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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,800
My best friend's just been ate
by a shark. He restoreth my soul.
2
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:06,320
You are pregnant.
3
00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:08,240
Shit.
4
00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:10,600
Wugh!
5
00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:12,960
Oh, my God! Are you all right?
6
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,200
Yeah, of course. It's your handbag.
7
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:22,520
This programme contains
adult humour.
8
00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:29,720
with bubbles in it
9
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,680
OK. The reasons I should
be living with you
10
00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:53,800
are numerous and threefold.
11
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:54,960
One, I'm 23 years old,
12
00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,200
I should be living away from home.
13
00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:58,400
Two, I'm pregnant,
14
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,680
you'd be an excellent baby-sitter.
15
00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:04,760
Three, you're insane. Behold!
16
00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:12,040
Turf keeps me warm.
17
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:17,520
And no, you can't move in.
Is...Corinthian all right in there?
18
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:18,880
He's not in here.
19
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,360
I've had to get my
parents to look after him.
20
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:25,040
I've no money for heating
and...I'm such a bad mum.
21
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,000
Aw... Yes, you are.
22
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,480
But it's not like anybody died.
23
00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:37,320
Oh, yeah they did!
Are we not over that yet?
24
00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:42,800
No! And since Jonny's gone, I've not
worked, we haven't got his benefits.
25
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:46,840
I've not even got money for milk.
Luckily I make my own.
26
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,680
Aww, poor Janet.
27
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,320
I'll tell you what...
28
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,440
Yeah? I'll move in with you.
29
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,480
No! I'd pay rent. No!
30
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:58,960
I need to stand on my own two feet.
31
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,920
Oh, I can't even stand
on my own two feet!
32
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,760
I have to call one of those
compensation companies.
33
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:11,720
Was Jonny insured in the event of
being nibbled to bits by a shark?
34
00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:15,080
Dunno. Does it count as an
act of God? God made sharks.
35
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:19,840
And apparently made Jonny tasty.
Yum yum yum. Ack!
36
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:23,240
Milk? I-I-I'll take it black.
37
00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:33,560
And next time, mate, I'm bringing
my family. And we're going to mess
you up big style. You get me?
38
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,720
Clear off, Aidan.
Isn't there an illiterate
14-year-old needs impregnating?
39
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,240
Yeah...there is.
40
00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:47,120
Oh, the trials and tribulations.
41
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:52,560
You know, Donna, one of these days
I'm going to snap like the g-string
of an overweight Chippendale.
42
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:56,000
I know! Just because you're gay.
HE GASPS
43
00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,040
I wouldn't worry,
some people are so homophobic,
it's ignorant is what it is.
44
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,200
Excuse me? Ignorant.
45
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:08,400
I mean, at the end of the day we're
all a bit bisexual, aren't we?
Myself, I've often thought about...
46
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:09,840
No, forget that.
47
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:16,880
Just got the image of a vulva
bearing down on me
like a slimy coconut.
48
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,240
I am not gay.
49
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,480
But... No buts, Donna.
I don't like butts.
50
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,040
I just thought...
51
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:31,960
Mr Barrowman is one of our finest
talents of stage and screen.
And Torchwood rocks...
52
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,800
..if you watch it
with the sound off.
53
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:39,720
I just thought, you know,
the musical theatre thing, and...
54
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,040
and the blatant homosexuality,
you know.
55
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,960
I am sick of this!
56
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:48,760
It's like my turn in Runcorn's
celebrated am-dram production
of Wizard of Oz all over again.
57
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:50,280
Lion?
58
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,680
I'm not lying, I was the Tin Man.
59
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:58,480
Can a gentleman not appreciate
the flamboyant musical talents
of another gentleman,
60
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,280
without being considered gay?
61
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,680
Not often, no.
62
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:07,320
I'll have you know
I'm a happily married man.
Is it to another man? No!
63
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,080
Father made me marry
Helena when I was sixteen.
64
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:15,040
Since then, I've grown
to love her as both a wife
and as some form of woman.
65
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,600
Poor Tim.
66
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,480
Thank you for calling
dead dead dead dead dead...dot com!
67
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,280
If the death involved
machinery, press one.
68
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,560
If the death involved
a vehicle, press two.
69
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:34,840
If the death involved bizarre
sexual activity, press three.
70
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,440
Sharks are sexy.
71
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:41,880
Please hold while we
connect you to an operator.
72
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,320
MUSIC FROM TITANIC PLAYS
73
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,000
His favourite film.
74
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:02,960
Oh, hello!
75
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:06,960
'Hello! Melanie speaking,
how may we help y-o-o-ou?'
76
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,080
Oh, er...
77
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:12,160
Hello, my name is Janet Keogh.
I called earlier,
regarding my husband, Jonny.
78
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,440
'OK, just getting your file up...'
79
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:18,800
'Yes, I'm sorry Mrs Keogh but as he
decided to jump the shark himself'
80
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:24,280
'and was aware of the risks
involved, it doesn't actually
qualify as an accident.'
81
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:27,240
He didn't bloody well do it
on purpose, did he, Melanie?!
82
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:32,240
He didn't cover himself in sausages
and dance in front of it going
"bite me, bitch," did he?!
83
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:33,280
DIAL TONE
84
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:35,240
Hello? Melanie? Oh!
85
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:39,760
Oh, I am a terrible mother.
86
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:40,960
Ooh!
87
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,000
THUD
88
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:44,880
Hello little piggy.
89
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,360
COINS RATTLE
90
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:50,160
So...
91
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:56,200
have you ever lubed up your
bits with Pataks Madras paste
and jerked off into a chapatti?
92
00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:01,960
Obviously not. Have you?
93
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,440
Just the once.
94
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,400
They kicked me out of the Dill Raj.
95
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,400
Have you ever shagged a settee?
96
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,240
You know, like, on your knees,
between the seat cushions?
97
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,000
Gaz, why are you asking me this?
98
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:23,040
It's just, since Jonny,
you know...a-ra-ra-ra-ra.
99
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:27,640
Since then I've had no-one to talk
to about it. It was mine
and Jonny's number one topic.
100
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:32,080
Analysing every aspect of
the male masturbatory process.
101
00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:33,840
We even made a chart. Look.
102
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:45,040
Duration, location, ejaculation.
103
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:53,280
"A small, abandoned Wendy house".
104
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,120
Hmmm, twelve minutes. Oh.
105
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,320
I need someone to talk to
about these things,
106
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:02,800
and if I can't have Jonny, then
I'll have to find the nearest thing.
107
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:03,920
A rake in a wig?
108
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,480
No...
109
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:08,520
Janet.
110
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:10,800
Back to work, Goldilocks.
111
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:15,600
I'll be off in a sec. Gaz,
that man needs help coming out,
112
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,080
and he obviously has an
issue with his father.
113
00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:21,640
I'm going to make this place more
gay friendly. What do gay men like?
114
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,280
Uh...Shirley Bassey?
115
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,200
Poppers?
116
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:27,800
Dicks up their arse?
117
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:37,800
Yes, well done, Gaz. That's
exactly the type of homophobic
attitude I'm trying to avoid.
118
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:38,880
I'm not homophobic.
119
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,440
I've got loads of gay friends.
120
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:44,720
Well...
121
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,160
I HAD.
122
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:54,440
We'll be fine, Corinthian.
123
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,920
We have...this!
124
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:58,560
Daddy's secret stash!
125
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:01,760
See, he's still looking after us.
126
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:05,600
Cheers, love. Knock yourself out.
127
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:09,800
SMASH
Ooh!
128
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,800
Six... No, seven pence,
129
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:15,600
and hundreds and hundreds
of Free Nelson Mandela badges.
130
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:16,760
Ciao!
131
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:19,720
Hi. Louise, what are
those suitcases for?
132
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:23,280
You're not trying to move in,
are you? No!
133
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:30,080
I was reading a book, and it said
that "luggage" can help
with "emotional baggage".
134
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,840
It's like, a tangible
way of coping with loss.
135
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,040
It's very clever.
136
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,240
Oh, yes, that is clever.
137
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,640
Hi Louise.
Janet, I need to talk to you.
138
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,680
What's the matter?
139
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,800
Right, it's... It's about wanking.
140
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:52,040
Aww! I caught Jonny doing it once.
In the airing cupboard.
141
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:55,000
Ruined that plumber's overalls.
142
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,960
God, that man could squirt!
143
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:01,560
This is good! See, I need someone
to talk to about masturbation,
144
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:05,640
and you're the nearest thing
to Jonny. Go on, splurt away, pal!
145
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:06,680
No, Gaz.
146
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:10,480
Why not? Because I'm not Jonny.
I can't be your friend.
147
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,560
Why? Oh, all right, yeah, Gaz.
148
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:17,000
Let's see what happens when
we start a sexually-charged
conversation alone.
149
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,400
Oh, that.
150
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:22,800
The thing.
Yes, the thing. Our thing.
151
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:26,000
You need a friend. A MALE friend.
152
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,000
In here, skivvy.
153
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,720
Louise, what is that?!
154
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:36,720
Er...in the book it said in order
to release the cold feelings
of, em....
155
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,400
milk and lettuce,
156
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:43,640
one must have a tangible...
You are not moving in! Get out!
157
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,120
LOUISE SQUEALS
158
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,840
So, Corinthian, right,
159
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:54,000
do your emissions ever smell
like an old sailor's boot?
160
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:59,880
Ugh, Gaz! How am I supposed to
be a good parent when you're
poisoning my son's mind?
161
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:04,160
What? All you've got to do
is stay alive and you're already
one up on Jonny.
162
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:07,640
Gaz, I'm not going to die.
I never, ever take risks.
163
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,320
I had palpitations
when vanilla coke came out.
164
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,480
But the home's full
of dangerous things.
165
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,400
Huh?
166
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,280
Food poisoning.
167
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:19,320
Faulty wiring. Sheep.
168
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,680
It's all there.
It's all out to get you.
169
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,800
Like that film. Final Destination?
170
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:28,080
No, Final Destination 3.
171
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,680
OK. I'll just have to stay safe!
172
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,120
Louise!
173
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,560
What?
174
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:42,200
Sit here, Mr Claypole.
Tim'll be out in just a minute.
175
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:47,520
Tim! I've got a surprise for you!
Oh, God, you're not in love
with me, are you? I've told you,
176
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,800
I'm a happily married man.
And where is your wife now, Tim?
177
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,840
It's Thursday.
She's at rugby practice.
178
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,360
There's someone I think
you should speak to.
179
00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:03,280
Dad? Now, I think you two have got
a bit of a conversation to have.
180
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,760
Hello, Tim.
181
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,200
Ahem. Yeah, all right, Dad.
182
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,920
Anything you want
to say to each other?
183
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:14,000
About your marriage? About your...
184
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,920
You know.
185
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,840
SMACK
Ohhh...yeah!
186
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,080
Honk honk!
187
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,360
TIM MAKES MONKEY NOISES
188
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:30,120
What are you doing?!
189
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,000
I've shagged that.
190
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,240
Nice.
191
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,400
You fancy having a pint
with your old man?
192
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:41,800
Yeah, beer!... Yeah!
193
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:48,080
Make mine a low carb and stick some
bitter lemon in it, for God's sake.
194
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:51,680
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with you?!
Bringing my dad here?
195
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:53,760
I can't be myself!
He gives me the shivers.
196
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:58,000
You'd be happier if you
confront who you really are,
and you are a gay man.
197
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:02,400
I am not gay! How many times
do I have to tell you?
Tim! Just the fella!
198
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,080
Listen, I need to talk
to you about your cock.
199
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:10,120
Oh, for God's sake. Did you put
him up to this? I definitely didn't.
200
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,800
I'm sickened like
a bulimic at Easter.
201
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,600
Tim, you need to come out.
202
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,320
Look, even if I was gay,
what business is it of yours?
203
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,960
You have no right to interfere
in my private life.
204
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:26,240
I thought it'd make you happier.
Happy?! I ask you, do I look happy?
205
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,400
No, no. You don't look
happy exactly.
206
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:33,800
What's another word for happy?
You look more GAY.
207
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,320
And you look fired.
208
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:36,960
What?
209
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,200
You're fired. Get your stuff and go.
210
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,520
I was only trying to help.
211
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,200
So...
212
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:46,120
may I ask, right,
whilst masturbating,
213
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:50,800
have you ever got it stuck
in a dead woodland creature?
214
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:57,840
No.
215
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,520
Would you like to?
216
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,480
I just ran over a rabbit.
217
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,560
OK. All you need to do
is stay alive. Easy.
218
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:11,600
Ow! Paper cut.
219
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:12,680
Ooh.
220
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,760
Oh, God that was close.
221
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,080
I very nearly died.
222
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:19,840
I need a drink.
223
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,280
Ah! Brasso!
224
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:26,000
OK. I'll just sit right here
until I die of natural causes.
225
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,120
The plague!
226
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,960
Oh, God, death is out to get me,
it's everywhere.
227
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,560
Janet? Are you OK?
228
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,120
Not really. I nearly killed myself.
229
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:41,080
That's why you need me to move in.
230
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,360
A lot of accidents
happen in the home.
231
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:47,320
My Auntie Nigel accidentally
killed herself in the home.
232
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,680
She accidentally ate
300 paracetamol,
233
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:52,040
then accidentally
drank two bottles of gin,
234
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,520
then accidentally
stuck her head in the oven.
235
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,360
It was a terrible accident.
236
00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:01,360
And I was meant to be moving in
the following week.
237
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:04,960
You're right. There's all sorts of
dangers in here! I need to get out.
238
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,120
Though outside is
full of dangers too.
239
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,520
Thieves, muggers, vagabonds, sheep.
240
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:14,040
What you need is
something to protect you.
241
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:17,760
Yes, you're right,
I need a suit of armour.
242
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:22,720
Or did I mention I can do a
bit of karate? Hi-i-iya!
243
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:24,880
Hello.
244
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,840
So can I move in? No!
245
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,520
Jonny would want me here.
I know he would.
246
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,320
I'll prove it.
247
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,160
Oh, yeah, how?
248
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,960
I'll... I'll hold a seance.
249
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,360
Louise, that's completely insane.
250
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,960
I'm off to get a suit of armour
because my house
is trying to kill me.
251
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,440
Tidy all those papers up,
we'll be back in an hour.
252
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,080
Jonny's diary?
253
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:00,640
Ahh.
254
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:04,360
What kind of person looks
through a dead man's diary?
255
00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:05,880
Me!
256
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,800
JANET BREATHES QUICKLY
257
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,200
Oh...God!
258
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,720
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Thank you very much.
259
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:23,800
DOG BARKS
260
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,520
Whoa! Hello. Sorry.
261
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,680
Aww, isn't he a dear little thing?
262
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,160
Stay away from me, bitch!
263
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,320
Go on! Go on!
264
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,240
If you're so straight,
name three women that you fancy.
265
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:50,200
I'm in love with my wife.
You're allowed to look.
266
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,280
Are we?
267
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,040
I'll be at the sixth form college.
268
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,600
Three women. No!
269
00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,720
I'll make it easier for you.
One. Name one woman that you fancy.
270
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,040
OK. Her.
271
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,240
Janet?
272
00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,480
Oh, Donna, it's a scary world
out there,
273
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:10,160
and now Louise is holding a bloody
seance in my house to contact Jonny.
274
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:15,840
Oh, my God. Aren't you worried
someone scary might come through,
like the Devil, or Idi Amin?
275
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:20,080
Donna, Idi Amin's not dead. She still
reads the news on Channel 4.
276
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,680
Now, do you have any armour?
You're in luck.
277
00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:29,520
I still have my Tin Man costume
from Runcorn's celebrated am-dram
production of The Wizard of Oz.
278
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,800
Can nobody else see that he's gay?
279
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:38,120
Don't be so daft. He's married.
That's like saying Jonny was gay.
280
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:42,680
And he fired me for it, you know!
281
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,000
Just for pointing out the obvious.
282
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,080
That's a bit unfair.
Yes, it is unfair.
283
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,640
It's unfair dismissal is what it is.
284
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:53,360
I'm going to go to
the highest court in the land.
That man's arse is mine!
285
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:57,000
This man's arse,
Donna Henshaw, is taken.
286
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:03,960
I mean... I mean this man's
arse is... This man's arse
is full up...
287
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:07,000
I mean... Get out, you're barred!
288
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:10,160
Ta da-a-ah!
289
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,000
ARMOUR CLINKS
290
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,000
Oh! Excuse me, I'm so sorry
about earlier...
291
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,480
Stay away from me, bitch!
292
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,760
Maybe Janet was right.
293
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:40,040
Maybe I just need male company.
294
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,840
Maybe I don't want to talk
about masturbation at all.
295
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,840
Oh, Gaz.
296
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,840
Maybe I want to talk about anal?
297
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,840
No... I think you loved Jonny
and you need to express that.
298
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,400
Urgh! Love?
299
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:55,680
I did not "love" him.
300
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:59,400
I just want to talk about
Gazsturbation with a willing ear.
301
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,960
Can I put it in your ear?
302
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:04,840
No, Gaz.
303
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:08,800
Your best mate's just been ate
by a shark. Of course
you're going to be upset.
304
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,200
I don't care that Jonny's dead.
People die.
305
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:14,800
I'm completely over
the whole...a-ra-ra-ra-ra.
306
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:21,320
Well, I'm glad YOU are. Louise
is trying to contact him through
a seance. How stupid is that?
307
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:22,640
I'm coming, Jonny!
308
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,280
A-wu-wu-wu-wu-wu, phw, phw, phw,
309
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,040
A-wu-wu-wu-wu-wu, phw, phw, phw
310
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,800
A-wu-wu-wu-wu-wu, phw, phw, phw
311
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,320
A-wu-wu-wu-wu, phw, phw, phw
312
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:36,080
A-wu-wu-wu-wu, phw, phw, phw...
Look at her.
313
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:41,840
She's like the creepy little girl
off that film. Wu-wu-wu-uh-uh...
314
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:45,240
The Exorcist? No, Amelie.
315
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:53,000
Jonny, if you're out there,
please give me a sign.
316
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,240
Uhhhh!
317
00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:01,200
Salutations, it is
I, Jonny, from beyond the grave.
318
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:02,920
JANET TUTS
319
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:06,920
All right, Jon!
How's it going? You good?
320
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:12,240
This is stupid. Verily, this morning
I had breakfast with...
321
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,120
Ted Rogers.
322
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:18,520
This afternoon I'm playing
croquet with...
323
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,240
Ted Rogers.
324
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:24,800
Ooh, classy. Tell me Louise,
why is Jonny's voice
all deep and weird in heaven?
325
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,120
I've taken up smoking.
326
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:32,320
Now, Janet...let Louise
move in with you.
327
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,160
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
328
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,360
Jonny, Jonny, it's me.
329
00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:39,800
Listen, since you've been gone,
330
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:43,880
there's something that I wanted
to say to you,
that I've never said before.
331
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,160
I...
332
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,200
I love...wanking.
333
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:57,080
What? Ugh! That's foul! I mean...
334
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,840
Don't be so repulsive.
335
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:03,440
Now, about Louise moving in.
336
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,640
Give it up.
This is getting insulting.
337
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:09,560
Janet, my darling wife,
338
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:16,360
do you remember when you
won me back by dressing entirely
in a cheese and onion pasty bikini?
339
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:18,520
We kept the gusset for a month.
340
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:22,160
Oh, my God... Jonny?
341
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:28,480
Indeed. And I often think about how
you always wave goodbye to your
poos when you flush the toilet.
342
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,440
It's only polite.
343
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,520
There's no way she'd know this.
344
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:40,000
And that I once indulged
in a threesome with Janet
and Gordon Burns,
345
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,840
presenter of The Krypton Factor.
346
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,640
No, we didn't. Jonny
just fantasised about that.
347
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:46,880
What's going on?
348
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,640
Er...
349
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,040
In an emergency contact my mum.
350
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:56,040
My hat size is seven and a half.
351
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:57,160
PAPER RUSTLES
352
00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:01,280
What's this? I suppose
that would be Jonny's diary.
353
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,520
I think you should go, Louise.
354
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,240
Don't blame Louise.
355
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:07,800
Get out!
356
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,560
LOUISE WHIMPERS
357
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,640
DOOR SLAMS
358
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,520
Are you OK? I'll be fine.
359
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,320
Gaz. Did you ever get your chat
about, you know...
360
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,440
What the hell was that?
361
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,720
That was a hand job.
362
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:30,840
My God, no wonder
Jonny liked to...so much.
363
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,000
What was that?!
364
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,000
It doesn't matter.
365
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:38,120
No, I didn't get my chat,
366
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,920
but I came to realise,
it's not that I wanted.
I just wanted to tell him...
367
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,280
I'd better be off.
368
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,480
I loved him! All right?
369
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,560
I loved Jonny.
Go on, take the piss!
370
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,360
I loved him too.
371
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:19,960
Yeah, but you're supposed to.
I'm not supposed to feel
like this about a bloke.
372
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:23,680
And I never told him.
373
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,320
He knew you loved him.
374
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,400
ARMOUR SQUEAKS
375
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,760
I don't know why I did.
376
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,560
He was shit, wasn't he?
377
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:47,160
Really, really shit.
378
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,000
Oh, I miss him so much.
379
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,640
I'm sorry.
380
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:58,480
I don't... I don't need
to talk about...
381
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,840
I just want to talk to him.
382
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:10,560
Me too, I want to ask him
how I can stay safe for Corinthian.
383
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:15,000
I don't think Jonny's
the best person to ask, really.
384
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,440
A-ra-ra-ra-ra.
385
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:19,600
Come 'ere.
386
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,560
You trying to kiss me? Not if you
were the last man on Earth.
387
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,440
So you do kiss men, then?
I'm going to mess you up proper.
388
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:30,840
I'm happily married!
Yeah, where's your wife then?
389
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,400
Where's the little wifey?
390
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,120
She trimming her moustache?
391
00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:36,280
Where is she? I'm here!
392
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,000
Donna!
393
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,160
I've never wanted you more, hubby.
394
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:48,240
This is your wife?
Yes, we're married.
395
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:51,600
We're in love. So piss off
or I'm ringing the police. Oh!
396
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,680
Yeah, "oh"!
397
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:56,000
But she's...fit.
398
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,480
And I bum her every night.
399
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:02,200
Don't push it.
400
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:08,840
So, go on, get out of here! Go on,
the lot of you, you little pricks.
Go on! Yeah.
401
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,200
So. What?
402
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:12,920
Anything you want to say to me?
403
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:14,480
No, not really. OK, fine.
404
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:18,520
I'll just go and file
this unfair dismissal claim.
I'll send the boys back in.
405
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:19,960
No, wait.
406
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,520
Donna...
407
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,600
I can't cope.
408
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:25,920
Do you want your job back? No.
409
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:27,480
No, I want your job.
410
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,920
But... But...
411
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:32,600
I thought you didn't like butts.
412
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:36,000
I'll give them a ring.
413
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:43,960
Don't worry ickle baba, mummy's
going to be safe and around forever,
414
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:47,680
now that she has her...panic room!
415
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:50,800
Now, I can just squeeze in
half an hour's complete safety,
416
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,280
before I squeeze your dinner
out of my boob.
417
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,000
CATCH CLICKS
Oh!
418
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,080
I'm stuck!
419
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:04,560
Janet! I've just
come back for my stuff.
420
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,800
Janet! Where are you?
421
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,200
Louise! Louise!
422
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:10,760
That's weird,
423
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:13,160
I think I can hear voices.
424
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:17,920
Louise! Oh, my God,
the seance must have worked.
425
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,480
Dead Jonny?
426
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,040
Dead Jonny?
427
00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:23,200
Is that you Dead Jonny?
428
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:24,800
It's not Jonny, it's Janet.
429
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:28,000
Ah! Oh, my God, you're dead too!
430
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:29,800
I'm in the fridge.
431
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,360
You froze to death.
432
00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:37,400
Well, you best stay there, you'll
be nice and fresh for the mortician.
433
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,680
Get me out of the fridge! Oh!
434
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:43,680
JANET SCREAMS
435
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,040
Oh, my God. You're alive!
436
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:48,680
Of course I am.
437
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:52,480
I couldn't breathe in there. If you
hadn't been there I could have...
438
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,480
become breathless.
439
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:58,960
Face it Janet, if I wasn't here
you would have died, wouldn't you?
440
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,280
A little bit.
441
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,520
And then Corinthian wouldn't
have had any parents, would he?
442
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,000
Not many, no.
443
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,960
So, one could say I saved you,
that I deserve a reward.
444
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:14,360
Louise, do you want
to move in with us? Well, duh!
445
00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:16,440
Of course I want
to move in with you.
446
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,680
And don't worry,
you won't even know I'm here.
447
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,280
Until I bring my trombone.
448
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:29,000
So, have you ever...?
449
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,480
You're no Jonny.
450
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,480
I just need some
proper male company.
451
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,080
I miss Jonny so much.
452
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,200
There's no-one like him.
453
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,280
Greetings, Mr Wilkinson.
454
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:47,240
I have returned!
455
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:48,280
Munch!
456
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:51,040
Oh, Munch! I missed you!
457
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:52,760
Where've you been? Donna, look!
458
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:54,720
My brother's back. Hi Munch!
459
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,640
I don't fancy yours much.
460
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:00,560
At last, some proper male company!
461
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:02,800
Come on, sit down,
sit down, sit down.
462
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:09,000
Right, have you ever pulled out
a handful of pubes by accident,
463
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:14,000
then found it strangely erotic
so you kept on doing it
until you were bald?
464
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:16,000
Are you talking about masturbation?
465
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:18,360
Of course.
466
00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:19,920
Oh, no, Mr Wilkinson.
467
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,000
I don't talk about
that sort of thing.
468
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,640
Not now I'm a spiritually
enlightened servant of the Lord.
469
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:46,560
Get this down you! No! Get it
down you! No! Have it! Have it!
470
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:51,520
But who's this? Why, it's Daddy!
471
00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,120
Does this change your mind at all?
472
00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:56,280
Oh, my God!
473
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,560
You wanted to know the sex,
didn't you?
474
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:01,400
Yes, yes! Is it a boy?
475
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:02,880
Hiya!
476
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:10,920
with bubbles in it
477
00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:15,600
handle anything stronger now
35963
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