Original subtitles

[WILLIE WRIGHT'S "I'M SO HAPPY NOW" PLAYING]

-PETER: We need a temp. -JARED: No. We're not getting a temp.

-But Debbie's gone for three weeks. -But we don't do well with temps.

-Remember Mr. Spittle? -Yes.

-Ms. Litigious? -Okay.

Just promise me we can get someone like her.

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

Holy mother of--

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

-How do I look? -You got a poppy seed right there.

-What? -Hi. You look lost. Peter--

Peter Bash. And Jared Franklin.

I don't think we'd forget having met.

That's because you haven't, and you won't.

Yes, well, it's a shame that my niece

hasn't had time to meet you until now.

She's been safely ensconced at my home, away from you two.

LILY: I can see why.

Too bad I fly home to London tonight.

Well, stick around. London's not going anywhere.

Yes, but Lily is. Home to my sister.

Who will have me killed if she's not returned

in the same unsullied condition that she arrived in.

No way you two are from the same gene pool.

All right, if you'll excuse us,

I'm taking my cousin to lunch at The Grille.

Lily?

Right. Where are we going?

-The Grille. -Sure.

No.

STANTON: Eyes on me.

♪ We can't be divided ♪

♪ We can't be divided ♪

-PINDAR: You slept in late. -Huh?

It's noon. You slept in late.

Oh, yeah.

Have you seen my lightsabers?

-You own lightsabers? -I collect lightsabers.

-There is a difference. -Okay.

-Hey, Pindy. -What?

I just did something really stupid, and I need somebody to--

Ingest a bottle of painkillers? Diagnosed with a terminal illness?

Otherwise, it is not going to eclipse this crisis.

Oh, wait. I know where your lightsabers are.

-Where? -Jared and Peter took them.

Why?

JARED: No!

[♪♪♪]

Your bad-faith claims have gone unchecked for too long.

PETER: Join me, and together we'll rule the insurance galaxy.

Never.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, dude, my eye. My eye.

I'm holding you both in contempt.

Gentlemen, enjoy the next 48 hours in jail.

-Your Honor, that's-- -72 hours. Care to go for 96?

No, Your Honor.

Gotta get more business cards to hand out at county.

STURGESS: Wait, wait, wait.

I'm not gonna let you turn this into a business opportunity.

You will serve your sentence under house arrest. All right, leave.

Ah. Without the sabers.

Ow.

-She seems serious. -Great. Stuck at home.

What the hell are we gonna do?

♪ Bring it right To your back door ♪

♪ In an R-rated Benzo ♪

♪ Premier, West Mesh Your receipt on the side ♪

♪ With an R-rated Benzo ♪

♪ Shorty from the ghetto Ghetto ♪

♪ Got Benzo, got Benzo ♪

Whoa! Huh?

Go ahead. You want to show them? Show them.

What? Go around the world. This is a vacation.

♪ And turn And turn ♪

♪ And turn ♪

Looks like I found the spot.

-What are you doing? -You had a plane to catch.

Somebody told me there was always a party here.

Turns out they're right.

You know your uncle and our boss, they're not gonna be too happy.

Well, if you're not gonna get me a drink, then I'll just get my own.

-Coming right up. -Hey, you remember your last job?

What happened when you banged the senior partner's daughter?

-Yes, I was, uh, fired. -You were fired. That's right.

Because I did it in his office. This is our house.

Okay, but this boss isn't a douche. It's Infeld.

He's been good to us.

♪ Get up, get up ♪

JARED: You're gonna do it.

[PETE'S "MIXTURE" PLAYING]

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ Such a vivid picture ♪

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ If I must say so myself ♪

[♪♪♪]

[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

[CARMEN SIGHS]

[GASPS]

Dante?

I told you lock your windows in case there's an intruder.

-No more, Dante. -It was just not about sex for me.

I want something more. Something permanent.

Look, last night was one last time.

Dante, I'm on parole, okay? You're on parole.

We could both go back to jail for just talking.

Then let's stop talking.

Get out. We're not working together anymore.

-No more cons. -I'm going straight.

Like you. With you.

Not with me, Dante.

Look, we're through.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I know it's on ♪

CARMEN: Don't ever stop.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]

Let's say we call you Christmas and we'll call you Thanksgiving,

and later, we will spend some time between the holidays.

No? Kwanzaa? We can do whatever you want.

-Uh, Jared? -Yes?

The police have decided to pay us a visit.

And they've brought a dog with them.

Officer Munson, how goes it? How can I help you?

We got the call that someone's tether went beyond the approved perimeter.

No. Oh. I rolled the trash cans out to the curb.

-Curb's off limits. -Violated your house arrest.

How about I mix you guys a couple dozen margaritas

and we call it even?

[DOG GROWLS]

How about we search the place instead?

I'd say you need reasonable suspicion

in order to search without a warrant.

That's what you said the night we found you with the black-market whole milk.

When two women are pouring milk over each other,

you don't stop to ask if it's pasteurized, that's just rude.

[BARKING]

Take me there, boy. Go on.

♪ Rebel ♪

♪ Energy made ♪

♪ In a temple ♪

♪ Get it back into a hotel ♪

Someone's been avoiding me, and it's not Pindar,

who's shown me his entire set

of Lord of the Rings collectibles.

Look, if anyone other than Stanton was your uncle,

I'd be all over you. You'd have to beat me off with a stick.

Unless I wouldn't.

You're making this so hard.

That's why you have to leave.

LILY: You're actually kicking me out?

PETER: Consider your poor mother counting the minutes until your return,

or your uncle castrating me with a samurai sword.

Hey, that's my bag.

-What's going on, guys? -Oh, I don't know.

You tell us.

♪ And I'm standing up ♪

I am a moron.

Mm-hm.

[SIREN WAILS]

What the hell is that?

I don't know.

Damn. I gotta go.

-Yeah, I know. -I will be back. I promise.

Mm. A promise from a con man.

Hey. Your con man.

[♪♪♪]

Mm. Just go.

[♪♪♪]

Where the hell is Karp? I've left him 17 messages.

We gotta find someone else to post bail for Lily. She's been in jail all night.

No offence, but if you hadn't invited Lily in, none of this would have happened.

If someone hadn't brought a lightsaber into a courtroom,

we wouldn't be grounded.

There were two lightsabers.

Those were my lightsabers, Force FX Jedi, first edition.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Judge Sturgess is probably playing with them right now.

We need to get out of here.

[PHONE RINGS]

-Karp? -Yeah, finally.

-Hey. -PETER: Where are you?

Where am I? I'm on my way to Lily's arraignment.

-PETER [OVER SPEAKERPHONE]: Why? -She shows up at your place.

Now she's in jail. Connect the dots. I gotta call Stanton.

-PETER: No. -How about you putting his niece

in a cab to LAX instead of driving her there, huh?

That's a dot you can connect.

I'll call after Lily's arraignment.

It'd be great if you could visit Judge Sturgess,

get us a continuance on our insurance case.

You've got some balls.

-Thank you. -That's nice of you to say.

Who is that? What is she doing? She's touching things.

Oh, I'm Marla, your temp. I'm organizing.

No, you're the temp at the office.

Well, today, this is your office, so I'm organizing here.

Eh... It's already organized.

It's a variation of the Dewey Decimal system.

Sorry, I don't know the Dewey Decimal system.

Nobody knows. That's why we created the variation.

PETER: Gotta get this thing off.

A chunk of bologna, diameter of your ankle,

heated to 98.6 degrees might confuse the sensor.

We're out of bologna. You choose to be house-bound.

Embrace the walls, Peter. Let it wash over you.

-No, don't. That's my cereal. -Oh.

-It was perfect. -Sorry.

Where were you last night?

Did you split? Because stuff happened.

Aliens landed.

Took Pindar's genitals back to their spaceship for research.

Oh, really? That's great.

-Heh. -Somebody partied too much.

-Hangover. -MARLA: Mm-mm.

Bangover.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, Dante may have visited last night and the night--

Dante? Are you out of your mind?

Are you working together?

No, he left. Look, I'm sorry, okay?

I just-- I couldn't help myself.

It's just that our sex is so amazing

that whenever I see him again, I want more.

I can't stop the craving.

All right. All right, we've all been there.

PETER: Okay, let's focus on Lily.

Well, Dante knows where we live. I'll be focusing on that for now.

♪ Only way of getting Wrong attention ♪

Your Honor, this is Miss Garrett's first arrest.

She is currently at King's College at the University of London,

where she is considered by all to be a model citizen.

Impressive. But she's also charged with possession of marijuana.

I'm horrified at what's occurred and can only express my sincere apologies.

Save it. I don't care what the voters say.

I take these charges seriously. I've seen firsthand from this bench

what the effect of prolonged use of marijuana can do to a person.

We're concerned about the defendant being a flight risk. Her flight home--

She missed it last night, and hasn't rescheduled.

And it won't be. The court will take possession

of Miss Garrett's passport.

-Of course. -Damien,

between the UK's Misuse of Drugs Act from 1971

and the follow-up Drugs Act of 2005,

marijuana possession is considered Class C.

Shut up.

At least I think you're an adequate lawyer.

-Heh. Gonna make me blush. -We'll take it from here.

Miss Garrett will be allowed to post bail.

Assuming I grant bail.

Your Honor, you can't deny bail on a simple possession.

I don't need a lecture on the law from you, son.

Where would you stay?

7045 Orange Avenue, Los Angeles.

No. 1453 Gareth in Silver Lake.

Peter Bash's house?

Miss Garrett should be required to stay at my home.

-Stay with me. -I can't with my medical condition.

-What condition? -Severe allergy to boredom.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

I was bringing the pot to my friend Lizzie.

She's suffering through chemo in London.

You were going to smuggle it through LAX?

Unbelievable. Do you realize how much trouble you're in?

I spent the night in jail, Damien.

But it could be worse. I left my purse

in Pindar's room last night. They didn't get my pot muffins.

-I could mail them to Lizzie-- -Are you crazy?

You know what? I'll take those. I got them.

-I got it. -What the hell?

Is she living here too?

Look, why not just buy the cannabis in London?

UK pot isn't nearly as effective as California home-grown.

-That's what I'm talking about. -I filed a certificate of analysis.

Requiring the prosecution to test the marijuana they know is marijuana?

It is standard opening-defense posture

-in a marijuana-possession case. -Uh, for the clueless.

You're opening yourself up to a left hook.

Please. I know what I'm doing.

This is our wheelhouse. If we get out of here,

we'd go all Franklin and Bash on them.

Do you always refer to yourselves in the third person?

Franklin and Bash think you should leave.

-Stay at my house. -Not a chance.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

It's not me.

It's me.

Uh... Hey, Stanton. How you doing?

Jared, how's house arrest treating you boys?

Uh... Inconvenient. What's up with you?

I want two of this. One of this.

And this, you can tell the weaver to apologize to the sheep.

-What? -Jared, Charles Anitel.

He's bringing in an intellectual-property case.

A competitor is launching a new video game called "666."

It steals from his "Satan's Vision" series.

I know it. Yeah, first-person shooter. You're trying to escape from hell.

It's good training to have for the future.

Well, I need a tutorial.

Okay. Well, we're in the office on Friday.

Oh, no. Friday, that's too late. I'm coming over now.

-Ooh. But, uh-- -Don't do anything special.

A nice tropical-fruit plate would be lovely, sans the mango.

-See you in a few. -Wait. Stanton, what's a few?

Is that English for an hour, because that would be-- Stanton? Hello? Hello?

-Stanton's on his way. -Today's not gonna be a good day.

CARMEN: You got that right.

Dante left this behind.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

PETER: There's 100 grand here.

Dante left $100,000 in your room?

Carmen, you have got to show me what you do in bed.

It'll be platonic.

The second he got out of prison, he must have picked up money

they never found from his last job.

Let me say that keeping stolen money here

-is grounds for all our arrests. -So return it to the authorities.

And when the ex-con with previous convictions for assault

shows up for his money, we can explain we gave it to the police.

-We have to return it. -Yeah.

I'm not gonna put him back in prison.

Your psychological disorder associating him

with sexual gratification is going to put us in jail.

-PETER: Look, we have to do something-- -STANTON: Knock-knock. Hello.

Ah! Pindar. Oh. This is the first time I've seen you

-not on a flat-screen or a laptop. -PINDAR: Excuse the mess.

Oh, no worries. Reminds me of a summer

I spent in south of France with the Stones.

I was so surprised Charlie was the slob.

[JARED & PINDAR LAUGHING]

-Good story. How you doing? Please. -Well, I'm very relieved

that my niece is off this continent.

[WILLIE WRIGHT'S "IN THE BEAUTY OF THE NIGHT" PLAYING]

-Close call. -Yeah.

Could be closer.

Lily, your uncle, my boss, are in this house.

I know.

Where do you stand on danger sex?

I'm a proponent.

So am I.

♪ We're here together ♪

♪ Just you and me ♪

♪ Searching through Our sounds ♪

I don't know what I was thinking.

I'm sorry?

How many times has Dante told me he'd come back and didn't?

Right. I see the sex fog has lifted.

Oh, yeah.

I don't think a person just leaves a hundred grand.

He's gonna come back for it.

-And for you, of course. -Whatever. It's okay.

Because if he really cared anything about me,

then he wouldn't have left the first two times.

[♪♪♪]

-I'm over him. -But I don't think he's over you.

I think he's walking around in his own bangover

and then he'll come to his senses.

That's really sweet of you to say,

but honestly, I hope he doesn't.

Because I am not gonna have sex

for a very long, long, long time.

Welcome to my snow globe, Carmen.

♪ I know it's on ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I got it.

♪ One touch... ♪

Hi. We need to talk to Jared Franklin or Peter Bash.

Jared, it's for you.

Officers.

We haven't even been outside.

Yeah, we know. We're here to question Carmen Phillips.

-It's concerning an old friend of hers. -About what?

Phone records showing she's spoken and texted Dante

since his release from prison.

-Which is a major parole violation. -Well, as Carmen's lawyer,

I'm gonna have to see complete records

of these so-called phone calls.

MUNSON: Also have a search warrant for the premises.

Search for what?

Money that Dante conned from retirees in Scottsdale.

We have reason to believe

Miss Phillips may be hiding it for him.

MUNSON: Guys.

[♪♪♪]

-OFFICER: Clear. -PETER: What?

-JARED: You're an idiot. -Heh. No one's ever gonna know.

Except maybe them.

What the hell? What the hell?

They think Carmen is hiding money.

So maybe the naked cowboy

could put his little pick away and come help out?

MUNSON: Okay, do you have any more relevant information?

-What the hell is going on? -Hey, thanks for coming.

Get her out of here.

[laughs] No, no, no. I'm taking you home.

-I already have a mother. -Oh, yeah?

What would she say if she knew that your future legal career may be ruined?

And what are you doing? This thing with Peter?

Okay, this is a terrible environment. You're coming with me. Let's go.

No, it's okay, guys. Just let me do it.

Carmen-- So I found something yesterday.

Right. Which we would report,

but then, you know, you guys showed up so we--

-What? -Uh...

This paint can--

[♪♪♪]

Yeah?

The paint that was used in this storage cabinet, it was...

This is all lead-based.

Which, uh, is an obvious health hazard

-to any passing toddler. -Yeah.

-Don't waste our time. -JARED: Just didn't want...

Sorry, officers. You be careful out there.

What happened?

JARED: Find anything? Three hundred rolls of

"We've got your back, Franklin and Bash" toilet paper.

Two-ply. Downy soft.

MUNSON: Pallet of goat food.

Thanks for reminding me that my goat died in my arms.

But no money.

Uh, no.

Of course not. So Carmen can stay?

No. We got her on multiple parole violations.

-What are you talking about? -Is that even necessary?

-She'll be downtown. -PETER: Stay cool.

-We'll get you out. -Don't talk to anybody.

I know. Not my first prom.

Stay.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Ah, Damien. I just got a call from Lily's mother.

-She wasn't on the flight. -Yeah, right.

-You knew about that. -No. Knew about what?

Just Lily missed her flight.

But you told me that you got her to the airport in plenty of time.

I got tied up on the McClatchy depo--

-You put her in a cab? -No.

-Car service. -Where is Lily now?

She's at my house and I'm gonna get her

on the first flight to London in the morning.

I swear, if she's not in the air first thing--

-Everything is gonna be fine. -Kids.

So I suppose

-you'll want children someday? -Yes, very much.

My chances of siring any more offspring are practically nil

since that bull trampled on my left stone in Pamplona.

Heh, heh. But I got even with the beast.

I grabbed hold of his oyster sac, and he pulled me off at 60 meters.

Okay, that never happened.

It's on YouTube.

I'm gonna call the travel agent. I'll make sure that Lily's got a plane--

Yes, you do that. Hey. No surprises.

Otherwise, it'll be your stones underneath my boot heel.

Great.

[♪♪♪]

PETER: Thank you very much.

Filed the 995 motion to dismiss Carmen's case.

JARED: Great. What did you two do to this bathroom?

Look at you. Citing penal code sections and everything.

-What are you doing here? -That's a nice greeting.

You can't break up with me, get engaged,

and then come by my house with a bribe from my favorite bakery.

This isn't your house. It's a crime scene

in a case that I'm prosecuting.

Well, we have a strong search-and-seizure argument.

They didn't have a warrant when they entered.

Exigent circumstances. They didn't need one.

So where is Mary Poppins?

With her cousin, freaked out.

Worried that her future's completely screwed.

She's attractive. If you go for that whole

smart-ass-Brit kind of thing.

And I don't.

You slept with her.

Is this part of your crime-scene investigation?

Peter, you just met her.

Janie, we had sex during our first date.

-Give me the muffins. -No.

-Ugh. -I don't expect you to go easy on Lily,

but going hard on her--

-Don't tell me how to do my job. -Never.

-Hey, thanks for the sweets. -Whatever.

Slut.

♪ It's something That your heart beats for ♪

[QUADRON'S "AVERAGE FRUIT" PLAYING]

Thank you.

What are you doing?

I am trying to find somebody to scare up bail money.

Scare some up for us too. We are hiding evidence. What is he doing?

Pindar, sit down. You're making me nervous.

Don't tell me to sit down.

Dante's probably on his way to get Carmen and his money,

and we don't have either.

You're making a nice target standing in the window.

After weighing possible germ exposure outside

against possible brain damage from Dante inside,

I feel well enough to leave the premises. Gonna go pack.

Oh, come on. Nut up, Pindy. Carmen needs us.

Don't forget Lily. I gotta get out of here.

Policemen have no respect for personal property.

Okay, Marla, stop cleaning.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You don't have to clean every single little room in the--

[♪♪♪]

Did you clean the storage cabinet in the back?

-Yeah. -What about the paint cans?

I was gonna drop them at the toxic-materials pickup on Saturday.

-You have the cans. -Yeah.

Marla, you're awesome.

-They're at my house. -You should go get them.

-Go get them. -Yeah.

-PETER: Right now. You should go home. -Oh, okay.

Yeah. Great job.

-JARED: Go get those cans. -We'll have you sign a waiver

with the kiss. Everything's great.

Yes. I feel better. I feel better now.

Ah. I can breathe. You want to play some "Madden?"

-That would be nice. -If it ain't Ren and Stimpy.

-Yeah, what's up? -Hey, Dante. How you doing?

-Where's Carmen? -She's been arrested.

-Damn it. -JARED: The cops knew you called her.

That's a parole violation. She's in county.

-This is my fault. -JARED: You think? Ahem.

I didn't say that out loud. That was just a thought. It slipped out--

I know you don't like me with Carmen, but I've changed.

Now help me get her out. I'll pay you. I got money.

-No, you-- -No, you know what?

It would be best if you turned yourself in.

Not an option. I left my backpack here.

-All right. -It's not here.

He's not going to find it. He's gonna be pissed.

-Where is it? -Now he's happy.

Uh, it's not here. But we could take you to it.

-Yeah. -Where?

In an industrial park in Santa Clarita.

Yeah. And we'll take you there.

Then take me.

-Okay. -Okay.

[♪♪♪]

From the second I first saw Carmen at the Grove, I knew she was the one.

So you stole her money and credit cards.

But I returned her purse. That's how I knew it was love.

I wanna start a life with her.

PETER: There are some pensioners in Arizona

that are not sharing your happiness.

In my business, you got to learn to compartmentalize.

How long we been driving?

Fifteen minutes. Seems longer.

-DANTE: Where are we going? -WOMAN [ON GPS]: Right turn.

The GPS says make a right.

-What the hell are you doing? -Ow.

What the hell are you doing? Eyes front.

Pull over.

[♪♪♪]

Get out. Where's my money? You got it or not?

-PETER: Okay. Okay. -Yeah, but it's not here.

Look, Dante, there's only one way to get Carmen back.

How?

We can get your sentence knocked down to a year if you turn yourself in.

Once you get out, you'll get Carmen for good.

You want to run or you want Carmen? You can't have both.

PETER: Those sirens are getting louder because they're coming here.

You ever wear one of these?

[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]

Did you set me up?

Whoa, whoa. Dante, come on.

Are you the same guy, or are you a changed man?

How do I know you're just not conning me?

You don't. But we have a plan. You want to hear it or not?

JARED: Say yes, Dante.

I want to hear it too.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Hands in the air.

Going out for drive-thru's a violation?

We got to eat. You all want some fries?

[DOOR OPENS]

PINDAR: What happened? You guys okay?

Well, Dante's at large,

and we got an additional two days of house arrest.

More bad news.

There are no Infeld Daniels attorneys available

to handle Carmen's violation hearing tomorrow.

-Did you ask everybody? -Twice.

Deaver's got jury duty. Harmon's got a gallbladder procedure.

And Hanna's visiting her mother in Los Gatos.

But there is one Infeld Daniels attorney

that you haven't called.

-He's tall, dark, neurotic. -Mm-hm.

No.

Think of the times Carmen saved your ass.

JARED: They can put her in jail for years.

No, no, no, don't do this to me or to Carmen.

We'll fill you up with references.

Fill your briefcase with hand sanitizers.

Marla will drive you door-to-door.

I need my medication. I'm out of medication.

Stop using your meds as a crutch. You can do this.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[WILLIE WRIGHT'S "I'M SO HAPPY NOW" PLAYING]

[GROANS]

[RETCHES]

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

We may have taken a step backwards with Lily's certification demand.

What happened? The police tested the marijuana

and discovered it was marijuana?

They found something hidden in the lining of Lily's travel bag.

I purchased a quantity of cannabis lozenges.

Lozenges are weighed by their total candy weight.

KARP: So her possession charge has now gone

from six ounces to three pounds.

Possession becomes intent to sell.

And possible chance of probation becomes a long shot.

I really stepped in it, didn't I?

[QUADRON'S "AVERAGE FRUIT" PLAYING]

♪ Down at the counter In his working suit ♪

-PETER: Got everything? -LILY: Yes.

You look great. Okay?

-We're late. -Don't antagonize Janie.

-It'll only make things worse. -Janie?

-The DA, his ex. -LILY: Really?

Would have been helpful to have known that.

Doesn't matter. It's over. She's engaged.

As fascinated as I am by your love life with my flesh and blood,

I'm just gonna go focus on the case. I'll be in the car.

Why would she care? Is she jealous?

No.

Maybe a little. Wait, Karp. Wait.

Actually, you do want to hear about my love life.

♪ It's something That your heart beats for ♪

Mr. Singh. Mr. Singh, I said, are you ready?

I am, Your Honor. Thank you for asking.

Ms. Phillips, could you please tell us the number of times

you had sex with Mr. Dante Cole?

And, please, don't leave out any details.

Leave out the details, Ms. Phillips. We're fine.

-Four. -Four times.

The second night. And four times the first night.

Hm. Why would you have sex

with a man you were ordered to have no contact with?

Well, I guess sometimes your body fights your mind

when you know that the man you hate is also

the best sex that you've ever had.

PINDAR: Let me be clear on this.

You're saying that your physical need for Dante Cole

rendered you incapable of rational thought.

-In effect, you weren't conscious. -Objection. Counsel is testifying.

If he asked a question, we could hear from the defendant--

We have no jury, Mr. Nelson,

so we're just gathering up the facts.

-You can relax. -Yeah. Relax.

Please continue.

I, um...

You know, I can't give you the chemistry of it, but, yeah.

No further questions.

How you doing, Pindy?

PINDAR [OVER SPEAKER]: I'm lovely. How are you and Jared?

We're doing great. How you doing there?

I'm calling our sex doctor next, but it's basically just a stall tactic.

Still no word from your surprise witness.

-PETER: Pindar, you doing okay? -Yeah, I'm absolutely fabulous, Peter.

That's great. See, you didn't need the meds. You just needed to sac up.

Yes, I guess it did take some testicular fortitude to eat the muffins.

I've never tried Mary Jane before,

and I am now a strong advocate of medicinal marijuana.

-What? -The muffins.

They were in the kitchen. I ate them this morning

just to help with my anxiety.

Pindy, I threw out the pot muffins.

[WHISPERING] They're in the garage freezer.

[♪♪♪]

-What? -PETER: You must have eaten the muffins

that Janie bought. At the bakery.

JARED: This is huge, buddy. This is a breakthrough.

You did it on your own.

Sir?

Calling us back in.

[♪♪♪]

Defense counselor would like to request a continuance

due to a medical emergency involving the defense counselor.

Objection. We're in the middle of a hearing.

What is wrong with you? We're both just people.

What is the medical emergency, Mr. Singh?

Excessive internal vomiting.

It's a reaction to my medication.

Mr. Singh was fine 15 minutes ago.

Yeah, denied. I've seen this movie.

I know that you're under the employ of Franklin and Bash, Mr. Singh.

-Not gonna work. -Fine.

I would like to call a witness.

Her name is Dr. Betsy Meyerson,

and she is a certified sex doctor.

[♪♪♪]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Dr. Meyerson, let's talk about secretions, sex.

Sex secretions during sex.

Well, during sex, the human body can produce

astronomical amounts of adrenaline, cortisol,

dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin,

vasopressin and prolactin.

-That is a lot of mojo. -NELSON: Objection.

Do we really need to listen--?

I wasn't objecting during any of your questions.

STURGESS: Mr. Singh?

Uh-uh.

Sorry.

[♪♪♪]

Lily will accept three years' probation and 1000 hours

of pro bono legal services under the supervision of Peter Bash.

Mr. Bash has offered his home so he can keep a close eye on her.

HARPER: I think it's too lenient.

But if Ms. Ross is comfortable,

I'll reluctantly go along with it.

I look forward to working under Peter Bash. A lot.

We're concerned that the defendant's behavior

will continue if she stays in Los Angeles.

Eh-- We'd hate to keep her away

from her friend suffering through chemotherapy.

We'll agree to the deal, provided Miss Garrett leaves Los Angeles forthwith

and doesn't return to the United States for 10 years.

-Ten years? -Okay.

She'll need a few days to get her affairs in order.

We can get her on the next available flight.

Even better. Listen to me. This is a great deal.

Okay, the DA has you dead to rights.

If she wants, she can push this to trial,

and you could go to jail.

All right. I'll take it.

I think there's a 6 p.m. leaving LAX to Heathrow.

Actually, there's one at 3:00 this afternoon.

I'll be your driver. No detours.

HARPER: Well, Stanton Infeld in my courtroom.

This day keeps getting better.

Oh, it's a thrill for me as well, Your Honor.

If I were you, I'd get my pot-smoking niece out

before I change my mind about her deal.

Heh. You know, I got him off a public-indecency charge

30 years ago. You'd think he could be a little more civil.

Oh, you've been a naughty girl.

Damien, well done. You're a credit to this family.

Oh, speaking of family, I've got to convince my sister

to cancel that hit man that she ordered.

Oh, you think I'm joking? No.

No. You only lied to her once, dear.

I've been lying to her for three days.

Come on.

[♪♪♪]

Dr. Meyerson, what you're saying

is that Carmen Phillips is a rational adult

who knowingly violated the rules of her parole

due to her addiction to the shuddering, sweat-soaked orgasms

in unmentionable-- Unmentionable positions?

-No, I didn't say that. -Were you thinking it?

Mr. Singh is not seriously arguing

that Ms. Phillips' orgasm was so intense,

so pleasurable, as to form some sort of addiction?

DANTE: Yeah, he is.

[♪♪♪]

And if you want, we can prove it.

-What took you so long? -Who are you?

-Dante Cole. Carmen's boyfriend. -STURGESS: Bailiff.

Your Honor, permission to approach the bench.

Granted. You don't have to yell. I'm right here.

I would like to propose a deal.

If the DA frees Carmen, then Dante agrees to release the money

in exchange for a lighter sentence

and five minutes with my client before he's taken to jail.

We will accept the deal as soon as the money is in our possession.

It sounds reasonable.

I suppose this is when you'll tell us if we let Mr. Cole go,

he'll go and bring back the money.

No. The prosecution already has the cash, $100,000.

-No, we don't. -Yes, you do.

NELSON: Miss Phillips is so clearly--

It's in that briefcase right there.

This better not be one of your Franklin-and-Bash stunts.

-I'm not in the mood. -It's not, Your Honor.

NELSON: Whoa.

It appears to be $100,000.

-Then I will accept the deal. -Thank you.

STURGESS: You're welcome. Bailiff, five minutes.

[PINDAR COUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

Thank you.

The second I get out, I'm coming for you.

Dante, look, we're through.

[CHUCKLES]

That's why you got out the game.

You are a terrible liar.

♪ Will they know my name? ♪

Okay, portal out, people. Show's over.

♪ Look at the mess we've made ♪

BAILIFF: Come on.

♪ It's not a permanent stay ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ It's like ♪ ♪ But it's worth it, I guess ♪

Oh. Inhale the freedom. It is a beautiful thing.

-Whoo. It is great to get out. -Oh. Heh, heh.

-You want to sit outside? -Hell, no.

Good.

Let me ask you.

Can a bangover really apply to men?

Because I can't think of any sex with any woman

that I wouldn't want to repeat as many times as possible.

I don't know. I think it can. I mean, if you really love the girl,

sex can be a drug. It'll mess you up.

Did you have that feeling with Lily?

No. It was great, though.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, you get one day on a deserted island with ScarJo,

and it's a total all-you-can-stomach sex buffet.

But?

But no sex with anyone else for the next five years.

-That's a no-brainer. -You'd do it?

-Absolutely. -How you figure?

A ScarJo bangover would last at least two years,

maybe three years, if there was cuddling.

So three years done, and then the next two years

I could download the experience.

Other than calluses, I don't see an obstacle.

-I didn't think big-picture. -You don't think about it.

In fact, I would consider

swearing off sex for the rest of my life

-for one night with Scarlett. -That's crazy talk.

I am a crazy man.

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ Such a vivid picture ♪

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ If I must say so myself ♪

♪ Oh, my, what a day Comin' at me anyway ♪

♪ Everything I try to say Just comes out backwards ♪

♪ Overthinkin' Underreachin' ♪

♪ Someone tells a joke I'm blinkin' ♪

♪ Nothing's all That's sinkin' in ♪