Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour

Can't keep a secret! Corinthian, they are not finding out from me

who your real father is.

Oh, my God.

This is amazing. I've got a son.

Oh, Janet, Janet!

I need to talk to you. It's about Jonny.

I don't need to talk about Jonny to keep his memory alive.

All I need is Corinthian, his son.

As long as I have him, Jonny'll always be a part of our lives, won't he?

Yeah.

Morning! What a lovely day!

You're cheerful.

Yes, and why shouldn't I be?

No reason.

SHE COUGHS

What? Nothing!

SHE COUGHS Da, da, da.

Louise, are you feeling OK?

Are you feeling OK?

Your husband's dead, Janet. That's why you shouldn't be cheerful. Oh. I must've, you know...forgot.

That's first time in eight months, that Jonny hasn't been the first thing on my mind.

Oh. You don't have to feel, Janet, guilty about being happy.

Really? Of course not.

It's lovely to have the old Janet back.

SHE COUGHS

Nasty cough you got there. Really nasty. You should see someone about that.

SHE COUGHS

Who's Yvette? You know what, though? You're right.

From now on, I am gonna be happy to the point of irritation.

Ba ba ba baaa! Oh!

Anyway, it can't be eight months. That'd make me nine month's pregnant.

And look at me, I'm not even showing.

Louise, you look like Anne Diamond with Chris Moyles stuffed up her jumper.

That's water retention.

Oh...any reason you're hanging onto Lake Windermere?

What are you doing? I'm sorting the mail. Louise!

Look at all this!

God, there's a red one!

I know, there's tons of them!

It's a pretty colour, isn't it?

I meant to ask, what is a repossession order?

They're taking my house!

SHE COUGHS

So, bearing in mind I've got to keep little Corinthian entertained for the whole morning,

I've got him...

Schindler's List!

Gaz! You can't let him watch that! He's a baby.

But it's got trains in it.

He loves trains. Choo Choo!

Did you just say, "Jew, Jew, Jew?"

That's sick! I don't know why you're making such a big deal, anyway.

You're just babysitting.

This is the first time Janet's let me have him since, you know..?

Argh, argh, argh!

And if I can prove I can look after Corinthian,

she'll let me have him more often. Why would you want to do that?

Because he's mine...

..ute.

I love small people. I'd baby-sit Ronnie Corbett if he'd let me.

Not this again. How many restraining orders has the little man got to send?

You've been reading my diary? Whatever you do today, don't call me. I've got to keep the line free.

But what if I've got an emergency?

Gaz, an erection is not an emergency.

It can be. They can explode.

I've ruined many a cardigan.

I'm serious.

The nice man with the funny-shaped head from the brewery

is gonna ring to interview me for the position of area manager.

Fine. No phone calls. I'm telling you, Gaz,

that interview is my chance to show my true management potential.

My chance to show that I, Donna Wilkinson, can be the female Ruth Badger!

Let me know how you get on.

Now, just need a nice storybook.

No.

No.

Oh, definitely not!

Oh, here we are.

That's got little kitty-cats in it.

"Death was a vague idea

but the Pet Cemetery was real..."

It's no good. He's still awake. Well, don't look at me.

Why not? Cos I need to pick my nose.

BABY CRIES

Oh, yeah. Great, now you made him cry.

Hey, hey. Does baby want to watch a lickle film about Uncle Schindler

and the merciless persecution of God's chosen people?

Yeah. Does he?

BABY CRIES

Face it, I'm crap at looking after him. Of course you are, Gaz.

It's not like you're his real dad. I am...

..Henry the Eighth, I am.

Munch, why don't you take a long walk off a short pier?

Well, for one the nearest pier is 40 miles away in Prestatyn.

And for two, actually that's more of a promenade, really.

But I could do you a long walk to a short pier.

Just go somewhere and do something dangerous.

OK. I'll go into the kitchen and eat some glass.

OK. Look...son.

I'm sorry I'm so crap at all this.

I just wanted to prove I could look after you,

so Janet would let us spend more time together and we could bond. Da-da!

Do you mind? I'm talking.

I guess that's not gonna happen now, is it?

What did you just say? Da-da!

Daddy!

You called me Daddy.

You know who I am! Say it again!

Da-da!

That's amazing! Do it again! Da-da!

I can't believe this!

Do it again!

No rush.

Hey, take your time.

Now you're just pissing me about.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sir, I hereby serve notice on this property to begin repossession proceedings.

Whoa, whoa! You what?

I'm here to take the house and everything valuable in it.

I'm here to take the house.

You must be joking!

She's got a baby! You can't turf her out! I won't let you! You and who else?

All right, mate?

Want some, do you?

Well...we can do this another time.

Really? Yeah.

I'll give her another 24 hours.

Only fair.

How can they take my home?

I'll be on the street, turning tricks!

Like one of those dirty little street magicians!

Get over yourself. You're so melodramatic.

You'll be homeless, too. Me?!

I couldn't possibly perish in a backstreet with my unborn baby inside me!

It's too Dickensian.

People will be devastated! Now you're getting it.

Right, that's it! I'll sort this out, Janet.

I'm gonna march down to that citizens advice bureau right now

and then slip into the pub next door and find a rich single man!

Oh, great. You all right, Janet?

Actually, Donna, I'm in a bit of trouble. It's pretty embarrassing.

Janet, I'm your best friend. It's part of my job to listen. OK.

Well, I'm having money trouble and I know that you've got a decent job... PHONE RINGS

SHUT YOUR SHITTING FACE NOW!

Sorry. I'm expecting a call.

Hello, Donna Wilkinson, pub landlady and all round marvel.

No, I do not want to arrange a home visit!

Now, piss off, I'm keeping the line free!

I love you too, Grandma.

Sorry, what were you saying?

I need to sort my money out. PHONE RINGS

SHUT IT!

Hello, Donna Wilkinson...

Look, I don't care how many erections you've had, I'm not coming round!

Yes, I love you too, Grandad.

Janet! Guess what Corinthian did?

I'll clean it up later.

Good news. I found an answer to my money trouble!

Really? How? I found this tub of money!

It was just literally just sitting there on the bar.

See, someone's looking out for us. Right.

I was so chuffed I went shopping to celebrate!

Just a few essentials. Some food, a new pair of tracksuit bottoms,

and one semi-permanent tattoo of my late husband.

Isn't that Kriss Akabusi?

No! It's Jonny. You remember Jonny?

Yes. I just don't remember him being quite so, you know...black.

No, they did it over a bruise.

Oh. Look, while you were out

someone came round to repossess your house.

You've got 24 hours. Sorry.

What? Hey, it's OK.

Hey, this'll cheer you up.

Guess what Corinthian called me?

Daddy!

No!

He's so screwed up he's already forgotten who his real daddy is!

Oh, Corinthian, come on. Please, don't be mental.

Look, this is your real daddy.

Say hello to Daddy! Hello. Give him a kiss.

GO ON, KISS HIM!

Yeah, that should straighten him right out.

They can't take my home.

Janet, look, I'll take care of you. Both of you. I swear.

Yeah? How?

I'll buy the house - with Donna.

What? Really? Yeah!

You two can stay in the spare room. And we'll all be under one roof.

Happy, like.

Why would you wanna live with a screaming baby?

Because I'm his father...

..'s best friend.

Aw. That's so sweet.

Great, now all I've got to do now is try and convince Donna to move out of that luxury apartment of mine.

What, move out of this dirty little shit-hole? Yeah, all right, then.

Wow. That was well easy.

I've already found a new place!

You think I'd trust you to find our next house?

Gaz, your idea of the perfect home is a papier-mache igloo made of porno magazines.

You've been reading my diary again. Here's what we'll do, OK?

We'll find one place each, then see which is best.

I've got only got one bar on my signal. My place has got everything.

It's got floors. Ceilings... RING!

Corinthian.

What a waste of time. All morning I was out there.

But did I find a rich, single man to clear Janet's debts?

It's Runcorn, I'm going to guess a big, burly, hairy no.

Actually, yes.

But I accidentally got off with him myself.

Then I saw his shopping trolley.

Turns out he was just a tramp with a tie on.

It's called a strap-on, sweetheart.

That's it, then. I'm gonna be sleeping in shop doorways.

People might think I'm one of those filthy skanks

waiting for the unveiling of Lily Allen's latest New Look collection!

All right, girls? Get out Aidan Thomas!

We don't want your sort in here. You're a bully and a petty criminal

and you're deeply unfashionable.

Oh. But I've just been paid.

What can I get you?

My God. Where did you get all that?

We did over the Post Office on Church Street.

People got hurt. Really?! Yeah, envelopes are sharp.

I've got a really nasty paper cut.

So...rich, are we?

No, Aidan.

Rich and stupid. It gets better.

Come with me, oaf.

It's got digital TV upstairs and down,

electric curtains in all the bedrooms and two en-suite bathrooms.

Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.

Sorry?

I just said,

nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.

Look. Any questions, give us a shout.

What a shit-hole!

I wouldn't rent this place out to Chinese cockle pickers!

Gaz, what are you on about? It's got three bedrooms, a conservatory, a garden.

Donna, did you not hear the nyah, nyah, nyah argument?

I want a place with character, a character we know.

A blonde character, with big tits.

That kind of place. Are you talking about Janet's?

Exactly! Exactly like Janet's...

blonde, big-titted place.

Gaz, I would rather live in a hippy commune

inside Debbie McGee's anal cavity.

You've been reading it again.

Where's my phone? I've lost my phone! Oh my God!

What if he rings?! The man with funny-shaped head!

And I'm not there. He'll give the interview to somebody else!

And I'll be on the career scrapheap! For the rest of my... Oh, there it is.

Oh, he's still not rung.

Ring man with funny-shaped head!

Ring! Hang on.

Damp.

We can't buy a place with damp. Gaz, did you just lick the wall?

No!

Then how come it smells of my vagina?

It's coming from the en-suite, I'm not living here! Look!

HEAVENLY MUSIC

It's got a magazine rack.

For my Men's Health magazines!

You mean your porn.

That's what I said.

So, what do you think?

So, what do you reckon, Gaz?

Shall we put an offer in? Eh?

Donna wait, there's somewhere else I need you to see.

Your place was a death trap. My knee is completely knackered.

Because you kept booting the wall and crying after you'd seen the bathroom.

Don't speak of the bathroom. It's dead to me.

All right, Donna. Prepare to see our new dream home!

Just get on with it Gaz.

Ta-da!

Gaz, I've already told you, I won't live here.

Think about it, we know what we're getting!

Yes, a two-storey cesspool with all the class and sophistication of a used condom museum.

No offence, Janet.

None taken. I'll get rid of the condom museum or as Jonny liked to call it, "The floor."

What the hell is that?

I read you're supposed to bake bread and put fresh flowers out. But I couldn't do either.

So, I put some Mighty White in a vase.

Thanks for wasting my time, I'd better get back to work.

Maybe they'll ring on the landline. Oh, and Gaz... Yes, love?

If you agree to buy this place behind my back, I'll gouge your balls out with a splintery spoon

and then insert them into your anus.

Then, if they fall out again, I'll take them and ram them down your throat

and tie your larynx in a knot, so you can't swallow them and ingest their meaty goodness.

OK, love.

Well, that was promising.

It's over! My home!

I'm going to lose everything!

Hey! You won't.

I'll make sure of it.

All this...

it's made me realise...

I want to protect you.

In a matey way, obviously.

Yes. Obviously.

I know how to get Donna to buy this place!

Right. And does it involve house deeds, Rohypnol and a pen covered in superglue? No!

Although that is better.

Wow.

If I wasn't about to marry you off to my penniless, ever so slightly bat-shit mental best friend,

I'd have you myself.

Hold on a second, I'm not looking for a wife.

If you want to be in Runcorn's mafia, you need someone by your side.

Look at that David bloke.

He wouldn't have got anywhere without that dog on his arm. Who, Beckham?

No! Blunkett!

You need a partner.

Do you think so? Yes, you slow lummox!

Look, why don't we just pop round and see her?

Well, I was going to... I'm telling you, she'd makes the perfect criminal's wife.

Blonde, big tits, slightly leathery skin

and one enormous pre-lubricated cavity for drug smuggling.

Exactly how enormous are we talking?

Why is everything going wrong for me?

First, I lose my husband!

Now, my house!

My life is one big disaster type-thing!

Even that metaphor went wrong!

KEYS JINGLE No, It's them!

No! You're not taking my home you big evil, house-stealing...

I can't even do insults!

Janet, this is Aidan.

Oh, hello.

He's going to be your new husband.

What? Aw, look at you two. You can't keep your hands off each other.

OK, this is getting a little weird.

I'll leave you love birds to it.

I'm so sorry about her. Don't be. It's fine.

So are you.

Oh. Cheers.

Not so bad yourself.

Do you fancy a spit-roast?

What?!

Oh, my God! You're an animal, a pervert!

How dare you? Yes, all right, then.

Curse him!

Stupid man from the brewery!

With his stupid shaped head!

He didn't ring about the interview then?

It's not fair!

I'm management material! I can motivate people!

Now, I'm gonna be stuck in this crappy pub for the rest of my life,

with shit staff for shit money!

I thought you liked it here. I thought we were friends.

I'll just be out the back, self-harming.

Yeah. Masturbate all you want, it doesn't matter any more.

You see, if I can get Donna to buy that house,

Janet won't get kicked out and I can spend more time with my son...

dance film festival DVD collection.

Here's what you do.

Tell Donna, Janet's place is built on the site of an ancient gold mine.

Munch, she's not an idiot.

Can I have a word?

You can have five. We're not buying Janet's house.

No, what if I was to tell you

it was built on the site of an ancient gold mine!

Then I'd tell you that there'll be severe structural problems to the foundations,

making the property both uninsurable and uninhabitable,

not to mention the fact that the remarkable nature of said mine

would render any gold therein property of the National Trust.

Did I say goldmine? I meant...

ice cream factory.

We're not buying that crappy house!

I might not have got the job but we're not that desperate.

No. You're right, Donna. We're not that desperate.

But Janet is. They're repossessing her house. She's got 24 hours till she loses everything. What? Yeah.

Oh, God.

I can't believe I'm actually saying this but...

OK, fine, yeah.

We'll buy Janet's house. It's not like things can get any shittier. Yes. I love you! Thank you.

Wow. That was exhilarating.

You might want to give it a rinse.

Wow! You can't beat a good spit-roast.

You really stuffed it in my mouth.

Sorry about that. I get a bit carried away.

Don't be. It was lovely.

I like a man who can steal a pig.

Yeah. And you're a sweet girl.

Not like all them other slags I'm boning.

Ah, bless you.

What I'm trying to say is...

I'm glad your mental mate brought me over.

I'm glad too. It's just nice to meet someone who's interested in me.

Not just my money and my pigs.

Would it be OK if...if I snogged you?

Have you got any condoms?

No, I can't any. I'm completely skint.

I'm sure I can find some.

Ooh! Ooh!

Sorry about this.

Maybe I should buy some.

No, I wouldn't want you to blow your wad on me.

To our new dream home.

Ah, we're gonna have some good times in that place.

Yes. The two of us, gathered around that blocked drain,

shooing the crack dealers out of the garden.

It's not that bad. All it needs is a lick of paint.

No, Gaz, all it needs is a lick of paint-thinner and a dropped match.

Louise! Guess what..?

We're buying Janet's house.

No, you're not. She's not selling any more. I found her a rich man. You what? She's got a new bloke?

Which means we won't be needing your hand-outs, anymore.

Oh! Free champagne!

I dunno why you're so happy. How do you mean?

If Janet has shacked up with some fella, she's not gonna want you there?

Playing the gooseberry.

Donna, when have I ever played the gooseberry?

In all the years we've been friends and you've been with Gaz and Janet's been with Jonny

and I've been sat on my own in the corner crying to myself,

when have you ever known me to play the...

SHE SCREAMS

I can't believe she's found someone already. What about Corinthian?

I'm not having some strange man around my boy...

..sterous wife's best friend's baby. Come on. Munch, heel.

It is so kind of you to lend me all this.

How can I ever repay you?

By repaying me.

Mm. Old school.

Put the money down and step away from the widow!

Louise, what are you doing?

Janet, you're vulnerable right now.

With your concrete husband and your creepy tattoo.

There is nothing creepy about my tattoo!

You were married to Kriss Akabusi?

What's he really like?

I was not married to Kriss Akabusi. I was married to him.

You're quite weird.

Janet, the point is, you're a single mum.

You've got to get used to looking after yourself.

Janet! Don't worry, I'm here to look after you now.

What's wrong with you people?

Nothing, I...oh!

I don't know what your game is but you'll never fill Jonny's shoes.

Mainly because we burned him in them.

You're all a bunch of freaks.

Mm, glass.

No, Aidan!

Donna, your phone's bubbling.

The interview!! It's him!

Hello, Donna Wilkinson. Yeah.

Really?

Well, cheers for letting me know. OK.

Bad news, cheap shoes?

You know the man with the funny-shaped head?

Turns out it was a brain tumour. He died. Horribly.

Jesus, Mary and J-lo.

But I got the interview! That's the reason he didn't call! He was dying!

Donna, that's awful. I know!

Does the man not have a secretary? More champagne?

Hey you lot! Guess what, I got the interview!

Nice one, wife! Oh, yeah. I'm happy for you. Are you all right?

I'm skint, Donna. I'm homeless.

I'm gonna be the Littlest Hobo!

Janet, you won't be The Littlest Hobo. That'll be Corinthian.

Oh, God!

Oh, this is great news! Me and Donna, we've been talking and...

And there's no way of saying this without vomiting in my own mouth

but, Janet, we would like to...buy your house.

What! Really?

I'm afraid so. Donna, that is the best thing a friend could do!

Don't mention it.

I'm sure that you and Corinthian and Louise will be very, very happy in Gaz's flat.

What?

I thought we could live together. All of us.

You, me, Janet, Corinthian...

Louise!

Give or take Louise.

Gaz, we're buying a new house, not a dysfunctional family. We can make one of those ourselves. Right.

Oh, and Janet. I don't want you to worry about paying rent.

Oh. Thanks Donna, that's really...

Which is why we'll set up a direct debit. Saves me getting bailiffs involved. To new beginnings!

I miss this place. You should come and visit.

Yeah, you too. Whenever you want. Night or day.

It's important to remember the little things.

You're right. All the smells.

And the sounds. And the feel.

And the eyes.

And the arms.

And lips.