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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,640
Just get it over with quickly.
2
00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:08,920
Donna Wilkinson, will you be
my lawfully estranged wife?
3
00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:10,840
Better tell Janet the divorce is
off.
4
00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:13,960
You're not getting divorced?
I told you she'd be all right.
5
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,160
You've hurt me with your deception.
6
00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:18,640
Oh, frigging hell!
7
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:21,080
I'll be divorced immediately.
8
00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:23,640
ELECTRIC SPARKING
Ow!
9
00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:35,080
with bubbles in it
10
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,840
So...
11
00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:01,080
Such a young couple,
12
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:04,680
and you've been married how long?
13
00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:07,120
Ages. A few months.
Hmm.
14
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:09,520
Such a shame. So young.
15
00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:12,840
Are you crying?
16
00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:17,360
It's dusty in here.
17
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,440
And dust makes you sad?
18
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:21,640
Yeah.
19
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:25,480
Well, don't make this any worse,
Gaz, we need to end this thing.
GAZ SIGHS
20
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,320
Well, do you?
21
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,840
Yes.
22
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:30,560
Listen to the man!
23
00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:34,600
Well, I see so many divorces that...
24
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:38,000
I hate to see people
throwing it all away on a whim.
25
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:41,280
Oh! He shagged my best friend.
26
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,960
She moved to London.
He's an imbecile.
27
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,320
She uses blow jobs to get presents.
28
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,840
Don't we all?
LAWYER CHUCKLES
29
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:55,640
He smells of eggs. She's got
a verruca! He gave it to me!
30
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,800
Listen to yourselves.
31
00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,080
Look, it isn't my place to say...
32
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:03,600
Well, then, don't. Ignore her. What?
33
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:07,560
Well, I just think that if you're
still so bothered by each other,
34
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:11,280
if you can still conjure up
such strong feeling
towards each other,
35
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:14,720
then you obviously
still care for one another.
36
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,560
I couldn't give a hairy shit!
37
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:22,600
I'm in love with someone else.
Guys... Guys?!
38
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,800
I'm not paying you a ton fifty
an hour to be called, "Guys."
39
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:29,440
Who are we,
the cast of Britannia High? You wish.
40
00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:32,120
OK.
41
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:33,680
Mr and Mrs Wilkinson...
42
00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:36,000
Oh...mmm...
43
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,560
"Guys" is fine.
44
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:42,520
Look, I get paid regardless,
so I'm not saying this for my sake.
45
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,720
I hate divorce.
46
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,440
My parents were divorced...
47
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:49,720
Ooh, it's like A Child Called It
made flesh.
48
00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:53,560
I just want you to be sure
before we proceed.
49
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:57,240
If there's any way this relationship
can be salvaged,
50
00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:01,560
I want you to think very carefully
about what you're doing.
51
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:06,320
He's right, Donna.
I mean, should we be doing this?
52
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:09,080
I mean, think back.
Think of the good times.
53
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:13,040
Which ones? The ones where you were
shagging Janet behind my back,
54
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:17,960
or the jolly days
when you used to fart on my head,
and call it a love rumble?
55
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:22,080
No.
56
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,440
Remember when we first
got together...?
57
00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:33,880
Fair maiden,
58
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:38,440
wouldst thou give me the pleasure
of thy company for up to
14 minutes of dirty sex?
59
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:43,160
Why, yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!
60
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,000
Don't you remember?
61
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:58,320
That never happened.
I'll tell you what I remember...
62
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,960
Ooh, yeah!
63
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,840
Oh, God!
64
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:04,320
Aaah... Gah!
65
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:15,600
Wooh! Oh, I tell you what,
it fits like a rubber glove.
66
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,240
Smells like one too!
67
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:19,800
Uh!
68
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,160
Oh, it was beautiful, wasn't it?
69
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:29,760
Yes,
that really was the most romantic
thing that has ever happened to me.
70
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,960
I'm not joking, it was.
That's not true,
71
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:37,040
I was romantic tons of times.
Do you remember when
I bought you flowers? Er, no.
72
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,520
Yeah, you do. You do.
73
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:43,560
Jonny had just died, right, and you
were all upset, so I came round...
74
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:44,600
Hey.
75
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:47,120
Hi, Gaz.
I was just thinking about you.
76
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,920
That's a coincidence,
I was just thinking about me too.
77
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:54,680
I got you these.
Gaz, these are beautiful. Aw!
78
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:55,720
Come on.
79
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,080
Gaz, we shouldn't be doing this.
What about Donna?
80
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:02,760
She's my best friend.
81
00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:05,800
I can't help myself.
82
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:13,200
Yeah, that wasn't you, was it? No.
83
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,640
No, it wasn't. That's when you
were shagging my best friend.
84
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,240
Can we have a divorce, please?
85
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:22,800
Surely you have some good memories,
Donna? If I may call you that?
86
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:27,480
It's better than Mrs frigging
Wilkinson. Oh, is that hyphenated?
87
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,080
Come on, Donna!
88
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:34,160
Your time with me wasn't all bad.
Admit it, we had a laugh.
89
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:38,240
SHE SIGHS
Yes, well,
I suppose sometimes you were OK.
90
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,440
Like when you surprised me
for my birthday that year...
91
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,280
Oh, I wonder what he's got planned.
92
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:50,520
If I know Gaz,
it'll be something vacuous,
facile, and probably penile.
93
00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,160
Ooh, fingers crossed!
94
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:57,640
I'm not sure. I mean, it's not every
day you turn 25. My quarter-century!
Hey!
95
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,520
When I get there, shoot me.
96
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,440
What are you talking about?
I thought you were about 50.
97
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,720
How dare you,
you squat little shit?
98
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,960
Come on, everyone.
It's Donna's day, let's be happy!
99
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:14,360
Yes, I've had my hair done specially.
14 quid this was. Oh!
Did you get the head stylist, then?
100
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:17,200
Margaret. She's the one
who doesn't have the shakes.
101
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,760
ENGINE REVS
102
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,960
That's Gaz! I recognise the helmet.
103
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,200
Wait, is that my birthday surprise?
104
00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:33,680
Sort this hair out.
105
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,720
There you go.
106
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,360
Right, hop on, love!
We're going to Penketh!
107
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:44,440
I mean, how was I supposed to know
you'd just had your hair done?
108
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:48,040
I don't notice stuff like
clothes and hair. I'm a man.
109
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,560
When's the last time
you noticed I made an effort?
110
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:57,320
Scraping the knob cheese
from under your foreskin
does not count as an effort.
111
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,720
Well, la-di-da, Lady Muck.
112
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,760
You know what, you've always
been the same - selfish.
113
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:06,360
I mean, what kind of a girl wants to
go on a motorbike on her birthday?
114
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,720
My kind of girl!
And Sandy from Grease. Oh.
115
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:13,680
When she'd had a perm and
slagged herself up. Just don't...
116
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:18,680
When I threw out his porn,
he used to wank over the You're
The One That I Want sequence.
117
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,760
We haven't been able
to go to a funfair since.
118
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,160
You said that's cos you had
a bad experience on the waltzers!
119
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,160
Yes, because of you.
120
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,600
You nearly blinded me!
121
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,840
I couldn't help it.
Blame it on the G-force.
122
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:36,200
Such animosity.
123
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,160
Why did you ever decide
to get married in the first place?
124
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:40,680
Huh! Desperation.
125
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:46,080
Because I loved her. And you
weren't desperate, you could
have had any man you wanted.
126
00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,320
God knows what you got up to
in that London.
127
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:54,520
OK, so I'm gonna have you and you,
and you and you. But not you.
128
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,200
Oh, go on, you too!
SHE LAUGHS
129
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,320
Oh, this is so much better
than Runcorn!
130
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,720
It wasn't like that.
131
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:04,880
Oh?
132
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,080
Sorry, Donna,
but we don't have willies.
133
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:13,480
What? No-one in that London does.
134
00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:19,400
And even if we did,
they wouldn't be as big or as noble
as Gaz Wilkinson's.
135
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,560
We've heard he's quite the treat.
136
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:23,560
'It wasn't like that either!'
137
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,440
Remember when you all came to visit?
138
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,560
I didn't. No. YOU didn't.
139
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,560
I was really unhappy down there!
140
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:39,480
and battle come down
141
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:46,640
you boys and girls
142
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,920
now don't look to us
143
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,880
has bitten the dust
144
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:57,440
see, we ain't got no swing
145
00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:00,920
of the truncheon thing
146
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,440
the sun's zooming in
147
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:08,360
the wheat is growing thin
148
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,480
but I have no fear
149
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:23,360
Where were you, Gaz? Where do you
think? Looking after Corinthian.
150
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,560
Oh, that's another thing.
He impregnated my best friend!
151
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:28,040
It was an accident.
152
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,800
I thought I was infertile,
it could happen to anyone.
153
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:36,520
Anyone who stuck their cock in
their wife's best friend! OK, OK.
154
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,520
That's why I didn't come to London.
155
00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:42,840
I didn't want to go over and over
the fact that I accidentally
rammed one up Janet. Oh!
156
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,000
We're going off the point!
157
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:51,200
Though I'm on 150 an hour,
so, please, continue.
158
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:52,920
I hated it down there.
159
00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,440
I was so lonely, it was so big.
160
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:58,040
I had no friends.
So I came back to Runcorn.
161
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,880
Yeah, and insisted on going on
that bloody tour.
162
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:04,000
Which once again,
hubby dearest, you wouldn't come on.
163
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:11,640
of a drunken hour
164
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:20,040
and then I found a job
165
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:45,240
You just get a better class
of pigeon here, is all.
166
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:49,160
Can't you see why I'm divorcing her?
I'm divorcing you
is what's happening.
167
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,120
That's what's happening? Yes, it is.
168
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,920
I'm sorry Little Miss Shouty Lady.
I DO NOT SHOUT!
169
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:57,520
You're shouting now. Oh, that's not
shouting. That's her calm voice.
170
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,040
Shit! Really?
171
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,280
Really.
172
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,960
Oh, my God! I don't believe this!
173
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,360
Oh, my God! I don't believe this!
174
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:16,240
Oh, my God! There...
175
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,280
There are people here!
You are wank...
176
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:21,320
STATIC DROWNS WORDS
177
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,080
HE MOUTHS
178
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,840
I was deaf for three days.
179
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:34,600
I don't know why I bothered with you
in the first place. Cos I'm sexy.
180
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:38,960
Yeah, if this marriage
has taught me one thing,
it's never to go for looks again.
181
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,280
From now on,
it's brains and personality.
182
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,880
I've got brains.
I fix cars for a living.
183
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,040
Wow! You're like the Fonz!
184
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:52,280
You're like the Fonz.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very witty. God, I loathe you.
185
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,280
I loathed you
the first time I met you.
186
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,120
No, you didn't. Yes, I did.
187
00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:02,120
Janet set us up on that date, and
you were rude and obnoxious... Sexy.
188
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,040
Yes, that too,
but mostly rude and obnoxious.
189
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,520
No, you liked me
the first time you met me.
190
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:11,920
No, I didn't. We had that enormous
argument about your porn, remember?
191
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:18,240
That wasn't the first time we met.
The first time we met
was 20 years ago in the park.
192
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,800
Is an elephant as big as my house?
Yeah.
193
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:34,520
But you must never live
in an elephant, because...
194
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:39,760
Why? Because...you may get a cold.
Gimme that!
195
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,280
No!
JANET WAILS
196
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,480
You mustn't snatch!
I'm telling my mum!
197
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:46,840
Your mum is fat!
198
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:52,360
And she gets her hair
cut by a gardener,
because my mummy did say so!
199
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:57,800
Your mummy is a lazy slag,
because my mummy did say so!
200
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:58,880
Oh!
201
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:02,320
Stop fighting!
DONNA CRIES
202
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,080
You've made Donna cwy.
203
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:06,200
Donna's a cwy baby!
204
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,640
Am not! Ah!
205
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,880
Serves you right for snatching.
206
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:12,920
THEY SCREECH
207
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:18,800
Stop fighting!
Or you will upset the baby!
208
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,360
Knobheads!
209
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,320
HE MIMICS AN AIRPLANE ENGINE
210
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,680
Hello!
211
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,760
Do you not have any friends?
212
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,120
I'll be your friend.
213
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,360
Will you be my girlfriend?
214
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:47,240
No! I'm not old enough for boys
because I am only five.
215
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,040
Erm...erm...
216
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,160
What...what's the sheepses name?
217
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,440
Satan.
218
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:59,040
Why? Because he is a devil sheep,
219
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:04,040
and when you are asleep, he comes in
the night, and eats your eyes.
220
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,040
That's not nice.
221
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:11,560
I know. But all sheep are like that.
You must be very afraid of them,
222
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:17,160
because they are evil,
and will kill you dead. Baaaaaaa!
223
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:19,240
GAZ WAILS
224
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:21,480
DONNA LAUGHS
225
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,080
Silly boys!
226
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,400
And that's why
you're scared of sheep?
227
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:30,960
That's why.
228
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,960
Well, why didn't you tell me?
229
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,800
I thought you'd feel bad.
I was trying to protect you.
230
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,480
You complete dickhead!
231
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:45,400
"He comes in the night,
and eats your eyes?"
232
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:49,720
OK.
233
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:54,240
I think I'm starting to see what
might be wrong with this marriage.
234
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:56,640
Her. She's what's wrong
with this marriage.
235
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:59,160
Can't you see any sort
of future for you?
236
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,080
No. I say this to all my clients.
237
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:07,640
Before you go any further,
I want you think of the future,
and what it might be like.
238
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:16,760
I am Gazroid, defender of the mighty
galaxy of Thoron in the year 4099.
239
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,640
Not that far into the future!
240
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:24,920
I want you to imagine what it'd
be like not being married any more.
241
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,760
On the one hand, you'd be free.
On the other hand...
242
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,040
Go on, take that
you pesky space spider!
243
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:37,000
He's asking us to think about what
it'd be like to be single again.
244
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,560
The not-too-distant future.
245
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,440
I don't have to imagine.
I've got Janet and Corinthian.
246
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:46,280
A ready made family
all nice and perfect for me.
You, on the other hand... Whoa!
247
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:52,800
Louise? Yes, Ida? It's Donna.
248
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,080
I prefer Ida. Oh.
249
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:58,080
Suit yourself.
Put another bar on the fire.
250
00:15:58,080 --> 00:15:59,800
We can't afford it.
251
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:04,640
Not since you lost your job
because the brewery don't like
single people running their pub.
252
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:06,360
It's discrimination.
253
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,440
And then your affair with Arthur
went public.
254
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:13,440
You got so desperate after your
divorce you slept with anything.
255
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,120
Arthur said he'd call.
256
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,600
And that turned all
the married women against you.
257
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:23,080
Afraid you'd steal their menfolk.
258
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,840
Janet never spoke to you again.
259
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,680
I was a right slag. Yeah.
260
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:32,920
Which is why you contracted
syphilitic gangrene.
261
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,560
You had to have
your fanny chopped off.
262
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,720
That smarted.
263
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:45,400
And as a young divorcee,
nobody really wanted
to take you up the aisle again.
264
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,960
No.
265
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,160
Your looks started to fade.
266
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,520
You went and got all jowly.
267
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,600
Gobble gobble! Turkey neck.
268
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,280
Batwings.
269
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,640
Saddlebags. False teeth.
270
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:02,160
Urgh, really?
271
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,400
I stopped brushing them
after I lost my job.
272
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,000
There didn't seem much point.
273
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:13,760
Oh. Never mind,
you've always got me.
274
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:19,160
That's true.
I'll always have my best friend.
275
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:23,800
LOUISE GAGS AND CHOKES
276
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,640
Oh, crap!
277
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:32,040
We have to stay married.
We can't get divorced.
278
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:37,120
Why? It's a long story, Gaz,
one that ends with Louise's death!
279
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,000
Yeah, once again, why?
280
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,960
Gaz, trust me.
281
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,920
I can't be divorced at this age.
282
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,120
It's better than being 50.
283
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,760
What chance would you have
of meeting someone new?
284
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,080
Thanks!
285
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:57,280
He's right. I mean, I'd be all
right, men improve with age.
286
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:58,800
But you... Urgh!
287
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:05,160
You'd be tucking your arse
into your socks, and throwing
your tits over your shoulders.
288
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,640
It's not pretty.
289
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:10,320
Thank you! That's cheered me up!
I already feel on the scrapheap!
290
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,640
I swear my nipples are an inch lower
than they were at 21!
291
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,440
Inch and a half.
292
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,360
Trust me, I'm an expert.
293
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:20,800
Gaz, when we got married...
That was the best day of me life.
294
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,520
Yeah, but that day
when we said our vows...
295
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,440
"Forsaking all others
as long as we both shall live?"
296
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,120
I buggered that one up, didn't I?
297
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:29,600
GAZ CHUCKLES
298
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,320
Sorry.
299
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:36,520
Did you actually think,
when we were looking into each
other's eyes, that we'd end up here?
300
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,840
No. I didn't think we'd be able
to afford a snazzy solicitor.
301
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:43,840
Unlike the agents in the old town,
this one's actually wearing shoes.
302
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,440
Though not pants.
LAWYER CHUCKLES
303
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,520
Sorry. I mean, did you think
that it was gonna be forever?
304
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:55,480
Yeah, course, why not?
305
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:56,960
Did you, though,
306
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,880
or did some tiny part of you
think that it wouldn't last?
307
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:04,720
That this marriage was just
a band-aid over a much greater
wound in our relationship?
308
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,240
"A much greater wound
in our relationship?"
309
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,960
Who are you, William Wordsmith?
310
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,760
Worth. What's worth?
311
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,760
William Wordsworth.
312
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:20,360
Who's he?
313
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,200
A poet.
314
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,120
Never heard of him.
315
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:29,680
Is he as good as William Wordsmith?
316
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,720
Look, that's beside the point.
317
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:35,680
I just need to know whether you
thought these vows meant anything.
318
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:41,840
You know, not since what's done
is done, but when you said those
things to me in the registry office.
319
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:48,240
Donna, when we got married,
I loved you with everything I had.
320
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,560
Those vows were from the heart.
321
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,720
I would have died for you.
322
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:56,440
You know, I'd have done anything
to make you do your special smile -
323
00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:57,840
the one you only do for me.
324
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,160
It's not that one.
325
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:07,600
No, it's not that one.
326
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,000
Now you just look mental.
327
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:18,280
Marrying you...
Yeah, it was what I'd always wanted.
328
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:22,360
Messing it up was the biggest
mistake I ever made.
329
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:26,280
Then why did you do it?
330
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,560
Because... I don't know. Love.
331
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:35,200
Our love, it wasn't enough.
It wasn't.
332
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,720
I'm asking you
if you felt like that because...
333
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,480
when I said those vows... No, even...
334
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:44,280
even before that, you know? When
we got engaged, when you proposed...
335
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,520
I just always had this feeling
like I was going along with it.
336
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,280
That that was what life was about.
337
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:53,120
The whole time I had this
little voice in my head...
338
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,200
telling me that it wasn't right,
but I just...
339
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:57,920
kept ignoring it.
340
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,400
Well, you could have mentioned it!
341
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:05,120
Here's muggins sat here, none the
wiser, your little voice saying,
342
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:08,400
"Donna, Gaz isn't right for
you. He isn't good enough for you.
343
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,680
"He accidentally weed on your
toothbrush and didn't tell you."
344
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:19,840
What?! And...
345
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:21,360
How?!
346
00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:24,720
After sex,
it shoots off in all directions.
347
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,920
Only buy yellow towels.
348
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:32,320
Once I sent that tip into
Chat magazine - they never used it.
349
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,600
No, Gaz, what I'm trying to say is
that it's my fault that we're here.
350
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,880
I should never have married you.
351
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:43,120
We'd all be so much better off
if we'd never met.
352
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:48,640
Hello, fat Gaz.
353
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,880
I like it when you come in,
you're very slimming.
354
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:53,400
I try my best.
355
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,800
Are you off on the pull tonight,
then?
356
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,080
Oh, aye. Yeah.
357
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:01,720
Be off down all the trendy wine
bars, and the clubs of the old town.
358
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,840
Strutting me stuff.
Showing the ladies what I'm made of.
359
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,920
Shall I stick your tune on,
get you in the mood? Oh, aye, aye.
360
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:11,680
I could do with a bit of warming up.
361
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,560
brings all the boys to the yard
362
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:20,640
it's better than yours
363
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,800
but I have to charge
364
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:27,080
all the boys to the yard
365
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,240
it's better than yours
366
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:36,040
I see fat Gaz is in again.
367
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,080
I know. It's a shame, isn't it?
368
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,240
Well, he looks happy enough.
369
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,600
I've never seen him
with a woman, though.
370
00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,760
Well, apparently he was
quite a looker in his youth.
371
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,160
All of the women fancied him.
Never!
372
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:52,600
Yeah.
He couldn't settle down though,
373
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:56,360
so he just lives this hedonistic
lifestyle of eating, drinking and...
374
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:59,720
Well, not sex any more,
I can tell you that.
375
00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:03,280
How can he even find the thing?
376
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,240
Look at him go! What a tragedy.
377
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,080
If only he'd met the right woman.
378
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:16,040
It's a tragedy.
I can't imagine how my life
would be different if we never met.
379
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:17,800
Oh, yes, I can.
380
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,720
Morning, Miss Henshaw.
Morning, Coots.
381
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:36,640
Have a bunch of cash, I'm loaded.
Is the toyboy ready?
382
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:38,720
Scrubbed and waiting, Miss Henshaw.
383
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,280
Excellent.
SHE LAUGHS
384
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:49,600
If I'd never met you,
I could have had a limousine! Hmm.
385
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,640
OAF! Well go and get one, then!
386
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,600
You've still got time,
your looks - for three years.
387
00:23:55,600 --> 00:24:00,920
You've got that brilliant brain.
What's stopping you signing these
papers, and grabbing your dream?
388
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,880
This says Mike Tyson!
389
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,240
Gaz!
390
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,200
And yours says Vera Lynn!
391
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:20,760
Oh, why can't we do this?!
392
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:23,880
Because...
we don't want to be divorced. No.
393
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:26,720
So you'll stay together?
No!
394
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:30,400
We don't wanna be
divorced from anyone.
We don't want to be divorcees.
395
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,520
We don't have to be. I don't
wanna to stay married to you, Gaz.
396
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:35,920
I don't wanna be married to you.
397
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,960
What if...
I marry Janet, you marry Wesley?
398
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:43,160
Wesley isn't just gonna marry me
like that. I know I'm a catch,
but it's too soon.
399
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,160
But he will do one day.
400
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:49,160
And I... You know,
I really wanna marry Janet.
The way I feel about her...
401
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,120
Is it the same way you felt about me?
402
00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:59,560
Happy, Gaz?
403
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:01,320
Yeah!
404
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,720
'This was a mistake.'
405
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,840
Enjoy! Cheers, Tim.
406
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,840
SHE BURPS
407
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:24,920
Better out than in.
408
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:27,640
'This was a mistake.'
409
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:32,920
Gaz, I need to go round Louise's on
Friday night to tell her how pretty
and thin she is for three hours.
410
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:34,840
Your turn, is it? Mmm.
411
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,880
Donna did a double shift of it
last week. Will you babysit?
412
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,680
Yeah, course.
413
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,080
Me and Corinthian have a great time
when you're not here.
414
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,960
'This is the best decision
I've ever made.'
415
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:53,360
So? Is it the same?
416
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,800
Sometimes, yeah.
417
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:00,520
I mean, yeah, I feel...
418
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,040
just as in love with...
419
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:07,160
that person as I did with you.
Then we should do this.
Gimme those papers.
420
00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:23,960
Come here.
SHE SOBS
421
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:33,240
So, Mrs Wilkinson...
422
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:34,760
Ah!
423
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,800
Ms Henshaw, I think you'll find.
424
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:41,160
I'd best go and buy a ring.
425
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:43,760
You never got me a ring.
426
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:45,720
I wanna do it differently this time.
427
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:48,080
You know, properly.
For the person I love.
428
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,520
Good luck to you, then.
429
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,360
Yeah, good luck yourself.
430
00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:57,400
Thank you.
431
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:12,880
I could sling work her way.
432
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:14,840
Yeah, you've got that market stall.
433
00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:17,960
This is just what I need
to get me out the house.
434
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:20,360
I am still part of your life,
aren't I?
435
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:22,560
For old times' sake... Yeah!
436
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:24,360
You need a USP.
437
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:26,400
I think you'll find I have two.
438
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:29,720
That's not gonna help you
down the market, is it?
439
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:32,280
Depends what kind of market.
440
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:33,680
What are you up to tonight?
441
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:37,960
Wesley's has got a meeting
with a market inspector, so...
442
00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:43,520
give me a drink
443
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:47,640
wet glass with bubbles in it
444
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:03,240
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