Original subtitles

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

Janet, do you dream a lot?

Uh, it depends on what I've had for dinner.

Do you dream dirty?

- Is John Denver dirty? - No.

Then I'm clean.

Why? I don't know. It's this book I'm reading.

Look Beyond Your Dreams? Yeah. It's got me so scared, I'm afraid to go to sleep.

I mean, according to this book, I must be a depraved sex fiend.

Why? What've you been dreaming about?

The other night I dreamed I was back in school,

and I went to the prom wearing blue shoes.

- So? What's wrong with that? - No dress.

Oh. Okay. It doesn't seem to matter what I dream about.

In this book, even chocolate chip cookies are sexy.

No kidding? Geez, it never turned me on.

Listen, Chrissy. If I were you, I would not worry.

Dreams can mean whatever you want 'em to.

Well, what about last night?

I dreamed I was walking down this leafy lane, eating a blueberry muffin,

and suddenly there was this white unicorn with a tulip in its teeth.

A unicorn? Well, that doesn't mean that you were...

Well, look it up. Look under "unicorn." Okay.

Oop-oop-oop-oop.

"The unicorn is the classic symbol..."

Whoa! See?

Yeah, this is better than John Denver.

Hi. Did you have a good ride? No, not really.

I couldn't get my mind off of this strange dream I had last night.

What strange dream? Well, I dreamed I was riding this big, white unicorn...

Did it have a tulip in its teeth?

I don't know. I only read the part of the book you underlined.

I'm fine. I'm fine. Did I get any calls while I was out?

- Nope. - Oh, good. I was hoping no girls would call me.

I was hoping I wouldn't get any calls at all.

That's good 'cause you didn't.

Terrific. I don't wanna go out tonight.

Just because it's Saturday night, why do

people feel they have to go out? You got dates?

No. Oh, good.

- What do you mean, good? - Well, I mean it's good we can be together.

I'm looking forward to spending an evening with my two best friends.

Aw, Jack. We'll have a great dinner. Then we can talk.

And maybe we can play a little Scrabble? And we could watch TV.

We'll have a great time.

I'll get it! No, it's for me!

Mine! Mine. Hey, baby, listen.

I got this great new JT album, and if you got a turntable, maybe we can get it on.

Oh, hello, Steve.

Ha, ha!

Oh, boy, what are you gonna do?

Me? Well, um, sure.

Hey, no problem. Yeah. All right. Don't worry about it.

See ya. Bye-bye. That was Steve from The Regal Beagle.

His car's broken down on the way back from San Diego,

and he wants me to tend bar for him for a few hours.

Hey, what about our talk?

What about our Scrabble? Aw.

And most of all, what about our dinner?

I can't let the two of you go hungry now, can I?

You'll take care of dinner for us before you go to the pub?

Sure. I'll leave the recipe for you in the kitchen.

Okay, say it.

Say it, Helen. Come on. Say I never take you anyplace.

You never take me anyplace.

You're gonna be sorry you said that.

We're going out. Put on your makeup.

I'm wearing makeup.

Oh, good. Good.

- Hey, wait a minute. Where are we going? - To the movies!

Oh, hey, terrific! To the movies!

What are we gonna see? A Frankenstein festival.

Frankenstein? Yeah.

It's all on one program. The Bride of Frankenstein,

The Ghost of Frankenstein and Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man.

No, thanks.

You go. They're your kind of people.

You don't wanna see Frankenstein and the Wolf Man?

Can't we see something more romantic?

No. Why not?

Because I don't have free passes for something romantic.

You don't have anything for something romantic.

You know... Listen, Helen.

Before we got married, a lot of women were

attracted to me, and plenty of 'em still are.

The only women interested in you are tenants with backed-up toilets.

Are you saying women are only interested in me for my plumbing?

Forget it, Stanley.

I'm not gonna forget it 'cause, frankly, you don't appreciate what you got in me.

Have you been drinking?

I'll tell you something else.

A lot of women would be after me if it wasn't for this wedding ring.

You have been drinking.

No, but maybe I should be. Wait a minute. Where are you going now?

- To The Regal Beagle. - Without a free pass?

"Without a free pass?"

I'll show you.

I dare you to stay home and say that.

Here you go, ladies. Two daquiris. Thanks, Jack.

Ick!

What's the matter? Too much tequila?

You're not supposed to put tequila in a daquiri.

Oh. Then it's definitely too much tequila. Look. I'm sorry, Joan.

I haven't got Steve's touch. I'm afraid you're gonna miss him.

Yeah, especially since I was supposed to have a date with him tonight.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Oh, me? Oh, you gotta be kidding. I couldn't date Steve's girl.

He's a close friend of mine. He's also very big and very strong.

No, Steve wouldn't mind, really. What do you say?

I'll fix you some fresh drinks.

I'd rather have a fresh you.

Excuse me.

Hi, Mr. Roper. What can I do for you?

What are you doing here? I'm picking up a little extra cash.

Steve's car broke down. He'll be along later.

Is something wrong?

It shows, huh?

You wanna talk about it?

Nah. Okay.

What's wrong with me? Huh? Nothing's wrong with you.

Why don't women find me attractive? You're attractive.

Sure, you'd think so,

but I'm talking about regular women.

Mr. Roper, why don't you cheer up, and, uh, have a daquiri on the house.

That's good.

You know, in all the years I've been married,

not one girl has ever looked at me.

Maybe it's because they know you're married. That's it.

It's the ring. I told Helen that, and then... and then... Oh!

Boy, you're really down, aren't you? Yeah.

I'd bet if they thought you were single, you

could have women eating out of your hand.

Yeah?

Jack, you know, I think you're right.

That girl over there just waved at me.

Oh, well, see?

Maybe I'll just mosey over there and... Uh, hold it.

Hold it a second. I got an idea.

Why don't I take this bottle of wine over to her and tell her it's from you?

Good thinking. Yeah.

Joanie, excuse me. Would you do me a favor?

That depends. What are you doing tomorrow night?

No, it... Excuse me.

See that guy over there? He's really down on himself.

He's got every right to be.

He's a nice enough guy. Would you just do me this favor?

Excuse me. Just be nice to him. Make him feel attractive.

Him? Give me one good reason why I should.

Uh, I could take you out tomorrow night.

You know something? He just became very good-looking.

Mr. Roper, you're in. She's waiting for you.

Remember, confidence.

Uh, uh, uh...

Hi, good-lookin'!

Hello, cutie.

Okay, "soak the brains and the sweetbreads...

in ice-cold water for 45 minutes."

Looks like Jack already did that.

Janet? Hmm?

What part of the body do brains come from?

The, uh, head part.

You mean these are brain brains?

Yeah. Blech! Ick!

Chrissy, you think maybe you could go for a hamburger at The Regal Beagle?

I thought you'd never ask. Okay, let's go.

Wonder who that is.

Oh, hi. Oh, hi, kids.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

No. We were just going out, that's all. Good.

Uh, Mrs. Roper, is there anything wrong?

Yeah. Stanley got mad at me.

I told him that he wasn't attractive to women,

and it really hurt his feelings.

I shouldn't have told him that.

Oh, Mrs. Roper, now, come on.

He's gonna know you didn't mean it.

Oh, I meant it. I just shouldn't have told him.

Why don't you take your mind off it and come with us to have a hamburger?

Oh, hey, that's a good idea! Good.

Where are you going? The Regal Beagle.

Oh! Oh, I can't.

Stanley's gone there.

Now, come on, Mrs. Roper.

Listen. I bet the one thing he wants right now more than anything...

is to see you.

Six plumbers were there before me...

Six professional plumbers...

And I was the only one able to figure it out.

You won't believe this.

They were using half-inch pipe.

No! Yeah.

I mean, with that kind of water pressure,

you need at least a three-quarter-inch pipe.

Believe me, after that, they looked at Stanley Roper with respect.

Well, of course they would. You betcha.

Hi, Chrissy. Hi, Janet. Hi.

Hi. Hi, Mrs. Rope... Wait!

Hey, Mrs. Roper, why don't you join me over here at the bar.

No, that's okay. We'll just sit over here. Oh, no!

This table... well, it's reserved. Reserved? Who for?

Huh? Huh? Oh, that's beautiful!

Poor Mrs. Roper. Well, why'd you have to bring her here?

I thought you were gonna stay home and eat that dinner I left for you.

Ew. No way. Besides, I never had sweetbreads before.

And I've never had brains.

Listen. I think you better go over there and tell Mr. Roper that his wife saw him.

You want me to tell that to a man with a heart condition?

I didn't know he had a heart condition.

He will when I tell him.

Mr. Roper has gotta know that his wife saw him. He's gotta be told.

I think you're right. Go ahead and tell him.

Us? Why don't you go tell him?

Because I have to stay here and mix a couple of drinks. For who?

For me. I wanna be ready when the screaming starts.

Listen, Jack... Come on, Janet.

We'll do it. We're not afraid, are we?

Yes.

Mr. Roper! Yeah?

Janet has something she wants to tell you.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no... Tell him, Janet.

Hi. Uh, Mr. Roper,

uh, could we talk to you for just a minute?

It's very... Would you move? Important.

You have to excuse me for being so popular. I'll be right back.

All right. What's so important? Tell him!

Um... Well,

your wife was just here, and she saw you.

I think you better tell him again. Yeah.

Mr. Roper, your wife was just in here, and she saw you with that girl.

Can you have a smiling heart attack?

Mr. Roper, I don't think... Tell me again about how she came in and saw me.

Yeah, yeah, she saw you, the kissing and everything.

Oh, that's good! That's very good!

Uh, listen, Joanie. There's something I want to tell you...

that I didn't tell you before.

But, uh, don't take it hard, huh, kid?

You mean you lied about your half-inch pipe?

No. I... I wouldn't lie about that.

What a relief.

There's no easy way to tell you, so I'll just come right out with it.

But you gotta promise me something... no tears.

Oh, I promise.

It's all over between us.

Over?

You promised no tears. Oh, I'm smiling. See?

Well, what I didn't tell you was, I'm a married man.

No kidding!

Aw, don't take it so hard.

You're young. I mean, there's lots more pebbles in the ocean.

Just... try to act as though I never existed.

I'll do my best.

I'll see you around, sweetheart.

- Good night, kids. - You two-timer.

Right!

Jack, after what I just went through,

that dinner better be good.

I got it fine. Thank you.

Isn't he cute?

He can make me do almost anything. Oh, get outta here.

Good night.

Why do you have to take her to dinner? You know what time it is?

It's time for The Regal Beagle sing-along! Jack, listen!

A free drink to the best voice. ♪ I've been working on the railroad ♪

♪ All the live-long day ♪ ♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo ♪

Stop it!

You don't like that song? I got another one.

♪ Alouette gentille Alouette, Alouette ♪ Okay, stop.

♪ Je te plumerai... ♪♪ Stop it. Stop it!

Janet. What?

I like that song.

Chrissy, don't you understand?

Jack is the one who got that girl together with Mr. Roper.

Aw, Jack. Did you?

The man came in here feeling depressed. He was really down.

He said he wasn't attractive to women, so I asked Joan to be nice to him.

- Well, that was very thoughtful of you. - I thought you'd understand.

Right. Now all you have to do is make Mrs. Roper understand. Come on.

Are you kidding? I can't leave my post. I promised Steve I'd stay...

Well, I finally made it. I'm sorry I took so long.

Oh, hi, Steve. Hi, girls.

Hi. Jack, thanks for covering for me, huh?

You can take off now. No, no. I'll stay and wash the glasses while you mix drinks.

Oh, look, Jack! What?

Get him, Chrissy!

They're very attached to me.

Hello, Helen.

Hello, Stanley.

How are ya?

Oh, fine. Just fine.

You are?

You better wash your face. You got some ketchup on it.

Ketchup? It's not ketchup! It's lipstick!

Lipstick, from kissing!

All right, it's lipstick from kissing.

You better wash it off.

Helen, I was down at The Beagle with a girl, a pretty girl!

And you saw me, and I know you saw me because the girls told me you saw me!

Oh, Stanley!

I saw you. I admit it.

And you knew I saw you, but that wasn't enough for you, was it?

No, you had to make me admit it out loud!

You had to rub my nose in it!

All right, you found a young, pretty girl? Go to her!

Helen, you don't understand.

I just wanted to prove that another woman would find me attractive, and I proved it.

All right, you proved it!

So go to her! I hope you'll be happy!

I don't wanna be happy! I wanna be with you.

Oh!

Oh! Where you going?

Anyplace you're not!

Mrs. Roper! Would you wait a minute, please!

Oh, my God, we're too late! She's done it! Oh, no!

- What's she talking about? - I think it's about that knife in your hand.

I was cutting some fruit.

Oh.

I thought it was Mr. Roper.

No, it was just an apple, but I like your idea better.

No, wait! Jack, tell her quick.

She's got a knife in her hand. Tell her!

Tell me? What? What? Mrs. Roper?

Uh, excuse me.

You know that girl you saw Mr. Roper with tonight?

Well, she was being nice to him because I asked her to.

What? Yes. See, I put her up to it. It's all my fault.

Oh, Jack!

Oh!

It's so good to be back in the driver's seat again.

Stanley.

I wanna talk to you.

Hold it. I'll do the talkin'. Sit down.

Look, Stan... Sit!

Yes, Stanley?

There's a few things I want to straighten out with you.

When I went down to The Beagle, I felt like a nothin',

but I learned something.

I learned that other women find me attractive, very attractive.

Maybe I shouldn't have been with her.

But what's a man to do when a beautiful girl climbs all over him?

Now I know what guys like Paul Newman have to put up with.

Paul Newman?

Yeah. Poor guy. He's got the same problem I have.

Well, all I can say is,

from now on, for your sake,

I'll just try not to be so... fascinating.

Stanley?

Would you like me to fix you...

a nice, hot cup of cocoa?

Yeah.

No.

Wait a minute. I'm going to bed.

Well, isn't it a little early?

Well, if, uh... If you care to join me...

Oh, Mr. Newman!

Oh, gee whiz, I'm so hungry.

I wish Jack weren't taking this bartending practicing so seriously.

He's been in that kitchen for hours, practicing making drinks.

He doesn't wanna make any mistakes the next time.

Yeah, but enough is enough. I'm really starving.

Hey, Jack! Jack, listen. Could you come out here for just a second?

You've been in that kitchen for hours. Haven't you learned anything yet?

Three's Company was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc., Los Angeles