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1
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This programme contains adult humour
2
00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:06,360
Can't keep a secret! Corinthian,
they are not finding out from me
3
00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:07,960
who your real father is.
4
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,080
Oh, my God.
5
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:13,080
This is amazing. I've got a son.
6
00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:14,760
Oh, Janet, Janet!
7
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,800
I need to talk to you.
It's about Jonny.
8
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:20,320
I don't need to talk about
Jonny to keep his memory alive.
9
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:22,960
All I need is Corinthian, his son.
10
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:27,240
As long as I have him,
Jonny'll always be a part
of our lives, won't he?
11
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:29,920
Yeah.
12
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,400
Morning! What a lovely day!
13
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:06,440
You're cheerful.
14
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:07,920
Yes, and why shouldn't I be?
15
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:11,680
No reason.
16
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,040
SHE COUGHS
17
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,360
What? Nothing!
18
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:20,720
SHE COUGHS
Da, da, da.
19
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,400
Louise, are you feeling OK?
20
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,560
Are you feeling OK?
21
00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:32,680
Your husband's dead, Janet. That's
why you shouldn't be cheerful.
Oh. I must've, you know...forgot.
22
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:39,040
That's first time in eight months,
that Jonny hasn't been the
first thing on my mind.
23
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:44,560
Oh. You don't have to feel, Janet,
guilty about being happy.
24
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,520
Really? Of course not.
25
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,640
It's lovely to have the old
Janet back.
26
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,200
SHE COUGHS
27
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:55,640
Nasty cough you got there. Really
nasty. You should see
someone about that.
28
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:58,240
SHE COUGHS
29
00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:01,640
Who's Yvette? You know what, though?
You're right.
30
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,640
From now on, I am gonna be happy
to the point of irritation.
31
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:05,760
Ba ba ba baaa! Oh!
32
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:11,680
Anyway, it can't be eight months.
That'd make me nine
month's pregnant.
33
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,280
And look at me,
I'm not even showing.
34
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:22,480
Louise, you look like Anne Diamond
with Chris Moyles stuffed
up her jumper.
35
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:25,760
That's water retention.
36
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:29,320
Oh...any reason you're hanging
onto Lake Windermere?
37
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:34,080
What are you doing?
I'm sorting the mail. Louise!
38
00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:35,800
Look at all this!
39
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,280
God, there's a red one!
40
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,320
I know, there's tons of them!
41
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:41,560
It's a pretty colour, isn't it?
42
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:44,240
I meant to ask, what
is a repossession order?
43
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,320
They're taking my house!
44
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,400
SHE COUGHS
45
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:57,400
So, bearing in mind I've got to keep
little Corinthian entertained for
the whole morning,
46
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,040
I've got him...
47
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:01,240
Schindler's List!
48
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,960
Gaz! You can't let him watch that!
He's a baby.
49
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,400
But it's got trains in it.
50
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,840
He loves trains. Choo Choo!
51
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:12,160
Did you just say, "Jew, Jew, Jew?"
52
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:17,160
That's sick! I don't know why
you're making such a
big deal, anyway.
53
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:18,840
You're just babysitting.
54
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,240
This is the first time Janet's
let me have him since, you know..?
55
00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:23,400
Argh, argh, argh!
56
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,800
And if I can prove I can
look after Corinthian,
57
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,040
she'll let me have him more often.
Why would you want to do that?
58
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:30,200
Because he's mine...
59
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:32,960
..ute.
60
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:38,240
I love small people. I'd baby-sit
Ronnie Corbett if he'd let me.
61
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:43,200
Not this again.
How many restraining orders has
the little man got to send?
62
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:48,440
You've been reading my diary?
Whatever you do today, don't call me.
I've got to keep the line free.
63
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,600
But what if I've got an emergency?
64
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,800
Gaz, an erection is not an emergency.
65
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,680
It can be. They can explode.
66
00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:00,560
I've ruined many a cardigan.
67
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:01,600
I'm serious.
68
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,760
The nice man with the funny-shaped
head from the brewery
69
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:08,400
is gonna ring to interview
me for the position of area manager.
70
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,880
Fine. No phone calls.
I'm telling you, Gaz,
71
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,680
that interview is my chance to
show my true management potential.
72
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:20,440
My chance to show that I,
Donna Wilkinson, can be the
female Ruth Badger!
73
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:21,760
Let me know how you get on.
74
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:28,120
Now, just need a nice storybook.
75
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,280
No.
76
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,520
No.
77
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:33,760
Oh, definitely not!
78
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,560
Oh, here we are.
79
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,760
That's got little kitty-cats in it.
80
00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:45,520
"Death was a vague idea
81
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,160
but the Pet Cemetery was real..."
82
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:53,320
It's no good. He's still awake.
Well, don't look at me.
83
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,200
Why not? Cos I need to pick my nose.
84
00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,560
BABY CRIES
85
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,680
Oh, yeah. Great,
now you made him cry.
86
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:10,480
Hey, hey. Does baby want to
watch a lickle film about
Uncle Schindler
87
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:15,360
and the merciless
persecution of God's chosen people?
88
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,080
Yeah. Does he?
89
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,120
BABY CRIES
90
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:23,720
Face it, I'm crap at looking after
him. Of course you are, Gaz.
91
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,360
It's not like you're
his real dad. I am...
92
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,280
..Henry the Eighth, I am.
93
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:32,040
Munch, why don't you take a
long walk off a short pier?
94
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:35,400
Well, for one the nearest pier is
40 miles away in Prestatyn.
95
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:38,880
And for two, actually that's
more of a promenade, really.
96
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,520
But I could do you
a long walk to a short pier.
97
00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:45,680
Just go somewhere
and do something dangerous.
98
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,640
OK. I'll go into the kitchen
and eat some glass.
99
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:54,840
OK. Look...son.
100
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:57,880
I'm sorry I'm so crap at all this.
101
00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,240
I just wanted to prove I
could look after you,
102
00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:04,000
so Janet would let us spend more
time together and we
could bond. Da-da!
103
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,880
Do you mind? I'm talking.
104
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,400
I guess that's not gonna
happen now, is it?
105
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,840
What did you just say? Da-da!
106
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:19,320
Daddy!
107
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,040
You called me Daddy.
108
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:22,720
You know who I am! Say it again!
109
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,040
Da-da!
110
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,400
That's amazing! Do it again! Da-da!
111
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,040
I can't believe this!
112
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,680
Do it again!
113
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,640
No rush.
114
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,000
Hey, take your time.
115
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:42,840
Now you're just pissing me about.
116
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:45,240
KNOCK AT DOOR
117
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:54,680
Sir, I hereby serve notice on this
property to begin repossession
proceedings.
118
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,080
Whoa, whoa! You what?
119
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:59,920
I'm here to take the house
and everything valuable in it.
120
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,400
I'm here to take the house.
121
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,320
You must be joking!
122
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:13,520
She's got a baby! You can't
turf her out! I won't let you!
You and who else?
123
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,080
All right, mate?
124
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:19,760
Want some, do you?
125
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:23,840
Well...we can do this another time.
126
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,720
Really? Yeah.
127
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,040
I'll give her another 24 hours.
128
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,560
Only fair.
129
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,320
How can they take my home?
130
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,600
I'll be on the street,
turning tricks!
131
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:44,400
Like one of those dirty little
street magicians!
132
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,040
Get over yourself.
You're so melodramatic.
133
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:50,560
You'll be homeless, too. Me?!
134
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:55,000
I couldn't possibly perish in a
backstreet with my
unborn baby inside me!
135
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,960
It's too Dickensian.
136
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,920
People will be devastated!
Now you're getting it.
137
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:02,320
Right, that's it!
I'll sort this out, Janet.
138
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,520
I'm gonna march down to that
citizens advice bureau
right now
139
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:09,640
and then slip into the pub next
door and find a rich single man!
140
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:11,920
Oh, great. You all right, Janet?
141
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:17,760
Actually, Donna, I'm in a bit of
trouble. It's pretty embarrassing.
142
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:21,400
Janet, I'm your best friend. It's
part of my job to listen. OK.
143
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:25,840
Well, I'm having money trouble and I
know that you've got a decent job...
PHONE RINGS
144
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,880
SHUT YOUR SHITTING FACE NOW!
145
00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:31,120
Sorry. I'm expecting a call.
146
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:34,680
Hello, Donna Wilkinson, pub
landlady and all round marvel.
147
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,640
No, I do not want to
arrange a home visit!
148
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,840
Now, piss off,
I'm keeping the line free!
149
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,520
I love you too, Grandma.
150
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,400
Sorry, what were you saying?
151
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,440
I need to sort my money out.
PHONE RINGS
152
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:50,760
SHUT IT!
153
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:53,520
Hello, Donna Wilkinson...
154
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:58,840
Look, I don't care how many erections
you've had, I'm not coming round!
155
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,840
Yes, I love you too, Grandad.
156
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:10,400
Janet! Guess what Corinthian did?
157
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:11,960
I'll clean it up later.
158
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,640
Good news. I found an answer
to my money trouble!
159
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,400
Really? How? I found
this tub of money!
160
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:22,200
It was just literally just
sitting there on the bar.
161
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:27,960
See, someone's looking
out for us. Right.
162
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,800
I was so chuffed I went
shopping to celebrate!
163
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:34,560
Just a few essentials. Some food, a
new pair of tracksuit bottoms,
164
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:38,560
and one semi-permanent
tattoo of my late husband.
165
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,440
Isn't that Kriss Akabusi?
166
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:48,720
No! It's Jonny. You remember Jonny?
167
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:53,160
Yes. I just don't remember him being
quite so, you know...black.
168
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,960
No, they did it over a bruise.
169
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,080
Oh. Look, while you were out
170
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,600
someone came round to
repossess your house.
171
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,600
You've got 24 hours. Sorry.
172
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,160
What? Hey, it's OK.
173
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:09,040
Hey, this'll cheer you up.
174
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,720
Guess what Corinthian called me?
175
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,680
Daddy!
176
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,720
No!
177
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:19,400
He's so screwed up he's already
forgotten who his real daddy is!
178
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,160
Oh, Corinthian, come on.
Please, don't be mental.
179
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,360
Look, this is your real daddy.
180
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:29,600
Say hello to Daddy! Hello.
Give him a kiss.
181
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:30,800
GO ON, KISS HIM!
182
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:34,040
Yeah, that should straighten
him right out.
183
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:36,320
They can't take my home.
184
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:40,320
Janet, look, I'll take care of you.
Both of you. I swear.
185
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,400
Yeah? How?
186
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:43,560
I'll buy the house - with Donna.
187
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,640
What? Really? Yeah!
188
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,040
You two can stay in the spare room.
And we'll all be under one roof.
189
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:51,160
Happy, like.
190
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:54,240
Why would you wanna
live with a screaming baby?
191
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,440
Because I'm his father...
192
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,760
..'s best friend.
193
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,000
Aw. That's so sweet.
194
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:07,360
Great, now all I've got to do now is
try and convince Donna to move out
of that luxury apartment of mine.
195
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:13,720
What, move out of this dirty little
shit-hole? Yeah, all right, then.
196
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,440
Wow. That was well easy.
197
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,120
I've already found a new place!
198
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,520
You think I'd trust
you to find our next house?
199
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:25,320
Gaz, your idea of the perfect home is
a papier-mache igloo made of
porno magazines.
200
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:30,560
You've been reading my diary again.
Here's what we'll do, OK?
201
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:33,240
We'll find one place each,
then see which is best.
202
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:37,160
I've got only got one bar on my
signal. My place has got everything.
203
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,360
It's got floors. Ceilings... RING!
204
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,200
Corinthian.
205
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,480
What a waste of time.
All morning I was out there.
206
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:50,480
But did I find a rich, single
man to clear Janet's debts?
207
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:55,280
It's Runcorn, I'm going to guess a
big, burly, hairy no.
208
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,080
Actually, yes.
209
00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:59,920
But I accidentally got
off with him myself.
210
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,080
Then I saw his shopping trolley.
211
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:05,360
Turns out he was just
a tramp with a tie on.
212
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,360
It's called a strap-on, sweetheart.
213
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,520
That's it, then. I'm gonna
be sleeping in shop doorways.
214
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,120
People might think I'm one of
those filthy skanks
215
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,840
waiting for the unveiling
of Lily Allen's latest
New Look collection!
216
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,680
All right, girls?
Get out Aidan Thomas!
217
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:26,160
We don't want your sort in here.
You're a bully and a petty criminal
218
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:28,040
and you're deeply unfashionable.
219
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,600
Oh. But I've just been paid.
220
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,360
What can I get you?
221
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,080
My God. Where did
you get all that?
222
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,560
We did over the
Post Office on Church Street.
223
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:41,240
People got hurt. Really?!
Yeah, envelopes are sharp.
224
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:44,040
I've got a really nasty paper cut.
225
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,960
So...rich, are we?
226
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,560
No, Aidan.
227
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,160
Rich and stupid. It gets better.
228
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,920
Come with me, oaf.
229
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:02,360
It's got digital TV
upstairs and down,
230
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:06,080
electric curtains in all the
bedrooms and two en-suite bathrooms.
231
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:08,120
Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.
232
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,160
Sorry?
233
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,680
I just said,
234
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,600
nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.
235
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:17,400
Look. Any questions,
give us a shout.
236
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,760
What a shit-hole!
237
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:23,400
I wouldn't rent this place
out to Chinese cockle pickers!
238
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:29,160
Gaz, what are you on about?
It's got three bedrooms,
a conservatory, a garden.
239
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:32,400
Donna, did you not hear
the nyah, nyah, nyah argument?
240
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:36,720
I want a place with character,
a character we know.
241
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:40,480
A blonde character, with big tits.
242
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,360
That kind of place.
Are you talking about Janet's?
243
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:47,080
Exactly! Exactly like Janet's...
244
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:50,200
blonde, big-titted place.
245
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,600
Gaz, I would rather live
in a hippy commune
246
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,520
inside Debbie McGee's anal cavity.
247
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,320
You've been reading it again.
248
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:03,320
Where's my phone?
I've lost my phone! Oh my God!
249
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,200
What if he rings?!
The man with funny-shaped head!
250
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,800
And I'm not there. He'll
give the interview to somebody else!
251
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:14,280
And I'll be on the career scrapheap!
For the rest of my...
Oh, there it is.
252
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,000
Oh, he's still not rung.
253
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,760
Ring man with funny-shaped head!
254
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:19,600
Ring! Hang on.
255
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,520
Damp.
256
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:26,040
We can't buy a place with damp.
Gaz, did you just lick the wall?
257
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:27,920
No!
258
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,680
Then how come it smells of my vagina?
259
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,760
It's coming from the en-suite,
I'm not living here! Look!
260
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,760
HEAVENLY MUSIC
261
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,360
It's got a magazine rack.
262
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:53,480
For my Men's Health magazines!
263
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,600
You mean your porn.
264
00:14:57,920 --> 00:14:59,000
That's what I said.
265
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:00,240
So, what do you think?
266
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,560
So, what do you reckon, Gaz?
267
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:06,360
Shall we put an offer in? Eh?
268
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:13,400
Donna wait, there's somewhere
else I need you to see.
269
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:21,360
Your place was a death trap.
My knee is completely knackered.
270
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:25,320
Because you kept booting the wall and
crying after you'd seen the bathroom.
271
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,720
Don't speak of the bathroom.
It's dead to me.
272
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:32,000
All right, Donna. Prepare to
see our new dream home!
273
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,440
Just get on with it Gaz.
274
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,760
Ta-da!
275
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,000
Gaz, I've already told
you, I won't live here.
276
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,640
Think about it, we know
what we're getting!
277
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:49,080
Yes, a two-storey cesspool with
all the class and sophistication
of a used condom museum.
278
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,040
No offence, Janet.
279
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:56,200
None taken. I'll get rid of
the condom museum or as Jonny
liked to call it, "The floor."
280
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,280
What the hell is that?
281
00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:02,880
I read you're supposed to bake
bread and put fresh flowers out.
But I couldn't do either.
282
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,320
So, I put some
Mighty White in a vase.
283
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:10,640
Thanks for wasting my time,
I'd better get back to work.
284
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:13,880
Maybe they'll ring on the landline.
Oh, and Gaz... Yes, love?
285
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:19,160
If you agree to buy this place
behind my back, I'll gouge your
balls out with a splintery spoon
286
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,200
and then insert them into your anus.
287
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:25,800
Then, if they fall out again,
I'll take them and ram
them down your throat
288
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:30,920
and tie your larynx in a
knot, so you can't swallow them and
ingest their meaty goodness.
289
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:34,440
OK, love.
290
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:40,720
Well, that was promising.
291
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:43,920
It's over! My home!
292
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,800
I'm going to lose everything!
293
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,320
Hey! You won't.
294
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,160
I'll make sure of it.
295
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,840
All this...
296
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:55,040
it's made me realise...
297
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,600
I want to protect you.
298
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,960
In a matey way, obviously.
299
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,640
Yes. Obviously.
300
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:06,080
I know how to get
Donna to buy this place!
301
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:11,320
Right. And does it involve
house deeds, Rohypnol and a
pen covered in superglue? No!
302
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,640
Although that is better.
303
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:19,920
Wow.
304
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:24,840
If I wasn't about to marry you off
to my penniless, ever so slightly
bat-shit mental best friend,
305
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:27,240
I'd have you myself.
306
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,680
Hold on a second,
I'm not looking for a wife.
307
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:33,720
If you want to be in Runcorn's
mafia, you need someone
by your side.
308
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,360
Look at that David bloke.
309
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:39,280
He wouldn't have got anywhere
without that dog on his arm.
Who, Beckham?
310
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:40,840
No! Blunkett!
311
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:44,720
You need a partner.
312
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,200
Do you think so?
Yes, you slow lummox!
313
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,880
Look, why don't we just
pop round and see her?
314
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:54,680
Well, I was going to...
I'm telling you, she'd makes the
perfect criminal's wife.
315
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,360
Blonde, big tits,
slightly leathery skin
316
00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:02,280
and one enormous pre-lubricated
cavity for drug smuggling.
317
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,720
Exactly how enormous are we talking?
318
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:14,000
Why is everything going
wrong for me?
319
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,040
First, I lose my husband!
320
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:17,480
Now, my house!
321
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:22,400
My life is one big
disaster type-thing!
322
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,480
Even that metaphor went wrong!
323
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:27,840
KEYS JINGLE
No, It's them!
324
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:32,280
No! You're not taking my home you
big evil, house-stealing...
325
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:34,480
I can't even do insults!
326
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:38,360
Janet, this is Aidan.
327
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,920
Oh, hello.
328
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,120
He's going to be your new husband.
329
00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:47,400
What? Aw, look at you two. You can't
keep your hands off each other.
330
00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:01,000
OK, this is getting a little weird.
331
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,560
I'll leave you love birds to it.
332
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:08,960
I'm so sorry about her.
Don't be. It's fine.
333
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,720
So are you.
334
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,160
Oh. Cheers.
335
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,720
Not so bad yourself.
336
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,000
Do you fancy a spit-roast?
337
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,040
What?!
338
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,880
Oh, my God! You're an animal,
a pervert!
339
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,200
How dare you?
Yes, all right, then.
340
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:31,080
Curse him!
341
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:33,280
Stupid man from the brewery!
342
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,720
With his stupid shaped head!
343
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:38,360
He didn't ring about the
interview then?
344
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:39,920
It's not fair!
345
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:43,400
I'm management material!
I can motivate people!
346
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,760
Now, I'm gonna be stuck in this
crappy pub for the rest of my life,
347
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:48,440
with shit staff for shit money!
348
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:53,520
I thought you liked it here.
I thought we were friends.
349
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,280
I'll just be out the back,
self-harming.
350
00:19:56,280 --> 00:20:00,360
Yeah. Masturbate all you want,
it doesn't matter any more.
351
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:05,520
You see, if I can get Donna
to buy that house,
352
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:09,080
Janet won't get kicked out and I
can spend more time with my son...
353
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,640
dance film festival DVD collection.
354
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,440
Here's what you do.
355
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:19,840
Tell Donna, Janet's place is built
on the site of an ancient gold mine.
356
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,600
Munch, she's not an idiot.
357
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,240
Can I have a word?
358
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:30,440
You can have five.
We're not buying Janet's house.
359
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,000
No, what if I was to tell you
360
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:37,200
it was built on the site
of an ancient gold mine!
361
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:44,920
Then I'd tell you that there'll be
severe structural problems
to the foundations,
362
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:48,000
making the property both
uninsurable and uninhabitable,
363
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:52,000
not to mention the fact that the
remarkable nature of said mine
364
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:56,000
would render any gold therein
property of the National Trust.
365
00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:00,080
Did I say goldmine? I meant...
366
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,520
ice cream factory.
367
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,880
We're not buying that crappy house!
368
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:10,240
I might not have got the job
but we're not that desperate.
369
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,280
No. You're right, Donna.
We're not that desperate.
370
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:21,240
But Janet is. They're repossessing
her house. She's got 24 hours till
she loses everything. What? Yeah.
371
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,400
Oh, God.
372
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,840
I can't believe I'm
actually saying this but...
373
00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:28,760
OK, fine, yeah.
374
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:34,480
We'll buy Janet's house. It's not
like things can get any shittier.
Yes. I love you! Thank you.
375
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:38,360
Wow. That was exhilarating.
376
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:40,280
You might want to give it a rinse.
377
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:47,760
Wow! You can't
beat a good spit-roast.
378
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,160
You really stuffed it in my mouth.
379
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:54,080
Sorry about that. I get
a bit carried away.
380
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:58,440
Don't be. It was lovely.
381
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:01,000
I like a man who can steal a pig.
382
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,760
Yeah. And you're a sweet girl.
383
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,080
Not like all them
other slags I'm boning.
384
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:09,640
Ah, bless you.
385
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,000
What I'm trying to say is...
386
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,320
I'm glad your mental
mate brought me over.
387
00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:19,960
I'm glad too. It's just nice to
meet someone who's interested in me.
388
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,840
Not just my money and my pigs.
389
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:30,480
Would it be OK if...if I snogged you?
390
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,800
Have you got any condoms?
391
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,200
No, I can't any.
I'm completely skint.
392
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,400
I'm sure I can find some.
393
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,040
Ooh! Ooh!
394
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,360
Sorry about this.
395
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:51,400
Maybe I should buy some.
396
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,880
No, I wouldn't want you
to blow your wad on me.
397
00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:00,200
To our new dream home.
398
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,840
Ah, we're gonna have some
good times in that place.
399
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:06,600
Yes. The two of us, gathered
around that blocked drain,
400
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,680
shooing the crack
dealers out of the garden.
401
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:12,520
It's not that bad.
All it needs is a lick of paint.
402
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:16,800
No, Gaz, all it needs is a lick of
paint-thinner and a dropped match.
403
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,440
Louise! Guess what..?
404
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,280
We're buying Janet's house.
405
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:27,600
No, you're not. She's not selling
any more. I found her a rich man.
You what? She's got a new bloke?
406
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:30,720
Which means we won't
be needing your hand-outs, anymore.
407
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:34,080
Oh! Free champagne!
408
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,600
I dunno why you're so happy.
How do you mean?
409
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:40,280
If Janet has shacked up with some
fella, she's not gonna want
you there?
410
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:41,680
Playing the gooseberry.
411
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:45,640
Donna, when have I ever
played the gooseberry?
412
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:50,840
In all the years we've been friends
and you've been with Gaz and
Janet's been with Jonny
413
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,840
and I've been sat on my own in the
corner crying to myself,
414
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,000
when have you ever known
me to play the...
415
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,920
SHE SCREAMS
416
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:05,080
I can't believe she's found someone
already. What about Corinthian?
417
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,080
I'm not having some
strange man around my boy...
418
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:12,320
..sterous wife's best friend's baby.
Come on. Munch, heel.
419
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:17,840
It is so kind of you
to lend me all this.
420
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:19,360
How can I ever repay you?
421
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:21,920
By repaying me.
422
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:24,920
Mm. Old school.
423
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,080
Put the money down and
step away from the widow!
424
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:30,800
Louise, what are you doing?
425
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:32,840
Janet, you're vulnerable right now.
426
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:35,920
With your concrete husband
and your creepy tattoo.
427
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,240
There is nothing
creepy about my tattoo!
428
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,120
You were married to Kriss Akabusi?
429
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:43,720
What's he really like?
430
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,760
I was not married to Kriss Akabusi.
I was married to him.
431
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:50,400
You're quite weird.
432
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,640
Janet, the point is,
you're a single mum.
433
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:56,280
You've got to get used
to looking after yourself.
434
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:59,640
Janet! Don't worry, I'm
here to look after you now.
435
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:05,480
What's wrong with you people?
436
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,480
Nothing, I...oh!
437
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:13,520
I don't know what your game is
but you'll never fill Jonny's shoes.
438
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:15,560
Mainly because we
burned him in them.
439
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,760
You're all a bunch of freaks.
440
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,680
Mm, glass.
441
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,440
No, Aidan!
442
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,640
Donna, your phone's bubbling.
443
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:38,400
The interview!! It's him!
444
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:42,160
Hello, Donna Wilkinson. Yeah.
445
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,880
Really?
446
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:48,040
Well, cheers for letting me know. OK.
447
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,280
Bad news, cheap shoes?
448
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:55,440
You know the man with
the funny-shaped head?
449
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,360
Turns out it was a brain tumour.
He died. Horribly.
450
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,560
Jesus, Mary and J-lo.
451
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:08,000
But I got the interview! That's
the reason he didn't call!
He was dying!
452
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,680
Donna, that's awful. I know!
453
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:13,520
Does the man not have a secretary?
More champagne?
454
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:16,960
Hey you lot!
Guess what, I got the interview!
455
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:20,280
Nice one, wife! Oh, yeah. I'm
happy for you. Are you all right?
456
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,800
I'm skint, Donna. I'm homeless.
457
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:24,880
I'm gonna be the Littlest Hobo!
458
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:29,120
Janet, you won't be The Littlest
Hobo. That'll be Corinthian.
459
00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:31,120
Oh, God!
460
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:34,320
Oh, this is great news! Me and
Donna, we've been talking and...
461
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,920
And there's no way of saying this
without vomiting in my own mouth
462
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:44,360
but, Janet, we would
like to...buy your house.
463
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:46,880
What! Really?
464
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:50,520
I'm afraid so. Donna, that is the
best thing a friend could do!
465
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:51,560
Don't mention it.
466
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:56,120
I'm sure that you and Corinthian
and Louise will be very,
very happy in Gaz's flat.
467
00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:57,800
What?
468
00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:00,680
I thought we could live together.
All of us.
469
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,360
You, me, Janet, Corinthian...
470
00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:03,400
Louise!
471
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,480
Give or take Louise.
472
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:12,600
Gaz, we're buying a new house,
not a dysfunctional family. We can
make one of those ourselves. Right.
473
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:15,760
Oh, and Janet. I don't want
you to worry about paying rent.
474
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:17,640
Oh. Thanks Donna, that's really...
475
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:22,880
Which is why we'll set up a
direct debit. Saves me getting
bailiffs involved. To new beginnings!
476
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:31,640
I miss this place.
You should come and visit.
477
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:35,480
Yeah, you too. Whenever you want.
Night or day.
478
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:37,960
It's important to
remember the little things.
479
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:40,080
You're right. All the smells.
480
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:43,960
And the sounds. And the feel.
481
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,040
And the eyes.
482
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:49,120
And the arms.
483
00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:52,000
And lips.
38050
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