Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour.

You've done nothing about the wedding.

Have you done anything for this wedding? I've done everything.

You'll love it. Here we have... Jonny cake! Jonny flowers!

Jonfetti!

I can't wait to see Donna's face!

give me a drink

with bubbles in it

anything stronger now Just think I'll wait a while

Well, you look beautiful...

That's it, in ten minutes' time I will officially own you.

You're my be-atch.

My beautiful be-atch.

I'm your be-atch.

I'm looking forward to this, you know, Gaz.

We've been through a lot, I wasn't sure we'd get here... Yeah, I know,

sat-nav's shit!

Gaz, that's a calculator.

Listen... I just wanted to say

that I'm really happy to be marrying you, Gaz Wilkinson.

Me too, Donna in-a-minute Wilkinson.

And I know I said I wasn't bothered about the actual wedding, but I am.

Thank you, Gaz. I know this is going to be a day I remember for the rest of my life.

Oh, I think it's pretty safe to say it will be.

You've been amazing, Gaz.

OK? Bouquet!

Oh.

Oh.

Let it go, eh? Yeah. Shall we?

Wedding March by Mendelssohn

Donna, please just try and stay calm.

It's our special day.

What the hell...

..is going on?

Oh, Donna! I'm so happy for you!

Thank you for letting me help with the wedding! It really took my mind off Jonny.

Yes, I can see that.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate

the marriage of Gary Wilkinson and Donna Louise Henshaw.

It is a day to rejoice. A day to celebrate love, happiness.

And obviously Jonny Keogh.

Donna, don't. I'm sorry. But will you look at this place?!

What is this? Donna...please.

Let's just get through the ceremony. That's the important part.

I love you.

Us being married is what's important. Not all this, all these decorations.

I'm so sorry, I might have got carried away. I just want you and Gaz to be happy.

You're right.

I'm sorry. We've got the rest of our lives, this is just one day, so please carry on.

OK. Gary Wilkinson, do you take Donna Louise Henshaw to be your lawful wedded wife?

To have and to hold, in sickness and in health,

for richer for poorer, until death do you part? I do.

And do you, Jonny, take... What?!

I can't believe Donna! I'm grieving, I shouldn't be spoken to like that.

She said it was a pantomime!

She called me Widow Skanky. And she ripped my beautiful dress.

There were tits literally everywhere. Everywhere.

Yeah, maybe I should have warned you it wouldn't go down well.

But it was too funny.

You knew?! You knew it was going to end in disaster?

Yeah, I know! Donna's face!

That must be the first secret you've ever kept in your life.

You're less discreet than an incontinence pad under leggings.

And I should know.

What are you blabbering on about?

I've kept loads of secrets.

Like that time my friend Karen from uni was having an affair with our married tutor.

You told his wife.

Even so, Karen didn't hold a grudge.

She said so in her suicide note.

Fine. Forever more, I won't tell even one little secret.

It was bad, wasn't it?

I really went a bit far with the Jonny theme. You're completely obsessed with him!

It's not like you were married or anything.

Yes, we were.

Well, it wasn't that serious or anything.

We have a child.

But you're right. I need to move on.

Why don't you get rid of his stuff? Do you think that'd help?

Dunno. But I need more wardrobe space.

You can start with this box of his old love letters. No!

Shouldn't I keep these to remember him by?

His tender words of love, like "blow hole" and "chuff ring".

You don't need material possessions to remind you of Jonny,

you've got that rash.

Oh, my God!

What? Nothing. I was startled by those.

Why?

It's a secret! Ha! Fine.

I'll get some of his stuff together for the charity shop. He had loads of precious things people can use.

His flannel, his toothbrush.

That candle he made from Corinthian's ear wax.

Can't keep a secret, indeed.

Well, Corinthian, they're not finding out from me who your real father is.

What's up with you? I've got TB. It might be catching, so move away.

No, I meant to, like, Bootle.

That's it. That's the last angry wank you're gonna give me.

The poor thing looks like a newborn mole.

Well, I'm in a mood.

I was thinking about me and Janet the whole time. Ooh!

Don't say it, Gaz. She must be completely insane!

I feel for her, but enough is enough.

Donna, why don't you just bury the hatchet?

If Jonny's death has taught us anything, apart from try not to get eaten by a shark,

it's that life is too short for silly arguments.

You're right. I'll speak to her.

It's weird, innit? I wore this suit for Jonny's wedding, and now he's dead.

I don't think your suit had anything to do with it. It's polyester, not Kryptonite.

I'm just saying, it makes you realise,

you never know when that big beardy bastard in the sky will come after you.

Richard Branson?

Jonny's death made me think.

I should try and do the things that I want to do while I've still got a chance. Gaz, how many more times?

Rabbis are not collectors' items.

No, I'm gonna make a list of three things I really want to do before I die.

Is it the Sugababes?

Six things that I really want to do before I die.

Jonny was so very fashionable.

He was the first person in Runcorn to have dreadlocks.

I did tell him to trim his pubes.

He nicknamed the area "The Fugees".

That's lovely, Janet, but this place is not helping me keep my very important secret.

The walls have hearing aids.

Has Donna said something about me?

She has, hasn't she? Normally, I would tell you,

but as you seem to think I'm untrustworthy, I'm keeping this to myself.

Janet, Louise texted me to say you'd be here.

Can't even keep that to yourself. Actually I have a massive, massive secret

that I'm not going to tell you. I just... It truly is enormous!

I wanted to say...

ska-a-urgh.

Ska-a-a-urgh?

No, I wanted to tell you

that I ga-a-argh. Oh, I can't say it!

What is that?

Jonny's favourite butt-plug.

Woo!

Married sex is brilliant!

No wonder Judy Finnigan looks so knackered all the time.

And may I just say, my beautiful bride...

Thank you for letting me take you up the aisle.

And for helping me tick the first thing off my list.

What? Make love to your new bride on our wedding night?

No, gay-lord!

To star in my own porno!

Come out now, Munch!

Hiyaaaa!

You filmed us having sex?!

I thought I could hear coughing!

That's why you're wearing make-up.

That's one of the reasons. Aren't you chuffed?

You've been the star of Here Bums The Bride!

This is the happiest day of my life.

That was the naughtiest thing I ever did watch.

I've never seen anyone open a jar of Branston like that before.

Get out!

Donna, number one on my list was to become a porn star.

You really object to me achieving a lifelong ambition? For shame.

What?! And you've still not made up with Janet! For shame.

I tried, I couldn't!

I couldn't speak! You've practically ignored her since Jonny died - what's the matter with you?

Cos I'm scared. I can't talk to her any more.

I can only go "thu-u-urgh".

Since Jonny died, it's like...

Listen, when my mum died,

it was the bleakest time of my life. My heart actually hurt. I thought I was going to die from the pain.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because, as I recall, you were busy stuffing yourself up my best friend.

Point taken. And to revisit those times,

to see Janet go through so much worse.

It's like...

If you died...

You know, your husband...

I can't take it. I understand.

I am marvellous.

But you've got to try and get through this.

Try and get used to it, spend some time around death,

in an abattoir

or one of Runcorn's popular suicide hot spots.

Maybe I could work in that charity shop.

That's full of decrepit old farts not long for the world.

They'd help me see that death rules! That's the spirit!

You know, one day you'll make someone a lovely husband.

Is it today? Yes. Yes! Come here.

Now, I've only got two things on my list left to do!

Next, I'm gonna drive the car of my dreams - a Ford Mondeo...

Oooh!

And then I'm gonna cure my phobia of...you know, them.

SHE BLEATS

Dead Jonny, I found your letter from the hospital.

I know you had a DNA test done on Corinthian! And I know you're not his dad,

but I promise I won't tell anyone. Well, apart from you.

But you're made of concrete.

Wow, I feel so much better now.

Thanks so much for helping us out, Donna.

We don't get many volunteers.

Thank YOU! You're really helping me get desensitised to death,

being old, probably ill, rotting away on the inside.

DOOR OPENS I'm healthy as the day!

CHOKING Unlike this poor chap.

All right, Donna. What are you doing here?

Have I gone to the pub by mistake?

It's this bloody sat-nav Gaz sold me.

It just says "boobies".

Munch, you should be in bed. I'll have a look while I'm here.

Who died?

How much is this?

Just take it! Don't touch anything else - I don't want your germs.

Wicked! That means I've got enough left for that hedgehog.

I won't starve tonight! See ya. Hiya, Janet. Hi, Munch.

Hello, Donna.

Janet, I've been thinking. I've not been the most supportive friend.

It's just...

It's grief - it reminds me of what I went through and...

..I don't think I ever grieved properly for my mum's death,

and death...gets to me.

Can you understand?

Death gets to you?! You think your mum dying is comparable to what I've been through?

Well, yeah. There was people wearing black, and a coffin, a big fire -

the situations are pretty similar.

They are not! They're completely different!

You lost a parent. You expect to lose those, they die all the time.

You don't expect to lose your husband at this age, with a baby to look after!

Well, I'm sorry. I just thought... Well, you thought wrong.

I hope you never have to go through what I'm going through. I couldn't give a shit how sorry you are.

You're both a cad and a scoundrel. Good day.

Don't you go 18th century on my arse!

I can't believe I'm being insulted by a woman

who once had sex with a Turkey Twizzler!

Keep your voice down!

I don't want Jamie Oliver finding out. And yeah, I know Jonny's dead.

And I know it's really sad, but for God's sake....

I'm grieving! Oh, you're always grieving.

Yes! Because my husband is dead.

Well, cope then. Cope! That's what I did.

Can't cope. Do you understand? I can't.

Don't worry, love. You'll make it up. I don't care about her.

It's just that charity work is so overwhelming.

Aw. There, there.

Don't you touch me with your hands of death!

Death is just a part of life, Donna.

You would say that,

dead gran walking.

You're too sensitive, dear.

Why do you think there were so few suicides during the war, Donna?

Because we shut off our emotions and just got on with it. Didn't let things get to us.

That, and the fact that, faced with impending doom,

we were more inclined to try anal.

You're right.

I can shrug off my emotions. I can just carry on stony-faced.

And we already know

you can do anal.

Bitch!

Slag!

No, Gaz, not you. You know, I've had it with friendship.

I need to find myself a man.

Do you? Yeah, I do. I'm lonely.

I want to part of a couple again, feel a man's arms around me.

I've got arms. Yes, you do, Gaz. Very nice arms.

Two of them, in fact. But you are married. And so is Tim.

Alas! I've not been able to satisfy Helena

since she watched Warrior Princess.

So that leaves me with Arthur...

..or Gary from the chip shop. He's only got one eye.

He puts a pickled onion in the empty socket for special occasions.

CORINTHIAN CRIES Hey, it's OK.

He's been like this all day. Nothing's settling him. It's like he's possessed or...

CRYING STOPS Oh!

Dadda!

Aw! I love babies, me.

They make me feel better about my own tendency to slobber.

Do you like my new tracky?

It really suits you.

You look so...

..long.

And you smell so...

..strong. Munch, would you like to come back to ours for some tea?

You what?! You can't be serious!

You'll have to chew everything for him first! Have a drink with me!

Look, Gaz, I know it sounds crazy but I never noticed before just how...

He's so much like Jonny.

Fish finger butties all right, Munch?

Brilliant! Omega 3!

You can have me takeaway.

Right, well, I'm off to drive the car of my dreams. Is that a dead hedgehog?

Nope, a Ford Mondeo.

It's a Ford Mondeo! Let this baby rip! Come on!

SQUELCH!

No emotion.

Cool and calm.

Oh, my God, is this dog shit?!

Yes, it is, cool and calm.

No emotion.

Donna! Shit!

Hello, hubby. Are you all right, love?

Yes, I'm very well, thank you.

I was achieving my dreams.

I've done all three now.

I've done porno, driven a Mondeo... But what about...

BAA-AA-AAA!

Good day.

I've done everything!

Porn, car, sheep. I don't feel satisfied.

Help me out, Donna.

Well, would it be viable and indeed welcome for me to posit my feelings on this existential dilemma?

Go on.

Er-r-r-r-bleugh.

Also, I have to wax my top lip,

otherwise I'm like Magnum PI,

as played by Tom Selleck.

Keeping secrets with you is such fun!

And don't worry, I'll never spill about Corinthian...

Hi, Louise! I've got a date, so can you... SHE WHISTLES

Of course I can whistle.

Don't worry, it's only TB.

God! TB! That's awful!

There's a very important little person in the room, Munch -

me!

It's really nice to get to know you a bit better, Munch. I've missed having a man around the house.

Louise has that moustache she thinks we don't know about, but it's not the same.

I've not been on many dates before.

I'm not very good at talking to girls.

Aw! Is it the phlegm? Do you get embarrassed?

No, I get erect.

I'm banned from the swimming baths.

And the gym. The cinema. All farms.

Most kennels.

So, you've not had many girlfriends, then?

No, but I'm experienced.

When I was a kid, I used to practise kissing with Jenny.

Aw, was Jenny your girlfriend?

My turtle.

And yes.

Ugh, that Vimto's off.

Jonny... I mean, Munch.

Kiss me, you fool!

I don't want to be alone any more.

Donna, do you think I look like a homosexual gentleman in this top?

Arthur's been making advances.

SHE GRUNTS What about when I do this?

Step, step, shimmy.

Tim, do you give a shit?

Ooh, you bitch!

You're like Joan Collins in...

..The Bitch. From now on, I am the Ice Queen.

I no longer have emotions,

like a female Anne Robinson. Oh, shiver.

And I definitely don't feel bad about Janet. Nope.

I don't give a shit about anything any more. Well,

someone's written, "Donna's got a cock" in the ladies' toilets.

It doesn't matter.

It was me. It doesn't matter.

And I drew a diagram.

It...doesn't...matter. OK, I'll go and give it boobs,

or not.

Has anybody got any bleach?

Janet's trying to seduce Munch and he's got TB!

He was coughing all over Corinthian, it was quite revolting.

Tuberculosis?

That's deadly! Shit!

But what about my secret that I'm not going to tell you?

Ah, Gaz!

I've completed my list -

I feel just like Schindler.

I've got a secret but I'm not telling you. For once, I'm going to do the right thing.

Yes, we already know you're pregnant.

No! Not that, you meaty thumb-head.

You know, you're so lucky, Louise.

I've just completed a list of lifelong ambitions,

but all this list has really done is make me realise the one thing that I want more than anything

is the one thing I can't have.

Awww.

An afro?

No, Louise. I'm talking about family.

I just wish I could have a son.

I'd be such a good dad. It breaks my heart

to think that that's never, ever going to happen for me.

Mmmmmmm!

Oh, be gentle with me, Munch. I'm sensitive.

Oi!

Tits first - I'm not a slag.

Oh, God! Are you all right? Are you having a stroke?

They're like bags of glue.

Janet! Stop! Munch, get out of here!

It's all right. I've finished anyway.

He's got TB. It's deadly, you could die, Corinthian could die. What?!

It's tuberculosis, Janet. What's tuberculosis?

TB, you idiot!

TB means tummy bug.

I've got a bit of a tummy bug.

Oh...

Well, I'll be on my way. Carry on. Donna, wait. Munch, you can go.

Aww!

I never got me fish fingers.

Oh, yes, I did.

Janet, I'm really sorry I'm scared of death. Donna, I'm sorry I ruined your wedding day.

I'm really sorry. I'm more sorry. I'm sorriest.

Because I just got ubba-sst Jonny.

THEY BOTH SQUEAK INCOMPREHENSIBLY

I've no idea what we're saying to each other. Me neither.

But I love you, Donna. I love you too.

And I don't need a man at all. I need you.

You've been through this with your mum. I need my best friend.

I'll always be there for you. I'll help.

Nothing'll come between us again, OK?

That's so not a good look for you.

I never knew you had a moustache.

DNA test! Jonny not father! Letter.

Hospital. Corinthian yours! Can't stop talking! Argh!

Does Janet know? No.

I haven't said anything, to anyone.

I wanted to show I could keep a secret,

and I think I've proven I can.

Ohhhh.

Oh, my God!

This is amazing! I've got a son!

I've got to tell Janet! Oh, Louise!

Suck my semi-functioning balls.

Oh, Corinthian!

You're the best reminder of your daddy I could possibly have.

Now, let's light one of Daddy's candles

and fill our home with the warming scent of ears.

Janet...Janet...

Look, I need to talk to you about Jonny. No, Gaz, you really don't.

I'm fine. We're fine. No, no, you don't understand!

Jonny took a test before he died. Yeah, I know.

Mensa - they turned him down. But he got in to the Newsround Press Packers. I was so proud.

No, listen! Please, Gaz! I'm all right.

I don't need to talk about Jonny to keep his memory alive.

All I need is Corinthian, his son.

As long as I have him, Jonny will always be a part of our lives.

Yeah. I'll always be here for him. And for you.

Aw, thanks, Gaz.

I'll put the kettle on. Yeah.

Hey.

You all right, son?

We're family now.

Yeah.

Suck my semi-functioning balls.

I hereby serve notice on this property

to begin repossession proceedings.

I'm going to be on the street, turning tricks.

She's got a baby! You can't just turf her out!

I'm going to lose everything.

This is Aiden. Hello...

Do you fancy a spit roast? What?!

Oh, my God, you're an animal, a pervert! How dare you?!

Yes, all right, then.

Put the money down and step away from the widow.

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now