Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour.

It's not everybody who'd enter a TV Quick competition

in which you win the chance to fly to Hawaii to jump over a shark

on a pair of water skis in 22 minutes and 15 seconds, is it?

This is the state of Hawaii's sheriff's office.

We're trying to reach Mrs Janet Keogh.

What's wrong?

Jonny died.

He jumped the shark but he fell in the water. It ate him.

give me a drink

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

Please

ORGAN PLAYS

Oi! What about me, eh? Where's my supportive hand on my shoulder?

Argh!

SQUEALING

Sorry, everyone! Sorry I'm late! I got held up at the hairdressers.

I told them I'd be wearing a hat but did they listen? No, they did not.

Can you believe it?! They tonged me! Oh!

Her hair, Gaz, they tonged her hair.

Anyway, I'm here now so you can start. Chop chop!

"I am the resurrection and the life," sayeth the Lord.

"He that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live."

And why didn't they let me be pall bearer?

I was his best mate.

Janet wanted the family to do it, and that's what's important. It's her day.

Yes. It's your big day, Janet, you enjoy it.

But look at them! They're gonna drop him.

Janet? Are you OK?

Aw, let it out, Janet. There, there.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord...

SHE LAUGHS OUT LOUD

Oh, my God! Look at it! It's just so...

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

I don't get it. What we laughing at?

Oh!

No, I still don't get it.

She's hysterical, Gaz.

Do you see? He's dead!

He's dead and it's... SHE LAUGHS

Oh, God, sorry.

I'm laughing in church and Jesus can hear me.

SHE CHUCKLES Jesus can hear me!

And he's dead too!

She's, er...

not going to crack it open, is she?

Cos if there's any embalming fluid going spare,

I'm after a Danni Minogue.

Shit.

SHE STARTS TO SOB AND THEN WAILS

PMT.

What time do we have to be at the wake? Ten minutes.

She's spending time with the family.

Well, we'd best get a move on, then. Come on. Don't hit me!

My best friend's just been ate by a shark!

All your friends are alive, you've never suffered with grief.

My mother died last year.

Oh, get over yourself. Jonny was my friend too. He didn't even like you!

Yes, he did.

No, he didn't.

He even made me sleep with Janet just to get at you.

I don't think so, Gaz.

Yeah, well. I was hoping I could pin that one on him. He's not going to say anything, is he?

No, he just thought you were a bit...

you know, a bit cold. A bit of a damp squid.

Squib.

What? A damp squib. Like a firework.

Squib isn't even a word.

It's definitely squid. Fireworks aren't damp, are they? Squid are. Duh!

I will show you that Jonny liked me.

See, he gave me this. "Donna, have a great birthday!

"Lots of love..." SHE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY

"..and Jonny." Brackets, "Don't get too drunk now, hee hee," close brackets.

You see, Gaz,"hee hee".

This card's from Janet and Jonny.

Well, he wrote it. No he didn't, there's no love hearts over the Is.

Oh, fine! I'll show you.

I will prove to you that Jonny didn't think I was cold. I'll ask Janet. Come on.

Fine, cos she's got nothing better to do today. What was that?

I just said... "Koshee bedda beddoo beday."

Right. And what does that mean? It was a prayer.

To Jonny's God.

He converted before...you know... raow...

Converted to what? What religion, pray tell, has as its mantra, "Koshee bedda beddoo beday"?

They're completely made-up words! Probably the religion of "squib", Donna.

Bit mean of them to hold the grand reopening of the Archer on the day of Jonny's wake.

I know, aren't we Cruella de Fabulous?

It's not so bad.

Except for that.

And that.

And that.

Other than that it's... Loui... Louise!

Oh. This seems so much more fun!

Sorry. Pregnancy hormones.

What? You're...?

Pregnant. The father doesn't want to know, of course.

He left for a distant land faraway called Bol-ton.

So I'm on my own.

But I have my friends, you're all going to be there for me so...

Oh!

How could you be ignoring me when I am creating life!

Louise, you're not pregnant.

You're such an attention seeker.

How could you talk about yourself when my husband just...

Died.

Jesus, Janet, finish your sentence.

I'm sorry, I know, it's the grief.

And I have Corinthian to look after. I have to get over this as soon as possible.

Are you over it yet? No!

Look, I've got this leaflet that tells you the five stages of grief.

If I can work through them quickly, I'll be back to normal Janet as quick as you can say...

Um... Jonny's dead?

I'm sorry, it's the grief.

But look, the stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. "DABDA".

And when you reach acceptance you can go, "Dabda!"

What about me? My real friends will care.

My real friends will believe me.

Gaz, Donna! Janet doesn't believe that I'm pregnant.

You do, don't you? Couldn't give a tramp's cock.

Hmm! Now they'll have to believe me.

Attention seeking indeed!

Me?! Moi!

How could they! Louise! How are you?

Auntie Val. How's your mum?

Fat and drugged. Samey bamey. Oh, good.

I'll pop round there later, eh?

Wait. You're not! No! No!

Oh, that'll cheer your mum up no end. No. No. I'm here for this.

Oh! A disposable vibrating cock ring.

Er, yeah, I love 'em. Bye!

Oh... Don't tell Mum! Hush hush.

Damn you, Auntie Val.

OK, denial. Jonny's not dead, Jonny's not dead, Jonny's not dead, Jonny is dead.

Ooh, tick! 'Ave it, denial. DABDA is now ABDA.

ABDA! BABY CRIES

Please don't cry, Corinthian. When you cry I cry, and if I cry I won't stop.

Then we'll drown, which we may as well do because your dad isn't coming... Ooh, depression! Tick!

'Ave it! Oh, only ABA to go.

Which is what your dad used to say when he was sending hate mail to Scandinavian pop stars.

Hello, Janet?

How are you doing?

I'm holding it together.

I should think so too!

Jonny's barely cold in his grave, you don't want to go opening it for anyone for a long time.

I mean, I'm bearing up.

Well, I just wanted you to know that I was Jonny's friend and...

Yeah, I know, we've met, Gaz

Let me finish! Jesus!

And, as Jonny's friend, I think I have a responsibility to look after you and to see you're OK.

We're fine. That lucky little bastard doesn't know what's going on

and I'm halfway through my list of grief.

List? Yep. I've got anger, bargaining and acceptance to go.

Then I'll be cool.

DABDA!

Oh. Well, I could help you with them if you like?

Oh, would you? Gaz, that'd be ace.

Yeah, but not anger. Women always go for the sensitive bits.

What, the...? Yea, intrinsic emotional core of one's masculinity.

Oh. I thought you meant your bollocks.

Yeah, I did.

Bargaining sounds fun.

Like playing shopkeeper! Jonny used to love that game.

He used to try and sell me shoes and I'd try not to think how gay my best mate was.

OK! Well, you be a shop owner and I'll be a disgruntled widow customer.

What kind of shop? One that buys and sells souls.

Dixons? Yeah. All right.

Ding ding!

Well? Well, what?

Aren't you going to ask how you can help me? It's Dixons.

Oh yeah, OK. Well, hrmph, excuse me!

Excuse me, can you help, please?

What are you doing? I'm on a break. I'll send Raj up in a minute.

Gaz, don't be Dixons. Just be like a corner shop.

Oh, I can do that.

Gaz, what are you doing? You're under 25.

I'm following you to make sure you don't nick any of my Pringles. God, this is hopeless!

No, no! I can do it. Um, um, I'll just be a random shop.

Um, um... Hello, madam.

Um, could I sell you, um, some string or, or some bibles?

OK. No. I'd like to buy my husband's life back, please?

Oh, that'll be £10 billion. For Jonny?

That'll be £50.

For Jonny?

How much have you got? Hang on. I have got...

I've got...3, no £4.46.

And a picture of Peter Crouch.

Why've you got that? Well, I had no decent ones of Jonny

and that was the nearest thing.

Anyway. Go on.

No, no! I... Seriously, is that all the money you've got?

Yeah. I'm out of work, aren't I?

But it's OK. Jonny taught me how to scavenge.

I've got some really tasty eggs from next door's snake tank.

Well, then...

um, I insist you pay me with the picture of Peter Crouch.

Oh, great! Gaz, you're not very good at this bargaining thing.

And for this, I'll give you...

Oh yes, £15.

And, um...

and your picture of Peter Crouch back.

Gaz, you're shit!

But I bargained. Woo-hoo!

ABA is now AA.

Ah-Ah!

Now, anger. Hand me your big hairy emotional cores.

Louise, do you think Jonny thought I was cold?

Give a shit, he's dead. It's important to me. Why?

Because he was Gaz's best friend, Janet's husband.

I don't understand it when people don't like me for no reason.

It just makes me want to grab them and kick their twatting faces in

and nail their tits to a car and shove a rabbit in their... Sshhh!

Not in front of the baby.

That's a pillow.

How dare you! This isn't a pillow. It's is a scatter cushion.

And it's doing a very good job of muffling the sound of your baby-hating voice from my parasite.

Louise, if you are pregnant then it's your problem.

You've got a family. They can take care of you. No wonder Jonny thought you were cold.

You won't even look out for your own unborn nephew.

What?

OK. Anger.

Grrrrr!

Ha-ha-ha, bears are funny. No. Come on, Corinthian,

there's got to be something in here to get me riled.

Mr Jones of Widnes, selling a piano?

For £50. You rip-off bastard cock farmer!

No, actually, that's smashing value.

Oh, God, this is hopeless. I'm never going to get through DABDA.

Dadda. Yes, that's right. DABDA. Dadda.

Absolutely. DABDA.

Dadda. Look, I know you're saying Dadda just to get at me.

But it's too sad, I'm ignoring it.

I've done depression. Ooh, God, I need something to make me angry.

Ciao! Oh, thank you, God.

Can you believe no-one would believe I'm pregnant? I mean... Grrrrr! Argh!

You can't hit ME! I'm pregnant, only I couldn't buy a test, it was too embarrassing.

Oh, look, here, have a cock ring.

There's tons of tests upstairs. Help yourself.

Why's there tons? Um, I was trying to trick Jonny into having another baby.

How? He was a heavy sleeper. I won't go into details

but it involved a nocturnal blow job,

spitting into a shot glass and a lubricated teaspoon.

But that's not gonna happen now. Now that's he's...

Dead! Jesus, Janet.

You're gonna have to learn to finish a sentence sooner or later.

I must be cold. I didn't feel anything, not even when Louise said she was carrying my nephew.

Where's she taking him?

Carrying him in her uterus, Gaz.

Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna.

It's called a Lexus.

She's having my brother's baby.

Really?

It's a bit unfair she has to taxi your nephew about as well, isn't it?

I think it's disgusting.

Exactly, hope he's giving her petrol money.

Gaz. Louise slept with my 16-year-old brother and now she's having his baby. Have you got it?

Oh, right.

How does she afford a Lexus?

I'm going to see her. Where's my bag?

What are you doing? Just looking for proof that you're a warm and giving individual.

There isn't any, so...

What's this exactly? That's money. My money, thank you.

Yes, that you were planning on giving to Janet to help with Corinthian!

See, it all works out in the end.

I bet Jonny doesn't think you're cold now. What?

Yeah, I bet he's out there on his Jammie Dodger cloud in the sky thinking,

"Ooh, that Donna, eh, if only she'd give some money to my poor widow then...

"Ooh, ee, I'd like her and that." You're an idiot.

You should see 'em, Donna. They've got four quid.

They're up shit creek. Without a paddle.

Oh no, they've got a paddle. Oh.

But it's made of shit!

We've got to help them.

OK, fine. You can give them a bit of cash on one condition. Anything.

Anything? No, no, not anything, no.

I'm not having anything shoved up my arse.

You might have read there's a G-spot up there but if that was the case I'd come every time I had a crap.

It's not that.

I don't want you getting too close to Janet.

Donna, why? You know why.

You see, that's cold.

What is wrong with me? Even Jeremy Kyle didn't get me angry.

And he has called almost all my family scum on national television.

DOOR SLAMS

Hi, Gaz. You OK?

Have you done angry yet? No.

You brought that pillow to protect your testicles? What pillow?

It's a scatter cushion.

I wanted to bring Corinthian a toy but apparently we can't afford it so...

Hello, Corinthian!

Look, it's Scatter McCushion.

You can't just create a character by putting "Mc" in front of something's name.

Shut your mouth, Janet McKeogh,

or Gaz McWilkinson will come in the McNight and I'll McGet you! Argh! Ha ha!

Don't make me laugh, I'm trying to get angry.

SQUEALING

What was that? Squeaky McTwatbag.

Listen, right.

I know that you and the kid are struggling for money at the minute.

Oh, we kind of are.

Well...

I'm not going to give you any.

That's not what I was expecting you to say.

No, cos if I give you money, I can't give you time. Oh, good.

Corinthian! Did you hear that? We're having "time" for tea tonight. Yum!

What's for pudding? Empathy?

And I'm never going to get through DABDA. I don't seem to be able to get angry.

All right.

Do you think it would help if you kicked me in the bollocks?

We can try.

So there's the proof. You are pregnant. Yep. To your brother.

Dion's only 16. Isn't that illegal?

No, I think that, as long as you look 16, as I do, then you're OK.

So when's your due date?

I worked it out. June 30th. Isn't that Jonny's birthday?

My God! You don't think...?

Oh, that it's a coincidence? Yes! No.

That I'm carrying the reincarnation of Jonny.

No, I don't, because that's insane.

But the birthday, the cravings for food. The birthday.

Oh, I'm hatching a chav!

This is a Katona catastrophe.

You're not carrying Jonny. And if you were, it would be evident in the fact that it wouldn't like me, so...

Hello in there!

Yes, this is Donna! I can't wait to meet you

and have pleasant conversations with you. Bleugh!

Oh...

That was more funny than anger-inducing.

Maybe we should try it again. No, no, no, oh no!

I think it's safe to say that experiment failed.

Go on, just one more go. I think I can feel some venom rising.

Go on, then. Yeah, go on.

Oh, ow! Eurgh!

No, still funny.

I think I can feel them in my throat.

I don't seem to be able to get angry because of this depression bit.

Every time I tick another item off, the crying comes back.

I'm never going to get back to normal.

Janet. You buried your husband this morning.

You're moving quicker than Darren Day on a stage full of blondes.

You're right. I mean, if me and Jonny had like split up or something,

I'd be going about it in a completely different way.

Sleeping with loads of men and drinking till you blacked out?

No, Gaz, not loads of men. Just the men that'd hurt him most.

As you well know.

SHE MAKE A VOMITING SOUND

Oh, my God, are you all right?

Yeah, of course.

It's your handbag.

Great.

NOW do you believe that I'm carrying Jonny II, Revenge of the Jonny?

No! I think you have morning sickness...

in the afternoon.

That, or you have a really nauseating handbag.

This was 20 quid from Next! Beugh!

You could have taken my purse out first!

Where was it from? Dorothy Perkins. Beugh! Oh...

Look, I know this is the reincarnation of Jonny.

You also know that all fat people should be shot.

Excuse me! World hunger, obesity crisis, all solved with one big burger-shaped bullet.

Look, Jonny didn't like you.

Apparently not. So talk to him.

Tell him what you really think.

That might not be such a bad idea.

Maybe then I could work out why he thought I was cold.

OK...

Why did you put up with your best mate sleeping with Janet!

Why did I have to be the strong one, you twat!

Donna was right. We shouldn't spend time together.

But nothing happened. We looked at each other in that way.

And I got a slight semi.

Nothing to write home to your mother about, but it was definitely there.

You write to your mum about your erections?

What else am I going to put in the Christmas letter?

Look. We're always going to have a thing.

But... Oh, God, now I feel guilty.

Shit, that's not even on the list.

It's DABDA, not DABDAG.

DABDAG is just silly.

Oh but... See, I want to put my arm round you but...

we might get Semi, The Sequel.

And this time it's personal. And it just note safe to go back in the water, Janet.

I won't notice. I just need a hug.

Oh, you'll notice.

C'mon, babe, it's all right.

I was stupid to think I could do grief in a day.

I put all this effort in, and I've not even paid any attention to Corinthian.

And he's the one I'm supposed to be doing this for. Where is he?

Oh. He was crawling towards the oven last time I saw him.

Corinthian!

But oh, no. No, Donna Henshaw had to be the strong one.

Donna had to cope, same way she didn't react to her mum's death.

Same way she won't react to her stupid mate shagging her brother.

This isn't him, Donna. Who's this stupid mate that shagged your brother? Was it Janet?

I just kept breathing, kept existing while you, Jonny, you,

got all the sympathy because you were upset.

And now you're dead.

And I'm going to have to be there to help everyone else get through it.

Well, I'm sorry!

If that makes me cold, then I'm cold.

That wasn't cold at all.

In fact, that's the fieriest thing I've ever seen.

God, you really care about stuff, loser.

I do care, don't I?

Yeah. Which means you could care for me and my baby.

No. I can care for Janet and her baby, like I should have been doing since the funeral.

Don't forget your bag of sick.

You're coming too, you mad little twat bag, come on.

She's talking to you, you know.

What I don't understand is how he got into the neighbour's snake tank.

Maybe they ran out of dead mice.

I've been so focused on trying to get angry, I forgot why I was doing it in the first place.

My priorities are all wrong. Well, it's understandable. Is it?

No, you're a mental bitch. Come here.

Fine. I'm just going to have to stick with depression.

I'll have to start again.

Right now I'm feeling how I'm supposed to, and that's OK. DOOR SLAMS

Janet! Janet, I've brought you some groceries for the week. And a...a bag of sick.

Aww! See, Corinthian.

We've got a great support network. We've got people to take care of us.

They might be mental, stupid and cold respectively. But they're there.

How did your list go? Oh, I had everything except anger.

It's a shame. I really wanted to complete it.

These things take time. We're there for you though.

Even though when my mum died, you slagged it up with my boyfriend.

What? And guess what?

I'm carrying the reincarnation of your dead husband in my womb! Ha-ha-ha!

DABDA! Ow!

Gangway!

Anger! You guys...

Whilst masturbating,

have you ever got it stuck in a dead woodland creature?

Ay-ya!

Have you ever lubed up your bits with Patak's madras paste

and jerked off into a chapatti?

Can you style it?

Duration.

Location. Ejaculation.

What kind of person looks through a dead man's diary?

give me a drink,

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now