Original subtitles

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

Hey, Chrissy!

Hi. You wanna play drop the handkerchief? Hi.

Not with my towel.

- What is it, Janet? - Um, can I borrow your brown eyeliner?

Sure. Thank you.

What are you reading? Uh, it's called Quorum:

A Study of Personal Relationships.

Oh, a dirty book.

It is not a dirty book.

It is a serious look at modern-day problems of man and woman...

and a couple of people who had a crack at being both.

That's what I said... A dirty book.

Chrissy, it is filled with scientific facts and figures.

They're really fascinating.

Do we have a tape measure around here?

Yeah. It's in the kitchen drawer.

What do you want it for? I wanna measure my head.

See, they have this theory in there that you can measure a person's virility...

by the size of his skull.

Now, see what I mean? Scientific.

Oh, uh, Chrissy honey, just one more thing.

Could I borrow your tan skirt? Sure.

And the plaid shawl? I thought you said, "one more thing."

Well, they go together. Sure.

Oh, thank you. David will love it.

- You know, I was just thinking. - What?

There's more of me going out with David than there is of you.

Chrissy, read this.

Uh, 22 inches.

Twenty-two, huh? Yeah!

Hang on.

What a crackpot theory this is.

Why don't you let your hair grow and measure it again?

No!

Hello. No, this is Chrissy.

Oh, uh, hi, Chrissy. This is Jerry Randall.

Look, Punkin and I were going out at 8:00,

but with the traffic, we thought we'd better leave at 7:30.

- Would that be all right? - Yeah. You want a second opinion?

Uh, would you please ask Janet?

You want a third opinion?

No, no, no, no. Just tell her I'd like her to come early.

You see, she's babysitting for us. She promised weeks ago.

She did, huh?

Oh. Okay, I'll tell her. 7:30. Right. Bye-bye.

I'm all ready. Uh...

Aren't you forgetting something?

Why? Don't I look all right?

Oh, no, you look great. Thank you.

I just hope he doesn't wet himself all over your skirt.

David?

No, the Randalls's baby. What?

Jerry just called, and he said that you promised to babysit for them tonight.

Oh, no! Oh, Chrissy, I forgot!

Hey, don't worry. I'll take your place.

Will you, really? Sure.

Thanks. Where's David going to be taking me?

No!

Chrissy, honey, please, you gotta help me out here.

No, Janet. I will sit with anything but babies.

Oh, Chrissy! Oh! Oh. No! No.

Jack, sweetheart, do you think maybe you could... Absolutely out of the question,

no way, never, not a chance, impossible.

Don't beat around the bush. Yes or no?

Why don't you try Mrs. Roper? Oh, good idea.

Uh-uh, bad idea. She's in bed with the flu. Huh?

Oh, no!

I'm telling you, Helen, this cooking is not a job for a man.

I'm worn-out.

All you did was boil an egg.

What about the toast? Don't forget the toast.

Where is it? It caught on fire. I threw it out in the garbage.

Well, why didn't you make me another batch?

Because that was the last of the bread.

Oh, wonderful.

Don't blame me. If you don't remember to go

shopping before you get sick, it's not my fault.

Where you going?

I'm going to watch television. Name That Tune goes on in a few minutes.

Aw, you can watch that anytime.

Come on. Sit down and talk to me.

What do you wanna talk about?

We could talk about us.

Us?

Okay.

Well, Helen,

here we are.

You and me... in the bedroom... together.

Yes, Stanley?

If you weren't sick, we could be watching Name That Tune.

Oh, go watch your stupid program.

Well, if you don't wanna talk, it's all right with me.

Oh. Maybe I ought to sleep on the couch tonight. What for?

You got the flu. All those germs and everything.

Oh, you don't have to bother, Stanley.

You never get close enough to catch anything.

- Helen... Aah... - Aah...

Oh, Janet, I don't know one end of a baby from the other.

If I were gonna put a diaper on, it would probably suffocate.

Oh, please, please, Chrissy.

The Randalls are old friends of mine. I can't let them down.

I'm scared of being alone with a little baby.

Well, Jack could go with you.

No way. Uh-uh. I got a date with a TV set tonight.

Lakers are playing Portland. You could watch it on the Randalls's set.

Their set's much better than ours. It is?

Sure. Ooh! And they have a fabulous bar. So?

So, you know all those fancy liqueurs you've

been dying to cook with but can't afford?

- They have them all. - Really?

Yes. Well, if it'll help you out.

How about it, Chrissy? How would you like me to fix you...

crêpe Suzettes à la Grand Marnier, Curacao, Benedictine?

Well...

Come on. That's David. Will you do it?

- I will if Chrissy will. - Okay.

Oh, Chrissy, honey, thank you! Thank you!

Oh... What? Okay. Thank you too.

Jack, it's only one night.

Hi, David. Come in. Hi, Janet.

You look lovely. Oh, thank you.

Did you find the place all right? Yes, I did.

Good. I'd like for you to meet my friends, Jack and Chrissy.

- Hi, Jack, Chrissy. - Hi. - Hello, David.

What wonderful things have you planned for you and Janet this evening?

Oh! It's a special recital of 14th century music...

with Natasha Andromovich on the clavichord.

She's gonna play her collarbone?

Just kidding over there.

Oh, I see.

Fourteenth century music? Yes.

Oh, wow!

Maybe I should've stuck with the babysitting.

Punkin, Punkin, Punkin, it's 7:30. Hasn't the baby settled down yet?

No, not yet. He's still kicking like crazy.

He's gonna be a football player, this one.

No, I meant Jonathan. Oh, him. He's fine. Yeah.

Oh! That was a field goal.

Look, are you sure you're gonna be all right? Oh, sure.

Dr. James says it's not gonna happen for at least another two weeks.

Yeah, and seven months ago, he said it was indigestion.

Oh, hi. Hi, Jerry.

Janet couldn't make it, so we're gonna babysit instead, if that's okay.

Oh, fine. Sure. That's awfully kind of you. Come on in.

Thanks. Punkin, you know Chrissy.

And this is... Jack. He's gonna babysit with me.

Looks like we're a little early.

No, no. This is number two.

- Is it gonna be a boy or a girl? - I certainly hope so.

Jonathan's in the bedroom. Come on.

Well, I'll just show you where the bottles are.

Yeah, I've been looking forward to this.

They're right here in the refrigerator, under the bar.

Oh, he's so cute. How old is he? Almost a year.

You hardly had time to catch your breath

before you were off to the races again, huh?

Right. Jerry thought that having another baby...

would be a good cure for postnatal depression.

Well, we shouldn't be getting back too late.

Oh, don't worry about that. Uh, where do you keep your TV set?

Right there. But it's out being repaired now. Oh.

What?

Punkin, Punkin, come on. It takes a half hour just to get there.

All right, all right. You take all the pleasure out of being late.

Ooh. Help yourselves to a drink.

We will. Thanks.

Have a good time. Thanks a lot.

Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.

Wow, look at that color!

Oh, Chrissy, they get much better reception than we get.

If I could read lips, I could see what

Kareem was saying to Walton under the basket.

Oh, boy, this is exciting!

Oh, look, Walton's up! He shoots! All right, all right.

So you miss a basketball game.

They'll be another one next week.

Why don't you go get some of those liqueurs and start cooking?

At least there's that. Janet was right.

They've got everything in here.

It's locked. This is super. No liqueur, no cooking, no TV.

Will you stop complaining?

I just thought of something. I gotta go home.

Our apartment's empty, and somebody could walk in and steal our TV.

- I'll call you as soon as I get home. - Oh, no!

I have to go. Please let me go. No!

You're not leaving me here alone. You sit down.

Read this.

It's not gonna do you any harm to spend a

nice, peaceful evening at home for a change.

He got so red in the face. Yeah.

Babies are so cute when they're trying...

Chrissy, I'd rather not talk about it anymore.

Where do I put this?

In the bathroom.

Oh, I'm glad he finally got to sleep.

If we'd just be quiet, we could have a nice, peaceful...

Get the phone. It'll wake up the kid.

I don't know where it is. Look. Find it. Look for the cord.

I don't know.

Shh! Shh! Hello?

I'm sorry. I was ringing as quietly as I could. Did I wake the baby?

- Uh, no. - Good.

Look, Punkin went into labor right in the middle of the appetizer.

What?

Yeah. Pain every five minutes.

I had to drive her to the hospital,

so I'll be getting back a little later than I expected.

Uh, in the meantime, fix yourself another drink.

Well, I haven't even had one yet. The cabinet's locked.

Oh, I'm sorry. I should've told you.

The keys are in the desk. Good-bye.

All right. Bye-bye.

Jerry said Punkin's having the baby.

Oh, no! That means we're stuck here till he gets home.

That's all we needed.

At least we can get at the liqueur.

This is locked. That's all we needed!

That's all we needed.

Chrissy, you go in there. No, no, no.

You go in there.

♪ There was a young lady from Wheeling ♪

- ♪ Whose bust was so huge, it... ♪♪ - Jack!

What are you doing? You told me to sing to Jonathan.

That's what I'm doing. Not dirty limericks.

Well, how did you know it was a dirty limerick?

I haven't even gotten up to that part yet.

Will you s...

I'm sorry. stop it, being so silly?

Okay. I won't sing to him anymore. I shall read him a story.

Ah! Percy Puff Puff and His Little Red Tooter.

Would you like that?

Okay, we'll go with Percy.

Yes.

"'Oh, what a lovely day, ' said Percy the Puff Puff, and he tooted."

Toot! Tooted.

"Sammy the Signal raised his arm as Percy passed by.

"'Where are you going?' said Sammy.

"'I'm on my way to the seashore, ' said Percy." Do...

What? Do you think you could go back...

to "There Was a Young Lady From Wheeling"?

Chrissy, this wasn't written for you. It was written for him and me, okay?

Well, excu-u-use me!

"Percy's little tender behind...

him was full of lumpy coal for the journey." Hey.

You did good. I did?

You bored him to sleep.

Wait a minute. I wanna see how this turns out.

You're not really gonna read that, are you?

Oh, yeah, it gets real sexy later on.

Percy has a thing going with Daphne Diesel Engine.

You're nuts, you know.

No, really. What do you think was making Percy go, "puff, puff, puff"?

Boy, it's 11:30.

I sure hope Punkin's all right.

- Hello? - Oh, uh, Chrissy, hi.

No, nothing's happened yet.

But the doctor says it could be any minute now.

Look, the thing is, I, uh, promised Punkin I'd be there at the birth.

Yeah, watch the whole thing.

So if you wouldn't mind staying a little longer...

But we... See... Well, sure. Okay.

Let me talk to him, Chrissy. Hello. Yeah, everything's all right.

Listen, where do you keep the key to the writing desk?

You wanna write something?

No, I want some liqueur.

That's in the liquor cabinet. Help yourself. Good-bye.

No, no, wait, wait. I know it's in the liquor...

Damn! Don't swear!

Oh, damn!

Well, David, I had a lovely evening.

Did you? No, but I'm trying to be polite.

You don't like 14th century music?

Not to listen to. Think of it as spinach.

You may not like it, but it's good for you.

That's cute. That's real cute.

I would love to invite you in, but my roommates are home.

So if you don't mind, good night, David.

Hello.

Hi, Chrissy. How's it going?

Ooh, gee, how long has he been crying?

Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Okay. Don't worry. This is what you do.

You know the medicine chest in the bathroom?

Yeah. There's some cotton balls in there. Mm-hmm.

Just stuff them in your ears. Yeah.

Well, that's... that's what I do.

If you're so worried, why don't you call Mrs. Roper?

She used to work in a hospital.

Okay, honey. Bye-bye.

Hi!

So, you're, uh, all alone.

Uh, oh, yeah, I see what you...

Well, now, I will be, just as soon as you leave.

Oh, hey, hey, can't a thirsty guy get a drink around here?

Oh, sure you can. What would you like?

Oh. Scotch and soda.

Great! You can get that at the Regal Beagle. It's right around the corner.

Good night, David! Thanks! Why?

"'What a lovely sand castle, ' said Percy Puff Puff."

See the little sand castle? Hi.

What did Janet say?

She doesn't know. Do you think he's teething?

What? Do you think he's teething?

No, "Chrithy," I'm "thure" he's "therious."

Shh.

Aren't you worried at all?

You're responsible for that baby.

I am not. I've only been in L.A. for six months.

Shh.

I'm gonna call Mrs. Roper.

Shh. Okay, now... Wait. Be qu... Come on. Come on.

Where were we? Oh, yeah.

"'Toot-toot, ' said Percy..."

Oh, you went to sleep.

Oh, you're a big help.

Stanley. Stanley!

Not tonight, Helen. Maybe tomorrow night.

Oh.

I said, "Maybe tomorrow night."

Hello.

Oh, Chrissy.

Oh, no, no, no, you're not disturbing me.

Nothing ever disturbs me in bed.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, I used to work in a hospital.

In the laundry room.

Yes. Did some of his buttons come loose?

Oh. Oh. Well, maybe it's gas.

Or maybe he needs changing.

Oh. Look, well, did you feel his bottom, Chrissy?

What? Whose bottom?

Quiet, Stanley.

Listen, rub some oil between his legs,

and sprinkle some powder on it.

What?

Go to sleep, Stanley, or I'll breathe on you.

Hey, listen, Chrissy, I've got an idea.

Try putting some honey on his nipple.

What?

Well, we'll try anything.

It's all right. He went to sleep. Let me talk to her.

Mrs. Roper, hi. He let out one big burp and went right to sleep.

Yeah, well, thank you. Okay. Good night.

So it was gas!

Either that or a sonic boom.

Oh, what a relief! Yeah, that's what he said.

Well, that solves that.

Now there's only one more problem.

Looks like we're gonna have to sleep here tonight.

Yeah, and there's only one bed, right?

Right.

All right! What?

Hi. What happened last night?

Oh, you don't wanna know about that, Janet.

What? Jack, why didn't you guys come home last night?

Hello.

Um, why did the two of you spend the night here?

Janet, Janet, you're a woman of the world.

No, I'm not. You would be if you spent the night here.

Congratulations!

Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.

That was Punkin. How is she?

Her mother's coming over here right now. Why?

She had a girl! Seven pounds, 10 ounces!

- Her mother? - No. Punkin.

Oh, wow, that's wonderful!

- Why is her mother coming over? - Jerry had a concussion.

How much does it weigh?

Chrissy, honey, what are you talking about?

About Punkin having a baby.

Yes. More, please.

Jerry fainted during the birth and hit his head on the floor,

and they're holding him for observation.

Oh, God, we're never gonna leave here! We're stuck here for life!

Jack... Oh.

Good morning. I'm Punkin's mother. Morning...

Where's my grandson? Shh! He's still asleep.

Still asleep at this hour? That's terrible.

It's lucky I'm here. His breakfast has to be made,

his diapers washed, his bed has to be changed.

Is his bath ready? Don't ask us.

We're the night shift.

You want the day shift.

What? Come on. Let's get going.

Oh, no. He likes cereal for breakfast.

Make sure his bath isn't too warm, and we mustn't forget his little rubber duck.

Lady... Lady, listen... We mustn't forget his little rubber duck.

No, Jack. Jack, Jack, sweetheart...

Have a wonderful time! Jack... Jack... Chrissy?

Right. Okay. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Chrissy...

Chrissy... Guys!

Don't just stand there. Come on. Get cracking. Get cracking.

Yeah, right. Cracking, right. Cracking. Creeps.

No!

Janet!

That's it. That's it.

That's the last sit I do for anyone.

- That bad, huh? - Oh, Jack.

Jack, there are no words to describe how I feel.

- Well, you look awful. - That's one.

Wait a minute. I thought the kid's grandmother was there.

- Didn't you get any help? - Oh, yeah, she was there, all right.

About two minutes after you guys left,

she collapses on the couch and mumbles something like,

"Oh, my poor heart can't take all this excitement."

You're kidding. What did you do?

Oh, Chrissy, I spent the next 12 hours...

feeding and fetching and reading.

"'Toot, toot' went the Little Red Tooter.

'Toot, toot' went Percy the Toot Toot."

Percy the Puff Puff.

Gee, we didn't have any trouble with that baby.

The baby? I'm talking about the old lady.

Three's Company was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc., Los Angeles