Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

The Archer's going to be closed on the 16th. That's today!

Well, it says here that during the safety inspection

we found asbestos, carcinogens

and a rare form of bacteria that can make your eyes turn inside out.

I can't believe it's over.

This programme contains some strong language.

Best kip ever.

Now, tea-time. God, I love crisps.

WIND HOWLS

Well, that's unusual.

Outside or cellar?

Outside or cellar?

Agggghh!

Well, I didn't know The Archer was cursed.

Cursed? Why, yes, cursed.

It says here it was built on an old Indian burial ground.

An old Indian burial ground? Why, yes, an old Indian burial ground.

So Native Americans came over here to Runcorn to bury their dead?

Strangely enough, why, yes.

When? Apparently what happened was this -

before America was discovered, some Native Americans built a boat

and sailed to England, bypassing all of Ireland.

Docked in Liverpool, caught some form of, I imagine,

horse-based transport to Runcorn,

jumped off at Canal Street and promptly died.

Then they were buried under The Archer by a passing...

ooh, let's say, dog.

Hence, curse.

So what is this curse? It sounds really scary.

Let's see. It says here...

Blah di blah.

"Everyone entering killed by the thing they love the most."

That's about the size of it.

Let's sneak in, finish the leftover beer.

Oh, come on, one last night in The Archer?

Killed by what you love the most?

But...you love me the most. What if I turn round and kill you?

Don't be silly! I don't love you the most.

Biscuits are my money shot.

Come on, what could go wrong?

All right, Jon, I'll see you in a bit.

All the jobs in here are aimed at men.

I mean, why can't a woman

be the head of the Frodsham Male Voice Choir?

There's a bloody glass ceiling everywhere you look.

I'd love to break through that glass ceiling.

What is it? Jonny wants to break into The Archer

and drink the leftover stock.

Great idea. What about the curse?! Native Americans, Donna.

You know how scary they are.

Ah, yes. The moment I knew I truly loved you

was when you soiled yourself watching Pocahontas.

Yeah, well, I can't go. Red Indians are just frightening.

Scalping and wigwams and Terrorhawks.

Tomahawks. Where?

Don't be stupid. We should do it. Come on.

Hey, you can shag me in the bogs like you've always wanted.

I just wanted to know what women do in the loo.

It's squirt, shake, zip. What are you doing, flossing it?

Oh, this'll be ace.

I'll get Louise out. She's never going to believe in this curse.

Donna, it's in the newspaper. It must be true.

Oh, look!

A man from Widnes has married a whelk.

Come on. Anyone would think you were scared or something.

I don't know why I have to be here.

I do have other friends, you know.

Like who?

Oh, my God!

I'm a social piranha.

Come on.

It's all boarded up. We'll never get in.

Go on. Get the window open.

You do know this is illegal.

And a little bit scary. Gaz, remember our agreement.

Now you get the window open so you can, your words,

"Wear my thighs like a necklace."

Right, let's do it.

Go on. Now you squeeze through.

I'll snag my tights. These aren't Primark.

They're George at ASDA!

Come on, Munchkin. You're small enough.

I haven't felt this undignified since I trumped during my smear.

And not through my bottom.

I'm not sure about this at all.

It'll be brilliant, Janet.

I'm gonna get so drunk. I'm gonna be so sick all over everyone.

It'll be like a wonderful mystical fountain...

of vomit.

PleasantRight, Louise!

Let us in the side door!

It's dark. I can't see anything.

Aggghhh!

Louise! What's happened?

I knew this was a bad idea.

Can we please all go home? Are you OK?

There's a ladder in my tights!

For God's sake, just let us in the side door

or we'll report you to the Lollipop Guild!

Ah, this is the best idea I've ever had.

You're not wrong there, matey.

Come on! This is going to be so brilliant! Yeah?

Oh, my... Wait.

Oh, for...

It's me!

Booze! Where's my free booze?

Here you are, let's have some music.

Aw, someone's cut the plug off.

CREAKING

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Something's wrong.

Just as I thought.

Lipstick on my teeth.

All better now. Jonny, where's the booze?

There isn't any!

Where's the free nuts? I was expecting free nuts!

I want my free nuts!

What kind of fresh hell is this?!

CREAKING

Are we on a boat?

CLANGING

You don't think that curse is real, do you? Course not.

I mean, how could it be? Here's Jonny!

Agghhh! Get away from me!

Fucking kill him! Janet, I'm joking, you knobhead.

Jonny, don't do that!

CREAKING

I want to go, Jonny. It just doesn't feel right to me.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous, Janet. Nobody's going to die or anything.

Anyway, you know the rules -

the black one always dies first, and nobody here's black.

As a pragmatic sort of person with a great deal of self-awareness,

this curse nonsense is just utterly stupid.

As if you can be killed by the thing you love.

It's absolutely asinine.

I mean, look at me.

I don't particularly love anything.

Well, I suppose I love myself,

but I'm hardly likely to commit suicide, am I?

Then, then why would you be sawing your own leg off, Louise?

Oh, bother, would you look at that?

I've really snagged my tights now.

Does anyone have any clear nail varnish? What did you do?

What the hell did you do?

I'm not entirely sure.

I believe, though, that I was trying to saw through my thigh.

I'll phone an ambulance. Oh, shit.

Are you OK? I'm OK. It's just a leg.

I was never very fond of that one anyway.

I've been humped on more than one occasion.

Sorry about that. Sorry about that.

Phone's not working. Come and help her! She's really bleeding!

Calm down, it's just a scratch. She's not gone all the way through.

Look, Louise, you're fine, aren't you?

I think I'll be...

There you go, that's torn it.

Oh, my God. What's she doing?

She's just having a laugh.

It's Louise. She's mental. Let's go!

Jonny, take me home.

Let's go. Let's just leave.

Move. Gaz, carry Louise. But she's bleeding! Just do it, Gaz!

What about our night together, our last night in The Archer?

She's messing about. Louise, you didn't really...

Right. Let's go!

Get out, get out!

Oh, a lock-in.

Urrgh!

I think we may have to consider the possibility

that this curse actually exists.

Hey, I've never noticed this trapdoor before. No.

Neither have I.

Yeah, that's the weirdest thing that's happened tonight

Must be another way out. I'll look for one.

Not on your own, you're not.

Thanks, Gaz. You know, I...

I do my best to stay brave for my friends and as a woman,

but sometimes I just need some support

and I'm really grateful to have you in my life.

Thanks, Donna.

Jonny, go with her.

I'm not leaving Janet.

Fine. It's always muggins here who has to do everything! Gaz!

Sorry. Look, there's a skylight in the gents. We could try that, eh?

Yeah. OK.

Come on.

Go on. Go on.

Oh, God!

What's going on?

Jonny?

Jonny, she's still breathing!

She's still alive! What? Louise?

Louise, can you hear us?

Oh, shit.

Yeah. Oh, shit, shit.

Janet, you...you realise this isn't actually a zombie curse?

She was just, you know... still alive.

I killed her. Oh, God. I know!

You're a murderer. I know!

But...well, how much did we actually like her anyway?

Well, that's true.

I've just thought. You know what that means, Jonny?

Yeah, you're a psychopath. Yes, but also...

It means that she loved me the most in all the world.

That's so incredibly sweet.

I'm so touched by that.

And if you think about it,

the whole killing Louise thing really wasn't my fault because...

Aggghhh!

Look at the place.

Really let it go since they closed the pub, haven't they?

Er, yeah, if you like.

Now look, Donna, I know we're in a desperate situation, right?

And we're both incredibly horny, but...

I'm so not.

But that was the whole point of coming here - to do it in the gents.

Look at how erotic it is!

Suffice to say, Gaz, this is the last place on Earth

where I would want to have sex with you.

How are we gonna get that skylight open?

I'm not gonna reach it.

Anybody with any level of spatial awareness

can see that you're not going to reach it that way.

I thought that with all the other weird shit happening,

I might have bionic legs.

Let me get on your shoulders. That's a better idea.

Look, Donna. If this doesn't work and we don't get out of here,

I need to tell you I love you.

Shh! The curse might hear you.

There's no way you'd ever kill me, Donna.

There isn't. I trust you.

Can we agree not to love each other until we're out?

In fact, do the opposite of love. Do hate. I'll do the same for you.

It's no good, I can't reach.

I'll have to stand.

Do what you need to, you stupid arsehole.

What? I'm trying not to love you.

That's sweet, you obnoxious dickhead.

I've got it! See, Donna.

You're breaking through that glass ceiling

you're always banging on about, you frigging munter.

It's open. You wank-stained window-licker.

Brilliant. Well done, you fishy-piss flap.

Now just pull yourself through and get help. That's it, go on.

Just pull yourself through.

I am doing.

Did you just spit on me?

I know we're not loving each other, but that's taking the piss!

Donna?

We're going to be OK, aren't we, Jonny?

Me and you could never kill each other.

We just have to sit it out till dawn.

Then the curse is lifted. I didn't know that.

Apparently, the Native Americans specified

how transient the curse was.

Although they may have said, "How!

"The curse is transient".

RUMBLING

What was that?

That was me. I'm starving.

How can you be hungry?

Reckon Louise would mind if we took a chunk out of her? Jonny!

Donna's dead! She's in there! Dead. Oh, no!

Why? What killed her?

She broke through the glass ceiling.

Oh, bollocks, we should have seen that coming!

All right. Keep calm.

From now on, none of us can afford to love anything at all.

Set emotions to hate.

I love you! I love you!

Oh, greatYou two have got each other.

What have I got? Donna's dead.

All that's left is her legs - gorgeous, sexy legs.

They never failed to turn me on.

What am I gonna do in the gents toilets with a fit pair of legs

and no-one watching, with no-one to comfort me except myself.

I'll be back in a bit.

Now, about your idea for eating Louise... Jonny, that was your idea.

We could discuss all night

whose idea it was to feast on her corpse, where would that get us?

We've decided to eat her. We're not eating my friends!

I'll check my bag. There must be something there.

If there's nothing, there's always your excellent idea of eating Louise.

Maybe there's some nuts or crisps or something.

Is this a Dodger I see before me? Oh.

Oh, you little tease.

You want me to follow you?

OK.

Jonny?

Jonny?!

JONNY!

Gaz?

Ga-az?

Donna, you're alive. Where are you? I'm in the first cubicle.

The one with the alcohol-soaked homoerotic paraphernalia.

The Barrymore suite. Donna!

Oh, you look fairly poorly.

Don't be like that, Gaz.

Don't you find me attractive? You've never looked more beautiful.

I thought you were dead.

I thought I'd never see you again.

I'd never leave you, Gaz.

Not when we have such a romantic task to complete together.

What do you mean?

You were right. We should consummate our love in a gentleman's lavatory.

It's all I want to do. Isn't it obvious?

I have to say, "Not really." You're lacking a vagina for one thing.

No way am I gonna slip it in that mess of a torso.

It'd be like shagging mince.

Don't be silly, Gaz.

All you need is right next door.

If you loved me, you'd do it.

Can't I just like, you know?

No, it's got to be this way.

A-ha.

Thought you could escape me, you saucy, little minx.

Jonny! Jonny, please!

Come back. ..Oh!

Shit!

Oh, no.

Oh, Louise.

You were so beautiful.

Such delicate features and such a...

Oh, bollocks to it.

Now, look. I'm not stupid.

I know you were sent to kill me, but I can't not eat you.

You're a Dodger.

You wouldn't hurt me.

Urgh! Get off me!

Kelly? Kelly, what happened?

Mmmmmm! MMMMM!

RUSTLING

Do it, Gaz.

Do it for me. You know you want to.

Pretty please. If that's what you want.

What are you waiting for? Argh!

FOOTSTEPS Go on.

I can't do it. Yes, you can.

I can't. It's necrophilia.

No, it's not. It is.

I'm not doing it. Yes, you are.

I don't believe this is you, Donna.

The clue is that you're in two pieces

and you want me to have sex with you.

That strikes me as odd.

Argh!

Go on, legs, go crazy on his arse!

Stop it!

Please just stop.

That's nice. ..No, it's not.

No, stop, please! Help!

For God's sake!

Come on, then. What you gonna do, eh? How you gonna kill me?

You've taken my husband. He's gone. You've had all my mates off.

Just get on with it! Give me it!

CREAKING

I really didn't mean that. I'm so sorry to bother you.

Now that, to some,

could have looked like a warning.

Oh, no, you don't.

I have reached my Mecca.

Sod you, normal-sized Dodger!

There's no getting rid of me, Jammie D. I'd follow you to hell and back.

If you kill me, I will feel only gratitude

for the time we spent together.

HE MOANS ECSTATICALLY

CRUNCH! Agghh!

HE STRUGGLES FOR BREATH

Aggghhh!

They're all dead.

I know they are.

And I loved them.

CREAKING No, I didn't!

I hated them. I hated them all.

I love...puppies!

No, they have teeth and little germs in their poo!

I love fresh air.

No, because then you could fill me with air and my lungs would burst.

The thing I love the most in all the world is...

TRAP DOOR OPENS

No, no! No! No!

Agghhh!

No! No! No!

No! No-o!

No! No! No!

No!

No! Agghh!

No! Agghh!

JANET CRIES

Aggh!

AGGH!

Janet, you all right? You look like you've seen a ghost.

No. You haven't turned into a biscuit.

Thank God.

It was all a dream.

What do you mean?

Agghh!