Original subtitles

Someone order a snack for Christmas?

Longest week of my life.

Come here.

Hot. Hot.

Hi.

I miss that.

Me too.

But if I don't get you back there in the next 30 seconds,

they will send a search party.

Come on.

Moving in?

Is there a problem?

Come on.

Everyone, say hi to Mish.

Hi.

Yeah, that one is Jude.

Not sure what they'll go for in June season, though.

-Can't be the dad jokes. -Call me daddy and come find out.

Cal said you were cute, but far...

What blackmail do they have on you?

Multiple orgasms.

The human vibrator strikes again.

My boy, Cal.

Thank God you're here.

I lose seven brain cells every second I'm alone with Cal and Jude.

Pieta, by the way.

You've told us absolutely nothing.

As usual, Cal.

How did you two meet?

At work. Speaking of, you want a Cosmo, Mitch?

Yes, please. I can help.

Stay. Tell the story.

It's better when you do it anyway.

Classic Cal. Always working.

Didn't mind when we dated.

Oh... Smooth.

Hold my hand.

Pieta, tell me about your partner.

Soph and I have been together for two years.

But Sophie is with Zoe for Christmas.

The problem with polyamory is too many names.

You're like a Christmas orphan.

Oh, which is fine. I'm a huge Grinch.

Is it fine?

You and your ex stuck in an Airbnb for New Year's Eve

watching the fireworks.

Yeah. Soph is so threatened by Cal.

You know, maybe Cal's not the one

that Sophie needs to be worried about.

Where have you been my whole life?

I like her.

Petition to the quarterly king to keep this one.

Quarterly king?

-It's a dumb joke. -Serial three month-er.

Jude.

S**t, Jude, can you come look at something for me?

-What is it? -OMG. Look.

It's an expiration date.

Looks like I've got two months left.

Hey, don't try and drown me then run. Let's go. Round two.

Oi. You're chickening out?

Nuh.

The adult just needs to start the barbecue.

Fine. Thanks, chef. Love your work.

Don't you dare.

You flip this bird, that is grounds for divorce.

No, it's not a New Year's resolution.

It's a bit serial-killery.

Look, guys, I think it's nice to bring in the New Year

with an act of service.

Is that what we're calling coming at the stroke of midnight now?

Yeah. The more you give, the more you receive.

Oh, and you love to receive, don't you?

I found it. They fell out of my bag.

Oh, I love these.

Do you guys remember the last time we used a confession card deck?

-I would pay to forget. -Don't be so dramatic, babe.

It wasn't that bad.

Other than Cal threatening a friend break up with all of us.

Lesbians don't need another reason to talk about their feelings.

-I'm going to take these in. -Pretty please? For me.

Come on. I've added a fun twist.

Know thyself. Or drink.

Drink...

Oh, me again. Lucky.

Let's see.

What's your most lovable quality?

Pass.

Alright, who's next?

Only 6,000 more f**king cards.

When was the last time you had sex?

Our schedules are a bit, you know,

I mean, I basically leave for work

when Jude comes home from the theatre.

Hey, I'm still down, but someone has to appear in court or whatever.

Do you know what? I'm going to bed.

I told you this game was a bad idea.

Yeah, because you being a d**khead is the card's fault.

Them not f**king is on me.

-Mish, your turn. -Maybe we should stop. Yeah?

Mish, what do people say when you walk out of the room?

Um, no. That's my worst nightmare.

Don't you worry, babe.

When you walk out of the room, this is all we talk about.

Yeah, I think that's my cue.

Yep.

And that's why we put them in the granny flat.

-What's wrong? -Nothing.

Why?

That usually gets you off in, like, eight seconds.

OK.

So, the thing is,

I'm not gonna come.

New Year, new me. Right?

-So I went back on my anti-D's. -Congrats.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

But I guess they kicked in, so now I can't come.

-Oh. -It's not you.

It still feels great.

It's just every time I think I'm about to come,

I hit the orgasm ceiling.

-The what? -Like the glass ceiling.

But for orgasms.

And instead of breaking through, I just, like, slam into it.

And maybe my big toe squeezes through.

-I'm sorry. -Don't be sorry.

You know, every ceiling has a load bearing limit.

Wanna look for it? Yeah?

Believe me, I've tried.

I have.

But just because I can't come doesn't mean you have to suffer.

Tell me what you want.

I promise. I'm good.

You haven't been selfish.

I just don't need it.

-OK. -Come here.

I missed this.

Say you're mine.

I'm yours.

I'm yours.

Always.

Love you.

I love you so f**king much.

F**k.

Oh, f**k.

Were you having a maz in your car?

-I was just getting something. -Mm-hm.

Getting off.

How are things with Mish?

-They're good. -Just good?

They're great.

We have a lot of fun together.

Right. Alone in your car?

Morning.

You slipped out early.

-Is there kale in this? -Your colon will thank me later.

You homos ready?

Yeah. Let me get my s**t and we can go.

-Go where? -Goliath Falls.

It's the smallest waterfall ever.

-I've never been. -Well, you're coming.

It's our annual pilgrimage.

Mainly to get everyone out of the house.

Cal finds us helping for feast night distracting.

-I need my sous-chef today. -That's new.

I promise to pay overtime.

OK. Bye. Don't have too much fun without us.

What's fun about prepping for a six-course meal?

Bye, sluts.

Bye.

-Wow. OK. -I know.

Tease.

I'm sorry this is taking so long.

I was hoping we'd have time

for you to come on every surface of this house.

I don't think there's enough time in the universe for that.

I'm just saying I always got an a for effort.

You're against it.

OK, chef.

Show me how it's done.

Did you know...

that you eat with your eyes as well as your mouth?

I'm well aware.

Do you know how hot you are right now?

Yeah.

Yeah. With your hands and your knife and your mouth.

You make me want to do stuff to you.

Do stuff.

So hot.

You make me want to bend you over

and spank you until you're begging to come on my hand.

Begging me to make you come.

Make you mine.

You want that, don't you?

Tell me how much you want it.

Tell me.

Come for me. You deserve it.

-Oh, f**k. -Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

That was so stupid.

I wasn't thinking.

It's OK. It wasn't you. The knife slipped.

-I'm sorry. -Show me.

Still have one good hand.

I'm not kidding about bending over.

Me first.

-How's that? -Um... A bit higher.

OK.

Better?

Yeah. Why?

I don't know. Angle's weird. Wrong hand.

OK.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Keep going.

I want you.

Touch me.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. You like that?

Yeah. Just like that.

F**k.

Is that too...?

More.

More.

-Oh, f**k. -F**k.

-Ow! F**k! -Come for me, baby.

-Oh, f**k. Come for me. -I want to look at you.

What's wrong?

Where the f**k's the band aid?

I'm really sorry.

I was in full reptile brain. I thought...

I told you I don't care if I don't come.

Yeah, no, I know. I'm fully going to make this up to you, though.

-Do you not like being touched? -Oh, got it.

Because I can respect that.

Obviously.

It's true.

I like making you feel good.

And you look really hot when you come.

So what?

I'm not hot when I'm not coming.

-I don't mean literally. -So what do you mean?

I don't know. Nothing. I don't mean anything.

Can we just f**k and not go down the introspective dyke wormhole?

Sure.

You two are so cute I'm gonna munt.

Promise?

So, New Year's resolutions?

Communicate with each other more.

I'm kind of into the make-up sex, though.

You're not eating.

I'm not hungry.

I can get you another drink.

It's fine. I can get it.

No. I'll get it.

I can get my own drink.

Do you guys need some space?

For what? We're fine.

What happened while we were out?

Nothing happened.

Literally nothing happened.

She literally can't come. So nothing happened.

And nothing's going to happen tonight either.

So happy f**king New Year.

-Wait, she can't come? -Nope.

Dude, are you broken?

F**k you, man. I'm not the one who's broken.

Oh. Does that feel good?

Yeah.

Are you close?

Oh, I'm so good in bed.

It's my only personality trait.

Yeah. You like that?

No. Take it.

Oh, yeah. You love that. Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna make you come so f**king hard.

Oh, come for me, baby.

Mish. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You are just like every other dumb f**kboy.

Except at least they don't cringe when I touch their d**ks.

You humiliated me.

How dare you call me broken?

Why are you so obsessed with making me come?

What? It's a weird fetish or something?

Notch in the bedpost.

Collector's item.

It's like talking to a f**king statue.

Get a f**king psych.

We'll say what you came here to say.

I didn't come to say anything.

Just bring one.

-Cold? -No.

-We can share. -I don't want it.

Just say you're cold and you want the blanky.

Just f**king take it.

I don't f**king need it.

Get off me!

I want to touch you.

Well, I want to touch you.

Tell me what you want.

I want to make you fall apart.

Still can't do it.

What?

Say what you actually want.

F**k me. Why is everyone so obsessed with that?

I'm fine. OK?

Yeah. You don't need anything from anyone.

Just like old times.

Is that why you broke up with me?

I knew you weren't happy.

I knew I couldn't give you what you wanted.

Anal.

I'm sorry. Stop. Please don't go. Please.

I'm...

I'm scared I don't know how to be loved.

Everyone's on this love yourself bulls**t. And I...

I don't even know what that means.

Did I miss a memo?

Am I broken?

Because whenever someone tries to say something

or do something nice for me,

I just hear this voice in my head saying,

"Stop. Who are you to accept that?

Have you earned it?

But wait, wait, no.

Maybe if you make them feel really good,

maybe then you can have a little treat.

Yeah. Focus on them.

Because they deserve it.

And you don't."

Man. I forgot how much of a self-loathing c**t you can be.

Excuse me.

You're not special, Cal.

You're not the first person to love so f**king hard it hurts.

You say you hate yourself, but...

If you're such a s**t c**t, what does that make us?

The people who love you.

Yeah. You're not going to be posting self-love memes anytime soon.

Who cares?

Stop pushing us away.

Stop acting like you're the only one

trying to give something to other people.

Because if you stop self-flagellating long enough

to be brave and ask for what you want, you can f**king have it.

Will you hold me?

Please.