Original subtitles

You just arrived in heaven.

Ooh, standards more lax than I thought. Good for me.

Saint Peter tells you

you can return to Earth as a ghost,

-or you can go back-- -Whoa. Hold up.

A ghost like Casper,

or Bruce Willis from The Sixth Sense?

-What do you mean? -Bruce Willis?

Turns out he was a ghost all along?

Thanks for the spoiler alert, dick.

-You've never seen Sixth Sense? -No.

You've seen every Rob Schneider movie.

Is Rob Schneider in The Sixth Sense?

Working on your base?

Ah, the morning sun through these windows provides tanning

while the tint on the glass refracts UV rays.

He has done a lot of research on this.

Karp wanted to know if you were working on any actual cases.

Yes. Tell him we're in the middle

of a discovery motion on People v. Kiss My Ass.

Does the ripped body offend?

I've seen you firmer.

[♪♪♪]

Do I look less firm to you?

Well, you are kind of a mess.

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

Wanna see a real live murderer up close?

Is this about The Sixth Sense again?

PETER: Ms. Kaplowitz?

It is you. Peter Bash. I just wanna say I am blown away

how one-sided media coverage of your case has been.

-I appreciate that. -Yeah, and frankly,

I am disgusted at the paparazzi's refusal

to allow you to mourn the loss of your husband.

Following you on the beach when you had that killer thong.

And not "killer" as in, you know, like: Eeh-eeh-eeh.

But just primo.

How thoughtful of you to say.

-Isabella. -Stanton.

-How are you? -I've been better.

STANTON: I know. It's so good to see you.

Shall we begin? This is my colleague, Damien Karp.

-Good to see you. -By colleague, he means nephew.

Mm, I like the boxers.

Shall we begin?

[♪♪♪]

There are 27 senior partners, including our New York firm.

And in September, Stanton's experiment called "you two"

is gonna get put up to a vote.

You'll not make it past first ballot, so I don't know...

photocopy your butts, steal some pens, whatever.

Why does he think we didn't photocopy our butts already?

"Black Widow of Bel Air." "Horndog Heiress."

Oh, my favorite, heh: "Murder by Vagina."

Stanton, Harry was my life. You know that.

I would never have done anything to hurt him, much less kill him.

Good, but I must say,

for the district attorney to pursue a murder conviction

based on the theory of intentional over-sexing.

I mean, well, he must be fairly confident

that his evidence will hold up.

Did you really take a bath before calling 911?

He was fine before I left. He was smiling.

And he was falling asleep.

And about 20 minutes later, I heard a crash.

That's when I rushed in. He had knocked over a clock.

And he was--

He was struggling to breathe. That's when I called.

Everybody thinks I'm a killer.

I'm not. I'm a widow devastated by the loss of her husband.

But you knew he had a heart condition.

Oh, he's a very passionate man.

I wasn't going to deny him what he wanted.

All right. I mean, you say it's what he wanted,

and yet your husband says otherwise.

"Dying billionaire's last words: 'She came upstairs to kill me.'"

I can't explain that.

All I can say is it's not true.

And so we must prove.

[PETE'S "MIXTURE" PLAYS]

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ Such a vivid picture ♪

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ If I must say so myself ♪

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Oh. Hey, look at you. Big-boy clothes.

-We want in. -KARP: No way.

He's asking the guy who actually decides things.

-You said you wanted us on a case. -We're staffed.

Have you any experience of defending a murder trial?

-No. And we need some, big-time. -Yeah.

And who better to learn from

than the emperor of defense?

No one calls him that.

-I call you that. -I like it.

I don't see a reason why we can't have a third chair

on a case of this magnitude.

Actually, I can think of about 100 reasons,

top of which would be winning.

All right. Listen.

One of you comes on.

The other jumps on a civil matter

that my spiritual adviser is bringing in.

-Work it out. -All right.

We could be working together.

Christmas came early for you, pal.

We'll need to celebrate early. You won't be here in December.

-Oh! -The fired thing again.

[♪♪♪]

So--

So which of us gets the case?

-Carmen, Pindar, choose. -I can't.

It's like having to choose between my two gay fathers.

You have two gay fathers?

-Carmen? -Neither one of you should do it.

She's guilty. I read in People she took a bubble bath

before she even called 911.

First of all, that's a sexy, if not twisted, image.

And second, if you met Isabella, you'd feel differently about her.

Isabella's like Jessica Rabbit.

She's not bad. She's just drawn that way.

Jessica Rabbit. Hottest cartoon character ever?

Prefer Betty Rubble.

-Really? -Yeah.

Neither of those hold a candle to Setsuna Meioh.

The Guardian of the Space-Time Door

in the Sailor Moon Manga?

-Oh! Oh, stop. -All right. Come on.

-Thanks for clearing that up. -Let's talk this through.

If you want this case more than me, you should take it.

-How much do you want it? -More than anything ever.

-It's yours. -God bless you.

Like I wanna do more work.

Great. You are available to watch the spelling-bee finals

on ESPN 2 with me.

Available? Yes. Interested? No.

Why? Is it because Indians always win?

You guys do have kind of a lock on it.

If you could reach out to the client without negativity,

I got some catching up to do on her case.

[♪♪♪]

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

STANTON: Later. Later. Thank you.

MAN: Isabella. How are you holding up?

Wallace. So sweet of you to come.

Which is roughly what she said.

I'm sorry. Who said what?

Sorry. A joke. Occupational hazard.

-Who's your friend? -He's Harry's lawyer,

and yes, he's a dear friend.

He's also hilarious.

Oh, he's sweet.

Final offer.

Negligent homicide, three years.

I have motive, witnesses, a deathbed accusation.

When looking at life in prison, this is a gift.

That's very kind of you, but gift rejected.

We're all-in.

-Good luck. -You too.

[♪♪♪]

[GAVEL BANGING]

[♪♪♪]

STEIN: Ladies and gentlemen,

the state intends to prove that the defendant

maliciously killed her husband, billionaire Harry Kaplowitz,

not with a gun or a knife, but with her body.

We contend that in order to inherit a fortune,

the defendant engaged in a daily routine

of relentless, predatory sexual conduct.

Oral, vaginal and...

otherwise.

Until she literally copulated her ailing husband

to his very death.

[♪♪♪]

STANTON: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

This pure and simply

is a love story.

Of physical love, yes,

but a love that consumes not only the body

but also the soul.

Isabella Kaplowitz made love to her husband, Harry,

the night that he died.

Indeed, they made love every night.

As startling as that may seem to the rest of us mere mortals,

to Isabella and Harry, it was simply a way of life.

Surely, she should be worshiped, not demonized.

Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

JARED: You're sure Infeld was that good?

The guy was sick.

It was like watching Pavarotti play the violin.

Don't bother.

Isabella's case made BetWhatever.net.

-What's that? -An off-shore betting website.

You can bet on anything, Oscars, elections, death pools.

-What's your point? -Odds are 50-to-1

of Isabella getting convicted.

-We can deal with those odds. -They jumped 20 points

after Infeld crushed his opening.

I don't know. It's interesting.

-I'm just saying, it's interesting. -Eh.

You might be paranoid on this one.

-Maybe-- Maybe a little jealous. -What?

Me. Me on the big case, you, not so much.

Dickwad, I bequeathed you that case.

That was a gift.

You only bequeath when you're dead, Jared.

Pretty elementary wills and trusts law.

What? You got a hunch on this, check it out.

-But don't do anything crazy. -I can't.

I'm busy with Infeld's spiritual adviser--

Hey, you two. You're wide open to do something not crazy.

[♪♪♪]

After Harry's second bypass, I doubled his dosage,

and I made it very clear to both him and Isabella,

strenuous activity would be deadly.

The autopsy revealed

no medication whatsoever in his system.

The body showed signs of dehydration as well

-as severe penile bruising. -[CHUCKLES]

We were in the ambulance. He was in cardiac arrest.

I was performing CPR,

-and that's when he said it. -What did he say?

"She came upstairs and killed me."

Objection. Hearsay.

The statement falls under the dying-declaration

exception of the hearsay rule.

Your Honor, the speaker was having a heart attack.

No reason he knew what he was saying.

He was calm. He even smiled when he said it.

Then he just closed his eyes and died.

[♪♪♪]

Overruled. The jury may consider the testimony.

Yeah, don't beat yourself up. I'll fix this.

[♪♪♪]

So, you pressed the button, and then what happened?

Well, I waited for the light to change.

-Mm-hm. -The light changed. Then I started

to walk my bicycle across.

PETER: Okay. And what did you see

in the "walk, don't walk" box thing?

-I saw a walking person. -Can you describe the person?

Really?

He was orange, had arms like so.

Stretched like so.

-Very round head. -[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

And his-- His legs were extended,

-which suggested to me walking-- -Uh, excuse me, I'm sorry,

but I have to go. My wife's water just broke.

-Wow, congratulations. -Thank you.

Uh, rain check?

-WOMAN: Yeah, sure. -Great. Yeah.

-First one? -Yes.

Child. Yeah, it's-- Yeah.

-It's my baby girl. -How wonderful.

-Good health to the mother -Mm-hm.

-and your new child. -Okay. Um--

So we'll do this again. I'm sorry for, uh--

But you know, it's, uh--

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

I was his lawyer, certainly,

but first and foremost,, we were compadres.

Best friends.

I tell you, if I had a dime

for every punch line Harry Kaplowitz butchered

on the golf course, I'd be the billionaire.

[WALLACE CHUCKLES]

Did the defendant visit you in your office

days before her husband's death?

She did. Always great to see her.

Regarding?

[INHALES DEEPLY] She wanted to know

how much of Harry's money she could access.

STEIN: No further questions.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[PETER SIGHS]

Tell me, was it out of the ordinary for my client

to seek your counsel

regarding her financial situation?

We'd, uh-- We discussed it occasionally.

Now, you say you were a compadre of the deceased.

Do you consider Isabella a compadre?

Certainly.

Of course, I was closer to Harry--

In your opinion as a compadre,

did Isabella Kaplowitz murder her husband?

-Not in my opinion. No way. -Objection. Utter speculation.

Sustained. The jury will disregard.

Just to be clear, Your Honor,

you're asking the jury to disregard Mr. Clayton,

who knew the couple as well as anybody,

to disregard his testimony my client loved her husband

and would never intentionally harm him?

Yes, I am, Mr. Bash,

in spite of your best efforts to keep saying it

again and again.

So I was able to track the betting patterns

on Isabella's case. You were right.

A big bet was made against Isabella,

10 minutes after Infeld's opening statement.

Which is before it was broadcast on any news outlet.

They're taking security seriously in there.

Jury's sequestered and judge issued gag orders.

Wait. Someone in the courtroom

-is betting on the case? -Mm-hm. So we ran checks.

Guess who has 55 grand in credit-card debt?

Other than Peter.

-Hit me. -CARMEN: Judge Hong.

Better yet, judgy's single biggest debt

is to AAA Entertainment,

a Nevada company that owns sports books.

[♪♪♪]

I think we found our bettor.

♪ My mind Is filled with gold ♪

PETER: No, no, no.

-Too dangerous. -Excuse me.

What did they call me at Indian Guide camp?

-Runs With Danger. -Runs With Danger. Right.

I'm gonna float it out, real conversation-like.

I'm not talking about jury tampering.

I'm trying to stop someone else

-from jury tampering. -Based on a hunch?

Remember last year?

There was gonna be an earthquake?

You made us leave town and go to Tahoe.

-There was no earthquake. -Yeah.

And those blackjack waitresses? All because of my hunch.

Okay. Just float it in nicely.

-I'm a feather. -No one can know about it.

-Nobody's-- -KARP: About what?

-Your mama. -Your mother.

-Great. -Isabella's gonna take the stand.

I think we need to discuss who's gonna direct.

Sure. I'll direct.

We'll decide using a legally sound

-decision-making process. -Law-off.

Whoever shows greater knowledge of all matters legal, wins.

-Please. -PETER: You chicken?

You were summa at SC, notes editor at the law review.

-How'd you know? -Facebook.

-I didn't friend you. -You should. You only have 11.

-What do you got? -What was Marisa Tomei's

character's name in My Cousin Vinny?

That's not a legal question.

-Ruling? -I'll allow it.

-Who cares what her name was? -A hint.

It was an Oscar-winning performance.

Actually, I dated Marisa briefly.

She was incredible,

as, of course, she was in Vinny.

Character's name, Mona Lisa.

So he's got magic hearing.

Is anyone coming to watch my direct of Isabella?

-How can he not know Marisa Tomei? -He's that guy.

"My biological clock is ticking like this."

Right up there. That and Schindler's List.

Isabella, you went to check your finances only days before Harry died.

Would you please tell the court why?

Oh, well, his 60th birthday was coming up,

and I had this crazy--

This extravagant idea about getting him

a horse ranch as a surprise.

Harry loved to ride.

STANTON: Well, very nice surprise.

And yet, this was never mentioned

in the meeting with Harry's lawyer.

Wallace is such a chatterbox.

I didn't want him to ruin the surprise.

STANTON: I understand.

Look, I don't want to be indelicate,

but I have to ask you

about all this sex and lovemaking.

The doctor did warn you both, didn't he,

-about strenuous activity? -Well, we took precautions.

We-- We paced ourselves.

Harry even had a safe word for when he felt winded.

Oh, really? Well, and what was that?

-Cantaloupe. He was allergic. -Oh.

Pity. Such a delicious fruit. Hm?

Such precautions,

and yet Harry wasn't taking his heart medication.

That I didn't know.

Isabella, did you go upstairs that evening

and kill your husband,

as Harry supposedly stated to the paramedic?

[♪♪♪]

Of course not.

I loved Harry.

And I'm lost without him.

Thank you.

HONG: Cross-examination after lunch.

Excuse me. Your Honor?

Jared Franklin, from the animal shelter Peeping Tom trial.

Your client was a disturbed man.

Believe me, I still have nightmares.

Um, can I have a minute?

Um, this is awkward.

So far. Mm-hm.

My colleagues are representing Isabella Kaplowitz.

I can't discuss that case.

An overzealous clerk at our firm

stumbled upon a debt incurred by a certain judge

at a certain establishment in Las Vegas.

No judgment. I bet my tuition against the Lakers' three-peat.

And I'm in no way accusing you of betting on this trial,

but if you were to, let's say, recuse yourself,

-and I'm just thinking of you-- -Listen to me, you weasel.

-You think-- -We're just talking.

There's nothing unethical about the World Series of Poker.

And if I choose to put my buy-in on Visa,

that is my business, and has no impact on this trial.

Exactly. Exactly, Your Honor. That-- That's what I said.

All right, then.

Are we good? This feels good.

We're good.

[♪♪♪]

Your testimony paints a picture of an idyllic, loving marriage.

That's what it was.

-Did you ever fight? -Rarely.

What about on the night he died?

No.

Can you describe your last hours together?

We had a quiet dinner and then we went upstairs.

To the bedroom. Then what happened?

-We made love. -Can you be more specific?

Objection. If Mr. Stein wishes to live out his fantasies,

there are more private ways.

Sustained.

No arguments, angry words exchanged?

No. Not at all.

No further questions.

[♪♪♪]

The prosecution calls

as a rebuttal witness, Delmi Santiago,

the Kaplowitzes' housekeeper.

[♪♪♪]

Ms. Santiago, were you in the Kaplowitz home

on the night of Harry Kaplowitz's passing?

Yes.

Missus gave me the night off, but I come back for my phone.

STEIN: What did you hear when you returned?

Fighting.

Could you make out the words?

Mister was yelling, "No! No more!

"I don't want that! Go away! I said no! You leave!

"You go away! Enough is enough!

No."

Anything else?

-No. -STEIN: Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

So you did fornicate this man into an early grave?

No, no, he wasn't saying "no more" about sex.

-Then what? -His medicine.

He didn't wanna take his medicine.

-I was just thinking-- -Yeah?

I've got this song stuck in my head.

[HUMS THEN STAMMERS]

Something about driving down a road.

[HUMMING]

-It'll come to me. -Isabella.

You knew he wasn't taking his medicine.

No, I pleaded with him and he refused.

He said it dulled his sensations.

We need to put her back on the stand.

And admit he was off his meds and still rode him wild?

It's better than the jury thinking Harry

was screaming for her to stop.

They're not gonna believe her.

-She already lied once. -Cantaloupe.

The safe word. That's what Harry would've been shouting

-if he wanted her to stop. -Thank you for believing me.

I believe in you too.

But this is a setback. There's no question about that.

The jury are going to see a liar.

It's up to us to make sure

they don't see you as a liar and a murderer.

[HUMMING]

Oh! Um-- Do you-- You know the--

[BOTH HUMMING]

Gonna go make notes. Be right back.

[PETER AND STANTON HUMMING]

I will not be able to do anything in court

-with this thing buzzing in my head. -[HUMMING]

ISABELLA: I had caught him not taking his pills.

Usually, he would listen to me, but this time he refused.

He said-- He said it made him feel less alive.

Now, you didn't mention that in your earlier testimony.

And no doubt, the prosecution will call it a lie.

Am I wrong?

Trust me. He will.

Now, why did you withhold the information?

When the police asked me, um, I-- I panicked

about not knowing about the meds.

And then I just stuck to my story from there on out.

So you did have sex that night, knowing he wasn't medicated?

It's what he wanted. It's--

It's what we both wanted. If we were alone and together--

-You were making love. -Yes.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[MOUTHS] Okay.

Now, I'm confused.

You earlier testified that you had no idea

that your husband had stopped his medication.

So were you lying under oath then or now?

Then.

Why should the jury believe anything you say?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

JARED: Peter, they accidentally triple-tripled my double-double.

PINDAR: It's like seeing a double rainbow.

PETER: Can we focus on rebounding

from the bitch-slap Isabella took in court today?

Speaking of bitch-slap, Judge Hong is clean.

PETER: Great. How bad was it?

Humiliating and somehow exciting.

Who does that leave us with then?

Okay, guys, so I just sent you links

to every website every juror's visited

in the past six months.

What? I got a friend at Homeland Security.

Great work. Remind us to give you guys a bonus.

How about an elephant ride in Thailand?

I was thinking a hundred bucks.

-I was thinking 50 each. -No, no, no.

I was on Juror Number 5's Internet profile,

and it links to her wedding registry.

It's pretty impressive.

All these items are for a honeymoon trip to Thailand.

Meals, massages, elephant rides.

Don't eat that, please.

Juror Number 5. She's a teacher.

Her fiancé's a teacher. She lives in an apartment.

How can she afford a trip like that?

Looks like somebody upgraded their honeymoon, big-time.

How does our bridezilla communicate with someone on the outside?

-An intermediary. -Security guard, room service.

They gotta eat in.

Field trip?

♪ Two, three, hit me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ So ♪

MAN: We'll be there in 15 minutes.

Okay. All right.

You-- You can't be down here.

-Hi. -Hi.

I'm lost. I'm looking for the VIP elevator.

-I have an appointment. -And you are?

-A chiropractor. -A chiro--

-Where's your table? -Oh, I have my own technique.

Okay.

-Okay. -This way.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Yeah ♪

Remember, think starvation diet.

-She needs to get into her wedding dress. -Yep.

Oh, definitely not our bride.

No. That would be Juror Number 3.

Bastard.

-Got it. -Or do you?

PETER: One of these has to be Annabelle's.

Or Juror Number 12.

Prada belt, 30-inch waist, highlights.

This one has croutons. Bridezilla can't risk the carbs.

-Nicely done. -Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, I think it's obviously a very pristine kitchen.

-I'd say a "B." -PETER: "B"?

Oh. What is that? What's that?

Possible infestation. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Yep. Yeah.

-I'll bring this to the lab. -Good.

-This is where I check out. -Miss you already.

[♪♪♪]

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

you've seen and heard the evidence against my client.

But remember, what the eyes sometimes see,

the heart always feels.

That's beautiful.

Oh, Debbie. Yeah, thank you.

Closing argument, you know,

it's the only opportunity for a lawyer

to reach directly into the soul of a juror.

I meant the karate outfit.

Ah. Oh. Actually, it's called a gi.

Oh. Well, Isabella's here.

Oh, please. Isabella.

-Hmm. -Hello.

I'm sorry about the short notice.

I just didn't want there to be any more surprises.

Oh, dear. That makes me think there are going to be surprises.

Harry and I argued about more than his medication that night.

-What? -No, who.

Harry was jealous of my friendship

with Wallace Clayton.

It was strictly platonic, but he felt threatened by it.

Wallace, that-- that irritating jokester?

Let's get this perfectly clear.

So you weren't arguing about the medication.

No, we were. But--

Harry was agitated because of Wallace.

Oh, I wanted to dispel any kind of notions

I had any romantic feelings towards him.

So when we had sex,

I kicked my efforts into high gear.

Hmm.

And it was a gear I didn't-- I didn't know I had.

Hmm.

And now he's gone. And it's because of me.

That's a hell of a way to go.

[SIGHS]

-I feel better now. -Good.

[♪♪♪]

MAN: Excuse me.

-What the hell? -Surprise inspection.

CARMEN: Oh.

What do we have here?

[GRUNTING]

All right! Let go! [GRUNTING]

You are looking at a felony charge

for obstruction of justice.

Look, I'm just the middleman.

Where does this go next?

I fax it to a guy who runs the book in Vegas.

-I'll give you the number. -We don't care about that guy.

We care about your friend upstairs.

You want us to forget we met you?

Then you go deliver one more message.

Tell her to be in the lobby in 10 minutes.

-She can't leave her room. -Oh, we'll take care of that.

There's gonna be a fire drill.

You're gonna pull a fire alarm?

No. You are.

[♪♪♪]

[ALARM WAILING]

MAN: It should be all right. Just pick me up out front.

Gonna have to tell how you know about the hooker elevator.

I know baseball too. Doesn't make me center fielder.

Oh, there she is. You're on. Go, go, go.

-Hey. Come with me. -What the--

-Who are you? -Don't worry about that.

You're looking at conjugal visits.

-This wasn't my idea. -Whose was it?

My maid of honor's brother.

He sent messages saying they would pay 50 grand

to give updates on the jury.

Okay. So his idea, but you went through with it.

Look, look, look. Please don't turn me in.

I wanted a better honeymoon.

Alright, it might be my last shot to see the world.

At the expense of sending

-an innocent woman to prison? -No.

I was just giving a head count

of how I thought they were gonna vote.

You know, I wasn't betting on the outcome.

I am just doing my civic duty here, okay?

I bet you just throw the jury summons in the trash.

I can't serve on a jury,

me being a convicted felon and all.

Which is something you and I are gonna have in common

once we tell the judge what you been up to.

No.

What's going on with the deliberation?

Going in, we figured she was guilty,

but now, a few of us aren't sure.

Like me.

[♪♪♪]

JARED: We got the juror dead to rights.

STANTON: How in the world did you guys uncover this?

Don't ask, don't tell.

We tell the judge, it's a slam-dunk mistrial.

And then a slam-dunk retrial.

This corruption and our knowledge of it,

if it's ever exposed,

It could be disastrous,

both for Isabella and for our firm.

Wow, I'm sorry. Someone actually said something sane.

We could keep the trial going, but get rid of the juror.

There is a way to get rid of the bride without a mistrial.

In which case we'd be making an acquittal

-even less likely. -No.

Better to win the honest way,

even if it proves to be the hard way.

Except one thing. We're losing.

Oh, no. Not this guy.

Morning Joe with the dream team. Ha-ha.

-Isabella, could I have a word? -Um-- If I may.

A prosecution witness conversing with a defendant

is inadvisable for both sides.

I was merely gonna tell Isabella

that had no objection been raised,

I would have said,

I don't believe she was responsible

for this tragedy.

Thank you, Wallace.

Oh, dear. All these gloomy faces.

Here's a zinger that might cheer you up.

This whole deaf guy gets fitted for a hearing aid,

works like a charm.

A month later, he comes back to the doctor's office.

The doctor says,

"Your family must be pleased you can hear again."

The old deaf guy says, "I haven't told them yet.

"I sit around all day listening.

I've changed my will three times already."

Changed his will three times already.

OldGuysCrackingWise.com.

-Laugh riot. -My grandpa used to tell a joke

-about a blind guy who gets glasses-- -No.

It's cataract surgery. I know that one.

Oh, my grandpa told it with glasses.

Well, he told it wrong.

So see you in court.

-I like him. -Yeah. He's all right.

You know, Wallace is Isabella's oldest friend.

He does seem rather sweet on her, doesn't he?

[INAUDIBLE]

How sweet was Wallace on you?

Well-- [CHUCKLES]

We did have a bit of an awkward exchange after the funeral,

when he was trying to be a bit too comforting.

You didn't mention that during his testimony.

Oh, I didn't find it to be relevant.

Perhaps it's not, but tell us anyway.

I just played it off like one of his gags.

And I think that he-- I think he was upset.

But he-- he got the message and then that was it.

Unless that wasn't it.

No mistrial. Tell the judge.

We need to question one more witness.

Thank you for allowing us to question you again.

Hey, I got enough time to make my own coal.

Did you get that? I got enough time--

HONG: Everyone heard you.

That wasn't the issue.

Ouch. Heckled from the bench. Heh-heh.

[WALLACE CHUCKLES]

You testified before this court

that you consider Isabella to be a compadre.

But that's a bit of an understatement,

-don't you think? -Meaning?

Meaning you'd like to tap that booty.

How dare you!

What does that mean, exactly?

Objection.

-Mr. Bash. -Booty withdrawn.

But do you deny having the hots for my client?

-She is a lovely woman. -PETER: Yes.

A woman you've resented all these years

for not giving you what she lovingly gave

your deceased best friend.

-Objection. -Withdrawn.

You told us that you and Harry were big yucksters.

You ever read OldGuysCrackingWise.com?

-You know that I do. -Yeah, me too. I'm a big fan.

But you know what, I got a zinger for you.

-Man is told-- -Objection.

A little leeway, please.

Thank you.

A man is told by his doctor more sex would kill him.

So he abstains for weeks. He sleeps in his guest room.

And then late one night,

the guy runs into his wife on the stairwell.

And he says to her, "I was coming upstairs to die--"

No, no. No, that's not it.

Whoa, whoa. Hey, hold-- Hold on. I got it.

He says, "I was coming up to die and--"

I'll tell it.

The man says, "I was coming upstairs

to commit suicide."

The wife says, "What a coincidence.

"I was coming downstairs to kill you."

[PEOPLE LAUGHING AND MURMURING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

That very joke ran on your favorite website

three days before your best friend died.

Did Harry know this joke? And again, you are under oath.

He did.

And three nights later,

when Harry "The Butcher of All Punch Lines" Kaplowitz

said that his wife was coming upstairs to kill him,

was he not, in your opinion, simply trying to tell a joke?

[♪♪♪]

He was.

But you've kept it to yourself all this time

cruelly punishing Isabella Kaplowitz

for rebuffing your advances.

Have you not, sir?

No further questions.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Ladies and gentlemen.

Well, as I said before, this is a love story.

Now, as it turns out,

it's a love triangle.

You see, what had been spun

as a dying accusation was, in fact,

the ultimate profession of love,

uttered by Harry, so we're told,

with a smile on his face.

The final tip of the hat to the woman

that loved him so indescribably,

and who ultimately granted him that wish to live,

and if need be, to die on his own terms.

-Not bad. -Team effort.

Mm-hmm. Still have a rogue juror. We wanna win fair.

-Patience. -STANTON: ...showed me more positions

than I ever remember in the Kama Sutra.

Now, is Isabella's loyalty to Harry

not the purest expression of love

that we could ever imagine?

And how could we, in all good conscience,

send this woman to prison for loving her husband so?

Surely, ladies and gentlemen,

we cannot.

Thank you.

Wait. I, uh, I think

that I put the wrong date on the invitations.

And I forgot chicken on the menu.

And I-- If I don't get to a treadmill,

-my wedding dress is-- -Bailiffs!

I told you not to pick me for this!

What are you looking at, dickhead?

What are you looking at? Turn around!

What? I have things to do today.

I can't do this today.

-I'm not ready. -BAILIFF: Calm down.

[ANABELLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

She really commits, doesn't she?

[♪♪♪]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

-Hey, how's the baby? -Hey!

What baby?

Oh, he's-- He's great. He's great.

-Thank you. -I thought it was a girl.

She's great too. Twins.

Did you get my gift baskets?

Yeah, thank you for the gift.

Don't thank me. I never sent them.

-Then who did? -I didn't send a gift

because you didn't have a baby.

-Yes, he did. -Right. Yeah.

I'll show you a picture if you want,

but I warn you, they're fresh out the oven.

There's a lot of slime involved.

-Do you wanna--? -Sure, I'd love to see.

You do? Yeah.

-How far you wanna go? -I'm done.

I didn't have a baby.

-How'd you know? -I'm a holy man.

-Well, I-- -Like a psychic?

Like I checked it out with Infeld.

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry. I was in a hurry

and I made up a little white lie.

I apologize.

-Forgiven? -No.

Really? You're a spiritual adviser.

It seems wrong.

I like lawyers who are honest.

I'll do the case for free. How about that?

-That's fair. -Okay.

-Hey, verdict was reached. -We gotta run.

Whatever you say. Yeah, later.

Oh, by the way, Sparky,

you have one more shot with Janie.

[♪♪♪]

-How did he know about Janie? -Mm-mm.

Have you reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

WOMAN: In the matter of California versus Isabella Kaplowitz,

we, the jury, find the defendant not guilty.

Yeah!

[♪♪♪]

Indeed.

I need one of those.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

It makes me really happy.

STANTON: Hilary, call Raul. Tell him dinner at 8.

And tell him to open a '91 bottle of that Redhawk

he's been going on about.

All right. Thank you.

Wow. Somebody's celebrating tonight.

You're all joining me.

You always roll this big?

This is a little rich for us.

The '91 Hawk, that's a $5000 bottle of wine.

Admittedly it's a tad higher-end than usual,

but the bill wasn't so hard to swallow

in light of the Vegas jackpot that I just hit.

Whoa. You did not.

When the odds were 50-to-1, how could I resist?

There's nothing unethical about betting on oneself,

as far as I know.

So cocktails 7:30 tonight.

Bring a lady if you must.

But don't get pissy when they want to come home with me.

-He's not kidding. -[LAUGHS]

We should have gotten on that action.

We did.

I parlayed the Cabo vacation fund.

-You the man! -Yeah, I'm the man.

-Wait a minute. -Huh?

You were betting against us winning.

It was like 50-to-1 odds. It's a sure thing.

No, no, no! How much? How much?

-[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY] -[GROANS]

You all right? Whoa! No. Wait.

♪ You've got a wonderful thing ♪

♪ You got a wonderful thing ♪

♪ You got a wonderful thing going on ♪

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ Such a vivid picture ♪

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ If I must say so myself ♪

♪ Oh, my, what a day Comin' at me anyway ♪

♪ Everything I try to say Just comes out backwards ♪

♪ Overthinkin' Underreachin' ♪

♪ Someone tells a joke I'm blinkin' ♪

♪ Nothing's all That's sinkin' in ♪