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This programme
contains adult humour.
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00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:05,240
I met someone. He's really great. Oh!
3
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:06,600
I can't leave you.
SHE SIGHS
4
00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:08,400
I'm falling in love with ya.
5
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,760
I don't want Gaz to come to London -
I'm gonna to tell him. Oh!
6
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:15,920
Has Janet told you
I know you don't love me and
I'm having an affair with Janet?
7
00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:19,480
Urrgh!
8
00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:20,560
Oh!
9
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BABY CRIES
10
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:26,760
SHE MOUTHS
11
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GIGGLING
12
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Oh, no.
13
00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:05,200
Don't wanna ruin the romantic mood
with the smell of Jonny's ears.
14
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:06,560
You're a special candle.
15
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:10,320
Yes, you are, yes, you are,
little candle.
16
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Mmm. Mwah.
17
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,760
Eugh.
18
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:17,280
Oh! An inscription.
19
00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:20,120
Oh, no, my mistake,
just a stray pube.
20
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:28,160
Corinthian's down finally,
had to sing him to sleep.
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Aw, you're so good with him.
22
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:31,440
Iron Maiden? Prodigy.
23
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:36,360
Smack me bitch up.
24
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:40,560
THEY LAUGH
25
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,880
Bless him, he's so musically
advanced for a child his age.
26
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,040
I heard him singing.
27
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:48,040
Really? Mmm.
He must be one of them geniuses.
28
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,920
He's like that composer.
The deaf one.
29
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,200
Leppard?
30
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,680
Yeah.
31
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,520
We just have to wait for
the baby-sitter and we can go out.
32
00:01:56,520 --> 00:02:00,280
I thought
we were staying in tonight. Why?
33
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:04,160
Because you said, "Our first night
together as a proper couple.
34
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:05,400
"Ooh, I'm so excited."
35
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:09,280
You finished that
in your head by saying,
"I'm excited to be staying in"?
36
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:13,000
No. I finished it with, "Ooh, I'm so
excited to be mainly staying in,
37
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,440
"but nipping to ASDA -
we're out of bog roll."
38
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,040
What the hell have I just
wiped me arse with?
39
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:24,480
I've no idea, shall I check the
flannels? No, no, it's all right.
40
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,160
Why, what did you use?
Nothing. It was a ghost shit.
41
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,120
Eugh, Gaz!
42
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:32,400
No, it didn't need wiping.
Turned round, it was gone.
43
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,920
SHE LAUGHS
Like a thief in the night.
44
00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:37,360
The brown pimpernel.
45
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:42,400
Aw, Gaz. That's so...horrible.
So, come on,
46
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,400
we can rob some bog roll
from The Archer.
47
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,680
The Archer?
48
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:50,400
We're going for our first night out
as a proper couple to The Archer?
49
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,280
What's the point of that? Unless...
50
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,720
There's no karaoke.
51
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,240
Oh, then what's the point?
52
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:00,600
So people can see us.
53
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,680
Why do you want that?
They see us all the time.
54
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,800
Not together. Making a statement.
55
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:08,480
You know, Janet for Gaz,
Gaz loves Janet.
56
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:11,120
Gaz is 100% fit.
57
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,480
Lick Gaz's bollocks.
58
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:15,440
What kind of statement is that?
59
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,800
That last one was a request.
60
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,760
Gaz, you haven't wiped your arse.
61
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,640
Would you eat in a restaurant
next to a sewage works?
62
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:26,880
Men have to do it all the time.
63
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:30,240
And frankly, Janet, your steak
sometimes is a bit undercooked.
64
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:33,240
Oh! Fine. We'll go out.
65
00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:36,240
I thought when you said, "Together,"
you meant staying in,
66
00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,640
watching telly,
while Corinthian's asleep.
67
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,840
Living the dream there, Janet,
don't over-excite yourself.
68
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:42,920
Euch.
69
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,320
Where do these pubes
keep coming from?
70
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:49,800
They're not ours -
they're stout and taste of feta.
71
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,120
It's like kissing
a Greek grandmother.
72
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:55,240
What time's the baby-sitter coming?
She should be here by now.
73
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:56,720
Who did you get? Rachel?
74
00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:00,080
God, no. Can't stand her.
Got no tits whatsoever.
75
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,880
Corinthian's not used to it.
The poor thing can't help it.
76
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,560
She's got an eating disorder.
77
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:09,200
She's a self-harmer.
And a bit of a druggie.
78
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,960
Shit, why do I keep employing her?
Am I mad?
79
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,040
No, you just think people
deserve a second chance.
80
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:16,120
Mmm.
81
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,600
And she's like three quid an hour,
so...
82
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,560
Who did you get then? Ffiona?
Ffiona with two Fs.
83
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:25,560
What you talking about? Two Fs?
She's a C cup at most.
84
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,960
No, she spells her name
with two Fs.
85
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,880
Fionaf?
86
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,600
What are you talking about? No.
87
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,560
F-F-Fiona.
88
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,320
You can take the piss out
of anorexic Rachel,
89
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,040
but I draw the line at stuttering.
90
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,760
I myself suffered
for a long time with me speech.
91
00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,360
Oh, Gaz, really?
92
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,880
Yup. From the ages of zero to two
I barely said a word.
93
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:50,640
Knobhead.
HE CHUCKLES
94
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,960
My first word was
antidisestablishmentarianism.
95
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:57,920
Was it? Hold on.
No, plop-plop. That was it.
96
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,400
So, who did you get then?
Please don't say my mum.
97
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,840
I hate her seeing me pissed around
the baby. She's so judgmental.
98
00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:06,040
No, I got Shirley.
99
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,520
Who? Shirley.
You know, Bald Shirley.
100
00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:13,480
Bald Shirley, your ex?
101
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,800
How many bald Shirleys do you know?
102
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:18,840
Six, since the power station
had that leak.
103
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:20,840
Yeah, then, that one.
104
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:24,880
Your frigging ex, Gaz?
Well, she was hardly me ex.
105
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:28,680
She was more of a bald woman
I shagged for a bet.
106
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:31,640
I'd heard she'd let you stick it
in her ear, so I thought...
107
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,160
I've always wanted
to get inside a woman's mind.
108
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:40,720
No. No! There is absolutely no way
your ex is looking after my baby.
109
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:42,240
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
110
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:45,000
Our baby. What were you thinking?
111
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,080
That I could have a night out
with my beautiful girlfriend -
112
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,560
show the world how serious
we are about each other.
113
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,080
Oh.
114
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,520
No, no. If you don't trust Bald
Shirley - single mother of six kids,
115
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:58,000
girl guide leader,
home economics teacher -
116
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,640
to look after Corinthian
for a few hours, then, no.
117
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:03,320
I'll phone her and cancel.
Well, fine. Good.
118
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,880
I will.
Well, what are you waiting for?
119
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:10,160
Well... Would you let Donna
look after Corinthian?
120
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:11,600
Well, yeah, course I would.
121
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,320
I did before she moved
to that London. Donna's me ex.
122
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,800
No, that's different. I know Donna.
123
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:20,240
And I know Bald Shirley.
OK, fine, but we both know Donna.
124
00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:23,480
Would you let Harriet
from the bakery look after him?
125
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:26,080
Well, that's different.
126
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:27,840
I don't know this Harriet person.
127
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:31,160
She doesn't have a description
before her name. Who is she to me?
128
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,800
Happy Harriet? Hairy Harriet?
129
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,920
Horny Harriet? Oh.
130
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:38,920
Halitosis Harriet.
She's got a rotten tooth.
131
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,520
Why doesn't she have it out?
132
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,480
It's her only one.
Right there at the front.
SHE LAUGHS
133
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:46,040
Good at opening beans
if you can't find an opener.
134
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,400
But you'd let her
look after Corinthian?
135
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:51,760
Yes, yes, OK, I would, Gaz. Happy?
Not really, no.
136
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,560
But you can see where I'm coming
from, right? I mean...
137
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:58,920
You know, since Jonny died...
Oh, for God's sake!
138
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:02,920
What? Everything you try to get out
of and try to avoid talking about.
139
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:03,960
You just say,
140
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,800
"Since Jonny died..." Oh! I do not!
141
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,320
Yes, you do. "Sorry, officer.
Since Jonny died,
142
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,080
"I feel the need to wee outside
when I'm pissed.
143
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:15,360
"Sorry, Louise, since Jonny died,
I need to borrow a fiver.
144
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:20,120
"Sorry, Gaz, since Jonny died,
I must use him so I can be
a frigging martyr for ever, poor me."
145
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:23,640
Sorry.
146
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,520
I'm sure you are.
147
00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:28,000
No, I mean...it was out of order.
Sorry.
148
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:31,360
It's just...
You know, since Jonny died...
149
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,040
Sorry, Gaz.
150
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,960
It really smarts hearing you
accuse me of using Jonny like that.
151
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,480
Oh, I was just being a dick.
152
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:46,120
Honest to God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
153
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,200
Aww, old Dickhead Gaz.
154
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,320
SHE LAUGHS
Is that what they call me?
155
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,320
No. They don't use Old.
156
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:57,560
What? Gaz is a very common name,
we have to distinguish.
157
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:58,880
What's yours?
158
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,760
Jugs, naturally.
159
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,360
Yeah, I remember me
and Jonny coming up with that.
160
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,240
Jonny wanted to go with the name...
161
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,960
What? It doesn't matter.
162
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,760
No, come on, tell me.
163
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:17,840
What was it? Jaunty Janet?
GI Janet? Jap's eye Janet?
164
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,240
No, it was Jonny's Janet.
165
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:25,120
Shitter.
166
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,520
This isn't going to go away, is it?
No, it's not.
167
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,320
Then I agree, shitter.
168
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,720
SHE SIGHS
I think we should talk this through.
169
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:37,600
We won't have time
before Bald Shirley.
She's not looking after Corinthian!
170
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,160
We're back to this!
Whoop-de-bastard-do!
171
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:41,680
Will you call her and cancel?
172
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,200
We need to talk. Fine.
173
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,240
Fine, I will.
174
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:48,760
What are you waiting for?
175
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,520
I don't technically
have her phone number.
176
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:54,120
So how did you ask her to babysit?
177
00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:57,840
She was throwing up outside Bargain
Booze on Friday - I gave her a lift.
178
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,040
Oh, so she's a drunk too?
179
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:04,040
She wasn't drunk.
She had a projectile stomach bug.
From both ends.
180
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:07,200
I had to give her a carrier bag
to sit on in the van.
181
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:10,520
Oh, my God. The passenger side
doesn't exactly smell of roses.
182
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:14,440
Although you could probably
grow roses in what
she left on the upholstery.
183
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:16,320
Gaz, I've sat there!
184
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,040
I told you not to wear a skirt!
185
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,360
Back of your legs looked like
you had a really bad spray tan.
186
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,160
Oh!
Well, she can't look after a baby.
187
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,200
Not with a bug. Corinthian can
catch all sorts at his age.
188
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,000
Ain't it better we get
his illnesses out the way now?
189
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,720
So his immune system's strong?
190
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,360
Oh, yes, so instead of taking
him for his vaccines,
191
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:38,920
I'll just send him back
to 14th-century London
to eat some syphilitic turds?
192
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:42,040
That's just stupid.
Unless you have a time machine.
193
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:44,560
Do you have a time machine?
No, Gaz. If I had,
194
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,560
we wouldn't be
having this conversation.
195
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:51,080
Oh, yeah, cos we'd be in
the swinging sixties, not using
condoms, and avoiding the war!
196
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:54,120
What war? You know, the war.
Bang, bang.
197
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:57,360
Oh, yes, the bang-bang one
No, Gaz, if I had a time machine,
198
00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,120
we wouldn't be here,
because Jonny'd still be alive.
199
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,720
You'd be with Donna, me with Jonny,
everything normal...
200
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:07,160
What? Nothing.
201
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,560
No, but...what?
Your face has gone all weird.
202
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:12,880
Have you pulled your fly up on
your cock? Shall I get mayonnaise?
203
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:13,920
Yes, Janet, yes.
204
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,280
I'm that disgusting -
I pull my zip up and down
205
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:20,240
at all times of the day
cos I love catching my bell-end
in the metal teeth.
206
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,640
I know you do,
that's why I'm asking.
207
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,600
No, not this time. Hold the mayo.
208
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,360
What, then?
It's just what you said then.
209
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,840
If Jonny wasn't dead,
we wouldn't be together.
210
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,040
Well, would we?
211
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:37,680
Yeah, I reckon so. I don't know! We
slept together while he was alive.
212
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:42,600
Yeah, well, that was a mistake.
A really, hornily amazing mistake.
213
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,760
Shall we do it now? No.
214
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:47,080
Remember the rule! Not while
talking about my dead husband.
215
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,040
Look, Janet, listen, listen, right.
216
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:52,480
I don't like that fact that
it makes me glad that he's dead.
217
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,360
You know? Don't you feel the same?
Don't you love me?
218
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:58,320
Of course I love you.
More than anything.
SHE SIGHS
219
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,080
Then...then... Don't...
220
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:05,280
Don't you agree, in some small way,
you're glad that he's...dead?
221
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:09,600
No, you twat!
222
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,680
What? How could you ask me that?
223
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,720
How could you ask
if I'm glad he's dead?
224
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,320
I'm starting to regret it!
225
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:18,560
I would give anything
for him to be alive.
226
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:21,840
For him still to be alive
for one day, one minute, one second!
227
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,280
What could you do in a second?
It's Jonny.
228
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,040
Oh, yeah.
SHE SIGHS
229
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,040
Oh, this is pointless discussing.
230
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,240
Cool, let's go out.
231
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,760
I mean, the first few months
were the worst.
232
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:34,800
God!
233
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:37,160
I mean... Were they?
234
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,440
I used to wake up
every morning and forget,
235
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:44,360
before the whole pile of wank had
come crashing down around my ears.
236
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:48,360
That's similar to what
Bald Shirley used to say.
237
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:51,720
There's no waking up from this.
There's no, "It was all a dream."
238
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:53,880
He's just...gone.
239
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,360
What if Jonny did come back?
240
00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:01,240
How, exactly? How about it was
a case of mistaken identity?
241
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:04,800
Someone stole his passport, he's
out there, having lost his memory.
242
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,120
Oh, please.
243
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,080
Could have a secret twin brother -
that's who was killed.
244
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:13,120
I don't think so. He could
come back in the shower? Like JR.
245
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,680
Jonathan Ross
didn't come back in the shower.
246
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,960
No, JR from Dallas. No...
247
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,360
JR from London.
248
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:24,080
All right, what if Jonny...
Why are you being a total wanker?
249
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,640
Cos I've just realised
I'm jealous of a dead man.
250
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,440
What do you want me to do?
There's nothing you can do.
251
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,200
Oh, come on. I want this to work.
252
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:34,920
It can't, if you're in love with
your husband. He's dead. I love you.
253
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,640
And him? No...no, Gaz,
I was with Jonny for six years.
254
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:40,760
You can't still be in love
for that long.
255
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,480
Really? Really.
256
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,680
So how long have I got? Till when?
257
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,680
Until you fall out of love with me.
258
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,520
Oh, you've got a couple
of years left yet.
259
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:55,280
A couple of years! Well... three.
260
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:56,800
And then what?
261
00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,680
Then it'll be more like
brother and sister. Oh, my God.
262
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:05,560
Hold on. No, Gaz.
263
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,400
Not like the twins in
Oh, Brother, Go Arse Now.
264
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,520
So what happens then?
265
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,240
Well, first the sex
falls away a bit.
266
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,000
Wh-wh-what exactly falls away?
267
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,880
Cos a prolapsed uterus
might just put me off my stroke.
268
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:22,120
Nothing falls out or off.
You just stop having it as much.
269
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,200
How much? Precisely how much?
270
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,880
I don't know, like...twice a week.
Twice a week!
271
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:30,920
Gaz, you didn't think we could
keep this level up for ever,
272
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,960
my clitoris would sand off.
273
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:34,520
That was my ultimate goal.
274
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,760
If it wasn't there, I wouldn't have
to give it so much attention.
275
00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,080
So, where'd be the fun for me, then?
276
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,000
My happiness would be reward enough.
277
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,440
Look at this grateful smile.
278
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:49,280
See? Isn't this a face
you'd like to use as a chair?
279
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,720
I'd like to stand on it
to change light bulbs, yes.
280
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,520
You and Donna were together ages.
281
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,640
Surely you weren't
at it like rabbits.
282
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:59,080
Course we were. Night and day.
Till the end...
283
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,440
HE GROANS
284
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,720
Bollocks.
285
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,920
So you were sleeping with us both?
286
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,120
Where's Bald Shirley?
287
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,520
I'll nip to Bargain Booze,
see if she's there.
288
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,320
Sometimes she falls in a skip. Gaz.
289
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:17,560
When you say sleeping together,
that's a whole shitload of meaning,
isn't it?
290
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:18,640
Because...
291
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:22,320
We lived together, so of course we
slept together - when we were tired.
292
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,320
Were you sleeping together
like rabbits?
293
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,880
Were you dozing
like the cast of Skins?
294
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:31,600
Were you off to dreamy bye-byes
like Viagra-soaked dolphins?
295
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:33,280
Dolphins?
296
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,880
Yes, they're the only animal other
than humans to have sex for fun.
297
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:40,200
Really? Cos I've been to the zoo
and them tiny little monkeys
298
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,640
look pretty bloody pleased
with themselves.
299
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:46,040
You're changing the subject.
You brought up dolphins!
300
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:49,960
Hey, do you remember Flipper? Right,
do you think he had sex for fun?
301
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,360
You think his relationship
with that teenage boy was platonic?
302
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,560
SHE SIGHS
Gaz. If that's true,
that was a sinister show.
303
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,640
Gaz! Were you sleeping with Donna
when we got together?
304
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,080
No.
305
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,320
Really? Yeah.
306
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,760
Yes, you were, or yes, you weren't?
307
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:08,440
Weren't what?
308
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,120
Sleeping together.
309
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:11,480
When?
310
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,440
When what? Ahh!
You're just trying to confuse me!
311
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:18,400
It's better than admitting
I was still banging Donna...
312
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,920
Oooh.
313
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,240
Bollocks.
314
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:25,600
How dare she sleep with you while
I was secretly sleeping with you?
315
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:26,640
I'll kill her.
316
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,840
Right. Now you know how she felt.
317
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,320
Fine, I'll kill you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
318
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,600
I didn't want to arouse suspicion.
319
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:38,080
It was hard enough having
three showers a day to get
the various juices off me thighs.
320
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:42,320
Three? Me, Donna...
Who was the other one for?
321
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,640
That one was just for me.
322
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,760
Men cannot just live by head alone.
Mmm.
323
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,280
You really had your cake
and ate it, didn't you?
324
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,520
Nearly gave myself lockjaw
in the process.
325
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:55,040
I can't believe
you would do this to me!
326
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,800
Well, as I recall,
you did it right back to me, Janet.
327
00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:01,000
There wasn't so much of,
"Since Jonny died," then, was there?
328
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:05,480
"Since Jonny died,
I've been so lonely I've seduced
my friend's boyfriend." How dare you?
329
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,040
"Since Jonny died,
I've not shaved my legs much."
330
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:09,680
I've always done that! Really?
331
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:13,080
You might want to look at that -
it's like sleeping with Abdul.
332
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:16,440
Makes a change from Bald Shirley,
I suppose.
333
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:19,560
Yeah, when she was naked,
she looked like a fat-titted baby.
334
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,800
I'm going to check on Corinthian.
335
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,160
Don't worry about it,
he's not got fat tits.
336
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:26,720
I need to check on my baby!
337
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,080
Because he's all I've got.
338
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:34,760
Shit bags!
339
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:40,800
SMASHING
340
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:46,440
What was that? What?
341
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,120
I heard the sound of earwax
hitting plasterboard.
342
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,840
You didn't. Tell me you didn't.
343
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,840
All right, I didn't. You did!
344
00:16:56,840 --> 00:17:00,920
SHE CRIES
Well, I was angry. Who hasn't thrown
a dog turd at a wall in anger?
345
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,000
This is no dog turd!
Don't be disgusting.
346
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,960
It was years of Jonny's
waxy build-up.
347
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,120
Well, that's pleasant
348
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:12,080
It was for Corinthian's wedding!
Corinthian's getting married?
349
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,120
One day he will be!
350
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:16,560
He'll never have a special candle
from his daddy. I'll make him one!
351
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,400
My ears are filthy.
352
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:19,880
It won't be the same.
353
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,880
No, no, honest to God, it will.
354
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:25,440
Once, I had them syringed,
and a cricket fell out.
355
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:27,400
Sure it wasn't your stupid brain?
356
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,840
Not completely, no.
357
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,560
The one thing I had left of him,
and you broke it!
358
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,920
SHE SOBS
359
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,520
Stupid silent cushions.
360
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,280
Stupid silent scary goblin.
361
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:53,560
DOOR SLAMS
362
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,280
DOOR SLAMS
363
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,680
All right?
364
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,360
Thought you'd gone out.
365
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:05,800
No.
366
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:09,120
Well, I heard the door slam.
I was showing how pissed off I am.
367
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,840
That's a good idea
with a baby sleeping upstairs
368
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,200
Let's all make noises
to show how we feel, eh?
369
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,320
Shitty, arse, bollocks!
370
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,240
Shush, Gaz. You'll wake Corinthian.
371
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:21,360
Why would I care about
keeping quiet for YOUR baby, eh?
372
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,800
Wanky-wanky-wank, twat! Language!
373
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,880
You want his first sentence
to be wanky-wanky-wank, twat?
374
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,440
To be fair,
that'd be a pretty impressive
bunch of sounds for a baby.
375
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,440
But no, I don't care what
YOUR baby's first words are.
376
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:37,160
He's not just my baby. No, he's
not. He's Jonny's too, isn't he?
377
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,640
I destroyed his only memory of him -
a frigging mouldy lump of earwax.
378
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:45,200
Won't Corinthian be pissed off
he didn't have a dead man's
bodily fluids at his wedding?
379
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,200
He'd want something of Jonny there.
380
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,960
Everything is of Jonny in here. Look!
This photo album! Full of him!
381
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,120
CD rack full of soft rock is his!
382
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:55,200
This bra!
383
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,960
That's mine. Are you sure?
384
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,280
Oh, no, no, you're right,
that's his.
385
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,560
His head!
386
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:08,240
You kept his head.
It was his best bit!
387
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:09,760
The bit with the kisses.
388
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,760
Everything is frigging Jonny Keogh.
389
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,440
He's haunting us.
390
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,600
If you can't let him go,
we can't move on.
391
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,000
He's dead!
392
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,280
SHE SIGHS
Oh.
393
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:24,880
Look, we're just...
We're going round in circles.
394
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,720
SHE SIGHS
I don't know what to do.
395
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,560
Neither do I.
396
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,000
Do you...
397
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,760
Do you want to split up?
398
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:39,080
No, no, I don't want to split up.
Well, neither do I,
399
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:41,680
but we don't seem to be able
to get past this.
400
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,720
We need to argue
like me and Donna used to.
401
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,880
Do we? It worked for us.
402
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,960
Me and Jonny hardly ever rowed.
403
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,680
And look where that got him.
404
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:54,640
OK, what did you
and Donna used to do?
405
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:58,080
Well, she'd sort of shout at me
a bit for being stupid.
406
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,560
I'd be incredibly sexy.
In the morning,
407
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,560
it was all forgotten about,
and time to change the sheets.
408
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,840
Donna used to piss the bed?
409
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,200
Only when I asked her.
410
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,280
Oh, by the way, golden showers -
411
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,320
don't eat asparagus beforehand.
412
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:18,560
See, asparagus!
Donna was so much posher than me.
413
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,120
Or Berocca.
414
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,800
In the dark, it's like
being attacked by laser beams.
415
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,000
OK. Come on, let's try.
416
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,680
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
OK.
417
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:30,720
I'll be Donna, you be you,
we'll have a big shouty row,
418
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,320
and then, it'll all be fine.
419
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,480
You go. You go. OK.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
420
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:38,360
I can't believe you, Gaz,
how could you do this to me?
421
00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:40,480
You make me sick!
I'm off to that London.
422
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:45,320
How was that?
423
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:49,680
It was like she was in the room,
but you just don't look like her.
424
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:53,320
Oh. OK, get me my bag. Yup.
425
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,880
I can't believe I trusted you
with my best friend!
426
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,600
You vile little arsehole!
427
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:08,040
I don't have time for this...erm...
So you can keep your bloody...erm...
428
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,320
Porn, usually.
429
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:13,720
Porn...cos I'm going!
And you'll never see me ever again!
430
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,320
All right.
431
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,480
It's all right, you can go.
Won't stay away for long.
432
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,360
Women can't resist my old sex aura.
433
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,480
When do you start being sexy?
434
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,040
That was it. What, seriously?
435
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,320
Donna used to actually
like you doing that?
436
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:32,720
Maybe I'm a bit rusty.
437
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:37,360
No, I thought it was a nervous tick.
What was with the eyebrow?
438
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:38,520
Donna did like that,
439
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:41,560
and if you can't see it,
there's something wrong with you.
440
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:42,960
No, seriously. Donna?
441
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,880
All right, no, it didn't work.
442
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,680
Women are so complicated.
443
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,600
Aw, Gaz.
444
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,160
HE SIGHS
445
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:53,800
How did you and Jonny make up?
446
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:57,400
I know you sometimes fell out. I used
to have to listen to him in the pub.
447
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,160
Oh, what did he say?
448
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:02,440
Well, you know...
He'd sort of cry a bit.
449
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,400
I'd cuddle him
till the tears stopped coming,
450
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,560
and maybe sing to him a little bit.
451
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,160
God, I miss that man.
452
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,040
Hmm. He used to always
come back quite horny.
453
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:15,800
Eugh!
454
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,160
But we did always make up,
you're right.
455
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,600
And it always started with food.
OK, right...
456
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,560
Stay there.
457
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:28,440
Oi, if you're changing into that
pasty bikini, it's probably gone off.
458
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:29,640
Bagsy not the gusset.
459
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,160
No, no!
460
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,800
Biscuits! Ta-da!
461
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,880
What am I supposed to do with these?
462
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:39,680
Eat them - make you feel better.
Didn't work for Eamonn Holmes.
SHE LAUGHS
463
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:40,720
Just try it.
464
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:44,160
Sacrilege!
465
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,200
What?
466
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,880
You must complete the first level
before progressing to the second!
467
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:51,600
Janet, this isn't Tomb Raider.
468
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,440
No, it's...
469
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,960
Tin Raider!
470
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,600
You two were such sad twats.
471
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,800
I bet you're feeling better,
though, right? No.
472
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:04,800
Erm... Would milk help?
473
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,600
What part of me would you be milking?
474
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,200
No, a glass of milk.
475
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,600
I don't think
I could produce that much!
476
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:16,760
Why don't we put Sex And The City
on? No, I hate that film.
477
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:20,640
Sex Up The Shitter,
on the other hand...
478
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:25,440
OK. How about this?
Oh, this is interesting. Yeah!
479
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,760
This is useless. We're never
going to get past this. No, we can!
480
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:32,160
The path's clear.
Come on, carry on!
481
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:33,200
Oh, my.
482
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,240
CORINTHIAN CRIES
483
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:39,880
I should...erm... Yeah.
484
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:42,800
Why don't you go and attend
to your baby, eh?
485
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:46,480
I don't know why
you're being so cruel, Gaz.
486
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,680
You're like a dad to Corinthian.
487
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:55,800
I am his dad.
488
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:03,080
You might be dead,
but you're not buried.
489
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:11,200
I'm sorry, pal. I have to do it.
I have to tell her.
490
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:15,040
Gaz! Me and Corinthian
have been talking.
491
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:16,640
Janet, me first. Listen...
492
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,320
I need to tell you something.
Gaz, let me finish.
493
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:22,760
He made some very trenchant points
and was quite insistent.
494
00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:24,160
What did he say?
495
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:27,000
Hello, Gaz.
496
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,400
Hello, Corinthian.
497
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,640
I've been talking to Mummy.
498
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:33,800
And in my opinion...
499
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:35,440
she was a bit insensitive to you.
500
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,400
She knows how good you are with me,
501
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,440
we have a right good laugh.
502
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,960
Yeah... Remember when
I put vodka on your dummy
503
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,600
cos you wouldn't stop whining?
504
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:45,040
What?
505
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:47,520
This is a private conversation.
Do you mind?
506
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:49,040
Sorry.
507
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:53,360
Anyway, as I was saying,
before I was so rudely interrupted,
508
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,000
I miss my daddy.
509
00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:00,760
Yeah, I miss him too.
510
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,720
But then, I've known you
a bit longer, so, you know...
511
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:07,120
You know what? Eh? Eh?
512
00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:09,480
Come on, then.
513
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,680
Come on, what's up with you?
514
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,480
You do know that was actually
me speaking, don't you?
515
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:24,560
So, go on,
what did Corinthian want to tell me?
516
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:29,400
Well, he was quite dramatic, he used
some big words I didn't understand,
517
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:30,760
but I think I got the gist.
518
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,840
What's a gist?
519
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,840
He said he'd always love J...
520
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,400
He'd always love his daddy.
521
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,360
And he'd like to be able
to remember him from time to time,
522
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:45,480
through people who knew him best -
his wife, his best friend.
523
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:48,400
Demanding little beggar,
isn't he, eh?
524
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:49,920
Very.
525
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:53,400
He said it was very important
to talk about his daddy.
526
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:54,840
And to keep mementoes,
527
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:57,960
though he agreed that the candle
was frigging disgusting.
528
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:00,440
You really did marry a tramp
there, Janet.
529
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:03,240
And he said that as he grew older,
530
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,440
he'd come to think
of you as his dad.
531
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,960
Prattles on, doesn't he, eh?
Is he drunk again?
532
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:13,440
He'd like you to be his father.
533
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,240
He thinks Jonny was OK, but...
534
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:19,280
What you trying to say?
535
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:22,160
Me? I'm not saying anything,
this is all Corinthian.
536
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:26,560
Excuse me if I paraphrase. Go on.
537
00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:29,800
He'd like you to have
the rights of a biological father.
538
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,760
He wants you to apply to the courts
for parental responsibility.
539
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,760
This is what I'm... He said
if you don't say yes, he'll cry.
540
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:38,880
Like this - I quote -
541
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:40,640
"Wah!"
542
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:45,640
Course I will.
Course I'll be his dad.
543
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,760
And we'll be a proper family?
We'll be a proper family, yeah.
544
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,800
BOTH LAUGH HAPPILY
545
00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:55,520
See?
546
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:58,280
We found our own way of
dealing with an argument, eh?
547
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:03,080
We did. No...shouting, no sex, or...
548
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,680
..you know, comfort eating,
or crying.
549
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:10,320
We used our child to avoid
talking to each other face-to-face!
550
00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,880
We're like a proper couple.
551
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,000
You just said, "Our child."
552
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,640
I did.
553
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:21,840
Come on, let's just go to bed.
554
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:26,600
KNOCK AT DOOR
555
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:29,120
Bald Shirley!
556
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,520
Why are you dressed like that?
557
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:37,960
Is it laundry day?
558
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:40,200
Off to court -
I'm trying to look responsible.
559
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,760
This is really hard for me to say,
but you're a terrible mother.
560
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:45,680
Oh!
I'm trying to be the best dad.
561
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:49,200
By asking men to sit on your lap,
and play with your balls?
562
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:50,840
How are things with Wesley?
563
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:54,760
Oh, he's funny and considerate
and he's got an iPhone!
564
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:56,400
She needs a cuddle.
565
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,840
I just can't, all right?
566
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,280
This is Wesley,
my boyfriend from London.
567
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,600
Sweet, I'll have a bottle of lager.
568
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:04,680
Oh!
569
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:08,000
If you're not 100% happy
in that London, talk to him.
44326
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