Original subtitles

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

Oh, Stanley. What are you doing up?

It's 3:00 in the morning.

I can't sleep with all that racket.

What racket?

That pacing.

Oh, that.

Well, if that's all it takes to keep you awake,

I'll learn to walk on the ceiling.

I'm not gonna listen to that all night. I'm gonna do something.

Oh, Stanley. You can't stop people from pacing.

I mean, pacing is just something that people do.

It's normal. It's... It's human.

It's a... Well, it's a natural urge, like...

Oh, look who I'm talking to about natural urges.

Helen, you know, I married you for better or worse.

When's it gonna get better?

Go to bed, Stanley.

What are you doing? Oh, I'm gonna stay up and read for a while.

Oh, no. I want you to go to bed with me.

You do?

Yeah, I want you to talk to me. Talk?

Yeah, it always puts me right to sleep.

Oh.

Oh.

Jack. Jack.

- What is it? - A fine roommate you are.

How can you be sleeping at a time like this?

Oh, sorry. I must have dropped off when I went to bed.

Jack, Chrissy isn't home yet. Huh?

Chrissy isn't home.

Oh, that's a lovely idea, Janet, but I'm too tired.

No. You don't understand. All right. All right, Janet. What's the problem?

Number one, Chrissy went out with the girls from the office, and she isn't home yet.

So, what's number two?

What do you mean, "What's number two?"

Generally, when people say "number one," they follow it up with a number two.

So what's number two? There isn't any number two!

Don't you understand? Chrissy isn't home!

Come on, Jack.

What are we gonna do? I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

You'll go to bed, I'll go to bed,

and when Chrissy comes home, she'll go to bed.

Then we'll all be in bed together.

Separately together.

Oh, no, no. I'm too worried to sleep.

I'll just wait up. Okay. Good night.

- Good night. - By the way, what time is it?

Ten after 3:00.

Ten after 3:00? Ten after 3:00?

Chrissy's usually home by midnight when she has to go to work.

Why didn't you tell me it was 10 after 3:00? Okay, calm down, Janet.

Just calm down. Are you okay?

Listen, Jack. Listen. I'm really worried. Now, where can she be?

Wait a minute. There's gotta be a simple explanation.

- Like what? - Like, uh...

Like... Okay, like Chrissy goes with her girlfriends to this club.

There's a band, she meets some guy, she starts dancing.

Yeah. Then Chrissy forgets the time. You know Chrissy.

And suddenly she says, "Oh, my. Look at how late it is."

So she asks this guy to drive her home, and then, uh...

He's drunk, he hits a bus and they're all killed.

Where did you get he's drunk and he hits a bus?

Same place you got the band and the dancing.

Okay. There wasn't any dancing. There... There...

There weren't any guys. And they were drinking root beer from paper cups. Okay?

And then Chrissy notices the time, and all the girls get into a cab...

with a sober woman driver.

They drop Chrissy off first, and she's home safe and sound.

No, no. Then she should be home safe and sound right now.

Oh, my God! Something went wrong! I just know it!

We gotta call the cops. Do you have her parents number? Calm down. Jack!

No, wait. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm cool. I liked it better when I was hysterical.

- Chrissy! - You're safe!

Oh, honey, you're home.

Where have you been? Do you have any idea what time it is?

You should have been home hours ago. Well, I...

Haven't you ever heard of the telephone?

I hope you're satisfied coming in at this hour.

Janet and I were worried sick. You could have been raped or mugged or killed.

Don't you have any consideration for the... Stop it! Stop it!

One of the reasons I left home...

was 'cause no one thought I was old enough to take care of myself.

Well, let me tell you something. I am old enough.

And I really resent the two of you...

playing mother and father and treating me like a child.

Well, that's gratitude for you.

It's all your fault, Mother.

You should have been stricter with her.

Maybe we better go have a talk with her. No. Maybe you should wait here.

I got a feeling one parent is enough right now.

Oh, Chrissy, I'm sorry.

You've got every right in the world to be mad at us, but please don't cry.

I'm not crying about that.

Oh, good. Well, I mean, whatever it is, how bad can it be?

That bad, huh?

Oh, if this ever gets out...

If my mother ever finds out...

Oh! If my father ever finds out...

You think I'll ever find out?

Come on. Well,

I went with the girls from the office to this bar, the Funky Fox.

And... there was a band,

and there were a lot of guys, not many girls.

And the tables...

All the tables had these tablecloths with tartan designs all over them.

It reminded me so much of home...

because my father sent away to one of those firms that trace your family roots...

They do that for white people too, you know.

And they said that our ancestors were Scottish.

So we had to have everything in tartan.

Tartan tablecloths, tartan towels, tartan skirts.

I even had to wear... Chrissy, what happened?

Well, I met this guy.

He was really cute.

Good dancer. Very sincere.

- We talked for hours. - Wow. It sounds like you had a wonderful date.

He was a creep.

He had the cutest eyes, just like Robert Redford...

and a dog with black and brown spots.

- He had a dog in the club? - No, in his hometown of Pine Bluff, Arkansas.

Pine Bluff is the fourth-largest city in Arkansas.

Chrissy. He still has a cousin there named Paul.

Chrissy. Chrissy, why are you crying?

Well, I gave him my name and number,

and... and he asked me...

He asked me... He asked you out?

No. He asked me how much I...

How much I... How much you liked him?

No. Janet, he thought I was a hoo...

A hoo...

A hoo... hoo... hoo...

A hooker?

Oh, honey. What's going on in there?

Nothing. Oh, don't tell Jack. I'd just die.

- Oh, no, babe. No. - Is everything all right?

Yeah, great. Just great.

Oh, good. 'Cause I thought I heard some crying.

No. I was just laughing.

Everything's all right now, Jack.

Chrissy, where'd you go tonight?

She went to the Funky Fox. The Funky Fox?

You shouldn't go there. People will think you're a hooker.

You told him. Somebody took you for a hooker?

Oh, I feel so cheap.

Cheap? That's one thing those girls are not.

No, I heard about it from some guys.

Just because I was friendly, how could a guy think that I was...

a hoo... a hoo... Oh, Chrissy. Chrissy.

Chrissy, look on the bright side.

What bright side? Well, listen. The guy's got great taste.

He picked you over all the regulars.

Very funny, Jack. You're a very funny guy.

No. I was just trying to...

It is a super thrill living here with you...

because we know we can count on you.

When the going gets rough, you come up with dumb jokes.

Coming.

Hold your horses.

First it's pacers, now it's knockers.

You're getting a nice variety, Stanley.

Who is it?

Police Detective Lannigan, sir.

Detective? Show me your badge.

Do you know the difference between a real badge and a fake one?

No. Then you better let him in.

Come in, Officer.

Good evening. Good evening.

Oh. Sorry to bother you at this late hour.

Listen, I can explain about those parking tickets.

Parking tickets? I never even saw them. They must have fallen off the car.

Otherwise I would have paid for all five of them.

I'm not here about parking tickets. What parking tickets?

- I'm from the vice squad. - Oh, boy, are you in the wrong apartment.

I'm looking for a Miss Chrissy Snow, and I've traced her to these premises.

She lives upstairs. What would you want with Chrissy?

She's the sweetest little thing in the world.

Isn't she, Stanley? Yeah, she's very sweet.

What are you gonna arrest her for?

Look. Can you just tell me what apartment she's in?

I'll show you where it is.

Now that I think about it, there's some very strange goings-on up there.

Very strange. Like what?

Like, uh, pacing.

You know, we had a pacer back in my hometown. Very weird little guy.

Murdered a nun.

Oh, Jack. Listen, I'm sorry...

Where are you going? I thought I'd take a walk.

At this hour? Why don't you go to bed?

'Cause I hate myself. Can't you hate yourself in the morning?

No, you don't understand, do ya?

Chrissy needed comforting, and what did I do? I made her feel worse.

Who can that be?

Who is it? Open up, Jack.

Just what I need. Roper.

Oh. Uh, Miss Chrissy Snow, please.

Who are you?

Chrissy.

That's him! That's the creep that called me a hooker.

Are you sure this is the guy?

I can't believe it. Is it broken?

No, you just bruised the knuckles.

I don't mean my hand. I mean his face. How is he? Is he all right?

Just relax. Mr. and Mrs. Roper are taking care of him. Just relax.

"Just relax"? I hit a cop, and you tell me to just relax?

Come on. I don't think you could have hurt him very much. What? What? What?

Do you have a small Band-Aid?

Yeah, medicine chest, third shelf.

Thank you. See? All he needs is a small Band-Aid.

Oh, no, no, no. That's for Stanley.

He cut his finger on your ice cube tray.

Ice cubes? I'm on my way to the slammer, and your husband's mixing drinks?

No, the ice is for the ice pack for Officer Lannigan.

To stop the swelling.

Swelling? I gave the guy swelling?

This is great. Now tell me to relax. Relax.

Oh. Ooh.

Do you have any idea what the penalty is for hitting a cop?

- What? - How is he? How is he?

Oh, relax, Jack.

It's not that serious. Oh, good. Thank you, Mrs. Roper.

Anyway, we'll know better as soon as he's able to stand up by himself.

Did you hear that? I'm finished. I've had it.

One minute I'm sound asleep in my bed,

the next minute I'm a picture on the post office wall.

All right. Take it easy. Take it easy.

All right. Which one of you guys hit me?

He's still a little dazed.

Well, it... it was, uh, me, Officer. I'll... I'll go quietly.

Oh, I'm sure Jack didn't mean to hurt you.

He's not... He's not a violent person.

I would have warned you if he was.

Thank you, sir. We need more people like you.

You need him, you can have him.

Why'd you hit me, sir? That was a terrible thing to do.

I feel really badly that you did that to me.

Oh, God. I hurt his feelings too.

I just don't understand why.

W-Well, I can understand you not understanding,

but, you see, earlier tonight you made a very

offensive remark to my friend Chrissy here,

and that made me think that you weren't such a nice guy.

- I can understand that. - Oh, boy. I'm glad.

But I'd already figured out that I was mistaken about Chrissy.

That's why I'm here. To apologize.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

But then you hit me. Oh, well...

Officer, look. I'd like to apologize for hitting you. W-Why don't we shake?

Fair enough.

Well, that's settled.

Why don't we all have a drink?

- Come on, Stanley. - Uh, thank you, ma'am, but I can't drink on duty.

Ohh. You can have a cup of cocoa.

- Cocoa? - Yeah. For medicinal purposes.

Come on, Stanley.

- You're still on duty? - Yes, miss. I'm in the process of apprehending a felon.

Oh, well, listen, in that case, don't let us keep you.

Apprehending a felon. That sounds so exciting.

Yeah, who is it? You, sir.

Me, sir? Yes, sir.

- You assaulted a police officer. - But you shook hands.

You can't arrest someone when you shake hands. That's a rule.

It's like you can't take a giant step before you say, "Mother, may I?"

Uh, I'm afraid you're wrong, miss.

The rule is that if someone attacks a police officer,

that someone has got to be apprehended.

Oh. Uh, excuse me. I...

I feel a little woozy. I think I'd better sit down.

That's better. See, I didn't know you were a cop.

I thought you were a creep.

Let me get this straight. Your intent was to assault a creep?

That's right. That's a different matter altogether.

What we have here is a case of assault on a police officer...

with intent to punch a creep. Exactly.

However, according to the book, I still have to take you in.

What are you doing down there? Oh, I'm sorry.

Now, look, Officer, he didn't know that you were a cop.

That's right. You didn't identify yourself.

I'll have to think about that one.

What do you mean you have to think about that?

Janet. No.

Jack, who does he think he is? Let him think about that.

No. She's right. Who do you think you are?

Chrissy, he's thinking about that.

Hey. What right have you got anyway...

to be making lewd advances to my friend here?

Uh, look here, miss. Huh?

I'm a police officer, and I have the right to make lewd advances to anyone I like.

As long as I keep dirt off the streets.

Well, you didn't flash a badge or anything.

He flashed for Stanley.

Listen. I happen to know a thing or two about the law.

Yeah. She watches Police Woman every week.

I happen to know that what you did is illegal, buster.

It's called entrapment. And for that you deserve to have your lights punched out.

You'll have to excuse her, Officer. You'll have to excuse her.

She's, uh... She doesn't like heights.

No, wait a minute. She's right.

What kind of a police department are you running anyway?

The idea of propositioning young girls.

Encouraging sexual abandon.

I was not encouraging sex. I was trying to stop sex.

That's even worse.

I think you'd better come down to the station with me, sir.

I just thought of something. They're gonna kick me out of cooking school for this.

And I'm only halfway through puff pastry.

They won't let me finish the course. Nobody wants a chef with a felony on his record.

Okay, sir. Come on. Let's go. No. Wait, Officer.

Take it easy, Officer. Don't be so rough.

You gotta be very careful with his type.

- His type? - They're very emotional, that type.

- What type? - You know.

Not me. Him.

You're gay?

Not always. Sometimes I'm quite depressed.

Oh, boy.

This means I gotta tell my lieutenant I was knocked down by a homosexual.

Yes, and you have plenty of witnesses too.

Witnesses too.

What's that for? Aren't we going to be handcuffed together?

Look. Look here. I'm up for Detective of the Year award.

Does that mean you always get your man?

Yes.

No, no.

It's just that some of my superiors, who are

wonderful officers, might not understand.

Oh, don't you worry, Officer. We're gonna make sure that they understand.

I, uh, just might have been wrong about, uh...

Uh, yes. Here it is. You were right, miss.

The rule is you cannot arrest somebody after they shake hands.

I knew it!

You are a wonderful officer.

I, uh... I think I'll be going.

I'll show you the way.

Um, Miss Snow, could I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Excuse me.

What... What I wanted to say...

It's all right. Yeah? Okay.

You see, earlier this...

Look, I'm... I'm really sorry about what happened at the club, okay?

Oh. Hey, it's okay.

It is? Oh, that's swell.

Because all the time that I was talking to you down at the club,

I kept thinking, "Gee, it's too bad that this dame is a hooker."

I mean, she doesn't look like one. Oh. That's very sweet of you.

Can I make it up to you by taking you to dinner tomorrow night?

I know this great Italian restaurant.

Oh, I would love it. That sounds like fun.

Terrific. You're really a nice girl.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah. Well, uh, no hard feelings?

Hey, don't worry about it. I'll give you a lift home.

As long as you don't mind sitting in the backseat. You know.

No, thanks. I live here.

No. No. No, you... you don't live here. She lives here.

- You do live here, don't you? - Uh-huh. With him.

With him?

- And me. - Him and me?

No, no, no. Her and me and he.

Actually, it's her and her and him.

No, no, no. It's her and her and whatever.

The three of you live here together?

- That's right. - Right.

Look, uh,

on second thought, why don't we just forget about the Italian restaurant...

and have dinner at my place?

You know what I mean? Yeah. I know what you mean.

You're really some kind of guy, aren't you?

Yeah. When we met,

you thought I was a certain kind of person 'cause I was in a certain kind of place,

and then you thought I was another kind of

person because I was in another kind of place.

But when I met you, I thought you were a creep.

But when you didn't arrest my friend Jack, I thought you were a nice guy.

But you know what? What?

The creep just crept back. So why don't you keep on creeping out of here?

It was just a thought.

I mean, uh...

I'm not busy tomorrow night.

But I wouldn't go out with you anyway!

Oh.

Oh, Jack, I want to thank you for standing up for me.

You are my hero. Chrissy, for you, I would have punched out a squad car too.

Ooh. Mommy!

- I'll get the ice. - Actually, I think it could use some heat this time.

Would you rub right down those knuckles? Sure. How's that?

That's great. Except the pain's shooting up my arm. Oh, dear.

It's in the shoulder now. Right in there. Oh, no.

Uh-oh. It went over to this shoulder. But it's still in the other shoulder.

Now it's into the neck area. Poor thing. In the neck.

There's... There's some things in the earlobe. Earlobe.

Three's Company was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc., Los Angeles