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1
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This programme
contains adult humour.
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I don't want to stay married.
I don't want to be married!
3
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:09,360
We need to end this thing. And,
I... I really want to marry Janet.
4
00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:24,120
with bubbles in it
5
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Just beautiful.
6
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Dreamy.
7
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It's like God himself shat it out.
8
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Thanks for getting me this. Thanks
for getting me a good price on it.
9
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Mates rates, innit? No worries.
Is it real then?! Yes. But how?
10
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There isn't an Argos for miles.
11
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No, it's my mum's.
12
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He's a life-saver.
13
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:07,880
He's got me the perfect ring.
14
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:10,520
It's just... I wish I could
propose the way I want.
15
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Really special, with a big bash.
16
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,160
She isn't gonna marry you
if you punch her, Gaz.
17
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,120
No, a bash like a party.
18
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Somewhere nice like
the Empire State Building
19
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or at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
20
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,400
No, it's impossible.
21
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Scared of heights, is she?
22
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:34,200
We've got no money!
I'm the only one working and
Corinthian eats like he's got worms.
23
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,920
Are you sure he
hasn't just got worms?
24
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:38,680
We've only just wormed him.
25
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,240
We only knew there was something
wrong after he started
26
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:46,280
dragging his arse along the carpet
like a scabby mongrel.
27
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,640
I had a girlfriend
that used to do that.
28
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:51,480
Oh, no, a Border collie.
29
00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,160
I get confused cos
they both had eight nipples.
30
00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,080
He left loads of
skid marks behind him.
31
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We think he was trying
to spell something out.
32
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"Put me in a nappy" perhaps?
33
00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:09,840
We can't afford nappies!
We're low on funds. And Janet...
34
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:12,960
she's not helping, even
though Corinthian's at preschool.
35
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,760
I didn't know he was Catholic.
36
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:20,200
"Pre" school. Not priest!
37
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,720
Janet needs to get back to work.
38
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,360
I could sling some work her way.
39
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:29,360
Oh, yeah, you've got that market
stall now. Get your pears!
40
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,400
Do you actually sell pears?
41
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,560
We do not!
42
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:38,320
We sell Val Doonican CDs but that
doesn't really have the same ring.
43
00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:43,960
You get her a job then I could have
the proposal of my dreams. Group hug.
44
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,200
You're a life saver!
45
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,320
I'll go and see her. Can I come too?
46
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,200
It gets lonely with just Arthur.
47
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:52,480
The whole dead wife thing,
yawnorama.
48
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,360
Tim, this is a man's job.
49
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:06,680
So...you thinking of going back
to work at all any time soon?
50
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:09,600
No.
51
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,120
Can I ask why?
52
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,680
Not finished my Nutella.
53
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:14,560
Jesus I need a longer tongue.
54
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,400
Janet, I'm a bit worried about you.
55
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,400
Ever since you lost
that policing job
56
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:23,240
all you do is sit around
and eat shit.
57
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,520
It isn't shit, it's Nutella.
58
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:29,800
They look similar, but that just
saves time as it's passing through.
59
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:34,440
That's not good for you, you
need to get out there, get a job.
60
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:38,200
Have you seen the job market?
Yes, have you?
61
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:43,120
No. I try to look but every time
I open the paper the stress
starts making me feel ill.
62
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,400
Well, what if I were help you?
63
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,800
I could get you shifts at the pub
with me and Tim.
64
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,640
Could you?!
Oh, Donna, I didn't like to ask.
65
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:55,480
I thought I'd be stepping on
your toes and I already did that
by stealing your husband.
66
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,480
That's all forgotten about...
67
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,360
You just finalised your divorce.
All forgotten about.
68
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:08,360
And we celebrated by watching that
porno you and Gaz made,
Here Bums the Bride.
69
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:13,600
I wish that was forgotten about, but
no matter, I'll save the day, again.
70
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,240
Oh, Donna, thank you. Come here.
71
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:22,480
Janet! Janet!
72
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:27,520
Wesley has got you a job
on his market stall! Isn't that ace?!
73
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:30,120
What? Really? But...
What? Really? Yeah!
74
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,800
Oh, my God, that's brilliant.
75
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:39,200
Oh, I'll be off then. Nobody seems
to be needing me around here.
76
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,960
That's great.
77
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,560
I'll see you later, then.
78
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:46,160
Great.
79
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,120
Thanks, mates!
80
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:55,320
Donna, thank God you're here. I was
beginning to feel a bit unpopular.
81
00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,400
Tell me about it.
Have you seen Louise?
82
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,960
She's gone for a girly weekend
with her mates.
83
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:03,800
What? What mates? Her girly mates.
But, why wasn't I invited?
84
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,920
I'm a girly mate, listen.
85
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:09,200
Oh, my God,
I just love your tiny bag!
86
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,680
You've lost weight!
Let's have a Lambrini!
87
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,480
Oh, my God, that felt wrong.
88
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,000
Well, I for one am glad you're here.
89
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:22,440
I need to warn you that
Gaz is proposing to Janet tonight.
90
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,880
What? But I'm...
91
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:26,040
Just...
92
00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:27,520
Tonight?!
93
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:32,320
Five words do not a sentence make.
94
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,040
Oh, Donna, you're crying!
95
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:35,880
It's not that bad!
96
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,400
It's my thighs, isn't it?
97
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,160
You're upset by my thighs.
98
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:41,840
You wouldn't be the first.
99
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:44,520
Helena won't pay for the lipo.
100
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,920
I just feel like
I'm losing everyone.
101
00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:50,040
Gaz and Janet'll get married,
then I'll never see him again.
102
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:52,760
Or, you know, Janet...
103
00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:57,280
No, Donna, don't hang onto the past
or you'll end up like Arthur,
104
00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:00,960
always going on about
that dead wife of his. Drama queen!
105
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:07,240
I just need a way of staying part
of his life and Janet's.
106
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,600
I mean Louise has got
her invisible mates.
107
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,880
Wesley's got his market stall.
Where have all my friends gone?
108
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,000
What?
109
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:19,600
I can't use my breasts
to keep hold of them, Tim.
110
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:23,120
If you keep living in the past
you're going to get hurt.
111
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,000
Heed my warning, Donna,
it's time to let it go.
112
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,040
No, I can't.
113
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:33,400
Gaz is here, dry your eyes,
you don't want him to see you
crying now, do you?
114
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,040
Guess who's proposing to Janet?!
115
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:42,840
I think I'm going to have
to venture... Papa Smurf?
116
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:45,520
No, me dickhead.
117
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,960
It's a big secret,
though, so hush puppy.
118
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,680
All I need is the right
romantic setting.
119
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:54,280
You know, the right beer, the right
curry house, the right lube.
120
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,400
Well, that's romantic.
121
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,080
I can't afford anything fancy.
122
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,200
I need some help cos every time
I imagine something cheap
123
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:07,040
I just picture
Jodie Marsh in her pants.
124
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:11,080
Just squatting.
125
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:14,240
What you need is somebody who
knows you both really well.
126
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,800
You know, somebody who's
good at this sort of thing.
127
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,680
Somebody organised,
somebody who's a really good mate.
128
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,800
Thanks for pointing them out,
Donna, but I don't need an
excuse to look at your tits.
129
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,920
No! Me! Mistake!
130
00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:32,760
Donna, I would have asked you but...
131
00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:35,520
Wouldn't it be a bit weird,
we're divorced.
132
00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:40,680
It'd be like getting some old
rotten meat out of the bin to help
bake this perfect wonderful pie.
133
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:48,400
Rotten old meat? You are
comparing me to rotten old meat?
134
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:52,560
Yeah, all right, not rotten just...
You know, used.
135
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,320
Mouldy, you know,
a bit past its best.
136
00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,440
Please just let go of my balls.
137
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,600
This is precisely why
I didn't ask you. It's weird.
138
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,800
No! No, Gaz it's not weird.
139
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,320
You know, it's modern.
It's progressive!
140
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:13,760
It's very French, very chic. Sheep?!
141
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:18,800
Gaz just let me help you,
I want us all to be friends.
142
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:23,720
I feel a bit of an outsider at
the mo, so... How about a party?
143
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:27,080
Yes! A party.
Gaz go home and organise it now.
144
00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,200
He needs me, Tim, thank you.
145
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,800
What a girly party with
lots of things girls like?
146
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,680
You know, like Ugg boots
147
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,240
and hoovering...
148
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:42,520
A bit of squatting. You're crap
at female orientated parties.
149
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:46,240
I'm not! All my parties have a
feminine aspect to them. What aspect?
150
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,120
The strippers.
151
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:53,880
Have you completely forgotten the
last time you tried to arrange
something like this? Our wedding...
152
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:57,760
Actually both our weddings,
both were completely horrible!
153
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,920
There were cauliflowers.
154
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:04,480
Proving that anything involving
you and you is a disaster.
155
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:10,360
If you don't want this party to be
a complete disaster, then, I think
you should let me help organise it.
156
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,280
I am still part of
your life, aren't I?
157
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,600
Go on, then... For old time's sake.
158
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:25,640
A market stall holder?! Do you
really think I've got what it takes?
159
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,800
I've not done a full day's work
for over a year.
160
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:32,480
Well, it was either you or Arthur
and Arthur's always going on
about that dead wife of his.
161
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,040
Drama queen.
162
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:42,040
At least you haven't got a dead...
Anyway, what do you think?
163
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:46,200
I think Wesley Presley
that you're a life-saver!
164
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,480
This is just what I need
to get me out of the house!
165
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:54,480
All you've got to remember is
we are a very tight knit bunch
us market traders. Oh, really?
166
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,680
Do you have a secret handshake?
Yeah, I'll teach you.
167
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:08,480
What's so secret about that? Are
you going to tell anyone about it?
168
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,920
Perhaps you're the girl that can
finally shift those Val Doonican CDs.
169
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,720
Val Doonican?!
170
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,600
He can write a tune, he can.
171
00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:21,720
He can make the ladies swoon,
he can.
172
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:25,080
One day he could
go to the moon, he can.
173
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,280
Tea? Janet, you're
a market stall girl now.
174
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,920
You say "How's about
a nice brew then, lovely?"
175
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,720
Oh, I see. And do I say "Ricky!"?
176
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:42,720
We just find that a bit
insulting, to be honest.
177
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,440
Oh. Well.
178
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,760
When can you start?
179
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:51,080
To be honest I've been
feeling a bit unwell recently,
so I wondered if...
180
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,560
Well, I really need someone today.
181
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,720
I can start soon, I can!
182
00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:00,400
Sorry.
183
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,160
Donna, get back behind that bar
and serve the customers.
We've a rush on.
184
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:09,160
There's nobody here. Anyway, I'm
going to help Gaz - he's my friend.
185
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,760
You're being very destructive.
186
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,440
If it's friends you want, I'm here.
187
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,320
I have got my beady eye out,
Donna Wilkinson.
188
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:21,000
Well, you best put it away then,
before you drip
pre-cum on the floor.
189
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:29,280
I've been thinking of proposing
to Janet on bended knee,
but then I thought
190
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:34,000
that's unoriginal cos that's how I
proposed to you and that was rubbish.
191
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,840
Then I thought sky-writing.
192
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:39,760
But I don't have a marker pen
big enough.
193
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:42,040
So, I came up with this.
194
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,440
Spice Girls have aged badly.
195
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:54,240
No. Look, it's a puzzle,
you have to work out
what it says from the pictures.
196
00:11:54,240 --> 00:12:00,560
OK, prince, sheep, virgin, mechanic.
197
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:03,360
No, it's as clear as day.
198
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:07,320
Will, you, Mary, me?
199
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,480
Maybe I'm just too clever.
200
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,960
Took me ages to cut out
that sheep's head out.
201
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,640
Women want to be
proposed to romantically.
202
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,520
Gaz, you should let me help you.
203
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,840
I want her to be surprised.
204
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,400
Have you got a ring? Oh, aye. Yeah.
205
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:29,960
Wesley got it for me.
206
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,600
It's a family heirloom.
207
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,720
Wesley gave you his family heirloom?
208
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,160
My boyfriend gave...
209
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,000
Am I ever going to get a ring?
210
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,320
You didn't even get me
an engagement ring.
211
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,160
You said, "If it's a ring you're
after, check this out". Then...
212
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,240
I bent over and showed you me arse.
213
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:53,920
Val Doonican?
He can croon, he can!
214
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,600
No?
215
00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:00,840
Excuse me? Would you like some
large pants? They're very lovely.
216
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,520
No? Ah, you sir?
217
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:10,120
You look like someone who
would like to buy 12 Easter eggs
from the former Yugoslavia.
218
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,800
Here you are, love.
Get that down you. You deserve it.
219
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,520
Been on your feet all day.
How much have you shifted then?
220
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:21,240
Well, nothing.
But we have had a lot of stuff
nicked so at least we're popular!
221
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,240
You're being too coy
for the customers.
222
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,880
You need to give it a bit of
the old cockney charm.
223
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:29,680
What? You mean be rude and
obnoxious? I can't do that.
No, like this.
224
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:33,960
Ladies and gents, gather
round cos everything's a pound!
225
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,560
From bog roll to chocs
to a dolls in a box.
226
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:40,400
Wesley Presley's the bloke
that will not leave you broke.
Here you are, love.
227
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:45,080
Grab one of these and
I'll also chuck in a couple of extra
cans of Fanta for the young 'uns, eh?
228
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,600
A word! Ow!
229
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,640
Back out now, lady.
230
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,920
You're only going to hurt yourself
further with this. Look at you.
231
00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,120
Your eyeballs are redder
than an embarrassed radish.
232
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:04,560
Like I always say, "Once your
balls go red, stop pushing".
233
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,960
I mean, why would Wesley do that?
234
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,600
Wouldn't you want to save
your family heirloom for the
person you wanted to marry?
235
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:16,360
Aw! Poor Donna...
236
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,800
YEAH, COS THAT'S WHAT'S BOTHERING
YOU! Don't shout at me!
237
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,240
I'll shout all I want.
238
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:26,200
I'm shouting because I might soon
be the only friend you've got left.
239
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,000
Leave Gaz and Janet alone.
240
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,840
They're happy.
241
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:34,240
You're not and you're jealous
like Danni Minogue
in a sixth form college.
242
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:41,720
I am not jealous
and to prove it I will even pay
for the frigging party.
243
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,560
A frigging party!
244
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:46,040
That's what I'm talking about.
245
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:51,960
Nice try with the guilt trip, Tim,
but me and Gaz are going
to organise this ourselves.
246
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,720
You are playing a very
dangerous game, young lady.
247
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:58,080
This is Russian Roulette with lives!
248
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,600
Lives!
249
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,320
Ooh, I like that.
I think I might use it again.
250
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,080
Sorry about that.
251
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,760
So...
What does Janet really, really like?
252
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,360
Did I hear you say you'd pay?
253
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:15,400
Oh, anything! Absolutely anything.
Your happiness is my happiness.
254
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,280
Janet likes... Marmite.
255
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:21,000
I can't centre a proposal around
Marmite, Gaz. You know I haven't
256
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:25,080
been able to go near the stuff
since you made me lick a whole
jarful out of your arse crack.
257
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:32,080
That's Marmite-rimming for you.
258
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,040
You either love it or you hate it.
259
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:41,520
No, Gaz. No, you're probably right.
260
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:46,840
You know what, Donna.
It's actually nice spending time
with you without divorcing you
261
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:50,160
or sleeping with you or
being attracted to you in any way.
262
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:54,520
Ooh, I feel wanted.
263
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,960
Well, maybe not that last one.
264
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:01,560
We should go shopping!
Decorations, flowers, food.
265
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,920
It's all on me! Sweet.
266
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:07,440
You know as well as I do what
she's doing. Don't be stupid.
267
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:11,000
Well, what are you waiting for?
Come on.
268
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,640
I'm judging you.
269
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:16,760
Lives!
270
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:26,240
Bloody cockneys.
They're just so pushy and they're
obsessed with weird foods.
271
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:30,600
Jellied ells, whelks, dog and bone.
272
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:33,680
Janet! What's up with you?
273
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,960
Are you ill again? Did you
start your period or something?
274
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,040
What?
275
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,960
Is that what it is? Is that why
you ran off? Was it your period?
276
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:48,520
Why are you asking me that?
Because if it was your
period I'll understand.
277
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:51,000
Was it your period?
278
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,920
Are you having your period?
279
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:54,880
Stop saying "period".
280
00:16:54,880 --> 00:17:00,000
Sorry. It's just Donna said that if
I'm afraid of something I should use
the word and it'll become less scary.
281
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,720
Cybermen.
282
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,760
It's just... I haven't had a job
since the police threw me out.
283
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,120
Then the first one I get
I don't even last a day.
284
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:13,600
It just upsets me, that's all.
It actually gives me stomach-ache.
285
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,360
It's stress, is that.
286
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:16,920
Don't be stressed.
287
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:20,360
It was your first day.
I'll teach you.
288
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:23,440
You've just got to have a bit
of banter with the punters.
289
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,720
A bit of what with the what?
290
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:27,720
Wesley, I am too sick for this.
291
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,880
OK. Let's pretend I'm an old lady.
292
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,440
Try and sell me this. What is this?
293
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:35,440
It's Jonny, my husband who died.
294
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,320
You've kept his head?
295
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,880
Yes, it's the bit with the kisses.
296
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,840
OK, hello little old lady. Would you
like to buy my dead husband's head?
297
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:53,320
No. No, no, no, no, no.
What? You need a USP.
298
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,080
A what? A USP.
299
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,640
Ooh, like a psychic power?
300
00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:00,680
A Unique Selling Point.
301
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,600
I think you'll find I have two.
302
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:06,080
That's not going to help
you out on the market, is it?
303
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,040
Depends what kind of market.
304
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,520
What you need to do is
find a way to be persuasive,
305
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:15,200
to make people trust you and want
to buy Val Doonican CDs from you.
306
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,760
I used to work in a baker's, people
bought things off me all the time.
307
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:21,680
That's because this is Runcorn.
Pastry is a vitamin here.
308
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,840
Yeah, true.
309
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,600
But what do I do? What is my USP?
310
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,680
I've got it!
311
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,880
Now, love, these bloomers would
cost upwards of eight quid in Japan.
312
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,080
I can let you have them for
four quid for six pairs.
313
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,560
Get out! We're not paying that for
knickers.
314
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,520
Oh, come on.
I got to make a profit, ain't I?
315
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,480
Look, I can get ten pairs for
half that price off Fast Eddie.
316
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,080
Come on, girls!
317
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,840
Fast Eddie's knickers
are second-hand! Yeah-yeah-yeah.
318
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:52,040
All right, all right.
I tell you what.
I'll do them for three quid for six.
319
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:57,120
And I'll also throw in a free
Val Doonican CD and a kiss for
the first woman who buys them.
320
00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:00,120
Well, that's more like it,
ain't it, girls? Here you are!
321
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,200
Bargain at half the price.
322
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:15,120
Oh! That was so much fun!
It was like you were Daddy Warbucks
and I was Fanny.
323
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:16,880
It's Annie.
324
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,840
Not in the film I saw.
325
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,480
What is all this crap?
Is it even edible?
326
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,360
They eat them in that London.
They're blinis.
327
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,080
Who's Bill Ini?
328
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,760
Gaz. Is he from that London?
329
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,200
Must be with a silly name like
Bill Ini.
330
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:39,960
People round here are called
sensible things like
Corinthian or Timothy Claypole. Gaz.
331
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,280
Ivor Hardon.
332
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:45,760
Nobody's called Ivor Hardon.
333
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:49,280
I never said they were.
334
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:53,720
Seriously, I do have a hard-on.
Will you be sensible?
335
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,200
Oh, me eyes!
336
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,720
What's happened to me eyes?
337
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,240
Stop it, Gaz.
338
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:05,560
We are divorced. Some might say we
should be excoriating each other.
339
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,640
Ooooo.
340
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,560
Via our solicitors.
341
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:14,000
Ooooo. Over the phone. Oooo.
342
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,560
You know what? I've missed this.
343
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,280
We have good times together.
344
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,360
I know. I miss it too.
345
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,720
Gaz, you touch me
in a very special way.
346
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,640
Ooooo.
347
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:29,080
Can you not be serious for once?
348
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,520
I can be seriously sexy.
349
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,120
You know what your trouble is?
350
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:34,760
What? Shagging Janet?
351
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,560
Over it. Let me see. What is it?
352
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,880
Sleeping with your mum? Ooo...
353
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,320
Shit. No, shit.
Sorry, I forgot she was dead.
354
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,280
I'm so sorry. I've pushed it too far.
Donna, I'm sorry.
355
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,840
No, that's fine.
It's absolutely fine.
356
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:58,160
Please feel free to make jokes
about shagging my dead mother.
357
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,440
You can't take
anything seriously, can you?
358
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:04,160
Not my mum's death,
not our wedding vows.
359
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,840
Oh, this. I knew you weren't over it!
360
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,520
I wonder. Can anyone see
why we're divorced? I can!
361
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:12,040
Liiiives!
362
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:17,960
Shut up, Tim!
Talk to Arthur, you big closet case.
363
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:24,280
That's nice. That's really nice,
Donna, great friend you are.
364
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:28,240
Yeah? If I'm such a terrible friend,
maybe I shouldn't be
part of your lives for a while.
365
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:30,600
Oh, go on, then. Why don't you
excoriate me, then?
366
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:32,600
Oh, wow! You learnt a word!
367
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,640
You know what?
We just can't be friends. We can't.
368
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,200
We're divorced.
This is what happens, right?
369
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:42,600
You think you can stay friends
but really there's always
this resentment, this hatred.
370
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,360
You hate me?
371
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:46,240
Right now, a little bit.
372
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:48,400
Well, I don't hate you.
373
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:01,240
You were brilliant!
374
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:03,600
You're a natural! High five!
375
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:08,320
Janet, are you OK?
You look a bit pale.
I thought it would go away.
376
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:11,240
Maybe I just need to fart it out.
377
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:15,360
While you do that,
can I use your toilet?
378
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:18,120
I just need to empty my bowels.
379
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:22,440
By having a bowel movement.
Go ahead.
380
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:27,320
Gaz, I'm glad you're home.
I've been feeling really unwell.
381
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,840
I think I need a doctor.
It's Donna, right?
382
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:33,520
She was helping me organise this
big surprise for you and it's ruined.
She ruined it.
383
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:36,600
I don't think I could cope with
a surprise. I really feel unwell.
384
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:40,160
It doesn't matter now, anyway.
It'll have to wait.
385
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:42,480
I don't want you talking
to her any more, right?
386
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,360
Gaz, what has she done?
387
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:48,680
I've not seen you this angry
since you dipped your cock
in that jar of VapoRub.
388
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:50,640
I thought it was lard.
389
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,600
At least it's airways are clear.
390
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:57,440
It's Donna.
391
00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,200
She just won't let things go.
392
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:02,320
That's not true. She let you go.
393
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,680
And she let Runcorn go
so we could be together.
394
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,920
Gaz, I really think I need a doctor.
395
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,640
What's up, love?
396
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,880
I've got really bad stomach-ache.
397
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:15,000
She was only trying to help me, she
was only trying to help us, really.
398
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,360
It must be hard for her.
399
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:20,080
Yeah, poor Donna. Gaz, I really
think... Yes, I know, I know.
400
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:22,240
You're right. I'll go and apologise.
401
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,160
Oh.
402
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:29,680
I have flushed my faeces.
403
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:31,880
Baby Spice.
404
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,520
Argh! Oh!
405
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,040
Janet, are you OK?
406
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:43,040
Donna? Gaz.
407
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:47,640
I'm, er...sorry about earlier.
408
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:49,400
I do miss arguing with you.
409
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:50,960
It's not the same with Janet.
410
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:54,080
Yes, the tit wanks are more cushiony.
411
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,640
But it's still not the same.
412
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:00,400
Janet's your soulmate.
413
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:06,000
You made that choice and I should
just stop interfering in
that relationship. It's just...
414
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,600
I was jealous, all right?
415
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:10,360
You?
416
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:13,480
Jealous? But your life's perfect.
417
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,280
You're perfect.
418
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:20,840
I've had an amazing time today,
and I haven't even ejaculated.
419
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:24,000
I don't want you out
of my life at all.
420
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,920
I love you.
421
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,720
You know, as a friend.
422
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,120
As a best friend. Don't, Gaz.
423
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:32,960
Look, listen, Donna.
424
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:34,960
Yes?
425
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,320
I want you to be part of this.
426
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:40,160
Right? So...
427
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,720
Will you be my best man?
428
00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:46,680
Because you're my best woman.
429
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:49,960
Course I will.
430
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:54,520
That's great. I'm not stripping
at the stag do, though.
431
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,520
It's tradition!
432
00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:00,240
Period. Period.
433
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,520
Period. Per... Wesley, get Gaz.
434
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:04,400
Wesley, come with me!
435
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:06,600
Wesley, get Gaz.
Wesley, come with me!
436
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:16,080
Me and you never had an engagement
party, did we? No. We didn't.
437
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,480
Would it have been like
the one today, with bellinis?
438
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,280
Yeah, it would have been,
to be honest.
439
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,120
Only in a different pub.
440
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:25,720
Well, obviously.
Without the arguing?
441
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:30,080
Well, I could have done without
the whole "I've shagged
your dead mother" debate.
442
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,080
And with a different man.
443
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:33,680
No, with the same man.
444
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:43,000
Well, I better call it a night. What
are you and Wesley up to tonight?
445
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,960
Wesley's got a meeting with
the market inspector, so...
446
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,680
Wesley, it hurts so much.
447
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,600
Where's Gaz?
Oh, you want me to phone him?
448
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,280
That might be nice,
you big cockney twat!
449
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,080
How rude. I'll make my excuses.
450
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:07,640
Don't you dare leave me!
Oh, where's Gaz?
451
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,680
Period. Bowel movement. Cybermen.
452
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,480
Janet in pain.
453
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:16,200
What are you doing?
I'm trying not to be scared. You say
the word, it becomes less scary.
454
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:19,760
Dying, leaving Corinthian,
dying, leaving Corinthian.
455
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:21,680
Now I've got two more.
Thanks a lot.
456
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:25,040
I got here as soon as I could.
What's he doing here?!
457
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:29,400
Oh, it's nice to feel wanted.
He's the only one I could contact.
458
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:31,240
What's the matter? Where's Gaz?
459
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:33,800
I couldn't get hold of anyone.
Well, try again!
460
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:39,240
Where you taking her? We have to
prep her for surgery immediately.
461
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,040
Find Gaz! Please!
462
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:42,200
SHE WAILS
463
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,360
Tim, I'm scared.
464
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,800
Ah. Ah, there, there.
465
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:51,000
It's nice to feel wanted.
466
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,560
Now toughen up, you big pansy.
467
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:55,400
I'll stay here.
You go and phone Gaz.
468
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,960
MOANING AND GROANING
469
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:14,360
Oh, why don't
I have a boyfriend, Timothy? Why?
470
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:17,920
Janet's in hospital? Not any more,
no. She's at home, kicking off.
471
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:21,800
She got all moody when I told her
I'd been shagging you.
472
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:24,440
It's been so long
since I've had a good banging,
473
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:27,120
I think my mimsy
may have scabbed over.
474
00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:30,040
Look, I want to talk to you.
I want to apologise.
475
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:34,080
Sowwy!
476
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:35,720
I know you slept with Gaz.
477
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,680
Oh, right.
478
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:44,560
with bubbles in it
38510
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