Original subtitles

[ FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS ]

Peter: THE AMADEUS, THE T-SQUARE,

THE MARY LOU RETTON, THE HOUDINI, THE --

-OH! -OH!

OKAY.

SO, AS YOU CAN SEE,

EVEN IF MARVIN AND NANCY WANTED TO JOIN THE THE MILE HIGH CLUB

EN ROUTE TO VEGAS, IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU SEE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PHYSICS PREVENTS SEX IN ANY POSITION

IN A SouthCal AIRLINES BATHROOM.

SIMPLE MISUNDERSTANDING.

LIKE THE TIME YOU TRIED TO ARGUE

THAT AN ENERGY DRINK CAUSED INSANITY.

BOYS, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LEARN

THAT THESE CHARADES ONLY OBFUSCATE YOUR CLIENT'S DEFENSE?

IS THAT A RHETORICAL QUESTION?

IS "OBFUSCATE" A REAL WORD?

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

OH, COME ON, YOUR HONOR.

YOU USUALLY GIVE US A WARNING FIRST.

THIS SEEMS A LITTLE EXCESSIVE, DON'T YOU THINK?

-OKAY. -JUDGE DEREK KOHLER?

-YES. -YOU'RE UNDER ARREST

FOR OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE BY A JUDICIAL OFFICER.

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!

THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE.

CAN YOU... PLEASE COME WITH ME?

DOES THIS MEAN WE GET A DO-OVER?

PLEASE.

THE D.A.'s OFFICE HAS ACCUSED ME OF HAVING AN AFFAIR

WITH MARGARET POLLOCK

WHILE PRESIDING OVER A NUMBER OF HER CASES.

POLLOCK? NO WAY! TOTAL ICE QUEEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT? PUT US ON THE STAND, WE'LL TESTIFY --

REMEMBER WHEN YOU TRIED TO HIT ON POLLOCK

-AT THE BAR ASSOCIATION PARTY? -YEAH.

-UGH! -MARGARET AND I ARE IN LOVE.

HE MEANT "ICE QUEEN" IN A GOOD WAY.

-I NEVER HIT ON HER. -YOU HIT ON HER.

OFFICERS, UH, I'D LIKE TO CONFER WITH MY ATTORNEYS ALONE.

TWO MINUTES.

WHY IS HE -- WHY IS HE LOOKING AT US?

GENTLEMEN...

I NEED FRANKLIN AND BASH.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

♪ OOH, WHAT A MIXTURE ♪

♪ SUCH A VIVID PICTURE ♪

♪ OOH, WHAT A MIXTURE ♪

♪ IF I MUST SAY SO MYSELF ♪

-DAMIEN. -HEY.

FRIENDS DON'T SHAKE HANDS.

[ SLAPS BACK ]

UH, YEAH, OKAY. [ CHUCKLES ]

LAST TIME I CHECKED, WE WEREN'T FRIENDS.

OH, AFTER 20 YEARS,

YOU'RE STILL PISSED ABOUT THE THETA SPRING FORMAL?

UH, YEAH, YOU MEAN THE ONE WHERE YOU BROKE MY NOSE.

[ SIGHS ]

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, LANCE?

OKAY, IF YOU DON'T WANT A FRIEND, HOW ABOUT A CLIENT?

I'M LISTENING -- BARELY.

ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO,

I JOINED THE GAY SOFTBALL ASSOCIATION OF CALIFORNIA

TO MEET GUYS.

MY TEAM WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP,

BUT NOW SOMEBODY AT G-SAC IS ACCUSING US

OF HETEROSEXUAL CHEATING.

WAIT A SECOND.

I'M GAY, DAMIEN.

[ CHUCKLES ] NO, YOU'RE NOT. WHAT? YOU -- WHAT?

YOU BANGED, LIKE, EVERY 8, 9, AND 10 ON CAMPUS.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO LIVE A LIE ANYMORE.

UM, OKAY.

AND YOU NEED A LAWYER TO HELP YOU GET YOUR...?

G-SAC.

...YOUR G-SAC TROPHY BACK.

YEAH, THEY DON'T BELIEVE I'M GAY.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, UH, LISTEN, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

I-I CAN'T HELP YOU.

OUR FIRM DOESN'T TAKE FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS.

DIDN'T I READ YOU'RE CONSIDERING RUNNING FOR JUDGE?

YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THIS COULD REALLY PUT YOU ON THE MAP WITH THE GAY COMMUNITY.

AND I COULD COUNT ON YOU FOR THEIR SUPPORT?

DAMIEN, YOU GET ME OUT OF THE CLOSET,

I WILL PUT THEM IN THE VOTING BOOTHS.

ALL RIGHT. YOU TELL YOUR TEAM, BY THE TIME I'M DONE,

G-SAC WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO THINK STRAIGHT.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU NEVER ANSWERED WHY YOU WANT PETER AND ME DEFENDING YOU.

YOU HATE US.

I ASSUMED THAT IF ANYONE COULD RELATE TO MY PREDICAMENT,

IT WOULD BE YOU, MR. BASH.

JANIE ROSS AND I NEVER VIOLATED ANY ETHICAL BOUNDARIES.

-MAYBE BLURRED A FEW. -A COUPLE.

AND BEHIND THE SIDESHOW THAT IS FRANKLIN AND BASH,

I THINK YOU TWO SHOW GREAT POTENTIAL.

THE WAY YOU FIGHT FOR YOUR CLIENTS...

-AWW. -I LIKE THAT.

WHAT IS THE EVIDENCE AGAINST ME?

THERE WAS AN ANONYMOUS PACKAGE DELIVERED

TO THE D.A.'s OFFICE CLAIMING YOU AND D.A. POLLOCK

HAVE BEEN DATING SINCE JANUARY 2009.

SOMEONE'S GOT THEIR TIMELINE WRONG.

I PRESIDED OVER MARGARET'S CASES IN 2009,

BUT WE DIDN'T START DATING UNTIL 2010.

AND I PROPOSED SEVEN MONTHS LATER.

I HAVE RECUSED MYSELF EVERY TIME

WE'VE FOUND OURSELVES PAIRED TOGETHER IN COURT.

-Judge Kohler: IT'S ME. -THAT'S YOU.

WATCHING YOU IN COURT TODAY IN THAT PANTSUIT...

-[ SIGHS ] -HMM.

ALL I CAN SAY IS...

RES IPSA LOQUITUR.

YOU PHONE SEX IN LATIN? REALLY?

-THAT'S FREAKY. -MARCH 7, 2009, 4:00 A.M.

WE SLAM THE DOOR, AND I LIFT YOU UP ONTO YOUR DESK.

-YOU BITE MY LIP, DRAW BLOOD. -THAT'S HOT.

AND I SMILE, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT WEARING ANY PANTIES.

NO, J-JUST HIT THE STOP BUTTON. PLEASE, JUST TURN IT OFF.

THAT ONE'S BETTER.

I MEAN, IT'S INCREDIBLY DAMAGING TO OUR CASE,

BUT YOU'RE GETTING THERE -- IT'S A STRONG EFFORT.

-CONFIDENCE. -YEAH.

MARGARET, I'M SO SORRY THAT THEY HEARD THAT.

THEY HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

-GENTLEMEN. -HI.

-ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? -I'VE HAD BETTER DAYS, SWEETIE.

Peter: D.A. POLLOCK, DO YOU ADMIT

RECEIVING THOSE MESSAGES?

IN 2010, NOT 2009.

SOMEONE MUST HAVE ALTERED THE TIME-STAMP.

THAT'S HARD TO DO, YOUR HONOR.

YEAH, THAT'S LIKE BLACK-OP, NBA STUFF.

HE MEANS NSA.

I AM TELLING YOU, SOMEONE IS TRYING TO SET ME UP.

IF YOU GUYS WEREN'T TOGETHER IN 2009,

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GET YOUR OFFICE TO CALL OFF THE DOGS?

BELIEVE ME, I TRIED. NO ONE WILL TALK TO ME.

I'M SUSPENDED, PENDING THE OUTCOME OF THE INVESTIGATION.

OUR FATE RESTS ON YOUR ABILITY

TO CONVINCE A JURY OF MY INNOCENCE.

THERE SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THE ANONYMOUS INFORMATION.

POLLOCK AND KOHLER ARE TOO SMART TO BE THAT STUPID.

WHAT IF THEY ARE THAT STUPID?

WELL, HE'S LOOKING AT 23 YEARS --

ONE YEAR FOR EACH CASE HE TRIED WITH D.A. POLLOCK.

OPENING UP A FUTURE SEAT ON HIS BENCH.

HM. SOUNDS LIKE A WIN-WIN TO ME.

RIGHT, UH, DAMIEN...

WHERE ARE YOU AT WITH YOUR... BOYFRIEND FROM COLLEGE?

LANCE IS A BOY, AND HE WAS A FRIEND.

THEY'RE TWO SEPARATE NOUNS.

OH, MY GOD. YOU AMERICANS ARE SO UPTIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I ONCE EXPERIENCED

A MOST MARVELOUS POLYSEXUAL AWAKENING

IN 1976 ON OLD COMPTON STREET. IT WAS...

OKAY, THE BURBANK BEARS WERE THE WORST TEAM

IN THE GAY LEAGUE BEFORE LANCE JOINED.

NOW, WHEN WE WERE AT S.C.,

HE SET THE SEASON STRIKEOUT RECORD TWICE.

SO YOUR BOYFRIEND'S A PITCHER.

THE LEAGUE THINKS THAT LANCE IS A RINGER,

WHICH IS WHY I'M PUSHING FORWARD

AND SUING FOR EQUITABLE RELIEF.

DAMIEN, I'D BE DELIGHTED TO PARTNER YOU ON THIS ONE.

LET'S -- LET'S GET YOUR FRIEND'S CHAMPIONSHIP BACK, HM?

JANIE, YOU CAN'T HANG OUR JUDGE ON ANONYMOUS INFO

AND A COUPLE OF VOICEMAILS.

HE HAS A RIGHT TO CONFRONT HIS ACCUSER.

THANK YOU, PROFESSOR BASH.

I ALSO WENT TO LAW SCHOOL.

YEAH? THEN WHY AREN'T YOU ALSO GOING AFTER D.A. POLLOCK?

THAT'S AN INTERESTING DEFENSE,

TRYING TO DRAG DOWN YOUR CLIENT'S GIRLFRIEND

IN ORDER TO GET HIM OFF.

REMIND ME NEVER TO BE IN A LIFE RAFT WITH YOU.

IT'S SELECTIVE PROSECUTION.

KOHLER IS IN A POSITION OF POWER.

IT'S LIKE A CIVIL SEXUAL-HARASSMENT CASE.

PLEASE, YOU MEAN YOU'RE GOING AFTER MY CLIENT

TO PROTECT ONE OF YOUR OWN.

WHO WE CHARGE IS AT OUR DISCRETION.

THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE YOU'RE NOT SHARING.

YOU ALWAYS TILT YOUR HEAD LIKE A DOG HEARS A FUNNY NOISE

WHEN YOU'VE GOT A SECRET.

OH, SO NOW YOU'RE THE MENTALIST?

CHEWED-UP PENS --

TOTAL ROAD FLARE FOR SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.

OH, GROW UP, PETER!

IS THAT FIANCé OF YOURS

ON SOME SORT OF SEXUAL FAST AGAIN?

YOU KNOW NATHAN AND I BROKE UP.

HE ACTUALLY MOVED TO AN ASHRAM IN INDIA.

HUH. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TOOK SOME

FRIENDLY FIRE IN THE SHEETS?

THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

TOO LONG.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

THE NIGHT MANAGER AT THE PASADENA GRAND HOTEL

CAN PLACE KOHLER AND POLLOCK TOGETHER IN FEBRUARY OF 2009.

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT VOICEMAILS.

IT'S PRETTY HARD TO DOCTOR A LIVE PERSON.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO TAKE THIS TO TRIAL, PETER.

THEN HOW ELSE WOULD I GET TO SEE YOU?

♪ OOOH ♪

♪ I CAN'T LET YOU GO ♪

Carlton: ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS PRACTICE.

DOUBLE SWINGS, DOUBLE SWINGS.

WHOA. GOOD HIT. GOOD HIT.

ALL RIGHT, GET IT, GET, GET!

YOU GOT TO CATCH THAT! COME ON!

YOUR DEVIL DIVAS ARE VERY IMPRESSIVE.

I SUPPOSE IT'S COINCIDENCE THAT THE CAPTAIN

OF THE LOSING TEAM OFFERED HIS LEGAL SERVICES

PRO BONO TO THE LEAGUE.

I'M OFFENDED BY YOUR CLIENT'S INSENSITIVITY.

SEE, MY TEAM ALSO DESERVES THAT TROPHY.

LANCE ADMITTED HE WAS HOMOSEXUAL

IN THE LEAGUE'S SELF-DECLARATION FORM.

I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE DIFFERENTLY.

THAT'S YOUR WORD VERSUS HIS.

AND HALF MY TEAMMATES

CELEBRATING HIS VICTORY AT WHISKERS NIGHTCLUB.

HE HAD A FEW TOO MANY VODKA RED BULLS

AND BLURTED OUT HE HAD NEVER DATED OR SLEPT WITH A MAN.

THAT DOESN'T --

I MEAN, THERE'S A LOT OF HETEROSEXUAL VIRGINS OUT THERE.

PART OF THE SELF-DECLARATION FORM STATES

THAT GAY MEANS PARTICIPATING IN ROMANTIC OR SEXUAL BEHAVIOR.

WELL, COME ON, I MEAN, THEN THE LEAGUE STANDARDS --

NOT ONLY ARE THEY UNFAIR, BUT THEY'RE UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

WHILE WE'RE DISCUSSING WHAT'S FAIR,

ARE YOU ALSO SUING THE STRAIGHT LEAGUE THAT KICKED OUT LANCE?

YEAH, BANNED FOR LIFE --

FOR CHARGING THE MOUND AFTER GETTING HIT BY A PITCH.

TWO DAYS BEFORE JOINING THE BURBANK BEARS.

YOU SEE, THE ONLY REASON YOUR CLIENT JOINED OUR LEAGUE

WAS BECAUSE HIS OTHER LEAGUE DUMPED HIM.

HE DOESN'T LOVE MEN, DAMIEN.

HE LOVES COMPETITIVE SOFTBALL.

LET'S GO!

Judge Kohler: HOW CAN THEY SAY FOR CERTAIN IT WAS ME?

WELL, THE NIGHT MANAGER AT THE PASADENA GRAND

SAYS YOU ORDERED A 18-YEAR-OLD MACALLAN SCOTCH

FROM ROOM SERVICE ON FEBRUARY 19, 2009.

MYSELF AND A HUNDRED OTHER JUDGES

AND LAWYERS WHO ATTENDED THAT

BAR ASSOCIATION CONFERENCE THAT EVENING.

BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE A BRUNETTE WITH THEM

WHO ORDERED A SPARKLING GRAPEFRUIT WATER AT 1:22 A.M.

YOU ALSO ORDERED AN IN-ROOM PORNO,

"REAL STEEL," 20 MINUTES LATER.

THAT'S A FAMILY MOVIE, PINDY.

THIS ONE STARS "HUGE" JACKMAN.

Jared: SOME COINCIDENCE --

BRUNETTE, FANCY WATER...

QUESTIONABLE FAMILY MOVIE.

COME ON, THE MANAGER IS LYING.

YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW THAT.

YOUR HONOR, HE DIRECTLY LINKS YOU

TO THE DATES AND TO POLLOCK.

JANIE IS GOING TO BURY US ALIVE WITH THIS.

Peter: WE SHOULD JUST PLEAD YOU OUT.

YOU'VE BEEN A JUDGE FOR 20 YEARS WITH A SPOTLESS RECORD --

NO JAIL TIME. YOU GET SUSPENDED

FROM THE BENCH FOR THREE YEARS.

SO, THE MOMENT IT GETS TOUGH,

FRANKLIN AND BASH WANT TO PACK IT IN.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MAVERICKS

THAT I RETAINED TO KICK OVER THE SCALES OF JUSTICE?

STOP SELLING ME THE CASE.

START LAWYERING THE LAW.

JUDGE, YOU TRIED SIX CASES IN '09 WITH D.A. POLLOCK.

THAT'S SIX POSSIBLE SUSPECTS

WHO COULD HAVE THEIR RULINGS OVERTURNED IF YOU'RE CONVICTED.

THEY'LL GO FREE.

Pindar: THREE OF THEM AREN'T SERVING ANY TIME --

VANDALISM, SHOPLIFTING, D.U.I. THE OTHERS --

PETER AND I ALREADY INVESTIGATED TORI RICHARDS,

WHO YOU HIT WITH FOUR YEARS FOR ROBBERY.

SHE'S DEAD.

PROBABLY NOT A THREAT.

OUR FIFTH SUSPECT, LEROY BRYANT,

MADE PAROLE LAST YEAR

AFTER DOING TWO YEARS FOR DEALING METH.

WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO TRACK HIM DOWN.

I HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE FOR PUNKS LIKE LEROY.

IF HE WANTS ME, HE'LL HAVE TO STAND IN LINE.

WELL, HE'LL PROBABLY BE BEHIND JULIAN AROYAN.

Carmen: YOU SENT HIM AWAY FOR FIVE YEARS

FOR EMBEZZLING FROM HIS NIGHTCLUB.

Aroyan: I'M GONNA GET YOU, KOHLER!

THIS ISN'T OVER!

I AM GONNA HUNT YOU DOWN!

YOU BETTER HIDE!

YOU BETTER HIDE!

YEAH, I GOT TO THINK YOU'RE NOT

ON HIS CHRISTMAS-CARD LIST.

OH. THE LEAGUE WANTS CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE

OF LANCE'S HOMOSEXUALITY.

[ Sighing ] OH. YOU KNOW, IT'S A SHAME OUR LADS AT G-SAC

DON'T FEEL GAY ABOVE THE WAIST IS GAY ENOUGH TO PLAY BALL.

I MEAN, I STILL REMEMBER THE DAY

WHEN POPPING THE COLLAR ON YOUR POLO

WAS ENOUGH TO GET YOU BACKSTAGE AT "A CHORUS LINE."

HOW DO WE FIGURE OUT WHAT MAKES LANCE GAY?

YOU GUYS ARE OVERTHINKING THIS.

IT'S OBVIOUS WHY LANCE IS GAY.

WELL, WE'RE NOT ALL BLESSED

WITH YOUR MILITARY-GRADE GAYDAR, HANNA.

PLEASE, ENLIGHTEN US.

HE GOT A PERFECT SCORE ON MY "COOPER TEST."

LANCE DRIVES A MINI-COOPER,

WANTS BRADLEY COOPER'S BLUE EYES,

AND WATCHES ANDERSON COOPER ON MUTE -- 100% GAY.

THAT'S BANANAS. JUST BECAUSE A GUY ENJOYS

WATCHING A LITTLE OLYMPIC DIVING

DOESN'T DETERMINE ANYTHING ABOUT HIS SEXUALITY.

YOU KNOW, I THINK HANNA'S ONTO SOMETHING WITH HER COOPER TEST.

THE LEAGUE HAVE GOT THEIR CRITERIA,

SO, WHY DON'T WE BRING 'EM OURS?

YEAH. [ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S LIKE I'M CAUGHT IN CRAZY TOWN.

AROYAN'S GOT SERIOUS ANGER-MANAGEMENT ISSUES.

DID YOU SEE THAT VEIN THROBBING IN HIS FOREHEAD

-ON THE VIDEO? -RIGHT OUT OF "SCANNERS."

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA EXPLODE.

YOU KNOW IT WAS BASED ON A TRUE STORY?

-NO WAY. -"SCANNERS." TRUE STORY.

"OU EST LA SALLE DE BAIN?"

"WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?"

"TU ES MA JOIE DE VIVRE."

"YOU ARE THE JOY OF MY LIFE."

-BON JOUR. -MON NOM EST PETER

ET C'EST JARARRD.

WHAT? WE BOTH HAD MADEMOISELLE STEIN.

I TOLD THE WARDEN I'D BE HAPPY TO

ANSWER ANY OF YOUR QUESTIONS.

I JUST CAN'T BE LATE FOR MY AFTERNOON TAI CHI CLASS.

WELL, WE WILL BE MUY RáPIDO.

-THAT'S SPANISH, DICK WAD. -YEAH.

I HAD SEÑOR FLACKENBERRY. SUCK IT.

JULIAN, WE HAVE IT UNDER GOOD AUTHORITY

THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO FRAME JUDGE KOHLER

TO GET YOUR CASE OVERTURNED.

KOHLER? REFRESH MY MEMORY.

DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR SENTENCING,

WHEN YOU SAID, AND I QUOTE --

"I'M GOING TO SHOVE THAT GAVEL UP YOUR BUTT

SO YOU CAN'T TALK OUT YOUR ASS AGAIN"?

WELL, I WAS IN A DARK PLACE BACK THEN SPIRITUALLY.

I'VE SINCE LEARNED TO CHANNEL MY ANGER

INTO THE CLASSICS AND MEDITATION, ROMANCE LAN--

YOU MEAN YOU TURNED INTO A PUSSY?

ONLY A COWARD WOULD SEND AN ANONYMOUS LETTER

TO DO HIS DIRTY WORK.

THIS IS BENEATH ME. IT'S NOT MY STYLE.

WHAT IS YOUR CONNECTION TO A NIGHT MANAGER

AT THE PASADENA GRAND NAMED PAUL OSTROWSKI?

IT'S NOT RINGING ANY BELLS, AND IF YOU WOULD,

I'D LIKE TO GO ATTEND MY MEDITATION CLASS.

BUDDHA CAN WAIT.

ACCORDING TO PRISON PHONE LOGS,

YOU MADE NUMEROUS CALLS IN APRIL OF 2009

TO A DISPOSABLE CELL PURCHASED WITH CASH IN PASADENA.

THAT RING ANY BELLS, MAYBE A NICKI MINAJ RING TONE?

THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER.

-GET OUT OF MY WAY. -YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

WHENEVER WE CALL THAT PHONE, IT JUST RINGS.

MAYBE THE NIGHT MANAGER DOESN'T RECOGNIZE OUR NUMBER.

BECAUSE HE'S REALLY TALKATIVE IF YOU CALL HIM ON HIS OFFICE LINE.

TELL YOU WHAT -- LET ME GET HIM ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW,

WE'LL STRAIGHTEN THIS WHOLE THING OUT WITH YOU RIGHT HERE.

-[GRUNTING] -WHOA!

I'M GONNA RIP YOUR THROAT OUT!

YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG, FELLAS!

I JUST WANT TO SERVE MY TIME!

IT'S THE GUYS ABOUT TO GO AWAY!

THEY'RE THE ONES WHO'LL SAY ANYTHING TO STAY OUT! NOT ME!

WHEW.

IT'S OKAY TO ADMIT THAT HE SCARED YOU.

I'M NOT SCARED.

YOU'RE HOLDING MY ARM.

NO, I'M NOT.

MR. THORPE, AS CHAIRMAN

OF THE GAY SOFTBALL ASSOCIATION OF CALIFORNIA,

YOU ESTABLISHED THE CRITERIA FOR NEWLY JOINING MEMBERS.

I MAKE CERTAIN EACH MEMBER FULFILLS

THE GUIDELINES OF OUR CHARTER.

AND ACCORDING TO YOUR CRITERIA,

YOU DON'T THINK THAT LANCE HERE IS GAY ENOUGH?

I DON'T THINK LANCE IS GAY AT ALL.

WHY? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T ACT LIKE YOU?

BECAUSE HE HASN'T HAD A PHYSICAL OR ROMANTIC AFFAIR

WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX.

GAY ISN'T A PHASE IN OUR LEAGUE, MR. INFELD.

ARE YOU CONFIDENT ABOUT YOUR OWN SEXUALITY?

I CAME OUT IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I'VE HAD MULTIPLE RELATIONSHIPS. I AM A GAY MAN.

USING YOUR CRITERIA, I SUPPOSE. [ CHUCKLES ]

NOBODY COULD DISPUTE MY PRIDE.

AH! NOW, I'M REALLY HAPPY TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT,

BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN TEST FOR GAYNESS.

Carlton: OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR.

MR. INFELD DOESN'T HAVE EXPERT KNOWLEDGE.

YOUR HONOR, THIS WITNESS HAS ALREADY TESTIFIED

THAT NOBODY WILL DOUBT HIS PRIDE.

CERTAINLY IF HE'S AS GAY AS HE SAYS HE IS,

THEN HE'LL PASS ANY TEST WITH FLYING COLORS.

OVERRULED. I'LL ALLOW IT.

THANK YOU.

SO, MR. THORPE... [ CLEARS THROAT ]

WOULD YOU PLEASE ILLUMINATE FOR THE COURT

WHO WON "DANCING WITH THE STARS," SEASON TWO?

I DON'T WATCH "DANCING WITH THE STARS."

-[ SPECTATORS MURMUR ] -WHAT?! OH, MY.

OH, WELL, YOU SHOULD. IT'S A WONDERFUL SHOW.

BY THE WAY, DREW LACHEY.

HE TOOK THE TIARA HOME THAT YEAR. [ CHUCKLES ]

UM [CLEARS THROAT] MOVING ON.

AS A GAY MAN, YOU OBVIOUSLY KNOW

KATHY GRIFFIN'S CURRENT HAIR COLOR.

-RED. -OHH. OH, DEAR.

[ Chuckling ] NO, RED IS HER NATURAL HAIR COLOR.

COPPER -- THAT'S THE NEW RED.

MM-HMM. WHAT'S GAYER -- PILATES OR YOGA?

OBJECTION! THIS RIDICULOUS TEST OF MR. INFELD'S

DOESN'T PROVE ANYTHING ABOUT SEXUALITY.

-IT'S ARBITRARY AND DEMEANING. -PRECISELY.

MY CRITERIA IS NO LESS ABSURD THAN MR. THORPE'S.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS, YOUR HONOR,

HIS CRITERIA UNFAIRLY STRIPPED LANCE

AND THE BURBANK BEARS OF THEIR TITLE.

WELL, THANK YOU. NO FURTHER QUESTIONS. MM.

PILATES IS GAYER.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

INVITING EVERY HETEROSEXUAL FROM YOUR OFFICE

WON'T PROTECT YOU FROM TURNING GAY, DAMIEN.

Karp: OH, PLEASE. I AM MORE THAN

COMFORTABLE WITH MY SEXUALITY.

BESIDES, MY BED COUNT IN COLLEGE SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.

NUMBERS THAT CAN'T BE VERIFIED.

MAN, EVERYTHING IS A COMPETITION WITH YOU.

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU I LIED ABOUT MY STATS.

NO WAY! EVERY THETA PLEDGE DID THE WALK OF SHAME

OUT OF YOUR ROOM JUNIOR YEAR.

I SAW THEM COME OUT IN PAIRS.

OH, I'M A FABULOUS LISTENER.

THEY'D TALK ABOUT THEIR EATING DISORDERS,

CHEATING BOYFRIENDS, WAXING.

WHAT ABOUT LESLIE FRIEDMAN?

VIRGIN. PROBABLY STILL IS.

WHAT? OR CHLOE SUMMERS AND GRETA TURNBERRY.

LESBIAN. PREGNANT, ECON PROFESSOR.

AMANDA MORRIS?

IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO.

DID YOU OR DIDN'T YOU HAVE SEX WITH AMANDA MORRIS?

AMANDA ISN'T THE ONLY PERSON THAT LANCE HAS FORGOTTEN ABOUT.

DID HE TELL YOU ABOUT HIS EX-WIFE?

WHAT?

TANYA AND I GOT MARRIED ON A CRUISE TO BARBADOS.

IT LASTED THREE YEARS.

AND TANYA IS TESTIFYING AGAINST US IN THE MORNING.

HEY. COULD YOU GIVE US A MOMENT?

LOOK AT ME.

STANTON GAVE US MATCHING SUITS FOR MAKING EQUITY PARTNERS.

WE WANTED BREAKAWAY TUXEDOS,

BUT THEY'RE NOT PROFESSIONAL -- HERE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

LISTEN, PETER,

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE CONVERSATION

WE WERE HAVING THE OTHER DAY.

WHICH CONVERSATION IS THAT?

OH. YEAH.

IT MIGHT'VE CROSSED MY MIND A COUPLE HUNDRED TIMES.

I MEAN, IT SEEMS CRAZY FOR TWO PEOPLE

WITH SO MUCH CHEMISTRY TO DENY SOMETHING SO NATURAL.

YOU'RE READING MY MIND.

TWO PEOPLE WORKING TOGETHER...

IN THE TRENCHES.

Who would blame them?

A JURY.

THIS IS ABOUT KOHLER AND POLLOCK?!

JUDGMENT CAN BE COMPROMISED WHEN DESIRE INTERFERES.

[ SIGHS ] THAT WAS CRUEL.

BUT EFFECTIVE.

WE'RE WILLING TO REDUCE THE CHARGE

TO ONE COUNT OF MISDEMEANOR CONDUCT

AND HE STEPS DOWN FROM THE BENCH FOR GOOD.

HE'LL NEVER GO FOR IT. AND D.A. POLLOCK ISN'T EXACTLY --

SHE'S A VICTIM.

SHE HEADS UP OUR CONVICTION INTEGRITY PROGRAM.

SHE STARTED THE PRISONER REHABILITATION PROGRAM.

SHE RUNS THE UNSOLVED CRIMES DIVISION. SHE'S A SAINT.

SHE HELPS INMATES... GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL.

-ASSFACE! -HEY! [ GASPS ] GRANDMA JANIE!

-ASSFACE. -HI.

SORRY. YOU HAVE TO GO. WE HAVE HIGH-LEVEL LEGAL DEFENSE STUFF.

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT YOU. GET OUT OF HERE.

I'M GONE. GET YOUR BOYFRIEND TO TAKE THE DEAL.

DID YOU SHOW HER OUR SUITS?

-YEAH. -WE GOT SUITS!

HEY, WE GOT TO GET CARMEN ON D.A. POLLOCK.

SHE'S EITHER BEING BLACKMAILED,

SHE'S BEING UNFAITHFUL,

-OR SHE'S TELLING THE TRUTH. -HUH?

-HUH? -WHAT?

WE SHOPPED TOGETHER, DANCED.

HE WAS FUN.

AND IF HE WAS SO WONDERFUL,

WHY AREN'T YOU STILL TOGETHER?

I OPENED A HAIR SALON.

LANCE STARTED A FITNESS CLUB.

THE STRESS PUT TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON OUR RELATIONSHIP.

IT TORE US APART.

LIKE SO MANY OTHER STRAIGHT MARRIAGES?

MM-HMM.

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

COULD YOU READ ALOUD THE CHARGE

HIGHLIGHTED ON THE CREDIT-CARD STATEMENT

YOU SHARED WITH YOUR EX-HUSBAND?

$14.95, MONTHLY SERVICE INSTALLMENT FOR...

guycatch.com.

A GAY DATING WEBSITE FOR MEN.

A CHARGE WHICH APPEARS EVERY MONTH

FOR SIX MONTHS BEFORE YOUR DIVORCE.

LANCE JOINED THE SITE TO HELP A GAY FRIEND

-AT THE SALON START DATING. -YEAH, RIGHT.

AND I GO TO STRIP CLUBS 'CAUSE I LOVE BUFFALO WINGS.

-Carlton: OBJECTION. -MR. KARP'S PERVERSE DIET

HAS NO RELEVANCE IN THESE PROCEEDINGS.

MS. RENNER, YOU DIDN'T STEP FORWARD TO TESTIFY AGAINST LANCE

BECAUSE YOU THINK HE'S LYING.

YOU DID IT BECAUSE YOU'RE ANGRY.

YOU'RE ANGRY THAT YOUR DANCING AND SHOPPING PARTNER

COULD NEVER BE IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN.

YOU FEEL USED, DON'T YOU?

LIED TO?

AND WHO COULD BLAME YOU?

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

REDIRECT, YOUR HONOR.

ABOUT HOW MANY TIMES PER WEEK

DID YOU AND LANCE ENGAGE IN SEXUAL RELATIONS?

OBJECTION. RELEVANCE.

WELL, MR. KARP MADE IT RELEVANT

BY SUGGESTING THIS WAS A SHAM MARRIAGE.

OBJECTION OVERRULED.

THE WITNESS CAN ANSWER.

THREE TO FOUR.

AND DID LANCE EVER EXPERIENCE ANY --

FORGIVE ME -- STAGE FRIGHT?

-QUITE THE OPPOSITE. -OH.

THREE-YEAR MARRIAGE, ACTIVE SEX LIFE.

WELL, IF LANCE ISN'T STRAIGHT,

THEN HE DESERVES AN ACADEMY AWARD.

THANK YOU.

I'VE BEEN A TRIAL JUDGE FOR 19 YEARS,

PRESIDING OVER 1,470 CASES.

AND OF THOSE 1,400-PLUS CASES, HOW MANY WERE APPEALED?

ROUGHLY HALF. COMES WITH THE JOB.

HOW MANY WERE OVERTURNED?

TWO.

TWO OUT OF 700 CASES,

MEANING YOUR INTERPRETATION OF THE LAW

IS NEARLY INCONTROVERTIBLE.

AS JUDGES, WE MUST PUT PREJUDICE ASIDE

AND SEE CASES THROUGH THE BLINDFOLDED EYES

OF LADY JUSTICE.

LADY JUSTICE. I LIKE THAT.

NOW, WE'VE DEMONSTRATED THAT YOU'RE A MAN OF HONESTY,

A MAN OF INTEGRITY.

WOULD YOU TELL THE JURY WHEN YOU BEGAN

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH D.A. POLLOCK?

IN FEBRUARY OF 2010.

I IMMEDIATELY RECUSED MYSELF FROM ALL HER FUTURE CASES.

FEBRUARY 2010,

MORE THAN A YEAR AFTER THE CLAIM IN THE ANONYMOUS LETTER.

NO MORE QUESTIONS.

RESPECTFULLY, JUDGE KOHLER,

WHAT SIGNIFIED FEBRUARY OF 2010

AS THE START OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER LATE ONE EVENING IN MY CHAMBERS.

CROSSING THE LINE FROM COLLEAGUE

TO SOMETHING MORE TAKES COURAGE.

I-I-IF YOU'RE NOT BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE

WHEN THAT SPARK STRIKES,

THINGS COULD GET REAL AWKWARD.

OBJECTION. COUNSEL'S TESTIFYING.

MS. ROSS IS TRYING TO WORK OUT CERTAIN ISSUES IN HER OWN LIFE.

YOUR POINT, MS. ROSS?

THE EMOTIONAL BUILDUP TO A RELATIONSHIP

IS JUST AS SIGNIFICANT AS THE CONSUMMATION

OF THE RELATIONSHIP ITSELF, YOUR HONOR.

CARRY ON.

SO, IS THE JURY TO BELIEVE

THAT YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE ANY FEELINGS TOWARD D.A. POLLOCK

PRIOR TO THAT INTIMATE ENCOUNTER IN YOUR CHAMBERS?

I AM A PROFESSIONAL, MS. ROSS.

UH, LET ME REPHRASE THE QUESTION.

WAS IT PROFESSIONAL TO SEND MS. POLLOCK AN E-MAIL

IN MARCH OF 2009 WITH A WINKY FACE EMOTICON?

I AM KNOWN FOR MY EMOTICONS,

ESPECIALLY THE ABE LINCOLN FACE.

I'VE SENT THEM TO ALL THE D.A.s IN YOUR OFFICE,

DEFENSE ATTORNEYS, MY SUPPORT STAFF --

CAN YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION?

KEEPING IN MIND YOU'RE UNDER OATH.

I MAY HAVE BEEN ATTRACTED TO MARGARET.

I SWEAR, IT HAD NO IMPACT ON MY RULINGS.

ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE?

COULDN'T YOUR ATTRACTION HAVE COLORED THINGS...JUST A LITTLE?

I DON'T KNOW.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY.

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

Jared: [ LAUGHS ]

-HEY, HEY. -HEY. CARMEN.

HEY. SO, I RAN INTO AN OLD FRIEND

WHILE RESEARCHING POLLOCK'S PRISONER REHABILITATION PROGRAM.

GUYS, THIS IS RICKY.

-RICKY. -HEY, RICKY.

GET THE GUYS UP TO SPEED

-WITH WHAT YOU TOLD ME. -OH, OKAY.

FROM JANUARY 2009 TO APRIL 2009,

LARRY DOBECK DID A STRETCH FOR IDENTITY THEFT.

HE'S THE COUSIN OF THE NIGHT MANAGER

AT THE PASADENA GRAND,

WHERE POLLOCK AND KOHLER WERE I.D.'d.

SERVED HIS TIME IN THE SAME CELL BLOCK AS JULIAN AROYAN.

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHERE POLLOCK ENTERS OUR STORY,

EXCEPT I CAN'T FIND AROYAN

IN ANY OF THE CLASSES POLLOCK TAUGHT.

BUT HERE'S THE THING --

POLLOCK TUTORS HIM PRIVATELY IN FRENCH.

PRIVATELY, AS IN ALONE?

AS IN VERY COMMITTED TO HIS STUDIES?

FLUENT IN THE ROMANTIC LANGUAGES?

Carmen: OKAY, ENOUGH. IS HE BONING HER OR WHAT?

[ SIGHS ] LOOK, YOU DIDN'T HEAR THIS FROM ME, ALL RIGHT?

BUT SHE GOT A CLASS AT 2:00 P.M.

ASK HER YOURSELF.

THANKS, RICKY.

YOU GOT IT.

I AM DONE GETTING SUCKER-PUNCHED BY YOU.

WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?

OH, YOU FIGURED ME OUT, DAMIEN.

I'M FAKING GAY FOR AN ALUMINUM TROPHY.

WELL, YOU KNOW, FROM WHERE I'M STANDING,

I SEE THE EXACT SAME GUY WHO THREW SPITTERS IN COLLEGE

TO GET HIS STRIKEOUT RECORDS.

YEAH, SO WHAT? I LIKE TO WIN.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S THE EXACT SAME ATTITUDE

THAT LANDED ME IN THE HOSPITAL WITH A BROKEN NOSE

AND...GOT YOU AMANDA MORRIS.

OH, COME ON! I DIDN'T MEAN TO MESS US UP.

WE WERE LIKE BROTHERS.

WELL, NOW I'M YOUR LAWYER.

AND UNLESS WE CAN FIND SOMEONE TO CORROBORATE YOUR SEXUALITY,

PREFERABLY NOT SOME HOT BIKINI MODEL...

WE'RE SCREWED.

I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS.

I'LL TELL YA.

ONE TIME, I TRIED TELLING SOMEBODY

WHO WAS CLOSE TO ME, BUT I LACKED THE COURAGE

'CAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING.

AWESOME. WE'LL GO WITH THAT.

SO MUCH CONFIDENCE NOW.

OH, GREAT TIMING.

I-I THINK WE'RE GONNA USE YOUR COOPER TEST RESULTS

TO SWAY THE JUDGE.

"LOVE IS BLIND.

FRIENDSHIP CLOSES ITS EYES."

REALLY? I CAN USUALLY COUNT ON STANTON

FOR THE USELESS NIETZSCHE QUOTES.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT LANCE?

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOOK ME TO CATALINA

FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

YOU LEFT EARLY BECAUSE I SPENT THE ENTIRE VACATION

PLAYING GOLF WITH TOM WUHLER FROM THE NEW YORK OFFICE.

I LEFT EARLY BECAUSE YOU FILLED OUR HOTEL ROOM WITH ORCHIDS

AND I BROKE OUT IN HIVES.

WHAT? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

YOU USED TO LEAVE ORCHIDS ON MY DESK

EVERY TIME YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ME.

AND EVERY TIME, I TOLD YOU THEY WERE SWEET,

BUT I'M NOT REALLY A FLOWER GIRL.

MM. ALL WOMEN LOVE FLOWERS.

I-I JUST FIGURED THAT YOU WANTED ME TO WORK HARDER.

SOMETIMES YOU LISTEN TO THE WORDS, DAMIEN,

BUT YOU DON'T HEAR THEM.

YOUR PROBLEM ISN'T ABOUT LANCE.

IT'S ABOUT YOU.

YOU THINK YOU COULD BREAK OUT OF THIS PRISON?

UNMARKED BULLETPROOF HELICOPTER LANDS IN THE YARD.

CAYENNE PEPPER TO THROW OFF THE DOGS.

GONE IN 60 SECONDS!

YOU HAVE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.

BUT WHERE ARE YOU GETTING AN UNMARKED BULLETPROOF HELICOPTER?

THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN.

PETER, JARED. IS EVERYTHING OKAY WITH DEREK?

[ SIGHS ]

SORRY, I BET HIM FIVE BUCKS THAT YOU'D CONFESS

TO YOUR AFFAIR WITH AROYAN THE SECOND YOU SAW US.

-THAT'S RIDICULOUS. -THAT'S WHAT I SAID!

A WOMAN WHO COULD CRUSH HER FIANCé'S HEART

WITH HER BARE HANDS ISN'T CAPABLE OF REMORSE.

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

JUST BECAUSE I WORK INDEPENDENTLY WITH A PRISONER

DOESN'T MEAN I'M ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH HIM.

-OH! -THERE IT IS.

-THANKS. -PLEASE STOP DOING THAT.

WE CAN'T LET YOU SEND KOHLER TO PRISON

JUST SO YOU CAN CONTINUE YOUR FRENCH-FESTS.

I MOVED IN WITH DEREK.

I BECAME A DOG PERSON FOR HIM. WE'RE ENGAGED.

THAT'S PROBABLY GONNA CHANGE WHEN YOU'RE LOCKED UP IN CHINO

FOR CONSPIRACY AND CRIMINAL FRAUD.

I'D IMAGINE IT'S NOT CO-ED,

SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BID ADIEU TO YOUR FRENCH LESSONS.

DEREK'S GONNA BE UPSET WHEN HE HEARS ABOUT THIS.

YOU USED TO LIVE IN PASADENA BEFORE YOU MOVED IN

-WITH KOHLER, RIGHT? -[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

Jared: THAT'S THE SAME CITY WHERE AROYAN

BOUGHT THE DISPOSABLE CELLPHONE HE'S BEEN CALLING.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

HOW DO YOU THINK KOHLER WILL TAKE THE NEWS ABOUT POLLOCK?

YOU EVER SEEN YOUR FATHER CRY?

OH, MAN. I FEEL SORRY FOR THE GRUMPY DUDE.

UP UNTIL NOW, I DIDN'T KNOW HIS HEART WAS CAPABLE OF A BEAT.

SAME OLD STORY. INNOCENT HOT GIRL

FALLS FOR DANGEROUS BAD BOY.

THIS IS SO "DIRTY DANCING."

AAH! YEAH, EXCEPT SWAYZE WAS JUST MISUNDERSTOOD.

-[ GROANS ] -[ LAUGHS ]

-[ DOOR CLOSES ] -THERE HE IS!

THERE! THERE...HE IS!

[ SIGHS ] OH, JEEZ.

COME ON IN!

Judge Kohler: WHAT IS IT THAT COULDN'T WAIT?

I HAVE TO MEET MARGARET FOR OUR MARRIAGE BLOOD TEST.

OKAY, UM...

JARED HAS SOME INFORMATION THAT HE HAS TO SHARE WITH YOU.

-ME? -J's BEFORE "P."

ALL RIGHT. UH, YOUR HONOR,

ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOUR FIANCéE HAD PERSONAL...

ENCOUNTERS WITH PRISONERS?

HER REHABILITATION PROGRAM HAS AN 80% GRADUATION RATE,

SO I ASSUMED THAT SHE'S HAD FAVORITES.

-SHE DOES. -SHE DOES. YEAH.

JULIAN AROYAN IS ONE OF THEM.

FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS, YOUR FIANCéE

PRIVATELY TUTORED HIM IN FRENCH.

SHE WAS ALSO TEACHING ME FRENCH.

A PRISON GUARD CONFIRMED IT,

BUT HE WON'T TESTIFY.

SO YOUR THEORY IS BASED ON AN UNVERIFIABLE WITNESS.

WELL, WE KIND OF HOPED MAYBE YOU HAD ACCESS TO HER COMPUTER

OR HAD COME ACROSS ANY SUSPICIOUS DOCUMENTS.

SHE COVERED HER TRACKS.

I AM TELLING YOU THAT YOU ARE WRONG.

SHE GAVE UP HER HOME. SHE GAVE AWAY HER CAT.

SHE BECAME A DOG PERSON.

SH-- WE'VE MERGED OUR FINANCES. SHE'S PLANNING A LIFE WITH ME.

OR SHE'S PLANNING HER ESCAPE

AND DOESN'T WANT ANY ATTACHMENTS.

YOU'RE WRONG!

AND YOU'RE LAZY!

AND IF YOU CAN'T FIND THE PERSON THAT'S SETTING ME UP,

THEN I WILL HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE THAT WILL.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE FIRST.

NO, YOU DID -- YOU DID...GOOD.

-I DON'T THINK SO. -NO.

YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE A LIFE, DO YOU?

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, PETER?

POLLOCK RIGGED THE CASE. YOU HAVE TO DISMISS.

-DO I? -THIS IS ABOUT A WOMAN'S CONTROL,

NOT A JUDGE'S DERELICTION OF DUTY.

A WOMAN'S CONTROL?

NO, THIS IS ABOUT HOW KOHLER LURED HER IN

WITH HIS POWER AND HIS CHARM AND HIS EYES.

SHE LURED HIM IN WITH HER SIREN SONG.

YOU'VE READ "THE ODYSSEY"?

CLIFFS NOTES.

EVEN WITH HIS BOAT SHATTERED IN PIECES,

HE STILL CLINGS TO THE ROCKS,

WAITING...HOPING...

FOR ONE LAST GLIMPSE...

OF HER BEAUTY.

♪ WON'T YOU MOVE A LITTLE CLOSER ♪

♪ ALWAYS CLEAN, THAT BEAT ♪

♪ HERE WITH YOU MY LOVE ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH ♪

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH ♪

MR. DILLON...

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST MAN TO MARRY A WOMAN

TO HIDE HIS HOMOSEXUALITY.

YOU KNOW, BUT WHAT REALLY BAFFLES ME IS...

WHY DID YOU STAY IN THE CLOSET FOR SO LONG?

I, UM...

COULDN'T HANDLE THE CONSEQUENCES OF COMING OUT.

OH. THE CONSEQUENCES.

SO, WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU FIRST TRIED TO COME OUT?

I, UH...

WELL, ACTUALLY, UM... UH, THERE...

NOW, TAKE YOUR TIME.

YOUR HONOR, WITH THE COURT'S PERMISSION,

I'LL CONTINUE THE LINE OF QUESTIONING.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

ISN'T IT TRUE THAT YOU ONCE GOT INTO A FIGHT

WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND OVER A GIRL?

-AMANDA MORRIS. -RIGHT.

AND YOU BOILED OVER WITH SO MUCH RAGE

THAT, IN A FIT OF PASSION, YOU PUNCHED HIM.

YEAH, AS HARD AS I COULD.

RIGHT.

BUT THE RAGE WASN'T OVER AMANDA MORRIS, WAS IT?

WAS IT?

ACTUALLY, IT INVOLVED SOMEONE

WHO WOULDN'T HAVE UNDERSTOOD THE TRUTH.

WHO WAS THAT PERSON?

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW.

I GET IT, BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, YOU'RE UNDER OATH.

ANSWER THE QUESTION.

YOU.

[ Voice breaking ] I PUNCHED YOU

BECAUSE I WAS...ANGRY...

THAT I'D NEVER HAVE YOU.

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

THANK YOU, LANCE. THANK YOU.

WE SUBPOENA AROYAN AND THE NIGHT MANAGER.

THEY'LL JUST LIE.

WE CAN...

WE --

OKAY, COULD YOU STOP WITH THE GUITAR?

YOU'RE KILLING ME.

-YOU SLEPT WITH JANIE. -WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THAT IS THE SAME CHEESY SONG YOU WROTE

THE FIRST TIME YOU GUYS SLEPT TOGETHER!

-IT'S NOT CHEESY. -THAT IS A CHEESY SONG!

-IT'S "RAINY DAY JANIE"! -THAT IS WARPED. WHAT?!

"RAINY DAY JANIE."

"RAINY DAY JANIE." HOW DARE YOU?

HOW DARE YOU?

THAT IS A GUTSY MOVE, CONSIDERING WE ARE REPRESENTING

A JUDGE WHO'S ACCUSED OF THE SAME CRIME?

-IT'S DIFFERENT. -HOW?

IT'S WAY, WAY DIFFERENT!

HOW?! IT'S NOT DIFFERENT.

EW. YOU --

ALL RISE.

I JUST PICKED UP MY BLOOD-TEST RESULTS

FROM MY DOCTOR, AND HE GAVE ME MARGARET'S WORK-UP.

SHE'S RUNNING AWAY WITH AROYAN,

AS SOON AS SHE GETS ME CONVICTED.

WHICH WILL GIVE HIM THE KEY TO HIS PRISON CELL.

MAN, ACCORDING TO THIS,

SHE'S HAD HER EXIT PLAN FROM THE START.

THIS ISN'T ENOUGH TO PROVE SHE SET HIM UP.

WE GOT TO FIND SOMETHING TO DIRECTLY LINK HER PLAN

TO AROYAN.

I'VE SEEN FRANKLIN AND BASH DO

A LOT MORE WITH A LOT LESS.

THE DEFENSE CALLS MARGARET POLLOCK TO THE STAND.

-JUST PUT HIM RIGHT THERE. -OBJECTION!

THIS WITNESS IS NOT ON MY LIST.

Jared: CLEARLY, MS. ROSS WOKE UP

ON THE SIDE OF THE WRONG BED THIS MORNING.

WE'VE BROUGHT IN JULIAN AROYAN

STRICTLY FOR IDENTIFICATION PURPOSES.

OVERRULED.

Overruled. [ MUTTERS ]

MISS POLLOCK, DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE MAN

SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW BETWEEN THE TWO OFFICERS?

MR. AROYAN IS A STUDENT OF MINE

AT THE CALIFORNIA CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTE.

ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HIM?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Judge Sheffield: RETURN TO PORT, MR. FRANKLIN.

YOUR FISHING EXPEDITION IS OVER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I APOLOGIZE FOR MY COLLEAGUE.

OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE ENGAGED TO JUDGE KOHLER.

THIS WOMAN... SHE GOT A MARRIAGE BLOOD TEST,

SOMETHING THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA DOESN'T EVEN REQUIRE.

WHY?

THEY'RE NEEDED IN FRANCE.

WE'RE PLANNING A CEREMONY IN BRANTôME.

IT'S THE VENICE OF PéRIGORD.

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

BUT YOU ALSO GOT VACCINATIONS FOR TYPHOID,

MALARIA, AND DIPHTHERIA AT THE SAME DOCTOR'S VISIT.

I...WANTED TO BE CAUGHT UP IN CASE WE TRAVELED.

WELL, I WASN'T AWARE OF A MALARIA EPIDEMIC IN FRANCE.

OBJECTION! ARGUMENTATIVE.

Judge Sheffield: SUSTAINED.

MISS POLLOCK, WERE YOU AWARE

THAT VACCINATIONS FOR SCHISTOSOMIASIS

AND MEDITERRANEAN SPOTTED FEVER

ARE ONLY REQUIRED FOR REMOTE REGIONS OF MOROCCO?

-I'M NOT A PHYSICIAN. -Janie: RELEVANCE, YOUR HONOR.

MR. BASH, YOUR CLOCK IS TICKING.

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT THE CONTENTS OF THIS ENVELOPE

CONTAINED TWO PLANE TICKETS TO RABAT, MOROCCO?

[ SCOFFS ] I WOULD SAY IT'S A PATENTED FRANKLIN-AND-BASH BLUFF.

COULD YOU PLEASE READ THE CONTENTS ALOUD FOR THE JURY?

[ PAPER RUSTLING ]

TWO TICKETS TO RABAT, MOROCCO.

WHO ARE THEY FOR?

ME AND...

-DEREK KOHLER. -YOU BITCH!

YOU SET ME UP! YOU'RE GOING WITH HIM?!

BABE, I'M NOT GOING WITH H--

-YOU'RE A LIAR! -[ SIGHS ]

Judge Sheffield: BAILIFFS, REMOVE HIM!

[ SIGHS ]

I --

I MEAN...

THESE TICKETS ARE FAKE.

MISS POLLOCK, YOU SENT THE ANONYMOUS PACKAGE

IMPLICATING JUDGE KOHLER TO YOUR OWN OFFICE, DIDN'T YOU?

PROVE THAT.

Janie: A-AT THIS TIME, THE PROSECUTION

MOVES TO DISMISS, YOUR HONOR.

AND WE WOULD ALSO MOVE TO ADD THE CHARGE OF PERJURY

AGAINST MARGARET POLLOCK.

BAILIFFS, TAKE MISS POLLOCK INTO CUSTODY, FORTHWITH.

-OKAY, OKAY. -Bailiff: COME ON.

-REALLY? -UH-HUH.

ALL RIGHT.

[ SIGHS ]

JANIE, D.A. POLLOCK'S A BAD PERSON.

SHE USED JUDGE KOHLER'S VULNERABILITY

TO MANIPULATE EVERYONE AROUND HER.

IS THAT WHAT WE'RE DOING TO EACH OTHER?

WE'RE JUST HAVING FUN.

OUR SEX-TIVITIES WERE NEVER THIS ADVENTUROUS WHEN WE DATED.

SEX-TIVITIES.

AT LEAST WE DON'T HAVE THE PRESSURE

OF A RELATIONSHIP HANGING OVER US.

NOPE, JUST THE FANTASY.

AND IF WE GOT CAUGHT...

Judge Kohler: CAUGHT DOING WHAT?

YEAH, WHAT?

UH, CAUGHT WITH OUR PANTS DOWN

OVER D.A. POLLOCK.

A FAIR JUDGMENT MEANS YOU CHECK YOUR EMOTIONS AT THE DOOR.

Bryce: ON BEHALF OF THE GAY SOFTBALL ASSOCIATION OF CALIFORNIA,

JOIN ME IN CONGRATULATING THE BURBANK BEARS

AS OUR NEW CHAMPIONS!

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS, CORK POPS ]

-[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] -AWESOME.

-HEY! -HEY.

[ Chuckling ] OH, RIGHT.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE THIS RAINBOW

HAD A POT OF GOLD AT THE END OF IT AFTER ALL.

LISTEN, DAMIEN, I NEVER SAID SO.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M SORRY I DECKED YOU BACK THEN.

I WISH I JUST, SOMEHOW, I COULD HAVE SPARED YOU,

I DON'T KNOW, SOME OF THOSE YEARS OF SELF-DOUBT --

WITHOUT THE SEX, OBVIOUSLY.

IT WAS A CRUSH, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY TYPE THESE DAYS.

WHAT'S YOUR TYPE?

-MEN WHO ARE IN SHAPE. -I'M IN SHAPE!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I HAVEN'T HAD A CARB IN LIKE NINE YEARS.

LOOK, I WOULD NEVER JEOPARDIZE OUR FRIENDSHIP

BY HITTING ON YOU.

WELL, THAT'S GREAT, BUT, I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.

WHAT AREA DO YOU THINK NEEDS THE MOST WORK?

IT'S HARD TO GET THIS FLAT,

BECAUSE I HAVE LARGE INTERNAL ORGANS.

-YEAH. YEAH. -LANCE, LET'S GO.

HEY, ALL RIGHT!

[ MUSIC CONTINUES, INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

YOU SEE ABOUT THIS GUY KNUCKLEFACE?

YOU GOT TO ADMIT, THAT IS ONE BADASS MOB NAME.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYIN' FOREVER.

I MEAN, WE SHOULD HAVE MOB NAMES.

I'LL GO BY "JELLY ROLL."

I'M NOT CALLING YOU JELLY ROLL.

THAT'S STUPID.

YOU GOT A BEEF WITH JELLY ROLL, JUICE BOX?

-JUICE BOX? I'M JUICE BOX? -UH-HUH.

SCARY GUY FORTIFIED WITH VITAMIN C?

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IT REALLY MEANS.

Bailiff: ALL RISE.

-HEY -- -WHOA.

YOUR HONOR, YOU CAN'T PRESIDE OVER THIS CASE, GIVEN OUR HISTORY.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO RECUSE YOURSELF.

GENTLEMEN, THAT IS MY CHOICE, NOT THE LAW.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU FILED

A 997 AFFIDAVIT TO HAVE ME REMOVED.

AND HAD YOU PURSUED THAT ROUTE,

I WOULD HAVE ISSUED A WRIT OF PROHIBITION TO STOP IT.

-THAT'S NOT COOL. -THIS SUCKS!

DON'T TEMPT ME, FELLAS.

WE HAVE HISTOR-- AHH, COME ON. AHHH! AHH.

-I THINK YOU SHOULD STOP. -REALLY?

♪ OOH-OOH-OOH ♪

♪ I CAN'T LET YOU GO ♪

♪ WON'T YOU MOVE A LITTLE CLOSER ♪

♪ ALWAYS CLEAN, THAT BEAT ♪

♪ HERE WITH YOU MY LOVE ♪