Original subtitles

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Merry Christmas, Janet.

Merry Christmas, J... Oh, what is that?

It's a sprig of mistletoe. Ah!

I figure this way it's easier than hanging it up...

and waiting for some girl to walk under it.

It's my own invention. I'm thinking of getting a patent on it. Ohh!

Merry Christmas, Chrissy. Umph!

Merry Christmas, Jack.

Oh! Oh, Janet! Oh, the tree looks so fantastic. I love it. Yeah.

Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Hmm?

Ho-ho-ho.

♪ La, la, la La, la, la ♪

You chopped off my sprig! Scrooge!

Oh, Jack, I...

Ho-ho-ho.

Okay, why don't we open our presents now? Oh, boy!

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas Let's open

'em right here ♪♪ Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

This is for you. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

This is for you. This is for you. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

It's for you. Why don't you go first, Chrissy?

- Okay. Oh, I love Christmas. - Yeah, me too.

I was named after today. Your real name is Sunday?

No, Christmas. Chrissy is short for Christmas.

Did you know that? Sure.

Ohh! Oh, Janet, I love it!

Oh, thank you so much!

You're welcome. Wait a minute. I always thought it was short for Christine.

No. Christmas Snow?

Well,

my father was a big fan of Bing Crosby.

Oh, perfume. Thank you, Chrissy.

"A Thousand and One Nights."

If it gets me just one, I'll be happy.

Ahh, thank you, Janet. Wear them well, Jack.

Oh, thank you, Chrissy.

Why didn't you tell me you were getting him socks?

Why didn't you tell me you were gettin' him socks?

'Cause I bought mine after you bought yours.

- Oh, no. I'm sure I bought mine last. - I bet you didn't!

Hey, girls, girls, girls. It's Christmas, remember? I bet I did.

Goodwill to all women. I love both pairs of socks.

I'm sorry, Chrissy. I was silly. I'm sorry, too, Janet.

And now... ♪♪

Janet, this is for you. Thank you, Jack.

This is for you, Christmas. Thank you, Jack.

♪ Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go laughing all the way Hee-hee-hee ♪

- ♪ Bells on bobtail ring making spirits... ♪♪ - Ooh!

Oh, Jack! This is perfect. Thank you.

This is super!

Well, I must admit, I do have a knack for

getting the right thing for the right people.

Oh, hey, Chrissy,

wouldn't this go perfect with your new peasant blouse?

Oh, yeah! Thanks!

Oh, and this would be great with your new black outfit, wouldn't it?

Yes, yes!

Oh, Jack, thank you.

It was just what we needed!

Oh, oh! Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Thank you. That's just what I needed. I'll go in and start the breakfast.

♪ La, la, la La, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪♪ What's the matter with you?

Oh, it's just, this is my first Christmas away from home.

We used to have chestnuts and sing carols around the tree.

♪ God rest ye, merry gentlemen Let nothing through this way ♪

Let nothing you dismay.

Oh, I'm not sad.

It's just that we used to go listen to my father preach,

and then we'd have open house.

Oh, everybody loves daddy's parties, even the local rabbi.

In fact, once he tried to teach him "Onward, Christian Soldiers,"

and it came out like "Hava Nagilia."

Gee, Chrissy, I thought your father was a real stern minister.

Oh, he is, except when he's having fun. Oh!

He always has fun at Christmas.

Gee, I'm gonna really miss having a party today. No, you're not.

Why? We'll have a Chrissy Christmas party right here.

Oh, Jack! What a great idea!

Thank you very kindly. Oh!

Oh, guys, we don't have to worry about making noise.

The Ropers went to Mrs. Roper's brother's for the whole weekend. Hey, that's right!

Yeah! Oh, that's fantastic!

Yeah! Oh! Who we gonna invite?

Oh... I know who I'm going to invite.

Who? I'm going to invite...

the most sensual, sexy, seductive woman you ever saw.

Well, you can't invite one of us. We're already here.

I mean the luscious Liz Martin.

I really dig her. She's built like a... Hi, gorgeous. It's me.

Listen, I have just been overcome by lust, and I've got a crude proposition...

Oh, hello, Mrs. Martin. Could I speak to your daughter please?

And a... And a merry Christmas to you too.

I'll call Mark.

Who's Mark? Oh, he's her latest. He's kind of an actor, sort of.

Oh, really? What's he done?

Well... Oh, remember last week, we saw that Ibsen play on TV, Hedda Gabler?

Yeah. He was the one who sprayed the deodorant and went "Ooh!"

In Hedda Gabler? No, no, no, no, Jack, in the commercial, remember?

Ooh! Oh.

The star of Armpit Theater. I'll go check breakfast.

Hi, Mark?

Hey, listen. We're having a party here tonight. Can you come?

Ohh. Oh, yeah, that's okay.

Yeah. Merry Christmas. Bye-bye.

Isn't he coming?

No, he's busy. He's got another commercial to do.

He's gonna be voice of a freeze-dried pea.

Ohh. Gee, Chrissy, that's too bad.

That's really a tough acting job. What's a pea sound like?

Pardon?

Listen, listen, I have an idea.

Let's make out a list of all the people that we want to invite to our party.

That's good thinking. Oh, good. Yeah.

Okay. Um, what about Michael Keeler?

Oh, don't invite him. Every time he has a drink it goes straight to his hands.

Well, okay. All right. Just so we invite more

guys than girls. I want them fighting over me.

That's okay with me. All I need is one girl who likes to say yes.

- What for? - Well, you know what these parties can develop into...

with any luck.

I have never been so ashamed in all my life.

I'm not surprised they asked us to leave.

Well, your brother was picked up for drunken driving, wasn't he?

Well, you didn't have to remind about it over and over again all night long.

They'll never ask us back.

Good. Then it wasn't a complete waste of time, was it? What?

The only time they invite us to visit is

when they have something they wanna show off.

Like last year, they had the radio-controlled garage door?

Remember I stood out in the pouring rain, watching it go up and down, up and down?

That's no excuse for doing what you did in their fish tank!

It was the cheap wine they served.

You didn't have to pour it in! Those poor guppies'll be drunk for days.

It's good for 'em. Fish are supposed to drink.

I'm sure you've heard the expression, "He drinks like a fish."

Yeah. There's another one I've heard too:

"Stupid is as stupid does."

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah.

Oh, my God, what a Christmas this is gonna be.

Uh-huh. Oh, you can't come.

Oh, gee. Well, that's a shame.

Where're you going?

Oh, to the Stevens' party.

Well, listen, have a wonderful Christmas. Yeah, see you.

Well, that's it, group.

That's the last name on our list.

Nobody wants to come to our party.

That's because nearly all of 'em are going

to the Stevens' party in the next building.

Sounds like it's gonna be fabulous.

- Yeah, how come we weren't invited? I know Betty Stevens. - Yeah, and I know Jimmy.

We were invited to their Thanksgiving party.

Yeah. What'd you do to get 'em mad at us?

We took you.

Me? What did I do?

Your juggling act with their best china.

It's the first time I ever missed.

Well, I guess we'll just have to settle for a quiet Christmas among the three of us.

Hi, Chrissy. Merry Christmas to you. Well, merry Christmas!

Hi, Mrs. Roper. Hello. Merry Christmas.

I thought you went away for the weekend. So did I.

Well, what happened?

Well, I don't think that Stanley and my brother get along very well together.

- What makes you think that? - They keep hitting each other.

Hey, listen. I got a great idea.

Now, are you kids doing anything special tonight? Not a thing.

No, no. Oh, that's wonderful!

Why? What? Well, I just thought since Stanley and me are on our own,

and you guys aren't going anyplace, that maybe you can come downstairs...

and have a Christmas party with us.

Oh, well, I don't, uh... Hey, we'd love to! Wouldn't we, Janet?

Uh, oh, yeah. Thank you very much for asking.

Oh, that's wonderful! Hey, listen.

I'll bake a cake, and we'll play spin the bottle and everything.

- Ah! See ya later! - Bye!

Spin the bottle.

That's my very favorite game next to pin the tail on the donkey.

Aw, come on, Jack. I think it's really nice of Mrs. Roper to think of us.

It's not my idea of an exciting Christmas, you know.

- Hello? Oh, hi, Jimmy. It's Jimmy Stevens. - What?

Huh? What do you mean, why didn't we answer your invitation?

We never got your invitation.

Well, it must've gotten lost in the mail.

Sure we would. Yeah. Thanks for calling. Bye-bye, Jimmy.

Guess what? We're goin' to the Stevens' party?

Yes! Ha-ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! ♪ We're goin' to the Stevens' ♪

♪ We're goin' to the Stevens' We're goin' to the Stevens' ♪♪

♪ No, we are not No, we are not ♪

We are going to the Roper's.

No!

Chrissy... No, Jack, we can't go to the Stevens'.

We promised Mrs. Roper we'd go downstairs.

And it might be fun.

Anything would be more fun than that...

Whale gutting in the Arctic, for instance, would be more fun.

I am really surprised at you, Jack.

Christmas is supposed to be a festive season,

and all you can think about is enjoying yourself.

Oh, well, she is right.

I mean, if we don't turn up, it'd be a lousy trick to play on the Ropers.

And if we do turn up, it'll be a lousy trick to play on us.

You don't want to spoil Mrs. Roper's Christmas, do you?

Wait a minute, Jack. Wait a minute.

Mr. Roper will be asleep by 9:30. He always is.

Hey, that's right. Then we can cut out and go to the Stevens' party.

Yes! Yeah. That's great.

Why don't you wear the socks I gave you?

- Oh, sorry. - Yeah.

Hey, we can take this bottle of wine down with us. It's almost full.

Chrissy, that's cooking wine.

Oh, good. Then we can drink it while Mrs. Roper's cooking.

Chrissy, Chrissy...

Why aren't you wearing the socks that I gave you?

Oh. I'm sorry. Oh.

Try to make yourself look festive, Stanley.

What do you want me to do, stick holly up my nose?

I don't know why you invited them to come down here in the first place.

Because it's Christmas.

They're here. Did you brush your teeth?

Yeah. Why?

You might want to smile or something.

Oh, hi! Come in! Hi. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Well... Sure was nice of you to ask us down.

Jack's been talking about nothing else all day. True, true.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Well... Heh-heh. Oh, my.

What a nice, plastic Christmas tree.

It's pine scented. It works as an air freshener too.

Well, sit yourselves down!

Drinks, Stanley. I'm getting 'em, Helen.

- This Scotch is seven years old, you know. - Really?

Oh, yes. I was with him the day he opened the bottle.

I like the wreath on your door.

I saw the wreath. It's very, very green. That's a great wreath.

Well, that was a present from my brother Billy.

It came wrapped around Stanley's neck.

He tried to strangle me with it.

Billy has good intentions.

Here we are.

Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.

Thanks, Mr. Roper.

Merry Christmas.

Cheers.

Jack, you know your socks don't match?

Oh, uh, well, it's the latest thing.

Yeah. He has another pair just like it upstairs.

See, I got two pair... a pair down here, and then I got another one upstairs.

Well, what shall we play?

I don't like games.

Tell me about it.

Oh, I know. I could show you one of my card tricks.

Where are the cards, Helen? They're in the bedroom.

See, I play a lot of solitaire in bed.

Nuts!

Oh!

I forgot the nuts!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Stop thinking about the party next door.

I can't. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to myself.

Come on, you two. We are going to have fun. Okay.

Right. Okay, Jack. Here, take these cards.

All right. Now I'm gonna use my mentalist powers to try...

You're not supposed to shuffle 'em!

Nuts, everybody.

Oh, my, Jack, you look so pensive.

Heh! Penny for your thoughts!

Oh, I...

I was just thinking about whale gutting in the Arctic.

Oh, that's nice.

Okay, Chrissy. Take a card, any card.

Not that one! Put that one back!

Here, take a card.

Oh, that's very good!

I'm not finished yet!

Yeah, it goes on for hours.

Well, it's very good so far.

Okay, I'm concentrating.

Uh, your card is a seven.

Seven of diamonds. That's fantastic, isn't it?

Amazing! Oh, it's incredible.

I don't know how you do it.

Well, it's very deceptive. You gotta use your hands...

- This is the two of clubs. - What?

I know. I didn't want to spoil the trick.

I'll get it.

Come on, Jack. Get your fingers moving.

Hmm?

On the piano.

Oh, would you? Oh, Jack, I didn't even know you played.

Neither did I, but we all gotta learn sometime.

♪♪ Oh!

Who was that on the phone, Stanley? That was your brother.

He found your earrings. Where were they?

In the punch bowl.

Oh, that's nice. Has he been playing long?

No, he just started just now.

Actually, he used to play the violin,

but the beer glass kept sliding off.

I sing, you know. ♪♪

What? I sing. You know "The Road to Mandalay"?

If you do, now's the time to take it.

Never mind that. Just play a chord, any chord. ♪♪

♪ Oh, give me some men who are stouthearted men ♪

♪ Who will fight for the right they adore ♪♪ ♪♪

♪ Roll out the barrel ♪

♪ We'll have a barrel of fun ♪ Everybody!

♪ Roll out the barrel We got the blues on the run ♪ ♪♪

Isn't this fun?

♪ Zing, boom, tararrel Ring out a song of good cheer ♪

♪ Now's the time to roll the barrel ♪

♪ For the gang's all here ♪♪

♪ The queen waiting there ♪

♪ With a silvery crown ♪

♪ In a shanty ♪

♪ In old Shanty ♪

♪ Tow-ow-own ♪♪

- Oh, very good! - For a trained seal.

What else do you wanna sing?

Do you know "I'm Walking Behind You on Your Wedding Day"?

Oh, I hope not.

Well, maybe that's enough singing for tonight.

Oh! Now maybe we can do something fun.

Ooh, I got a surprise. I got a surprise for everybody.

Oh, guys, Roper is never gonna go to sleep. He's just now getting his second wind.

♪♪

♪♪

Everybody dance!

Oh, my goodness, look! It's five after 10:00 already!

This is way past my bedtime. It really is. I've got some studying to do tomorrow.

Excuse me, please. I'll just mosey on upstairs.

Must you? You really have to go, Jack?

I'm afraid so. I need that sleep. Uh, I don't wanna drag you two away, so...

- Oh, no! We'll come to bed with you! - What?

Well, I mean, at the same time. Yeah.

Oh, I'm so sorry you have to leave so soon.

It's just as well, Helen. I'd like to turn in early myself.

Great, Mr. Roper. Thank you...

I'd like to say it's been a pleasant evening. I'd like to say that too.

Oh, well, we'll make it again sometime soon.

Yes, perhaps next Christmas, maybe.

I did it. They couldn't break me. I kept my sanity.

Shh-shh! Shh-shh! They'll hear you!

Come on. We can still make it to the Stevens' party in plenty of time.

Oh, yeah! Yeah! Let's go! Now we can meet some interesting people.

- I don't know how you could do it, Stanley! - Do what?

Break your own record for most boring evening.

You drove those kids outta here.

I did, didn't I? You were terrible.

- I was, wasn't I? - What are you grinning about?

There's a method to my madness, Helen. You

know that phone call? That wasn't your brother.

- It wasn't? - No. We're invited to the Stevens' big party after all!

Oh, wonderful! I knew my bugle would send those kids upstairs!

Oh, yeah! And you knew how much I wanted to go to the Stevens' party!

Yeah. Maybe now we'll meet some interesting people! Yeah!

I hope you're not mad at us, Mrs. Roper. I just want to apologize once again.

We should've told you about the Stevens' party. Oh, don't be silly, Jack.

The look on Stanley's face when he walked in and saw you!

That was worth everything.

Here, I'll take him now. Okay.

Okay, Stanley. Oh, oh, oh! Hang on, hang on!

Mrs. Roper, why don't you let us help you get him to bed?

Oh, no. That's all right. Just put him under

the tree. I'll unwrap him in the morning.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Stanley.

Three's Company was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc., Los Angeles