see, at the head

of every family you need a good mammy.

- Isn't that right? AUDIENCE: - Yes! Kamla Sall, isn't that right?

Yes, it's you!

Come on down and say hello.

- I love you so much. - Thank you.

- It's nice to meet you. Now... Kamla,

you weren't expecting this, were you? I wasn't expecting this, no. No,

or you wouldn't have worn that. Kamla, you've

been nominated by your lovely family up there.

Look at them up there. APPLAUSE Have a look at this. Hi, Mum.

Surprise! I've nominated you to be the

Mammy of the Week because I think you're the greatest mum in the world.

But you're also a total nightmare.

It kind of goes... SHE IMITATES KAMLA

But I can't do it! She goes like this,

and I don't know, it's really embarrassing.

She calls them mojos, or mojis.

My mum was saying, "Oh, you know what?

"I couldn't bring myself to eat testicles." She meant tentacles.

She's banned from watching

football in our house because she screams.

When Leicester did really well, she

overnight became Leicester's biggest fan.

Despite all these flaws, Mum, we

really love you. I idolise you, I think

you're really kind, generous, you've got a really good heart and we really

don't know what we'd do without you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tell us what you

really think of your daughter now. - I absolutely love my daughter.

She's an angel.

- She sure is.

- She really, really is.

- And she told us so many things about you. Tell

us about the television. What's this about the exploding television?

I've got a really old television and it's a big fat thing like this, and I

think every house has got the thin ones

and I've got the big fat one, so... And she said it'll be

smoking and blowing and... And doing all sorts of things.

Yes, that's my television.

- Well, listen, how would you like to come upstairs to my box room?

- Ooh! You can have a little peek inside my box.

Come on, up we go, and you'll get a chance to win some lovely prizes.

Come on! Give her a round of applause.

# It's going to make your day # It's going to rock your socks # When

you've seen what's in Mammy's Box. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, Kamla, it's

time for you to play Mrs Brown's Box. - Are you ready? - I'm ready.

- OK. - Here in my box room are Buster, Grandad and Father Damien.

- OK. Now, you can see they're all covered with money and also stars.

The big one is the one with the key.

- So, all you'll have to do is get that key to unlock my box.

- OK. - Now, you need to pick Father Damien or Grandad or Buster.

- OK. So whichever one you like - Grandad, Father Damien or Buster.

- Buster, please.

- Buster it is! APPLAUSE - For this you get my best tea towel.

- Oh, wow.

- OK, Father. See you, Grandad. Bye-bye.

Yeah, go back to sleep. Now, you've got

my best tea towel, and what you do is whack

every prize you can off him. As much

money and every prize you can... LAUGHTER .

.with the tea towel. Now, when I say

go, you'll have until the gong goes to

get as much money and prizes as you can.

- OK. - And your time starts...now! Oh!

GONG CHIMES Hold it, hold it! LAUGHTER

- Let's get the prizes up first. - Oh, wow.

- A star there. 275 euro.

Give her a round of applause!

APPLAUSE Thank you very much.

Now, let's have a look. - Ooh.

- Well done. AUDIENCE OOHS Oh, my goodness. And the

key to Mrs Brown's box. CHEERING Buster,

get the box. Bring it over here. Now, come over here. Let's open

the lock on the box. I use the key, Buster usually opens

it with just a hairpin. LAUGHTER Let's see

what's in the box. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- Oh, my goodness! - A new TV!

- And of course, Kamla, you get a Mammy of the Week award.

- Aww. APPLAUSE Thank you. Now, Kamla, all

you have to do now is tidy up here, OK?

- See you later, bye-bye.

I'm off to the pub.

- Bye-bye. APPLAUSE Hello, Father.

Hello, Father.

Oh, thank you, darling. I earned this.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, my God!

It's Pixie Lott! How are you? Now...

Pixie, or should I say Victoria? - How did you know my real name?

- Oh, I looked it up on the internet.

- You did? - Yeah. Where did you

get a name like Pixie? Where did you get that name from?

Um, I've been nicknamed it since I was born, because I was

premature by seven weeks and I was really,

really small. But, yeah, it just stuck

from birth, so everyone calls me Pixie.

- And you've done Breakfast At Tiffany's.

- Yeah.

- Oh, I believe you were absolutely marvellous in it.

- Aww... So what's next, Lunch At Sharon's?

Tea With Bianca? Ricky!

- Oh, by the way, I heard you got engaged.

- Yeah, I did. Oh, when are you due? Um...

LAUGHTER No, I'm not expecting.

- Oh, good. - Yet.

- Fine church-going girl. So, I know

you're doing your new single for us now, -

but can I ask a special request? - Of course. Cos I like

our guest artists to sing some of my favourite songs, and

I've a favourite song. Have you ever

heard of Moon River? I have heard of it,

I've sung it many a time. Oh, well,

I don't have a band, but I do have a heart.

- So don't break it, sing it for me.

- Do you want me to sing it for you? Would you please? Ladies and

gentlemen, Pixie Lott singing Moon River.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Moon river #

Wider than a mile # I'm crossing you in

style # Some day # Oh, dream maker... # Just stop. Stop, stop, stop!

# And heart... # Oh, no, please! Stop, stop.

My sister used to sing that to me and I

fucking hated her. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Will you sing your new track?

- I'd love to. Ladies, and gentlemen,

singing her new track, Baby, with Anton

Powers, the beautiful Pixie Lott.

CHEERING # If you love me, show me # Don't say a single word # Cos

these thoughts of mine # Are telling me to go # To go, whoa # And the

night's so cold # Nobody to hold # Are

you coming home? # Are you coming home?

I'm gonna need to know now # Baby, baby, baby, baby # If you say to me

we'll be all right # But I need to know

you'll hold me tight # Baby, baby,

baby, baby # If you say to me we'll be

OK # We can make it through another day # Baby, baby, baby, baby # No-one

does it better # When we are together # Baby, baby, baby, baby # I love you

more than ever # Baby, it's forever # You completely mistreat me # We're

dying, come back to life # Life # In my mind we survive # Chasing

dreams, if we only knew # Only knew #

And the night's so cold # Nobody to hold #

Are you coming home? # Are you coming home?

I'm gonna need to know now # Baby, baby, baby, baby # If you

say to me we'll be all right # But I need to know you'll hold me tight #

Baby, baby, baby, baby # If you say to me we'll be OK # We can make it

through another day # Baby, baby, baby,

baby # No-one does it better when we are together # Baby, baby, baby, baby

# I love you more than ever # Baby, it's forever # I've been waiting for

you # I've been waiting all this time # All this time # I've been waiting

for you # Waiting all this time #

All this time # Oh # Baby, baby, baby,

baby # If you say to me we'll be all

right # But I need to know you'll hold

me tight # Baby, baby, baby, baby # I love you more than ever

# Baby, it's forever. # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you!

Well... That was another interesting night.

What a night that was.

I have to say, Ross Kemp is a brave man

and he packs a punch too. I bet his hand is still hurting after that.

That'll teach him. And Kevin Bridges and his mother Patricia,

is there two funnier

people in Britain today? Not that I know.

And as for Pixie Lott, she's so skinny!

She doesn't even get X-rays, they just

hold her up to the light. LAUGHTER Do you know, I

know I should go to the gym and work out and lose a bit of weight, but I

believe in no pain, no pain. Anyway,

it makes me nice and cuddly. So, until

next week, nighty-night. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Make the date, don't be

late # Cos you know it's gonna be great # When the irrepressible Browns

come to town # To begin, just tune in # And you'll wear an ear-to-ear grin

# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown # Instead of feeling depressed

# Let laughter make you feel best # So it's All Round To Mrs Brown's! #