Original subtitles

My best friend's just been ate by a shark. He restoreth my soul.

You are pregnant.

Shit.

Wugh!

Oh, my God! Are you all right?

Yeah, of course. It's your handbag.

This programme contains adult humour.

with bubbles in it

OK. The reasons I should be living with you

are numerous and threefold.

One, I'm 23 years old,

I should be living away from home.

Two, I'm pregnant,

you'd be an excellent baby-sitter.

Three, you're insane. Behold!

Turf keeps me warm.

And no, you can't move in. Is...Corinthian all right in there?

He's not in here.

I've had to get my parents to look after him.

I've no money for heating and...I'm such a bad mum.

Aw... Yes, you are.

But it's not like anybody died.

Oh, yeah they did! Are we not over that yet?

No! And since Jonny's gone, I've not worked, we haven't got his benefits.

I've not even got money for milk. Luckily I make my own.

Aww, poor Janet.

I'll tell you what...

Yeah? I'll move in with you.

No! I'd pay rent. No!

I need to stand on my own two feet.

Oh, I can't even stand on my own two feet!

I have to call one of those compensation companies.

Was Jonny insured in the event of being nibbled to bits by a shark?

Dunno. Does it count as an act of God? God made sharks.

And apparently made Jonny tasty. Yum yum yum. Ack!

Milk? I-I-I'll take it black.

And next time, mate, I'm bringing my family. And we're going to mess you up big style. You get me?

Clear off, Aidan. Isn't there an illiterate 14-year-old needs impregnating?

Yeah...there is.

Oh, the trials and tribulations.

You know, Donna, one of these days I'm going to snap like the g-string of an overweight Chippendale.

I know! Just because you're gay. HE GASPS

I wouldn't worry, some people are so homophobic, it's ignorant is what it is.

Excuse me? Ignorant.

I mean, at the end of the day we're all a bit bisexual, aren't we? Myself, I've often thought about...

No, forget that.

Just got the image of a vulva bearing down on me like a slimy coconut.

I am not gay.

But... No buts, Donna. I don't like butts.

I just thought...

Mr Barrowman is one of our finest talents of stage and screen. And Torchwood rocks...

..if you watch it with the sound off.

I just thought, you know, the musical theatre thing, and...

and the blatant homosexuality, you know.

I am sick of this!

It's like my turn in Runcorn's celebrated am-dram production of Wizard of Oz all over again.

Lion?

I'm not lying, I was the Tin Man.

Can a gentleman not appreciate the flamboyant musical talents of another gentleman,

without being considered gay?

Not often, no.

I'll have you know I'm a happily married man. Is it to another man? No!

Father made me marry Helena when I was sixteen.

Since then, I've grown to love her as both a wife and as some form of woman.

Poor Tim.

Thank you for calling dead dead dead dead dead...dot com!

If the death involved machinery, press one.

If the death involved a vehicle, press two.

If the death involved bizarre sexual activity, press three.

Sharks are sexy.

Please hold while we connect you to an operator.

MUSIC FROM TITANIC PLAYS

His favourite film.

Oh, hello!

'Hello! Melanie speaking, how may we help y-o-o-ou?'

Oh, er...

Hello, my name is Janet Keogh. I called earlier, regarding my husband, Jonny.

'OK, just getting your file up...'

'Yes, I'm sorry Mrs Keogh but as he decided to jump the shark himself'

'and was aware of the risks involved, it doesn't actually qualify as an accident.'

He didn't bloody well do it on purpose, did he, Melanie?!

He didn't cover himself in sausages and dance in front of it going "bite me, bitch," did he?!

DIAL TONE

Hello? Melanie? Oh!

Oh, I am a terrible mother.

Ooh!

THUD

Hello little piggy.

COINS RATTLE

So...

have you ever lubed up your bits with Pataks Madras paste and jerked off into a chapatti?

Obviously not. Have you?

Just the once.

They kicked me out of the Dill Raj.

Have you ever shagged a settee?

You know, like, on your knees, between the seat cushions?

Gaz, why are you asking me this?

It's just, since Jonny, you know...a-ra-ra-ra-ra.

Since then I've had no-one to talk to about it. It was mine and Jonny's number one topic.

Analysing every aspect of the male masturbatory process.

We even made a chart. Look.

Duration, location, ejaculation.

"A small, abandoned Wendy house".

Hmmm, twelve minutes. Oh.

I need someone to talk to about these things,

and if I can't have Jonny, then I'll have to find the nearest thing.

A rake in a wig?

No...

Janet.

Back to work, Goldilocks.

I'll be off in a sec. Gaz, that man needs help coming out,

and he obviously has an issue with his father.

I'm going to make this place more gay friendly. What do gay men like?

Uh...Shirley Bassey?

Poppers?

Dicks up their arse?

Yes, well done, Gaz. That's exactly the type of homophobic attitude I'm trying to avoid.

I'm not homophobic.

I've got loads of gay friends.

Well...

I HAD.

We'll be fine, Corinthian.

We have...this!

Daddy's secret stash!

See, he's still looking after us.

Cheers, love. Knock yourself out.

SMASH Ooh!

Six... No, seven pence,

and hundreds and hundreds of Free Nelson Mandela badges.

Ciao!

Hi. Louise, what are those suitcases for?

You're not trying to move in, are you? No!

I was reading a book, and it said that "luggage" can help with "emotional baggage".

It's like, a tangible way of coping with loss.

It's very clever.

Oh, yes, that is clever.

Hi Louise. Janet, I need to talk to you.

What's the matter?

Right, it's... It's about wanking.

Aww! I caught Jonny doing it once. In the airing cupboard.

Ruined that plumber's overalls.

God, that man could squirt!

This is good! See, I need someone to talk to about masturbation,

and you're the nearest thing to Jonny. Go on, splurt away, pal!

No, Gaz.

Why not? Because I'm not Jonny. I can't be your friend.

Why? Oh, all right, yeah, Gaz.

Let's see what happens when we start a sexually-charged conversation alone.

Oh, that.

The thing. Yes, the thing. Our thing.

You need a friend. A MALE friend.

In here, skivvy.

Louise, what is that?!

Er...in the book it said in order to release the cold feelings of, em....

milk and lettuce,

one must have a tangible... You are not moving in! Get out!

LOUISE SQUEALS

So, Corinthian, right,

do your emissions ever smell like an old sailor's boot?

Ugh, Gaz! How am I supposed to be a good parent when you're poisoning my son's mind?

What? All you've got to do is stay alive and you're already one up on Jonny.

Gaz, I'm not going to die. I never, ever take risks.

I had palpitations when vanilla coke came out.

But the home's full of dangerous things.

Huh?

Food poisoning.

Faulty wiring. Sheep.

It's all there. It's all out to get you.

Like that film. Final Destination?

No, Final Destination 3.

OK. I'll just have to stay safe!

Louise!

What?

Sit here, Mr Claypole. Tim'll be out in just a minute.

Tim! I've got a surprise for you! Oh, God, you're not in love with me, are you? I've told you,

I'm a happily married man. And where is your wife now, Tim?

It's Thursday. She's at rugby practice.

There's someone I think you should speak to.

Dad? Now, I think you two have got a bit of a conversation to have.

Hello, Tim.

Ahem. Yeah, all right, Dad.

Anything you want to say to each other?

About your marriage? About your...

You know.

SMACK Ohhh...yeah!

Honk honk!

TIM MAKES MONKEY NOISES

What are you doing?!

I've shagged that.

Nice.

You fancy having a pint with your old man?

Yeah, beer!... Yeah!

Make mine a low carb and stick some bitter lemon in it, for God's sake.

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you?! Bringing my dad here?

I can't be myself! He gives me the shivers.

You'd be happier if you confront who you really are, and you are a gay man.

I am not gay! How many times do I have to tell you? Tim! Just the fella!

Listen, I need to talk to you about your cock.

Oh, for God's sake. Did you put him up to this? I definitely didn't.

I'm sickened like a bulimic at Easter.

Tim, you need to come out.

Look, even if I was gay, what business is it of yours?

You have no right to interfere in my private life.

I thought it'd make you happier. Happy?! I ask you, do I look happy?

No, no. You don't look happy exactly.

What's another word for happy? You look more GAY.

And you look fired.

What?

You're fired. Get your stuff and go.

I was only trying to help.

So...

may I ask, right, whilst masturbating,

have you ever got it stuck in a dead woodland creature?

No.

Would you like to?

I just ran over a rabbit.

OK. All you need to do is stay alive. Easy.

Ow! Paper cut.

Ooh.

Oh, God that was close.

I very nearly died.

I need a drink.

Ah! Brasso!

OK. I'll just sit right here until I die of natural causes.

The plague!

Oh, God, death is out to get me, it's everywhere.

Janet? Are you OK?

Not really. I nearly killed myself.

That's why you need me to move in.

A lot of accidents happen in the home.

My Auntie Nigel accidentally killed herself in the home.

She accidentally ate 300 paracetamol,

then accidentally drank two bottles of gin,

then accidentally stuck her head in the oven.

It was a terrible accident.

And I was meant to be moving in the following week.

You're right. There's all sorts of dangers in here! I need to get out.

Though outside is full of dangers too.

Thieves, muggers, vagabonds, sheep.

What you need is something to protect you.

Yes, you're right, I need a suit of armour.

Or did I mention I can do a bit of karate? Hi-i-iya!

Hello.

So can I move in? No!

Jonny would want me here. I know he would.

I'll prove it.

Oh, yeah, how?

I'll... I'll hold a seance.

Louise, that's completely insane.

I'm off to get a suit of armour because my house is trying to kill me.

Tidy all those papers up, we'll be back in an hour.

Jonny's diary?

Ahh.

What kind of person looks through a dead man's diary?

Me!

JANET BREATHES QUICKLY

Oh...God!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Thank you very much.

DOG BARKS

Whoa! Hello. Sorry.

Aww, isn't he a dear little thing?

Stay away from me, bitch!

Go on! Go on!

If you're so straight, name three women that you fancy.

I'm in love with my wife. You're allowed to look.

Are we?

I'll be at the sixth form college.

Three women. No!

I'll make it easier for you. One. Name one woman that you fancy.

OK. Her.

Janet?

Oh, Donna, it's a scary world out there,

and now Louise is holding a bloody seance in my house to contact Jonny.

Oh, my God. Aren't you worried someone scary might come through, like the Devil, or Idi Amin?

Donna, Idi Amin's not dead. She still reads the news on Channel 4.

Now, do you have any armour? You're in luck.

I still have my Tin Man costume from Runcorn's celebrated am-dram production of The Wizard of Oz.

Can nobody else see that he's gay?

Don't be so daft. He's married. That's like saying Jonny was gay.

And he fired me for it, you know!

Just for pointing out the obvious.

That's a bit unfair. Yes, it is unfair.

It's unfair dismissal is what it is.

I'm going to go to the highest court in the land. That man's arse is mine!

This man's arse, Donna Henshaw, is taken.

I mean... I mean this man's arse is... This man's arse is full up...

I mean... Get out, you're barred!

Ta da-a-ah!

ARMOUR CLINKS

Oh! Excuse me, I'm so sorry about earlier...

Stay away from me, bitch!

Maybe Janet was right.

Maybe I just need male company.

Maybe I don't want to talk about masturbation at all.

Oh, Gaz.

Maybe I want to talk about anal?

No... I think you loved Jonny and you need to express that.

Urgh! Love?

I did not "love" him.

I just want to talk about Gazsturbation with a willing ear.

Can I put it in your ear?

No, Gaz.

Your best mate's just been ate by a shark. Of course you're going to be upset.

I don't care that Jonny's dead. People die.

I'm completely over the whole...a-ra-ra-ra-ra.

Well, I'm glad YOU are. Louise is trying to contact him through a seance. How stupid is that?

I'm coming, Jonny!

A-wu-wu-wu-wu-wu, phw, phw, phw,

A-wu-wu-wu-wu-wu, phw, phw, phw

A-wu-wu-wu-wu-wu, phw, phw, phw

A-wu-wu-wu-wu, phw, phw, phw

A-wu-wu-wu-wu, phw, phw, phw... Look at her.

She's like the creepy little girl off that film. Wu-wu-wu-uh-uh...

The Exorcist? No, Amelie.

Jonny, if you're out there, please give me a sign.

Uhhhh!

Salutations, it is I, Jonny, from beyond the grave.

JANET TUTS

All right, Jon! How's it going? You good?

This is stupid. Verily, this morning I had breakfast with...

Ted Rogers.

This afternoon I'm playing croquet with...

Ted Rogers.

Ooh, classy. Tell me Louise, why is Jonny's voice all deep and weird in heaven?

I've taken up smoking.

Now, Janet...let Louise move in with you.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Jonny, Jonny, it's me.

Listen, since you've been gone,

there's something that I wanted to say to you, that I've never said before.

I...

I love...wanking.

What? Ugh! That's foul! I mean...

Don't be so repulsive.

Now, about Louise moving in.

Give it up. This is getting insulting.

Janet, my darling wife,

do you remember when you won me back by dressing entirely in a cheese and onion pasty bikini?

We kept the gusset for a month.

Oh, my God... Jonny?

Indeed. And I often think about how you always wave goodbye to your poos when you flush the toilet.

It's only polite.

There's no way she'd know this.

And that I once indulged in a threesome with Janet and Gordon Burns,

presenter of The Krypton Factor.

No, we didn't. Jonny just fantasised about that.

What's going on?

Er...

In an emergency contact my mum.

My hat size is seven and a half.

PAPER RUSTLES

What's this? I suppose that would be Jonny's diary.

I think you should go, Louise.

Don't blame Louise.

Get out!

LOUISE WHIMPERS

DOOR SLAMS

Are you OK? I'll be fine.

Gaz. Did you ever get your chat about, you know...

What the hell was that?

That was a hand job.

My God, no wonder Jonny liked to...so much.

What was that?!

It doesn't matter.

No, I didn't get my chat,

but I came to realise, it's not that I wanted. I just wanted to tell him...

I'd better be off.

I loved him! All right?

I loved Jonny. Go on, take the piss!

I loved him too.

Yeah, but you're supposed to. I'm not supposed to feel like this about a bloke.

And I never told him.

He knew you loved him.

ARMOUR SQUEAKS

I don't know why I did.

He was shit, wasn't he?

Really, really shit.

Oh, I miss him so much.

I'm sorry.

I don't... I don't need to talk about...

I just want to talk to him.

Me too, I want to ask him how I can stay safe for Corinthian.

I don't think Jonny's the best person to ask, really.

A-ra-ra-ra-ra.

Come 'ere.

You trying to kiss me? Not if you were the last man on Earth.

So you do kiss men, then? I'm going to mess you up proper.

I'm happily married! Yeah, where's your wife then?

Where's the little wifey?

She trimming her moustache?

Where is she? I'm here!

Donna!

I've never wanted you more, hubby.

This is your wife? Yes, we're married.

We're in love. So piss off or I'm ringing the police. Oh!

Yeah, "oh"!

But she's...fit.

And I bum her every night.

Don't push it.

So, go on, get out of here! Go on, the lot of you, you little pricks. Go on! Yeah.

So. What?

Anything you want to say to me?

No, not really. OK, fine.

I'll just go and file this unfair dismissal claim. I'll send the boys back in.

No, wait.

Donna...

I can't cope.

Do you want your job back? No.

No, I want your job.

But... But...

I thought you didn't like butts.

I'll give them a ring.

Don't worry ickle baba, mummy's going to be safe and around forever,

now that she has her...panic room!

Now, I can just squeeze in half an hour's complete safety,

before I squeeze your dinner out of my boob.

CATCH CLICKS Oh!

I'm stuck!

Janet! I've just come back for my stuff.

Janet! Where are you?

Louise! Louise!

That's weird,

I think I can hear voices.

Louise! Oh, my God, the seance must have worked.

Dead Jonny?

Dead Jonny?

Is that you Dead Jonny?

It's not Jonny, it's Janet.

Ah! Oh, my God, you're dead too!

I'm in the fridge.

You froze to death.

Well, you best stay there, you'll be nice and fresh for the mortician.

Get me out of the fridge! Oh!

JANET SCREAMS

Oh, my God. You're alive!

Of course I am.

I couldn't breathe in there. If you hadn't been there I could have...

become breathless.

Face it Janet, if I wasn't here you would have died, wouldn't you?

A little bit.

And then Corinthian wouldn't have had any parents, would he?

Not many, no.

So, one could say I saved you, that I deserve a reward.

Louise, do you want to move in with us? Well, duh!

Of course I want to move in with you.

And don't worry, you won't even know I'm here.

Until I bring my trombone.

So, have you ever...?

You're no Jonny.

I just need some proper male company.

I miss Jonny so much.

There's no-one like him.

Greetings, Mr Wilkinson.

I have returned!

Munch!

Oh, Munch! I missed you!

Where've you been? Donna, look!

My brother's back. Hi Munch!

I don't fancy yours much.

At last, some proper male company!

Come on, sit down, sit down, sit down.

Right, have you ever pulled out a handful of pubes by accident,

then found it strangely erotic so you kept on doing it until you were bald?

Are you talking about masturbation?

Of course.

Oh, no, Mr Wilkinson.

I don't talk about that sort of thing.

Not now I'm a spiritually enlightened servant of the Lord.

Get this down you! No! Get it down you! No! Have it! Have it!

But who's this? Why, it's Daddy!

Does this change your mind at all?

Oh, my God!

You wanted to know the sex, didn't you?

Yes, yes! Is it a boy?

Hiya!

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now