Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,640
This programme contains
adult humour.
2
00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:05,880
It's not everybody who'd enter
a TV Quick competition
3
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,720
in which you win the chance to fly
to Hawaii to jump over a shark
4
00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:11,440
on a pair of water skis
in 22 minutes and 15 seconds, is it?
5
00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:14,680
This is the state of
Hawaii's sheriff's office.
6
00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:16,680
We're trying to reach
Mrs Janet Keogh.
7
00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:17,840
What's wrong?
8
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,240
Jonny died.
9
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:26,920
He jumped the shark but he fell
in the water. It ate him.
10
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:35,960
give me a drink
11
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:39,880
with bubbles in it
12
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:45,520
handle anything stronger now
13
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:51,360
Please
14
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,120
ORGAN PLAYS
15
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:08,440
Oi! What about me, eh? Where's my
supportive hand on my shoulder?
16
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,120
Argh!
17
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:12,240
SQUEALING
18
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,280
Sorry, everyone! Sorry I'm late! I
got held up at the hairdressers.
19
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,520
I told them I'd be wearing a hat but
did they listen? No, they did not.
20
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:21,720
Can you believe it?! They tonged me!
Oh!
21
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:25,280
Her hair, Gaz, they tonged her hair.
22
00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:30,440
Anyway, I'm here now so
you can start. Chop chop!
23
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,880
"I am the resurrection and
the life," sayeth the Lord.
24
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:38,800
"He that believeth in me, though
he were dead, yet shall he live."
25
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,440
And why didn't they
let me be pall bearer?
26
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:43,000
I was his best mate.
27
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:46,960
Janet wanted the family to do it,
and that's what's important.
It's her day.
28
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:51,240
Yes. It's your big day, Janet,
you enjoy it.
29
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,680
But look at them!
They're gonna drop him.
30
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,080
Janet? Are you OK?
31
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:10,160
Aw, let it out, Janet. There, there.
32
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,840
And I will dwell in
the house of the Lord...
33
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,040
SHE LAUGHS OUT LOUD
34
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:18,320
Oh, my God! Look at it!
It's just so...
35
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,400
SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
36
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:24,960
I don't get it.
What we laughing at?
37
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,560
Oh!
38
00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:30,880
No, I still don't get it.
39
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,720
She's hysterical, Gaz.
40
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,640
Do you see? He's dead!
41
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:37,760
He's dead and it's...
SHE LAUGHS
42
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,800
Oh, God, sorry.
43
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,680
I'm laughing in church
and Jesus can hear me.
44
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,400
SHE CHUCKLES
Jesus can hear me!
45
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,880
And he's dead too!
46
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,080
She's, er...
47
00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,120
not going to crack it open, is she?
48
00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:00,160
Cos if there's any embalming
fluid going spare,
49
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:01,920
I'm after a Danni Minogue.
50
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:15,880
Shit.
51
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:22,440
SHE STARTS TO SOB
AND THEN WAILS
52
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,160
PMT.
53
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:44,960
What time do we have to be
at the wake? Ten minutes.
54
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:47,320
She's spending time with the family.
55
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:51,000
Well, we'd best get a move on, then.
Come on. Don't hit me!
56
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,200
My best friend's just
been ate by a shark!
57
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,480
All your friends are alive,
you've never suffered with grief.
58
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,840
My mother died last year.
59
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:06,360
Oh, get over yourself. Jonny was my
friend too. He didn't even like you!
60
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,760
Yes, he did.
61
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,720
No, he didn't.
62
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,880
He even made me sleep with
Janet just to get at you.
63
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,080
I don't think so, Gaz.
64
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:22,000
Yeah, well. I was hoping I could
pin that one on him. He's not
going to say anything, is he?
65
00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:25,280
No, he just thought
you were a bit...
66
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:28,240
you know, a bit cold.
A bit of a damp squid.
67
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,280
Squib.
68
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:33,240
What? A damp squib. Like a firework.
69
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:36,760
Squib isn't even a word.
70
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:40,160
It's definitely squid. Fireworks
aren't damp, are they? Squid are.
Duh!
71
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:43,400
I will show you that
Jonny liked me.
72
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:46,880
See, he gave me this.
"Donna, have a great birthday!
73
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,320
"Lots of love..."
SHE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY
74
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:53,560
"..and Jonny." Brackets, "Don't get
too drunk now, hee hee,"
close brackets.
75
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,760
You see, Gaz,"hee hee".
76
00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,960
This card's from Janet and Jonny.
77
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:01,600
Well, he wrote it. No he didn't,
there's no love hearts over the Is.
78
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,440
Oh, fine! I'll show you.
79
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:07,160
I will prove to you that
Jonny didn't think I was cold.
I'll ask Janet. Come on.
80
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:11,000
Fine, cos she's got nothing better
to do today. What was that?
81
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:16,760
I just said... "Koshee
bedda beddoo beday."
82
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:22,200
Right. And what does that mean?
It was a prayer.
83
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,120
To Jonny's God.
84
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:28,160
He converted before...you know...
raow...
85
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:34,920
Converted to what?
What religion, pray tell, has as its
mantra, "Koshee bedda beddoo beday"?
86
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:40,360
They're completely made-up words!
Probably the religion of "squib",
Donna.
87
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,440
Bit mean of them
to hold the grand reopening of the
Archer on the day of Jonny's wake.
88
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,840
I know, aren't we
Cruella de Fabulous?
89
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,240
It's not so bad.
90
00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:58,840
Except for that.
91
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,560
And that.
92
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,160
And that.
93
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:10,440
Other than that it's... Loui...
Louise!
94
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:14,440
Oh. This seems so much more fun!
95
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,240
Sorry. Pregnancy hormones.
96
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:19,760
What? You're...?
97
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:23,520
Pregnant. The father
doesn't want to know, of course.
98
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:28,840
He left for a distant
land faraway called Bol-ton.
99
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:30,520
So I'm on my own.
100
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,640
But I have my friends, you're
all going to be there for me so...
101
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:34,840
Oh!
102
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:37,560
How could you be ignoring me
when I am creating life!
103
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,480
Louise, you're not pregnant.
104
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,320
You're such an attention seeker.
105
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,000
How could you talk about yourself
when my husband just...
106
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:47,920
Died.
107
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,600
Jesus, Janet, finish your sentence.
108
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,720
I'm sorry, I know, it's the grief.
109
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:58,840
And I have Corinthian to look after.
I have to get over this as soon as
possible.
110
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,560
Are you over it yet? No!
111
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:09,720
Look, I've got this leaflet that
tells you the five stages of grief.
112
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:15,560
If I can work through them
quickly, I'll be back to normal
Janet as quick as you can say...
113
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,640
Um... Jonny's dead?
114
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:20,440
I'm sorry, it's the grief.
115
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:26,600
But look, the stages are
denial, anger, bargaining,
depression and acceptance. "DABDA".
116
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,440
And when you reach
acceptance you can go, "Dabda!"
117
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:35,080
What about me?
My real friends will care.
118
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,760
My real friends will believe me.
119
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:40,440
Gaz, Donna! Janet doesn't believe
that I'm pregnant.
120
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:43,200
You do, don't you?
Couldn't give a tramp's cock.
121
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,680
Hmm! Now they'll have to believe me.
122
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,160
Attention seeking indeed!
123
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,200
Me?! Moi!
124
00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:01,240
How could they! Louise! How are you?
125
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,560
Auntie Val. How's your mum?
126
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:06,160
Fat and drugged. Samey bamey.
Oh, good.
127
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:09,640
I'll pop round there later, eh?
128
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:13,800
Wait. You're not! No! No!
129
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:18,760
Oh, that'll cheer your mum up no
end. No. No. I'm here for this.
130
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:22,920
Oh! A disposable vibrating cock
ring.
131
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:27,760
Er, yeah, I love 'em. Bye!
132
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:33,600
Oh... Don't tell Mum! Hush hush.
133
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,840
Damn you, Auntie Val.
134
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:46,360
OK, denial. Jonny's not dead,
Jonny's not dead,
Jonny's not dead, Jonny is dead.
135
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:51,080
Ooh, tick! 'Ave it, denial.
DABDA is now ABDA.
136
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:54,680
ABDA!
BABY CRIES
137
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:59,640
Please don't cry, Corinthian.
When you cry I cry,
and if I cry I won't stop.
138
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:04,680
Then we'll drown, which we may as
well do because your dad isn't
coming... Ooh, depression! Tick!
139
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:07,760
'Ave it! Oh, only ABA to go.
140
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:12,720
Which is what your dad used to
say when he was sending hate mail
to Scandinavian pop stars.
141
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,560
Hello, Janet?
142
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,720
How are you doing?
143
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,320
I'm holding it together.
144
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,560
I should think so too!
145
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:27,560
Jonny's barely cold in his grave,
you don't want to go opening it
for anyone for a long time.
146
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,600
I mean, I'm bearing up.
147
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:33,120
Well, I just wanted you to know
that I was Jonny's friend and...
148
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,640
Yeah, I know, we've met, Gaz
149
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:38,200
Let me finish! Jesus!
150
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:43,000
And, as Jonny's friend, I
think I have a responsibility to
look after you and to see you're OK.
151
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:47,160
We're fine. That lucky little
bastard doesn't know what's going on
152
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,200
and I'm halfway through
my list of grief.
153
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:53,760
List? Yep. I've got anger,
bargaining and acceptance to go.
154
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,320
Then I'll be cool.
155
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:57,240
DABDA!
156
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,720
Oh. Well, I could help
you with them if you like?
157
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,200
Oh, would you? Gaz, that'd be ace.
158
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,040
Yeah, but not anger. Women
always go for the sensitive bits.
159
00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:08,960
What, the...? Yea, intrinsic
emotional core of one's masculinity.
160
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,760
Oh.
I thought you meant your bollocks.
161
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,040
Yeah, I did.
162
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,640
Bargaining sounds fun.
163
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,560
Like playing shopkeeper!
Jonny used to love that game.
164
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:26,560
He used to try and sell me
shoes and I'd try not to think
how gay my best mate was.
165
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:33,000
OK! Well, you be a shop owner
and I'll be a disgruntled
widow customer.
166
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,920
What kind of shop?
One that buys and sells souls.
167
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,520
Dixons? Yeah. All right.
168
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,280
Ding ding!
169
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,080
Well? Well, what?
170
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:51,440
Aren't you going to ask how
you can help me? It's Dixons.
171
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:56,480
Oh yeah, OK. Well, hrmph, excuse me!
172
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,480
Excuse me, can you help, please?
173
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:04,800
What are you doing? I'm on a break.
I'll send Raj up in a minute.
174
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:08,320
Gaz, don't be Dixons.
Just be like a corner shop.
175
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:09,840
Oh, I can do that.
176
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:16,920
Gaz, what are you doing?
You're under 25.
177
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:21,320
I'm following you to make sure
you don't nick any of my Pringles.
God, this is hopeless!
178
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:25,600
No, no! I can do it. Um, um,
I'll just be a random shop.
179
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:29,680
Um, um... Hello, madam.
180
00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:36,680
Um, could I sell you, um, some
string or, or some bibles?
181
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:43,920
OK. No. I'd like to buy my
husband's life back, please?
182
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:49,600
Oh, that'll be £10 billion.
For Jonny?
183
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,800
That'll be £50.
184
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,080
For Jonny?
185
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:57,440
How much have you got?
Hang on. I have got...
186
00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:03,200
I've got...3, no £4.46.
187
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,960
And a picture of Peter Crouch.
188
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:10,160
Why've you got that? Well,
I had no decent ones of Jonny
189
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,800
and that was the nearest thing.
190
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,480
Anyway. Go on.
191
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:17,840
No, no! I... Seriously, is that all
the money you've got?
192
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,680
Yeah. I'm out of work, aren't I?
193
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,880
But it's OK.
Jonny taught me how to scavenge.
194
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:26,360
I've got some really tasty eggs
from next door's snake tank.
195
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,360
Well, then...
196
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,520
um, I insist you pay me with
the picture of Peter Crouch.
197
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:36,080
Oh, great! Gaz, you're not very
good at this bargaining thing.
198
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,280
And for this, I'll give you...
199
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:42,880
Oh yes, £15.
200
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:46,320
And, um...
201
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,480
and your picture of
Peter Crouch back.
202
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,840
Gaz, you're shit!
203
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,960
But I bargained. Woo-hoo!
204
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,560
ABA is now AA.
205
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,440
Ah-Ah!
206
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:04,360
Now, anger. Hand me your big
hairy emotional cores.
207
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,720
Louise, do you think
Jonny thought I was cold?
208
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:22,400
Give a shit, he's dead.
It's important to me. Why?
209
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,760
Because he was Gaz's best friend,
Janet's husband.
210
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:29,120
I don't understand it when
people don't like me for no reason.
211
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:35,920
It just makes me want to grab them
and kick their twatting faces in
212
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:39,520
and nail their tits to a car and
shove a rabbit in their... Sshhh!
213
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,920
Not in front of the baby.
214
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,040
That's a pillow.
215
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:49,920
How dare you! This isn't a pillow.
It's is a scatter cushion.
216
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:56,560
And it's doing a very good job of
muffling the sound of your
baby-hating voice from my parasite.
217
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,280
Louise, if you are pregnant
then it's your problem.
218
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:04,000
You've got a family. They
can take care of you. No wonder
Jonny thought you were cold.
219
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:07,480
You won't even look out
for your own unborn nephew.
220
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,920
What?
221
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,520
OK. Anger.
222
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,600
Grrrrr!
223
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:22,840
Ha-ha-ha, bears are funny.
No. Come on, Corinthian,
224
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,600
there's got to be something
in here to get me riled.
225
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:30,080
Mr Jones of Widnes, selling a piano?
226
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:35,320
For £50.
You rip-off bastard cock farmer!
227
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,680
No, actually, that's smashing value.
228
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:41,720
Oh, God, this is hopeless. I'm never
going to get through DABDA.
229
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:45,280
Dadda.
Yes, that's right. DABDA. Dadda.
230
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:46,920
Absolutely. DABDA.
231
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:50,920
Dadda. Look, I know you're
saying Dadda just to get at me.
232
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,880
But it's too sad, I'm ignoring it.
233
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:56,760
I've done depression. Ooh, God, I
need something to make me angry.
234
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,480
Ciao! Oh, thank you, God.
235
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:03,640
Can you believe no-one would
believe I'm pregnant? I mean...
Grrrrr! Argh!
236
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:09,800
You can't hit ME!
I'm pregnant, only I couldn't buy
a test, it was too embarrassing.
237
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:13,720
Oh, look, here, have a cock ring.
238
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,720
There's tons of tests upstairs.
Help yourself.
239
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:20,640
Why's there tons? Um, I was trying
to trick Jonny into
having another baby.
240
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:24,520
How? He was a heavy sleeper.
I won't go into details
241
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,360
but it involved a nocturnal
blow job,
242
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:29,000
spitting into a shot glass
and a lubricated teaspoon.
243
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:33,680
But that's not gonna happen now.
Now that's he's...
244
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:39,400
Dead! Jesus, Janet.
245
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:42,560
You're gonna have to learn to
finish a sentence sooner or later.
246
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:51,320
I must be cold. I didn't feel
anything, not even when Louise
said she was carrying my nephew.
247
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,840
Where's she taking him?
248
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,160
Carrying him in her uterus, Gaz.
249
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,160
Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna.
250
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,840
It's called a Lexus.
251
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,840
She's having my brother's baby.
252
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,600
Really?
253
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:15,600
It's a bit unfair she has to taxi
your nephew about as well, isn't it?
254
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,760
I think it's disgusting.
255
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,840
Exactly,
hope he's giving her petrol money.
256
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:27,000
Gaz. Louise slept with my
16-year-old brother and now she's
having his baby. Have you got it?
257
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,880
Oh, right.
258
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,600
How does she afford a Lexus?
259
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,640
I'm going to see her.
Where's my bag?
260
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:43,320
What are you doing?
Just looking for proof that you're a
warm and giving individual.
261
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:44,760
There isn't any, so...
262
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:48,640
What's this exactly?
That's money. My money, thank you.
263
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:53,360
Yes,
that you were planning on giving
to Janet to help with Corinthian!
264
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,280
See, it all works out in the end.
265
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,960
I bet Jonny doesn't think
you're cold now. What?
266
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:03,480
Yeah,
I bet he's out there on his Jammie
Dodger cloud in the sky thinking,
267
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:08,200
"Ooh, that Donna, eh, if only
she'd give some money to
my poor widow then...
268
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:13,880
"Ooh, ee, I'd like her and that."
You're an idiot.
269
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,600
You should see 'em, Donna.
They've got four quid.
270
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,200
They're up shit creek.
Without a paddle.
271
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,600
Oh no, they've got a paddle. Oh.
272
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:25,280
But it's made of shit!
273
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,840
We've got to help them.
274
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:33,280
OK, fine. You can give them a bit
of cash on one condition. Anything.
275
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,640
Anything? No, no, not anything, no.
276
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,000
I'm not having
anything shoved up my arse.
277
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:44,800
You might have read there's a G-spot
up there but if that was the case
I'd come every time I had a crap.
278
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,760
It's not that.
279
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,080
I don't want you getting
too close to Janet.
280
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,040
Donna, why? You know why.
281
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:55,680
You see, that's cold.
282
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:06,320
What is wrong with me? Even Jeremy
Kyle didn't get me angry.
283
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:11,760
And he has called almost all my
family scum on national television.
284
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:13,880
DOOR SLAMS
285
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:16,560
Hi, Gaz. You OK?
286
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:19,360
Have you done angry yet? No.
287
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:23,000
You brought that pillow to protect
your testicles? What pillow?
288
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,640
It's a scatter cushion.
289
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:29,880
I wanted to bring Corinthian a toy
but apparently we can't afford it
so...
290
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,080
Hello, Corinthian!
291
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,480
Look, it's Scatter McCushion.
292
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:38,920
You can't just create a
character by putting "Mc"
in front of something's name.
293
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,680
Shut your mouth, Janet McKeogh,
294
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:45,040
or Gaz McWilkinson will come in
the McNight and I'll McGet you!
Argh! Ha ha!
295
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,480
Don't make me laugh,
I'm trying to get angry.
296
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:49,840
SQUEALING
297
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:55,040
What was that? Squeaky McTwatbag.
298
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,600
Listen, right.
299
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:03,040
I know that you and the kid are
struggling for money at the minute.
300
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,920
Oh, we kind of are.
301
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,000
Well...
302
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,680
I'm not going to give you any.
303
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,680
That's not what I was
expecting you to say.
304
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:19,960
No, cos if I give you money,
I can't give you time. Oh, good.
305
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:24,120
Corinthian! Did you hear that? We're
having "time" for tea tonight. Yum!
306
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:27,000
What's for pudding? Empathy?
307
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:32,640
And I'm never going to get through
DABDA. I don't seem to be able
to get angry.
308
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,160
All right.
309
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,800
Do you think it would help if
you kicked me in the bollocks?
310
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,400
We can try.
311
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:57,400
So there's the proof. You are
pregnant. Yep. To your brother.
312
00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,080
Dion's only 16. Isn't that illegal?
313
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:06,360
No, I think that, as long as you
look 16, as I do, then you're OK.
314
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:09,320
So when's your due date?
315
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:13,360
I worked it out. June 30th.
Isn't that Jonny's birthday?
316
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:17,160
My God! You don't think...?
317
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:22,200
Oh, that it's a coincidence? Yes!
No.
318
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,560
That I'm carrying the
reincarnation of Jonny.
319
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:27,720
No, I don't, because that's insane.
320
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:35,560
But the birthday,
the cravings for food. The birthday.
321
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,560
Oh, I'm hatching a chav!
322
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,800
This is a Katona catastrophe.
323
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:49,480
You're not carrying Jonny. And if
you were, it would be evident in the
fact that it wouldn't like me, so...
324
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:51,000
Hello in there!
325
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,200
Yes, this is Donna!
I can't wait to meet you
326
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:58,120
and have pleasant
conversations with you. Bleugh!
327
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:00,880
Oh...
328
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:05,320
That was more funny than
anger-inducing.
329
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,800
Maybe we should try it again.
No, no, no, oh no!
330
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,240
I think it's safe to say that
experiment failed.
331
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:14,440
Go on, just one more go. I think
I can feel some venom rising.
332
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,040
Go on, then. Yeah, go on.
333
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:24,600
Oh, ow! Eurgh!
334
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,040
No, still funny.
335
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,880
I think I can
feel them in my throat.
336
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:33,920
I don't seem to be able to get angry
because of this depression bit.
337
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,960
Every time I tick another item
off, the crying comes back.
338
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,680
I'm never going to
get back to normal.
339
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:43,040
Janet. You buried
your husband this morning.
340
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,600
You're moving quicker than Darren
Day on a stage full of blondes.
341
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:51,080
You're right. I mean,
if me and Jonny had like split up
or something,
342
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,760
I'd be going about it in a
completely different way.
343
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,320
Sleeping with loads of men and
drinking till you blacked out?
344
00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:01,200
No, Gaz, not loads of men.
Just the men that'd hurt him most.
345
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,120
As you well know.
346
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:11,200
SHE MAKE A VOMITING SOUND
347
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,080
Oh, my God, are you all right?
348
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,720
Yeah, of course.
349
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,360
It's your handbag.
350
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,000
Great.
351
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:34,920
NOW do you believe that I'm carrying
Jonny II, Revenge of the Jonny?
352
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:38,160
No! I think you
have morning sickness...
353
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,280
in the afternoon.
354
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:42,800
That, or you have a
really nauseating handbag.
355
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,600
This was 20 quid from Next! Beugh!
356
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,680
You could have taken
my purse out first!
357
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,600
Where was it from? Dorothy Perkins.
Beugh! Oh...
358
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:57,000
Look, I know this is the
reincarnation of Jonny.
359
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,920
You also know that all
fat people should be shot.
360
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:07,400
Excuse me! World hunger,
obesity crisis, all solved with one
big burger-shaped bullet.
361
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,440
Look, Jonny didn't like you.
362
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:14,920
Apparently not. So talk to him.
363
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,000
Tell him what you really think.
364
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,360
That might not be such a bad idea.
365
00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:24,360
Maybe then I could work out
why he thought I was cold.
366
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,000
OK...
367
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:31,520
Why did you put up with your
best mate sleeping with Janet!
368
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:35,120
Why did I have to be
the strong one, you twat!
369
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,520
Donna was right.
We shouldn't spend time together.
370
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,800
But nothing happened.
We looked at each other in that way.
371
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,520
And I got a slight semi.
372
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:51,280
Nothing to write home to your mother
about, but it was definitely there.
373
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:54,080
You write to your mum about
your erections?
374
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,280
What else am I going to put
in the Christmas letter?
375
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:02,200
Look. We're always going
to have a thing.
376
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:06,000
But... Oh, God, now I feel guilty.
377
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,040
Shit, that's not even on the list.
378
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:10,280
It's DABDA, not DABDAG.
379
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,600
DABDAG is just silly.
380
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:19,000
Oh but... See, I want to put my arm
round you but...
381
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,440
we might get Semi, The Sequel.
382
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:26,200
And this time it's personal.
And it just note safe to go
back in the water, Janet.
383
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,560
I won't notice. I just need a hug.
384
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:30,200
Oh, you'll notice.
385
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,480
C'mon, babe, it's all right.
386
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:37,320
I was stupid to think I
could do grief in a day.
387
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:41,560
I put all this effort in,
and I've not even paid any
attention to Corinthian.
388
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:46,120
And he's the one I'm supposed to be
doing this for. Where is he?
389
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,880
Oh. He was crawling towards
the oven last time I saw him.
390
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:52,000
Corinthian!
391
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:57,640
But oh, no. No, Donna Henshaw
had to be the strong one.
392
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,520
Donna had to cope, same way she
didn't react to her mum's death.
393
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:06,800
Same way she won't react to her
stupid mate shagging her brother.
394
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:12,120
This isn't him, Donna. Who's this
stupid mate that shagged your
brother? Was it Janet?
395
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:17,160
I just kept breathing, kept
existing while you, Jonny, you,
396
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,760
got all the sympathy
because you were upset.
397
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:22,440
And now you're dead.
398
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:27,360
And I'm going to have to be there to
help everyone else get through it.
399
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:29,640
Well, I'm sorry!
400
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:36,160
If that makes me cold,
then I'm cold.
401
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:42,800
That wasn't cold at all.
402
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:46,640
In fact, that's the fieriest
thing I've ever seen.
403
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:51,960
God, you really care about
stuff, loser.
404
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,000
I do care, don't I?
405
00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:01,120
Yeah. Which means you could care
for me and my baby.
406
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:05,880
No. I can care for Janet
and her baby, like I should have
been doing since the funeral.
407
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:07,520
Don't forget your bag of sick.
408
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:11,240
You're coming too, you mad
little twat bag, come on.
409
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:13,680
She's talking to you, you know.
410
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:18,840
What I don't understand is how he
got into the neighbour's snake tank.
411
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:23,880
Maybe they ran out of dead mice.
412
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:29,000
I've been so focused on trying
to get angry, I forgot why I was
doing it in the first place.
413
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:33,200
My priorities are all wrong.
Well, it's understandable. Is it?
414
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,560
No, you're a mental bitch.
Come here.
415
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:39,920
Fine. I'm just going to
have to stick with depression.
416
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,560
I'll have to start again.
417
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:45,120
Right now I'm feeling how I'm
supposed to, and that's OK.
DOOR SLAMS
418
00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:50,560
Janet! Janet, I've brought you
some groceries for the week.
And a...a bag of sick.
419
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:53,440
Aww! See, Corinthian.
420
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:57,120
We've got a great support network.
We've got people to take care of us.
421
00:26:57,120 --> 00:27:00,840
They might be mental, stupid
and cold respectively.
But they're there.
422
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:04,520
How did your list go?
Oh, I had everything except anger.
423
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,640
It's a shame. I really
wanted to complete it.
424
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,240
These things take time.
We're there for you though.
425
00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:12,160
Even though when my mum died,
you slagged it up with my boyfriend.
426
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,240
What? And guess what?
427
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:19,560
I'm carrying the reincarnation
of your dead husband in my womb!
Ha-ha-ha!
428
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,960
DABDA! Ow!
429
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:26,720
Gangway!
430
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,960
Anger! You guys...
431
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:34,720
Whilst masturbating,
432
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:38,760
have you ever got it stuck
in a dead woodland creature?
433
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:41,520
Ay-ya!
434
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,360
Have you ever lubed up your bits
with Patak's madras paste
435
00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:46,040
and jerked off into a chapatti?
436
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:49,360
Can you style it?
437
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:51,080
Duration.
438
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:54,120
Location. Ejaculation.
439
00:27:56,240 --> 00:28:00,280
What kind of person looks through a
dead man's diary?
440
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:04,640
give me a drink,
441
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:07,960
with bubbles in it
442
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:13,520
handle anything stronger now
36141
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof