Original subtitles

-You there, Tokyo? -MAN: Yeah. Tokyo here.

-Cairo, you hear me? -MAN 2: Cairo rules!

-Los Angeles is in the house. -All right, let's do it.

This time don't put the grenade launcher

-under the garage. -Yeah, yes.

Says the soldier who kills his own.

Lie down next to the doorway. All right, hotshots?

-Come on, let's do this. -Let's do it, L.A.

-Come on. -Let's do this.

-ALL: Oh! -No, no, no! Hey!

-What happened? -We're down.

What happened? What are you doing? I got kicked offline.

-What were you doing? -Were you messing with the Internet?

I was just IM'ing with a friend.

And updating my profile and writing an Evite.

For the party in your pants?

-How dare you? I'm gonna call Gene. -Don't call Gene, all right?

Just call the Heroes of Tech. They're good.

Those guys are plumbers.

Our system doesn't talk to the tower. Even I can't fix it.

Only Gene Toy can keep us on the grid.

Guys, I think I'm gonna take off.

-No, come on. Hold on. -JARED: What?

-You got somewhere to be? -I'm gonna head out too.

Come on, just stick around. We'll play Beer Jenga.

Yeah, come on, you guys. Come on. Don't.

[♪♪♪]

If you leave, we'll be alone with each--

[♪♪♪]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Maybe it'll come back on.

[PETE'S "MIXTURE" PLAYING]

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ Such a vivid picture ♪

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ If I must say so myself ♪

I optimized bandwidth last week. I don't understand.

Streaming porn, music and live-action gaming,

you need the bandwidth for the Vegas hotel.

-It's the gaming. -It's not the gaming.

Definitely the gaming.

Gene Toy. How you been, man?

I've been doing some stuff in Joshua Tree.

I went on a vision quest and had sex for 12 straight hours

on a mountaintop in Joshua Tree once.

I would've kept going,

but we were surrounded by coyotes.

Is any of that true?

I went to Joshua Tree once.

Everything cool now?

No. I'm moving to Chicago.

What?

Whoa! You cannot move to Chicago.

-What about your own business? -You can't abandon your dream.

-Or us. -Sorry. It's out of my hands.

This guy accused me of stealing meat from his market.

I didn't, but that doesn't matter in Chinatown.

I know all about C-town. It's all Triad and black rain.

-Black rain was in Japan. -Yeah.

When you're accused in Chinatown, you're shunned.

There's no future for me here.

That sucks.

I'm sorry. I can't reprogram your grid.

It takes too many man-hours I don't have,

and I gotta pack. I'm sorry.

-All right. -We understand, man. Just--

Wow! Sorry.

Sorry you can't do what we--

[♪♪♪]

I wanna play games.

Good morning, everyone. Two new cases today.

A former assistant at Stirred is coming in,

claiming that she was fired for being, get this,

-too attractive. -Stirred? What--?

It's a luxury and lifestyle magazine.

It's for men, so you haven't heard of it.

Really? You wanna go there, Mr. Mani-And-Pedis- On-Saturdays?

STANTON: Um, and second,

the wife of one of our biggest clients

has been cited for public urination

-outside of a Red Lobster. -Oh, there you go.

That's got Franklin and Bash all over it.

-We'll take the Stirred case. -DAMIEN: Okay. Okay, sure.

I've seen the plaintiff. It's a solid case.

But I don't know that you two newbies--

-Did he call us noobs? -Yeah.

That you two newbies have the bag to go up against

the magazine's founder, Big Mack.

Actually, it's his daughter Katherine

that's running it now. Very sexy.

I'd like to see her in the swimsuit issue.

We'll take the case, and we'll win it.

-Ah! Good. -There is no way.

-I guarantee it. -Wanna put some money on it?

-Ooh! -Yeah.

I've seen you eyeballing our ginormous office.

-It's almost too big for us. -Just the two of us.

My contract stipulates I get the second largest office,

so, technically, that office is already mine.

And yet, I bring in twice the business you do.

Our double-wide office for that sweet guitar in yours.

Not the Gretsch White Falcon I got you from Jack White?

No, no, no, you're crazy. Don't.

[IN BABY VOICE] You wanna give up the present from your uncle?

I'm sorry, what were you saying about bag?

[♪♪♪]

-Deal. -All right.

-Did you get that? All right. -[LAUGHS]

We need somebody to replace Gene Toy.

We shouldn't have had Pindar cobble together that grid.

Could lose our right to host Killzone marathons.

It's like losing the Olympics.

I say we go to Chinatown, have lunch,

check the scene of the crime, see if we can help Gene out.

-RECEPTIONIST: That's them. -Excuse me.

Um, I'm here to meet my attorneys.

-Ah, it's... -Red Lobster.

Oh, Allure by Chanel.

I'm Jennifer Putnam from Stirred.

You're claiming Stirred magazine fired you

because you were too hot?

Wow, that's not my word exactly,

but, well, thank you. Yes.

[♪♪♪]

Would you excuse us?

-Karp. Hey! -No. Hey, yo!

-What are you doing? -We need to talk.

JARED: Hey, stop walking.

You knew she wasn't pretty.

Depending on the time. She's last-call pretty.

-Yeah, in Alaska. -The bet is off.

You made a verbal commitment to win the case, so suck it.

Uh, you have awoken the bear, my friend!

WOMAN: It depends on the past work.

-[SIGHS] -Ladies.

-Hi. -Hi.

As assistant to the publisher,

what were your responsibilities?

To answer Katherine's phone, keep her schedule,

and help plan events,

like this weekend's mega-fundraiser.

Did she ever say to you

you were "too beautiful" to work there?

No, she didn't have to.

The amount of attention I received

from the men in the office was overwhelming.

I'm sure.

But we're gonna need specifics.

Oh, well, they swarmed around my desk,

held doors for me, followed me off the elevator.

Is that specific enough?

Oh. You're really staring at me.

It's hard not to.

-Have you ever modeled? -And gotten paid for it?

If you walk through this world knowing you're beautiful,

other people will know it too.

Okay, so, I'll write no.

If you want, sure.

Ah, what do the other women in the office look like?

They're what I'd call traditionally attractive.

I'm sort of an exotic bird at Stirred.

Got it. We'll take a ride to the office later,

and see if there's any shot at a settlement.

Oh, I don't wanna settle.

Sorry? Hmm?

I want my day in court.

This isn't just about my job. This is big.

I'm the Norma Rae of beautiful women.

-Okay, well, that'll do it. -Yeah.

We need to confer to see

if we're gonna decide to take your case.

This is gonna be great.

Who knows? We could be in this to the Supreme Court.

[CHUCKLES]

-This... -JENNIFER: There's a chance.

-Sure. -There is.

I can't tell if Jennifer's delusional

or has the most inflated self-esteem ever.

I thought they were the same.

"Your strength and endurance are legendary with oral sex."

-I do the punch lines. -No, it says that.

-You should eat there more often. -I know.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

-Excuse me. -Sorry.

What's up? Thank you.

[CHOPPING]

[JARED LAUGHS]

Behind you!

We're, uh-- Ho-ho-ho.

You all right? We're looking for Mr. Han.

Dad, there's some guys here to see you.

Hey.

PETER: He stole a rabbit?

-May I help you? -We represent Gene Toy,

and take that down because he hasn't been charged

and it's defamatory.

It's my store. I do things my way.

Okay, sir, what exactly are you accusing him of?

Stuffing a frozen rabbit down his pants.

Who hasn't accidentally done that?

[LAUGHS]

I'm sure he had every intention of paying for the rabbit.

He had no receipt.

Gene Toy steals from my store, he steals from my family.

[♪♪♪]

Know what I'm thinking?

Force Han to take down these signs?

-Absolutely. -Sorry.

But right now?

-Palate cleanser. -Yeah.

Okay.

[♪♪♪]

-Oh! -Here you go, gentlemen.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

We weren't gonna get any work done.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm-hmm.

Mr. Franklin, Mr. Bash.

Her claim is unusual,

considering the other women who work here.

So I'd like to make this quick and easy for everyone.

-We're all ears. -Jennifer drops the lawsuit,

and we provide her a glowing recommendation letter.

No mention she was terminated.

Wow! So your settlement offer

is a promise not to be mean to her.

Jennifer Putnam wasn't good at her job.

That's why she was fired.

Our client disagrees with you.

She's never been fired before

and got glowing reviews from her past supervisors

here at Stirred.

I was her most recent supervisor.

These are performance memos from August on.

I know we can come to a quick resolution.

Hey! How's it going over here?

Dad, I got this.

Can we meet Big Mack? Can we just say hi?

Shake the hand of the man-- You're just gonna walk away?

It's nothing. Don't worry.

Big Mack. Big Mack!

-Don't do that. -No?

Next time in the end zone, act like you've been there.

I never have, not like this.

Holy sh-- Give me a minute.

[♪♪♪]

Uh, not many women feel comfortable

holding eye contact for more than three seconds.

A less worldly man might consider that predatory.

Your accent is wonderful.

-I bet I can tell where you're from. -Ah, impossible, darling.

Any hometown inflection has been watered down

by 30 hard years in Santa Monica.

[CHUCKLES] I hear Dartmoor

and University of Liverpool.

[♪♪♪]

Do I know you?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh!

What a lovely young woman.

[♪♪♪]

None of these memos are true.

Katherine had it in for me

because I turned down surgery.

Oh, the Stirred benefits package

includes plastic surgery.

Katherine says everyone has room for improvement.

And you don't agree with that?

No. I'm fortunate.

This package has gotten me very far in life.

I just remembered we're supposed to call another client.

Jennifer, could you give us a moment, please?

Oh, I get it, lawyer-client privilege.

-That is so cool. -[ALL CHUCKLING]

-[CHUCKLES] -Thank you.

-We gotta get out of this. -How?

It's just always hard to dump a girl.

But the quicker you do it, the less painful.

-The quicker I do it? -You need more practice.

No. Infeld will be pissed, Karp will get our office,

and you and I will be defending women who pee outside Red Lobster.

-Come in. -Is this a joke?

Infeld's going around calling her captivating.

She wasn't fired for being beautiful.

She was fired for not being pretty enough.

She was discriminated against,

but not for the reason she thinks.

That's a case we can win.

Good luck telling Little Miss Sunshine.

Oh, good Lord. Grow a pair.

Hit her with the facts and rip off the scab.

[♪♪♪]

-I have a pair. -[PHONE RINGS]

Great. We get to tell a woman who feels beautiful

that the rest of the world doesn't even notice her--

Peeing outside of Red Lobster, nowhere near school zone.

-We fight this. -Right.

Hi, I'm Jenn. You know what?

I was gonna get that same dress,

but the fabric was a little itchy.

-We would have been twins. -[CHUCKLES]

I hope someone's complimented you,

because you look so absolutely fabulous.

Thank you. Uh, Hanna.

Nice meeting you.

Jennifer, we know that a jury--

Well, I should say,

we've tried a lot of cases,

and we think--

JARED: As we move forward,

you should-- We should, um...

Peter?

JENNIFER: Guys.

-Heads in the game, okay? -PETER: Okay.

We're gonna take your case

because we agree that you were fired...

For being too beautiful and we're gonna prove it.

We're gonna win.

"We're gonna win" on three.

PETER: Okay. Come on.

We're gonna win.

-In one, two. -One, two...

-We're gonna win. -Yeah.

We're gonna win.

-Yeah. I know. -Yeah, certainly.

Stirred sees it as a termination case.

Jennifer disputes the performance memos.

And she has a history at this job

and others of being competent and responsible.

Her face isn't even symmetrical, people.

Beauty is based on symmetry.

My face? Perfectly symmetrical.

Had it professionally analyzed.

You can't talk for the rest of the day.

What am I to do? We're still offline.

That's all you've got?

Insulting our client or firing up porn?

Not a big reader.

Stirred sells the cool bachelor's life.

What if we sell back?

Like The Emperor Has No Clothes.

Yeah. We make them define beauty.

Gene Toy.

-JARED: Gene Toy! -Gene.

-Feeling injunctively relieved? -No.

Get your asses down here. I wanna show you something. Now!

[♪♪♪]

He just yelled at me.

[♪♪♪]

-Whoa! -What is this?

Am I really that short?

Just the angle.

What does it say under our picture?

"Unclean rabbit-thief lawyers."

I take issue with "unclean."

My landlord evicted me.

My investment club kicked me out.

-I'm ruined here. -Gene, we can fix all this.

No. Can't you see you've done enough harm?

Just leave me alone.

-Gene, you can sue. -No Western courts.

Don't you get it? This is why I'm in this mess.

How do you get justice around here?

My only hope of repairing the Toy family name

and staying in Chinatown

is a hearing with the Council. They have all the power.

There's a Chinatown Council? This keeps getting better.

-We wanna make it up to you. -Yeah, you can.

Stay away from Chinatown.

-Gene. Don't-- -Damn, man.

Are you gonna fix our grid?

[♪♪♪]

Last night, I shared an expensive meal with the mayor.

The nest of the swift bird

is built entirely out of her hardened saliva.

Any idea where bird's nest soup originated from 400 years ago?

-That's well before my time. -Yeah. I don't know.

Hmm.

-Uh-- -Uh-- Okay. This, we can--

Someone had dinner in Chinatown.

A grocery-store owner accused our friend of shoplifting

-and we tried to help. -Good job on that.

Your insensitivity to the customs

has made the Infeld-Daniels name unclean.

Sorry about that.

We got injunctive relief for our friend

so the owner would have to take down a display.

Injunctive relief? No wonder.

Why not just smear pig feces all over his face

in the middle of Chung King Road?

That was plan B.

-We were gonna start-- -We've dropped the case,

and we're gonna get every last flyer taken down.

-Every one. -Good.

That's not gonna exonerate your friend.

No, he's trying to get some date with the Chinatown Council.

The apocryphal Council of Elders.

It does exist.

I first heard about this

during a game of Pai Gow in Rangoon in '67.

Now, your friend must get a hearing with this Council.

Well, we promised him we'd back off.

Very wise.

You're unschooled in Chinese judicial culture.

No, Damien and I are taking over the case.

We're going to Chinatown.

-We? -I don't parallel park.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

And we'll prove it because Jennifer Putnam

is 50-car-pileup beautiful.

Let me guess.

Miss Sproik has a sneer on her face.

Like the only beautiful women are in the pages of Stirred.

But how can that be?

You, ma'am. Your husband thinks you're beautiful, right?

And yet, I don't recognize you from any magazines.

That doesn't mean you're not beautiful, because you are.

We'll prove that Jennifer was a great assistant.

And it goes without saying, she is a stunner.

Now, her looks may have been disruptive at Stirred,

but it wasn't her fault.

She didn't deserve to be fired for how she looked.

That is discrimination.

[♪♪♪]

This is more fun than I thought.

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHS] That's great.

I take it back. This was worth the trip.

-Mr. Han? -Yes?

How do you do? Damien Karp, Infeld-Daniels.

This is Stanton Infeld, founding partner.

How do you do?

How many of you are there?

The goat meat is tough again.

-Can I send it back? -Not now, Tonia.

Uh, yes.

You know, it's both unusual and refreshing

to see a female butcher.

-She's my daughter. -Oh, I gathered.

She rolled her eyes when she went away.

Sir, Gene Toy's original attorneys

are new to the firm, they're young,

but they still have more than 37 ad leases

on bus benches across the city.

No telling what they might put on them.

They could destroy your business.

You come here to blackmail me?

Uh, Mr. Han.

[IN CHINESE]

-[SPEAKS CHINESE] -[CHUCKLES]

You got the meeting?

Mmm. Oh, look. Yeah.

Sheep's brain on sale. Hmm.

[♪♪♪]

Hmm.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh, you get to sleep with Zoe Saldana.

-I like it. -Your mom has to watch.

-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Um, I'll get it.

How far away is Mom? Is she wearing her glasses?

A foot away and up-to-date prescription specs.

Can it be your mom?

Because I could get into that.

-JARED: Hanna. -Hanna?

Welcome back to the island of broken toys.

Nice job in court today, Peter.

-I helped. -I could too.

-JARED: How? -Why?

Because I'm starting to like your client.

Karp thinks he's entitled to your office

even though my billables are higher.

So, what's your strategy?

We're going for the hard sell that our client's a babe,

hoping that'll force the defense to be mean to a sweet girl.

Interesting. But beauty is about impact.

[♪♪♪]

Beauty is the Helen of Troy

launching a thousand ships into battle.

[♪♪♪]

Beauty...

is the catalyst

for making creatures wanna mate.

[♪♪♪]

Beauty can make people do irrational things.

I'm gonna go masturbate.

PETER: Just to be clear,

that was the greatest legal lecture we ever heard.

But, um, now what?

It's not enough to tell jurors that your client is a babe.

You have to show them that beauty

drives people to do irrational things.

Show that Jennifer's beauty drove the men at Stirred

to act inappropriately.

And convinced Katherine to remove Jennifer from the equation.

Love it. Love this.

[♪♪♪]

SPROIK: Miss Putnam, these are photographs of female employees

who worked with you at Stirred.

Do you think these women are attractive?

They put a lot of effort into their appearance,

which is admirable.

SPROIK: It is. Do you think you are more beautiful?

Oh, that's not a fair question.

Well, under normal circumstances, I'd agree.

But we are here today because you claimed you were dismissed

from your job for being too beautiful.

So that would imply that you are more beautiful

than these women.

I don't say it to be conceited,

but since I'm under oath, yes,

I do think I'm more beautiful than them.

But not by much.

SPROIK: Thank you, Miss Putnam.

No more questions, Your Honor.

-Permission to redirect? -Really?

The female jurors identify with Jennifer.

They want a shot with guys like you.

They wanna be your Helen of Troy.

-Want the redirect? -Not really.

Why did Infeld hire you?

[♪♪♪]

React to Jennifer's beauty.

[SIGHS]

We're almost done here.

You have been a great witness.

-You've been a good lawyer too. -Thank you.

Yes, I'm your attorney, so you should be safe.

I can't say the same when you're under cross by Miss Sproik.

-She's just doing her job. -Yes, she is.

Just like you were just doing yours at Stirred.

-Right? -Yeah.

Good. Good.

PETER: So, Jennifer,

can you tell the court,

how you would answer the phone at Stirred?

Uh, what I'd say or how I'd say it?

Either. Both.

Here, pretend this is your phone.

Oh, okay.

Katherine Mack's office. May I help you?

Let me just make sure my phone is turned off.

-That'd be embarrassing, huh? -It would. It was off.

But if someone had called, would you have played along?

You take a lot of pride in the party

that you planned for the magazine, don't you?

I do. It's a fundraiser downtown.

I got a lunch station where top chefs

like Wolfgang Puck make--

-Uh, let me guess. Lunch. -Yes.

Most important meal of the day.

God, I'm, I'm so hungry.

[♪♪♪]

Are you hungry?

You have to say yes or no

so the court reporter can get it.

-Okay. -Uh-uh-uh.

Yes or no.

Yes.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Ugh! Objection!

Counsel is making out with his client. Your Honor--

Stop kissing your client. Bailiff. Mr. Bash,

I should have you charged with contempt.

It's okay. I don't wanna press charges.

Your Honor, I'm so sorry. Mr. Bash was overcome

by Miss Putnam's beauty. It won't happen again.

[♪♪♪]

[WHISTLES]

[♪♪♪]

-That was a desperate attempt. -Thanks.

Twenty-five thousand to stop this.

My father's a generous man.

He's also worth over 300 million.

Fifty-five thousand, the recommendation letter,

and a confidentiality clause with penalty.

-Fine. -No way.

You know where to contact me.

Yes, I do.

This is good money and we haven't proven anything.

-Where's Jenn? Have you seen Jenn? -She's back at the office.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. You okay?

The jury sees Jennifer differently, and so do I.

We're not settling. Gather the troops.

PINDAR: I have a strategy.

Stock the courtroom with unattractive women.

It's through there.

Give Jennifer a comparative edge.

How can somebody so symmetrical be so annoying at the same time?

I believe they're unrelated.

Okay, when it was just us,

$55,000 would have been a gold rush.

Why would Katherine offer a recommendation letter

and then up the offer with $55,000?

We're stuck at the "she said, they said."

There are a lot more of them and they're coming off more--

Sane? Yeah.

I've been going over these depo transcripts.

Everybody is toeing the line.

You would too if you had Katherine behind you.

-She's scary. -Yeah.

It's like a culture of secrecy.

If Jennifer was bad at her job, why offer a settlement?

Remember when we saw Big Mack in the office?

She did everything to make sure we had no contact with him.

Wait a second. She was hiding Big Mack from you?

Yeah, maybe.

-Why? -I don't know.

There is that fundraiser

Jennifer was planning with Katherine.

-Maybe Big Mack will be there. -And so will we.

[♪♪♪]

-Can you get down further? -Uh, no, I can't.

Is your forehead touching the floor?

If you can't tell, how will they?

Oh, they know everything.

You have to feel comfortable with the respectful kowtow

that the Council expects.

Karp, I hope you got that raise.

Oh, I'm just fluffing. You're next.

We need you to sign off on an expense for the Stirred case.

It's for a table at a fundraiser Stirred is co-sponsoring.

It's a fantastic cause

and we wanna ask Big Mack some questions for trial.

What is the fantastic cause?

-It's save the rain-- -Heal babies--

Rain-- Save the rain babies.

All right. It's a fundraiser. It's tax-deductible.

Have a good time.

[♪♪♪]

JARED: See, this feels like home.

Thank you.

See, I like to think that they're always here

throwing that ball back and forth,

back and forth.

-Ah, buzzkill. -Where?

Katherine Mack.

Peter, um,

I don't want this to be awkward,

but you know what happened in court yesterday,

that wasn't real.

You'll know when it's real.

[♪♪♪]

Jennifer Putnam is suing us. She can't be here.

We wrote a check for $5000 for a public fundraiser.

We're not here to cause trouble.

Recycle, reuse and the other one.

I don't care about you.

It's her I want out.

She helped plan this shindig.

She's not under house arrest.

I don't want security to throw her out.

[CHUCKLES]

We do.

Keep an eye on this group.

[WATER SPLASHES]

-Whoo! -Yeah.

Come on, that's good.

Yeah. No, no, no.

Yeah, up. Yeah, up.

You seeing what I'm seeing?

PETER: Our client in a Burqini?

-No. -Hey, yeah. Big Mack.

PETER: Doesn't look uncomfortable to be around her.

Peter, there's someone I want you to meet.

This is Evan. He was Big Mack's assistant for two years.

Oh, great. So you worked with Jennifer?

I miss her. She was one of a kind.

-Was she good at her job? -Yeah.

Big Mack wanted to replace me with Jennifer when I left.

Really, now?

BIG MACK: Love it! Here's your fun!

Wasn't it?

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

PETE: Big Mack? I hate to bother you,

but I had to meet the legend.

Legend makes me feel old.

Oh, well, I...

I consider myself a self-made man,

so what you've got going on is inspiring.

-Life has no dress rehearsal. -Copy that.

-Can I ask you something? -Can't promise I'll answer.

Is it true what they say? Any woman, anywhere, anytime?

No, no. Not any woman, not anytime.

But most, most of the time.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

That is beyond the scope of my imagination.

So, like, even her?

-Yep, 1979. -Look at you.

Pretty sure, yeah.

-What about Jennifer? -Who's that?

Jennifer Putnam. The girl doing the cannonball.

JENNIFER: Whoo!

-You mean Peppermint Patty? -Peppermint--

She had a bowl of them on her desk.

-Was she your assistant? -No. I wanted her to be.

-What happened? -Oh, I'm a big-picture guy.

I don't know what happened.

Katherine said she wasn't good, so...

-Oh. -Yeah.

You ready for the three-legged race?

You got it. Come on. Let's go.

-Nice meeting you. -You too.

[WATER SPLASHES]

-You just talked to Big Mack. -Uh-huh.

You will too. We're gonna put him on the stand.

Big Mack doesn't know as much about women as he thinks.

I don't know anything about women.

That is true.

[♪♪♪]

STANTON: Ah. Mr. Toy.

I do apologize. I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

-No problem. -Please sit down.

Good. [CLEARS THROAT]

Now, Mr. Toy, look.

I intend to clear my firm's name.

And to tell you the truth, I'm fascinated by the Council.

And, obviously, I'm concerned for you.

-Obviously? -Mmm-hmm.

Uh, so, what did you wanna talk about?

The frozen rabbit in your pants.

It wasn't in my pants. It was in my waistband.

I've got a python.

Oh, impressive. Congratulations.

No, it's a pet. It's a snake.

You know, we have more in common than you may think.

I had one named Suzy.

Oh, she was aloof, but I adored her,

until she escaped.

But anyway, that's another story, huh?

Uh...

Well, I feed my python one thawed rabbit a week.

-Uh-huh. -Right? And I was a day late.

Oh, and I know first-hand,

you can't defrost those cottontails in the microwave

without the meat getting stringy.

-Exactly. Right. -Right?

I was jump-starting the thawing process

while I shopped. I was gonna pay for it, I swear.

And the pet store across the street,

they're selling frozen rabbit at half the price.

Um, we know, don't we, that pythons will eat anything, Gene?

So I suspect there was another draw

to Han's market that you're not telling me about.

[♪♪♪]

Let's go. Okay.

-Mr. Mack. -You kissed your client on the stand.

Sit down, Mr. Bash.

There's only a slight chance of him kissing Mr. Mack.

I'll do it.

Mr. Mack,

is it true you wanted Jennifer to be your assistant

after Evan resigned?

-I made a remark about it. -What happened?

Ultimately, I decided against it.

Why?

Because my daughter Katherine

said Jennifer wasn't competent.

How would you describe your relationship with Jennifer?

-Were you close? -Not really, but--

-But you got along well. -True. She's a good kid.

She's a 27-year-old woman.

Uh-oh. Did I say something wrong?

I mean, I didn't call her girl or honey.

I said kid like I call my daughter.

HANNA: So she's like a daughter to you?

-Those are your words. -They're yours.

You compared her to your daughter.

I can have the court reporter read back.

MACK: No, no. It's fine.

So, by my account, the only two women at Stirred

who you haven't had sexual relations with

are Katherine Mack, your daughter,

and Jennifer Putnam. Is that true?

Objection. Relevance, Your Honor.

Some leeway.

Overruled. You may continue.

Not the only ones.

There are a handful in Payroll.

Of course there are. No further questions.

Party planning is a lot of pressure.

-Am I right? -I suppose.

Uh, take your dad, for example.

Could you tell the court his requirements

-at Stirred events? -I don't know. Uh...

Grass-fed Argentine beef and sustainable caviar?

And the vaporizers. What kind?

-Musk-scented misters. -Right, right.

And he also likes trampolines and three-legged races?

-Yes and yes. -At Saturday's fundraiser,

did your father ask you to run the three-legged race?

I was in heels. I couldn't.

Over 35 years, how many outdoor functions

would you say you've attended with your father?

-I don't know. -Ballpark.

Uh, we have two or three a year, so 75.

Seventy-five?

And has he ever asked you to run the three-legged race

even when you weren't in heels?

I always wear heels.

Who did he ask to run the race with him on Saturday?

Her.

The plaintiff, Jennifer Putnam?

Yes.

[♪♪♪]

No more questions, Your Honor.

Hmm.

[♪♪♪]

[INHALES]

Oh! Uh, uh, sorry.

I think I have the wrong room.

Oh, Gene. Uh...

-This isn't a Jackie Chan movie. -Uh, gentlemen.

I'm humbled and grateful for this audience

in front of the Council of Elders

on behalf of my good friend Gene Toy.

Council of Elders?

-We're a merchants' association. -Yes, quite.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'd like to call a witness.

Witness?

-No. Council, please. -Tonia?

GENE: I'll take my punishment and leave.

I believe Tonia has something to say. Now, let her speak.

Are you sure?

[CHUCKLES]

Dad, Gene may not be a doctor.

He may not speak perfect Mandarin.

He might not have a deep voice or a strong handshake.

He certainly might not set the world on fire.

But, Dad, he sets my world on fire.

And...

I love him.

[♪♪♪]

Gene, a left-handed compliment from the woman of your dreams

is like a shiv between the third and fourth rib

that just misses your heart.

Tonia, we'll talk about this at home.

You can't tell me who to date or who to marry, Dad.

Marry?

I don't want you thinking about marriage

until after you graduate college.

I have ambitions for you.

And I know that, Dad. Just because I love Gene

doesn't mean I'm gonna forget all that.

If I may. Mr. Han, it seems that we've locked horns

over a youthful fling.

Gene Toy came to your market,

even though your frozen rabbit is,

by the way, not competitively priced.

He respected your edict not to date Tonia.

He just wanted the opportunity to see her,

to watch her skin a goat

or to hear her laugh.

Gentlemen, please allow Gene Toy

to continue to live his dream here in Chinatown.

[♪♪♪]

Not only did Big Mack

ignore his biological daughter, Katherine,

but almost as hurtful, he took a shine to Jennifer.

As we've proven,

our client's beauty was a liability.

She stole the spotlight from Katherine,

and she became like another daughter to Big Mack.

In the end, ladies and gentlemen,

our client was, indeed, fired for being too beautiful.

[♪♪♪]

You can take shots at me all you want,

but when you start attacking my daughter,

I have to intervene.

I raised her.

Sort of.

This is my fault. I want it settled now.

Our client doesn't want a settlement.

-She wants a jury verdict. -I don't.

Jennifer, what do you want?

I want my job back.

You got it.

You'll be my assistant. How about that?

-And one more thing. -Yes?

I want the company's plastic-surgery fund

to be sent to Operation Smile.

That way, children with cleft palates can find success and acceptance,

just like Joaquin Phoenix.

Done.

Hey, I'm a big fan--

-What'd I tell you? -I know.

-Okay. -End zone.

[♪♪♪]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

All right, you're all set. You're online.

Yeah, Gene.

[ALL CHEERING]

-PETER: Gene! Thank you. -Thank you, huh?

If you hadn't screwed everything up, I would've given up and lost Tonia.

Ah, you're welcome.

Oh, and your boss should start his own religion.

He is amazing.

I'm glad you've been returned to full Chinatown status.

-Need a refill? -Yes.

-Fill her up? -Yeah.

Are you guys squatters or do you actually live here?

-Wow! Look who it is. -Oh.

Not only do we live here, we thrive here, brother.

-What you got there? -Sorry you have to give it up.

Well, it's not the guitar, it's the guitarist.

And that guitar is for that guitarist.

-Double or nothing? -You're hysterical.

That's adorable.

You look like a man who could use a beverage.

Ever heard of Beer Jenga?

-Is it an import? -Oh, God.

-Kiss it. Just kiss it. -Kiss it?

-You're a naughty minx. -Cannonball! Whoo!

She knows that's a hot tub, right?

Come on, guys. Let's do this. Let's go.

-Come on. -Sweet.

CARMEN: Am I gonna have to carry you again?

-PINDAR: I get the sniper rifle. -Where's my grenade launcher?

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ Such a vivid picture ♪

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ If I must say so myself ♪

♪ Oh, my, what a day Comin' at me anyway ♪

♪ Everything I try to say Just comes out backwards ♪

♪ Overthinkin' underreachin' ♪

♪ Someone tells a joke I'm blinkin' ♪

♪ Nothing's all That's sinkin' in ♪