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1
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This programme contains adult humour.
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Donna, it's time to let go! Can't!
3
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Not seen you this angry since
you dipped your cock in VapoRub.
4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:11,680
You know as well as I do
what she's doing! Don't be stupid.
5
00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:13,680
Where's Gaz? want me to phone him?
6
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,320
That might be nice,
you big Cockney twat!
7
00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:31,080
with bubbles in it
8
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:36,720
handle anything stronger now
9
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,280
GAZ GROANS
10
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PHHRRRT!
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I was under the covers.
It went in my mouth. Donna?
12
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That's right.
13
00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:06,120
We're naked. I know.
14
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We had sex! I know.
15
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,560
You let me do you up the shi...
All right, Gaz, I know!
16
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,440
I don't know what I was thinking.
17
00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:17,120
You were thinking, "I want you
up me, like a rat up a drain-pipe!"
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GAZ CHUCKLES SMUGLY
19
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So.
20
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,320
Here we are again, Donna.
21
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,880
Me and you - bumping uglies.
22
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You're a pig!
23
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Aye, and you want my sausage.
24
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,880
This was a mistake.
25
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A hot, sweaty, passionate, mistake.
26
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,840
It was nothing.
It was just an accidental shag.
27
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,280
Four accidental shags, actually.
28
00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:44,000
But this wasn't supposed to happen.
I am too good for you.
29
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,200
Besides,
you've got Janet and Corinthian now.
30
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We have all moved on.
Shit, Janet! I've got to get home.
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00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,720
I won't repeat this any time soon.
Oh, no.
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00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:55,840
One last bonk. We don't have
feelings for each other.
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00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:58,160
We don't need let it happen again.
Exactly.
34
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,320
Little hand job for the road? Yeah.
OK.
35
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,520
Well, I must say I enjoyed that.
36
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:13,800
I haven't been to a hospital since
that vacuuming accident last year.
37
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,200
I wish I could say I enjoyed it.
38
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,760
I go in with simple stomach pains
and wake up missing an organ.
39
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,080
It's just your appendix, Janet.
40
00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,880
Better out than in.
41
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,840
Funny, that's what the doctor
said to me about the Hoover.
42
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,360
Don't worry about your appendix.
43
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:32,800
The nurse put it in a little jar
for you to take home.
44
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Gaz! Corinthian! I'm home!
45
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Ow, shit.
46
00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:40,560
I don't think anyone's here.
47
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:44,920
What? Where's Gaz? You said he was
at home with Corinthian.
48
00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:47,160
Well, I didn't want to worry you.
49
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:52,720
Corinthian's still at your mum's.
We couldn't find Gaz. Oh, my God!
50
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:55,640
What if he's hurt?
He could be dead in a ditch!
51
00:02:55,640 --> 00:03:00,880
Don't be silly, Gaz isn't dead!
Course not!
At worst he's unconscious...
52
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,520
or trapped somewhere.
53
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,320
OW!
54
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,760
Was it your appendix again? Yes.
55
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:16,040
Oh, why don't I have a boyfriend,
Timothy?
56
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,560
Why?
57
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:19,960
Perhaps it's your whiny voice.
58
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,640
Or your insane temper tantrums.
59
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:28,240
Or the huge hair. Weave it alone,
girlfriend. That's all I'm saying.
60
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,840
It was a rhetorical question,
you prissy twat.
61
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,200
I'm sick of playing the raspberry.
62
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,160
I don't want to be on my own
any more.
63
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:43,080
I just want someone to love me,
cherish me, and pay for my drinks.
64
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,040
I'm welling up.
65
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:51,120
And it's been so long since
I've had a good banging, I think
my mimsy may have scabbed over.
66
00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,760
But I may as well give up all hope.
67
00:03:56,760 --> 00:04:00,000
I'll never find my prince
in shitty old Runcorn.
68
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,880
You know what they say, Louise?
69
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:06,360
The minute you stop looking
for love, Mr Right will walk
straight in to your life.
70
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,560
Oh! Oh!
71
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,160
GAZ!
72
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,080
Frigging hell!
73
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:25,920
Where the hell have you been?
74
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,440
Nowhere. I just nipped out...
75
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,720
for a...shit.
76
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,600
Why didn't you answer your phone?
77
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:38,400
Wesley's been trying to call to tell
you I was having an operation.
78
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:42,080
What? You finally had that
hairy thing cut off your arse?
79
00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:43,600
I had my appendix out.
80
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:47,920
I discharged myself so I could come
home to see my family,
only to find that no-one was here.
81
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:51,680
You've been in hospital all night
and you didn't think to tell me?
82
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,600
I was unconscious!
That's why Wesley was calling you.
83
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,160
Didn't you notice I wasn't here?
84
00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,440
Well, I, er...
85
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,520
Hang on a minute. What the hell
was Wesley doing with you?
86
00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,960
He stayed with me at the hospital.
87
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,040
Oh, really?
88
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,440
Yes. If it wasn't for him,
I'd have been on my own.
89
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,240
Well, apart from Tim, but he was
too busy quizzing the nurses
90
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:15,280
on where he could find one of those
lovely upside-down watches they wear.
91
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,360
Oh. Well, thank God
for Wesley Presley
92
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,800
At least he was there for me.
93
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,920
I've had an operation
and you haven't asked how I am!
94
00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:27,120
I can't believe I'm last to know,
Janet! Bloody charming, that is.
95
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,640
Look, I don't want to argue.
I feel awful.
96
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,160
And so you should, Janet.
97
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,120
So you should.
98
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,160
Hang on a minute.
99
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:39,000
You're telling me the whole time
I was round the flat banging Donna,
100
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,200
you...YOU were lying
in a hospital bed,
101
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:46,720
holding hands with Wesley Presley,
like some big slag?!
102
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:50,160
How do you think
that makes me feel, Janet? Eh?
103
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:53,960
What did you just say?
104
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:57,240
How do you think
that makes me feel?
105
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,320
Before that?
106
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,560
You're a big slag?
107
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,880
You've been with Donna?
108
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,240
Don't try and turn this around
on me, Janet.
109
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:17,280
You've been shagging Donna,
while I lay in an operating theatre,
110
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:20,880
and you're seriously going
to sit there and have a go at me?
111
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,800
I was going to, yes.
112
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,800
How could you do this to me?
113
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,720
Look, Janet, it was an accident.
114
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:33,600
No, Gaz. Mistaking the Deep Heat
for the FemFresh is an accident.
115
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,640
You shagging Donna behind my back
is just horrible.
116
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:41,840
It was a mistake.
It probably won't happen again.
117
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,240
You cheeky bastard. Get out!
118
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Ow!
119
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:51,920
Listen... I'm hungry,
can I have some toast first?
120
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,320
Piss off, Gaz! I'll go. I'll go.
121
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:56,840
Fine!
122
00:06:56,840 --> 00:07:00,240
You let me know
when you're ready to apologise.
123
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,000
Tim, I've done something terrible.
124
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,880
Aw, Don-dons. What could you
possibly have done that's that bad?
125
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,400
I shagged Gaz.
126
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,680
Oh, Donna, you whore!
127
00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:20,800
I know, I know! I'm a stupid, slutty
beast. I don't know how it happened.
128
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:24,240
I do. You two have been spending
far too much time together.
129
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,600
I warned you this would happen,
Donna Henshaw.
130
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,320
But did you listen to Uncle Tim?
131
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,920
Did you bollocks.
132
00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:34,640
I've got to find Janet.
Not right now you don't. Oi!
133
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,680
Can you have a word
with your fella,
134
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:41,680
who sat by Janet's hospital bed,
holding her hand, all night
long apparently. The bastard!
135
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,880
What? Janet's in hospital?
136
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,040
Not any more.
She's at home, kicking off.
137
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:50,040
She got all moody when I told her
I'd been shagging you.
138
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,640
You told... You told Janet? You dick!
139
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:57,120
Why did you tell her?
Wesley's going to hate me.
140
00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:59,200
Who cares about Wesley?
141
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:02,560
I do. I'm not going to let one night
ruin everything.
142
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:06,720
Last night was a terrible mistake.
I have moved on.
143
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:16,640
Hello, my little Northern omelette.
How's the invalid?
144
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,520
Not very good, actually.
145
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:22,600
This might cheer you up. I have
fashioned a rudimentary necklace.
146
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,320
Aw!
147
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,760
Out of your appendix.
148
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,400
Ewww!
149
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:29,760
Why the tearful tears?
150
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:33,560
Your bloody girlfriend shagged Gaz.
That's why!
151
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,880
Er...yeah. Then you shagged him,
Jonny died.
152
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:37,720
Donna moved to London, met me...
153
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:41,000
I had no idea memory was stored
in the appendix.
154
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:45,080
Last night.
While I lay dying, Wesley Presley.
155
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:48,560
While you were dressed as Kelly
Osbourne and fingering yourself.
156
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Never happened.
157
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:52,440
God, those drugs were good.
158
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:55,120
But Gaz and Donna - that happened.
159
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:59,960
If you don't believe me,
go and smell his fingers. Eugh!
160
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,000
Oh...
161
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:13,400
I hope you don't mind
but I just had to compliment you
on your beautiful eyes. I'm Scott.
162
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:14,920
Oh, I'm blushing...
163
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,160
..but thanks for noticing, Scott.
164
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,360
I was actually talking
to the lovely lady.
165
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:25,760
Sorry, have we met before? I feel
I recognise you. I don't think so.
166
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:31,120
I must be getting confused cos
I used to be in a boyband.
Getting you mixed up with Sinitta.
167
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,000
I've met her twice.
168
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,120
Shut up! You were in a boyband?!
169
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:41,240
For my sins. I don't like
to talk about it much though.
What were you called?
170
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:44,600
We were a Runcorn-based R&B group,
called R-Soul.
171
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,040
I was the rapper.
172
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:50,880
I don't believe it! I went to
one of your gigs in the Arndale!
173
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:55,480
I got escorted out by security
for pinging my thong off a balcony
and blinding a pensioner.
174
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:58,680
Crazy days!
175
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,440
Crazy!
176
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:04,520
You were a famous pop star? Yeah.
But I don't like to talk about it.
177
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,960
Excuse me, need a slash.
178
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:11,440
I can't believe I'm talking
to the R-Soul rapper!
179
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:18,240
I've talked to an R-Soul Ripper
online but he was clearly disturbed.
180
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:22,200
He's too good to be true, Tim. There
has to be something wrong with him.
181
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:26,320
Every boyfriend I've ever had has
turned out to be weird in some way.
182
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:30,280
Cross-dresser,
alcoholic, Australian. Oh!
183
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:35,480
I need to find out what's wrong
with him before I could possibly
think about fancying him.
184
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:40,880
Tim, follow him to the toilet
and check he's not got a gun.
185
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,800
Oh, if you insist.
186
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,640
Better safe than sorry!
187
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:52,800
Oh, God. This is terrible.
188
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,040
I know.
189
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:58,400
You three are like bloody animals,
constantly rutting each other.
190
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:03,360
It's disgusting! Gaz is with Donna
one week, you next. You're a cult!
191
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,520
I am not! Gaz is - for cheating.
192
00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,240
I said "cult", Janet.
193
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:16,480
It's immoral. All right, Louise.
I never meant for this to happen.
194
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:20,640
We're adults now, Janet. It's time
to grow up and behave with dignity.
195
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,840
And what's stuck up your arse today?
196
00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:26,400
I'm desperate for a man.
197
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:29,920
I may have found one,
but he's possibly a psychopath
198
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:34,400
masquerading as an ex-member
of a Runcorn-based boyband. What?
199
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:35,920
I need to check out his alibi,
200
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:39,160
then I can save myself
any future heartache.
201
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:41,760
Have you ever thought that perhaps
you should just give him a chance?
202
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,760
Maybe...
but first I'll steal his wallet
203
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,400
and track down his medical records.
204
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,560
PHONE BEEPS
205
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:53,560
It's Donna. She's on her way round.
Sorry, Louise, I haven't time.
206
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:57,560
Like you said, we're adults. I need
to talk to Donna, woman to woman.
207
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,080
And punch her in the tits.
208
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:06,840
Gaz shagged Donna!
209
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:11,480
Oh, my God, that's awful! I can
not believe I'm hearing this.
210
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,600
I for one, am truly shocked,
not to mention a little surprised.
211
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:21,680
Why, Gaz? I thought you and Donna
were finished. So did I.
212
00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:23,440
I ought to kick your arse!
213
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,720
Go on, then.
214
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,520
Perhaps in a bit.
215
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,440
What are you gonna do, Gaz?
216
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:34,200
Donna's with Wesley and you
and Janet have a child together.
217
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,000
I know, but I'm confused.
218
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,920
They're obviously both
in love with me.
219
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,440
Perhaps they could share me.
220
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:42,040
What?
221
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:46,120
You know, have me half the week
each and toss for Sundays?
222
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:53,240
Or we could all live together,
like one of them Moomin families.
223
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:58,440
But I don't know who I love more.
I mean, Donna was my wife.
224
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:03,600
We've got a history. She gives
a superb blow-job. ..Hey, Wesley?
225
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:09,360
And then...
Janet's the mother of my child.
226
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,400
The woman I longed to be with.
227
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:15,080
She's not opposed to slipping
a finger up my arse now and then.
228
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:21,080
You've got responsibilities now.
229
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,760
That little lad's already lost
one Daddy.
230
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,760
God, you're right.
231
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,920
I can't leave Corinthian.
232
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,360
Janet, I had no idea you were ill...
233
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,160
You curly-haired slut-bag!
234
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,760
And while I lay in a hospital bed,
235
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,960
close to death too indeed.
For shame!
236
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:48,000
I thought you just had your appendix
taken out. OW! For shame!
237
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,720
I am so sorry, Janet.
238
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:56,480
You have ruined everything, Donna!
How could you do this to me?
After everything I've been through.
239
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:59,600
Everything YOU'VE been through?
240
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:04,400
He was my husband first. That didn't
stop you jumping in to bed with him,
like some chavvy slag, did it?
241
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:08,400
OW! Are you all right?
Oh, God, Janet, I am SO sorry.
242
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,240
I honestly never meant
for this to happen.
243
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:15,560
Like you said, I don't suppose I've
the right to have a go with you.
244
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:21,320
I did exactly the same thing when
you were still married. For shame.
245
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,280
He's an idiot, Janet.
A big, muscly idiot.
246
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,960
And WE are too good for him.
I've lived in that London.
247
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:32,440
Yeah. You're right. His exquisite
buttocks do not make up for the fact
248
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:35,800
that he's both a cad
and a scoundrel. Exactly.
249
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:41,080
We are best friends. No man should
come between us. We deserve better.
250
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,840
You're right. Girl Power and that.
251
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:47,840
So neither of us will go near Gaz.
Agreed? Agreed.
252
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,760
Five, six, seven, eight.
253
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,920
Louise!
Scott's been teaching me some moves.
254
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:11,480
I can't believe I'm body-popping
with a bona fide celebrity.
255
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:15,920
I'll have a drink, when you've
finished humping his leg.
I'll get that for you.
256
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:21,520
It's all right. I don't want you
slipping anything in it
to lure me back to your sex cave.
257
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:25,880
Wow, you're so pretty when you're
accusing people of sex crimes.
258
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:28,160
I'm gonna nip out and make a call.
259
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:32,240
Louise! You can't be so rude to him.
260
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,480
He was nominated for
a Smash Hits Award.
261
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:39,080
Get a grip, Claypole! There's
something not right about him.
262
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,360
You watch the door
while I go through his bag.
263
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,280
I can't see a wallet...
264
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,280
or a birth certificate.
265
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,720
Ooh, an address book!
266
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,720
And some photos.
267
00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,960
Oh, my God!
268
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:04,800
Pictures of babies. Looks like he's
running some illegal child ring.
269
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:09,920
He's only been speaking to me
so he can snatch little Louise
and sell her to Madonna.
270
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:13,200
Are you looking for something?
I, er...saw a rat.
271
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:18,600
It ran into your bag... OK.
But then I found these.
272
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,920
Would you like to explain yourself?
273
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:25,600
That's Nathaniel and Rose - a couple
of African orphans I sponsor.
274
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,640
I was building schools in Rwanda.
275
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:31,000
You're like a sexy Oxfam advert.
276
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,080
Hey, I'm just a normal guy...
277
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,920
who happens to be a single,
wealthy, ex-boy-band member.
278
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:42,200
If you're such a talented,
caring, sensitive man,
279
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,920
why don't you have a girlfriend?
280
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,040
Oh, I did have - Gemma. We split
a couple of months ago. Why?
281
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,880
I'd rather not go in to it.
282
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:53,280
Oh, well, that's your prerogative
and I would never pry.
283
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,400
Would that be Gemma with a 'G'?
Yeah.
284
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,120
You all right?
285
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:10,400
You doing the washing?
I've got some skiddy pants...
286
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:15,200
It's not laundry, Gaz. I'm packing
your stuff. Where am I going?
287
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,800
I don't care
but you're not staying here.
288
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:21,000
I thought you loved me -
you've just made a fool of me.
289
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,680
I want to talk you.
I want to apologise.
290
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,320
Sowwy!
291
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,800
Why, Gaz?
Why did you sleep with Donna?
292
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,840
She...
She forced me.
293
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,920
Gaz! Don't you dare blame
all this on Donna.
294
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,120
You're the one I'm in
a relationship with!
295
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:46,160
But perhaps this is what I deserve.
296
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:49,600
I betrayed Donna
and now you've betrayed me.
297
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,800
Exactly - you started it!
298
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:56,320
We're supposed to be a family.
We are!
299
00:17:56,320 --> 00:18:01,040
Can't we just forget about it?
I'll wash my cock.
It'll be like it never happened.
300
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:05,040
No. We can't.
301
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,600
But we have to work things out.
302
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,920
For Corinthian. I love him.
303
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,760
What about me?
304
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:14,800
Gaz?!
305
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,680
Sorry, what did you say?
306
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,880
Just take your stuff and go.
307
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,440
I don't want to, Janet.
308
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:24,400
I love you.
309
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,840
Really? You mean it?
310
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:31,080
Yeah. I don't want to lose you
or Corinthian. I love you.
311
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,320
Come on!
312
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:37,960
Now, those pants either need
washing or burning, so come on.
313
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,160
That was a complete waste of time.
314
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,240
They split up because he wanted
to concentrate on charity work.
315
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,320
He didn't twat her or anything.
316
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:52,760
I don't trust him.
317
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:56,280
Don't you think this is getting
a bit "Fatal Attraction", Louise?
318
00:18:56,280 --> 00:19:01,280
Why don't you just ask Scott about
his past? Because he'll lie, Tim.
319
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,120
Hi, Louise. Donna!
320
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:08,720
I'm surprised you dare show
your face around here after
what you've done. It's disgusting!
321
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:11,560
I know, I know,
but it was one night of lust.
322
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,800
Gaz Wilkinson means nothing to me.
323
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:17,320
I won't be letting my hole
rule my head any longer.
324
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,480
I'm glad to hear it.
325
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:24,520
It's important to regain
some integrity when it comes to men.
326
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:31,000
I've just posed as a gynaecologist
to interrogate the ex-girlfriend
of a potential new love interest.
327
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:35,560
What? How can you dupe
a fellow sister like that?
328
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,120
We're supposed to stick together,
329
00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:39,600
not lie to win the affections
of some man!
330
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,600
Did the suffragette movement
teach you nothing?
331
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,040
PHONE BEEPS
332
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,800
It's Gaz. Ha!
333
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:50,360
The cheeky bastard expects me
to meet him at the flat.
334
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:52,080
Got to go!
335
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,600
Oh, Wesley. Hi.
336
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,600
I know you slept with Gaz.
337
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,160
Oh, right...
338
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,640
Oh, God, I'm a horrible person.
339
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,560
No, you're not.
340
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:14,400
You're just a little bit of a nob
341
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:15,960
but I still like you.
342
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,680
I brought you a pork pie.
343
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:25,640
I don't like pork pies. Yes, you do.
You love 'em. You always have.
344
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,920
I used to, but I've decided
not to like them any more.
345
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,440
They're not good for me.
346
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:31,920
One won't hurt.
347
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,560
Yes, it will. I have to get pork pies
out of my mind.
348
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:38,440
They are too thick...and common...
349
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,480
and the insides are always full
of white gunk.
350
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,640
I'm totally over pork pies.
I've moved on!
351
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,280
You said you missed pork pies
in London. I did.
352
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,080
But now I'm back and I've realised
that it'll never work.
353
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,600
There's too many feelings involved.
354
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,480
Someone's gonna get hurt
and I don't want it to be me again!
355
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:57,520
All right.
God, it's only a pork pie!
356
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,360
Are you still in love with Gaz?
357
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:03,680
Of course I'm not.
It was one night of madness.
358
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,520
I don't know what came over me.
359
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,760
That would be me. Get out, Gaz!
360
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,560
Fine. I'll go back to the pub.
361
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:16,640
Fine! If you're going to refuse to
leave, I suppose I'll talk to you.
362
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,280
Wesley, you'd better go.
363
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:22,080
But we need to talk, Donna, without
this Northern monkey in the way.
364
00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,640
Who are you calling a monkey?
365
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:28,080
You've been known to throw your own
faeces at passing schoolchildren.
366
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,560
You're with Janet.
I'm with Donna now.
367
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:34,800
So you can just back off.
I'm going nowhere.
368
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:39,200
Actually, Wesley, Me and Gaz
need to talk. I'll call you later.
369
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,520
OK. Um...I'm going to the pub then.
370
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:45,520
But when I get there,
I'm going nowhere!
371
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,560
What do you want?
372
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,000
I need to talk to you.
373
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:55,360
Look, Gaz... No, listen. We can't
do this any more. It's not right.
374
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:58,600
I can't keep hurting Janet...
or Corinthian.
375
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,280
I'm his dad, I can't just leave
him.
376
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:05,480
Of course not. I don't want you to.
I can't keep hurting people.
377
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:11,440
When I found out about you and Janet
I thought I was going to die
from the pain, it hurt so much.
378
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:12,560
All right, drama queen!
379
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,120
We split up and I moved away.
380
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,200
Why did you come back?
381
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,920
You know why. I missed Runcorn.
382
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:22,080
Runcorn's a shit hole.
383
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,160
I missed my friends.
384
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:27,040
Your friends are all bastards.
385
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,320
All right. I missed you, all right?
386
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:33,960
You weren't just my husband, Gaz.
You were my best friend...
387
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:37,520
and I hated not seeing you every day.
388
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:38,760
Really?
389
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:42,160
But you're right, you know.
It's over.
390
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,840
We have to stay away
from each other from now on.
391
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:49,160
That's the trouble.
I don't know if I can.
392
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,560
Don't, Gaz! You just said
you couldn't leave Janet.
393
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,680
It doesn't mean I'm gonna stop
loving you.
394
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,120
You know we belong together.
395
00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,560
You and I, forever and ever.
396
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:03,600
No matter where you are...
397
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,360
you're my guiding star.
398
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:09,960
Seriously?
399
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,560
From the very first moment
I saw you...
400
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:16,160
I never felt such emotion.
401
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,960
That's the "Home And Away"
theme tune.
402
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:26,600
It's our song.
403
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:33,040
I miss you, Donna. This is crazy.
Are you saying you want to forget
the last few months ever happened?
404
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,480
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
405
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,920
I don't know what I want.
406
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:43,520
Hiya, Wesley.
407
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,720
Hiya, Janet.
408
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:47,240
Aw, Wesley.
409
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:51,120
Sorry you got mixed up in all this.
It's not your fault.
410
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:54,160
I just can't believe they slept
together, after all this time.
411
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,320
I know. It's pretty shitty.
412
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,920
But don't worry,
you and Donna will be all right.
413
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,720
I'm not so sure.
There's still something between 'em.
414
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:03,760
Trust me, nothing's going to happen.
415
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,800
It was a one-off.
Me and Gaz are a family now.
416
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,880
Yeah. That's probably what
he's telling her at the flat.
417
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:16,160
Gaz and Donna are at the flat?
Yeah. It was really tense.
418
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:18,920
Like Angie and Den -
Christmas Day '86.
419
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:23,720
It's fine. They both totally
regret it. It was a mistake.
420
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,480
Yeah, you're right.
421
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:30,960
Just because they've got this raw,
passionate electricity between them
doesn't mean anything will happen.
422
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:32,800
Course not.
423
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:37,200
But I might just nip round there
and make sure they're OK.
424
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,280
I don't suppose you'd let me
buy you a drink now, would you?
425
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,160
I'm not doing anything with you.
426
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:49,360
Not until I find out
what's wrong with you!
427
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:51,160
Well, there is something.
428
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,880
I knew it! You've got no nipples.
429
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:56,760
You eat dogs.
430
00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,680
You're wearing women's underwear!
That's it, isn't it? Show me!
431
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,200
Wait! That's not it. What is it
then?
432
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,240
You'll laugh. Everyone laughs.
433
00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,280
I promise I won't. Just tell me.
434
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:10,680
It's my surname. It's unusual.
435
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:15,480
Oh, God, it's not Stringfellow,
is it?
436
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,000
No. It's Chegg.
437
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:19,120
What?
438
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:23,360
My name's Scott Chegg.
439
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:29,800
That's it?
440
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,080
Isn't that enough?
I was bullied for years.
441
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,800
The other boys grabbed me and rolled
me in breadcrumbs in home economics.
442
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,640
That name has been a curse.
443
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:45,200
Well, Scott is a stupid name but...
I can live with it.
444
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,680
So you might want to go out sometime?
445
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:52,480
Yes, I think I might.
I just appreciate honesty.
446
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:57,120
It's important to get all the
little secrets out before
jumping into a relationship.
447
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,760
I agree.
448
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:03,200
BABY CRIES
Is that your baby?
449
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:09,320
Let's get you nice and drunk.
Then I can tell you all about me.
450
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,640
Only me! Just making sure
everything's all right.
451
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:21,000
Janet, er...Wesley...
We were just...
452
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,680
having a sleep.
453
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,400
For old time's sake.
454
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:29,360
A sleep? Then why has Donna got
a used condom in her hair?
455
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:35,760
It's conditioning.
456
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:40,280
It's good for split ends.
457
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,680
Well, I'm satisfied.
Let's go get some eggs.
458
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:45,120
I can't believe you two.
459
00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:50,160
Gaz, you promised this wouldn't
happen again! Do you want to get in?
460
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,600
No, I do not! We're not French!
461
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,280
We can't keep doing this.
462
00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:58,800
She's right.
463
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:02,400
This is ridiculous.
464
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,480
Ridiculous...
465
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,920
Or strangely arousing?
466
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:10,800
You're a dick!
Do you love me at all?
467
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,920
You know I do. And I love Corinthian
more than anything.
468
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:15,640
Then why do you keep doing this?
469
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:18,120
Because...
470
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:19,600
because I love Donna, too.
471
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:23,200
It didn't seem to matter when you
were shagging me behind her back!
472
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:24,520
You said you wanted to be with me.
473
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,040
We went through all that shit
for nothing!
474
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:32,560
I'm so sorry, Janet.
I never meant for this to happen
but I've been kidding myself.
475
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:36,400
I wish I didn't but I love him too.
I always have.
476
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:39,280
What are we going to do?
477
00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:41,800
I don't know.
But we can't go on like this.
478
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:45,320
It's not fair on any of us.
You've got to choose, Gaz.
479
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:50,280
It's impossible! It's like trying
to choose between Ant and Dec.
480
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:54,280
You have to decide what you want
once and for all. Janet's right.
481
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:57,760
It's make-your-mind-up time.
There'll be no going back after this.
482
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:01,360
It's up to you, Gaz.
So who's it going to be?
38809
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