Original subtitles

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

Stanley, why don't you put the salt and pepper and ketchup on your eggs...

all at once instead of piece by piece?

Because if I put it on all at once, I might miss a few spots.

See, I might have some pieces with too much salt and not enough ketchup or pepper.

Or, some with too much pepper and not enough ketchup or salt.

Or, some with just enough salt, but too much ketchup or pepper.

Or, some with too much salt and too much ketchup... All right. All right.

I'm sorry I asked.

You shouldn't be. It was a very good question.

You know, Stanley, I'm still waiting for you...

to say something about the new nightgown I wore last night.

Didn't you think it was sexy?

Please, Helen, not while I'm eating.

Or while you're sleeping or while you're working...

or while you're standing or sitting...

Can we please talk about something else? All right.

I want a raise in my allowance.

Your nightgown's very nice.

Stanley, I asked you about my allowance.

You wanna pass me the hotcakes?

You wanna talk about my allowance?

First things first. First, pass me the hotcakes.

Then we'll talk about your allowance.

All right. Thank you.

Now can we talk about my allowance? Sure.

Can I have a raise? No.

No? That's right. Where's the syrup?

There isn't any.

I can't eat hotcakes without any syrup.

And I can't shop without enough money.

I give you enough money.

For 1967, it was enough money.

Well, you gotta be more careful when you shop.

You gotta cut back on the unimportant things.

- Like what? - Like yogurt.

I love yogurt!

I hate it. And what about all that tuna fish you buy?

- That's my favorite lunch. - I never touch it.

All right. You wanna cut back?

I'll stop buying all that cocoa. Not my cocoa!

No, no. I need my cocoa. I can't sleep without my cocoa.

Then you should've married your cocoa! Helen.

You're askin' for it. All I'm asking for is another $20 a week.

You wouldn't even miss it.

Helen, I'm not an unreasonable man.

If you want some more money for something, just ask me.

Stanley, don't you understand? I don't wanna be treated like a child...

and have to come begging every time I want a quarter.

A quarter is no problem.

I want my own money to spend the way I want.

It is not your money. It is my money...

which I give to you.

That's a terrible thing to say.

That's the way it is. You can't do anything about it.

Oh, yes, I can.

What?

I don't know, but I'll think of something.

I'll-I'll... I know. I'll get a job.

That's what I'll do. What?

You get a job? What can you do?

I can do lots of things. I worked before.

When I was a girl, I used to work for the post office.

Well, times have changed since the Pony Express.

Listen, Stanley, you keep talking like that...

and I really will go out and get a job.

No, you won't. You love being a housewife.

A homemaker. What's the difference?

There's a lot of difference. A housewife makes a woman...

sound like she's her husband's possession.

His sexual toy.

Well, I don't blame you for not wanting to be one of those.

I'd love it.

Mmm. Boy, what a great breakfast. Thanks, Jack.

Mmm, yeah. I love eggs Benedict. Hey, I wonder how it got its name.

Maybe it was named after the first hen that laid them.

Uh, no, Chrissy. It was probably named after the chef who first made it.

There was a chef named Eggs Benedict?

I'll get it.

Would you like some more coffee, Chrissy? No, thanks.

I don't wanna be that wide awake for work.

Oh. Hi, Mrs. Roper.

Good morning, Janet. Come in. Come in.

I was just won... Oh! Oh, hey, wait a minute. Something smells delicious.

Oh, yeah. Jack's breakfast. Eggs Benedict.

Oh, yeah. You know, I made that for Stanley once, but he didn't care for it.

He didn't? No.

He said he hated to eat anything that was staring back at him.

Something we can do for you, Mrs. Roper?

Oh, yeah, I just wondered if I could borrow some maple syrup.

Oh, sure. I'll get it for you. Thanks.

Oh, you know, I just said the stupidest thing.

Oh, asking for maple syrup isn't stupid.

Is it? Oh, no.

I meant downstairs. I was asking Stanley to raise my allowance.

And he said, "No," and I got mad and said...

I was gonna go out and get a job.

Hey, good for you.

- That's terrific. - What's terrific?

Mrs. Roper's gonna get a job. Isn't that great?

Oh, no, I'm not. And it's terrible. I don't want a job.

I'm just so thankful that he didn't take me seriously.

Oh, thanks for the maple syrup. Wait a minute, Mrs. Roper.

Why don't you have a little seat here for a minute? How come you don't want a job?

Because I don't wanna go to work.

I-I-I enjoy staying home...

just, uh, you know, puttering around the house,

working in the garden, going shopping...

Begging your husband for more money.

Oh, I can get around him on that.

I know a few tricks. Well, yeah, but that's demeaning.

Hey, now, hold it, girls. Don't call us "girls."

Yeah. We're women.

Okay, hold it, women.

You know, if Mrs. Roper doesn't want a job, I don't think it's...

Jack, would you please just stay out of this? Now, Mrs. Roper,

a job could really be wonderful for you.

- It could change your whole life. - How?

You wouldn't have to depend on Mr. Roper for anything.

That's the way it is now.

Wouldn't you rather be independent and be your own person?

Look, fellas. Hey! Quit pulling!

What are you trying to do?

We're just trying to help Mrs. Roper expand her horizons.

I thought we were trying to help her find a job.

Do you girls know anything about marriage?

Certainly. It's when a boy and a girl fall in love...

and live happily ever after, and everything they do is legal.

That's a fairy tale. That's for children.

That's right. If they want children, they can have them too.

Janet, what I'm trying to... Jack, look. All we're trying to do...

is tell Mrs. Roper that this is the day of equal rights for women.

A woman has a right to make her own life...

To go out in the world and make something of herself.

But, Janet, what about a woman's right to be a homemaker if she wants to?

Isn't that an equal right too?

She's got a point there.

- Whose side are you on? - I don't know.

Janet, all I'm saying is that it's none of our business.

It's not your business, it's not your business.

It's certainly none of my business, so I'm gonna keep my nose out of it.

That's a good idea, Jack. Thank you.

Now I can talk to Mrs. Roper without being interrupted.

Mrs. Roper, it just happens that...

the cafeteria next to the flower shop needs a new cashier.

Why don't I go call the manager? He's a good friend of mine.

No, no, no! Janet, I told you I don't want a job!

Janet, did you hear what she said?

Yes, I heard what she said. And you said it was none of your business.

Oh, hi, Mr. Roper.

Where'd you go for the maple syrup, Vermont?

Oh, I'm sorry, Stanley. We just got to talking, and... Talking?

While I sat downstairs and watched my hotcakes get cold.

- I'm sorry. - It's all right.

What were you talking about? About Mrs. Roper getting a job.

Are you choking, Stanley? No.

No, I'm laughing. I mean, you working? That's really funny.

What do you mean? I could get a job if I wanted to.

Hold it, hold it. You're starting to make me laugh again.

Mr. Roper, if I were you, I'd drop the subject. You see...

Jack, will you just stay out of this? I got enough trouble...

arguing with one woman.

Okay, you're on your own.

Mrs. Roper, good news.

I just spoke to my friend, and I talked him into trying you out.

He says the cashier's job is yours if you want it.

Why don't you at least check it out? Here's the address.

She doesn't want a job.

If you don't mind, Stanley, I can speak for myself.

Fair enough. You tell her you don't want it.

If I wanted to take that job, I would.

Over my dead body, you would.

You just made me an offer I can't refuse.

Come in. The door's open.

Hi, Jack. I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.

Uh, well, I got three things cooking on the stove,

I'm waiting for my bread to rise, and I'm making a cake.

Oh, good. I was afraid you were busy.

Something I can do for you, Mr. Roper?

Yeah. You know, I'm not the kind of guy to go around borrowing things.

You know, my wife went to work today, and I...

You wanna borrow a wife?

Look, would you mind doing me a favor?

Do me a favor, would you? Once you start beating this, you're not supposed to stop.

Would you mind?

A little faster.

Just, uh... Just keep beating that until it's nice and fluffy.

What is this we're making?

It's a lemon swirl pound cake.

Oh, it sounds delicious. You hungry?

No. I had a great lunch. I made it myself.

- Oh, really? What'd you have? - Peanut butter sandwich.

Well, we must exchange recipes sometime.

There's nothin' to it. All you need are two pieces of bread,

some peanut butter and a knife.

Gee, I wish I had time to write that down.

Boy, what do they teach you guys at cooking school?

Okay, that's fine. I'll take over now, thank you.

So, how's your day been without Mrs. Roper?

Oh, nice and quiet.

Like, when I'm reading, nobody barges into the bathroom and disturbs me.

You're doing okay then?

Yeah, terrific. As a matter of fact, I could do whatever I want.

Like, right now, I'm going down to the Regal Beagle and just relax.

Boy, I tell ya, Jack, I'm-I'm just fine.

This guy is doing just fine.

Mmm. This is good. Want a taste?

Mr. Roper, wasn't there something you came up here to borrow?

Oh, yeah. You wouldn't happen to have a jar of peanut butter, would you?

Oh. Sorry. I never use it. I hate the way it sticks to the roof of the refrigerator.

I'm doin' just fine, girls. Just fine.

What was that all about?

I guess he's found out he doesn't need his wife anymore.

You see, I told you what would happen if you insisted on meddling.

Oh, Jack, don't exaggerate.

What Mrs. Roper is doing will probably really help their marriage.

That's right. I mean, next time we see Mrs. Roper,

she'll be a whole new different woman.

Did you have a nice day, Mrs. Roper?

Mrs. Roper, you look so... Different.

What-What happened?

Did you ever see the movie Earthquake?

The cafeteria was like that?

Only after it quieted down...

when the rush hour was over.

Oh, well, a lot of people have trouble their first day at work.

Correction... Last day at work.

Oh, you're not thinking of quitting, are you?

Let me put it this way: yes.

But you can't quit after just one day. You can do that job.

Oh, I can do the job. I just don't want it.

You know the nicest thing that happened to me today?

Somebody gave me a free lunch.

Well, that was nice.

Yeah, they dumped it all over my dress.

Pea soup. Well, accidents do happen.

Yeah, maybe he didn't see you.

I don't think he could see anything.

It's the first restaurant I've ever been in...

where the customers sip their coffee from brown paper bags.

What are you gonna tell Mr. Roper?

I think I'll get down on my knees and beg his forgiveness.

Oh. Well, then he'll say, "I told you so."

Oh, yeah. Oh, you're right.

Oh, every day for the rest of my life,

"I told you so, Helen."

Oh. I can't go back to Stanley.

I can't go back to work. What am I gonna do?

Well, maybe if you... Hold it. Just hold it.

Now, if you girls are through meddling, I'll take over.

Mrs. Roper, this is what you're gonna do.

You're gonna go downstairs and change your dress, freshen up, and come back here.

And when I bring Mr. Roper back from the Regal Beagle,

you will tell him what a beautiful, glorious, successful day you had at work.

And while I'm at it, why don't I also tell him...

that I met Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny?

Trust me.

- Is there anything I can do? - Yes, you've got the most important job of all.

- What's that? - In 30 minutes, turn off the oven and take my cake out.

Jack, wait a minute. Wait, wait.

What are you gonna do? Well, what do you do...

when you put a crooked screw into the wall and you wanna take it out?

You unscrew it? That's right.

So I'm going to unscrew what the two of you just screwed up.

You want another beer? Why would she wanna take a job?

I don't know. Some women like to get out of the house.

But why Helen? I mean, I'm home with her all day.

You want another beer?

No, thanks, I had enough. Oh, Mr. Roper, I found you. I got something to tell you.

After all, we men have to stick together, you know.

You want a beer, Jack? No, thanks. That's fine.

I just saw Mrs. Roper. Big trouble. Big trouble.

That's my wife. No, no, you don't understand what I mean.

She's only been on the job one day, and already there's this big change.

Big change? Well, yeah.

She's talking about a new purpose in life, a new sense of freedom.

She sounds full of confidence. There's a-a glow about her.

Yeah. She's been having those flashes lately.

It's probably from meeting all those new men at work. Men? Men? What men?

Well, but then, you know, Mrs. Roper isn't the type...

to be taken in by good looks and flashy clothes, is she?

Of course she is. Why do you think she picked me?

Well, it's a shame losing your wife over a few dollars.

I haven't lost my wife. Maybe not.

But if I were you... And I'm not...

Thank God.

If I were you, I'd go home and talk to her before it's too late.

Too late? What do you mean, too late?

She was talking about this guy who was asking her for a date. Guy? A date?

Yeah, right. With Helen?

Sure. My Helen?

Right. Oh, my God!

I had to change right down to my skin.

I think that soup was made with sulfuric acid.

I guess you wouldn't wanna give the restaurant another shot, would you?

Oh, I'd love to, right between the owner's eyes.

Jack? Are you all right? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

- Where's Mr. Roper? - He's c... He's... I-I...

I had to run to get here ahead of him so we could really...

Jack? Jack, is everything okay?

Everything's perfect. Mrs. Roper, he's gonna beg you to come back.

Oh! Thank you, Jack!

But you gotta tell him you love the job and you don't wanna give it up.

But I do wanna give... give it...

all-all my time.

It's such a lovely place to work.

Oh, hello, Stanley. Hello.

Why'd you run past me like that?

Oh, I-I-I just remembered, I hadn't had my daily jog yet.

I didn't think you guys ran. I thought you all flew.

Your mind is really brimming with meretricious fallacies, isn't it?

I try to think so. Yeah.

Now, Helen, about your job.

Yes, Mr. Roper, she's loving that job. She had a wonderful day.

She did?

- Fantastic day. - You did?

Oh, yes.

It was a day, all right. Quite a day.

And a nice man even insisted on giving her his lunch.

A nice man?

Helen, listen, I've been thinking.

Maybe I've been wrong about your housekeeping money.

- Oh, really, Stanley? - Oh, you sure were wrong.

Why, Mrs. Roper's doing so well, her boss is gonna give her a raise.

She's gonna get $150 a week.

Oh, Stanley, you were saying that...

- $150 a week? - That's right.

Stanley, you were saying that you thought maybe you were wrong.

There's no maybes about it. I was wrong.

Oh, thank you, Stanley.

Helen, that money'll come in handy.

I mean, you can't give up a job like that.

But, Stanley... Come on, Helen.

Where are you going? Downstairs to wait for my dinner.

Oh! Now I'm right back where I started!

- Mrs. Roper, I'm really sorry. - I have an idea. What if we...

Chrissy, please! If I need any more bad ideas, I'll think of 'em myself.

I'm so sorry about all this, Mrs. Roper.

I can't stand to see you beaten.

Beaten? Oh, hey, I'm not beaten, Janet.

He may have won the battle,

but I'm gonna win the war.

Yeah! Bring our boys home now!

What?

Helen, where's my dinner? I'm starved.

I'm so glad, Stanley,

because tonight we're having your favorite...

Peanut butter.

I want something hot. Then why don't you put it on the stove?

Or maybe you oughta start eating out.

Eating out? Eating out costs a fortune.

Yes, it'll... it'll use up all that money I'll be making.

Wait a minute. All that money? Sure.

Eating out at all those fabulous restaurants every night.

Wait a minute. Forget those fabulous restaurants.

I want you right here. You do?

Sure. I want my wife at home...

cooking and cleaning and doing the laundry.

Do you know what you're saying, Stanley?

Sure. I don't want my wife to work.

And what about the housekeeping money?

I'll-I'll give you the $20.

Thank you, Stanley.

It's all right.

Of course, I'll still expect you to help me out around the house.

- What? - But I'll repay you.

How could you possibly repay me?

I'll give you a hint.

It'll keep you off your feet.

Oh. Oh.

What are you two so down about?

We nearly loused up Mrs. Roper's entire life.

Yeah. I feel so dumb.

Oh, come on. She called and said everything's okay now.

So cheer up. Well...

Hey, I got something that'll make you guys feel better.

I learned it from a friend who studied with a swami.

It's guaranteed to drive your blues away and get you laughing again.

All right, now, pick up your milk. Let's go.

Come on, Janet. Pick up your milk. Okay.

All right. Now, repeat after me.

Sadness depart, leave gladness in my heart. Say that.

Sadness depart,

leave gladness in my heart.

Now, drink your milk, but only drink your milk from this side of the glass.

Never drink it from this side of the glass.

- Why can't you drink from that side? - If you drink from this side,

you'll spill it all over yourself.

See, I told you it would make you laugh!

Three's Company was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc., Los Angeles