Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

I wanted to compliment you on your beautiful eyes. I'm Scott.

Janet's in hospital? Not now, she's at home, kicking off.

She got moody when I said I was shagging you.

You might want to go out? Yeah, I think I might.

I know you slept with Gaz.

I will not be letting my hole rule my head any longer.

I want to talk to you, I want to apologise.

Sowee!

It's make your mind up time and there will be no going back...

It's up to you, Gaz.

So, who's it going to be?

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

Three o'clock?

You're giving me till three o'clock to decide?

Man City kick off at three.

Why can't one of you just get ate by a shark or summat?

Look, this is preposterous.

I'm not putting up with this. This is misogynistic.

This is anti-feminist. This is not what I as a person stand for.

Donna's right.

Mmmm!

What is it you stand for again?

You know, it's...

feminism and that.

Which is?

Sorry, pardon, what?

Yes, you've got a point there, Janet.

What do you mean?

Feminism. It's like, you know, it's like...Germaine Greer.

And, and, not shaving your legs.

Oh! I'm a feminist.

And, and, being equal to men, and shit.

Donna, Donna, Donna...

sweetheart.

How can you be equal to men?

You have no penis.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. That's sexist.

What, I'm sexist cos I have a penis?

No, you're sexist for saying

I'm somehow less than you for not having one.

Yes, well, you are. I mean, come on, it's absolutely massive.

He's right. It's bigger than Corinthian's head. Oh, Jeez.

OK, right, right. The way I see it, right,

is that feminism is about not fighting

over the approval of some man.

Well, this isn't just some man, is it? Hey, this is Gaz Wilkinson.

No! It's, dis...

You're wrong there because of...

Damn you, Gaz Wilkinson!

Three o'clock or I'm out of your life.

She loves me.

Forever.

Sorry, I felt a bit left out.

He's simply an animal.

I mean after all this time, you'd think, after all this time,

he should just settle down,

selfish bastard.

OK, so now we know how you feel about The Littlest Hobo.

But we were talking about Gaz.

Well, between you and me, it's men like Gaz Wilkinson

that make me glad I've got Scott, my boy band boyfriend.

Oh, you two are so cute together.

I've never seen you so happy!

I'm ecstatic!

Although, Scott does have a bad boy image to maintain.

I'm his "ho".

And as such I must remain "hoochie fierce" apparently.

So where is S to the C to the O T T?

Oh, he's on tour. 50 dates. 40 venues.

How will you cope with the groupies?

The what?!

The fans.

The ones who give blow jobs to the 50-year-old roadies

to get into the band's hotel.

Oh, ye gads!

You're saying that in venues up and down the country, young girls

will be throwing themselves at him and his whitened teeth?

Not just girls.

Grrrrrls. Miaow.

What am I going to do?

Where will I get a shitty stick from, to beat them off with?

How about that pole that's been stuck up your arse

ever since I've known you?

Stick another one in there, Tim.

Scott having trouble with the "wandering eye" is he?

No, his management corrected his squint with an eye patch.

I wish I could offer some advice, but I've been cuckolded myself.

Yup, Gaz Wilkinson has been holding my cuck.

Don't worry, Donna will come back to you.

After all. Gaz'll want to stay with his baby, won't he?

That's true, Wesley,

Gaz did get parental responsibility for Corinthian from the courts.

Which was weird, seeing as he's the biological father.

No, he's not. Jonny is.

Dead Jonny,

Janet's husband.

Oh, my God.

You mustn't tell! Zip it, bitch!

Corinthian's all Janet's got left of Jonny.

Except from the lingering odour.

And Gaz wouldn't want Janet's heart broken would he? Oh, no.

What you're saying is, Wesley Presley

suddenly has a bargaining chip.

Get out, Donna, you curly adulteress! HE HISSES

Sorry for my tone. I've been drinking whiskey

and it has made me in the words of the proverb, frisky.

Yeah, Donna, come on. Me and you need to talk as well.

We need to get things straightened between us. Sister!

I'm good at all this femininninnism!

Gaz Wilkinson. Prepare to die.

Ring! You piece of shit! Ring!

Practising your marriage proposal, are we?

No.

Scott still hasn't phoned.

He's obviously being straddled by a groupie called Chloe

with the Chinese symbol for "courage" tattooed to her tits.

Slag!

How long's he been gone?

Four hours and 16 minutes.

Well, that's nothing. You wouldn't expect him to check in with you

every minute of every day while he's at work.

Don't be ridic!

Every 30 minutes.

Just a text! One text.

Even if it's just a smiley face, or a LOL, or a ROFLMAO.

He adores you.

But his phone might be dead.

Or he might be in a meeting. Or rehearsing.

No! I charged his phone before I checked his texts this morning.

He's playing Wrexham Garden Centre which takes 40 minutes to get to.

I allow time for a slice of coffee cake

and a browse amongst the flora and fauna.

He likes fauna.

He performs his three songs.

Checks into his hotel. Which means, for an hour he's been

banging a 16 year old in a leather bra!

Why would he be wearing a leather bra?

I'm going to phone him.

No! It's ringing.

He'll think you're psycho. Oh, that's what they all say.

Oh, hi, Scott! I was just phoning to...

Oh, really! Oh, well, I'd best let you go then.

Ciao for now.

Why did you let me phone him?!

He's just going on stage now, they got stuck in traffic.

He's going to think I'm a bunny boiler calling him all the time!

I'd best phone him and put him right.

Scott!

I'm not a bunny boiler.

Er, yeah, you've got to go.

Yeah, I know.

Why did you let me phone him?!

I'm going to have to text and say I'm sorry.

No, no.

Janet, look after my phone.

I'm not going to ring him again.

Word.

The mad bint. What kind of woman gets so obsessed with a man

that she subjugates herself like that?

Oh, wrong crowd.

Never take your eye off your opponent.

A little birdie told me something about you, Gaz.

What birdie? That parrot in the pet shop in the old town?

Because I didn't tell him to say, "I'm a pretty boy".

It's his own opinion.

I've got something on you, Gaz.

This whole secret's going to blow up in your face like a rancid yoghurt.

What secret? I'm an open book. you've got nothing on me.

About Corinthian? About your son?

Janet can't know about that, Wesley.

Oh, can't she? What if I told her?

What if I opened my face and blurted it out like a rancid yoghurt?

What's stopping me, Gaz?

Why shouldn't I tell Janet?

She has a right to know, doesn't she?

You listen to me, you, you big long bitch...

It would ruin everything. It'd blow us all apart.

What do you want me to do?

I want you, Gaz Wilkinson,

to let me punch you in the face.

And not hit me back.

That's it?

Yeah.

Have it, sucker. Go on. Hit me.

Although, although, I thought you would have wanted me

to never see Donna again or something but...

Oh, fiddlesticks!

No backsies, come on.

How could I fall twice for some thumb-headed mechanic?

He does have a really massive cock.

Maybe it's because he's the only man who's ever stood up to me.

I'm the yin to his yang.

It is one hell of a yang.

Look at you both. You're pathetic.

Shut up, Tim. No!

I've held my tongue for long enough.

You've been back and forth, back and forth.

This isn't Wimbledon!

This is Wimble-don't!

Wimble-don't?

Tim, I'm not quite clear on what a Wimble is.

You are! And you.

If you don't resolve this sorry, sorry mess,

there'll be no more Wimbling for anyone!

Yeah.

Does he get weirder?

In a way he's right though, isn't he?

We need to get this sorted, it's doing my head in.

I thought you didn't want Gaz any more.

So did I. But I do.

Well, then it's a stalemate, isn't it?

Neither of us will let him go.

At least I tried to.

I moved halfway across the country to get away from him.

How could I be so stupid?!

How did I think I could just run away from my own shit.

I'm not Paula Radcliffe.

Should I leave? Should I move to that London?

Oh, God, no. You'd hate it.

All those lovely big parks.

Full of pigeons eating sick.

And the fancy modern art galleries.

Full of pictures of pigeons eating sick.

And the night life.

People making pigeon food.

Awww!

Ugh!

You have to stay.

Well, should I go?

No. I missed you too much when you went.

When you came back you'd developed strange tics.

You started speaking really weird.

"Like totally amazing, yeah?"

"Loving your work."

You were a twat.

Shut up, you cheeky cow!

"Like, totally sorry." Stop it.

"Cos you don't need this

"cos you're working on yourself spiritually."

Oh, my God, I was a knob.

I really missed Runcorn.

I'm so glad you came back.

Yeah, me too. I missed you most.

That's why this can't go on.

We both love the same person.

Oh! For Beyonce's sake!

You both, quite frankly, can do a lot better.

Both stunningly beautiful women, both intelligent, both young.

The way he's acted, he doesn't deserve either one of you!

All these deceptions, lies, and secrets. This isn't EastEnders!

This is EastEn...doesn't!

Mmmm, yeah.

Oh, forget it.

In a way he's right, though, isn't he?

Yes. In a roundabout, very, very, very peculiar way, he is.

So we should both say goodbye to him. He really isn't worth all this.

He isn't. He really isn't.

Do you know what? We should both dump his ass!

I hear you, sister!

Let that be a lesson to you!

Oh, yeah, it was a sound thrashing.

Who am I kidding? You're not hurt at all.

No, no, you know, I really am, I mean, you hurt my feelings.

You're not going to tell Janet, are you?

I suppose not. But why couldn't you have left my girlfriend alone?

Because I love her, Wesley.

I'm sick of being second best.

Oh, Wesley.

It's cos you are second best.

Fine, then she loves you too.

But it's not fair. It's not fair on anyone.

Least of all, that little kid with the weird name.

All right! I can't decide what to do.

If I don't decide by three o'clock, I'll lose them all.

Why don't you shag them both

and see who's better?

Oh, sorry, you already did that, you stupid, spoilt bastard!

You might be onto something there.

I was being facetious.

I should audition them.

It will be like the X Factor.

Or.... The Sex Factor.

You get it? The Sex Factor?!

Who's the stupid spoilt bastard now, eh?

Still you.

I could judge them on looks, and housewifery,

and if I'm lucky,

sexual technique.

How do you get away with it, you disgusting, little man?

Why won't he just call?

I want Scott to only want me

and not get distracted by young nubiles

waving their pants in his ears.

When me and Gaz got together,

I used to send him naughty pictures to his phone.

A naughty picture? You think that might pique his interest?

Well, much as I hate to say it, it always worked on Gaz.

Well, I will send Scott a little picture of me. But not like that.

Nothing that the tabloids can get hold of.

You know what the British press are like with celeb-ritay.

And you know what men are like with dirty photo messages.

They send them to everyone.

Gaz wouldn't do that.

Nice tits, Donna!

That bastard. Right.

We're going round there right now to tell him that we, as sisters...

Sisters! Yes, together.

Don't want him or his freakishly enormous genitals!

How big are we talking?

It was really impressive.

He could hang a grapefruit off it. MOBILE BEEPS

Are you coming, or what?

I would, but...

I think he's chosen me.

Later, sister!

You all right, Janet? Gaz!

I knew you'd choose us!

I thought for a bit that you might go with Donna,

you know all child-free and hassle free and with the cosy vagina.

But I knew you couldn't leave us.

Oh, Gaz! We can be a proper family again!

Well, hey! Whoa, yeah. You're jumping the gun a bit there, love.

Right. I've gotta say, um, looks.

Yeah, you're not bad. Yeah.

You've got a bit of sagging since the breastfeeding,

but I can overlook that due to the sheer volume of tittage.

Gaz, what do you mean? What are you doing?

I'm judging you. You know, so I can decide.

Now, housewifery...

that's pretty frigging rubbish.

Gaz, what's going on?

Now, here's the clincher.

Gimme a wank!

What in God's name are you going on about?

This is important. I've got to take each woman on their own merit.

You're doing very well.

It's OK.

Donna was right.

I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt.

You're nothing but a sexist pig.

You can't treat me like this!

You can't mess with our lives like a game of football.

Which reminds me, kick-off's in ten minutes

so, if you could start the hand-job.

Tick tock, tick tock! Come on!

No, Gaz.

No. You get out.

I don't need this and Corinthian certainly doesn't.

Go on. Maybe it's not too late for you and Donna.

Or failing that, some other woman.

Who?

What?

Who's this other woman?

Is she fit?

Get out of my house. And get out of my life!

This is no way for a father to behave. No way at all!

Yes, it is, I was...

Judging me on my looks?

Well, they're going to fade.

My housework? I'll always be a skank.

My hand-jobs...

well, they're quite frankly excellent,

but you...from now on, and always will be a wanker!

Go on! Get out! You piece of shit!

You stay away from me and Corinthian!

I can't stay away from Corinthian.

He's my son.

No, he isn't.

Gaz, Tim, I need your opinions.

Scott, my celebrity boyfriend, still hasn't phoned me.

So I need you to tell me which of these picture

is the most come-hither. Here's me at my most playful!

My sexy face.

And finally,

my moody, tormented sex goddess

with a hint of the mysterious behind the visage.

Louise, come here.

Get off me, you filthy oaf!

PHONE CLICKS

And send. Oh, my God!

What have you done?

He's going to think I'm a cheap slapper!

He'll love it. We all love the standing muff shot.

How dare you ruin my chance of happiness!

Why not, I've ruined everyone else's.

Although...

Donna.

Gaz, it's nearly three.

I've been thinking about this.

Long and hard. Really hard.

And there's something I need to ask you. Something important.

Yeah?

How do you feel

about breast implants?

Ohhh!

MOBILE BEEPS

Oh, here comes the text dumping.

"I think I love you." Huh!

Well, that's an original way of putting it.

Oh...

he means it!

Nobody's ever said that to me before!

I can't imagine why.

He loves me! He loves me!

Now.

How do I play hard to get?

Phone off.

Wesley!

Wesley!

Buy us a pint to stick my balls in.

Sorry, mate. I don't think I can be seen with you.

I thought we were mates.

You shagged my girlfriend. You abandoned your kid.

You ain't the most popular man.

Mates before dates, bros before hos, chaps before baps.

I'm sorry, Gaz. You're a total prick.

Tim, Tim, we're mates, aren't we?

Gaz, you're bad for custom.

Maybe you should make yourself scarce for a few days?

Like, two or three thousand.

Louise?

What?

Nothing.

What have I been doing?!

It's obvious who I should be with. What time is it?

Five to three.

I've been a fucking idiot.

LAUGHTER

the one to make you understand

I'm going to be your man

Come on!

the one to make you understand

I'm just moving it!

Come on!

POLICE SIREN

Shit! No.

Yeah! Whoo hooo!

Have it pigs!

Ah! Shit!

Ah! Jesus!

CRASHING

GAZ COUGHS

Argh!

Help! Help!

ELECTRONIC BEEPING

Awake, are we?

I heard you'd been in an accident.

Well, when I first heard the news I thought, "Good. I hope he dies."

Because Gaz Wilkinson,

you have ruined my life, not once, not twice,

but over and over and over.

And then I got to thinking,

why am I driving to the hospital so fast just to see if he's dead?

If he's not, maybe it's so that I can hold a pillow over his face

or put little razor nicks in his bell-end until he wakes up

and then hold the aforementioned pillow over his face.

And then, a week later, when I was still sat here...

..day after day...

..not so much as changing my clothes, which is why I smell like a horse...

..I started thinking, am I an idiot?

And...

I am. And every time I washed you...

..or shouted at the nurses for not having any answers,

I thought why am I doing this, for this horrible, stupid man?

And when the paramedics told me that it was me

you'd asked for at the scene, why did I care, Gaz?

And there's only one answer.

I love you.

And I ha...

Oh, I hate myself

for it, but I do. And ummm...

And I know you love me too, that's just the way that it is.

So...

here's what we're going to do.

We're going to sort this out, me and you.

And we're going to start again.

And from now on,

it's just me and you.

What about Corinthian?

Oh, yeah, I know.

I know, yeah, Corinthian.

That bloody baby. Well, it's...

It's going to be a tough one, is that.

But for God sakes, if I can get over that, if I can get over everything

that you've put me through and still be here, you bastard!

..then you can do every single thing in your power

to make this work. OK?

OK, just blink once for yes and twice for no.

It's always been you.

SHE CRIES

You ain't coming round, treating me like that!

Ugh!

that's right

I know you slept with Gaz.

I just need to talk to Donna.... Sowee!

..and punch her in the tits!

those eyes

LOUISE SCREAMS

You've ruined everything.

How could you do this to me after everything?

Never take your eye off your opponent.

Shut it! Argh!

Just making sure everything's all...

You're nothing but a sexist pig.

Oh!