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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,360
This programme contains adult humour.
2
00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:09,040
You'll have parental responsibility.
Who's more responsible than Gazman?
3
00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:14,120
I'm trying to be the best dad ever.
By asking men to sit on your lap
and play with your balls?
4
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:18,280
If you're not 100% happy in
that London, talk to him. OK.
5
00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,600
I've made up my mind.
I'm moving back to Runcorn!
6
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:23,400
ALL GASP
7
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:34,600
with bubbles in it
8
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:40,880
handle anything stronger now
9
00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:58,840
Who's a good boy for coming
shopping with Mummy? Corinthian is!
10
00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,720
Though we did make a little
puddle, didn't we? Didn't we?
11
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,680
Didn't we? Yes, we did!
12
00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:07,600
Fancy that! Both of us weeing
ourselves at the same time.
13
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,200
Give me your purse.
Is that a toffee apple?
14
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,480
Yeah, and I'm not afraid to use it.
15
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:14,200
You're robbing me? Just give it me.
16
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,520
And afterwards
you're probably going to
try and touch me, aren't you? No.
17
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:19,200
Oh. Why not, you snob?
18
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,600
Give me your purse!
19
00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:29,200
Help! A man just stole my
purse, please. Someone! Argh!
20
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,240
This is empty.
Can I have your phone instead?
21
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:45,360
Mugged! I've been mugged.
So, come on, what happens next?
When do you arrest him?
22
00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:49,520
You all right, love? But you're
the cops! The rozzers. The pigs.
23
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:52,920
You're supposed to kick his door down
while wearing an Aran sweater.
24
00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:55,480
I saw it in a documentary once.
25
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:59,480
Yes, it was a documentary called
The Sweeney. Oh, look, forget it!
26
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,320
I bid you good day.
27
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,160
What's happened? I got mugged.
28
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,240
You what? Who was it? Did he
touch you? Did he touch Corinthian?
29
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:08,920
I'll knock his frigging head off!
30
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,320
I'd use the other hand.
31
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,200
He took everything, Gaz.
32
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,200
My phone, my wallet, my dignity.
33
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:22,240
Oh, for god's sake! It's all
take, take, take with these muggers.
34
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:26,120
I know. That Mysterious Girl
ringtone was worth almost £3.
35
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,720
Come here, come here.
36
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,200
I'm all right, Gaz.
I'm just a bit shaken.
37
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,240
It's OK. Daddy's home now.
38
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,640
Everything's going to be OK.
39
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:37,960
OK, shush.
40
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:40,520
Shush!
41
00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:42,800
Shushy shushy!
Gaz. What are you doing?
42
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:47,760
Everything sounds comforting
when I use this voice,
doesn't it, little one? Eh?
43
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,600
Brain tumour.
44
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:56,160
Robert Kilroy-Silk.
Gaz! Get off me!
45
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,320
What? Stop treating me like a baby.
46
00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:00,640
I bet you never used to
talk to Donna like that.
47
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,080
But you're my
precious little flower.
48
00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:05,440
Gaz, I can look after myself as well.
49
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:08,200
In fact, I'll prove how tough I am.
50
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:12,320
I'm going to...
join the police force.
51
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:15,560
You can't just join the police.
It takes years of training. Fine.
52
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:19,520
Then I'll be one of those ones in
the funny outfits. What? Leprechauns?
53
00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:25,120
No, you know, Community Support
Officer. Then you'll see.
54
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:28,680
Anyway, you're wrong about Donna.
She does need looking after.
55
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,440
Hey, do you know what?
56
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,520
In fact, maybe I should
set her up with someone.
57
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:36,440
Well, whatever you do, Gaz, don't
end up having sex with her yourself.
58
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,600
Janet, how dare you? I'm not some
kind of walking erection with his
59
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,080
head in his ball-bag
who goes around having sex with...
60
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,880
Right, fine. I'll try not to.
61
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,920
So, this is it.
62
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:53,040
Me, on my own in Runcorn.
63
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:57,280
I may even end up like that
mental woman with all the
cats who smells of wee.
64
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,480
Janet hasn't got cats.
65
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:01,240
But I don't care.
66
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,000
Because I am officially off men.
67
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,880
They are nothing but trouble,
so I'm sealing it off.
68
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,160
I am building a wall
around my lady-meadow.
69
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:15,080
But you can't do that!
It's a public right of way.
70
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,920
Well, not any more.
71
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:27,440
My fluffy haddock pie
is officially off the menu.
72
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:33,520
I wouldn't care if Mr Darcy
walked in here with a Lindt bunny
stuck on the end of his cock.
73
00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:40,520
All right, Donna? I'm back.
Wesley. What are you doing here?
74
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:43,280
Look, can I have a word with you?
In private.
75
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,160
I just want to say, I forgive you.
76
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,920
Now get your stuff.
We're going back to London.
77
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:50,880
Oh!
78
00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,240
So, I spoke to the Staff
Sergeant and guess what?
79
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:03,040
I've got an interview
to be a Community Support Officer.
80
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,000
So what will you be doing?
81
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,440
Dealing with criminals, Louise.
82
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,000
Rapists, murderers,
people who drop Nik-Nak packets.
83
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:15,080
That very literally
sounds fascinating. I know.
84
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:18,920
I've just got to pass the interview.
Good luck with that,
you tedious chav.
85
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,840
What's wrong with you today?
I'm just a little...
86
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:28,360
Tired.
87
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,520
Oh, you poor thing.
88
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:32,680
How is the little one?
89
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:39,200
Well, he's been quite sad
since the big one died
but he still plays a lot of golf.
90
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,640
Not Ronnie Corbett.
91
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:45,880
Your little one, Louise.
Oh, she's absolutely great.
92
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:51,080
Last night she slept for two whole
minutes. One right after the other.
93
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:54,040
Corinthian was just the same
when Jonny died.
94
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,200
I couldn't get him to lie down.
95
00:05:56,200 --> 00:06:00,640
Not Jonny, obviously.
He couldn't get enough of lying down,
what with being dead and everything.
96
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,680
Then what happened?
97
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:06,040
Well, a few months later, Gaz
moved in and everything changed.
98
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:09,480
It made such a difference,
having someone else
to get up in the night.
99
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:17,800
My mum used to do that for me
but they've changed her drugs again
and now she's in a stabby phase.
100
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,760
It's hard being a single mum.
101
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:23,120
Yeah, and plebby.
102
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,720
I need to get me a baby-daddy!
103
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,200
Wesley, I can't.
I can't leave my mates.
104
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,280
They are not your mates.
105
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:35,200
Of course they are!
OK, so Gaz cheated on me.
106
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,000
And Janet stabbed me in the back.
And Louise is a squeaky twat-bag.
107
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,240
They're all I've got.
108
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,200
And besides, anyway, I am off men.
109
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:47,800
I have drawn my turkey
curtains for the last time.
110
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:52,720
I wanna be with you, Donna. I mean,
for crying out loud, I came
all the way up to Runcorn for you.
111
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:54,840
I didn't even have time
to get a tetanus shot!
112
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:57,840
Well, you will
be going home empty-handed.
113
00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,560
Because I don't need me no man.
114
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:10,560
You see, that tends to look a
bit more impressive when you
can actually click your fingers.
115
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,200
Oh, listen. Don't worry about her.
116
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,720
No man has been able to
understand her since Gaz.
117
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:21,560
Gaz, you say.
118
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,400
Now, to give the place
that little touch of class.
119
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,560
Pot pourri.
120
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:35,480
Which I've learnt is French
for "not crisps".
121
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:40,160
Donna, I was just passing. Right.
122
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,680
No, I'm not finished yet.
I was just passing wind.
123
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,280
Anyway,
I've been feeling a bit guilty.
124
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,120
About you ending up back here all
on your own, right. Oh. How kind!
125
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,920
Cos you're so precious,
126
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,960
you need someone to look after you.
127
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:57,840
So I'm gonna set
you up with someone.
128
00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:02,480
Aw! And as sweet and as
patronising as that is, I'm not
actually interested in men.
129
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,680
I've already found you someone.
Barry!
130
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:14,160
Gaz, who's this?
Your new boyfriend, Donna.
Barry the Pisshead.
131
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,240
Barry the Pisshead, Donna.
HE MUMBLES
132
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,200
Scallops.
133
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:26,680
Barry the Pisshead?
Ah, it's an affectionate
nickname, isn't it, Barry?
134
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,840
Huh! Huh! Scampi.
135
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:33,880
My, what a kook. Barry the Pisshead,
could you excuse us for a second?
MUMBLES
136
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,360
Property ladder.
137
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,240
Gaz, did you find him in the pub?
138
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:43,920
Of course not!
I found him in the bushes...
139
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:45,160
outside the pub.
140
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,440
Oh, my God. Is he a tramp?
It's all I could get
at short notice.
141
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:54,760
I'll take him back to the bushes
and swap him for Creepy Pete.
142
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,280
Gaz, I don't need you to set me up!
143
00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,080
I don't want another boyfriend.
144
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:04,280
I'm not lonely. Anyway, the only
man I'm interested in lives
too far away. Buzz Lightyear?
145
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,160
Yes, Gaz. Fine, whatever you say.
146
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:14,160
I'll phone round all the men
I had set up for you and tell
them you're not interested. Yes.
147
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,680
I'll have a Pringle.
148
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:25,000
Right, it says I need to explain
my personal policing style.
149
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,320
Am I a good cop or a bad cop?
150
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:31,480
'Fess up, you naughty little bitch
or I'll rip your cock off
and ram it down your throat!
151
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:35,720
What?
Does Timmy want a lickle cuddle?
Yes, he does.
152
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,560
Oh. That feels quite nice.
153
00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:39,640
Shut it!
154
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:42,920
Or I'll stuff my fist so far up your
arse I'll be picking your teeth
for you!
155
00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:44,920
Diana in heaven!
156
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:52,840
Next, it says I have to be able
to visit people and break bad
news to them. I can do that.
157
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,000
Tim.
Ah, Louise. Long time, no squeak.
158
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:04,360
The thing is, I'm looking for
a baby-daddy for little Louise
and I was thinking...
159
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:11,200
Me? Little ole tap-dancing,
shoe-shuffling, huggable,
loveable bar-tending ole me?
160
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,800
No, you oaf. Right.
161
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,920
I want someone a bit older.
162
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,880
Maybe someone good with money,
a nice job in the media.
163
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,000
Someone with a bit of mystery.
164
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,520
OK, Louise.
165
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,920
You've just described the banker
from Deal Or No Deal. I know.
166
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:29,640
Apparently, he's not up for it.
167
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,400
He's a miserable old bitch!
168
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:35,320
Though now you mention it,
maybe you wouldn't be so bad.
169
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,400
And everyone knows
gays make the best dads.
170
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,240
What are you talking about?
171
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,920
Who started this rumour?
172
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,280
Do you still want to be
the baby-daddy or not?
173
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,280
Not on your Nelly Furtado!
174
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:53,120
I just want a man.
Maybe I'll try Gaz.
175
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,080
Fine! And FYI, bitch-tits.
176
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,200
I'm as straight as J-Lo's fringe!
177
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:06,360
Yeah, I'm sorry for wasting your
time, Creepy Pete. She's just not
interested in blokes any more.
178
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,840
You're doing it again, aren't you?
179
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,960
Cos I can hear your skin flapping.
180
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,520
All right, fine.
181
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,080
But then we're even, right.
182
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,520
Oh, you are a big boy.
183
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:30,920
You're so big, so...
KNOCKING
I've got to go.
184
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:37,520
Oh, that Creepy Pete. He is creepy.
185
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,440
You. I thought you'd pissed off
back to where you came from. I did.
186
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,960
I'm back in Runcorn for one thing.
187
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,960
Donna. Oh. Come in.
188
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:54,120
Look, Gaz,
whatever you might think about me...
189
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,040
Yeah, you're a southern twat
with a twatty name.
190
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:02,600
Proceed. I'm serious about Donna.
I mean, why else would myself and
191
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:06,360
my iPhone come all the way
to the arsehole of the universe?
192
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:10,920
Oi! Runcorn
is not the arsehole of the universe.
193
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,840
It's the matted hair around
the arsehole of the universe.
194
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:23,400
Anyway, I kinda got to thinking,
if anyone knows how to win
Donna's heart, it's you. Really?
195
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:26,120
So what do you reckon?
You gonna help me out?
196
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:30,000
All right, fine. I'll help you.
197
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,800
She likes witty men.
198
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:37,680
Hence my opening gambit, "Sit on my
face and I'll guess your weight."
199
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:44,280
Wow. That really worked?
Eight stone, three pound.
200
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,040
Blimey.
201
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,280
What if she asks
about your interests?
202
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:49,920
I like cooking, a bit of running...
203
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,520
Uh-urrr!
204
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:57,440
She likes men who are into cars
and hardcore pornography.
205
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,520
Are you absolutely sure about this?
206
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:03,320
Who knows more about banging
Donna, me or you? Good point.
207
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:07,320
What's your attitude
to touching yourself in public?
Er, I don't do it.
208
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,400
Wrong.
209
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:11,720
Observe.
210
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,000
And to finish...
211
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,120
Drives her absolutely nuts.
212
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:34,160
Ah. Hi. Donna Wilkinson,
nee Henshaw?
213
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,760
Yes.
214
00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,480
I'm afraid it's your grandma.
215
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,800
She's, erm... she's dead.
216
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,200
What?
217
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:44,760
She, er...
218
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:46,560
she got hit by a bakery van.
219
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,880
I wanted to tell you before
you saw it on the local news.
220
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:53,680
They're going with the headline:
Nan SLAM By Man In Flan Van.
221
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,040
Janet... oh, my God... Not really.
222
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:04,320
Sorry, I'm just practising
for my new job.
223
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,880
God, I'm good at being sensitive!
224
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,800
Wow! God, I love what
you've done with the place.
225
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,320
Oh, nibbles and everything.
226
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:17,160
Oh, cheers. Do excuse the tramp.
227
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:24,640
Donna, look. Are you all right,
being back here and everything?
228
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,160
Course I am. What do you mean?
229
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,320
It's just, Gaz has got it into
his head that you're all lonely.
230
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,200
Lonely? That's...
231
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,240
I'm not lonely!
232
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:38,200
So you're not, you know,
moping around like a big,
sad, old, miserable lesbo?
233
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,720
No! As if!
234
00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:43,400
Right. It's just, I just feel bad,
you know, that I've got Gaz...
235
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,440
Well, I stole Gaz. And you've got...
236
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,760
well... Barry, the shithead.
237
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:53,280
Fisherman's friend! Could you
stay out of this, please, Barry?
238
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:56,000
Thank you.
SHE LAUGHS
239
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,360
What?
240
00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:00,760
It's just,
you're like I was a year ago.
241
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,240
No job, no man, no hope.
242
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,560
It's just funny how things change.
243
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,440
Yeah.
244
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,080
You know what? Wesley was right.
245
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,960
You and Gaz, you're not my friends,
coming around here, patronising me.
246
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:16,640
Donna, hang on... You know what?
I'm gonna go and find Wesley
right now
247
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,160
and tell him that I'm ready
to go back to London with him.
248
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:25,760
Oh, what have I done?
Yeast infection.
249
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:32,480
And then what if Donna asks,
"Do you fancy eating out tonight?"
250
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:36,520
I go, "Absolutely. I hear
there's a lovely fish restaurant...
251
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,720
"in your knickers."
252
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,120
And then you do what?
Er, I go like this...
253
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:50,480
While doing...
254
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:53,640
While secretly massaging the tip
of my penis through my pocket.
255
00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:00,960
She's gonna love you. Right,
practise on Louise. Now, calm.
256
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,840
Now! Go on.
257
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,960
You've got 206 bones in your body.
Want one more?
258
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,680
I'm welling up over here!
259
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,840
What's going on?
260
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:17,040
Softy-bollocks just become a man.
261
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,040
Now, go forth and multiply.
262
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,040
Cheers, Gaz. Right,
I'm off to win my beloved's heart!
263
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:29,320
Gaz... I want you to be a father
figure for little Louise. You what?
264
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:32,520
Well, I just want to make
sure she grows up right.
265
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,080
Course she's gonna grow upright.
266
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,480
She's not going to
grow up sideways, is she?
267
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,240
Properly, idiot.
268
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:46,440
I'm not coping on my own and
you've helped raise Corinthian,
and he seems perfectly...
269
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,680
GASPS
What?
270
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:52,120
Oh, my God. He's chewing tobacco!
271
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:53,720
Tobacco?
272
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,600
Don't be ridiculous, Louise!
273
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,160
It's not tobacco. It's mud.
274
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,440
What about his little tongue?
275
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,800
Louise, Louise, Louise...
276
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:09,640
It's his milk tongue.
He'll grow another one.
277
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,080
How do I look? Donna, if I wasn't
a happily married man,
278
00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:22,520
I'd rip your clothes off,
strap something to you and bend
myself over the pinball machine.
279
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:34,200
Good enough for me.
Now, go get him, you great big
freaky-haired sex leopard!
280
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:40,680
Hi. Yes...hello.
281
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:44,320
I'm Wesley. But you can call me...
282
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,040
anytime. Especially during the
middle of night when I will be
283
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:53,080
available for sex with you,
your sister and your mum.
284
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:58,160
Right. My mum's dead. Yeah, I know.
285
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,880
OK. That's great.
286
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:06,160
I just wanted to ask,
were your parents retarded,
because you're really special?
287
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:16,200
Right. You see, the whole mum
being dead thing, it's still
kind of a bit sensitive.
288
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,360
Yeah, sorry. Please continue.
289
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,640
Well, you were right,
what you were saying about
my mates being bastards.
290
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:25,960
My interests include Transit vans
and hardcore pornography.
291
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,080
Right. And I was thinking that maybe
I should come back to London...
292
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,160
I have a wide range of hobbies,
including masturbation,
293
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:35,200
mutual masturbation
and masturbation in public.
294
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,920
Wesley, are you massaging the tip
of your penis through your pocket?
295
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:46,960
Absolutely!
296
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,920
Gaz!
297
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,520
He put you up to this, didn't he?
298
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,760
The patronising, interfering wanker!
299
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,680
And as for you,
I thought you were different.
300
00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,880
Donna, I can explain though...
Yeah? Well, why don't you stick
this in your big stupid iPhone.
301
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:04,040
I am not coming back to London
with you. Not now, not ever.
302
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,080
Stop putting it in your iPhone!!
303
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,640
So? How do I look? No need to answer.
304
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:18,760
Stop rubbing yourself through
your pocket. Well spotted.
305
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,840
A good officer has the eyes
of a hawk, the ears of a...
306
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,680
hawk and the speed of a...
Why don't they just employ hawks?
307
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,520
Don't worry.
It's a casual little job interview.
308
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,160
You're right. And if all else fails,
I can do this...
309
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,960
Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
310
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,880
That's amazing.
311
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,760
All I need to do now is to
practise my conflict resolution.
312
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,360
Gaz Wilkinson, you total shitehouse!
313
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,360
Well, now,
there's a stroke of luck.
314
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,880
Is this about the homeless man
I left in your flat?
315
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:49,400
I'll get rid of him,
I'll set some traps or something.
316
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:53,520
No Gaz, it's about you,
interfering in MY life!
317
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,320
What the hell did you do to Wesley?!
318
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,720
I just gave him a few pointers.
319
00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,480
How to turn you on and suchlike.
320
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:03,000
By suggesting that my
dead mother is retarded
321
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:07,360
and masturbating himself
through his clothes?
322
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,160
Ello, 'ello, 'ello,
323
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:11,920
if I may just interject.
324
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,760
And you're even worse!
Don't you know how to control him?
325
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:18,520
Of course I do.
I masturbate him through his clothes.
326
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:22,880
Look, as a PCSO I can handle this.
Let's all take a deep breath.
327
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:26,720
And close your eyes.
328
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:31,960
And now try to visualise your anger
329
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:35,200
as a big white ball of light.
330
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,480
That's amazing!
331
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,440
Vanishing at the
first sign of trouble.
332
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,760
She's just like the real police!
333
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:51,440
I don't need you to
interfere with my life,
and I don't need a boyfriend.
334
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:57,840
It's just I see you sat
in that draughty old flat
like some sad old lesbian.
335
00:20:59,160 --> 00:20:59,720
Naked...
336
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,400
Then another lesbian turns up.
337
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:06,040
Asks if she can fix your boiler...
338
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,680
Then the water goes everywhere
and you start playing...
339
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:16,800
I know you're doing this because you
care and you feel guilty about,
you know... Yeah, I do.
340
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,960
I hated the way it ended.
341
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,760
So do I! You know,
I'm fine on my own!
342
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:25,560
You're not lonely?
Course I'm bloody lonely.
343
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:30,680
But sending over ex-boyfriends
and pissheads...
It's condescending.
344
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:36,000
It means talking down to.
345
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,960
Like chatting to a toddler.
346
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,560
It very much is.
347
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,440
So you'll be fine?
Absolutely.
348
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:45,600
Come here then.
349
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:47,120
Come on.
350
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:53,440
Shush, shush, shush.
351
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:56,400
Hepatitis C.
352
00:21:58,240 --> 00:21:59,960
Piers Morgan.
353
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:09,320
So Mrs Keogh, tell me why you
think you'd make good PCSO material.
354
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,080
I look good in an Aran sweater.
355
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:17,000
I love the gays. And I can walk
in time to the music from The Bill.
356
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,400
Right.
357
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:23,080
Sorry, do you actually have any idea
as to what being a PCSO involves?
358
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:27,080
Course I do! We patrol, we give
it the old "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello,"
359
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,040
and we beat the crap out of people.
360
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,400
Mrs Keogh, let me level with you.
361
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:35,520
This role requires someone
with a little more...
362
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,400
Muscle? Sanity.
363
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,080
Oh.
364
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:43,440
I've messed this up, haven't I?
Nothing wrong with your
observational skills, then.
365
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,280
OK, listen, I got mugged.
366
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,720
I was with my baby and
he took my phone, my wallet...
367
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:53,320
I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, the rest of your lot weren't.
368
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:58,120
I just think if I can stop this
happening, just by walking
up and down in a silly hat.
369
00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:02,400
I just don't want my baby or anyone's
baby to grow up in a world where they
370
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,160
have to watch their mum
getting mugged. I see.
371
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,080
And I don't care what I have to do.
372
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:09,480
Even if I can't kick,
punch or fire anything...
373
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,680
Can I kick, punch or fire anything?
No.
374
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,400
Well, I'll do the job anyway.
375
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:18,640
Because I want the world
to be a safer place for my family.
376
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:25,800
Could you explain this brutality
thing? That's something
I might be interested in pursuing.
377
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,320
Ah. The bitch is back.
378
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,400
Zip it, Claypole,
I'm not in the mood.
379
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,480
Let me guess... Still no
baby-daddy for Little Louise?
380
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:43,400
I interviewed everyone.
Even that bloke who hangs around
the bushes buttering his knob.
381
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,560
I interviewed Gaz
and he was too laddy.
382
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:52,400
I interviewed you and you were just
a big old ball of flaming gayness.
383
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:56,840
None taken.
384
00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:01,920
I'll never find anyone good enough
for little Louise. Oh, boo-hoo.
385
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:05,080
You'll manage, just get on with it.
I won't!
386
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,600
I can't get her to sleep,
387
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:11,320
I can't change nappies,
I'm even rubbish at breast-feeding!
388
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:14,080
Louise, how can you be
rubbish at breast-feeding?
389
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:20,400
Because I keep forgetting which
one's skimmed and which one's semi.
390
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:24,360
Well, hooking up with some random
bloke isn't gonna
sort it all out.
391
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,880
I just need help.
392
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,880
No, you need support.
393
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:38,240
And you know what... Here, right
here, you've got something
way more important than a man.
394
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,480
Gin?
395
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,160
Friends. Oh.
396
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,720
Right. Cheers, Tim.
397
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,040
Don't mention it.
398
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,680
I'm always here. For both of you.
399
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:56,080
Listen, I need to powder my nose
and I think she needs changing.
400
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:59,080
Do you mind?
401
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:03,000
You being serious? I've just
manicured. Whoever's next, please?
402
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:08,960
Oh, my God. I'm all alone.
I'm going to have to be...
403
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:10,400
self-reliant.
404
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:12,920
I'm a pleb.
405
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:21,600
And I just think
the time has come for you to
get back up on your own two feet,
406
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:26,440
clean yourself up,
and most importantly
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FLAT!
407
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:28,920
Banjos. Exactly. Desmond Dekker.
408
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,600
Good talk, Big Guy.
409
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,000
Oh. You.
410
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,640
Sorry, you entertaining?
He's just leaving.
411
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,760
Aren't you, Barry? Bff-bff...
412
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:41,000
Ah, sod it, suppose I can't
get away with it forever.
413
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,040
You lying little bastard!
414
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:48,360
Tramps today! They take the piss.
415
00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,400
Although I note they leave
the smell of it behind.
416
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,440
That's me, I've been to Janet's.
417
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,960
Donna, I've come to apologise.
Right, and what's Gaz told you
418
00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:01,320
to do this time - bring me
a bottle of Lambrini
and a copy of Chat magazine?
419
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,680
It's about me moving back to London.
420
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:08,120
Oh, for god's sake! For the last
time, I'm not coming! Why should I?
421
00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,960
Donna, I don't want you
to come and live with me.
422
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,120
I want to come and live with you.
423
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:18,040
What? You're right.
It's time someone did something
special for you.
424
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:22,680
So, for you, I'm moving to Runcorn.
But what about your job?
425
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,960
Well, I was thinking.
My old man's a... Dustman?
426
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:30,240
No, market stall holder.
And I've got the gift of the gab.
427
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,160
'Get your pears'!
428
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:37,680
That's quite amazing.
429
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,600
I know! I'm gonna get a stall.
430
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:43,760
And I'm gonna get the Runcorn
website as my iPhone homepage!
431
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:47,520
Welcome to the matted hair around
the arsehole of the universe!
432
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,040
Thanks, Donna.
433
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:52,720
But if I move in with you, there's
something I want you to do for me.
Anything.
434
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,040
I want you to divorce Gaz.
435
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:01,400
OK. Yeah, OK, I will.
436
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:09,960
OK, here goes.
437
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,200
Gaz, can I have a word?
438
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,960
Hang on... You're back together!
439
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:16,960
Ah, Donna, love,
I'm made up for you.
440
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,680
I want a divorce. You what?
441
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,280
And I want a quick one.
Well, make your mind up!
442
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:31,640
A quick divorce, Gaz. I don't
want to be Mrs Wilkinson any more.
443
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:34,360
Fine.
444
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:37,280
That's great! Lovely!
I'd love a divorce.
445
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:40,280
Thanks, Gaz.
446
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:45,040
Gaz, love, you're white as a sheet.
447
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:47,120
You look like you've
just seen a ghost.
448
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:51,240
I feel like I just have.
449
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:58,760
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello.
450
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:03,000
Gaz, will you teach me the ways
of this town? I just wanna fit in.
451
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,160
Step, step, shimmy!
452
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:06,800
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello.
453
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:09,040
That is totally lesbian chic.
454
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:16,120
My divorce papers have come through.
It's really happening so... Oh.
37397
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