Original subtitles

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

And now, Miss Avocado Grove!

♪♪ Oh, wow! She is really something.

Why are we watching this awful beauty contest?

'Cause he's got the remote control.

Oh. Gimme that. Hey. Get out of here. You girls should be interested in this.

Just look on it as a self-improvement course.

Do you think of women purely as sex objects?

Of course not. I... I like their intelligence too.

An now, Miss Soybean!

Just look at the brains on that one.

I don't see where they got a sash big enough to fit her.

Well, I think it's degrading!

Chrissy, gimme that! No! No! I'd like to see men parading up and down like that.

Yeah. Anything to oblige.

Oh, no. Ladies and ladies,

welcome to the first annual...

Mr. Male Chauvinist Pig contest of 1978!

Ta-da!

And here we have the very lovely and talented Mr. Pico Boulevard...

looking absolutely stunning...

in his pair of Filthy Jeans.

And we'd like to thank Filthy Jeans for lending them to him.

First of all, deportment.

He oughta be deported.

♪♪

I'll get it.

No, I'll get it. Oh.

Honey, I'm up.

Oh, hi, Mr. Roper.

Going out on a date?

Um, Mr. Roper,

uh, what can we do for you?

- Well, it's about the garden. - What garden?

- My garden. - You mean that jungle out behind the garages?

There's a terrific garden out there underneath all those weeds.

And anyway, I thought you kids should have the use of it.

For what, safaris?

Well, I'll tell you the truth, Mrs. Roper's been nagging me about it.

I mean, she's really gone nuts since she's taking this flower-arranging course.

Oh. And now she'd like some homegrown flowers to arrange?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Also there could be a terrific lawn out

there, once you've cleared it and got rid...

Wait a minute. What do you mean once we've cleared it?

Oh, I thought you'd volunteer for the job.

Why would we do that?

Let me put it this way: Who would get the most pleasure out of the garden?

You would.

- Who would enjoy the exercise? - Not us.

Who can't afford a raise in the rent?

Mr. Roper, there's a word for the sort of threat you just made.

- Yeah? What's that? - Effective.

Good, good. Then you'll do it tomorrow.

Thank you. Yeah.

No, wait.

Sheesh. Whew.

Well, good-bye weekend.

That garden is right out of Tarzan of the Apes.

It is a little overgrown. A little?

Chrissy, there are pockets of Japanese in there who don't know the war is over.

You know, you oughta be out in the garden helping the kids...

instead of in here fooling around with that homemade beer.

Don't scoff, Helen. If this beer turns out all right,

I can sell some to the Regal Beagle.

And poison half of Santa Monica?

Helen, this is pure stuff.

I mean, everything that touches this beer has been sterilized.

So that's your problem?

I'll tell you one thing you'll never have to worry about, Helen...

Your tongue getting rusty.

Aw, come on, Stanley. When are we gonna get a chance...

to sample this marvelous potion of yours, anyway?

Well, the batch I made two weeks ago should be ready just about now.

Is that why the bottles keep exploding?

I don't know why you started this silly nonsense anyway.

It's not nonsense. It's my hobby.

It's better than that stupid flower-arranging course you're going to.

Flower arranging is not stupid! It's artistic!

It's effeminate.

Well, I'm supposed to be effeminate.

Just like you're emasculate.

Ahhh. Oh, you know, what this arrangement needs is something...

Something tall and green and prickly.

How about your mother?

This is terrible. I'm getting bitten to death by bugs.

Oh, I know. Me, too, Chrissy.

Ah. Hey, Jack!

Where did you put that insect repellant?

Jack! Jack?

Jack? Yo!

Aaah! What?

What were you doing there? I dropped the insect repellant.

Oh. Did you find it? Yeah. It was under a pile of bugs.

They love this stuff. Anyway, what do you want me to...

Oh! What did I say?

Oh, nothing. It was a mosquito. Ohhh.

Hey, Janet. Look! A caterpillar!

Ahh-ahhh-ahh! Jack!

Here. Oh, thank you. No? Thank you very much.

Okay. What do you want? What do you want me to do?

Oh, I just thought of something! Huh?

Maybe there's rats in here!

Chrissy, there are no rats in here. Oh, good.

They all got eaten by the snakes. What?

Aaah! Oh! There's one right there! Where?

Chrissy!

Chrissy! Stop it! Chrissy, stop that! Honey, I think you killed it.

Ohhh! Yes. Yes, you have.

You've killed Roper's garden hose.

Awww. Let me see.

I'm all right. I'm all right.

Jack! Ugh. Chrissy, what'd you do... Where'd you put the rake?

- It's over there somewhere. - Thank you.

Oh. Good! You found it.

Listen. While you're down there, Jack,

would you get me the rake?

Here you go. Thank you.

You okay? Peachy.

Great. Here. Take this. Sure.

Come on over here by Chrissy. See those big leaves down there? Yeah.

I want you to dig all those up, and make sure you get way down to the roots.

All right. Okay.

Chrissy. Hmm?

Did I just stick this fork through your foot?

No. Oh.

Oh. Oh!

Oh!

Here's the first batch.

Did you remember to put in the eye of newt and tongue of bat?

Can you spare them?

Boy. This is gonna be great.

Great. Yeah. Like when you painted the bathtub last month?

Can't you forget about that?

Well, you coulda told me before I got in it!

You should've seen your face when you stuck to the bottom.

It wasn't my face I was worried about.

Do you know it took me a whole week...

to get all of that paint off?

I told you. I told you to use a Brillo pad.

Come on, Stanley. Pour the beer.

Let's have a look at what's gonna put Budweiser out of business.

Smells all right, I think.

Here. Taste it.

No way.

It's got little things swimming around in it.

- Those are hops. - Okay,

so it has little things hopping around in it.

Here we go.

Where do you keep your insurance policy, Stanley?

Helen, you know, this is good. It's got kind of a nutty flavor.

It should have. Look who made it.

Hi, hi, hi.

Oh, hi, kids. Hi. Listen. We have done all we can for today.

We'll finish up tomorrow. Oh, good. Good.

Aren't you gonna give them something for all the work they did?

Huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Here. Have some beer.

No, thank you.

Me neither. I like beer I can see through.

Well, it hasn't quite settled yet.

How about you, Jack? You look like you could use a nice cold beer.

You're so right.

Stanley made it himself.

Ahhh. I strained it through a pair of Helen's stockings.

- My best pair. - How do you like it?

Well, I'll tell you, it's... Excuse me.

Seeds.

Uh, it's a... It's a little strong, but, you know, it's not bad.

Well, here. Take two bottles up with you. Yeah?

Oh, Chrissy. Those are really pretty. Did you find them in the garden?

Oh, yeah. They were growing wild.

Oh, you know, these are exactly what I need for my flower arrangement.

Would it be okay if I take a could of them?

Oh, sure. Here. Take these.

Oh, thanks. You know, we're having an arts-and-crafts exhibition at school...

and who knows, ha ha, maybe I'll win a prize!

Aaah! Aw, gee. I think we better go wash up.

Uh, Mrs. Roper, honey, good luck at your flower exhibition.

Let me know if I can help you. Oh, thanks, Janet.

- I hope you win. Yeah. - Me too.

Hey. Thanks for the suds.

Ah. A millimeter to the left and I woulda lost this toe.

It's only bruised.

Well, I gotta go over to Marilyn's.

I promised I'd help her move this afternoon.

Oh, okay. Bye-bye. Bye, babe.

Hey. Janet? Hmm?

On your way back, see if you can pick me up a packet of assorted toes.

Tsk. Boy. Anyone would think you were mortally wounded.

Chrissy, this happens to be my favorite toe.

This is the little piggy that went to market!

Hi. Hi, Larry.

You're up early. It's only noon.

Yeah. Well, I was worrying about that five bucks I owe you.

You don't owe me five bucks.

I will when you lend it to me. No way.

Aw, come on, Jack. You wouldn't want me

worrying myself sick over nothing, would you?

All right, Larry. Here. Just take it. Take it.

Jack!

I have no resistance left, Chrissy. My toe is dying!

Make it ten bucks. I'll send a wreath.

Look out. Where did you get that?

Oh. They're from Roper's garden.

Yeah? You know what you've got here, don't you?

Wildflowers. I don't know what they're called, though.

I do. They're called cannabis.

Really. Oh, that's pretty.

That's marijuana.

What? What?

Pot!

Ow! Chrissy! Toe! Oh!

Toe!

I didn't know a marijuana plant looked like that.

What'd you expect, clusters of ready-rolled joints? Tsk.

Well, what is it doing in Mr. Roper's garden, anyway?

Well, you know, Chrissy. The wind could have blown the seeds from anywhere...

or birds could have carried them.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You just stick to that story.

I'm sure any jury in the world will believe you.

Jury? You can get a year in jail for having those plants.

Oh! A yea... Well, what are we gonna do?

What do you mean "we"?

"Officer, I never saw these people before in my life. Thank you and good night."

Hey. We'll... We'll burn them.

Oh, great. Then the smoke drifts everywhere and half the neighborhood gets stoned.

Well, we can dig a big hole and bury them.

Yeah. And next year, a whole new crop comes up.

Call me.

Thanks for your help, Larry.

Uh, okay. I got an idea, Chrissy. What?

We'll put this out on the balcony...

and get the cat next door to come visit it.

- Ohhh. - Well, that's how you lost your fern.

I think we should go to the police and ask their advice.

No way! No police!

Chrissy, I feel funny.

That's 'cause you've been drinking all that beer.

No. I mean, coming here is a big mistake.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself.

I was afraid of that.

You shouldn't bring those bikes in here.

Well, we can't leave them in front of the police station. They'll get stolen!

- What do you want? - What do we want?

Uh, okay. My name is... is...

You don't have to tell him your name.

That's true. I don't have to tell you my name.

No. Not yet, anyway. Not yet, anyway.

O-Officer. Oh! I'm sorry.

Nail these things down. Um,

Officer, if I may, we just dropped in...

to ask a few questions on... on behalf of a friend.

- You don't know him. - I don't know you, either!

Well, you'd like him if you did.

He's very honest and loyal, sin... No more.

Cere.

O-Officer, what I meant is,

uh, i-if my friend, you know,

c-committed some kind of offense,

uh, without meaning to commit that offense...

What he means is if his friend was innocent, would he still be guilty?

- Of what? - Tsk. Of what he didn't do!

Huh?

Uh, Chrissy.

You know, I think we shouldn't bother the sergeant with this unimportant thing,

so why don't we just mosey... Wait a minute.

Now, you said "offense."

What kind of offense?

You tell him. Oh, well, it's... it's... it's...

Anything. It could be anything. You know, uh... Oh, what?

Uh, parking. Uh, income tax.

Uh, possession of drugs. No driving license.

Drugs? Oh, he didn't say drugs.

What kind of drugs? And what did you mean by "possession"?

- Well, uh, uh, it's a plant. - Someone's planted drugs on you?

Yea... No! No!

No. Possession of drugs is a very serious crime.

Well, uh, Offi... Now,

suppose you tell me what it's all about.

Well, all right.

Well, uh, O-Officer, I didn't wanna bother you.

You know, I'm... It's just a hypo... hypo... Hypodermic!

Thetical. Hypothetical.

Oh, look. Let's guss ferjetit... Let's just forget it, I mean.

I'm just here to compile information for this wook I'm biting, so...

Let's get out of here. Chrissy, come on.

- Just a minute. - Hmm?

Are you riding those bicycles to your home?

Just the one.

That's a little joke. I'm such a zany, madcap kinda...

No. I can't ride both of them home, so I'm just gonna take...

She has to get home somehow, so she's gonna take the girl's bike...

and I'll take the one with the bar, which is the boy's, uh, bicycle.

Have you been drinking?

Who me?

Noooo!

Well, just some homemade beer.

Noooo!

Did you know that it's against the law to ride a bicycle while under the influence?

You're kidding.

I think I'd like you to take a breath test.

Uh, no, Officer. I can breathe just fine.

See?

Don't wanna take a breath test, eh? Fine, sir. Can you fill this?

Not from here.

In there!

See ya.

I told you you shouldn't be drinking that dumb beer.

Oh!

You didn't have to tell the cop...

that I'd been drinking it!

Tell him? He could smell your breath before you opened your mouth!

Oh, Chrissy. I'm gonna have to go to court. I'll be fined.

It'll be weeks before I see my bike again.

Jack. I love that bike.

The cops will probably be riding it all around L.A.

Ohhh. It's gonna need new tires and a new horn.

Jack, we still haven't decided...

what we're gonna do about those plants.

Oh, chop 'em up and put them down the garbage disposal.

- It doesn't work. - Get Roper to fix it.

Roper! Oh, I forgot all about Roper!

Well, he is forgettable.

No! I just remembered!

Mrs. Roper is using one of the marijuana plants in her flower arrangement!

Oh, boy! We better go warn her!

It's too late. They're at the exhibition already.

That's my teacher, Stanley. Mm?

Oh. She's one of the judges.

Oh.

Straighten up!

Try to look interested. But I'm not interested.

Then try to look alive.

Oh! Give me those!

Oh. Look at the way you're dressed.

Did you remember to wear clean shorts?

Why, are they judging them too?

Ahhh! That's a beautiful effort, Miss Ramley.

Quite poetic. Get a shot.

The local press is here.

Oh, yeah?

Don't smile!

It make you look simple-minded.

The telephone for me? Oh, no!

Wait. What... Stanley, what am I gonna do?

I'm wanted on the phone and my exhibi...

Here. You take it.

- What if they take a picture while I'm gone? - So don't hurry back.

Hello. Who?

Oh. Hello, Chrissy.

Mrs. Roper has a what in her arrangement?

A can of what?

Can of bis?

What's that?

Oh, cannabis. So?

What?

What?

Marijua... Shh!

I know it's illegal. Oh, my God.

Helen. Helen, she... No. Not now, Stanley. I'm next!

But what if they find that stuff in there? Be quiet!

Helen, you don't understa... The teacher's coming.

Helen! Shh!

Ohhh! Aaah!

Ah, yes.

"Symphony of the Wild Flowers."

Ahhh.

Well, it's, uh... It's very unusual, Mrs. Roper.

Uh, perhaps a little ragged.

Not your best work, but you'll improve.

You'll improve. Keep at it.

You know what they say. "Practice makes perfect."

Why, Stanley?

Why? I didn't want them to see that plant.

Really? Why?

It's such a fascinating little fellow. What?

Yes. It's called False Aralia.

False Aralia? Not cannabis?

Cannabis?

Oh, dear me. We do have a lot to learn, haven't we?

You! You!

Thank you.

Boy. Poor Mrs. Roper.

But I don't understand where you guys got the idea that this stuff was cannabis.

Well, Larry said it was. Humph. Larry? You believed Larry?

This is obviously not cannabis. It's False Aralia.

Well, it's obvious to you. You work in a flower shop, but we don't know anything.

Well, all you have to do is compare it. Well, with what?

With this! This is cannabis!

Get it away from me. Well, I don't want it!

I'm taking it. I'm throwing this out the door, off the balcony.

I don't want this in our house anymore.

Happy birthday!

♪♪

Look at this picture! I'll be a laughingstock of the whole town!

Well, you should be used to that by now!

What? Ohhh!

It was your fault the picture was taken. Wait a minute.

Oh, look! You hit me in the head, the guy's standing in front...

Time! Time! Listen! Wait! Nobody meant any harm here!

See, Mr. Roper, Jack and Chrissy were only trying to protect you.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, and Mrs. Roper,

please don't cry.

Mr. Roper was only trying to protect you.

And now you guys are mad at each other because of a silly misunderstanding.

So why don't you two just kiss and make up?

Oh, hey, Stanley. That's a good idea.

Huh? Gimme a kiss.

What?

There.

Oh.

Aww.

Ohhh! Oh-ho!

Helen!

Helen!

Helen, what are you doing?

Married 20 years and he still doesn't know!

Three's Company was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc., Los Angeles