Original subtitles

[BEACH BOYS' "BE TRUE TO YOUR SCHOOL" PLAYING]

♪ When some loud braggart Tries to put me down ♪

♪ And says his school Is great ♪

♪ I tell him right away ♪

♪ "Now, what's The matter, buddy? ♪

♪ "Ain't you heard Of my school? ♪

♪ It's number one In the state" ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ So be true To your school now ♪

♪ Just like you would To your girl, all right ♪

♪ Be true to your school now ♪

♪ And let your colors fly ♪

♪ Be true to your school ♪

[WHISTLE BLOWS] ♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ I've got A letterman's sweater ♪

♪ With a letter in front ♪

♪ I got for football And track ♪

♪ I'm proud to wear it now ♪

♪ When I cruise around ♪

♪ The other parts of the town ♪

♪ I got a decal in back ♪

♪ So be true To your school now ♪

♪ Just like you would To your girl, all right ♪

♪ Be true to your school now ♪

♪ And let your colors fly ♪

♪ And be true to your school ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ On Friday we'll be jacked up For the football game ♪

♪ And I'll be ready to fight ♪

♪ We're gonna smash 'em now ♪

♪ My girl will be puttin' on Her pom-poms now ♪

♪ And she'll Be yellin' tonight ♪

♪ So be true To your school now ♪

♪ Just like you would To your girl, all right ♪

♪ Be true to your school now ♪

♪ And let your colors fly ♪

♪ Be true to your school ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Ra, ra, ra, ra ♪

♪ Sis, boom, ba ♪

♪ Ra, ra, ra, ra Sis, boom, ba ♪

♪ Ra, ra, ra, ra Sis, boom, ba ♪

♪ Ra, ra, ra, ra Sis, boom, ba ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

MAN: Speaking off the record

as your uncle's attorney and close friend,

I'm glad he's dead.

The will is a complex one.

In layman's terms, what this means is that you boys

are your Uncle Willard's sole heirs and beneficiary.

You will become the owners of the Grimm Mortuary

as soon as you have fulfilled the conditions of the will.

BOTH: What conditions?

That you graduate

from the Grimm Mortuary Academy,

the school your uncle founded when the mortuary was built.

I don't want to become a mortician.

I want to be a doctor!

[CHUCKLES] Max. Please.

So, uh, how much is this mortuary worth?

Something in excess

of $2 million.

What?! Wow!

Forget it. I won't become an embalmer for $10 million.

Max?

[CHUCKLES] I can understand that.

But there's nothing in the will about your becoming morticians.

Your uncle simply wanted to be certain

you would have an appreciation

of the business he was leaving you.

Okay. We'll do it.

We'll-- We'll think about it.

Max!

You have 24 hours.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Congratulations, Max!

Your letter from Africa,

Batonga University Admissions Department.

Yeah!

Man, you applied to a lot of colleges, didn't you?

Yeah, and they all turned me down.

This is my last hope.

What?

Shit! It's written in Batongan.

Let me take a peek at it. I know all that African stuff.

Yeah?

Oh, I'm sorry, Max.

What?

You didn't qualify.

Mr. Schuyler?

Could I possibly go home just a little early today?

[SNORTS]

There's a crisis,

and my brother's...

He's not coping too well.

Grimm, don't bust my balls.

I pay you eight hours, you're gonna work eight hours.

See that yuppie bastard in the Volvo?

With Ray-Bans and the Brooks Brothers shirt?

I want you to stick his ass in a BMW.

Capisci?

Hey, how much for that little turbo stud over there?

I don't know a heck of a lot

about these turbo studs.

Uh, Ferlinghetti discontinued it.

But basically, it's a bar mitzvah on wheels.

I know all about it.

Does this one have all the original sex toys?

Gosh, I think so.

It's not really a family car.

I'm not buying it for my wife, asshole.

Thank you.

Give me the keys and let me take it for a demo, huh?

The keys are in it.

[SPEAKS INAUDIBLY]

[ENGINE PURRING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Grimm, are you insane?

Put the yuppie in the Beamer, not the Reamer.

That car's a killer, no one drives it.

The sexual safety balloon is defective.

A short in the vibrator. It was going to the wrecker.

You see that Cadillac?

I drive that 'cause I got brains.

You drive that fucked-over VW

'cause your head's swollen with baby vomit.

Listen to me--

You listen to me, you toxic vagina.

If anything happens to that guy, it's my balls!

Geek.

[SIGHS]

Hey, Jose!

Hose B!

Go see Schuyler.

Checks came in early.

[LAUGHING EVILLY]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

SCHUYLER: Hey, you fat-ass schmuck!

Get the fuck outta here!

Come back here! I want you to see this car, goddamn it!

Max?

I'm home!

Max!

[CRASH]

Oh, no.

Not again.

Don't come in here!

Oh, Max.

MAX: Tammy wants to marry a doctor. not an embalmer, Sam.

Tammy!

We-- We were just talking about you.

Hi, Max.

I stopped by just to see

if you'd heard from medical school yet.

♪ I brought along The nurse's uniform ♪

Oh, yeah, Sam and I are going to mortuary school.

We've inherited a mortuary.

Isn't that great?

I'm afraid I can't see you anymore, Max.

Why? What do you mean?

I'd rather die than marry a gut plumber.

You may as well take back your nurse's uniform.

I had it dry-cleaned.

Maybe at the mortuary,

you'll find some other nurse to help you with your...

little problem.

What problem?

Let's just say that your brother has...

certain...inadequacies

that make a relationship with a girl like I impossible.

Bye, Max.

What was that about?

She's right. I've got a problem.

What problem?

Uh...with kissing.

Kissing?

Well...

First of all, Max,

there's no problem that money can't solve.

Tammy will break out the kneepads and mouthwash

when she finds out how rich you are.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪]

[SNORING]

MAN: By the way, Sam, Jerry Buss called.

He and Jack want to meet you

at Spago for dinner after the Lakers game tonight.

Maps to the stars' homes, $2.

Schuyler!

Is that you?

Schuyler! Hey!

Work with me.

Grimm? Sam Grimm? The mortuary king?

That's me, babe.

Oh, c-congratulations on your great success.

Thank you.

What happened to your legs?

I...I lost them in a poker game.

I'm blind too, you know,

and I have hemorrhoids the size of monkey heads.

Ah.

But how do you live?

I sell maps, turn tricks.

For 3 bucks, I can make a man feel real good.

Oh.

Come and work for me at the mansion.

I can always use a man with no legs.

Oh!

You're-- You're a saint.

[ATOMIZER SPRAYS]

[MOANS]

Put him in the trunk!

[LAUGHTER ECHOES]

I'd like to make a big deposit.

NURSES: Ooh!

Is all that money really yours?

Uh-huh.

And the nurses too?

That's right,

and it isn't easy keeping them all satisfied.

Well, what about your problem?

NURSES: What problem?

Listen, Max,

what do you say we go out right now

and get married?

Marriage is a disease.

NURSES: And we're the cure!

Tammy,

you had your chance.

Now eat your heart out.

Girls?

[NURSES LAUGH]

[SOBBING]

Come on, Max.

It's game time.

Forget it. I'm not going.

Max!

It's $2 million.

Frankly, Sam, I don't give a damn.

[PHONE RINGS]

Grimm Mortuary and Academy.

You kill 'em, we chill 'em.

Excuse me, we're Sam and Max Grimm, and we--

Listen, I've been waiting almost one hour.

Where the hell is Truscott?

I told you.

Dr. Truscott is in the embalming room

and cannot be disturbed.

This bill is eight-months overdue.

If I don't receive payment by next week,

he's gonna find himself without Lullaby Baby Caskets.

Got it?

Ah! Pinhead.

[LAUGHS]

We have an appointment with Dr. Truscott.

Oh!

Well,

have a seat.

I'll let him know you're here.

Thank you.

TRUSCOTT: What a tragedy that such a beautiful woman

should be struck down in her prime,

transformed into a cold, motionless object of desire.

But how fortunate

that I possess the sacred knowledge and the chemicals

that permit me to memorialize you,

to transform you and preserve you forever.

Those perfect breasts.

This mound of Venus.

These ruby lips.

This...mound of Venus.

Before I bestow my gift of eternal preservation,

let me endow you with another, more earthly, sensual pleasure.

SECRETARY [OVER INTERCOM]: Paging Dr. Truscott.

There are two gentlemen who say they have an appointment.

In a minute, Helen.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I hereby endow

into your sacred flesh--

Forget it, Paul.

[SIGHS]

The mood's broken.

I'm gonna have that intercom torn out.

It's worse than call-waiting.

You know, Paul,

most people like a little sexual motion--

No, no, no.

I find that very disorienting.

Can we...pick up after my interview?

Do I have to take another ice bath?

You know how much it means to me.

Oh...

Dr. Truscott will see you now.

Ah, the brothers Grimm, I presume.

Dr. Truscott.

Sam Grimm. How do you do?

Max.

Delighted.

Well, you boys bear a distressing resemblance

to my dear friend Willard Grimm, our late founder.

He was our uncle.

Oh, yes.

That would explain it. Of course.

And you were his nephews.

And now you want to carry on

in the family tradition.

How touching.

We're anxious to begin our studies.

Impetuous youth!

Surely you understand that we're in mid-semester.

Why, our students have already mastered

the basics of bereavement,

the essentials of embalming.

See? I told you. Come on, let's go.

Sit down, Max.

I don't mean to discourage you boys.

As nephews of Willard Grimm,

I'm naturally eager to offer you every opportunity.

You can start classes this afternoon if you wish.

But be prepared

to work hard,

harder than you've ever worked in your lives.

How do you do, boys?

May I introduce Miss Mary Purcell, my assistant.

Your uncle was a great man, and we shall miss him terribly.

Did you know our Uncle Willard well?

As well as anybody could know your uncle.

He was in our thoughts always.

Even when he was too ill to be here in person.

Well, class will be beginning soon. Ouch!

What is it, Miss Purcell?

It's these. My breasts.

They're so sore. They ache.

The nipples strain against the bodice.

I can't imagine why.

[LAUGHS]

Miss Purcell loves

to quote the classics.

Well, I'd better take you boys to class.

You don't want to be late

on your first day of school.

This way.

MAN: I don't know. You tell me.

[WOMAN SIGHS]

I told you I need a carton of cigarettes everyday,

and if I don't get a carton of cigarettes everyday,

I get very unhappy,

and when I get very unhappy,

I make those around me very unhappy.

Abbott, you're not in prison anymore.

Quiet, class.

We have a few announcements before we begin.

Class, I'd like to introduce two new students.

They're starting a little late, but we have high hopes for them.

Sam and Max Grimm.

[CLASS GROANING]

MAN: Great. Two more gut-plumbers.

Unfortunately, I have bad news for two other students.

Mr. Capshaw and Mr. Brody,

your tuition checks failed to clear at the bank this month.

You are therefore expelled from this academy,

effective immediately.

Kindly collect your things and leave at once.

Hey, you can't do that!

My tuition's paid for by the state.

Helen, would you show Mr. Brody to the street?

No!

No!

No, you can't do this to me!

I've heard enough from you.

[WHIMPERING]

Troublemaker!

Now, class, I thought it would be nice

if we introduced ourselves to the new students.

Mr. Dickson?

I'm Don Dickson.

Some of you may have seen my robot creations

at Animal World.

The boxing rabbits and the singing flamingos

are all designed and built by me.

I like the Beatles,

long walks on the beach at sunset,

and I have some ideas

that hopefully will revolutionize the industry.

Oh.

And I'm a Capricorn.

[CLASS APPLAUDS]

My name is Abbott Smith.

I'm on parole from Vacaville

where I did time for a triple homicide and some burglary.

I'm here on a rehab program.

I like to ski, play chess

and barbecue.

I'm also working on a novel.

Oh.

I'm a Sagittarius.

[CLASS APPLAUDS]

[♪]

I'm Valerie Levitt,

and my favorite band is Radio Werewolf.

I used to be president of their fan club.

I wanted to be a part of their band,

but they wouldn't let me.

So I decided that being a mortician

would be the next best thing.

Of course, I'm interested in the cosmetic end.

My favorite flavors

are chocolate, vanilla and strawberry.

And my favorite possession in the whole wide world

is my little dog,

Mouse.

And we're both Virgos.

[SPEAKING IN HEBREW]

Larry doesn't speak English,

but his family has given a great deal of money

to the academy,

so we have decided to waive

the English and sight requirements

in his case.

...Gemini.

[STUDENTS APPLAUD]

♪ James Dandridge is my name Jim Dandy for short ♪

♪ I'm the jack-of-all-trades The master of the mort ♪

♪ Entrepreneur by day Embalmer by night ♪

♪ Draining blood From dead bodies ♪

♪ Is my life ♪

♪ Well, somebody's Gotta do it ♪

♪ Might as well Be me ♪

♪ But I'll tell you One thing ♪

♪ It won't Be free ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm gonna start A chain of these ♪

♪ For that Special occasion ♪

♪ For every race, color, creed And sexual persuasion ♪

I'm a Leo.

[STUDENTS APPLAUD]

I think that's enough introductions for now.

I'm going to turn the class now over to--

SAM: Excuse me.

Max and I would just like to say

that we're very excited

about being here, right, Max?

[BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY]

Ever since Max and I were tiny little orphans,

we've had a dream.

When all the other kids were killing themselves playing war,

my brother Max and I were picking up

all the little dead bodies.

[SAM LAUGHS]

[SIGHS] Okay.

Is that it?

That's-- That's it.

Why don't you take your seats?

And I'll turn the class back

to Miss Purcell.

MAN: Uh, can I ask you to move there, please?

Today, class,

we're going to talk a little about

casket-side manner and body display.

Here's a hypothetical situation.

It's 100 degrees in the shade.

The air conditioning is on the blink.

But you've done your best

to fix the face of the poor bastard

who got hit in the head with a baseball bat,

but he still looks like the Phantom of the Opera,

and he stinks of the heat.

His girlfriend

files by.

And she faints--

[SIGHS]

What do you do?

Fuck her.

[ALL LAUGH]

You, Max, come here.

MAN: Do it, dude. Do it, dude.

Chicken.

[♪]

[CLEARS THROAT]

MAN: Go for it.

I don't know.

Mouth-to-mouth,

you stupid dick.

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

[SIGHS]

I can't.

I'm sorry, I've got this thing--

Hey, that's okay, Max.

It's okay.

Sit down. I'll take over.

So, little lady, what seems to be the problem?

How about a little mouth-to-mouth?

JAMES: Give it to her, baby.

[STUDENTS EXCLAIMING]

Yeah!

Uh-huh.

JAMES: Suck on it! Suck! Yes!

That-- That's enough.

[SIGHS]

Uh, you can take your seat now.

[SIGHS]

Um--

Whoo!

Well, now I'd like to talk about the special problems

that sometimes come up when displaying the body.

For example,

sometimes the loved one is decapitated.

[LAUGHS]

Sorry to bother you, Dr. Truscott,

but they're bringing in the Hollyhead girl.

Who?

You know, the cheerleader

who choked on popcorn at the drive-in.

Oh, yes.

Her boyfriend was with her

when it happened,

and he's waiting for you now in the chapel.

Thank you, Helen.

[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, my!

You must be Miss Hollyhead's boyfriend.

Randy Sampson.

I'm Paul Truscott, director of Grimm Mortuary.

What was Miss Hollyhead's first name?

Linda.

Linda.

Such a lovely name.

What a shame.

[SOBBING] I blame myself.

I bought her the popcorn.

She didn't even want any.

I killed her. Now, now.

All that's not going to bring Linda back, is it?

Try to pull yourself together, Randy.

There are just a few questions I need to ask you

about the loved one.

Yes, sir.

What was her religious affiliation?

Catholic.

Excellent.

And was she a native of Southern California?

Yes, she was.

And at the time of her death,

was she still a virgin?

Yeah!

Yeah.

[SNIFFLING]

It was her 17th birthday.

We were supposed to go all the way that night

after the movie.

[SNIFFLING]

If I hadn't bought that fucking popcorn...

[CRYING] Now, now.

Linda's with God now.

I'm sure she doesn't blame you for anything.

Try to pull yourself together.

Let's see if we can get through the rest of these questions.

What is her father's profession?

Insurance salesman.

And you did say she was a virgin?

Yes, sir.

And, uh, she was a junior in high school

at the time of her death?

Yes, sir.

And she was a virgin?

She hadn't yet been to bed with a man?

She hadn't had sexual intercourse

at the time of her death?

A lot of you have been asking when we would get the chance

to work on a real corpse.

Well, today's the day.

And you're particularly lucky, class,

because the corpse we're going to work on

is none other than...

BOTH: Uncle Willard!

...the founder of Grimm Mortuary.

It ain't appropriate to put nobody on display

with a wild-ass, fucking smile

like this old son of a bitch.

Hey, watch it! That's my uncle.

He's nobody's uncle now, pal.

He's just a piece of fucking dead meat.

Wonderful. Thank you.

PURCELL: Quiet.

I'll show you in a moment

how we'll wipe the smile off his face.

But first,

we have to drain him

with this.

[STUDENT GASPS]

Oh, my God! Holy shit.

After which, we'll pump his body full of embalming fluid.

I thought it would be a beautiful gesture

if we let one of the new students

for whom this corpse has special meaning

do the job.

Would you like to do the honors?

Ah! Ohhh!

Very sensitive.

ABBOTT: You pussies!

Give me that!

Oh, Abbott, why don't you do it?

[GASPS]

Yeah!

[SQUELCHING]

Yeah!

Very good, Abbott.

There is no room for cheap sentiment or weak stomachs

in the mortuary business.

Uh-uh.

[MAX VOMITING]

Max, are you all right?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Oh. I'll be okay.

Jesus, you know, I don't think I'll be able to handle this.

Oh. That's okay.

I'm sorry. That's okay.

I know it's a little rough.

But, Max, you gotta look at the big picture.

Two million dollars.

I know, but I just don't think I'm cut out for this.

Oh, sure you are.

[COUGHS & GROANS]

I'll buy you a little lunch.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Forget the dipstick, dipshit,

and serve the television dinners!

This is our meal ticket.

We got to ride this one into the beach.

But, Sam, we don't surf.

That Valerie is a luscious, fabulous woman,

and she's interested in you.

Don't bullshit me, Sam.

I'm not. I can tell by the way she looks at your lips.

Yeah, when I made fool of myself in front of the whole class?

Hey, your uncle must've really been something.

He took twice the normal amount of embalming fluid.

Oh, please.

Thank you.

Geek.

[RETCHING]

SAM: I always liked this place.

I love the people, I love the food.

Gosh, we are having the best day--

Shut up, Sam!

Gosh, I am so sorry.

How insensitive of me.

That's okay. She didn't mean anything by it.

JAMES: Hi.

Uh, can I talk to you boys for a second?

Certainly.

Now, look, I know you guys aren't here for your health.

See, I can tell that by the look

on this motherfucker.

BOTH: So where are you from?

JAMES: The way I'm seeing it,

you're probably gonna take over this place soon.

Pasadena. Garden Grove.

JAMES: You're gonna need

a right-hand man,

and I've got all kinds of ideas on how to run this place.

I don't think so.

Now, I could kick your slim ass.

Was that true about you and Radio Werewolf?

Why don't you two get acquainted,

and we'll be conferencing right over here.

Well, to tell you the truth, I've never heard them.

Really?

Well, they're gonna be in concert

this weekend at the Arena.

It's gonna be huge.

JAMES: That's why you need rubber gloves.

You can catch all kinds of diseases.

Would you like to go?

Yeah! Yeah, that'd be great.

Hey, terrific.

[LAUGHING]

Got it, you got it. Okay.

[MECHANICAL BUZZING]

Mmm. How are the Grimm brothers doing in their studies?

I don't think that the Grimm brothers

are cut out for the mortuary business.

You should've seen the older one freak

when I started to embalm his uncle.

I knew they wouldn't last

the minute they walked through the door.

There is something about the younger one, though.

Oh, really, Mary?

He is aggressive.

He's smart.

And sexy.

And really good-looking.

Oh, I don't find him attractive at all.

I just think that he's gonna excel in a number of areas.

Have you lost your mind?

Don't you know what happens

if they graduate from the Mortuary Academy?

Didn't you read that copy of Willard's will

I had stolen from his attorney's office?

Paul, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about sole ownership of the mortuary,

building and grounds.

I'm assuming his nephews get it all.

If they graduate.

Get the picture?

And if they fail?

Ownership reverts to present management.

In other words, me.

Or us.

If we become partners.

Oh, Paul, is that a proposal?

Not exactly. Keep on rubbing.

We'll see what happens.

Oh, Paul, I love you.

Let's do it. Let's do it in the garage.

Let's do it in the hearse.

Let's do it in the mud, and then we can--

[WHISPERING]

[LAUGHS]

That sounds lovely.

But there's some things

I have to take care of around here tonight.

SAM: Hey, Larry!

Time to eat!

This chili is really good, Abbott.

Really?

Won the blue ribbon five years running

at Vacaville.

VALERIE: Really?

[SPEAKING IN HEBREW]

Where did you get that, Larry?

Remember when you got lost at Macy's

and I had to buy this Porta-Potty?

No.

Yeah, I found you an hour later,

caught by the guards,

crying your little eyes out.

I don't remember.

[SPEAKS IN HEBREW]

He had to take a tinkle, Larry.

Oh, that's really cute.

How old were you?

Eighteen.

[LAUGHTER]

Guys like you used to get lost

in the joint all the time.

But they never got found.

[GUFFAWING]

Oh, poor Max.

[SPEAKS IN HEBREW]

DON: An enema, Larry?

What good would that do?

Hey, Larry, I didn't know you were into water and power.

Max?

Hey, Sam,

what's all this food?

MAX: Don't come in here.

Sam, is that Max?

Uh...

[LAUGHS]

Oh, that's a kidder.

He's done this for-- VALERIE: Max!

Max, stop fooling around.

No.

Max, you're ruining the tapioca.

Just leave me alone.

Let me go quietly to sleep

and freeze to death.

Max!

Uh, why don't you get him out of here

and I'll go get a blanket?

[LAUGHS]

Max, does the light really go off

when you close the door?

[LAUGHS]

Max.

I understand.

We all need somebody to love.

Like, I-- I have this little dog, Max.

Oh.

No, really, Max.

He's-- He's the sweetest little thing.

He's so tiny.

Except, every week, I have to hide him

because my mother has all these fat women over

for diet seminars.

Oh, I love him so.

And you're gonna love him too, Max.

Uh, I don't need a dog.

I need a-- I need a girl to love me.

Oh, but I guess that'll never happen.

[BELL TOLLS]

[WATER DRIPPING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Linda, it's Paul Truscott.

Would you come out for a moment?

I'd like to talk to you, if I may.

Mmm.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

What? Behind my back?

See if you can guess.

[LAUGHS]

Clever girl, how did you know?

For you.

Yes, they're my favorite too.

I spoke with Randy today.

Such a sweet boy, but not right for you.

Somehow, I see you with someone older,

someone who could appreciate your subtleties.

My beard? Do you like it?

I've always worn it.

Some women tell me it tickles when I--

[CHUCKLES]

You know.

Let me be frank.

I find you very attractive,

but I'm not interested in any fly-by-night, casual romance.

I've had my heart broken too many times.

What?

[WHISPERS] What?

Oh, darling, nothing would give me more pleasure.

It's what I long for.

But I don't think we should, not on our first date.

I'd better go now, before we do something we both regret.

[LARRY SPEAKING HEBREW]

[SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Larry! Larry, you've got to learn to concentrate.

MAN: Whoa!

[PROPELLERS BUZZING]

Now, the most important thing in dumping ashes

is to do it in one swift, decisive gesture.

Here, Max. You do the honors.

Uh, I feel sick. Could somebody else please do it?

Max, we're flying over Santa Anita at 3000 feet.

Just dump the fucking ashes.

Oh! Oh, no, no!

[SCREAMING]

[LARRY SPEAKING HEBREW]

ALL: Larry!

Get off me, you squid.

The drill's over. That's it. Kill the fans.

Max.

You owe the academy $50 for that urn,

$100 for my dress,

in addition to a $25 shampoo

to get the loved one out of my hair.

That's $175, Max.

PURCELL: Now, cremation is a real art form.

It's also a great way to make a quick buck.

How long has it been in?

I think it should be done by now.

Just leave it in.

No, no. Leave it in any longer, and it'll be ruined.

We might as well see if it's ready.

Valerie, be careful.

VALERIE: Ow! It's too hot.

Abbott.

You pussies.

[STEAM HISSING]

[SCREAMING]

Oh, damn, man. That's what I call finger-lickin' good.

[SIZZLING]

You'll learn more about the mortuary business

in the next five days

than you ever thought possible.

We are going to reveal to you

professional secrets of Grimm Mortuary

that are worth hundreds of dollars on the black market.

And if any of you ever reveal them,

we will track you down and kill you.

Fuckin' A!

Miss Purcell?

Will any of these activities

bring us into conflict with the police?

The only thing you have to worry about, Mr. Dickson,

is direct conflict with me.

Get down, bitch.

All right, all of you,

get in the wagons.

[♪]

[MAN SPEAKING OVER POLICE RADIO]

A traffic accident. Sixteen hundred East--

PURCELL: A police radio is indispensable in mortuary work.

[WOMAN SPEAKING OVER POLICE RADIO]

WOMAN 2: Multiple collision on Sunset Boulevard, westbound.

Bodies in roadway. Proceed. Code 3.

PURCELL: Dickson, floor it.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

DICKSON: I-is this gonna be gory, Miss Purcell?

PURCELL: I can't promise anything. All I can do is hope.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Great! We're the first ones here.

Oh, shit! It's just like Platoon.

I haven't seen this much blood

since Jimmy Hawks asked me to be his cellblock bride.

Oh, my God! This is gross.

I feel sick.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Don't worry, Larry.

You'll get a chance to use the bathroom later.

Get tags on these bodies as quick as you can.

PURCELL: Go ahead.

JAMES: Oh, man! He ain't got no dick.

MAN: Hey, hey!

What the hell is going on around here?

Oh, hi, Anthony. A little late, aren't you?

Don't be such a fucking hog, Mary.

There's more than enough bodies to go around here.

Tony, Tony.

We got here first.

To the victors belong the spoils.

DON: Smoking does kill.

Well, I'm taking that one.

The fuck you are.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[ALL SHOUTING IN JAPANESE]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

PURCELL: Tag all those bodies.

Come on!

MAN: Get your hands off my stiff!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Grimm team,

load up the meat!

MAN 2: Get your hands off their legs!

[SIRENS WAILING]

Well, class.

All in all, you seem to have survived blitz week

in pretty good shape,

and I'm very proud of you.

But it is not over yet.

[ALL GROAN] Quiet.

Put your books away and prepare for a pop oral.

I got your pop oral right here.

[LAUGHTER]

Are we being graded on this?

Yes, we are being graded on this.

It is probably the single most important exam of the term.

But, Miss Purcell--

PURCELL: Silence!

Will there be questions on cosmetology?

That is my very first question.

What is the red substance

we put on the loved one's lips

in order to improve his appearance in the casket?

Oh, God. I know this.

It comes in a tube. We use it in everyday life.

Put it on the lips.

Oh. It's lip...

Um...

No helping, Mr. Grimm.

It's lip something.

I-I just can't think of the word.

That's close enough. It's lipstick.

Oh, wow. You've passed the test.

Sam.

Your turn next.

I've got this one waxed.

In the 16th century, in some European countries,

it was against religious custom

to give funeral rites to the practitioners

of certain occupations.

I want you

to name three of those occupations

and cite specific names and dates.

Uh...

MAN: That wasn't in the book.

Street sweepers.

Wrong.

Winemakers. Wrong.

Devil-worshipers.

Wrong.

Actors, Mr. Grimm, people of the theater,

is the correct answer.

What were the other two?

There weren't any others.

It was a trick question.

[ALL MURMURING]

PURCELL: Dickson.

What do we call the place

where the bodies are put to final rest,

and I'm gonna give you a hint.

It often has stones and markers

indicating locations of graves and the names of the deceased.

Cemetery?

Wonderful.

At least some of us have been doing our homework.

Max Grimm.

What is the chemical composition of formaldehyde?

And at what temperature does it vaporize?

MAX: Uh...

Two-C-H...

three-O-H...

plus-O--

Wrong.

Miss Purcell, I think Max was right.

CLASS: Yeah.

Well, then, in which hand do I hold the eraser?

How the hell should I know?

The left one. Wrong. I don't have an eraser.

You've failed the test.

[ALL MURMUR]

[SIREN BLARING]

Emergency! Emergency!

Emergency! Emergency!

Helen, Helen, Helen.

I'm sorry to interrupt, Miss Purcell,

but there's an urgent message for Miss Valerie.

Oh, that's all right. I've finished anyway.

Class is dismissed. What is it?

You're wanted at home right away.

I hope it's nothing serious.

The test results will be posted at 5:00.

Mary! Paul.

Mary, where's the Levenstein body?

What did you do with it?

I gave it to Abbott for his cremation project.

The ashes will be ready in five days.

You've gotta stop him.

The Levensteins have changed their mind.

Now they want an open-casket ceremony.

Open-casket?

You told me I could roast him.

Now, Abbott, calm down. There's been a change of plans.

We need him dressed and ready for an open-casket ceremony

in a couple of hours.

Snap to it.

Fuck.

I already sold the legs to UCBS Medical Center.

[SPEAKING HEBREW]

Chicken legs?

Larry, if they were going to execute you for having a brain,

they'd be hanging an innocent man!

Chicken legs?! What are you, a fucking alien?

Where's that foot?

I wonder what happened to Valerie.

She's been gone an awful long time.

I hope she's okay.

We're supposed to go to that concert tonight.

Thanks for reminding me. I still don't have a date.

Well, look who's here.

Valerie!

What happened? Are you okay?

Is your mom okay?

My mom's okay.

Except for the bloodstain on her dress.

What?

She, uh...

She...

She sat on Mouse.

ABBOTT: Ha! Frisbee dog!

The poor little guy.

ABBOTT: Valerie...

He's up there pissing on that big fire hydrant in the sky.

[SOBS]

[ABBOTT GUFFAWING]

He looks, uh...

uh...

peaceful.

At least he didn't suffer.

Well, that all depends on whether or not

your momma got a big ass!

Hey, hey, Dickson,

wasn't your specialty dogs at Animal World?

Do you think you could, uh...?

Yeah. But I need a place to do it.

I-I need-- I need equipment, supplies.

Do you think somebody could sneak us

into one of them mortuary workrooms?

Sam, you can do that.

Sure, babe.

DICKSON: Valerie.

Can I borrow Mouse tonight?

I promise not to hurt him.

How you going to hurt the damn dog? He's already dead.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

Max, just throw it. Throw it.

Come on, throw it at-- Max.

Max, just--

TRUSCOTT: "It is therefore with appreciation

"that I accept your kind invitation

"to the Mortuary Science Symposium in the Virgin Islands.

I am hoping accommodations may be available for my..."

Uh... Come on, Max.

"Fiancée."

Come on, Maxie.

Oh, dear. I'll give you the rest of this later, Helen.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Shall I call the police?

Heavens, no. I can handle the O'Rourke brothers.

Let them in, Helen.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Mick, Sean, how nice to see you.

Cut the bullshit, Truscott. You know why we're here.

Where's our coffin?

Uh, refresh my memory. Which coffin is that?

BOTH: The mother-of-pearl inlaid,

silk-lined, triple-reinforced,

fumed-oak, super-deluxe O'Rourke special edition!

Prickhead!

MICK: Dickface!

Valued at $15,000 wholesale,

which you've had on consignment for the last 18 months!

Oh, that coffin. Did you boys want it back?

We happen to know you sold it

two days ago.

For $20,000. We want our money now, butt-head!

That's absurd.

Why, I hadn't heard from you boys in so long--

Somebody told me you were both in prison.

--that I sold that casket for peanuts to some charity case.

You call Sam Levenstein a charity case?

Where did you get that name? We have our sources, shithead.

He's richer than God. Give us the money,

or we'll take the coffin with us right now!

I'll have a check drawn to you first thing next--

Tomorrow morning. Nice try, Truscott.

Okay, Sean, the tight bastard ain't comin' across.

Let's go get what's ours.

Now, wait a minute, boys.

Hey!

Mick! Sean!

Come on, guys, be reasonable.

I said I'd give you a check.

I'm willing to give you a check. Speak to me.

What, don't you want a check?

Wait, stop. You can't go in there.

TRUSCOTT: That's the viewing room.

Charity case, my ass! That's the special edition, all right.

WOMAN: Oh! Oh!

Oh! [SQUELCHING]

Hey, lady, your dearly departed's

gonna leak like a cheap prophylactic.

Mr. Truscott!

BOTH: Happy trails, doctor!

I demand an explanation.

My dear Mrs. Levenstein,

I discovered only moments ago that this casket was defective.

You can see for yourself

what the caustic chemicals and lining have done

to your dear loved one's body.

Thank God we caught it before the damage got any worse.

This is absolutely outrageous!

Naturally, I demanded that the manufacturers

take back the casket immediately.

I apologize for any inconvenience or embarrassment

you may have suffered.

I-- I don't know what to say.

We'll have your loved one tucked away

in one of our elegant postmodern all-pine numbers in a moment.

But first I do have to speak to you

about the additional costs.

Oh! Ohhh!

Ohhh...

[THUD]

Watch it. You're gonna hit the fat boys.

Hey, Max, throw it in here. Throw it in here.

Come on, hit the fat dorks.

Paul.

The O'Rourke brothers have taken away the special-edition casket.

Please, Mary, I don't want to talk about it.

But didn't you just sell that casket to the Levensteins

for $30,000?

Frankly, Mary, I don't remember what the Levensteins paid.

But it certainly wasn't that casket,

and it wasn't $30,000.

Now, what about the Grimm boys?

Have you flunked them out yet?

Soon, Paul. Soon.

The sooner, the better, Mary.

For the good of everyone involved.

Now, if you'd excuse me...

[♪]

[OPENS DRAWER]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Helen?

HELEN: Grimm Mortuary and Academy.

You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.

I have something personal to ask you.

One moment, please.

If it's about my period, I haven't had one for 50 years.

Not that personal.

Listen, Helen...

has Dr. Truscott been getting any funny calls?

No.

Just the usual creditors.

You know, threatening his life.

No, I mean female calls. Ladies.

Girls.

Why, no, Mary.

And I certainly would have remembered if he did

because I haven't had my period for--

That's enough. Honestly.

Oh, Mary.

Back when I was still having my period,

I found out that the best way to keep a man interested

is to play the field a little.

You know, like, diddle around.

You mean, fuck around?

Hi, Sam.

Oh!

Oh, hello, Miss Purcell.

What did I do wrong now?

[LAUGHS]

You don't have to be in trouble to get my attention.

So, what's wrong with your car?

Oh, you're in a cheerful mood.

Got another pop oral for me?

Oh, Sam, I know that seems terribly unfair.

But we do have to think of the good of the school.

Maintaining high standards and all.

Oh, right.

Hey, I don't want you to think

that I have anything against you personally.

It's quite the opposite.

Are you saying you find me attractive?

Yes.

You're intelligent and hard-working

and serious...

and absolutely attractive.

Attractive? Me?

Yes, you.

What are you doing tonight?

I got a couple of tickets to see Radio Werewolf.

Oh, Radio Werewolf! Wow, they're my favorite band.

But I suppose you already have a date.

No, as a matter of fact, I don't.

Would you like to be my date, Miss Purcell?

Would you call me Mary?

And I'd be delighted.

And let's take my car, because it works.

[♪]

A glass of champagne, my dear?

You do like champagne, don't you?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

You know, everything smells like formaldehyde to me lately.

Oh. Don't you like formaldehyde?

What a pity. Well, you're very young still.

A toast.

To my new handsome friend.

You know, you look pretty swell in that dress.

So thoughtful of Randy to drop it off.

So, what would you like to do tonight?

Movies?

Dinner? Hmm?

I'm really looking forward to this concert.

And maybe afterwards...

I might have a little surprise for you.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

Wow, your date's really trashed, isn't she?

Didn't eat her fries or anything.

I guess her eyes are a little larger than her stomach.

She looks like a girl I used to know in high school.

Weird. Did you know a girl named Linda Hollyhead?

The worst thing happened. She was eating popcorn--

We're visiting from Europe,

and we have to be in Las Vegas in an hour.

How much do I owe you?

Four dollars for the hamburgers and 75 cents for--

This ought to cover it. Keep the change.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[CRASH]

VALERIE: I'm so nervous.

Don't you think that this should be over by now?

Dickson's a perfectionist.

He's using all his skills on Mouse.

I should have never left Mouse unattended

with all those fat women at diet seminars.

Oh, that dog was a champ.

Is everything all right?

He's doing fine. He's doing great.

Ohh. There's just one question.

We gotta figure out which one of these

sounds most like his voice.

Okay, are you listening?

[DOG BARKING VICIOUSLY]

All right.

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETING]

And the last one now.

[MONKEY SQUEALING, COW MOOING]

I love the last one,

but I really think the first one sounds more like Mouse.

Wait a minute. What about "Hee-haw"?

[♪]

That was such a great concert.

I'm a total Radio Werewolf freak now.

What the fuck are we doing here?

Oh, I've got to check up on someone-- Something.

It's only gonna take a minute.

Why don't you come with me?

It's a little spooky here at night.

I think it's romantic.

That son of a bitch!

Is there anything wrong?

Nothing.

Nothing that an hour or so

with a nice, healthy young man like you

isn't going to make right.

[♪]

MAN: Hey. We're all out of pâté.

And I'm getting horny.

Well, whose idea was it anyway

not to bring along anyone of the female persuasion?

Yeah, we need a little yin with our yang.

Well, I'm going on a little reconnaissance mission.

You never know what you'll find lying around on the beach.

[♪]

Valerie, don't you think you've had enough?

I just can't take it anymore, Max.

I know. I remember when Uncle Willard--

Oh, screw Uncle Willard, Max!

Mouse is dead!

Valerie. Jim, Jim, is he okay?

Girl, we ain't got no tab on him right now.

Just answer this question: Did Mouse ever wag his tail?

Why? Is there something wrong with Mouse's tail?

Dickson is in there working on it right now.

When did Mouse wag his tail?

Uh...when he was hungry. Uh-huh.

When he was happy. Uh-huh.

When he had to go to the bathroom.

Practically all the time.

Good. You can have him.

Wait, please!

Can we see him? Not now.

Val, let's just get moving.

No, Max! I've gotta see him!

[MACHINERY WHIRRS]

Mouse! Mouse, what have they done to you?

Valerie, no. It's too early.

You don't wanna see him in this state.

Oh, but I just want to see his tiny little face,

just for a minute.

Please.

All right. But just for a moment.

And don't try to talk to him.

He won't know you.

Talk to him?

Why, yes.

Once the heat sensors are in,

you'll be amazed at what he can do.

Ohh! [WHINES MECHANICALLY]

No!

[♪]

Linda.

Linda?

Linda?

Linda!

She's...dead.

MAN: Who's dead?

What are you talking about?

Look for yourself.

Probably fucked her to death.

Oh, my God. Should we call the police?

Not if we don't want to lose our jobs

at Balcerowicz, Teller, Niebaum, Tomosaka and Klein.

Just leave her here. People will think she drowned.

Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm looking for my fiancée.

She seems to have gotten lost last night.

What did she look like?

She's about 5'2",

brown hair, brown eyes.

Haven't seen her.

No.

Why, there she is.

In your sleeping bag.

Oh, that girl. Why didn't you say something?

Found her here last night.

She's very cold and exhausted.

That's right. We were just trying to keep her warm.

She's a real party animal.

Shut up, will you?

Look, mister, we gotta get going.

She's still sleeping it off. We don't want to impose.

Bye. She can keep the sleeping bag.

I'm so glad you're safe.

I was terribly worried.

We'll overlook whatever happened between you and those young men.

I know you could never feel anything for them.

Come on, darling. Let's go home.

I'll never forget this night,

but now we have decisions to make,

a future to plan.

[ENGINE STARTS]

See? I told you I could fix it.

The carburetor is a delicate piece of machinery.

Eh, it's not so delicate.

Just needs a little diddling with.

You certainly have a point there.

So you're not mad at me anymore, are you?

No, I'm not mad at you.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, my darling.

There'll be plenty of time for foreplay

when we're on our honeymoon.

I want you to lie perfectly still.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Open up!

Damn! I'm gonna call the police.

That won't be necessary, Mary. It's only me.

I got here a little early.

What were you doing in here?

Just cleaning up. Checking the bodies.

Why was the door locked?

Habit, I guess.

Isn't the Hollyhead girl a little overdue for burial?

Her parents can't quite bring themselves

to make the final arrangements.

Hmm. They'd better hurry up. She's not getting any fresher.

Wasn't that the Grimm boy I saw driving away as I arrived?

How should I know?

Perhaps he just came to say a last goodbye to the old place.

Has Helen sent them notice of their failure and expulsion yet?

I don't think so.

Well, as soon as she does,

the sooner you and I become partners.

I hope I'm making myself perfectly clear.

Paul, can we talk about--?

If you'll excuse me, Mary,

I have a number of things to attend to.

[SCOFFS]

DICKSON: Go ahead, try it, Valerie.

VALERIE: Sit, Mouse. Beg.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I gotta work on that.

Wag your tail, Mouse.

Try patting him.

I've been having trouble with the tail.

Go ahead, go ahead. It's okay.

[BARKS] Oh!

What, he's gonna bite you?

DON: I'll work out the kinks later tonight.

By the time I'm through with him,

he'll be fetchin' the morning paper.

Dickson, show her that little thing that you were showing me.

What? Oh.

Valerie, clap your hands twice right by his left ear.

[ALL LAUGHING]

May I inquire the meaning of this brouhaha?

My dog Mouse died, Dr. Truscott,

and Dickson fixed him up for me.

Yes, sir.

Your dog? Yeah.

May I remind you students that this is a mortuary academy?

We deal in the art of embalming loved ones,

not stuffing and animating vulgar house pets.

Now, you just hold on, you bald-headed test-tube--

Am I to understand that this desecration took place

on mortuary property, using mortuary equipment?

Wasting mortuary material?

Please. It was the only way.

I detect the delinquent hands

of the brothers Grimm in this fiasco.

That's right, Dr. Truscott.

It was our idea. We'll take full responsibility.

SAM: Max, Max.

We figured it was okay,

since we were gonna, you know,

end up owning this place sooner or later.

Well, you have another thing coming.

You're expelled, the two of you.

Get out! Get your things and get out!

ALL: What?!

Sam and Max wasn't even here.

I did all the work.

They only did it for me.

Hey, chief. Back off!

You're expelled too, you pathetic recidivist.

All of you, get out.

Out of my sight!

Your careers are with your diplomas:

in the crematorium oven.

I don't expect to see any of you around here again.

And if I do, you'll all be arrested for trespassing!

Good day!

More come in every day,

but none of them ever seem to get paid.

Well, how long has this been going on?

I don't know. Months.

There's no reason for this.

The mortuary's been in the black ever since I've worked here.

Where's Dr. Truscott?

HELEN: In his office, I think.

Tuesday at 11:45 a.m.

What day does it arrive in the Virgin Islands?

Not until Sunday?

I guess that'll have to be all right.

I'd like to book one first-class cabin to Saint Thomas.

Now I wonder if you have

refrigeration facilities on your ship?

You do?

In the cargo hold?

I see.

My fiancée has a very rare medical condition.

She requires extremely low temperatures at all times.

I trust that won't be a problem.

All right, I'll be down to pick up the ticket this afternoon.

No.

Just one-way.

I won't be returning ever.

[♪]

Oh, miss. Yes?

Excuse me. Mm-hmm.

I'm looking for a traveling ensemble for my fiancée.

Why, certainly, sir.

Would you like something for a cold or a warm climate?

Warm, but she'll want to cover up.

I need something with a high neck

and a floor-length skirt,

and...do you have any parkas with Odor-Eaters in them?

I beg your pardon?

Odor-Eaters.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

The most horrible thing's just happened!

It's on TV!

Come on!

The enormously popular group the Radio Werewolf

was apparently taking joy rides in a stolen 'Baker.

We're going to Christie Doll on the scene.

They came from a white Transylvania ghetto,

and they died on this Beverly Hills boulevard

far from home.

The irony of this would not have been lost

on these acerbic youths whose name, Radio Werewolf,

summed up an era in popular music.

Smothered by a breast-shaped balloon meant to protect them,

they died quickly but prematurely.

Let's talk to a fan.

WOMAN: They're not dead.

They've pulled this shit before.

Bernie Berkowitz, their manager for the last two months.

They're not dead! You can't kill Radio Werewolf!

These are wonderful kids, you know.

A little wild, sure,

but, I mean, who can hold that against them?

They had more music in their rotten teeth

than most musicians have in their whole heads.

You talk about them as if they're still alive.

Uh, no comment.

This is Christie Doll. Back to you, Nancy--

[SWITCHES OFF TV]

First Mouse is squashed, then we're all expelled,

and now this: Radio Werewolf, dead.

Hey! Come on, everybody.

Look, we have to get our acts together.

Now, what are we gonna do?

PURCELL: I know what to do.

I've got a plan, but I need your help.

And if it works,

I can pretty much guarantee that all of you will graduate.

[♪]

Looks like she's been through the wringer.

Let's just say she's been around.

Are you sure this is legal?

All's fair in love and war.

What do you say, Dickson?

Do you think you can do it?

I'll need epoxy, some foam rubber, a merkin

and a stiff drink.

[HORN HONKING]

Can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to see something in a vacuum cleaner.

Is there any particular make or model you're interested in?

I want something strong that will really suck up the dirt.

Oh, well, if you want something industrial,

we've got this little item.

Uh-huh.

[TYPEWRITER CLACKS]

Are there two Ls in "unconditionally"?

Yes.

And don't forget "irrevocably."

[♪]

[SMOOCH]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

You can't know how I've longed for this moment.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Mary?

Oh, we had a little something,

but warm-bodied women like Mary

don't really understand the needs of a man like me.

Of course I'll be gentle.

Oh!

What is that delightful scent?

Is it Tiger of the Valley?

Ah! No, darling, don't move.

I can't wait any longer.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[SIGHS]

[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS]

Oh! Oooh!

[ALL YELL]

You disgusting pervert!

Somebody get me out of this thing!

Not till you sign this, Casanova.

You better sign it, Dr. Truscott,

or you'll be singing soprano.

What is it?

Well, it's a statement declaring

that all students in the current class

graduate with full honors.

And transferring the ownership

of the Grimm Mortuary and Academy to me

and my brother.

Are you behind this, Mary?

Every inch of the way.

It looks like you'll be having a skid-row honeymoon

with Cathy the cadaver.

Don't you dare refer to her that way.

As for your paper, you... [WHIRRING INTENSIFIES]

...can forget it.

I'm not signing anything.

Should I turn it up from wood floors and linoleum

to shag and deep pile?

DON: Let her rip!

[WHIRRING INTENSIFIES] Ooooh! Whoo!

On second thought, if anybody has a pen...

Would you like to peruse it first?

Very funny.

Stop! Turn this thing off!

Kill it, Abbott.

[GROANS] [SQUELCH]

Somebody get me my robe.

JAMES: Why, certainly. Oh!

[GROUP SNICKERS]

You people are sick!

Coming from you, that's a compliment.

[SCOFFS]

I suppose you think you're very smart,

strong-arming me this way.

Well, I'm happy to say the joke's on you.

What do you mean?

This mortuary is on the brink of bankruptcy.

When the creditors foreclose next week,

you fellas are gonna find yourself

the proud owner of half a million dollars of debt.

No way.

I'm afraid he might be telling the truth.

I'm going to take a shower now.

And while I do,

I would appreciate it very much

if someone would remove that contraption

from my fiancée.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Good night.

MAN: If you people can't make a substantial payment

within the next 48 hours,

the bank will be forced to take over the mortuary

and sell it at auction.

Am I making myself clear?

Truscott's a real douchebag.

This isn't fair. These aren't our debts.

These are the debts of the old proprietor, Paul Truscott!

Mr. Harding, can't we have a little more time?

This mortuary has had more than enough time.

The bank has run out of patience.

Excuse me for interrupting.

I just wanted to say goodbye to the new owners.

Linda and I are off to St. Thomas.

We'll send you a postcard.

Paul, she's perfect for you.

But you know she'll last longer

if you keep her out of the sun.

Goodbye, everybody. You're in good hands with Mr. Harding.

Charming man.

[SMOOCHES] Au revoir!

What could we sell that could generate that kind of money?

You could start with some of the inventory,

the heavier pieces of equipment.

No, no. Then we couldn't function as a mortuary.

There's got to be a way out of this.

Excuse me, I'm looking for

the head of the mortuary.

BOTH: That's me.

Hi, I'm Bernard Berkowitz, manager of Radio Werewolf,

and I'd like to give my boys the most fabulous funeral

money can buy.

Oh! How were you expecting to pay for this fabulous funeral?

Well, frankly, I'm broke.

Okay.

Welcome to the club.

But I thought possibly you guys were Radio Werewolf fans.

Wait a minute, Mr. Berkowitz. You said Radio Werewolf?

My boys, God bless them.

Well, they're a musical group, aren't they?

They were supposed to play

at a party my son was invited to tomorrow.

The Biallystock bar mitzvah.

The greatest cash-drop gig I ever negotiated in my life.

One million dollars for two sets.

A million dollars?

SAM: Are you saying

that these guys are getting paid

a million dollars for playing a private party?

That's right.

Said he'd do anything for that kid of his,

including hiring a band

to remind him of his days in detox.

And now they're dead?

Oh, that is criminal.

You know, if those little shits had lived two more days,

we'd all be rich.

Has anyone seen Dickson anywhere?

I still can't get Mouse's tail to work,

and it's driving me crazy.

Dickson!

Dickson. Dickson.

He's probably in the workroom.

Tell him we want to talk to him now.

Mr. Berkowitz, were the Radio Werewolf guys

badly injured in the accident?

You know, maimed?

Hardly a mark on 'em.

They were killed by some stupid safety bag.

Bernie, now, if it were possible--

Don't ask me how.

--to arrange them to play tomorrow night for one set only

here at the mortuary,

can you still get that million?

Are you out of your mind?

Are you out of your mind?

I know it's a big job, and you may not be up to it.

We need it by tomorrow night.

Oh, please, Dickson,

you've got to do it!

No-- Dickson.

Just stop it!

SAM: Dickson. Dickson!

DON: No!

If you do it, you'll save the mortuary.

DON: No!

You'll be a hero! DON: No!

You'll have a job with us for life.

DON: No!

We'll get you a girl.

DON: No.

You'll make a lot of kids very happy.

Okay, I'll do it.

But I ain't making any promises.

♪ Hey, baby Won't you take a chance? ♪

♪ Say that you'll let me Have this dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ We'll do the shake, doo-wop Let's do the samba too ♪

♪ Any ol' dance That you wanna do ♪

♪ But let's dance ♪

♪ Hey, baby Yeah, you thrill me so ♪

♪ Hold me tight Don't you let me go ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ We'll do the twist The stomp ♪

This is bitchen!

♪ Any ol' dance That you wanna do ♪

Shalom, Mr. Berkowitz.

Hiya.

I've got to hand it to you, Berkowitz.

Ernie Livkin is sitting at home, eating his heart out.

His son didn't have anything half this spectacular

for his bar mitzvah.

That's was a great hoax about the band dying, Mr. Berkowitz.

Yeah, it got us a lot of publicity.

That's the name of the game, you know.

And a nice touch, having the party in the mortuary.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, come on. Let's go in and check it out.

♪ Hey, baby If you're all alone ♪

♪ Baby, you could let me Walk you home ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ We'll do the shake, doo-wop Let's do the samba too ♪

♪ Any ol' thing That you wanna do ♪

Honey, please.

I couldn't help but notice,

but you got some big-ass motherfuckin' titties,

and I was just wondering if a phone number were--

Look here.

I don't give my telephone number

to no titty freak.

A titty freak? I ain't no titty freak!

I'm a young, black, rising entrepreneur,

and I just so happen to own part of this mortuary.

What you got to say? [LAUGHS POLITELY]

555-1860.

LARRY: You are the most

beautiful girl I am ever dancing with.

I thought you said you were blind.

No, I am just trying to learn English.

♪ Hey, baby Got that swingin' right ♪

♪ Yes, I know That this is the night ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Because the twist is on... ♪

Mary, can I ask you something?

Sure, Sam. What is it?

Well,

when we, uh, you know, fucked,

did you do it just to make Dr. Truscott jealous?

Yes.

But, Sam, I fixed your car for you because I liked you.

And I didn't think of Dr. Truscott when we, uh...

You know.

I know.

[BANGING & CRASHING]

Hold that kiss.

[ELECTRICITY WHIZZING]

Dickson, what's going on?

I'm having a hard time keeping them on their feet.

[POP]

I don't care if they're kneeling.

The crowd on the other side of that curtain

represents our future.

Standing or kneeling,

they've gotta be ready in 15 minutes.

Don't worry, they'll play fine.

[POP]

Oh, Dickson!

[SONG ENDS]

Okay, quiet, everybody. Quiet, please.

I have an announcement to make.

[PEOPLE SHUSHING]

Radio Werewolf is splitting up.

CROWD: Oh, no.

This will be their last historic performance.

And we know it's gonna be a concert to remember.

This is a boss party you threw for your boy Barney.

Benny.

So, what's your racket, anyway?

I buy, I sell. What about you?

On parole, I'm doing 10 years at Vacaville

for a triple homicide and some burglary.

I could use a man like you.

Give me a call tomorrow.

We'll have lunch. Great.

Oh, sorry, man, the wine's gotten me a little loaded.

It's okay, Abbott. Don't worry about it.

BERNIE: Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

You asked for it,

you paid for 'em.

And here they are,

the fabulous

Radio Werewolf!

[ORGAN PLAYING SPOOKY MELODY]

[CHEERING]

[WILD ROCK SONG PLAYING]

♪ Driving down A desolate highway ♪

♪ Headlights burning red Like a demon's eyes ♪

♪ There's a shadow In your rearview mirror ♪

I've never heard such an ugly noise.

Dad, this is the happiest day of my life.

Money can buy happiness, can't it?

And don't you forget it.

Hey, where's my wallet.

My wallet!

♪ Burning rubber on Route 915 ♪

♪ Turn on the ignition ♪

♪ With my skeleton key ♪

♪ Hear my 390 Throttle it, man ♪

♪ And she screeches out At the cemetery ♪

Valerie, whatever happens,

meet me on the roof in a few minutes, okay?

I'll be there.

♪ She's not An inanimate object ♪

♪ Why can't these fools see? ♪

♪ Fifty thousand miles Of funerals ♪

♪ Have chartered this hearse For eternity ♪

Fags.

♪ 'Cause I'm in love with... ♪

[♪]

I love you.

I love you too.

Shall we try a kiss?

Anything might happen.

What's life without risk?

[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]

♪ So if you're driving Down a desolate highway ♪

♪ Headlights burning red Like a demon's eyes ♪

♪ You'll see a shadow In your rearview mirror ♪

♪ Well, have no fear It's just my baby and I ♪

♪ From her super-sized trunk To her chrome-lined fins ♪

♪ Her glass packs roar 'cause She's blowing in the wind ♪

♪ She's a hitchhiker's Nightmare ♪

♪ A mortician's dream ♪

♪ I love my baby But she knows who comes first ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm in love With my 1960 ♪

♪ Cadillac hearse ♪

[DISTORTED] ♪ 1960... ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

[EXPLOSION]

[♪]

[HORN BELLOWS]

[HORN BELLOWS]

[♪]

[FLY BUZZING]

Mr. Truscott.

Captain.

I, um...

I can't help but notice that your wife hasn't moved

for several hours.

That's one of the things I love about her.

She's so quiet and self-contained.

But she hasn't talked to anyone

since the cruise began.

Intelligent women, like my wife,

usually don't speak unless they have something to say.

Well, enjoy the cruise.

Thank you.

Mrs. Truscott, is there anything I can do

to make you more comfortable?

[FLY BUZZING]

Mrs. Truscott?

Oh, my God.

She's dead!

Well, let's face it, captain.

Nobody's perfect.

[RAY LEMA'S "MARAVOT (IYOLELA)" PLAYING]

[MAN SINGING JUBILANTLY IN AFRICAN DIALECT]