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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,640
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour.
2
00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:07,120
I wanted to compliment you
on your beautiful eyes. I'm Scott.
3
00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:09,480
Janet's in hospital?
Not now, she's at home, kicking off.
4
00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:11,360
She got moody when
I said I was shagging you.
5
00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:14,800
You might want to go out?
Yeah, I think I might.
6
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,600
I know you slept with Gaz.
7
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:20,280
I will not be letting my hole
rule my head any longer.
8
00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,480
I want to talk to you,
I want to apologise.
9
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:26,840
Sowee!
10
00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:30,360
It's make your mind up time
and there will be no going back...
11
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:31,960
It's up to you, Gaz.
12
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,960
So, who's it going to be?
13
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:48,600
with bubbles in it
14
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:54,240
handle anything stronger now
15
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,600
Three o'clock?
16
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:12,480
You're giving me till three o'clock
to decide?
17
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:14,480
Man City kick off at three.
18
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,120
Why can't one of you just get
ate by a shark or summat?
19
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,680
Look, this is preposterous.
20
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,480
I'm not putting up with this.
This is misogynistic.
21
00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:26,880
This is anti-feminist. This is
not what I as a person stand for.
22
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:29,560
Donna's right.
23
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:30,600
Mmmm!
24
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,640
What is it you stand for again?
25
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,040
You know, it's...
26
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,600
feminism and that.
27
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,320
Which is?
28
00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:43,160
Sorry, pardon, what?
29
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:45,440
Yes, you've got a point there, Janet.
30
00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:46,600
What do you mean?
31
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:50,840
Feminism. It's like, you know,
it's like...Germaine Greer.
32
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:56,240
And, and, not shaving your legs.
33
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,760
Oh! I'm a feminist.
34
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:03,720
And, and,
being equal to men, and shit.
35
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,520
Donna, Donna, Donna...
36
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:07,720
sweetheart.
37
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,320
How can you be equal to men?
38
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,120
You have no penis.
39
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:22,760
That's exactly what I'm
talking about. That's sexist.
40
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,960
What, I'm sexist
cos I have a penis?
41
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,160
No, you're sexist for saying
42
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:31,040
I'm somehow less than you
for not having one.
43
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:35,480
Yes, well, you are. I mean, come on,
it's absolutely massive.
44
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:39,320
He's right. It's bigger than
Corinthian's head. Oh, Jeez.
45
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,600
OK, right, right.
The way I see it, right,
46
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,040
is that feminism is about
not fighting
47
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,040
over the approval of some man.
48
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:53,040
Well, this isn't just some man,
is it? Hey, this is Gaz Wilkinson.
49
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,760
No! It's, dis...
50
00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,720
You're wrong there because of...
51
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,280
Damn you, Gaz Wilkinson!
52
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,520
Three o'clock
or I'm out of your life.
53
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:09,760
She loves me.
54
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,440
Forever.
55
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:14,920
Sorry, I felt a bit left out.
56
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:20,280
He's simply an animal.
57
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,960
I mean after all this time,
you'd think, after all this time,
58
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,720
he should just settle down,
59
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,240
selfish bastard.
60
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:31,000
OK, so now we know how you
feel about The Littlest Hobo.
61
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,840
But we were talking about Gaz.
62
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:37,200
Well, between you and me,
it's men like Gaz Wilkinson
63
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,800
that make me glad I've got
Scott, my boy band boyfriend.
64
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,680
Oh, you two are so cute together.
65
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,760
I've never seen you so happy!
66
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,600
I'm ecstatic!
67
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:50,080
Although, Scott does have
a bad boy image to maintain.
68
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,840
I'm his "ho".
69
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:57,400
And as such I must remain
"hoochie fierce" apparently.
70
00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:00,600
So where is S to the C to the O T T?
71
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:06,120
Oh, he's on tour.
50 dates. 40 venues.
72
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,920
How will you cope with the groupies?
73
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:08,960
The what?!
74
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,160
The fans.
75
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,960
The ones who give blow jobs
to the 50-year-old roadies
76
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,440
to get into the band's hotel.
77
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:17,120
Oh, ye gads!
78
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:20,720
You're saying that in venues up
and down the country, young girls
79
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:24,000
will be throwing themselves at him
and his whitened teeth?
80
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,640
Not just girls.
81
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:29,360
Grrrrrls. Miaow.
82
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,200
What am I going to do?
83
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:34,240
Where will I get a shitty stick
from, to beat them off with?
84
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,920
How about that pole
that's been stuck up your arse
85
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,440
ever since I've known you?
86
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:43,600
Stick another one in there, Tim.
87
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,280
Scott having trouble with
the "wandering eye" is he?
88
00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:51,600
No, his management corrected
his squint with an eye patch.
89
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:55,480
I wish I could offer some advice,
but I've been cuckolded myself.
90
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:58,840
Yup, Gaz Wilkinson has
been holding my cuck.
91
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:03,440
Don't worry,
Donna will come back to you.
92
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,600
After all. Gaz'll want to
stay with his baby, won't he?
93
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,200
That's true, Wesley,
94
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:12,160
Gaz did get parental responsibility
for Corinthian from the courts.
95
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:15,560
Which was weird, seeing as
he's the biological father.
96
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:18,480
No, he's not. Jonny is.
97
00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:20,320
Dead Jonny,
98
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,120
Janet's husband.
99
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:24,960
Oh, my God.
100
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,920
You mustn't tell! Zip it, bitch!
101
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:32,240
Corinthian's all Janet's
got left of Jonny.
102
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,080
Except from the lingering odour.
103
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,680
And Gaz wouldn't want Janet's
heart broken would he? Oh, no.
104
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,040
What you're saying is,
Wesley Presley
105
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,880
suddenly has a bargaining chip.
106
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:53,080
Get out, Donna,
you curly adulteress!
HE HISSES
107
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,280
Sorry for my tone.
I've been drinking whiskey
108
00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:00,440
and it has made me in the
words of the proverb, frisky.
109
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:03,840
Yeah, Donna, come on.
Me and you need to talk as well.
110
00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:07,640
We need to get things
straightened between us. Sister!
111
00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,560
I'm good at all this femininninnism!
112
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,720
Gaz Wilkinson. Prepare to die.
113
00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:22,520
Ring! You piece of shit! Ring!
114
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,760
Practising your marriage proposal,
are we?
115
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,400
No.
116
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,000
Scott still hasn't phoned.
117
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:34,120
He's obviously being straddled
by a groupie called Chloe
118
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:37,360
with the Chinese symbol for
"courage" tattooed to her tits.
119
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:39,880
Slag!
120
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,520
How long's he been gone?
121
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:45,760
Four hours and 16 minutes.
122
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:49,160
Well, that's nothing. You wouldn't
expect him to check in with you
123
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,520
every minute of every day
while he's at work.
124
00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:52,800
Don't be ridic!
125
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,800
Every 30 minutes.
126
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,760
Just a text! One text.
127
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:02,480
Even if it's just a smiley face,
or a LOL, or a ROFLMAO.
128
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,680
He adores you.
129
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,480
But his phone might be dead.
130
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,800
Or he might be in a meeting.
Or rehearsing.
131
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:12,760
No! I charged his phone before
I checked his texts this morning.
132
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:18,560
He's playing Wrexham Garden Centre
which takes 40 minutes to get to.
133
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,760
I allow time
for a slice of coffee cake
134
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,200
and a browse amongst
the flora and fauna.
135
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:24,560
He likes fauna.
136
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,680
He performs his three songs.
137
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,600
Checks into his hotel. Which means,
for an hour he's been
138
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,680
banging a 16 year old
in a leather bra!
139
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,120
Why would he be wearing
a leather bra?
140
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,280
I'm going to phone him.
141
00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:40,040
No! It's ringing.
142
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:44,160
He'll think you're psycho.
Oh, that's what they all say.
143
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:47,960
Oh, hi, Scott!
I was just phoning to...
144
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:55,520
Oh, really! Oh, well,
I'd best let you go then.
145
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,120
Ciao for now.
146
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,400
Why did you let me phone him?!
147
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,400
He's just going on stage now,
they got stuck in traffic.
148
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,760
He's going to think I'm a bunny
boiler calling him all the time!
149
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,280
I'd best phone him
and put him right.
150
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,120
Scott!
151
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,360
I'm not a bunny boiler.
152
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,840
Er, yeah, you've got to go.
153
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:24,760
Yeah, I know.
154
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,040
Why did you let me phone him?!
155
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,960
I'm going to have to text
and say I'm sorry.
156
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:32,480
No, no.
157
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:35,120
Janet, look after my phone.
158
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,000
I'm not going to ring him again.
159
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,200
Word.
160
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:43,440
The mad bint. What kind of woman
gets so obsessed with a man
161
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,480
that she subjugates
herself like that?
162
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,600
Oh, wrong crowd.
163
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:56,560
Never take your eye
off your opponent.
164
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:04,520
A little birdie told me something
about you, Gaz.
165
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,920
What birdie? That parrot
in the pet shop in the old town?
166
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,560
Because I didn't tell him to say,
"I'm a pretty boy".
167
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:11,760
It's his own opinion.
168
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,440
I've got something on you, Gaz.
169
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:17,320
This whole secret's going to blow up
in your face like a rancid yoghurt.
170
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,880
What secret? I'm an open book.
you've got nothing on me.
171
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,440
About Corinthian? About your son?
172
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,400
Janet can't know about that, Wesley.
173
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:31,280
Oh, can't she? What if I told her?
174
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:36,800
What if I opened my face and blurted
it out like a rancid yoghurt?
175
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,840
What's stopping me, Gaz?
176
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:40,560
Why shouldn't I tell Janet?
177
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,840
She has a right to know,
doesn't she?
178
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:45,120
You listen to me, you,
you big long bitch...
179
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:49,680
It would ruin everything.
It'd blow us all apart.
180
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,280
What do you want me to do?
181
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:55,880
I want you, Gaz Wilkinson,
182
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,800
to let me punch you in the face.
183
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:05,760
And not hit me back.
184
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:08,880
That's it?
185
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,000
Yeah.
186
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,680
Have it, sucker. Go on. Hit me.
187
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,640
Although, although,
I thought you would have wanted me
188
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,040
to never see Donna again
or something but...
189
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:19,080
Oh, fiddlesticks!
190
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,560
No backsies, come on.
191
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:29,360
How could I fall twice for
some thumb-headed mechanic?
192
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,280
He does have a really massive cock.
193
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:36,640
Maybe it's because he's the only
man who's ever stood up to me.
194
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,840
I'm the yin to his yang.
195
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,240
It is one hell of a yang.
196
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,280
Look at you both. You're pathetic.
197
00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,200
Shut up, Tim. No!
198
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,320
I've held my tongue for long enough.
199
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,320
You've been back and forth,
back and forth.
200
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,960
This isn't Wimbledon!
201
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,360
This is Wimble-don't!
202
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,920
Wimble-don't?
203
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:01,240
Tim, I'm not quite clear
on what a Wimble is.
204
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:04,160
You are! And you.
205
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:07,840
If you don't resolve
this sorry, sorry mess,
206
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,800
there'll be no more
Wimbling for anyone!
207
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:11,840
Yeah.
208
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,560
Does he get weirder?
209
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:19,120
In a way he's right
though, isn't he?
210
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,920
We need to get this sorted,
it's doing my head in.
211
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,960
I thought you didn't
want Gaz any more.
212
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,680
So did I. But I do.
213
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:27,720
Well, then it's a stalemate,
isn't it?
214
00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,360
Neither of us will let him go.
215
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,520
At least I tried to.
216
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,320
I moved halfway across the country
to get away from him.
217
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:35,680
How could I be so stupid?!
218
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:40,000
How did I think I could just
run away from my own shit.
219
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,720
I'm not Paula Radcliffe.
220
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,400
Should I leave?
Should I move to that London?
221
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,240
Oh, God, no. You'd hate it.
222
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:53,480
All those lovely big parks.
223
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,080
Full of pigeons eating sick.
224
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,400
And the fancy modern art galleries.
225
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,360
Full of pictures of
pigeons eating sick.
226
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:02,640
And the night life.
227
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,080
People making pigeon food.
228
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:07,040
Awww!
229
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:08,120
Ugh!
230
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,040
You have to stay.
231
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,360
Well, should I go?
232
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,320
No. I missed you
too much when you went.
233
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,840
When you came back you'd
developed strange tics.
234
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,280
You started speaking really weird.
235
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,560
"Like totally amazing, yeah?"
236
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:25,040
"Loving your work."
237
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:26,360
You were a twat.
238
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,720
Shut up, you cheeky cow!
239
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:32,640
"Like, totally sorry."
Stop it.
240
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:33,880
"Cos you don't need this
241
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,360
"cos you're working on yourself
spiritually."
242
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,960
Oh, my God, I was a knob.
243
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,920
I really missed Runcorn.
244
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,040
I'm so glad you came back.
245
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,080
Yeah, me too. I missed you most.
246
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,400
That's why this can't go on.
247
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,440
We both love the same person.
248
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,760
Oh! For Beyonce's sake!
249
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,640
You both, quite frankly,
can do a lot better.
250
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:04,480
Both stunningly beautiful women,
both intelligent, both young.
251
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,760
The way he's acted, he doesn't
deserve either one of you!
252
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:13,280
All these deceptions, lies,
and secrets. This isn't EastEnders!
253
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,200
This is EastEn...doesn't!
254
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:20,640
Mmmm, yeah.
255
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,640
Oh, forget it.
256
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,160
In a way he's right,
though, isn't he?
257
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:29,520
Yes. In a roundabout, very,
very, very peculiar way, he is.
258
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:33,360
So we should both say goodbye to
him. He really isn't worth all this.
259
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:34,960
He isn't. He really isn't.
260
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,720
Do you know what?
We should both dump his ass!
261
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:39,840
I hear you, sister!
262
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,080
Let that be a lesson to you!
263
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,240
Oh, yeah, it was a sound thrashing.
264
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,160
Who am I kidding?
You're not hurt at all.
265
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:02,440
No, no, you know, I really am,
I mean, you hurt my feelings.
266
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,480
You're not going to tell Janet,
are you?
267
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,800
I suppose not. But why couldn't you
have left my girlfriend alone?
268
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,320
Because I love her, Wesley.
269
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,240
I'm sick of being second best.
270
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,360
Oh, Wesley.
271
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,200
It's cos you are second best.
272
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,240
Fine, then she loves you too.
273
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:22,560
But it's not fair.
It's not fair on anyone.
274
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,920
Least of all, that little kid
with the weird name.
275
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,840
All right! I can't
decide what to do.
276
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,560
If I don't decide by three o'clock,
I'll lose them all.
277
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:32,080
Why don't you shag them both
278
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,640
and see who's better?
279
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:37,160
Oh, sorry, you already did that,
you stupid, spoilt bastard!
280
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,520
You might be onto something there.
281
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,960
I was being facetious.
282
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,280
I should audition them.
283
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,120
It will be like the X Factor.
284
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,880
Or.... The Sex Factor.
285
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,040
You get it? The Sex Factor?!
286
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,680
Who's the stupid
spoilt bastard now, eh?
287
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:56,960
Still you.
288
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:04,480
I could judge them on looks,
and housewifery,
289
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:05,880
and if I'm lucky,
290
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,480
sexual technique.
291
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,720
How do you get away with it,
you disgusting, little man?
292
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,320
Why won't he just call?
293
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:17,840
I want Scott to only want me
294
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,680
and not get distracted
by young nubiles
295
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,640
waving their pants in his ears.
296
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,200
When me and Gaz got together,
297
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:27,200
I used to send him naughty pictures
to his phone.
298
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:30,840
A naughty picture? You think that
might pique his interest?
299
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:33,640
Well, much as I hate to say it,
it always worked on Gaz.
300
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:38,160
Well, I will send Scott a little
picture of me. But not like that.
301
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,400
Nothing that the tabloids
can get hold of.
302
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:44,600
You know what the British press
are like with celeb-ritay.
303
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,600
And you know what men are
like with dirty photo messages.
304
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,360
They send them to everyone.
305
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,040
Gaz wouldn't do that.
306
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:52,520
Nice tits, Donna!
307
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:55,960
That bastard. Right.
308
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,640
We're going round there right now
to tell him that we, as sisters...
309
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,560
Sisters! Yes, together.
310
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:05,160
Don't want him or his
freakishly enormous genitals!
311
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:08,080
How big are we talking?
312
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:09,400
It was really impressive.
313
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,040
He could hang a grapefruit off it.
MOBILE BEEPS
314
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,320
Are you coming, or what?
315
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,640
I would, but...
316
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,360
I think he's chosen me.
317
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:18,880
Later, sister!
318
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:23,880
You all right, Janet? Gaz!
319
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:25,920
I knew you'd choose us!
320
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,320
I thought for a bit
that you might go with Donna,
321
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:32,480
you know all child-free and hassle
free and with the cosy vagina.
322
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,320
But I knew you couldn't leave us.
323
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,480
Oh, Gaz!
We can be a proper family again!
324
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:42,120
Well, hey! Whoa, yeah. You're
jumping the gun a bit there, love.
325
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:47,320
Right. I've gotta say, um, looks.
326
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,080
Yeah, you're not bad. Yeah.
327
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,880
You've got a bit of sagging
since the breastfeeding,
328
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:57,200
but I can overlook that
due to the sheer volume of tittage.
329
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,880
Gaz, what do you mean?
What are you doing?
330
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,800
I'm judging you.
You know, so I can decide.
331
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:06,720
Now, housewifery...
332
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,480
that's pretty frigging rubbish.
333
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,640
Gaz, what's going on?
334
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,640
Now, here's the clincher.
335
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:15,920
Gimme a wank!
336
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,320
What in God's name
are you going on about?
337
00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,840
This is important. I've got to
take each woman on their own merit.
338
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,120
You're doing very well.
339
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,120
It's OK.
340
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,640
Donna was right.
341
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:29,320
I was going to give you
the benefit of the doubt.
342
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,920
You're nothing but a sexist pig.
343
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,960
You can't treat me like this!
344
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,760
You can't mess with our lives
like a game of football.
345
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,960
Which reminds me,
kick-off's in ten minutes
346
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,880
so, if you could start
the hand-job.
347
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,840
Tick tock, tick tock! Come on!
348
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,360
No, Gaz.
349
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,160
No. You get out.
350
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,920
I don't need this and Corinthian
certainly doesn't.
351
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,560
Go on. Maybe it's not too late
for you and Donna.
352
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,400
Or failing that, some other woman.
353
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,080
Who?
354
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:56,840
What?
355
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,320
Who's this other woman?
356
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,400
Is she fit?
357
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,360
Get out of my house.
And get out of my life!
358
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:07,440
This is no way for a father
to behave. No way at all!
359
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:08,480
Yes, it is, I was...
360
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:09,760
Judging me on my looks?
361
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,440
Well, they're going to fade.
362
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:13,760
My housework?
I'll always be a skank.
363
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,320
My hand-jobs...
364
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,680
well, they're quite
frankly excellent,
365
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,520
but you...from now on,
and always will be a wanker!
366
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:23,360
Go on! Get out! You piece of shit!
367
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,440
You stay away from me
and Corinthian!
368
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,360
I can't stay away from Corinthian.
369
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,160
He's my son.
370
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,160
No, he isn't.
371
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:40,520
Gaz, Tim, I need your opinions.
372
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:45,040
Scott, my celebrity boyfriend,
still hasn't phoned me.
373
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,920
So I need you to tell me
which of these picture
374
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:51,960
is the most come-hither.
Here's me at my most playful!
375
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,880
My sexy face.
376
00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,920
And finally,
377
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,240
my moody, tormented sex goddess
378
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:05,840
with a hint of the mysterious
behind the visage.
379
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,640
Louise, come here.
380
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,400
Get off me, you filthy oaf!
381
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,280
PHONE CLICKS
382
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,160
And send. Oh, my God!
383
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:20,640
What have you done?
384
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,280
He's going to think
I'm a cheap slapper!
385
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,440
He'll love it.
We all love the standing muff shot.
386
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:29,840
How dare you
ruin my chance of happiness!
387
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:33,560
Why not, I've ruined everyone else's.
388
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,040
Although...
389
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:38,160
Donna.
390
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,680
Gaz, it's nearly three.
391
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,800
I've been thinking about this.
392
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,400
Long and hard. Really hard.
393
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:48,960
And there's something I need
to ask you. Something important.
394
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,480
Yeah?
395
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,120
How do you feel
396
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,800
about breast implants?
397
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,080
Ohhh!
398
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:09,680
MOBILE BEEPS
399
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:13,040
Oh, here comes the text dumping.
400
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,040
"I think I love you." Huh!
401
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:19,040
Well, that's an original way
of putting it.
402
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,280
Oh...
403
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,720
he means it!
404
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,400
Nobody's ever said
that to me before!
405
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,120
I can't imagine why.
406
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,600
He loves me! He loves me!
407
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,560
Now.
408
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,240
How do I play hard to get?
409
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,280
Phone off.
410
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,400
Wesley!
411
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,000
Wesley!
412
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,640
Buy us a pint to stick my balls in.
413
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:52,480
Sorry, mate. I don't think
I can be seen with you.
414
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:54,880
I thought we were mates.
415
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:57,800
You shagged my girlfriend.
You abandoned your kid.
416
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,520
You ain't the most popular man.
417
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:04,440
Mates before dates, bros before hos,
chaps before baps.
418
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,840
I'm sorry, Gaz.
You're a total prick.
419
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,600
Tim, Tim, we're mates, aren't we?
420
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,080
Gaz, you're bad for custom.
421
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:17,160
Maybe you should make yourself
scarce for a few days?
422
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,640
Like, two or three thousand.
423
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,640
Louise?
424
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,120
What?
425
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,640
Nothing.
426
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:31,880
What have I been doing?!
427
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,640
It's obvious who I should be with.
What time is it?
428
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,640
Five to three.
429
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,160
I've been a fucking idiot.
430
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,800
LAUGHTER
431
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:52,760
the one to make you understand
432
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:56,840
I'm going to be your man
433
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,280
Come on!
434
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:27,320
the one to make you understand
435
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,760
I'm just moving it!
436
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,320
Come on!
437
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,120
POLICE SIREN
438
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:53,680
Shit! No.
439
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,520
Yeah! Whoo hooo!
440
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,760
Have it pigs!
441
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,040
Ah! Shit!
442
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:16,720
Ah! Jesus!
443
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,760
CRASHING
444
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:25,920
GAZ COUGHS
445
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:27,040
Argh!
446
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,480
Help! Help!
447
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:51,680
ELECTRONIC BEEPING
448
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:01,760
Awake, are we?
449
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,760
I heard you'd been
in an accident.
450
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:12,880
Well, when I first heard the news
I thought, "Good. I hope he dies."
451
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,680
Because Gaz Wilkinson,
452
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:20,880
you have ruined my life,
not once, not twice,
453
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:24,760
but over and over and over.
454
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:26,920
And then I got to thinking,
455
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:32,600
why am I driving to the hospital
so fast just to see if he's dead?
456
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:39,440
If he's not, maybe it's so that
I can hold a pillow over his face
457
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:43,400
or put little razor nicks in his
bell-end until he wakes up
458
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:47,240
and then hold the aforementioned
pillow over his face.
459
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,640
And then, a week later,
when I was still sat here...
460
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:54,280
..day after day...
461
00:24:55,480 --> 00:25:00,360
..not so much as
changing my clothes,
which is why I smell like a horse...
462
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,520
..I started thinking,
am I an idiot?
463
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:05,800
And...
464
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,360
I am.
And every time I washed you...
465
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,360
..or shouted at the nurses
for not having any answers,
466
00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:16,720
I thought why am I doing this,
for this horrible, stupid man?
467
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:21,480
And when the paramedics told me
that it was me
468
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,840
you'd asked for at the scene,
why did I care, Gaz?
469
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,320
And there's only one answer.
470
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:33,280
I love you.
471
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:36,400
And I ha...
472
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:38,400
Oh, I hate myself
473
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,960
for it, but I do. And ummm...
474
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:45,240
And I know you love me too,
that's just the way that it is.
475
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,240
So...
476
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:49,240
here's what we're going to do.
477
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:52,760
We're going to sort this out,
me and you.
478
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,440
And we're going to start again.
479
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,680
And from now on,
480
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:58,640
it's just me and you.
481
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,360
What about Corinthian?
482
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:01,560
Oh, yeah, I know.
483
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,480
I know, yeah, Corinthian.
484
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,720
That bloody baby. Well, it's...
485
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:09,000
It's going to be a tough one,
is that.
486
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:14,240
But for God sakes, if I can get over
that, if I can get over everything
487
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:18,400
that you've put me through
and still be here, you bastard!
488
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:25,480
..then you can do every single thing
in your power
489
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:28,520
to make this work. OK?
490
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:34,320
OK, just blink once
for yes and twice for no.
491
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:41,920
It's always been you.
492
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:43,960
SHE CRIES
493
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:02,240
You ain't coming
round, treating me like that!
494
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:09,440
Ugh!
495
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:13,960
that's right
496
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:18,720
I know you slept with Gaz.
497
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,840
I just need to talk to Donna....
Sowee!
498
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:22,360
..and punch her in the tits!
499
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:26,600
those eyes
500
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:39,720
LOUISE SCREAMS
501
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,200
You've ruined everything.
502
00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:49,880
How could you do this to me
after everything?
503
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:53,280
Never take
your eye off your opponent.
504
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:54,800
Shut it! Argh!
505
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:01,160
Just making sure everything's all...
506
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:16,040
You're nothing but a sexist pig.
507
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:18,600
Oh!
36879
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