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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,760
Five, four, three, two, one.
And act!
2
00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:10,400
This programme contains adult humour.
3
00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:30,560
Eating bananas makes sperm taste
just like bananas.
4
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,400
Gaz must be eating
a lot of rotten mackerel.
5
00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:39,920
Donna, Donna! It's booked.
The registry office is booked.
6
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,840
You're finally going to be mine.
7
00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:43,920
For better, for worse.
8
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:46,680
Mostly worse, I grant you.
9
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,760
Gaz, if I can't find a job,
there's not gonna be a wedding.
10
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:50,840
The Archer's re-opening.
11
00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:54,960
Yeah, I know. I can finally
drink again. When did you stop?
12
00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:57,080
Last night.
13
00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,160
Well, this morning.
14
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,000
Then.
15
00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:07,880
They've got a relief manager in,
instead of Janet. I could do that.
How hard could it be?
16
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:10,360
They're looking for barmaids.
I could do that.
17
00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:11,880
"Pint for you, sir? Peanuts?
18
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:14,440
"No, sorry, we don't do scratchings.
19
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,160
"If you don't like it,
take your business elsewhere.
20
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,120
"No, I'm not joking. Get out!
21
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:24,960
"I don't care if you are Billy Joel,
GET OUT MY PUB, YOU..."
22
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:29,920
I'm gonna go for it. You know, just
till something better comes along.
23
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,440
Yep, and we really need the cash.
24
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:35,840
How exciting.
We're actually getting married.
25
00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:37,320
Yeah.
26
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,480
"Yeah"?
27
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:43,520
This is the happiest day of our
lives, all I get is a "Yeah"?
28
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:48,360
I'm not an excitable person. I can't
stand what you people call fun.
29
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:50,880
Have a banana.
30
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,040
Yeah, Jonny, I love you.
31
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,920
You want to talk to Corinthian?
32
00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:59,120
Actually he's tied up at the minute.
No, not literally!
33
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,360
Gaz, untie Corinthian.
34
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:07,320
Listen, just have a good time.
You deserve this.
35
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,840
Not everybody would have the guts
to enter a TV Quick competition
36
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:15,840
to fly to Hawaii to jump
over a shark on a pair of water-skis
in 22 minutes and 15 seconds, is it?
37
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:20,840
You are so brave. OK, kiss, kiss.
Kiss, kiss. Kiss, kiss.
38
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,880
Kiss, kiss.
No, you hang up. No, you hang up.
39
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:27,640
No, you hang up. No, you hang up.
40
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,600
Look, Jonny, you're cutting up.
There must be a...
41
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,600
MOO!
..cow on the line.
42
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,840
I love you. Bye!
43
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:37,800
So exciting, what's he doing? Gaz?
44
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:41,520
Isn't it exciting? Is he having fun?
I love fun. Fun! Oi!
45
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:46,520
Where's my jumping up and down,
hyper, "Ooh, Gaz, isn't
it exciting, fun, fun!" voice?
46
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,440
He's just landed. He bought a novel.
47
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:52,960
Imagine.
How the other half live, eh?
48
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:57,480
I'm so excited for him.
Yes, I think we get it.
49
00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,160
Jonny loves his competitions.
50
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:02,840
So far, he has won a go on
a tractor, a goldfish...
51
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,800
May Bubbles rest in peace.
But by God, he was tasty.
52
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,600
And now this. Hawaii!
53
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,240
NORTH-Ha-why-aye, man.
54
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:13,080
I understand the Hawaii bit.
55
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:14,680
Everyone loves Italy.
56
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:19,520
But why would anyone
want to water-ski over a shark?
57
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:24,000
Ehhh! You're just jealous.
58
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,800
I am not. I don't get jealous.
Peter Andre.
59
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,960
Yeah, but how could one person have
that much talent? It's unfair.
60
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,480
He's already got one of those
flowery shirts.
61
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:39,480
Like Americans wear when they're VERY
proud of being obnoxious wankers?
62
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,600
No. He said it's more frilly
than that.
63
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,840
And more transparent.
With embroidery.
64
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,560
He's bought a blouse, hasn't he?
Yeah.
65
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:53,640
And a flick and floop
and a do, do, do.
66
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,960
OK, Archer. Shine for Timothy!
67
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,960
Ciao!
68
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,880
Ah! What are you?
69
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:07,080
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no. What is that?
70
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:11,680
What? Oh, this? It's my beauty.
71
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,520
No, the noise from your face.
72
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,960
It hurts here, here and here.
73
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,000
Flourish and kick.
74
00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,560
Is this the refurb?
It looks exactly the same.
75
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,200
How dare you!
76
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,200
This pub is now a themed pub.
77
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,480
And the theme is "John".
78
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,920
John Barrowman.
79
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:41,560
So, are you the relief manager then?
80
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,640
Are you?
81
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:45,200
Speak up, boy!
82
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,120
Oh, mother, make the noises stop!
83
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,920
Weird, aren't ya?
84
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,480
I'm here for the barmaid's job,
you oaf.
85
00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:55,920
Temporarily. Till I'm discovered.
86
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,600
By what? Another bat?
87
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,000
Are you talking about my voice?
88
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,720
Well, duh.
Oh, I get it. You fancy me.
89
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:08,720
Well, we can work through that
as long as we remain professional.
90
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:12,120
Pardon? OK, maybe I'll let
you grope me at Christmas.
91
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:16,000
But only if you give me
Tuesdays off, that's when
I get me bum sucked out.
92
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:22,600
Oh. Colonic irrigation.
If you like. So, how about it?
93
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:27,120
No, thanks. I don't want to get
sweet corn in my teeth. Atkins.
94
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:31,640
No, a job.
I want a job as a barmaid.
95
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,560
I just don't think
I could stand how you speak.
96
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,360
What's up with how I speak?
97
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:37,880
Ah!
98
00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:45,600
Thank you.
And it's a great white shark.
99
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,120
Isn't that great?
And white? And shark?
100
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:51,400
Like in Jaws?
And like in Jaws 2, let's watch it.
101
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,960
God, I'm really excited.
102
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,960
You've said! What's up with you?
103
00:05:55,960 --> 00:06:01,200
All this fuss and excitement over
Jonny. I'm the one getting married.
What's he contributed to the world?
104
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:06,280
Jonny has the largest
collection of scabs
this side of Kate Moss's underwear.
105
00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:08,880
So what? I can do better than that.
106
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:12,400
He is fairly scabby, Janet.
I'd watch out.
107
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:15,040
No, I'm going to do
something so exciting,
108
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,600
you'll shit in your own eyes
with glee.
109
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:21,960
I can't imagine anything
being so very, very gleeful
110
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,720
that I would open my bowels
into my own retina.
111
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,560
I'm going to do something so big,
so enormous,
112
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,560
that Jonny's
shark jump will be unsignificant.
113
00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:32,480
It's "insignificant".
114
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,480
It's working already.
115
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:39,200
I want to do something special
for Jonny,
to celebrate jumping the shark.
116
00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:42,080
I've heard there's this restaurant.
Really classy, like.
117
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,680
I want to take him there.
It's called "Nandoss".
118
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,440
I need money for a place like that,
so...
119
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:53,320
I heard they have chicken, yeah,
on a stick.
120
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:57,400
Yeah. I heard they have coleslaw
in an earthenware pot.
121
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,840
But I need a job, so...
122
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:04,080
Have you seen the barmaiding job
in the paper?
Yeah, I'm going for it. Watch this.
123
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:07,840
Yeah, what?
124
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,840
That's all I've got.
What do you want, fireworks?
125
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,120
I was going to go for it as well.
You don't mind?
126
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:17,400
It's a pub. There's bound to be more
than one barmaid, you big silly.
127
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,520
Runcorn is the alcoholism capital
of the north.
128
00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:23,560
Yeah, you're right,
but I do wish they wouldn't
put it on the town logo.
129
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:30,880
Yeah. I was getting worried then.
It'll be fun, us working together.
Yeah, of course!
130
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,600
MUSIC FROM JAWS
131
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,200
I've got to change my ringtone.
132
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:44,840
Hello? Oh, Jonny, guess what.
133
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,760
I am taking you to "Nandoss".
134
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:51,200
Yes, there is,
in an earthenware pot.
135
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:57,240
And another thing,
I may have a slight rhotacism,
136
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,960
I may not be able
to say the letter R,
137
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:03,280
but otherwise,
I have beautiful speech patterns.
138
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:06,800
My voice is halfway between
Judy Garland and Mariella Frostrup.
139
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,200
Halfway between a corpse
and a chain smoker.
140
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,960
A winner every time.
Just go, will you?
141
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,240
I'll show you, Timothy Claypole.
142
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,480
All right, Louise?
What do you think of this?
143
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,920
Gaz, where did you get that snake?
144
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:26,160
From the snake shop on Church
Street. Next to the lizard emporium.
145
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,600
Opposite Iguanas R Us. How dull.
146
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:32,360
I'll be at Janet's if you need me.
I will not.
147
00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:34,760
You all right? Eh?
148
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,680
Woooh!
149
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:41,000
Love what you've done
with the place. Oh, thank you.
150
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:45,840
Oh, so you've heard.
Oh, isn't it exciting?
151
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:49,120
Jonny Keogh is my utter, utter,
utter, utter hero.
152
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:52,640
Jonny Keogh is an utter, utter,
utter, utter twat.
153
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,880
Look, jumping a shark's
all very well. But you watch this.
154
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,600
What do you think about that?
155
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:15,200
Well done. Though most members
of Runcorn Reptile Society
don't tend to do that.
156
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:20,680
The what? Oh, the meeting's
in the pool room, Sebastian.
157
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:24,000
Yeah, yeah. But I jumped mine,
so I'm more exciting.
158
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,440
I'm still more exciting.
159
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:32,360
Listen, if you know Jonny Keogh,
can you get him to sign this for me?
160
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:36,240
Damn you, Jonny Keogh.
161
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,960
Damn you to a snaky hell.
162
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:43,840
Thought I'd nailed it.
What could possibly be more
exciting than a snake?
163
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:49,000
I'll tell you what's more exciting.
Mark Wootton Exposed on BBC Three
in 20 minutes.
164
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:56,080
Here's a thought.
May it be the first of many.
165
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,200
I have done something dead exciting.
166
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,600
Four words. Naked, balloon, dance.
167
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,000
What's the fourth?
168
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,640
It's a bridge in Scotland.
169
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,120
CRUNCH
170
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,040
Ciao. Huh?
171
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:22,320
What's up with you?
I just put BBC Three on and...
172
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:28,440
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Don't worry, it never works for me
at this time of night either.
173
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:32,840
Any pennies, I need...
Louise, I'm just on my way out.
Can this wait? No, it can't wait!
174
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:37,520
What do you take me for? A man like
the man on the Guinness advert
is talking about, who waits?
175
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:40,920
That's what he does. You know,
that man who waits?
176
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,040
And then there's a horse.
177
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:47,120
Fine, just make it quick.
178
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,560
I need to improve my speech.
179
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:53,800
Louise, thank God. We've been
trying to tell you for years.
We didn't think...
180
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,000
I need to enunciate more clearly.
181
00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:00,280
I need to get my tongue,
lips and mouth around some diction.
182
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,040
Is that what the kids
are calling it?
183
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:06,600
So, what I'm doing is
tongue twisters.
184
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,120
Oh, I can do that. Watch.
185
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,320
No.
186
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:14,520
"Around the ragged rock
the ragged rascal ran".
187
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,960
Wound the wagged what?
The wagged what what? Fine.
188
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:22,840
Fine, Janet Keogh. You'll see.
Soon I'll be be able to do the
hardest tongue twister in the world.
189
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:25,640
The one with sheikh
and the sheep and the sick.
190
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:30,840
And then I'll get the best job
in the world. A shepherd?
Do not mock me.
191
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:35,080
By the way, did I mention
red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry,
192
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:38,080
red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry,
193
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:41,520
red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry,
194
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,320
yellow lorry, red lorry,
yellow lorry, red lorry,
195
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:47,080
yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow
lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry,
red lorry, yellow lorry...
196
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:53,280
Wed wowwy, wewwo what what?
197
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:56,040
Anyway, look. Watch this.
198
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:28,440
What is Gaz doing on BBC Three?
Who's the cameraman?
199
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:29,480
BALLOON POPS
200
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,960
I think we need
more balloons, Jonny.
201
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,520
This is a video. Jonny!
202
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,920
I wonder why he's always
filming Gaz naked.
203
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:39,400
BALLOON POPS
204
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:43,440
Ooh! No, bad Janet.
205
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,720
I must focus on "Nandoss".
206
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,440
Ugh! Gaz, naked!
207
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,240
So, Tim, here is my CV.
208
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,920
As you can see,
I have plenty of experience
209
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,040
and plenty of qualifications.
210
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:08,520
Well, two.
211
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:12,800
If you count being able to put my leg
round mine and other people's heads.
212
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,760
I don't need that kind of barmaid.
213
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,480
I need someone with enthusiasm
for the products, a good seller.
214
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,800
I can do that. Down this, then.
215
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,680
What kind of a deranged
alcoholic woman
216
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:27,120
can possibly down
a whole pint of lager in one go?
217
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,280
JANET BURPS
218
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,240
Sorry, was that yours?
219
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,920
I got a right thirst on, me,
I ran all the way. Sorry.
220
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:51,840
Sorry I'm late.
So, are we both barmaids?
221
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:55,840
Both? No, I'm sorry, there's only
one barmaid position available.
222
00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:59,240
I'll take it. Hang on, I'm getting
married. I need the money.
223
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:04,440
Jonny's chicken on a stick is more
important than your wedding. Cat
fight. Meow.
224
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,520
Would that help me get the job?
Because I am really hard.
225
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,640
I have previously killed a very small
but very scary gorilla.
226
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,560
When I say gorilla, I mean spider.
227
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:20,720
And when I say spider,
I mean it was a dream.
228
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,880
Look, I want to see how good
you are with the customers.
229
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,160
Getting them all happy
and entertained.
230
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,200
I want to see your karaoke.
231
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,920
There's no karaoke machine.
232
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:36,120
They got rid of it when Janet
wouldn't stop singing
"My Heart Will Go On".
233
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,760
Au contraire, mon cheri.
234
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,160
IMITATING
PEARL AND DEAN CINEMA ADVERT
235
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,120
Yes.
236
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:14,000
Thank God for the Evel Knievel
accessory shop on Church Street
next to the snake shop.
237
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:16,800
All right, Runcorn.
238
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:21,480
Get ready for
Gaz "The Sausage" Wilkinson.
239
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,200
Want excitement?
I'll give you exciting.
240
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,880
Excitement is my middle name.
241
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:28,760
MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVS
242
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,000
Yeah, baby!
243
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,360
Oh, yeah!
244
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,400
Let's see how they like this
in the Archer.
245
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:03,160
OK, Timothy Claypole.
Listen to this.
246
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:08,280
Boris Johnson was today
being treated in hospital
after a rare mosquito bit him.
247
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:13,040
A big black bug bit a big
blonde bugger and made
the big blonde bugger bleed blood.
248
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:15,800
Give me a job.
249
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,080
You're not even in the running.
250
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,800
It's between me and Janet.
Hold on, where's Janet gone?
251
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,720
< "MY HEART WILL GO ON" PLAYS
252
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:29,480
Hello, Runcorn.
253
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,680
You've stopped!
254
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:37,080
Oh, my God. She's a nut.
You know what I always say.
255
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,120
One nut can't cut to cut one nut,
one needs a nut cutter.
256
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:43,400
Unless one is King Canute and
King Canute can't cut one nut.
257
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:49,240
You never said that before.
I know, I'm getting really good.
258
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,480
Arthur, tug it hard. Go on.
259
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,320
Aaarghh!
260
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:22,600
MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVS
261
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,760
Yeah! Look at this -
exciting or what, people?
262
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,160
Oh, bollocks!
263
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,160
CRASH
264
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,640
Well, Janet's
going to take some beating.
265
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,440
Oh, I think I can manage.
266
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:38,240
CHEERING
267
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,080
Where did you get that outfit from?
268
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:47,240
I don't know what you're talking
about. I always wear this under
my clothes. Hit it!
269
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,520
chicken
270
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,600
I don't think that song really goes
with the outfit.
271
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,920
So, Tim, you've had a tart in a tyre
272
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:35,040
and some inappropriate poultry.
273
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:40,240
Surely by now, you can see that even
with my slight speech impediment,
I'm far more suitable for the job.
274
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,080
Slight speech impediment?
275
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,560
Sweetheart, you sound
like Flipper being fisted.
276
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:54,080
Fine. I'll be lowering my tone
if anyone needs me.
277
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:58,480
And I don't mean
hanging with rapscallions like you.
278
00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:03,760
Look, you two have proved
yourselves to be just as talented
as one another at karaoke.
279
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:10,000
By which I mean you're equally shit.
We both need the job. There
must be something else we can do.
280
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,120
Well, let's see,
do you have any special skills?
281
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:16,160
I kill gorillas in my dreams.
Well, I can do this.
282
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:29,600
I'm never going to be exciting.
May as well just give up now.
283
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,760
Gaz, you're almost a man.
284
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:37,080
I need to learn how to speak
in a man's voice.
285
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:41,760
I need to swallow something
that makes me throat sore.
286
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:47,760
Well, don't look at me.
287
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,160
My emissions are like
a banana smoothie.
288
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:54,520
Hey, is that exciting? No.
289
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:57,280
Fine, I'll just eat fire or
something.
290
00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,280
Or get one
of those voice synthesising machines
291
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,800
that always seem to come
with a free wheelchair.
292
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,240
That's it!
293
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,040
I'll set fire to me knob.
294
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,080
No, not again.
295
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:18,560
Although...fire is exciting.
296
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,120
More exciting than a shark.
297
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,520
Oh, yeah.
298
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:32,240
PHONE RINGS
299
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,440
Aloha! We're not here
but if we were,
300
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,880
we would give you
a Hawaii high five...
301
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,880
Oh. "Hawaii?" I hear you ask...
302
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,320
Well, "Ha-why" not?
303
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,040
MACHINE BEEPS
304
00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:49,640
This is Mano Ventura from the State
of Hawaii Sheriff's Office.
305
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:53,400
We are trying to reach Mrs Janet
Keogh regarding your husband Jonny.
306
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,680
Our number is 001 808...
307
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,560
Well, I can do this.
308
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:14,320
Yes, well, I can do this.
309
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:24,280
Ooh, good work. Well, I can do this.
310
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:37,120
Quite impressive. But I can do this.
311
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:47,520
Well, I can do this.
312
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,960
What am I doing there? What's this?
Oh!
313
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,200
Well, I can do this.
314
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,520
I can speak six languages.
Overruled! No, she can't.
315
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:08,440
How would you know? Or, in Czech...
Grah blah zinkski.
316
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:11,440
Oh, yeah? Well in that case,
I speak seven languages.
317
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,840
Or, in French,
eurf nurf nurf nurf nurf.
318
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:18,240
I think maybe you should have picked
a language nobody in the pub
is likely to have encountered.
319
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,640
Eurf nurf nurf nurf nurf.
320
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,480
God, you're fluent.
321
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,520
Listen, girls.
I've already made my decision.
322
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:28,720
"I am the God of Hellfire."
323
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:32,840
Oh, my God! What's wrong with you?
324
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:36,720
I got Arthur to record anything
I'm likely to say onto this.
325
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,960
And how often do you say,
"I am the God of Hellfire"?
326
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:42,560
More often than you'd think.
Watch this.
327
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:46,680
"Janet, that tracksuit
is unflattering."
328
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:51,240
Is that what Arthur sounds like?
He needs to give up the fags.
329
00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:53,120
"That is correct."
330
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:55,680
"Now give me a job."
331
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:58,560
"No."
332
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:04,000
All right. Hello, everyone.
Your attention, please.
333
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,920
I've finally found a way
to be more exciting than Jonny.
334
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:11,680
Where are you going to put
those sticks, Gaz?
Oh, ho, ho, the tension mounts.
335
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:16,720
My bride-to-be is getting all turned
on by her dangerous, exciting
fiance. I'll lick you later.
336
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,760
No, I'm not. I'm just frightened
of another trip to A&E.
337
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,000
I sat on it, all right?
338
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,840
How do you accidentally sit
339
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:30,000
on a can of Dr Pepper?
340
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,200
You'd be surprised.
341
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:40,480
"I have often had a can
of Dr Pepper removed from my anus."
342
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:46,640
Arthur insisted on that one himself.
343
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:51,880
Come on, Gaz, what's this
great feat you're planning?
344
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,680
Bet it's not as good
as jumping over a shark in Hawaii.
345
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,760
Can I smell alcohol on your breath?
346
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:59,080
Yes, yes you can.
For a very good reason.
347
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:04,560
For I am going to eat
fire, fire, fire, fire.
348
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:10,760
And I've also been drinking a lot,
a lot, a lot... Wait a minute.
349
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,320
Who's got the job, Tim?
Me or Janet? Or me.
350
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:22,160
Um, well...
351
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,960
I've decided to go with Janet.
352
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,600
You are overqualified, Donna.
353
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:28,000
And she pulled an egg
out of her mouth. An egg!
354
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,240
Thank you, thank you!
355
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:34,480
I'm going straight home to phone
Jonny. We will have "Nandoss"!
356
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:35,920
Oh, my God.
357
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,400
Check it out!
358
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,760
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
359
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,720
'..55-734 and we would really
appreciate it
360
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:02,160
'if you would return our call
as a matter of urgency.'
361
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:05,040
Ooh, they want me to fly out!
362
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,480
BUTTONS BEEP
363
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:23,800
Hello? I mean, hi y'all.
364
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,240
Howdy!
365
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:30,400
This is Mrs Jonny
Keogh phonin' all the way from
jolly old England, innit?
366
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:32,240
Yes, that's right.
367
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,000
You want me to fly out?
That's brilliant.
368
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,560
Why wouldn't I take it well?
It's the trip of a lifetime.
369
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:40,280
It's great, and white, and shark.
370
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,480
Look, is Jonny with you?
371
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:43,920
Can you put him on?
372
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:46,200
Why not?
373
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:49,760
That's not true.
374
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,240
That can't be true.
375
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:55,520
Why are you saying things that
aren't true? You big fat LIAR!
376
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,880
Say it again.
377
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:04,880
Sorry for calling you fat.
378
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:17,640
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
379
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,480
Here we go!
380
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:37,720
Oh, shiver!
381
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:39,560
You know what?
382
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:43,640
That really was very exciting.
"Hooray!"
383
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:49,560
Finally, finally I've proved
that I've not been upstaged
by Jonny-bloody-Keogh. Hey?
384
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:53,280
All right, Janet?
Oh, good, you're back.
385
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,720
I don't mind that you won,
I don't want to be a barmaid anyway.
386
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,560
I'm going into the music industry.
387
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:01,320
I'm releasing Chick Chick Chicken
as a 12" drum and bass remix.
388
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,040
I don't want the job, Donna.
You can have it.
389
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:07,680
Thank God! In your face, Keogh!
Gaz, we can get married!
390
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:11,480
Janet? Janet, what's wrong?
391
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:14,600
Er...
392
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:15,960
Jonny died.
393
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:21,360
He jumped the shark,
but he fell in the water.
394
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:23,320
It ate him.
395
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:24,840
Oh, great.
396
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:32,080
And white. And shark.
397
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,560
"Janet.
That tracksuit is unflattering."
398
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:40,840
Sorry.
399
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:50,520
Look at 'em. Gonna drop him.
400
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:55,400
I just need a hug.
401
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:58,960
Come on, babe. I don't want
you getting too close to Janet.
402
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,240
Donna, why? You know why.
403
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,760
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up
404
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:12,960
for the cast of Two Pints Of Lager.
405
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,800
Natalie Casey!
406
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,840
Will Mellor!
407
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:22,840
Sheridan Smith!
408
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:24,600
Kathryn Drysdale!
409
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:28,240
And Luke Gell!
410
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,200
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32609
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