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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,080
I serve notice on this property
to begin repossession.
2
00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:09,600
I'm gonna be on the streets turning
tricks. She's got a baby, you can't
just turf her out.
3
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:13,040
Janet, we would like to...
4
00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:15,520
buy your house.
5
00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:22,000
Really? 'Fraid so. Oh, Donna, that
is the best thing a friend could do!
6
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:26,760
Don't mention it. I'm sure that
you and Corinthian and Louise
will be very happy in Gaz's flat.
7
00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,320
I can't believe it. This place...
8
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,960
this palace! It belongs to us now.
9
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:06,360
Excuse me if I don't dance a
merry jig of joy but I've got
my interview. How's your leg?
10
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:11,280
It's preventing me from dancing
a merry jig of joy.
But I can still do this.
11
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,920
And while I'm gone, you need to
get rid of all this worthless junk.
12
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:22,440
Worthless?!
You can't put a price on...
13
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:29,680
Oh, hang on. 49p?! Say what you
want about Jonny but he really
had an eye for a pink flamingo.
14
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:33,560
Right, I've got everything.
Wish me luck. Good luck.
15
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,080
I don't need luck!
16
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,560
That area manager job is mine.
17
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,520
I'm gonna knock 'em dead
at the interview.
18
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:45,240
Then I'm gonna stand over their
mangled, bloodied corpses
19
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:49,320
and I'm gonna shout, "I am
Donna Wilkinson, hear me roar!"
20
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:55,160
Get rid of these
things! Please, Donna.
21
00:01:55,160 --> 00:02:01,080
This lot, it's all I've got to remind
me of Jonny. That's a photo of Janet.
22
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,800
Jonny's favourite photo of Janet.
23
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:08,120
And this. That's Janet's bra.
24
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,400
Jonny's favourite bra of Janet's.
25
00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:17,640
Gaz, this crap might have been OK
for them pair, but I want the
place sophisticated, like me.
26
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:18,960
Wait.
27
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:22,760
Hungry bum.
28
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,800
Mmm, how hungry?
29
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:34,680
Get on with it. Fine.
I'll have a clear out. For you.
30
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,840
Good. Now give us a hug.
31
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:39,800
No way, bum hands.
32
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:47,080
See, Corinthian?
It's not so bad living here.
33
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:51,400
It's bit more cramped than our
old place but at least it's ours.
34
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,680
HIGH_PITCHED SCREAM
35
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:57,280
Louise! Yeah. What are you doing?
36
00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:01,800
Practising my childbirth screams,
stupid.
37
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:05,000
I need to sound sexy in case
there's any hot doctors about.
38
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:11,080
Clooneys or Doogie Howsers
or, at a stretch, Quinn.
39
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,400
You're not gonna pull
a doctor when you're in labour.
40
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:19,040
A person coming out of you is likely
to put off a person coming into you.
41
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:26,680
I need something that says, "I'm
still young and nubile, even if
my chuff looks like a dropped pie".
42
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:32,280
Well, do it quietly! Certainly.
43
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,640
SHE SCREAMS
44
00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:38,760
Oh, I can't live like this!
I'm gonna demand Gaz
gives me back my house.
45
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,200
It's all I've got to remind me
of Jonny. Apart from this.
46
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:48,680
That's a photo of Gaz.
Jonny's favourite
photo of Gaz. And this.
47
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:55,000
That's Gaz's T-shirt. Jonny's
favourite T-shirt of Gaz's.
48
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,080
SHE SCREAMS
49
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,280
For the last time... Oh, Munch!
50
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,960
Ah, I slept like a horse.
51
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,360
By which I mean standing up.
52
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,880
Oh, my God! You mean you've
been squatting in Gaz's flat?
53
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:10,560
Well, yeah. I squatted for a bit.
54
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:15,120
Then I stood up. Now it's toilet
time so I'm going for another squat.
55
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:28,160
Munch, it's dead easy. We've just
got to sort Janet's old stuff into
the tacky, and the not tacky. Right.
56
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:36,000
Right. One genuine, bona fide fully
authenticated Knightrider snow-globe.
57
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:45,560
Tough one. The head says tacky,
the heart says timeless.
58
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,200
It's not about what we think.
You've got to think like a woman.
59
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,640
Oh. You know something, I should
never have married him. You what?
60
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:57,400
You said think like a woman.
I was thinking like Rose West.
61
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:06,680
I meant think like Donna.
Oh. You know something, I should
never have married him.
62
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:16,000
Tacky or not tacky,
one mint condition novelty
"I heart boobies" mug.
63
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,320
I reckon she'd like that.
64
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,520
She loves boobies. I'm always
catching her playing with them.
65
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,520
Really? Obviously she
says she's washing them.
66
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:29,520
And then she says, "Why are
you hiding in the linen
basket peering at me?
67
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:33,040
"And why have you got
an empty ketchup
bottle on the end of your knob?"
68
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,640
She's got to learn to
respect your boundaries, Gaz.
69
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,920
Stick it in the maybe pile.
70
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:46,520
Tacky or not tacky, one limited
edition monkey-with-a-boner
statuette.
71
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:53,720
Donna loves monkeys, and
she likes boners, but does
she like monkey boners?
72
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,560
I like monkey boners. No.
73
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,320
That's horse boners. No.
74
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:01,360
That's horse racing.
75
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,960
No. Motorbike racing. No.
76
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:07,840
Hang on, it is monkey boners.
77
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:14,000
Sod it, this is too hard. Let's just
chuck everything out.
78
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,880
Wait, wait, wait!
79
00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:19,400
Look. Jonny's T-shirt!
80
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,200
You can't chuck this out.
81
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:30,640
Think of all the happy memories,
all the happy times
he spent wearing this.
82
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:37,160
Gaz, I think that's Janet's... and
to answer the T-shirt's question,
83
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:41,600
yes. Can I touch you?
84
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:51,240
Donna Wilkinson. That's me. Riddle me
this, what you can bring to the table
85
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:55,600
vis a vis solutioneering blue-hat
answers to black-hat problems?
86
00:06:55,600 --> 00:07:00,080
Bearing in mind we're selling
the sizzle here, not the sausage.
87
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,040
Sorry, pardon?
Let's cut the proverbial.
88
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:07,560
I need a highly motivated go-to guy,
or girl, capable of envisioneering
89
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:12,080
actionable win-win scenarios within
a time-crunch work-frame. Thoughts?
90
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,800
I have a GCSE in music.
91
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:21,560
Interesting. Now let's
stir-fry this in your mind-wok.
92
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,280
You have to incentivise your team.
93
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:27,920
How would you conceive
achieveable solutions to push
that particular banana hammock?
94
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,480
Brainstorm?
95
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,200
Envelope?
96
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:34,760
Wok!
97
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:41,280
OK, erm... Donna. Yeah, I think
that's enough.
98
00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:45,360
We'll touch base ASAP apropos
future interfacing. Well, I, er...
99
00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:47,760
We'll let you know.
100
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,440
Aye aye!
Don't get many of them to the pound.
101
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,200
Munch, you can't say things like that
any more!
102
00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:00,280
What you mean is, you can't
get many of them to the kilogram.
103
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,000
KNOCK ON DOOR
104
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:09,360
Hi, Janet. Gaz, now you listen to me.
I demand that you give me my home.
105
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:16,320
My home! My stuff! My genuine,
bona fide, fully authenticated
Knightrider snow-globe! Where is it?
106
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,640
Where's concrete Jonny?!
107
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,440
It's all safely packed away
in the kitchen.
108
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,520
You told me to put
it all in the skip.
109
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:28,920
No, no! I told him to...
skip to the kitchen.
110
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,520
Now go and fetch it for Janet.
111
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,480
And skip. You what?
112
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:33,440
Skip.
113
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:39,000
It's just a little bit of
redecoration. Donna wants it all
sophisticated.
114
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,960
She's got really posh tastes.
115
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:44,280
She loves Il Divo and won't
even eat pies from the tin.
116
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:48,960
And I suppose my plastic
flamingoes are too tacky
for Lady Muck, are they?
117
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:54,200
No! Well, yeah. We're keeping
all the ceilings and walls!
118
00:08:54,200 --> 00:09:00,800
We even thought about
keeping the carpet until we
noticed the squelching.
119
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,960
Gaz, why are you wearing...
120
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:08,960
Jonny's T-shirt? Just makes me
feel close to him. Isn't that...
121
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,240
Jonny's. I'd better get on
with the decorating.
122
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:14,760
Yeah, well you do that. I'll just
get back to my tacky little life.
123
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:18,320
With my tacky house and my
tacky clothes and my tacky baby.
124
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,440
Though, actually, he's more sticky.
125
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:25,360
I don't think you're tacky.
You've got great taste. You should
help with the decorating!
126
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:29,120
No, I'm rubbish. Everything
about me is horrible and ugly.
127
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,160
That's just stupid.
128
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:36,600
You're beautiful, Janet.
Me? Yeah right. Yes, you!
129
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,560
You're the most beautiful...
130
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:47,040
..wife of my best friend and best
friend of my wife.
131
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:50,880
Anyhoo... Yeah.
Help me with the decorating.
132
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:55,280
Just don't fill the place with
a load of Jonny memorabilia
like you did the wedding.
133
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:58,040
I wouldn't do that!
I learnt my lesson last...
134
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:01,040
Where do you want him?
I was thinking by the door.
135
00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:06,080
Louise, what am I gonna do? What?
136
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:07,720
About the interview.
137
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:11,400
I mean, I'm through to the second
round, thank God for that music
GCSE,
138
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:15,880
but I don't think I'll make it past
there, the interviewer
talked such utter bullshit.
139
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:18,760
You should've just
bullshitted him right back. How?
140
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:23,960
Well, first you open a bilateral
face mash then you pull stumps
and pick the low hanging fruit.
141
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,760
That's it!
That's exactly what he was like!
142
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:33,840
You've either got it or you haven't.
What do you think to this?
143
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:40,240
It's hideous. You look like the
knotted end of a used condom.
144
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:44,320
Donna, it's my childbirth face.
145
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:50,720
It's very important that I'm chic
and demure whilst the midwife's up
to her wrist in my gammon kebab.
146
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:57,360
Ah, the magic of childbirth.
So you must've finished your
antenatal classes by now.
147
00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:01,320
Finished? I never started. What? It
was just like being back at school.
148
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:05,640
All that listening and
learning and letting
strangers look at your fanny.
149
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:14,320
Louise, this is serious. Childbirth
is the most painful experience
you'll ever have to go through.
150
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:20,000
Yeah, I know. Listen to me, when
I was born I was stuck in my
mum's birth canal for two hours.
151
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:24,240
She said it was like shitting out
a three-piece suite.
152
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:25,800
Sideways.
153
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,120
With people on it.
154
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,600
Fat people.
155
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,320
In wheelchairs.
156
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:37,280
I'll cope.
Her fringe got all sweaty.
Oh, Jesus! I'll be hideous!
157
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,920
The hot doctors won't like me!
158
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,520
I don't think many doctors
will be looking at your fringe.
159
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:48,600
Not if it's all sweaty, they won't.
Relax. You just need
to be prepared.
160
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:53,840
I'll be your birthing partner
if you teach me how to bullshit.
I guess I can try.
161
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:58,880
Great. And don't worry, I'm gonna
keep you calm and relaxed
162
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:03,600
through the red-faced,
agonising bloodbath
that is the miracle of childbirth.
163
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,080
Do I know sophisticated,
or do I know sophisticated?
164
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:19,880
And the best part is, I feel ready
to close the door on this place,
settle into my new home.
165
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:24,600
How is the flat? It's OK. A bit
cramped. Me, Munch, Louise
and Corinthian.
166
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:30,240
I feel like the old woman
who lived in a shoe. Mainly because
it smells of feet.
167
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:33,040
Aye, I miss that place.
I miss this place.
168
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:36,560
You should come and visit.
You too. Whenever you want.
169
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:40,360
Night or day. It's important
to remember the little things.
170
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:44,040
You're right. The smells.
Yeah, and the sounds. And the feel.
171
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:47,760
And the eyes.
172
00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,840
And the arms.
173
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,720
And the lips.
174
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,520
Oh.
175
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:02,040
Oh, my God! And in front of Jonny.
176
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:09,520
It's fine. I'm sure he didn't see.
He was busy serving.
177
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,320
Gaz, he sees everything!
He's everywhere! Like God!
178
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,160
Or Polish people!
179
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,640
Look, I should go. I'm really sorry.
Gaz, wait!
180
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,080
No, Janet. I can't do this.
181
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,960
I live here now, don't I?
182
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,840
Yes. I should go,
back to my new home.
183
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,600
Goodbye, Gaz.
184
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,040
I forgot something.
Your bag. No, this.
185
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:47,000
See, bullshitting is an ancient
and highly complex art form.
186
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:52,400
All modern bullshit as we know it
descends from the Rules of Semantic
Convolution,
187
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,960
as laid down in 5BC
by Greek philosopher Turdopheles.
188
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,040
Really?
189
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:00,200
No. Turdopheles?!
190
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:07,680
I made it up! The secret is making
your bullshit as exaggerated
and as detailed as possible.
191
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,880
That way no-one questions it.
192
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,040
Right. Like the time I didn't
come to your birthday thing.
193
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,240
What? You mean, there was no
spider-monkey?
194
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,360
No banana shortage?
195
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:24,960
No savage attack leaving you with
a rare and potentially fatal
dose of African Death Face?
196
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:31,440
My God, you're like the Picasso
of bullshit artists.
197
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:35,120
Here's what you do. Walk into the
interviewer's office and tell him,
198
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:38,040
"Let's cut the turnips
and get straight to the gravy.
199
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:42,680
"I, Donna Wilkinson, am a
walking thought-grenade."
I should write this down.
200
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:47,000
"Because modern business is a
wet beehive, and who wants
201
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:51,360
"to get caught rolling coconuts the
wrong way down a three-way street?"
202
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:56,040
"So give me a job. Please."
203
00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:58,560
OK, right. I think I'm getting it.
204
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:02,040
Tim. Yes, my curly-haired cupcake?
205
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:07,080
I need to, er, schedule some
mouth-time with you, ASWAD,
206
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,960
in regards to spanking our
proverbial badgers
207
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,320
before the bat hits the frying pan,
if you catch my drift.
208
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,680
Erm, OK, then.
209
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:21,000
My God. He actually thought I knew
what I was talking about.
210
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,720
She's gone all
Heather Mills, she has.
211
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:28,280
Right. I'm gonna phone and
schedule my second interview.
212
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:33,160
I mean, I'm going to head-synch with
the trans-telephonic mother brain
213
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:37,120
in regards to dipping my sheepdogs
in the big corporate waterfall.
214
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:41,040
Hang on. What about being my
birthing partner? In a bit.
215
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:45,280
I need to put you on hold while
I process my aspiration fax. Ha!
216
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,040
Ha!
217
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:48,520
Oh.
218
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,280
This can never happen again.
We just can't help ourselves!
219
00:15:56,280 --> 00:16:00,440
You've just been
so nice to me and... And you're
so vulnerable and sad...
220
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:03,800
And it was a friend kiss.
Yeah, a friend kiss!
221
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:07,840
Exactly! It meant no more than
a pat on the back. Like this.
222
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,760
Or a hug. Like this.
223
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,920
Or a peck on the cheek. Like this!
224
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,200
Or the equivalent of all three.
225
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,600
We just did it again, didn't we?
Pretty much, yeah.
226
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:27,360
I need to leave. We obviously can't
be trusted to be around each other.
227
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,760
You're right. We should never
be alone again. One for the road.
228
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,640
Good news, Gaz! I called back
about the job and...
229
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,920
JESUS SHITTING CHRIST!
230
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,440
Donna...this isn't what you think.
231
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:45,560
The house. You haven't done a thing!
232
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:51,240
Oh, that. Yes, I have! I should've
known you'd screw it up.
233
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,920
But I thought this was, like, classy.
234
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:59,200
Gaz, your idea of classy is aiming
your ejaculation away from my hair.
235
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:06,360
I was gonna do it and then Munch
came round this morning and...
236
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:10,960
And what? You sat around talking
about wanking for two hours?
237
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,960
No. We talked about fishing
for a bit.
238
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:20,240
Right, well, you're gonna redecorate
properly this time. Janet, you're
gonna make sure he does.
239
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,240
Don't leave his side for a second.
240
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:26,400
I don't think that's a good idea.
You're a woman, I know
you won't let me down.
241
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,080
I want you all over Gaz's arse!
242
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:35,240
And make sure he does it right
this time.
243
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:39,920
I want you to really make him
sweat, Janet, put him to work.
244
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,320
Hard and fast.
245
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,240
OK, yeah, we'll do it.
We'll make it look classy.
246
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:54,120
Good. Now, guess who's got a career
reinterfacing networking opportunity
on their short-range radar-planner.
247
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,800
Guess who's got a job interview.
248
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,800
Me!
249
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:06,320
Right, you lot, wish me luck.
I'm off to that London!
250
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:10,320
To get a proper top chuffing
well-paid new job, like.
251
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,080
London? Will you bring me back
some hummus?
252
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,880
Tim, I'll bring you back
so much hummus you'll vomit.
253
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,360
Just a tub's fine.
254
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:22,280
Donna, you can't go. You're
supposed to be my birthing partner.
255
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,880
Oh, Louise, I...
I'm sorry, I forgot and my taxi's...
256
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,240
Anyway, you don't need one of those.
257
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:29,680
Childbirth's a piece of piss.
258
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:34,200
You said it was like shitting
a three-piece suite.
259
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,880
Sideways.
260
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,240
With people on it.
261
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,640
And my hair won't be pretty!
262
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:44,880
What I meant was it's
like shitting a footstool.
263
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,800
Lengthways. With Vaseline on it.
264
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:52,640
Please. I bought a childbirth manual
and everything. OK. Fine. Great.
265
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,800
Now, it says here, the best thing
to do is a child-birth role-play.
266
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,880
Great. Let's get those
contractions started.
267
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:06,600
Slow, rhythmic opening of
the uterus, to Orinoco Flow
268
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:11,240
by Irish chanteuse Enya.
269
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:23,320
Right. My taxi's coming. Any chance
you could speed this uterus up?
270
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,840
Maybe try a quicker rhythm.
Think Mambo No. 5.
271
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:31,840
Everybody's in the car, so come on,
272
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:34,160
Nope, no good. OK, then.
273
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:42,080
Oh, look, your waters broke!
274
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,760
It must be coming out.
275
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:48,280
Oh. OK. Better lie down, then.
276
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:54,280
Now, don't worry, Louise, you're
my friend and I will be here
for you. Right by your side.
277
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,520
Every step of the...
CAR HORN SOUNDS
Well, that's me.
278
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:01,000
Honestly! The selfish cow.
279
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,560
Oww!
280
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:07,560
Ooh, is it me or did my cervix
just stretch and relax?
281
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,080
Ugh! Oh, my God!
282
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,200
Baby time!
283
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,080
Look, can we talk? Gaz, there's
nothing to talk about.
284
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:21,560
It was just a couple of
harmless, meaningless snogs.
285
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:24,760
With 74 equally meaningless
bottom touches.
286
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,680
And one
equally meaningless bulge.
287
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:32,040
I know, I know, but I've been
thinking, what if it's fate?
288
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:38,240
We keep getting thrown together,
what if someone's trying to tell
us something? I love you forever.
289
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,640
What? Janet, I...
290
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,840
Jonny! He must've done it when
we were decorating.
291
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,600
Oh, yeah.
292
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:50,120
That is so romantic.
293
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:55,120
If you ignore the doodle marked
"Jonny's all-beef cock sausage".
294
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,600
Aye, he did draw a good dick.
295
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,760
Look at the shading on that helmet.
296
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:08,520
Gaz, maybe you're right.
Maybe someone is trying to tell us
something. Maybe it's Jonny.
297
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,480
Janet, he'd want you to move on.
298
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:14,360
You reckon?
Yeah. In fact, let's ask him.
299
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:20,920
Jonny, if you have a problem with
me being with Janet, give us a sign.
300
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:26,840
Wait, that's void. I mean,
things falling over don't count.
301
00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:31,880
All right, all right, a simple
straightforward question, Jonny,
do you want me to be with Janet?
302
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,080
Forget it!
303
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,680
I'll remember this, you selfish twat.
304
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:49,080
None of this matters. We can't be
together anyway because
you're married, to my best friend.
305
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:55,240
So what should we do? Keep out of
each other's lives. We can't keep
doing this, Gaz, we're adults now.
306
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:59,040
Yes, I know. God, I hate you
sometimes, you're so boring.
307
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:02,600
Look, Gaz, I think we should... We
need to swap T-shirts.
308
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:06,640
What? But this is... Mine!
You know it is.
309
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,200
And this...this is yours.
310
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,440
I'm going to need some help.
311
00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:20,560
Well...
312
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:23,720
this is an unexpected
turn of events.
313
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:28,960
Indeed. It's almost like someone's
trying to tell us something.
314
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,600
Oh, for f...
315
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,240
Right, look, I'm off.
316
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,040
And no snogging this time.
317
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,560
Don't worry, I'll stand back.
318
00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:40,960
Goodbye, Gaz.
319
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,000
Goodbye, Janet.
320
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,440
Mind how you go.
321
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:58,840
Cheeky cow, she could've washed it.
322
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,000
Ooh, another contraction!
323
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,960
Oh, God, it's actually happening.
324
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,680
Thank God I've got
my birthing partner.
325
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:16,720
'I'm here for you, Louise,
unlike selfish horrible Donna.
326
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,520
'Just breathe deeply.'
327
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:22,440
SHE BREATHES DEEPLY
Do I still look...glamorous?
328
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:25,840
'Yes, Louise, you do still
look glamorous.'
329
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:28,640
Thanks, me.
330
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:32,840
'That's OK, Louise, because...'
MESSAGE SLURS AND STOPS
331
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:36,720
Fiddlesticks!
332
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:40,000
Did you want me?
333
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:44,200
Munch! Oh, I was sleeping
like a baby.
334
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,800
By which I mean, in my own shit.
335
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:54,160
Well, get back in your cupboard,
I'm trying to have my...
contractions!
336
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,880
Ohh! That was a big one!
337
00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,000
Oh, I love a good birth, me.
338
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:03,440
I was there every time me ma
went into labour. All 17 times.
339
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:09,600
What? Really? Oh, yeah, you couldn't
move for afterbirth round our house.
340
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,960
We were swimming in the stuff.
341
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:17,520
Well, paddling. That's it, then,
you're my birthing partner.
342
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:20,760
OK, then. I'll go and get
the whelping box.
343
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:24,680
The what? That's what we used on
me ma. She screamed like an animal.
344
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,360
It's only fair, really,
cos she was an animal.
345
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:29,200
Who was?
346
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:33,000
Me Ma. Our pit bull. I named her
after the ambulance siren.
347
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:37,400
"Me-ma, me-ma"! Oh, she loved
an ambulance.
348
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:40,920
She'd wag her little tail
every time she savaged a child.
349
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:46,400
So you only know...
OW! ..dog births?!
350
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,480
Yeah. That one really hurt!
351
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,320
Relax, it's all the same thing.
352
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,000
Now, I need you to pant with me.
353
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:08,960
Eh?
354
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:11,240
Eh?! Oh!
355
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,720
Oh! Oh!
356
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:20,360
Wait...wait... Stay calm, stay calm,
I'm sure we didn't do anything.
357
00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:22,800
Let's examine the evidence.
358
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:24,560
Lambrini.
359
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:26,160
Candles.
360
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:28,200
Your cock is still in me.
361
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:38,600
Yes, I know, this is awkward now. OK.
362
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:41,920
How?! How did this happen?!
363
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:45,600
I don't know. Let's just think.
Erm...
364
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:50,080
You went home, then you came back
and knocked on the door.
365
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:51,840
Yeah, I'd left my phone.
366
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:56,200
Then I give you your phone
and you asked for a glass of water.
367
00:25:56,200 --> 00:26:00,120
Then you walked me to the door,
then you opened the door.
368
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:02,880
And then...then I put my cock in you.
369
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,160
Oh! Ohh!
370
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:12,120
Donna's back any minute, you
should go. Oh, God. God. Ow. Oh, God.
371
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,040
Oh, no.
KNOCK AT DOOR
372
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:32,640
Erm... All right, Donna. You're back.
373
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,280
I was just having a...
374
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:40,920
Gaz, I've got something to say
and I need you to listen.
375
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:46,440
For a really long time now,
even before Jonny died,
I've been looking for something.
376
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:49,600
And it's taken me losing this place
to realise what it was.
377
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:52,480
I've been looking for a home, Gaz.
378
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:55,360
I've found it. It's here.
379
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,720
Next to the bookcase?
380
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:02,560
No, Gaz, with you. You're home.
381
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:05,640
You're my home. Oh, Janet...
382
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:08,120
I need you, Gaz Wilkinson.
383
00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:10,200
I think I probably always will.
384
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:12,520
Hey, come here.
385
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:18,080
Hey. I'm not going anywhere. All
right? I'll always be here for you.
386
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:20,040
You swear?
387
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:21,400
Yeah.
388
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:23,080
For you and Corinthian.
389
00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:28,280
I love you.
390
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,400
I got the job.
391
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,600
Get your bowler hat on, Gaz,
we're moving to London!
392
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:44,520
LONDON!
393
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:52,400
We can't move here. We're going
to have to have the baby here.
394
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:55,800
I'm still going to London, I just
wanted to say goodbye properly.
395
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,040
With me knob.
396
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:00,040
SHE GROANS
397
00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:04,720
Well, I have to tell you
it's both grave and sinister and
may ruin your life forever.
398
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,680
She's perfect.
399
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:08,320
She's beautiful.
400
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:16,040
with bubbles in it
401
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:21,960
handle anything stronger, now
34225
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