Original subtitles

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪ ♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪ ♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪ ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪ ♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪ ♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous Three is company too ♪♪

How did we ever collect so much junk in the glove compartment of that old car?

Look at this stuff, Stanley.

Look, here's a melted plastic Cracker Jack prize,

a bunch of Disneyland tickets.

Oh. A couple of packages of petrified mustard.

Ew. Here's a... Here's a macaroon with penicillin growing on it.

Helen, I'm trying to concentrate here.

Hey, here's something you don't find in a glove compartment very often.

Oh, hey, 1961.

Hey, what's this, Stanley?

What? What? This, this, this.

Oh, a miniature golf card.

Boy, I really used to score pretty good in those days.

Well, times change.

Maybe I need a better course to play on.

Oh, hey, here's... here's a couple of ticket stubs to the West Covina drive-in.

Oh, I remember going there.

We saw John Wayne and Montgomery Clift in Red River.

Oh, yeah, I remember too.

I was so ashamed.

It was the first time you ever took me to a drive-in, and you fell asleep.

A lot of people fall asleep at the movies. While they're necking?

"Necking"? I wouldn't neck during a John Wayne picture.

It was a very good Western movie.

It was two men and a lot of bull.

Helen, I'm really gonna miss that old car.

Remember, it took us on our honeymoon.

How could I ever forget?

You cared more about that car than you did about me.

- Helen, don't be ridiculous. - It's true!

You fussed over that car for hours after we got to the motel.

- Well, I had to. It was overheated. - So was I.

I just hope our next car is as good.

I got a lot of service out of that old heap.

I wish I could say the same for you.

Hi, Mr. Roper. Is your wife in? Her mouth is.

- Jack. Hey. - Hi, Mrs. Roper.

I got you that fresh oregano to go with that veal recipe I gave you.

Oh, Jack, you're an angel!

Oh, hey, just one thing.

Do I bread the veal before I sauté it?

Oh, no. Just dredge it ever so lightly...

with a breath of double-sifted flour.

I just love listening to girl talk.

Yes, well, I better be going.

Say, I noticed you took that "for sale" sign off your car outside.

Yeah, I called a used car dealer, and he bought it over the phone, just like that.

Without ever seeing it first? Those pros know a good thing when they hear it.

You should've bought that car when I offered it to you a few weeks ago.

I couldn't afford $750.

Is that the price you're getting for it?

Well, almost.

What, 700? Almost.

Almost nothing, he means. He's getting 200.

Only 200? I'll see you later.

Don't forget to bring your knitting with you next time.

Stanley, you shouldn't say things like that to Jack.

- That was very sweet of him to bring me that oregano plant. - Yeah, I guess so.

You know, if I had a son, I'd want him to be just like Jack.

Are you crazy? You'd have to go around introducing him as "my son, the daughter."

Chrissy! Janet!

Chrissy, Janet, let's get the troops out here! Move it!

Gee whiz. Where's the fire? Where'd he go?

- In here! - Oh.

What's the panic? What do you want? $200.

You bought coffee again.

No, that's what Roper's asking for his car.

Janet, would you put that bag over there? Okay.

Chrissy, would you put that bag over there? Sure. Ooh.

Ha-ha. Nice try, Jack. Shucks.

You wanna buy Roper's car? No, I want us to buy Roper's car.

- It's a real steal. - Yeah, but where are we gonna get $200?

Look, you don't have $200,

you don't have $200, and I don't have $200,

but together we make a great act.

Understand?

You're gonna give him eggs instead of money?

He means that he wants us to go in together to buy Roper's car.

We really need a car. It's murder living in this town without wheels.

Yeah, really. Just to catch the bus around here, we gotta walk 10 blocks.

That's right! If we had a car, we could drive to the bus stop.

I could really use a car for shopping, you know.

My arms have stretched six inches carrying those bags.

If we had a car, we could drive to that neat Body Beautiful class in Sherman Oaks.

Yeah, I'd like that. It's only for women.

Yeah, I know.

Right now that car could be the greatest thing that's ever happened to us.

A real miracle, a gift from heaven.

- Yeah, but is it a good car? - Well, I wouldn't go that far.

When you borrowed the car that time, you said it was a lousy car.

Well, for $750 it is a lousy car.

But for 200 it gets better.

What about all those red patches of rust all over it?

Hey, if we leave them alone, they'll grow together and become all one color.

I never thought of that. Hey, what about insurance?

- We have to think about that too. - Oh, I've got an idea.

What? We could pay it off in easy monthly installments.

We have trouble paying the rent in easy monthly installments.

- Oh, you want a good idea. - Chrissy, Janet, look.

I'm surprised at you. Do you realize if

people waited until they could afford things,

it would destroy the entire economy of this country?

Oh, he's right. Let's do it.

Ooh. Okay, count me in.

Terrific. All for one and one for all!

Jack, are you sure we can manage this?

Everything will work out fine, trust me.

Aw, nuts.

I'm such an idiot.

Breakfast anyone?

What do you kids want with a 20-year-old clunker anyway?

Well, we're not gonna run it in the grand prix.

You'll be lucky if you can run it in the street.

It's okay, Mrs. Roper. We just need some wheels.

So does the car.

Helen, I'm trying to type the bill of sale.

What's happened to "U"? Nothing happened to me.

I don't mean Y-0-U "you." I mean "U" "U."

You still wanna buy a used car from this man?

The "U" on the typewriter, somebody stole it.

Oh!

Well, no use crying about it.

It's probably in Mexico with a new paint job by now.

That's very funny, Helen. Very funny.

How do I type "automobile" without a "U"?

C-A-R.

The missing "U" is an omen, Stanley.

You shouldn't have gone back on your word to Mr. Wagstaff.

- Wagstaff, the used car dealer? - Yeah. Stanley promised him he could buy the car.

Yeah. And how come he didn't shake hands on the deal?

Over the phone?

Stanley, you gave him your word.

You accepted his offer of $200.

She's right. I'm sorry, kids. I gave my word to Wagstaff.

Oh. Quick, how much money do you have?

Once I give my word, that's it.

Roper's word is Roper's bond. That's a rule I never break.

We'll give you $212.60.

Except when it's $212.60.

We got a car. Yeah! Look at this.

How about that? We got a car!

May I open the door for you, madam? Oh, thank you.

Madam, may I open the door for you?

Oh! We finally got a car.

Now we get to go to those places we've never

been before... the mountains, the Mojave Desert.

The gas station.

It just shows you what can happen when we all pull together.

Oh, with that car, you mean push together.

Just think, no more buses.

The first thing I've gotta do is take that car down for a lube job.

But right now let's plan how we're gonna use it. Okay.

This is what's gonna happen tomorrow morning.

Since my school is way downtown,

I will drive you, Janet, to your flower shop,

and then drop you, Chrissy, off in front of your office building in Westwood.

That's terrific. Then you, Jack, can pick up me, Chrissy, and her, Janet, after work.

But I get out of school way before you two quit work.

So, you'll come home, then come back and pick us up later.

How do I know what I'm gonna be doing later?

I know. You'll be picking us up.

I don't want to spend the rest of the day as a chauffeur.

But if you've got the car, then we'll have to take the bus home.

I got a better idea. I'll take the car.

I'll drop Janet off. Then you can come with me to Westwood...

and take the bus downtown.

That way Janet and I will have a ride home.

How do I get home?

You're welcome to come with us. Oh, good.

After you grab a bus back to Westwood.

Wait. That's not fair. I'll be bussing both ways while you two will be driving.

I have to go the farthest.

That's not our fault. We didn't pick your school.

I got a better idea. Why doesn't Chrissy drive

me downtown and take the bus back to Westwood?

- That way I'll have the car. - Hey, that's not bad,

because then you could bring the car back to Westwood...

and leave it with Chrissy to pick me up, and take a bus home.

That's a terrible idea. If I have to drive him all the way downtown,

I have to get up a half hour earlier.

Maybe I can drive Jack downtown. And leave the car with me?

Then how do I get back to Santa Monica? Jack can drive you back.

No, Jack cannot drive her back. Why not?

Because Jack just ran out of gas.

Gee whiz, what happened to all that "pulling together"?

Yeah, you're right.

We'll figure something out. I guess I was forgetting the principle of the thing.

You know, it's not your car, and it's not your car. It's our car.

You're absolutely right. I just thought of something.

What happens if one of us has an accident?

In my car? I mean...

I... You know...

Here, take the wheel.

You sold your car for $212.60?

Yeah, Wagstaff. You only offered me 200.

That's why I had to wheel and deal, right, Helen?

You're the wizard of Wall Street, Stanley.

It's too bad, Mr. Roper. I'd have gone higher.

Higher? You didn't tell me on the phone that you'd go higher.

I'm in the used car racket. I always leave a little room for haggling.

You didn't tell me that I had to haggle. What kind of a businessman are you?

Well, it seems a shame to let a gem like that go for a couple of hundred.

- A "gem"? - He's trying to make us feel bad.

- The car's really an old wreck. - Maybe so, but didn't you say it was a '57 Chevrolet?

Yeah. So? So 1957 was a very special year to car buffs.

That particular model is a classic.

A classic?

Yeah. You could've gotten $1200 for it.

Aah! Aah! $1200? $1200?

Careful, Stanley. They're bringing back the death penalty for murder.

Used car salesmen don't count!

And you offered me 200?

I told you I left room for haggling. Okay. Let's haggle.

- It's too late now. - Maybe it's not too late.

But, Stanley, the kids paid you the money! They own the car now.

But I never signed over the registration. You gave them your word.

I also gave my word to Wagstaff here.

So now you're going back on both words.

Wrong. I'm only going back on the second word, not the first.

I should've stuck with the first word in the first place.

The second word doesn't count, because the first word came first,

and that's why I'm going with the first word.

But you don't own the car anymore.

But I can get it back in two shakes.

Yeah. Two shakes of a rat's tail.

Helen, I'm doing this for you, my darling sweetheart.

Did he say that, or are you a ventriloquist?

Helen, think of all the lovely things I can buy for you with $1200.

Yeah. A new power drill.

Yeah, a new power drill.

Well, you like me to fix things around the house, don't you?

Yeah. I'd like you to start with your head.

Helen, I'm gonna get that car back! Look, Stanley,

you cheat those kids, and you're gonna regret it!

I'll... I'll... I'll withhold my favors.

Now I've gotta get that car back.

Look, I haven't got time for this.

Sit! Y... Mmm.

Stanley, I'd like to make a better deal just the same as you,

but we don't have to trick the kids.

I'm sure if you leveled with them,

they'd split the 1200 with us.

Split the 1200? Never!

If you don't promise to split with them,

I'll go up there and tell them they should keep the car...

and sell it for whatever they can get for it.

Wait a minute. I'll go up and tell them that I'll split with them.

You promise? I promise.

Thank you, Stanley.

But you gotta promise me something.

Yeah? What?

That you'll still withhold your favors.

I'm really getting the hang of sewing.

It's only taken me four weeks to hem these pants.

There we go.

Ta-da!

Oh, no.

Oh, don't worry, Chrissy.

They'll look just fine as long as you walk with one foot in the gutter.

Touchdown!

Oh, I'm sorry, Chrissy.

- Hi, team. - Hey, are you back from the garage already?

Yeah. I thought it took longer than that to have the oil changed.

Uh, the mechanic said not to change it.

Oh, good! I can hardly wait to drive up the coast tomorrow.

That was really a smart thing you did, making us buy that car.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Jack.

Uh... Wh... Why did the mechanic say not to change the oil in the car?

Uh, because of the transmission.

- What about the transmission? - The oil is the only thing holding it together.

That was really a dumb thing you did, making us buy that car.

- It's just one of those rotten breaks. - "Rotten brakes"?

Yeah, the car's got those too. Oh, gee! Oh!

Is there anything else wrong with it?

You mean, besides the shock absorbers and the water pump?

How much is it gonna cost to fix all this?

You don't wanna know, and I don't wanna tell you.

In the olden days, they used to chop off the

head of the bearer of bad news with an ax.

How much? $300.

Get the ax. I'm sorry.

Gee whiz, Jack! Where are we gonna get $300?

If we sold the car, we could get 200.

Listen, you, this is all your fault.

You told us we could handle that car. Don't blame me.

When I told you that, you should've understood something. What?

That I'm stupid, stupid, stupid! Don't stop me. Jack, please...

Who is stopping you? Harder, harder!

I thought women were supposed to be forgiving. I am forgiving.

I'm "for giving" you a good, swift kick... Hey!

Hello. Mr. Roper.

Nice to see ya.

Uh, I was just thinking about the car.

- It may not be as good as it looks. - Oh, it's as good as it looks.

- Yeah, but something could go wrong with it, like tomorrow. - Or even sooner.

Yeah. See? I wouldn't want that on my conscience.

- You trying to say something? - Yeah. I just spoke to Mrs. Roper,

and she finally agreed with me.

- Uh, I'm gonna make a split with you. - A "split"?

Yeah. I'll take the car back, and I'll give you back your money.

What?

I'll give you 50 bucks on top, just for your trouble.

$50? Okay, 75.

Is it a deal? Is it a deal? Is it a deal?

- It is not a deal. - Chrissy. Chrissy,

the nice man has just offered to take back his car!

It is not a deal.

Boy, Chrissy, you are tough.

Okay, $100, but that's my final offer.

- We'll take it! - We won't take it.

Could I see you two in the kitchen, please?

Certainly, certainly. Would you excuse us for a minute, Mr. Roper?

Don't leave. Here, read something.

Are you nuts? It's the answer to our prayers.

That is not true. Nobody prayed.

Okay, Chrissy. Okay.

We'll start now, okay? Please make Chrissy change her mind.

Or better yet, give her one.

It is not honest to sell him back his car without telling him what's wrong with it.

You don't think he knows? Do you think Mr. Roper...

would've sold us his car if he knew what was wrong with it?

Well, even so, we gotta be honest with him, or it's no deal.

Mr. Roper? Yes?

Before we let you buy your car back,

you ought to know that there are a lot of things wrong with it.

Really? Like what?

Tell him.

Well, uh, it needs brakes.

Okay.

And shocks. Okay.

And a new water pump. A few bucks, that's all.

That's it. No. Jack, you forgot something.

What? The transmission.

Well, is it a deal?

It's a deal.

Okay.

Here's your money, plus $100. Okay.

But do me a favor. Don't tell Mrs. Roper about the 100,

'cause she always thinks I'm much too generous.

If she says anything to you, just tell her that we made a very equitable split.

Whatever you say, Mr. Roper, and thanks.

You know, I... I misjudged you. You're really a pretty nice guy.

As a matter of fact, I'm beginning to like you.

Just watch it, will you, Jack?

Roper, I can't wait any longer. It's all right. I got the car back.

- Did you give the kids a fair deal? - We made a very equitable split.

Stanley, I'm proud of you.

Some days he's almost human.

All right, Roper. Here's my check for 1200.

- What? - $1200?

Wait a minute. You're not gonna do this to me twice.

This time we're gonna haggle.

It's not every day you come across a '57 Chevy.

- '57? That car's a '58. - '58?

Jack, Jack, sonny boy,

you don't know anything about cars.

I mean, to car buffs, a '57 Chevy is a classic.

Now, I remember buying that car in October, 1957.

It was one of the first new models that came out for 19...

'58.

Oh, my God. Bye-bye.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait. That car's gotta be worth something. Please!

- All right. I'll take a look at it. - It's right out front.

Look at the beautiful lines.

We can make a deal, can't we? Sure.

I can give you a good deal. You're a gentleman.

Give me 25 bucks, and I'll tow it away.

You're a bum!

Don't worry, Stanley. Somebody will buy the car from you.

You know what they say.

There's one born every minute.

You think so, Helen?

Sure, Stanley.

You're the living proof.

Well, I wasn't so stupid after all, was I?

Uhn...

Ooh!

Come on.

Ow! Ow!

Hello.

Oh, hi, Mr. Roper. What can we do for you?

Uh, remember yesterday when I was playing fair with you,

you took me for $100?

I was just wondering...

Mr. Roper, you don't have to say another word.

- We're gonna give your $100 back to you. - Oh, that's very nice.

Yeah. Give it to him, Chrissy.

"To my darling wife. From her loving husband, Stanley."

- What's this? - It's a coat Mrs. Roper's had her eye on for a long time.

So we took the money and bought it for you.

You can give it to her as a present. Won't that be nice?

It was a real bargain... 99 dollars and 99 cents.

But I don't want to give her a present. I want my $100.

You want us to tell Mrs. Roper about the equitable split that you didn't give us?

On second thought, maybe she deserves a present.

Aw!

Oh, one thing. Yes, Mr. Roper?

Just to wipe the slate clean,

you wanna give me the penny you owe me?

Three's Company was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc., Los Angeles