Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,360
I want some proper male company.
D'you want your job back?
2
00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:06,920
No, I want your job.
Do you wanna move in with us?
3
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:08,640
Well, duh!
4
00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:10,880
Greetings, Mr Wilkinson.
5
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:12,680
I have returned!
6
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:13,920
Munch!
7
00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:16,840
This programme contains adult humour
8
00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:25,280
with bubbles in it
9
00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:31,560
handle anything stronger now
10
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:37,440
I'll have a pint of lager, please
11
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,520
Two pints of bitter.
And what's yours?
12
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,080
I'll have a pint...
Not you. That's nepotism.
13
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,560
No, it's not, it's a fiver.
14
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:54,800
Wait your turn.
I'm rushed off my feet.
15
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,560
Well, Donna...
16
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,320
does this change your mind at all?
17
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:00,960
Even just a little bit?
I just wondered. No...
18
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:06,280
Oh, my God! I know!
19
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:07,880
My ring! Is it real?
20
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:12,480
No, Donna, it's fake.
I bought it off a leprechaun
and paid in moonbeams
21
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,480
Of course it's real, you idiot.
It's Elizabeth Duke.
22
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:22,320
My God! I just thought, seeing as
how the registry office is booked...
23
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:27,600
Oh, yeah. In all the excitement
about getting engaged, I'd forgotten
I'll actually have to marry you.
24
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,320
Tim! Tim! Look!
25
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:33,600
Oh, it's as classy as
Danielle Lloyd's boob job.
26
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:38,000
Donna, were your ears
burning last night?
No, why, were you talking about me?
27
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:44,360
No, I thought your ears might have
been burning from the friction of
your huge hair. Suck it, sister!
28
00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:47,800
Tim, you can't talk to me like that.
I'm your boss.
29
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:51,720
Oh, come on, you love it! You need
the skin of a rhino in this job.
30
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:54,760
Oh, you already have one. Two words.
31
00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:57,080
"Night cream". Suck it, sister.
32
00:01:57,080 --> 00:02:01,360
Tim! Just one more bitchy word
from you and I'm gonna sack you.
33
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:05,280
Oh, I'm terrified
Watch me run away sarcastically.
34
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:12,560
I shouldn't have to
put up with disrespectful staff. At
least you're here to support me.
35
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,320
Suck it, sister!
36
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,920
He's a one, isn't he, eh?
Blow jobs are funny.
37
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:21,800
Gaz, I need your support on this.
38
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:24,480
They're funny and extremely tasty.
Gaz!
39
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:29,200
My job's demanding, we're
supposed to be getting married in
a week and we've done nothing.
40
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,480
Donna, don't worry about the
wedding. I'll take care of it.
41
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:36,320
Thanks, that'd be a real weight
off my mind. Just do one little
thing for me.
42
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:39,160
Is it a blow job?
43
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,920
You're like psychic.
How could you know that?
44
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:47,000
OK, you organise the wedding -
nothing fancy, mind, just a low-key
affair with splashes of cream -
45
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,360
and I'll give you as many blow jobs
as you like. Just the one'll do.
46
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:55,080
Nothing fancy, mind, just a low-key
affair with splashes of cream.
Deal.
47
00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,120
Yeah! Sweet!
48
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:02,640
And Mummy will always
be there for you.
49
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,680
But who's this?
50
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:07,680
Why, it's Daddy!
51
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,040
Hello, Corinthian.
52
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:15,040
What's that smell?
Have you messed yourself?
53
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:18,000
Don't worry, Son, so have I.
54
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,600
Jonny, you're so silly!
55
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:25,320
I am not silly! In fact, this week, I
intend to become a farmer. Good day.
56
00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:31,280
Well, this isn't at all creepy
What are you talking about?
57
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:34,760
What are you doing?
You're confusing your baby.
58
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,640
And my baby. And me.
59
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:40,240
And the invisible people who
live within my head.
60
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:46,480
But I don't want Corinthian to
forget about Jonny, so I'm going to
remind him on a daily basis. Look!
61
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,160
Daddy's favourite pin-up.
62
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:55,840
Mother Teresa was Jonny's
favourite pin-up? No, silly,
his pin-up's on the back.
63
00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,960
Well, I've got to go for a scan...
64
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:03,240
of my baby. I'm going to find
out the sex. I'm so excited!
65
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,960
Louise, don't you want it
to be a surprise?
66
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:11,520
I'll be surprised by the birth!
I've heard the words "involuntary
anal expulsion" mentioned.
67
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:15,000
LOUISE LAUGHS
It'll be like a colonic!
68
00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,920
Ciao!
69
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,960
KNOCKING
Oh!
70
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,360
Oh, hi! Memorial stone? Jonny Keogh?
71
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,320
Yes, that's us. How exciting!
72
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:32,040
How frigging massive.
73
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:37,880
Yeah! Thanks for that.
74
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:41,240
Apparently, once you get married,
oral sex goes out of the window.
75
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,120
Kinky!
76
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,840
No, I mean it goes up the spout.
77
00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,520
Christ! Will it fit?
78
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:52,800
I mean, once you get married, you
don't have oral sex any more. Oh.
79
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,240
Are you sure you want to marry me?
80
00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:58,360
After our cheese and wine party
in the pool room, definitely.
81
00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,840
Ah, well,
you didn't whine that much!
82
00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:03,400
Just get it organised.
83
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:07,880
Greetings, fair brother.
Munch, brilliant.
84
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,320
Listen, I need a best man, right?
CHIMING
85
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,360
Om.
86
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:17,760
Why are you doing that? Because it's
written. Eh?! Where's it written?
87
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,520
Birmingham.
88
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,560
You've changed since
you've been away.
89
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:26,080
I have travelled far
and wide and become a
much more learned-lier person.
90
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:31,640
The places I've seen,
the people I've met, they taught
me the path of righteousness.
91
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,960
And it has led me back...
92
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,920
to Runcorn.
93
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:39,320
Well, it's as good a place as any.
Who were these people, then?
94
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:44,440
The people of the word. What word?
All right?
95
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,760
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must
partake of some refreshment.
96
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,520
I'll get you a Vimto. Donna! Vimto.
FINGERS CLICK
97
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,280
I don't drink alcohol any more.
98
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:59,400
Vimto isn't alc...
Shhh now, little one.
99
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:03,320
You can't tempt me. Om.
100
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,720
But I need a best man.
And I want my brother back.
101
00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:10,160
The one who dipped his toast in
battery acid cos it tasted "stingy".
102
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:16,640
The one who cried when
he saw a naked lady
cos her dinky had fallen off.
103
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,480
He hath gone.
104
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:22,800
I do not know of whom you
speak...eth.
105
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:26,040
I'm gonna clout you if you don't
stop this. Get this down you. No!
106
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:30,160
Get it down you! Have it. Have it!
Go on, son, have that.
107
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,600
Aaargh!
108
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:41,200
HE BREATHES NOISILY
Hiya!
109
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:50,320
Well, Miss Brooks, you
wanted to know the sex, didn't you?
LOUISE GASPS
110
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,440
Yes! Yes! Is it a boy?
111
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,880
I've been eating oranges.
112
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:59,880
Actually, recent reports suggest
that diet doesn't affect
the baby's sex.
113
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:04,320
What are you talking about?
I just thought you'd like
to know what I had for breakfast.
114
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,880
Well, I'm pleased to say you're
having a healthy baby girl. What?!
115
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:11,080
But I hate girls! I wanted a boy!
116
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,160
Go on, get out! Shoo!
117
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,360
Listen, right,
it's good to have you back,
118
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,480
but women do
not want to stroke that.
119
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,040
But it's really soft.
120
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:29,840
It's like a pony's nose. Come on.
121
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:33,200
Donna, I'll see you later. I'm
just gonna organise this wedding.
122
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,440
Will it be featured in "Hello!"?
And? What?
123
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:42,160
I was waiting for the bitchiness -
"Will it be featured in Hello! or
Horse And Hound?"
124
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,800
"Will it be featured in "Hello!"
under 'What ARE they wearing?' "
125
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,640
"Will it be featured in "Hello!"
or "Hi, my name is Tim.
126
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,400
"Insert bitchy gayness that makes
Donna feel bad about herself here?"
127
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:56,680
Pardon? You're making my job hell.
You're bullying me.
128
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,880
I'm not a bully. You antagonise me!
129
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,920
I am not an antagoniser. You're a
typical man. I am not a m...
130
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,840
Well, just lay off, Tim, OK?
Life's hard enough at the minute.
131
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:13,480
I've got my job, my wedding, I
missed Diagnosis Murder yesterday...
132
00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:17,920
Oh, I'm sorry, Donna. I'll be nice.
Thanks.
133
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:24,080
Cos I'd have got Gaz to tear you a
new arsehole if you weren't.
But you'd probably enjoy that.
134
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:28,720
Gaz? That melon-headed Neanderthal
you let poke your fuzzy bits?
135
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,720
Why are they together? Is it pity?
136
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,040
Is it desperation? We'll never know,
137
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:40,760
cos when we ask them,
they merely grunt and
sniff each other's arse cracks.
138
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:42,800
Bugger.
139
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,200
Timothy? Yes, Donna?
140
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,320
You're fired!
Pick up your stuff and go.
141
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,120
Fine. Fine. But you haven't
heard the last of me.
142
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,960
And don't think you're keeping John.
143
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,920
Hi, Tim! Janet!
144
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:57,680
Loving your work. I smell irony.
145
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,520
Ha! That got rid of him.
How are you, Janet?
146
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:07,200
It's nice to see you out and about.
Jonny's memorial stone just arrived.
147
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:12,400
I couldn't look at it.
It just feels like he's all I think
about. That must be really upsetting.
148
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:15,120
Is that why you're
wearing his scraggy old clothes?
149
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,080
These are MY clothes.
150
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,800
Oh, they're really nice.
151
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,200
Actually, you know what?
152
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,200
You've worked here before.
Do you want a job? Really?
153
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:31,600
Yeah. I need a barmaid,
you need the distraction.
It'd be fun working together.
154
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:35,320
I would love that!
Oh, thank you, Donna!
155
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,680
Ha! Suck it, sister!
156
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,360
Do I have to?
Is that in the job description?
157
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,680
RAZOR HUMS
158
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:53,280
It sounds like killer bees.
159
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:57,080
There. Do you want me to do you?
Buzz, buzz.
160
00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:01,640
I'm OK, thanks. Oh. That's very
lucky. Because it's toilet time.
161
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:06,880
Don't worry, I never use toilet
paper. I'm ecologically friendly.
162
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,080
I use bread.
163
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,720
Munch... Don't worry,
164
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,400
I'll put it back in the bag
when I'm done.
165
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:19,520
Honest! Oh, no!
166
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:23,040
Multigrain. This is gonna be pippy.
167
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:26,520
Munch, Munch, wait.
168
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:31,360
What? It's just, when
you came back, I was really happy.
169
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:34,080
Awwww!
170
00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:38,320
Hugging you reminds me of hugging
a very warm tree.
171
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,400
Listen, I was chuffed, right?
172
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:45,800
Because I thought I could have
a best mate, I thought I could have
a best man.
173
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,480
You know Jonny passed away?
174
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,640
Who's Jonny Pastaway?
175
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:57,280
No...Jonny died.
176
00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:00,040
Oh. To be with the angels?
177
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:04,280
Yeah. Oh, he's so lucky. I wish
I could be with the Angels.
178
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:08,440
Lucy Liu, with my girl Drew.
Cameron D and Destiny.
179
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:12,440
I just thought that...
me and you could have
that kind of relationship.
180
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:16,480
We can. I can be Lucy Liu
because of my Asian heritage.
181
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,720
I do appreciate the bean sprout.
182
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:27,200
But we can't. And you can't be my
best man unless you get...
less stupid.
183
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,440
How dare they!
184
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:38,800
A girl, indeed. Oh!
185
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:41,280
Aw!
186
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:44,480
They've sent me
a gift to compensate.
187
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,960
Ah, it's good to see the NHS have
got their priorities sorted.
188
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,040
LOUISE GASPS
189
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,240
That's unusual.
190
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:02,760
If she wasn't crazy before,
that thing's gonna
send her completely Frank Bruno.
191
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:05,880
DOOR OPENS
Louise!
192
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:09,800
Guess what? I'm all better.
I've got a job.
193
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,720
And do you know what?
I've not even felt sad today.
194
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,800
Usually, I'd cry on the way past
Jonny's favourite haunts.
195
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:19,840
Which are now quite literally his
favourite haunts! That's brilliant.
196
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,600
But to be sure, let me test
you for madness.
197
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:27,760
Ask me anything. I just wanna prove
I'm sane. Er, OK. Check this out.
198
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:33,960
Oh, Jonny! Oh, joy
199
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:39,280
I need to get back to work.
I don't need to be reminded of Jonny.
200
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,480
JANET SNIFFLES
201
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:45,040
Wait! Who's going to look after you?
202
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:48,360
Daddy. Dada's dead,
isn't he, stupid?
203
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:52,480
Fine, I'll baby-sit, then.
204
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:56,000
God, I wish I were having a boy.
205
00:12:56,000 --> 00:13:00,720
You're so much more fun, what with
your willies and suchlike.
206
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:03,480
How am I ever going to
get used to having a girl?
207
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:08,400
Corinthian, how do
you feel about pink?
208
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,800
BABY LAUGHS
209
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:16,680
Janet, you're five minutes late.
Now, I need you to fill the
condom machine in the gents'.
210
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:19,600
It's run out of johnnies. Jonny!
211
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:24,640
Yeah, and we're expecting a delivery
of spirits. A case of Smirnoff,
half a case of Johnnie Walker.
212
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,480
Jonny! Walking!
213
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:33,200
Are you all right? Fine. OK, we also
need the Johnny Cash CD replacing
on the jukebox. It's scratched.
214
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,360
Jonny was always itchy.
215
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:39,960
There's a Jonny Depp poster
someone's stuck on
the glory hole in the gents'.
216
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:43,040
It needs removing with a wire brush.
It seems to be pasted on.
217
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:48,160
Excuse me, new barmaid, can I have
some Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny,
218
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:53,040
Jonny, Jonny, Jonny, Jonny,
Jonny, Jonny, Jonny? What?
219
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,360
I simply asked for a packet of
cheese and onion crisps.
220
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,840
Oh, my God! I'm sorry, Donna,
I can't do this.
221
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,840
GreatThat was mean!
222
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,880
You're a cruel piece of
shit, Timothy Claypole.
223
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,400
I'm just trying to
show you how much you need me.
224
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:12,240
Janet needs time to heal. You're
pushing her into a very stressful
job that only someone...
225
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,560
John Barrowman's dead. Jonny!
226
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:22,200
There you go! Ah, you look lovely!
227
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,080
Maybe girls aren't so bad.
228
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,480
What a day.
229
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:31,320
All I want is a hug off my son.
Don't you mean your daughter?
230
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:35,160
Meet...Florence.
231
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:44,440
Where did you get that?
It reappeared at toilet time.
232
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:50,080
Munch magic! Munch, look.
233
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,240
Look!
234
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:58,040
I need you to be more of a normal
human being, more like Jonny, so
you can be best man at my wedding.
235
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:01,680
OK. What did you and
Jonny used to talk about?
236
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:05,600
Well, we used to talk
about shit mostly.
237
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:10,000
OK. Does yours ever have
little tiny maggots in it?
238
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:19,160
No, just like...
What's in the news today?
239
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,920
Iraq! Or Iran.
240
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,280
I can never tell the difference.
I'm so stupid.
241
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,920
Gaz, can you tell me the difference?
242
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:31,640
Course I can. The letter Q.
243
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:34,880
Wow! Why are you so thick?
244
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,800
Gaz, I've never told anyone this.
245
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:41,440
I can't read. Oh.
246
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:47,360
Blah, blah, blah.
Gaz, this doesn't look like you're
organising a wedding here.
247
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,360
This looks like a Mensa subgroup -
248
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:52,440
Densa.
249
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:56,720
We are. We're
organising the...party favours.
250
00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:59,840
Do you even know what
"party favours" are? Of course.
251
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:04,000
It's when the registrar
takes you off into that side
room to sign the register.
252
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:10,160
Then you perform your wifely favour,
then I have a party
all over your face.
253
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,840
It's a little gift. Oh, it is, Donna.
254
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,800
It truly is.
255
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:25,160
How am I gonna cope, Jonny?
256
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:27,200
I've got nothing
to focus my brain on.
257
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,680
Janet? Have you got any
wedding magazines? I've got...
258
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:37,520
What the friggin' hell's that?! It's
Jonny's memorial stone for the grave.
259
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:41,320
Are you sure they didn't
just dip his body in some
Polyfilla and prop him up?
260
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:45,960
No, the statue doesn't have any
of Jonny's growths -
the warts, the carbuncles.
261
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:49,160
And they seem to have been very
generous about his tiny penis.
262
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:56,200
I've a million and one things
to do for this wedding. Well, I've
planned a wedding before.
263
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:59,080
When? Mine! Oh, yeah.
God, that was shit, wasn't it?
264
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:05,200
I could help you plan your wedding.
It would help me, focus me,
get my mind off Jonny.
265
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:09,120
That's great! That'll help me,
cos I need to teach Munch
how to be a human.
266
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,440
Yeah. I need a best man
for my wedding.
267
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,960
Oh. I was kind of thinking...
268
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,080
No.
269
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:24,840
How have you managed without being
able to read? That's incredible.
270
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:27,840
I tell people I'm blind.
271
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:33,160
They believe me cos I bump
into things a lot and I
have a heightened sense of smell.
272
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:43,160
That's peculiar.
Well, I can teach you how to read.
273
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:48,040
I've got all the Janet And John books
- Janet And John Go To The Zoo,
Janet And John Go To The Park,
274
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:52,680
Janet And John Get Pissed And Vomit
On The Polish Gentleman...
that's more of a photo album.
275
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,960
Well, I should do something
for you.
276
00:17:55,960 --> 00:18:00,120
Hey, Janet Tits has gone
crazy and left. I could work here.
277
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,560
Ha! He's not barman material.
278
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:05,160
Not five minutes ago
he tried to lick my trousers.
279
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:09,680
They had sauce on them.
And if you didn't like it,
you could have stopped me.
280
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,480
Erm...
281
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,880
Well, you'd already started.
282
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,000
I didn't like to interrupt.
283
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:22,960
Munch would make a great barman,
cos he's not a bitch.
So suck it, sister!
284
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,760
Oh, not again.
285
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:33,400
Louise, don't think I've forgiven you
for putting my son in a bra.
286
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:38,160
I'm sorry, Janet. I just wanted to
see what it was like having a girl.
287
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:40,400
And the answer was "crap".
288
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,240
Well, some people shouldn't be
allowed children -
289
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:48,400
you, royalty and women who get back
into shape really quickly
after giving birth. Bitches.
290
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:51,720
Janet, I just don't want a girl, OK?
291
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,800
Well, it's different
when it's your own.
292
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,040
How would you know?
You've got a boy.
293
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,880
You've got one of the good ones.
294
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,960
Oh, I wish we were in China.
295
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:06,040
JANET GASPS
Louise! That's a terrible thing
to say!
296
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:10,200
I just fancied some noodles.
Why's that so terrible?
297
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:14,160
Oh. What have you got against
girls, anyway? Cos I'm one.
298
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:16,800
I know what it's like being a woman.
299
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:21,000
You get passed over for promotion,
you get ignored in conversation.
300
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,120
We can't even vote.
301
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,880
I can't bring another woman
into this world. Bollocks.
302
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:34,120
You love being a woman -
the clothes and the hair and the way
we scare men with the word "cramps".
303
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:36,520
What's the real reason?
304
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:42,200
Because... Because she might be
prettier than me, OK?
305
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:46,080
Well, she will be, in your
eyes, anyway. She'll be perfect.
306
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,800
Well, I wasn't prettier than my mum.
307
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:53,320
Well, I've never met your mum,
but if she's better looking than
you, I'll go lez for her.
308
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:57,760
You don't understand.
Round there, at my mum's,
309
00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:02,320
I'm ugly and I'm fat
and I'm lazy and I'm stupid.
310
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:06,080
And the only way I can stop
her from saying those things,
311
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,800
from hating me, is to bring her
her temazepam, and her booze,
312
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:13,360
and the occasional
passing Greek sailor.
313
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:16,320
I had no idea.
314
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:21,280
And that's why I'm demanding a
recount. Last score, zero penises.
315
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,240
This time,
I want to see at least one.
316
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:28,120
And if I don't see one, if it's
not a boy, there's only one option.
317
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:31,000
Don't. Oh, please, don't.
318
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,960
She'd be better off that way
than having a mother like me.
319
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:40,000
Poor Louise.
But she's probably right.
320
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,720
Oh, Jonny, we're all going
to miss you at this wedding.
321
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,960
I wish you could be part of it.
322
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,760
That's it!
323
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:53,160
They'll have a
Jonny-themed wedding day!
324
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,720
Munch, chuck these in the dishwasher.
325
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:00,760
Munch magic!
326
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,520
GLASS SHATTERS
327
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,280
Tinkle, tinkle.
328
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:15,000
Y'know, I've not seen anything so
spectacular since I cleared
12ft with my own ejaculation.
329
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,960
You were up a ladder and you
were pointing it downwards.
330
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,200
Happy days.
331
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,960
Thanks for footing it for me.
Safety first.
332
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:28,440
You still owe me a replacement salad.
I wanted blue cheese dressing,
not knob cheese.
333
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:33,160
Fox's Glacier Mints got really big.
334
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:39,160
He's so thick!
He can't be my best man.
335
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:44,400
I'm gonna have to fire him. This
tap's gone again! I'll get the
fella out. It's a pressure problem.
336
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:48,840
You just need to release the
air that accumulates in the pipes
every couple of weeks.
337
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:52,600
How did you know that?
It was in this.
338
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,240
I thought you said you couldn't read.
339
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,280
I can't.
340
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:01,160
Oh, I see what you mean.
341
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,440
I can read words.
342
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,760
Then what can't you read?
343
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:10,600
Music. Obviously.
344
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,640
I always wanted
to play the triangle.
345
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:19,440
Gaz, I've written
a speech for the wedding.
346
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,600
I'm quite the public speaker.
347
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:25,320
I learnt it in Birmingham.
Ta-ra a bit.
348
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:30,040
I'll never replace Jonny, though.
That guy was a genius.
349
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,480
Yeah, he was, Munch. He truly was.
350
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:36,800
Excuse me. You still haven't done
anything about the wedding, Gaz.
351
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,320
Au contraire, mon cheri.
The wedding is sorted.
352
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:43,640
Munch is the best man. All the other
arrangements are taken care of.
Really?
353
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,720
I swear on your life.
354
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:51,240
So everything's sorted? The flowers
and the cake, everything?
355
00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:55,840
Yep. The buttonholes...the ushers...
356
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,880
the invites, the band, the caterers.
357
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:06,280
Yeah. Absolutely
everything's...sorted.
358
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:12,560
What are you looking at? Bit of
a shitter you're in, isn't it?
359
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:14,400
Yes, well, you'd know.
360
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:20,960
I'm sure you've been in
enough shitters yourself.
361
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:24,800
You're just insecure because
you're marrying someone beneath you.
362
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:29,440
Pardon? Yeah, you're gorgeous, you're
sassy, you don't take no guff.
363
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,720
I bet you take a bit of guff.
364
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:35,920
And that's why...
Well, that's why I like you.
365
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:40,040
Really? Then why are you
so mean to me? We have banter.
366
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:45,560
I've not had a proper female friend
before, and men don't tend to like
me for floopy-doo-knows-what reason.
367
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:53,000
And I'm a bitch, you're a bitch.
I'm slightly masochistic and
masturbate about you punishing me.
368
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,960
I think we could run
a really good pub together.
369
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:01,600
Well, I've already got a barman.
370
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:07,520
There you go, Arthur.
I made it myself.
371
00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:12,240
Y'know what, Tim?
372
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:15,760
You would be a draw for the
customers, like them restaurants
373
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:19,920
in that London where people go
especially for the rude waiters.
374
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:22,440
Y'know, KFC.
375
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:25,200
Exactly! So can I have my job back?
376
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,920
Only if you promise to be
mean about me and my hair.
377
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,840
Oh, seriously,
Dolly Parton's got nothing on you.
378
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,760
You know,
except for a pair of breasts.
379
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:38,000
And you're so far in the closet,
you're meeting Aslan.
380
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,720
And then you're sucking his cock.
381
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:51,920
I just need you to check
that you didn't make a mistake.
382
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:57,120
We rarely make mistakes.
You know, except with old people
who are going to die anyway.
383
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,560
So, any cocks?
384
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:04,080
No, it's definitely a girl.
385
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:06,200
I need to get my colleague.
386
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,800
What, not even a tiny one?
387
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,960
Come on! Give me
something to work with, people.
388
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,400
What's going on?
Is something wrong?
389
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:19,440
I'm just having trouble seeing
a heartbeat. What do you mean?
Yeah, it's...
390
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,400
Tell me what's happening
to my baby!
391
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:27,200
Dear God, please
let my baby be alive.
392
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:31,360
I don't care whether it's a boy,
girl or...
393
00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:33,240
or a giraffe.
394
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:36,360
In fact, I like girls!
395
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:40,200
Well, I don't, but I'll like
this one, because she's mine.
396
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:42,920
Please, please
don't take her away from me.
397
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,840
Please, please, please,
with sprinkles.
398
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:48,200
HEARTBEAT
Oh, thank God.
399
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:51,680
Your baby was on her side.
Dozy arse.
400
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:56,360
Well, if she'd gone private
I wouldn't be drunk, would I?
401
00:25:56,360 --> 00:26:00,120
You can get up now, Miss Brooks.
You're having a healthy baby girl.
Wait.
402
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:03,280
Just let me listen
to the heartbeat again.
403
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,080
HEARTBEAT
404
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:08,720
Just don't be prettier than me, OK?
405
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:14,720
Janet! Have you done anything
for this wedding? Donna's on the
warpath and I haven't done a thing.
406
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,440
Don't worry, I've done everything.
You'll love it.
407
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:21,360
What's the one thing missing from
your wedding day? Em...an elephant.
408
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:23,480
No! Something more important.
409
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:27,760
An elephant financial adviser.
No! Something closer to your heart.
410
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:32,360
My lungs? They'll be there.
I need them to breathe.
Gaz, it's your best friend! Jonny!
411
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:35,760
Oh! Oh.
412
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:40,480
So, here we have...Jonny cake!
413
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:43,120
It's just a trial one.
I'm cooking his arms now.
414
00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:47,840
Not his real arms?
Here we have Jonny flowers!
415
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,160
Oh, sweetheart... No, no, wait,
wait. Donna's gonna love this.
416
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:54,240
It's not CONfetti, it's JONfetti!
417
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:00,720
Hundreds of tiny Jonny heads.
418
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:03,560
I got them done at the copy shop.
What do you think?
419
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:06,440
I think I have a hundred tiny
Jonny heads in my mouth.
420
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:08,800
I know Munch is your best man,
but come on,
421
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:13,760
who wouldn't wanna be walked
down the aisle by a concrete
representation of their best friend?
422
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:17,640
I put him on wheels.
"Hello, Gaz. I intend to become
a farmer. Good day."
423
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,960
It's like he's floating at me.
So, are you happy?
424
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:24,440
Well, are you happy?
Oh, who cares about me?
425
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:28,640
But seeing as you asked, it's the
happiest I've felt in weeks. Ah...
426
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,520
Then I think it's beautiful.
I can't wait to see Donna's face!
427
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:42,720
I just wanted to say
428
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,080
that I'm really happy to be
marrying you, Gaz Wilkinson.
429
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:48,960
Oh, my God! What? Nothing!
430
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:53,800
Kiss me, you fool.
I don't want to be alone any more.
431
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:58,000
Oi! Tits first. I'm not a slag.
432
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:04,040
What the hell...is going on?
433
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:12,040
with bubbles in it
434
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:17,880
handle anything stronger now
435
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:23,800
I'll have a pint of lager, please
37144
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof