Original subtitles

[♪♪]

-Oh, 7.0. -Ooh, new record.

Yeah, it would have been if I didn't see a handrail violation.

No way, that's incidental contact.

Incidental contact is contact. I saw it with my eyes.

Excuse me. You must be Peter Bash.

Yeah.

We've never met. Nathan Connor.

I believe we have something in common.

Right.

We do have something in common: A thing for redheads.

One in particular, Janie Ross. Except you're marrying her.

Clearly Janie has a type. Look at you guys.

Uh, listen, this is maybe a little unusual,

but I would like you to be my lawyer.

Really? What for?

Can I talk to you for a second about the Bjornberg-Smoot depo?

Just for a second, right now, real quick?

Uh, 10th floor. I'll meet you in reception.

Oh, okay.

Nathan, pleasure.

You really have to come up with a better fake depo name.

-It doesn't fool anybody. -You can't get involved.

-Who says I am? -He's your ex's fiancé.

You had Pindy run his plates.

Nathan's gonna run to Janie, say Peter's a hurt bunny

because I wouldn't take a meeting. Come on.

This is your way of inserting yourself into Janie's life.

-Janie and I are done. -Yeah, sure.

-Don't you have a meeting? -No. And-- Oh, yeah.

[SIGHS]

Karp Cougar Mellencamp.

I'm not used to seeing you without a tie. It's freaking me out.

I'm helping Rails-to-Trails make the world a better place

for future generations.

No. You're doing an interview

with the West Coast Law Review today.

Philanthropy doesn't count if you're using it for a judicial appointment.

-Sure, it does. -Morning, everyone.

Hey, sir. You're in a good mood.

Guessing you cleaned up at poker last night.

Look, if I can stare down a Himalayan black bear,

I can damn well hold a poker face

in front of Tobey Maguire.

See you're wearing your "man of the people" outfit.

I know that you're green at handling the media.

Why don't you send that reporter up to my office?

Thanks, but somehow the subject always gets turned back to you.

Well, can't help that. Fascinating topic.

-Thank you, but no, thank you. -Ah.

♪ Keep away ♪

♪ Keep away from my girl ♪

♪ Keep away Keep away ♪

-Help you? -Oh, hi.

Uh-- I'm sorry to have just walked in.

-But I'm a sucker for Eastern Asian art. -Sure.

What's this?

This is an ancient scroll from the Udon dynasty,

given to Emperor Sashimi by a ninja clan.

This isn't your office.

This isn't my office, no.

But I think you're my meeting.

-Wrongful termination? -Yeah.

Jared Franklin.

And let me just say for the record, I believe you.

You're too smart to have slept with your student.

Uh, yeah, I did sleep with him.

Okay.

All right. Well, some great teachers have slept with their students.

Plato, for one. And, uh...

Well, that's it. You and him.

It was over the summer. I thought he was 21, and...

I had no idea he was a student

until he showed up in my class this fall.

Okay. I've gone up against L.A. Unified in court, so--

It's not L.A. Unified.

It's a private school, the Hightower Academy.

-I went to Hightower. -I know.

I read about you in the alumni newsletter.

That's why I'm here.

[♪♪]

What's the problem?

I was, uh... arrested for solicitation.

You mean busted with a hooker?

Yeah. Yeah.

It was a bachelor party. My buddies rented a suite.

She was the gift. I didn't have sex with her.

-Does Janie know? -No.

Why you coming to me?

You come highly recommended by Doug,

my tantric yoga teacher.

Doug. He's a frequent flier.

And Janie, for that matter, who says that you're an expert in this field.

All right, Nathan, Janie and I have only been split up for a year.

I mean, you coming to me is...

Oh.

You still have feelings for her.

I am so sorry. Janie said it was completely over between you two.

-She said that? -[CHUCKLES]

This is awkward.

No. No, it's not. It's-- You know, she's right.

It's cool. We're cool.

I mean, nothing would make me happier than

helping Janie's fiancé beat a solicitation charge

on the eve of her wedding.

There was also a little fire from a Dominican body candle.

But there was a lot of damage. They evacuated the place.

And the hotel pressed charges because the room was on my credit card.

This changes everything.

You're looking at 18 to 36 months in prison now.

-Prison? -You endangered lives.

I mean, you upgraded yourself to a felony.

Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[SIGHS]

Didn't even want a bachelor party.

[PETE'S "MIXTURE" PLAYING]

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ Such a vivid picture ♪

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ If I must say so myself ♪

JARED: Popped with a hook?

He just handed you a "please steal my fiancée" card.

-You believe him? -I don't have a choice.

You have a choice. You don't have to take it.

Janie and I are done.

This is my way to show it to everyone.

-You mean show it to yourself? -Shut up. How's teacher doing?

Check it out. That is Chris Briggs.

He posted pictures of him and Emily on Facebook, bragged to some friends.

Administration caught wind, suspended her.

Don't women know that boys can't keep their mouths shut?

He's hardly a boy. He's 18.

Legally a man, uses a fake ID.

Yeah, that's one predatory victim.

Too bad schools are so intolerant about student/teacher relationships.

Yup. Especially Hightower.

-Really? Your old high school? -Yup.

That's why Emily Claire needs an alum with some clout.

Find one?

There is a wing named after a Franklin at that school.

They named it after your dad

because he donated the money after the car-wash fiasco.

-I forgot about that. -I'm sure they didn't.

Yeah.

♪ 'Cause I'm a bachelor For one more night, yeah ♪

♪ I'm about to be tied For the rest of my life ♪

♪ We booked a hotel To set the mood right ♪

We started out at the Third Rail,

chef's table, five-star, five-course meal.

I thought the plan was to try the new brandy bar on Sunset.

Is this the Disney party package?

Listen, I'm not into the whole Vegas stripper thing.

It refracts sexual energy that should be directed towards your lover,

and dissipates it.

That's the whole idea, isn't it? The dissipation?

Anyway, my best man instead steers us to the Sheffield Hotel

where he's got a suite filled with booze, drugs, porn.

-Bachelor party. -That's a good friend.

But when the hooker showed up, I ducked out.

After about an hour, I came back, just in time for Vice to beat down the door.

They questioned the hooker and read me my rights.

Vice may have pressured her. They don't have a clean arrest unless she's sure.

So usually they pick a john to take the fall.

As your lawyer, I think we should fight this.

-You have to come clean to Janie, but... -No. No.

Okay, Janie knowing is off the table.

-But you say you're innocent. -Listen.

Janie is planning a wedding. She doesn't need this.

Well, Nathan, Janie works in the DA's office.

She might find out about this anyway.

[SIGHS] I would rather take my chances.

He can plead out the felony and hope for the best.

[♪♪]

So they'll toss the fire charge?

Since the solicitation is a first-time offense.

I got you a diversion program, take one class, charges are dropped.

-Seriously? It was that easy? -There's no such thing as easy.

I mean, it takes perfect execution.

-Like Apollo 13 moon landing. -Apollo 11.

Apollo 13 was the one where the oxygen tank exploded

and the astronauts were almost lost in outer space.

Oh, then not Apollo 13.

Hey! Stop!

-Janie. Whoa, milkmaid 'do. Like that. -Don't even--

-Searching for a central hair theme. -I see.

Nathan, my maid of honor called and said that her husband said

that you were caught with a hooker?

Somebody talked.

Jane. this is not what it looks like.

-Did you have sex with her? -No. Vice framed me.

Other guys were either married or multiple offenders.

So nobody has my back on this one. I-- I just--

I wanted this to go away. For you.

-For me? -I got him a great deal.

No jail time. He has to do is plead guilty--

No! Plead not guilty.

I work for the DA's office. I'm not marrying a sex offender.

Uh, you'd rather marry a convict?

I can't believe this is happening.

Babe, I'm so sorry.

Look, I believe you didn't have sex with a prostitute.

I believe that Peter's a good enough lawyer to prove that.

So change your plea, and then we can move on from this,

and enjoy the wedding.

And you, you better win this.

[♪♪]

As your attorney, I strongly advise you to change your plea.

♪ Whatever happened To the girl I used to know ♪

I met Chris Briggs on the beach in Malibu.

Um, he told me he went to Pepperdine,

even though he had just moved to L.A.

We went to a bar and had drinks,

and then went back to my place.

You know the rest.

He didn't even buy you dinner?

I'd buy you dinner.

That is really unprofessional.

Yes, it was.

Buy you dessert too.

All right, did you tell him you were a teacher?

Yes, I did. But I didn't say where.

Two weeks later, I'm taking attendance, and he's in my class.

Even with compelling evidence, it's gonna be hard to get your job back.

How was I supposed to know, Jared?

He took me to a bar and ordered me drinks.

I mean, I thought he was 21.

Do you think Chris is the type to testify that he misled you?

-I don't know. -Might be our only shot.

[♪♪]

Defending corporations and mediating mergers

is not why I got into the field. Yes, it pays the bills.

But, really, what's most important to me

is that I'm able to give back to the city where I live.

Well, others may think it's a calculated attempt

to fill out a résumé void of community service.

Yeah. I don't really worry about what people think.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I, um...

I'm actually... I'm late for a tree planting in Echo Park.

Um, and you don't have to print that.

-Or you can. It's your call. -No problem.

We're done. I need a few quotes from your uncle, and I'll be good to go.

-Oh, my uncle? -Yeah.

Well, I mean, really? I mean, why do you need to talk to him?

He's a legendary trial attorney. He knows you very well.

My editor wants Stanton Infeld in the piece, or we cancel the profile.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪]

-Chris Briggs. -Yeah?

We'd like to talk to you about Emily Claire. We're her lawyers.

Make it quick. I gotta keep my heart rate up.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Emily's about to lose her job because of you.

I don't care about your heart rate.

-I shouldn't be talking to you. -PETER: Yeah, why?

Did you do something wrong like lie about your age?

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry Emily's in trouble. She's a nice girl.

-Girl? -If you could tell us what happened--

-Or if you could tell the Board-- -Yeah. That would help her out a lot.

What happened is she came on to me at the beach and I went for it.

-Should've told me she was a teacher. -Why? If you already knew that.

Uh-oh. Someone's heart rate just went up.

I didn't know who she was. I gotta go.

He lied to her. I'd love to drag his ass in front of the Board.

Never put the victim on the stand.

Victim? Guy's a Cobra Kai.

Someone's hot for teacher.

Shut up.

[♪♪]

JARED: Hey. What you got there?

Ah, 2005 Contino Rioja Reserva.

-I know. It's an off-year. -I'll take a glass.

-You don't drink wine. -I do when it's free.

You realize this guy's banging your ex?

-Yes. Thank you for helping me move on. -Just saying.

Guys, I'm sorry. I couldn't find your wine glasses.

-Yeah, you did. -Thanks.

Alright, here's the plan. Your hooker's scheduled to appear in court tomorrow

for another case, I'm gonna stop by, challenge her recollections,

see whether you were the john.

Hmm. It's pretty good.

Janie and I picked it up in Spain.

Galicia, actually--

Or as the locals pronounce it, "Galicia."

I, uh, proposed to her on the beach there.

I'm sorry. I'm an idiot.

That's okay. It's alright.

And besides, I know you're in for a little crazy.

Janie does have her idiosyncrasies.

Yeah, who would've thought she'd smoke after sex?

PETER: Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, he told me. Come on.

It's The Cave. No topic's off limits.

[CHUCKLES] It's true. She does like to sneak one after sex.

There you go.

Smoked a pack and a half last week.

Dude. Too soon.

♪ Yeah Soul sister, yeah ♪

Lisa Marriet? I represent Nathan Connor.

He was at that bachelor party you work out last weekend.

-You gotta narrow it down a bit. -There was a fire.

The Sheffield Hotel.

Yeah. Listen, I have a quick question about a john.

I'll make it quick. I know you're on your way.

I didn't get names.

I just know he wanted to get his money's worth.

I talked to the cops, so you should talk to them.

Wait, he wanted to get his money's worth?

-He took 55 minutes to finish. -Wow!

I gotta turn over tables, if you know what I mean.

I'll take your word for it.

But this isn't him.

But then, how would you know?

The only light was from a candle, and you had to point the finger at someone.

You know what Vice would do if I changed my story now?

They'd put me out of business. -Then I'll subpoena you.

Well, go ahead.

But as far as I'm concerned, what Vice said happened, happened.

[PATRICK SWEANY'S "THEM SHOES" PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

♪ My mind should be the way Most people say ♪

[♪♪]

The hooker's a dead end.

I gotta find some hard evidence that Nathan wasn't in the room.

[SIGHS]

Have Carmen check out the hotel.

High-end places have every inch covered with security cameras.

Yeah, I was just gonna do that.

-Right. -Was.

What are we gonna do about Chris Briggs?

Chris took Emily to a bar, right?

-Yeah. -Well, if he's under 21,

he's gonna stick with a place that'll take his fake ID.

Maybe he's taken girls there before.

We talk to them, get them to testify the hearing. Good idea.

Maybe one of these days, you guys will start to pull your own weight.

What time is it? I gotta go.

Nathan's on his way over. I gotta get dressed.

-Again? -God, you guys should get a room.

-PETER: It's work. -"It's work."

"I love you, Nathan." "I love you, Peter."

"No, I love you." "Look at your giant head."

"Look at your giant head." "Let's put them together."

[IMITATES EXPLOSION] What? I'm alone.

♪ Oh, L.A. oh ♪

Trappist monks started brewing this after fleeing the French Revolution.

-No kidding? -All the proceeds go to charity.

They don't keep the profits.

You want us to clear out and you can fill the tub

with boutique monk beer and splash around together?

-Someone's jealous. -JARED: Someone's annoying.

Someone's here.

-Janie? -I've been calling you and texting you.

Okay, I'm gonna go fold some laundry.

Sorry. We've been working.

We were supposed to see a wedding band.

I wanna talk to your mom about having a Jack and Jill wedding shower

here at The Cave. I'm thinking high tea, crumpets, finger sandwiches.

That is so sweet of you, Pindy, but I'm actually all showered out.

Go get dressed.

I like our chances tomorrow.

Not too long ago, you said you still had a shot with me.

-Remember? -Mmm, yeah, kind of.

Is this your Hail Mary attempt?

Your fiancé came to me.

You must be loving this.

I just want what's best for you, always have.

Oh, my God.

Bye, Janie! That's my mom.

[♪♪]

-You're a great good cop. -I'm always the good cop.

What'll it be?

-Whatever you got that's cold. -We're on the job, ma'am.

You ever served this man in your bar?

Chris Briggs. Yeah.

He's 18. Did you card him?

Yes. If it's a fake, it's a good one.

He ever bring women in, say, mid-20s to 30s?

Yes. Women who drink too much and fall for his charm.

And the next day, just a text. Pisses them off.

What's wrong with a text?

If they're polite and use emoticons--

Nothing.

Would you testify in front of a school board?

School board? Sorry. No, thanks.

Oh. Maybe my friend Abraham Lincoln can convince you.

That's Andrew Jackson.

I need some change.

Let's go see the headmaster, tell him we got women lined up to testify.

Risky move. What if he calls your bluff?

My bluff? Where are you going?

What do you mean? I got another case.

Are you afraid of the headmaster now?

I'm not afraid of Walter Gallen. If anything, he fears me.

[PHONE RINGS]

-PETER: Carmen. -JARED: Hey.

-How'd it go at the hotel? -No luck

on the security video, but it's a good thing

that they keep key-card records

because someone from Nathan's suite

entered the pool area just after the hooker arrived

at 1:02 a.m.

That enough to get Nathan off?

No one but Nathan claimed to be out of the room.

We have reasonable doubt.

-Boom. -All right. Thanks.

♪ Find ourselves in trouble Something serious ♪

CARMEN: Yeah. Pindy.

[WOMAN SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ON TV]

Look at this. I can find a block of Philippine cooking shows.

No Liverpool kickoff.

So that reporter I didn't want you to talk to, he insists on talking to you.

Really? What a surprise.

Look, Damien, I'm sure I can handle the West Coast Law Review.

I don't need you to handle anything. I graduated summa cum laude.

I was notes editor of the Law Review. And I've wanted a judicial appointment

since I was 6 years old.

Of course. I remember helping you

with your Judge Wapner Halloween costume.

Stories like that make everyone think you hired me because I'm your nephew.

I did. Your mother would've been furious.

Well, she told me I couldn't turn you down.

-Besides, I think I've earned my keep. -Wait. Can we just table this?

This is important.

MAN [ON TV]: Returned to base camp after the storm cut them off from their party.

Officials say the four lost climbers have been stranded

on Mount McKinley for three days...

KARP: Mount McKinley? Wait. Isn't that where your friend Gibson--?

Rescue teams are standing by, but must wait for weather conditions to improve

before mounting a rescue operation.

-Welcome back, Jared. -I appreciate you

lifting the lifetime ban to meet with me.

Well, it wasn't easy.

Some people here have a long memory.

Every school had cheerleader and car washes.

Where the cheerleaders wash the cars,

not where you wash the cheerleaders.

Raised 5 grand for the debate team.

Look, I'm willing to hear you out of respect for your father,

but we have a corporate donor poised to make a large endowment

and this incident could cause us some unwanted publicity.

It's always about money with you, isn't it?

I got three women ready to testify that Chris Briggs deceived them

into believing he was in his 20s.

You got a predator on campus, but it's not Emily.

What about the second student?

What second student?

We've had another student come forward to report an affair with Emily

during the school year, on the school grounds.

Well, as usual, somebody didn't do their homework.

[♪♪]

What? I have no idea what he's talking about.

-Who is it? -The kid's underage.

It's against school policy to give out his name.

Look. Okay, I swear,

I may not be very good at judging men

but I would never, ever knowingly have sex with a student.

Teaching is all I've ever wanted to do with my life.

Please don't let them take my job away from me.

We have to find the student.

[♪♪]

And seeing as no one else claimed to have left,

is it probable that Nathan used that card to access the pool?

I'd say so, yes.

No further questions.

You may step down.

Prosecution would like to call a rebuttal witness, Dennis Roe,

Sheffield Hotel bellhop.

[♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

You worked the overnight shift of August 27th and 28th, correct?

-Yes. -Around 1:15 a.m.,

can you tell me where you were?

I stepped outside to the pool area for a smoke break.

Was the defendant in the pool area?

-Yes. -Was he alone?

No.

He was with a dark-haired girl, very pretty.

-JEFFRIES: What were they doing? -DENNIS: It was hard to tell.

They seemed to wanna stay out of view.

But I heard a male voice say:

"Whatever I'm paying you, it's not enough."

Thank you, Mr. Roe.

[♪♪]

-NATHAN: Janie. -Not now.

-Janie. I swear, it's not-- -Not now.

Nathan.

You didn't tell me you took the hooker to the pool.

It wasn't a hooker. It was Lauren,

my assistant from work.

You banging your assistant? -No.

I called her to take me home.

Is she hot?

Really? Now?

She's hot. Everyone thinks you were talking to a hooker.

So they're gonna need to know the details of the conversation.

You can't use her. You gotta think of something else.

There is no other way. It's this or prison.

Okay, look, Janie doesn't trust Lauren.

She would not be happy that I called Lauren to my hotel room.

Not my problem.

[SIGHS] Okay. I had to tell her.

I had to tell Janie about Lauren.

We're in enough trouble without you telling a lawyer

in the DA's office what our next step's gonna be.

You wanna beat this, we do it my way.

[♪♪]

[BIRD CHIRPING]

You found the student?

PINDAR: Here he is.

JARED: Rudy Baldini.

-He's in one of my classes. -PINDAR: And Model UN.

Apparently, everyone's talking about some big hook-up he had.

So I friended him, and this is what he said

about you on another site.

This never happened.

"I found Miss Claire crying in the music room.

"She said she just broke up with her boyfriend and was lonely.

I tried to play a tune on the flute to cheer her up."

"She said I wasn't blowing on it properly

"and showed me her technique.

"Then she said it works on other things too, and unbuckled my pants and--"

-I know how this ends. -Wait, I know how this ends too.

Why do I know how this ends?

We're going back to my old school.

[♪♪]

We ask the world to follow South Africa's lead

and cut oil dependency by pursuing clean energy.

A critical policy not just for the future of our citizens,

but the health of the whole planet.

-Can I help you? -Teacher evaluations.

STUDENT: While we provide 60%...

-Trouble grasping the obvious. -Mm.

Evaluations are next month.

-Confrontational. -Confrontational.

You may wanna speak with Mr. Gallen.

While it is true that we provide--

JARED: Where can I find Rudy Baldini?

PETER: Rudy.

-Hey. -Rudy.

How you doing? Jared Franklin, class of '94, debate team captain.

Model UN member, former Soviet Union.

Also, you guys may recognize the name "Franklin"

because my father donated the money that built this wing.

Peter Bash, Grant High, quarterback. My dad put in the drywall.

We're representing one of your teachers, Emily Claire.

Rudy, do you wanna go to college?

I've applied early to Kenyon.

Kenyon? Mm. That's a writers' school.

-Great school. -How do you think they'll feel

at admissions when they find out you plagiarized episode 207

of Skinemax's Private Academy?

Mr. Bash, the DVR description.

"Megan and Ariel race to bed, the exchange student first,

"while Spazz's music teacher gives him after-hours help

with his, ahem, flute."

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

I know what it's like not to have friends,

so you make up a story, and then that story gets some traction.

Suddenly, all the kids who laughed at your Quantum Leap book bag

are hanging on your every word.

Trust me, Rudy, let the cool kids have high school

because in 20 years, the Chris Briggses of the world,

they work for us.

I am now his bitch.

[STUDENTS CHUCKLE]

Rudy, you go to Headmaster Gallen

and tell him the truth, or I'll call my friends at Kenyon,

and tell them you steal intellectual property.

-Yes, sir. -There you go.

Don't call me sir. Sir is my dad. Is Tuesday still sloppy-joe day?

-Yeah. -Great. Let's eat.

Did your dad really donate money for this building?

My dad would endow a cathouse if they put his name on a bronze plaque.

[♪♪]

You just saved a teacher's job, Netherlands.

-What? -I got an idea.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

And our water supply will become undrinkable...

[KNOCKING]

What are you doing here?

In case my fiancé with a hooker wasn't funny enough for you,

I thought I'd give you another laugh at my hair.

I don't think he was cheating, Janie.

Okay.

And the hair?

Hilarious.

Um-- Nathan told me

I should stay away from court tomorrow.

Is that true?

Janie...

I know he wants to tell me, but can't on advice of counsel--

I can't discuss this case with someone in the DA's office.

Look me in the eye.

[FINK'S "IF I HAD A MILLION" PLAYING]

That bad, huh?

I'll see you in court.

You know, I wish I could help you, but I've gotta messenger tomorrow's

witness list to the DA's office in 45 minutes.

♪ It's a very fine line, babe ♪

♪ Between you and me ♪

♪ Between you and I ♪

Could you please state your name and occupation.

Lauren Gonzalez, assistant to the vice president

of marketing at Pacific Insurance.

You work for my client, correct?

Yes.

On the night of August 27th,

did he call you to his hotel suite

because his party was getting out of hand?

-Yes. -So you went there,

but you didn't leave the hotel right away?

No. After he stepped out of the party, he started having second thoughts

about ditching everyone, so we went down to the pool to decompress.

What did he mean when he said, "Whatever I'm paying you is not enough?"

It was his way of saying that I was going above and beyond

normal assistant duties.

What was beyond your normal assistant duties?

Listening to him, helping him work out his problems.

What kind of problems?

Nathan was having second thoughts.

[SIGHS]

About?

The wedding.

[VINTAGE TROUBLE'S "NOT ALRIGHT BY ME" PLAYING]

No further questions, Your Honor.

♪ Where the roads cross ♪

♪ And time stands still ♪

♪ I'm frozen in my tracks ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ Against my will ♪

I proved that wasn't the hooker in the pool.

You still had time to screw her.

Why didn't you tell me you were having second thoughts?

Janie, it's not you. I love you.

I just-- I look at the-- The men from your past:

musicians, surfers, Peter. I-- They live pretty exciting lives.

I was just questioning if I was--

Dude, come on. What are you talking about? You're a lot of fun.

Besides me, her old boyfriends were zeroes.

-Peter? -Sorry.

If you have significant doubts about our relationship,

you don't go to your young, semi-hot assistant.

1-You come to me. -No, Janie, you don't.

You go to your friends, because if you go to your fiancée,

she's gonna think the problem is her, and it's not.

But my friends were busy with a hooker

at a bachelor party I didn't wanna have.

[SIGHS]

Nathan, I'm not looking for exciting.

I just wanna come home to someone who's grounded and sane.

I want that to be you.

-Janie. -Hey, can I bum one of those?

Janie. Janie. It's been six months. You don't wanna start now.

When's the last time you two had sex?

Excuse me? Why--? Why would you ask me that?

Because she smokes after sex.

But she hadn't had a cigarette in six months.

Yeah, she just meant that-- She--

[SIGHS]

We cut ourselves off.

No sex six months before the wedding.

[LAUGHS]: Seriously?

It's the Hindu tradition of Brahmacharya.

-All right. -Abstinence allows us

to fully devote ourselves to spiritual transcendence.

I went on a tear before I met Janie.

I wasn't a sex addict. Well--

At least, I didn't think I was.

One morning, when I woke up

with three members of the Tiger Lily Valet Service,

-I decided it's time to slow down. -This is fantastic.

Takes a lot of discipline, but I feel like the reward is--

No. Dude. Come on.

[♪♪]

The circumstances surrounding Emily Claire's liaison

with Chris Briggs deserve special consideration.

This was merely a chance meeting between two adult strangers

on a beach over the summer

that ended with them becoming intimate.

We all loved Grease, right?

And besides, is there a single woman in this room

who would have turned down a drink from Chris Briggs?

You're out of line, Mr. Franklin Either defend your client,

-or call a witness. -Sure.

-I'd like to call a witness. -[DOOR OPENS]

Miss Rachel Dawson

is the bartender at Malibu Tavern.

Miss Dawson served the beverages

to Emily Claire and Chris Briggs.

Now, Rachel, did you witness Chris Briggs bring other women

-into your establishment? -Yes.

High-school students?

No. They appeared older.

I'd like you to look around at the people in this room.

Has anyone in this room, besides Emily Claire,

ever left your bar in the company of Chris Briggs?

Yes.

Someone did their homework.

Now, Rachel, I want you to think about this

before I ask you to name the person.

See, because this board is wooing a significant donor,

and your answer could jeopardize

a much-needed new library

-or Koi pond. -Enough. We've heard enough.

It's time to bring Emily's status to a vote.

This hearing is over.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Mr. Bash, do you have another witness today?

Your Honor, we'd like to call Janie Ross to the stand.

[WHISPERING] Trust me.

Miss Ross, can you tell the court your relation to Mr. Connor?

-I'm his fiancée. -Fiancée.

That's just French for "boyfriend," isn't it?

-We're getting married. -Uh-huh.

How long have you been two seeing each other?

-One year. -One year. Wow, that's quick.

That's almost a rebound.

Do you consider yourself a sexual woman?

Objection. Relevance.

Uh, this case is about sex, isn't it, Your Honor?

A short leash, Mr. Bash.

Um, I suppose I'm about average.

I suppose you forgot you're under oath.

I mean, you've had sex with men on the first date, right?

No. Yes.

Once.

Could you tell us please, in the past six months,

how many times have you had sex with your fiancé?

We haven't had sex in the last six months.

Really? How refreshing! Why is that?

After Nathan proposed, he wanted us to abstain

until we were married so that we could focus our energies

toward a deeper understanding.

Quick. That weekend in Big Bear?

Are you still asking me about this?

I've never had you under oath before.

They were real.

All of them.

-Oh, my God. -PETER: Miss Ross,

do you think someone who would abstain from sex

for six months to make his wife's wedding night special,

would throw it all away for an hour with a hooker?

No.

Uh, hold on a sec. Hold everything.

This is-- This is amazing.

From the arresting officer's report:

"Witness took 55 minutes to bring the suspect to orgasm."

Fifty-five minutes.

I mean, that is-- That is some impressive staying power

from someone who hasn't had sex in six months.

Whoever the real john was he shouldn't be hiding.

He should be bowing at the waist, right?

I guess so.

I mean, guys, right?

[APPLAUSE AND CHATTERING]

-Order! -PETER: Fifty-five minutes.

No further questions, Your Honor.

[♪♪]

It's clear that Chris Briggs

took advantage of Emily Claire in such a manner

that no reasonable person

would suspect that he was a student.

Therefore, the Board votes unanimously to reinstate Emily Claire.

[♪♪]

Thank you.

Oh, I'd like to leave a check for the Model UN.

Do me a favor. Don't cash it till Thursday.

Thank you so much.

Well, it's what I do.

Okay, you have to tell me. Who did Chris sleep with?

Oh. Sorry. I can't divulge that.

-Me. -It was her.

Um, but you said that he slept with one of the board members.

-You lied. -No, Jared said someone else

besides you in the room slept with Chris Briggs.

Punk never called me back. Just sent a text.

Yeah, what a charmer.

You in the mood to celebrate?

Um, I can't now. But, um, dinner later?

Dinner.

[♪♪]

Listen, I'm not gonna say that what we did see out there

was the Mongolian Death Worm, but something ate our camel.

Sorry. What was the question?

I was just asking, would Damien Karp be where he is if not for you?

No.

No. I mean, he'd be a fantastic partner somewhere.

Actually, the truth is,

I'm the beneficiary of the family connection.

Oh, Damien's a shark, but he's also very brilliant.

He's gonna make a fantastic judge one day.

Okay. Well, thanks for your time.

I wanna hear the end of that Mongolian Death Worm story sometime.

Okay. Alright. You know, Sony are trying to get Gary Oldman to play me.

Well, he should be so lucky.

Oh, I saw they recovered Gibson Hawke's body

-on Mount McKinley. -What?

Yeah. Apparently, those lost hikers stumbled on it,

and they brought the rescue team there.

That's gotta give you some closure. You finally know what happened.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ah! I love my not guiltys.

I'd say this calls for monk beers at The Cave?

Uh, Peter, I wish I could, but Janie and I have to talk.

Got until the end of today to cancel our reservation

-at the chapel and reception hall. -Seriously?

Just postponing it until we sort some stuff out.

Dude, listen to me. If this is your idea, you're an idiot.

I can tell by the way she looks at you.

Dude, I've looked into her eyes, and I'm telling you, she's yours.

All right? She needs someone stable, man,

not a guy who lives for Burning Man every year.

You found a great girl.

So don't overanalyze it or meditate over it.

Just, for once, use your damn gut

or other vital organ.

[CHUCKLES]

I love you, brother.

Ah! Not afraid of a man hug.

-No. -Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. There it is again. Okay.

[SIGHS] Dude?

You know what?

Maybe I will join you guys for beers at The Cave.

Door's always open.

[♪♪]

Wait.

So you talked him into marrying Janie?

That is very Casablanca of you.

Yeah, except I may regret it.

Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.

If it makes you feel any better, you were there first.

-Damn right. -Nothing can change that.

Nathan's, Nathan's working downstream.

Congratulations on your back-to-school day.

-Thank you. -What is it about high school

that still follows us around?

I don't know. As much as you try to prove

you're not that little insecure punk kid anymore,

he's still there, just tagging along.

-I'm gonna take it this time. -Alright, buddy.

-That was a good day. -Feel better.

Yeah? Hey, how was your dinner with Emily?

We didn't make it to dinner.

-Ow! -[LAUGHS]

-Yeah. -Good for you.

-That is good for me. -It is good for you.

I got one for you. Best bachelor-party movie ever?

-Okay. -Hangover.

-Yeah. -Bachelor Party.

-Okay. -Very Bad Things.

Very Bad Things is a chick flick.

Get over it. Those are the three. Pick.

Well, you know my rule:

Anything with mid-'80s Tawny Kitaen wins automatically.

-Mmm. -Tawny Kitaen.

-PETER: The Whitesnake video. -JARED: Yeah. Check.

-PETER: Done. -JARED: Check, please. Tawny Kitaen.

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ Such a vivid picture ♪

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ If I must say so myself ♪

♪ Oh, my, what a day Coming at me anyway ♪

♪ Everything I try to say Just comes out backwards ♪

♪ Overthinking, underreaching ♪

♪ Someone tells a joke I'm blinking ♪

♪ Nothing's All that's sinking in ♪