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1
00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:03,320
Baby time!
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00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:04,720
I need you, Gaz Wilkinson.
3
00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,560
Eh, come here.
4
00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:09,600
All right.
I'll always be here for you.
5
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:11,640
Do you swear? Yeah.
6
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:12,760
I love you.
7
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,640
DOOR OPENS
8
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I got the job.
9
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:24,720
Get your bowler hat on, Gaz,
we're moving to London.
10
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:29,240
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
11
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with bubbles in it
12
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handle anything stronger now
13
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LONDON!
14
00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,920
Why are you screaming that at us?
15
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Well?
16
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Aren't you going to say anything?
17
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You just said we're going
to live in London.
18
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,840
All I can think of to say is
wha-ha-wha-ha?
19
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:11,160
I'm really pleased for you Donna.
You deserve a break.
20
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Of your neck!
21
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:15,280
I can't go and live in that London.
22
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I am putting my foot down.
You're my wife and what I say goes.
23
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:21,080
Gaz. When has it ever,
ever been that way?
24
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Once.
25
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:25,400
And it was my birthday.
Was I wrong?
26
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,840
Yes, you were!
27
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:29,120
I finally experienced
female ejaculation
28
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only it fell out of my
arse seven hours later.
29
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,200
That's one curry house
we can never go back to.
30
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,920
Gaz you have to make
sacrifices in a marriage.
31
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:42,720
She's asking me to move 200 miles
away from my family and friends!
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To a multicultural urban environment!
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I'm a Runcornian.
They don't have them in London.
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And I've heard they don't have beer.
35
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They have wine.
36
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,760
We leave at the end of the week,
Gaz. I'll be at home, packing.
37
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,520
She didn't even say goodbye.
38
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Yeah, well they don't in that London.
39
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They say "ffthvvee".
40
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:05,840
Well, this is fate, Gaz.
41
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It's for the best.
42
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I can't leave you.
43
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I'm falling in love with you.
44
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I live here now, don't I?
45
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I keep doing that!
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Ah!
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I had no idea a woman
could know those words.
48
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What is a cock fanny fart shite?
49
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:35,440
You didn't know we had vaginas
until ten minutes ago.
50
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I did!
51
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:38,640
I just thought they'd
be loads prettier.
52
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,840
That stuff you've got
down there is a mess.
53
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:46,720
Its like something you've cut
out of a squirrel's tummy.
54
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Munch.
You need to phone an ambulance!
55
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I want a C-section.
56
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,600
You've only been in labour
for 16 hours.
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It takes at least three days.
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00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,480
Listen to me, inbred.
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00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,280
I want a caesarean section
and if I don't get one
60
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,920
I'll never be able to make fun of
those prolapsed uterus women again.
61
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:05,480
And I am not giving up
my favourite hobby.
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I've got a prolapsed uterus...
63
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,680
No, no, I've got
a prolapsed bowel.
64
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:14,280
No, hang on, no,
I've got an inflamed bowel.
65
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,360
No, that's not right...
66
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I have a cardigan. That's it.
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Ah!
68
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Gaz, I'm throwing out
your animal porn.
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This is the antelope-based stuff.
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00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:35,120
I'll go through beavers to zebras
when I get home from work.
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00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,960
Leave beavers.
72
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:39,920
See you later, Janet.
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00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,960
What do you mean you're
falling in love with me?!
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00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,080
I mean I'm falling in love...
Don't say it!
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00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:46,720
She doesn't love me, you know.
76
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,880
She's always known she was
too good for me.
77
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,760
You're just saying this so you
don't have to go to London.
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00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:55,160
It's not so bad. I went there on
a trip to see Phantom of the Opera.
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They give you real juice in a box.
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00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,840
And I saw loads of pigeons.
I saw at least seven.
81
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:04,360
One had a little club foot, all bent
over like that, it was wonderful.
82
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,520
I want to stay here
with you and Corinthian.
83
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,080
Gaz, he's not yours! OK?!
84
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:16,080
I know. But just because someone
belongs to someone else doesn't
stop you loving them, does it?
85
00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,200
Janet?
86
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,440
I don't love you.
87
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:21,480
You do.
88
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I don't.
89
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,200
I was just confused, and lonely...
90
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,040
and really, really horny.
91
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,280
I could never love you
in a million years.
92
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,160
I am still in love with my husband.
93
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:35,400
Which some might class as
necrophilia, but I think it's cute.
94
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,120
How would you feel if
you never saw me again?
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Ee! Wouldn't care.
96
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:43,360
Janet, I've never
felt like this about anyone.
97
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:46,840
Not even Boris Johnson and she's fit.
98
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,000
Well, I don't feel
the same about you, Gaz.
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00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,480
You need to go with your wife.
It's for the best.
100
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:54,320
OK. I will. I'll go to London.
101
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SHE SQUEAKS
It's for the best. Bye, Janet.
102
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,840
No, Gaz, wait! Yeah?
103
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:01,560
She's not too good for you.
104
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:02,600
No-one could be.
105
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,920
It just...it just looks like that
cos I'm too bad for you.
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HE SQUEAKS
107
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Bye.
108
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,480
Bye. Bye.
109
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,840
Bye. Bye.
110
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:18,000
Bye.
111
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:19,880
Bye.
112
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Is this getting awkward?
113
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I don't seem to be able to remove
my arms from round you.
114
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I live here now, don't I?
115
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I keep doing that.
116
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Tim!
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I got that job.
I'm moving to that London.
118
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,400
Oh, no! Well, London's
got nothing on Runcorn.
119
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You know, except for culture, the
nightlife and the ethnic diversity.
120
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,960
And those crazy-footed pigeons!
121
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,600
I've been. It's amazing.
I had a panini.
122
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:10,880
Oh, what's a panini?
123
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,640
Well, it's a toastie.
But it's got rocket in it!
124
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,960
Then why so glum, big bum?
125
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,960
If I tell you something, do you
promise not to tell anyone?
126
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,000
I am the soul of discretion.
127
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,680
I've kept many things in the
closet for much of my life.
128
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Ask my wife Helena.
129
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,160
It's too horrible to say out loud.
130
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,400
Just take a deep breath
and let it out.
131
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,200
Nothing you say can shock me.
132
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:39,560
I don't want Gaz to come to London,
and I'll have to tell him. Ah!
133
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:44,800
Where's my bloody ambulance,
you spindly post?
134
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:49,040
I phoned them, they said not to
panic, your water only just broke.
135
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,720
Idiots! Don't they know who I am?
136
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,560
Take me to the private hospital
in Warrington.
137
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Have you paid?
138
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No, of course I haven't paid.
139
00:06:56,320 --> 00:07:01,440
But they won't turn me away when
I've got a baby's head
hanging out of my knickers!
140
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,320
Get a move on!
141
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:06,960
What are you doing?
142
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,080
Well, you have to carry me.
143
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,040
Oh, put some welly into it.
144
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:14,560
I'm not allowed wellies.
145
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,920
I drowned a kitten in one once
on Bonfire Night.
146
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:21,880
The RSPCA said it's dangerous for
me to be around rubber footwear.
147
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:23,840
They gave me a sticker!
148
00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:29,560
Hello, wife.
I'll have a pint, please.
149
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,360
What you got there?
150
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:35,160
Oh, it's Koala bears
in compromising positions.
151
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,680
Oi! You're not having this.
152
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,200
This is for our first-born.
153
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I need to tell you something.
154
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,720
No, I need to tell you something.
155
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:47,200
You go first. Cos what I have to
tell you is both grave and sinister
156
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,760
and may ruin your life. Forever.
157
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,000
Cool.
158
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,840
I just wanted to say I'm proud of
you, of everything you've achieved.
159
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:59,240
You've gone from a mealy-mouthed,
badly dressed,
160
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,040
shouty little angry-faced...
161
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,320
I get it Gaz.
162
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,720
You know, you've made
a success of your life.
163
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,280
And I'm so proud of the way
you've achieved your ambitions.
164
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:13,240
Because of you, we're starting
a new life in a new place, together.
165
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,360
OK. What were you going to say?
166
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,080
Well...
there are rumours that they're...
167
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,640
discontinuing Quavers.
168
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,480
I'm disappointed, but
I wouldn't say my life is ruined.
169
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:27,920
Thanks for the heads up.
170
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:29,880
She doesn't know me at all.
171
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,080
It's Monster Munch I love.
172
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,200
So you didn't tell him?
173
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:40,600
How could I? He's looking forward
to moving. I can't break his heart.
I'm not like that.
174
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,160
So you'll stay trapped in
a loveless marriage.
175
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,320
How Diana .
176
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:48,600
How Tom Cruise .
177
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:49,760
Tom Cruise is alive.
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00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,120
Not to me, he isn't.
179
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,280
Look Tim, there's something else.
180
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:55,600
In London...
181
00:08:56,560 --> 00:09:00,080
..I met someone. He's great.
I mean really, really great.
182
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:01,840
Ah!
183
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,040
Asthma.
184
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,760
BABY CRIES
185
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,560
Please don't cry, Corinthian.
186
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,160
Look here...
187
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:14,080
Have a pastie. It's your favourite.
188
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:15,560
Chilli.
189
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:19,800
Ow!
190
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:24,840
You could have smudged my
lip gloss, you irksome Fraggle.
191
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,240
What's going on?
192
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:29,720
She said she needed to be somewhere
posh. So she could have her baby.
193
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,960
From her "vagina".
194
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,680
That's my word of the day!
195
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:35,640
That and "ubiquitous".
196
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:40,400
"Today, Louise's vagina,
is ubiquitous."
197
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,160
Well, I don't want it here!
I'm busy.
198
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,280
Being sad.
199
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,920
I was looking for Mr Wilkinson.
200
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,040
Who is not ubiquitous,
201
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,440
or a vagina.
202
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:52,200
Why do you need Gaz?
203
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,840
I always feel safe around him.
204
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:56,640
His big strong arms.
His manly chest.
205
00:09:56,640 --> 00:10:00,000
Sometimes just breaking into
his house and watching him sleep
206
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,040
can make the voices stop.
207
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,040
I know.
208
00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:08,400
Sometimes I pretend
my pillow is him and I kiss it.
209
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,200
Me too! Only I don't have a pillow.
210
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,200
I have hay.
211
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:17,680
Sometimes pillow Gaz tells me
that Donna was killed in
a terrible helicopter crash
212
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:21,120
and I comfort pillow Gaz until
he succumbs to my comforting and...
213
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,440
then I rub on him a little bit.
214
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:27,640
Excuse me!
215
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:31,000
While you've been verbally
wanking into the breeze
216
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,600
I've been sat here dilating.
217
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,480
Now this baby is coming
and I need your help!
218
00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:41,360
Oh... I didn't realise
you were actually in labour!
219
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,640
OK, takes forever, hurts like hell.
220
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,840
I've got to stop Gaz.
Look after Corinthian.
221
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:49,840
Oh, well. It looks like
it's just me and you again.
222
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:53,240
Oh, good. I'm completely thrilled.
223
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,840
Observe my face
for signs of utter elation.
224
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,280
No, it's good!
Because we've got an expert here now.
225
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:04,800
Now, sir, tell us how you
escaped from the vagina.
226
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:09,840
Oh, come on. Tell me about it.
How did you meet?
227
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,480
Well, here's a funny story.
228
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,160
We both reached for the same
Twix at the train station!
229
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,480
Now that is a funny story.
230
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,520
And me and Wesley were both
waiting for the same train...
231
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,360
Wesley...
232
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,800
Wait. Wesley Snipes?
233
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,640
No.
234
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,600
Wesley!
235
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:42,000
And we kept bumping into each
other around the station,
236
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,280
on account of the fact
that I was following him.
237
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,480
So we decided to have a coffee.
238
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:50,000
And then we sat with
each other on the way up.
239
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,200
And we talked the whole time.
He's been texting me ever since.
240
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,120
A little question. He's straight.
241
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,040
Not that, but thanks for sharing.
242
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,520
Oh.
243
00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:00,560
Did he not see
the ring on your finger?
244
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,640
Could he not see you were married?
245
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,520
Well...I...kind of, took it off
as soon as I saw him.
246
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,080
Donna!
247
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:10,000
Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna.
248
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,680
Don don diddly wonna don...
249
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:13,720
I know.
250
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,360
But you know when you just know?
251
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,760
And you didn't "just know" with Gaz?
252
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:19,840
To be honest,
I did love him...I do...
253
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:23,200
but from the very beginning,
I always assumed we'd just split up.
254
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,600
God, I'm a bitch, aren't I? Yeah.
255
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,040
It's a nightmare.
256
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,920
MOBILE BEEPS
257
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,960
No! No Donna. You have
to save your marriage.
258
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,080
Delete. What did he say?
259
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,280
That wasn't him.
That was a sim update.
260
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:41,760
But even they're funny
with Wesley is in the world.
261
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,280
Wesley!
262
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,160
I'm so sorry. I had to see you.
263
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,040
Pillow Gaz is too damp.
264
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,120
Eh?
265
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,080
Nothing.
266
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:01,320
I'm really glad
you asked me to meet you.
267
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:05,000
Me too. So...what are
you going to tell Donna?
268
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,400
What? About us? What are you going
to tell her? You mustn't be cruel.
269
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:12,240
Janet, I'm still going to London. I
just wanted to say goodbye properly.
270
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,400
With my knob.
271
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:20,000
But, no, you can't! What about this?
What about what we've got?
272
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,600
Janet, I'm married.
I can't just throw that away.
273
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:26,200
I made a commitment in front of
a lawyer. Which is the same as God.
274
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,640
Only they can actually
take half your money.
275
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,040
But...I need you.
276
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,720
And this...this is right.
277
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,920
I'm sorry, Janet. I can't do it.
278
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,520
You bastard.
279
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:42,080
You cheat on Donna, and tell me you
love me. What kind of a man are you?
280
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,240
A selfish one.
281
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,360
A selfish, horrible, gorgeous man.
282
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:51,360
I feel really guilty. But I've got
a chance now to put things right.
283
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:53,840
And that means not seeing you
ever again. So...
284
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,840
Let's just have some
raw animal goodbye sex and I'll go.
285
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,840
By the way,
I hate long goodbyes so...
286
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,480
No!
287
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,680
Look, I need you. Corinthian
needs you. You can't leave us.
288
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,680
Stop it, Janet.
You're making it harder.
289
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,960
Oh, you get turned on by anything.
290
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,960
I shouldn't have come. Sorry.
291
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,840
Yeah, you really
don't do long goodbyes.
292
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,920
I have to go with my wife.
293
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:22,440
Not if I tell her, you won't.
294
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:23,960
You wouldn't.
295
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,160
Watch me.
296
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,880
What are you doing?
You told me to watch you.
297
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,040
Are you going to dance for me?
298
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:40,120
No. I'm going straight to
The Archer to tell your wife
299
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,960
just what her
husband's been up to.
300
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,680
The contractions are
really close together now.
301
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,680
I really think we should
get to the hospital.
302
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,960
Louise, it's pronounced hospikal.
303
00:14:55,960 --> 00:15:00,800
You've had two in the last hour.
They said to roll you in when
you were ten minutes apart.
304
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:05,440
I'm sure trained medics
didn't use the term "roll her in."
305
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,800
No, but it'd be fun to try.
306
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,200
You're shaped like a sparrow.
307
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,320
OH, MY GOD!
308
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,600
Another one?!
309
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,720
Well, duh!
310
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:19,240
I'm not a welder, I'm a mechanic.
311
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:22,320
Just get me to the pub.
My friends will help me.
312
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:23,560
How?! You're massive.
313
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:24,920
And little. Oh!
314
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,080
You're an "oxymoron"!
315
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,400
With your ubiquitous vagina.
316
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,840
Look, just... Move dead Jonny.
317
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,160
No, take him off his casters.
318
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:40,960
You can drag me to the pub.
319
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,400
Oh, Wesley. You shouldn't have...
320
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:54,680
He sent me a rose,
321
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,520
made of punctuation.
322
00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,840
Donna, I've had opportunities
to cheat on Mrs Claypole.
323
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:03,000
Many, many times.
324
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:07,160
But no matter what park
or public restroom I came across
these opportunities in,
325
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,400
I said no. No, Timothy.
326
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,360
Because it only leads to heartache.
327
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,040
And arse-ache.
328
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,160
But you're right.
I'll delete his number. There.
329
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:22,440
Oh, no! I pressed dial
by accident. Silly me.
330
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,280
Hello, Wesley? Yeah I've been
thinking about you too.
331
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,440
Tim. Where's Donna?
I need to speak to her.
332
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:29,280
Er...she's on the phone.
333
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,560
To a man. That's right, a man.
Oh, you've broken me!
334
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,640
Damn you and your sophisticated
interrogation methods.
335
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,000
She's having an affair!
An affair! Happy now?
336
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,280
Wesley wants to meet up!
337
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:43,440
Hi, Janet.
338
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,920
Sorry. Wesley?
339
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:56,120
Come on! Faster. Mush!
340
00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,760
So you're cheating on Gaz?
I haven't done anything.
341
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,600
How could you, Donna?
342
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,280
I haven't even kissed Wesley.
343
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,680
Sorry, Wesley.
344
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,040
I just do not see the comedy
in that name.
345
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,320
I think it's a nice name.
346
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,040
Reminds me of weasels.
347
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,440
You know they're
my favourite rodent.
348
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:18,880
You said I was your favourite rodent.
349
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:22,800
Even if you haven't done anything
physical, it's emotional cheating.
350
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,720
What's emotional cheating?
351
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,640
Where you fancy someone else
and meet them for coffee
352
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:31,080
and don't tell your partner about
it, cos you know you're guilty.
353
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:34,400
That's called working in an office.
354
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,640
If you loved Gaz,
you wouldn't be doing this.
355
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,800
How'd you get here before me?
356
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:45,200
I only stopped for six
or seven pints at the Mayhew.
It's not like women can run.
357
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,800
Gaz, we need to talk. How could you?
358
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,520
I didn't do anything.
359
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,440
Right. Sorry, what?
360
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:52,760
What?
361
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,400
What's going on?
What do people know and not know?
362
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:56,840
About what? For example...
363
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,560
Has Janet just told you that
I know you don't love me
364
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,920
and that I'm having
an affair with Janet.
365
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:06,920
No. I haven't.
366
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,080
Oh...
367
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:13,800
Hoo...
368
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:17,080
How's the packing coming along?
369
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,000
Eh, fancy a pint?
370
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,200
Yes.
371
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,440
So that's...um...
372
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:23,800
That's one for you.
373
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:29,520
And that's one for you.
374
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,560
I'm in labour! Help!
375
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,560
I am so glad I work here.
376
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,120
Donna! Donna, look we need to talk.
377
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:46,440
Donna, I am so sorry.
378
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:49,120
Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, talk, then.
379
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:50,680
What is it you think you can say
380
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,600
to make this adorable
situation any cosier?
381
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:57,600
Do frigging tell me,
you pair of bastards!
382
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,000
What's a cun?
383
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,680
You are!
384
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:12,640
Munch! I'm scared.
385
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,400
Don't worry.
A lot of women are scared of me.
386
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,800
You just have to trust me
that I won't get my knob out.
387
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,160
Almost five times out of ten
it won't happen.
388
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,520
No...
389
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,200
I need you.
390
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,520
I need someone to hold my hand,
you silly triffid.
391
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:33,320
Er...
392
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:34,600
The other one.
393
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,920
Just send me kind thoughts.
394
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,200
Ah!
395
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:46,760
Donna!
396
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,840
Jonny!
397
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,680
I'm so sorry.
398
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,160
No, they're right, that's creepy.
399
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,360
Donna...
400
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:03,160
There's nothing you say
can make me feel any better.
401
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,120
Do you know how hard it was
to forgive you the first time?
402
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:08,400
It took every ounce
of strength in my body.
403
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,520
I couldn't sleep, it made me ill!
404
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,440
I lost weight, I couldn't sleep.
405
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:15,120
It made me repetitive.
406
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:16,800
You nearly killed me.
407
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,480
We made a mistake. We're sorry.
408
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:22,120
Don't you dare! Don't you dare
say you're sorry! OK...
409
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:24,520
Borry?
410
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:28,320
I'm very borry too.
411
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,480
I should have known
this'd happen again.
412
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,520
I've watched you get closer
and closer, laughing together.
413
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,920
I can't believe I trusted you.
414
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:39,400
It was pretty stupid of you.
I agree.
415
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,520
Jonny's not even cold in the ground.
416
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:46,160
We had an early frost.
I think he is. I can't look at you,
417
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,360
I hate the pair of you!
418
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:51,640
You've ruined my life.
419
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:54,320
Everything's just gone.
420
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:58,480
So I'm gonna go to London
as soon as I can. Tomorrow.
421
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:00,840
And I don't want you coming
anywhere near me.
422
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:01,920
To meet Wesley?
423
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,440
What?
424
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:06,120
Are you going to meet Wesley?
425
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:08,760
Don't even go there
Janet Keogh nee Smith.
426
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,920
Why not,
Donna Wilkinson nee Henshaw?
427
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:13,840
Who's Wesley?
428
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,120
Shut up,
Gaz Wilkinson nee Wilkinson!
429
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,560
Wesley is the person Donna's been
emotionally cheating on you with.
430
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,720
Wesley!
431
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:32,840
I'm sorry, sorry.
It's just a stupid name. Sorry.
432
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,120
Eee!
433
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,000
BABY CRIES
434
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,400
She's perfect.
435
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,680
She's beautiful.
436
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,840
Just like her mother.
437
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,560
Who's her mother?
438
00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,440
Thank you for helping, Munch.
439
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:02,200
No bother. I'll be off then.
440
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:05,840
Wait... You know what
I'd like to name her?
441
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,760
Oh, Louise.
I'd be honoured if you...
442
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:12,680
I'll name her Louise.
Because she looks just like Louise.
443
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:13,840
Who is I.
444
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,680
Oh. I see.
445
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:18,320
Louise Munch Brooks.
446
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:21,280
Ah! She's gorgeous.
447
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:22,960
Like a dwarf.
448
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,560
Let's hope I never stand on her.
449
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,800
I am so not calling you Munch.
450
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,480
Your name is Louise Louise Brooks.
451
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,240
You two just leave!
452
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:42,000
You deserve each other,
you deserve this life.
453
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,080
This town,
454
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:44,400
this lack of museums.
455
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,240
We've got a cycle museum.
456
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:49,640
It's a BMX tied to a fence!
457
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,200
I deserve better.
458
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:57,640
I deserve bright lights
and too many Starbucks.
459
00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,800
What's a Starbucks?
460
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,960
Don't know, I'm not a sci-fi fan.
461
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,840
Come on, Gaz. Let's just go.
We've ruined everything.
462
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:07,680
PHONE BEEPS
463
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:08,800
Oh, my God!
464
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,640
What have I done now?
465
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,400
That screen saver of
those shaven koalas
466
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,840
was already on that phone
when you bought it.
467
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:17,920
No.
468
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,160
My wages are double
what I was being paid,
469
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,400
they're giving me accommodation,
470
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,320
and a Volvo.
471
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,360
A Volvo!
472
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:28,720
In London.
473
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,120
Shit. What?
474
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,880
Gaz, I don't love you.
475
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,680
Well, that's rubbing ointment
into the wound.
476
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,480
Salt.
477
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,960
What? You rub salt into the wound.
478
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:44,320
Why would you do that?
That'd really smart!
479
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:46,560
I don't mean I don't love you.
I do,
480
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:50,200
but I need this opportunity.
481
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:54,440
I love my work and we're
not meant to be together.
482
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:56,360
No, we're not.
483
00:23:56,360 --> 00:24:00,240
And you and Janet.
You know, I can see that working.
484
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,680
Because...you're scum.
485
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:06,120
In a nice way.
486
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:08,720
We are. Yeah.
487
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,720
So then be together.
This is weird.
488
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,920
Don't trust her Gaz, she's
got a crazy look in her eye.
489
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,920
No, no. That's just glaucoma.
490
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:21,720
I like it. But I like clouds, so...
491
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,320
Gaz, we're really good mates.
492
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:25,960
And Janet, you're like
a sister to me.
493
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,200
You hate your sister.
494
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,760
A brother.
Your brother got Louise pregnant.
495
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,480
You're like a friend to me.
496
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:34,040
I am your friend.
I'm your best friend.
497
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:37,920
But right now the most important
thing in my life is my job
498
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:41,280
and the chance for happiness.
Not necessarily with Wesley.
499
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,880
But with someone...something else.
500
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:46,040
GAZ SNIGGERS
501
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:48,640
Sorry, sorry.
It's just Wesley, sorry!
502
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:52,880
So I'm gonna go to London
tomorrow.
503
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:56,040
But you should be together.
504
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,240
And Gaz...
505
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:00,040
you're gonna make a great dad.
506
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:01,400
Thank you.
507
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:04,760
Group hug.
508
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,080
Come on, eh?
509
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,800
Gaz, that's just inappropriate.
510
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,800
I'm really going to miss you, Mum.
Thanks, Munch.
511
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:24,960
So am I.
512
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:26,360
So am I.
513
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:28,920
Although I must admit,
514
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,640
it's gonna be a hell of a lot
easier poking Janet now.
515
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:34,040
Sorry.
516
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:39,160
Oh, yeah! Louise Brooks.
Back in a size four. Ha!
517
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,360
Have it, Posh, you fat slag.
518
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:46,480
I really love her.
519
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:49,160
She goes with everything!
520
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:50,480
CAR HORN
521
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:52,520
Right, that's me.
522
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:58,360
I wanted to say something
to each of you,
523
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:02,200
something profound
that'll stay with you.
524
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,640
But he's probably put his meter
on, so I'll just...
525
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:08,160
Donna! Donna, wait, wait.
526
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,920
Well, you said you hated
long goodbyes.
527
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,960
Yeah, I do.
528
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:33,240
Everything's gonna be
all right, isn't it?
529
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:37,880
Yeah, everything's gonna be fine.
530
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,160
Janet! Janet, what's wrong?
531
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:43,400
Jonny died.
532
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:44,960
Yum, yum, yum.
533
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,320
What the frigging hell's that?
534
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:55,560
Oh, Jonny!
535
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:00,160
Gonna shit.
536
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,280
Oh, my God!
537
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:02,600
Hiya!
538
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:04,640
GLASSES SMASH
539
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:07,840
I'm sorry!
540
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:14,520
Knock yourself out.
541
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:15,800
Honk, honk!
542
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:22,560
Step, step, shimmy.
543
00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:30,720
I hate the pair of you!
544
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:42,520
BAA!
545
00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:50,880
Baby time.
546
00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:55,520
Jonny's favourite butt plug.
547
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:57,120
SHRIEKS
548
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:00,480
What the hell is going on?
549
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:03,520
Oh, suck my semi-functioning balls!
550
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:04,600
She's beautiful.
551
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:07,720
I need you, Gaz Wilkinson.
552
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:10,000
Probably always will.
553
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,560
Shall we go home?
554
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:13,960
Which one?
555
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,520
Ours.
556
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:17,520
You, me...Corinthian.
557
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,200
When the fuck did that happen?
39808
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